The Spiritual Journey Of A Somerset Pagan

A Kick Up The Arse!

2011-01-16T18:48:00.003Z

Today gave me the kick up the arse I’ve needed for some time. I think the Gods have had enough of my lurking in the shadows and have shone their collective light into corners of my life that has had the net result of awakening my spiritual practice. It’s about time. I’ve been in the doldrums a little too long!

What’s caused this? Mainly my professional life. Work has been confusing and muddling. It’s caused me to really question my motives for doing the job I do and has caused me to question and assess many of my professional working relationships. As someone who values authenticity and transparency, this current climate for an individual who works for the local authority is not a comfortable time! I hope you get my drift!

I think that what I have allowed to happen here is for me to become ‘done too’ as opposed to asserting my spiritual right to be in control. I’ve a tail wagged by the corporate dog as opposed to standing in my spiritual power. Today, through a very insightful reading from Jamie, I’ve once again been shown that no matter how much I doubt it at times, I do indeed have the spiritual resources and intuition and birthright to stand in my own spiritual power. Lesson learned – once again!

Together with work has been my spiritual practice per sae. Off this blog (actually, on it as well, on occasion) I have been subjected to spiritual attack from some Christians who figure in my distant past. In truth some of these attacks have caused me to wobble a bit. They have hurt, to be honest. They’ve had the result of opening old wounds and hurts from the past, so I guess I have retreated somewhat to lick my wounds, to assess, to evaluate and to review. If it’s possible for a Christian to curse another human being, this is effectively what happened in a recent communication. Hard to believe, isn’t it, but trust me, it happened! Still, after a time of reflection I feel back on course.

This has caused me to really review my path and where I stand and what I believe. Today’s reading has helped with this. I am basically a hedge witch who places spiritual devotion and dedication to my God’s at the heart of all I do. My magick flows from this, and my magick is about my own personal spiritual evolution, and the spiritual evolution of those who come to me, my community and one day, when I have learned and experienced more, hopefully, my country too. My calling to ‘stand between’ continues to ring true in my heart and mind and I know that my Will is to know and experience the ecstatic embrace of the Divine. I have no question about that.

And all of this informs my daily life. I see no sense of purpose in any path if it does not inform ones daily life. I don’t subscribe to the view that being nice = fluffy and being mean = being truly pagan. My view about this is that fluffy = quick fixes and candyfloss approach to spiritual practice and being truly pagan means walking the walk as well as talking the talk. It’s about authenticity, personal responsibility, being open, honest, transparent, true to ones calling, true to oneself and true to ones God’s. That’s the rub, that’s where the rubber hits the road and that’s tough!

So that’s me. 2011 is going to be a year of significant spiritual development, I feel. As usual, the call of Imbolc is waking me up. I feel called to service, called to action and called to get real. I fully intend to rise to the call!

Children of the God’s

2010-11-14T17:40:00.002Z

This has been a good week in terms of friends challenging me on various topics, yet these topics have had a couple of themes running through them: what do I actually believe and where is my place in the Universe? Good challenges to have and challenges that demand a response. The more that time passes the more uncomfortable I find it to live in a place of fuzziness. Increasingly I need clarity and anything else just seems to land me in a place of treading treacle.

I have become more convinced than ever that as human beings we are indeed Children of the God’s. I say this as I am really beginning to appreciate that we are souls on an evolutionary journey, choosing to rake this incarnation in humanity as part of our journey back to the Godhead. We don’t just have a spark of the Divine within us; we are a reflection of the Divine, part of the One Divine Life. We are Divine. We will one day, from one lifetime, travel home to the Godhead, or we may live as Ascended Masters, this I don’t fully understand as yet, and this is also many lifetimes away. At this point, for me, suffice to know that we are on that path, on that journey and that our own and our fellow human beings evolution is what actually matters, in the here and now.

Growing up in a Christian family and as an adult spending a number of years living within what I today openly and confidently describe as various Christian cults I was taught to think nothing of myself. I was taught to see myself as a doormat. Indeed, at a Bible College I attended for a number of years we actually had lectures on ‘being a doormat for Christ’ from a man who was an esteemed Christian speaker called Campbell McAlpine. I was taught that we had nothing of ourselves as whatever we did have was evil, worthless and of no consequence.

I now see that what we actually have is everything, yet this everything is housed in a body that has its own desires. These desires are not evil, they are not wrong, and to indulge them is neither evil nor wrong. There is, however, an issue of control, of who is in charge, and this is another subject I guess! Suffice to say that the answer lies in knowing ones true will and experiencing ones true connection to the Divine. When one is clear on ones path and ones connection then the issue of who is controlling who ceases to be relevant as all becomes clear.

But this entry is not about the body and the soul, I’ve talked about this before. This is more about the soul and my relationship with the One Divine Life.

I have been raised to see myself as nothing, as something small and insignificant, but now I see that I am indeed a Giant! I am a Giant because of I am part of the Whole, part of Source, not just an aspect of, but integral to the Divine. I am from and as my God’s. My soul cries to the heavens as my body celebrates this world and this life.

Key to this, I am convinced, is understanding our own true will. This is more than understanding our calling; this is more than understanding our purpose. I think it has to be about knowing and understanding, at a profound and revealed level, the will of our soul in this moment in time in this incarnation. It’s about our dynamic relationship with the One Divine Life. It’s about our God Self, our individuation, our encounter, even, with our Holy Guardian Angel. I can’t claim to have experienced that level of initiation as yet, but increasingly it’s a level to which I am drawn. This experience has to be central to fully moving from the small to the Giant experience.

I was before. I have lived many lives. My soul has been on and is on a journey, not just of education, but an evolutionary experience, bringing in that which needs to be and must be and my time in this incarnation is but one aspect of that journey. Discovering my true will is intrinsically linked with knowing who I was before name and form, discovering my truth before I took this form, before I chose to spend this incarnation within this body.

Within our physical is our spiritual self. This spiritual self, this God Self, this person we were before name and form is from and of the God’s. It is this aspect that needs to assume supremacy and it is from here that we create our own reality. The things we feel, the thoughts we have and the words we speak all have creative force and create our own reality. This happens on a solitary all the way through to a national and even international level. We are the masters of our own destiny because we create that which we experience. As Children of the God’s we create our own experiences, our own reality and we can affect our future.

I fall into the trap, all too often, I am learning, of allowing experience to create my own reality as opposed to creating my own experience from my own reality. If I am a Child of the God’s then I create, I do not allow my reality to be created for me. I’m in charge! You can see how this is a complete reversal from all that I was taught when I was a member of various Christian Cults.

This is difficult stuff, and I don’t claim to have any answers at all at this moment in time. All I am writing about is the revelation into which I am entering at this moment in time; the reality that is hitting at this moment. As ever on my own spiritual journey it is for me to take this deeper and further in my own life and in my own experience.

I know that this is about meditation, spending time with my God’s, my Guides and my Ancestors. This is about my God Self getting bigger and truly learning to speak my truth as I stand in my true Power as a Child of the God’s. This is about me recognising my place as someone who stands between and travels between the worlds.

This is about me standing firm when the shit of everyday life is flying in all directions. At this moment I allow these experiences to derail me, to send me off course, to spend a few days or even weeks out of kilter and I lose all sense of connection. This is one negative aspect of walking a solitary path, but this is more than made up for in many other areas.

But all of what I speak comes not from physical effort or striving. It comes not from activity as such, but more from simply knowing our true birthright. It comes from really knowing who we were before name and form and who are. Who we truly are. It comes from that moment of revelation and living in that revelation. Staying in that place is both simple and complex. It also demands a choice and in a sense it does come from a place of surrender.

We can influence and steer micro and macro life events, but we steer in connection with our own true will. Knowing our true course and the course we travel, just as the stars of the heavens travel their own course. They stick to their course, just as I should remain with mine, fulfilling the truth of my own true will without deviation. It’s a tough call! As we all play our part, so we inform the greater human consciousness and as such we can bring the One Divine Will to bear on international events.

The reality is that as Children of the God’s, we create. I guess the question is what am I currently manifesting? I think the honest answer to that is that I’ve probably been creating too much negativity in recent times. I need to remedy this. But this remedy is way above that of simplistic affirmations, it’s about affirmations that come from a place of depth, a place of true Divine revelation and spiritual reality that flows from a genuine connection and expression of my own true will.

We see, we feel, we think, we speak, we make it happen. My words bring forth reality; they create my own reality and lay before me my own destiny.

I may have been raised to see, think, feel and speak as a dwarf, but I am in fact a spiritual Giant.

We all are.

Body and Soul

2010-05-03T22:48:00.007+01:00

I began this way too late to finish it properly! But, here goes!

As I peruse my own blog I have to stop and wonder if I have I have learned anything at all over the years! I read old posts and as I do it seems to me that I’ve been asking the same kind of questions for years! I’d like to think, however, that I am asking them at a different level, but I’m not always so sure! Jerome talked of always having more questions than answers, and that this works to assure humility, and I understand that. I think it’s the onion analogy again, everything is multilayered, and just as one understands one layer, one has to peel off another, and so on and so forth. It can make for a pretty exhausting journey! I assume that at some point one reaches the centre and then suddenly everything makes sense!

Today I have found myself back at the dichotomy between ego and soul. In recent months I have come to feel, with a deep sense of conviction, that (1) I have a soul and that (2) this aspect of me is divine and comes from Source – indeed, it is Source within me, Divinity in human flesh. This has been something of a significant step for me and some would argue, I suppose, that with this belief system I’m not really Pagan, but that’s for another blog at another time and in another place I think!

I found myself at Glastonbury Tor again today – as ever, one of my most favourite places. I arrived late and it was crowded, I much prefer it when I get there early and it’s just a few of us there. However, among the noise I managed to meditate for a while and was aware of my soul connecting with the heavens. I had a sense of my soul singing with Source and as I was aware of this I became aware of the song of Nature all around me and we were all singing the song of Source with Source, we were all in celebration. My own Divinity was connecting with the One Divine Life and we were in union and singing in unison. It was a most wonderful, albeit brief, moment.

At the same time I was aware of my roots being deep within Earth. I was drawing energy deep into myself from the very core of Earth and I became increasingly aware of my body belonging to Earth, and my soul to the heavens.

With this I went into something of a state of flux. My body, the current house of my soul, is of Earth. I don’t believe, as some would argue, that Earth, roots and the body are evil. Through my senses and through my body I feel, touch, taste, hear, see and understand this world and my place in it. My roots also connect me with my heritage, my ancestors and my sense of belonging with place and the spirit of place. This doesn’t separate me from my soul, but it supports my understanding of the house, the tent, within which my soul currently resides. Yet this body has desires, it has longings of its own, it has needs, and it has automated and learned responses, responses and desires that can feed the ego and which can, if I allow them, to overtake my spiritual path and quest, and here is my conundrum.

It is right to celebrate and experience the body, to take joy in this world and to revel in the wonder of what it is to be alive in this time and place and to enjoy that and those which surround us. It is right to be wild and free in Nature and to be one with Nature – we’re in this body for a reason! Yet, at the same time, I cannot be a slave to the body and its impulses. Whilst I don’t advocate a chaste and strict denial of the body – not for a moment – there has to be a place, when training as an initiate, where the body is somehow brought under the control of the soul, of spirit. Is this what Crowley calls ‘love under will’?

There’s a balance to be struck here, I guess and perhaps this balance is about each of us being ever present, being self and spiritually aware and knowing what is feeding the soul and what is feeding the ego at any given moment.

Today I had a clear sense that the only thing that truly holds me back from spiritual progress is me. The only limits that are placed upon my own spiritual experience are those that I myself set in place. Any ceilings, any blocks and any breaks are not imposed but rather allowed or even created by me.

As an individual with a hugely influential Christian past, one that seeks to cast a shadow over my spiritual development and progress, any talk or discussion of the body, the flesh, the ego, poses significantly difficult issues. However, as I read any writings of the Adepts, such as Dion Fortune, and the writings of other paths, I see that the issue of ego is always there, in some shape or form, and these writings, although may be expressed differently, talk about the need to bring the desires and needs of the body under some kind of control, and that there is a discipline required if one is to spiritually progress.

I think that my issue with this is about the fear of loss of sense of self. Much of human journey has been one of fighting for my right to be myself and to fully express myself – my sense of social identity, and to ensure that my right to be who I am is celebrated. My human journey has been one of moving out of suppression and oppression into true freedom – the freedom to be me, without condemnation or criticism or judgement.

So you see, this physical/human journey and the cost of that to me as an individual, together with the gain, appears, at some degree at least, to be at odds with the need to bring this self under control.

I think some of this may be that I am confusing what my True Self with my small self. My True Self is who I was intended to be before name and form. My True FREE self, free from the adaptations one falls into just to get through another day, to please the Boss, the Department, the neighbours, the ‘anything for a quiet life’ type of thing. But this also has to be about being free from the body being in charge, dictating, ruling what one does. It’s not about bringing the body into submission as such, it’s not about chastisement, but it has to be about who is in charge, who is in control? If I choose to have a wild time and indulge every sensory pleasure, then that’s fine, provided that I am doing so from a place of freedom and choice.

So True Self is Higher Self, that place of enlightenment, that place where Spirit shines from my own human eyes and I see the world, and my place in it, from a new place. But it is also about not letting go of my roots, not denying my place in this Earth and the fact that I experience this Earth through my bodily senses. It’s a marriage of body and soul, it’s a relationship between the heavens and Earth, between the Divine and mortal, a celebration of humanity and this earth realm and the Divine and the celestial realms.

From this understanding of True Self comes knowledge of my own true will, my own calling in this time and place, my connection with the One Divine Life and that connection of the Divine Will and mine and the two becoming one and the same. But I think that too is for another blog entry at another time. Now, I think it’s time for this human body to go to bed and rest!

Sacred Masculinity

2010-05-01T17:38:00.002+01:00

There may be some adult content in this entry.

I spent a significant part of today in Glastonbury, with a visit to the Tor and then to Chalice Well. The town was alive with its May Day celebrations around the Market Cross, as well as at Chalice Well, and many and varied events are planned for this evening, but this year, for me, it’s been a solitary Beltane and a time for inner reflection.

I remember, some years ago, attending a Goddess Beltane ceremony in Glastonbury. At this ceremony the leader of this particular group announced, proudly “today, as we celebrate Beltane, we allow The Phallus into our midst.” One could be forgiven for thinking that any male who attended any other of these Goddess ceremonies during the rest of the year could only do so if ones phallus was detachable and could left in a box, outside, before entry into the temple would be allowed!

So my call to the Gods this year has been a simple question: what is sacred masculinity? What does it mean to be divinely male?

It’s a question that has been relevant to me for most of my life.

I’ve mentioned many times that I was raised in an evangelical/charismatic family and as a result God the Father was an ever present reality to my daily life. But this Father God wasn’t always presented as austere, he was also shown as forgiving, loving, compassionate, but he did expect you to follow his edicts and commands. There was little room for individual expression and as a result, little room for any personal expression of self. Self was to be denied, so one has this sense of being more of a clone than an individual.

In my formative years in the Christian Church it was clear that men led. Men were in charge, women were subordinate. The male leaders of the Church had the power to command people to marry, and to order people to leave their hometown and set up house anywhere else in the world that they felt ‘God’ had said was right for them. If the leader said it, then it had to be right, there was little room for personal choice or decision making.

So this ‘God the Father’ was both controlling, dominant and authoritative, with a bit of love and compassion thrown in. However, no matter what an evangelical Christian tells you, this love was and is entirely conditional.

With this kind of patriarchal experience in my own background I could partially understand the opening message of the Goddess Temple leader that particular Beltane. Why would they want to allow this patriarchal God into their midst, if to do so would be to encourage little other than subordination and control? These women wanted to be open to express themselves and their spirituality, and their sexuality, without any sense of patriarchal domination, interference or domination – and justifiably so.

However, for me, as I sat there, hearing this, I felt unwanted, unloved, unwelcomed, contaminated, despised and little more than an invader into a space that I had no right to occupy. It was an incredibly uncomfortable moment in my experience as a spiritual seeker and one that I am unlikely to forget. So those words have left an indelible mark upon my spiritual development as any of those spoken by any patriarchal Christian leader from my past. Both have been as equally as damaging.

Significant to all of this is my journey as a gay man. Yes, I am male! I have a phallus and it isn’t detachable! What’s more, I am happy being male, I like being male and I am really happy that I am a gay male! Far gone are the days where I despised myself for my own sexuality, the days where I longed and prayed for ‘God’ to make me either straight or asexual, as it was apparent to me, as a child and as a teenager, that the God of the Christians had no time for me as a gay man. I am a male who is sexually attracted to males and I have no issue or problem with that. However, just as society at large has a problem with that, so does the pagan world, in some quarters, and this has presented me with problems as I’ve tried to understand what Sacred Masculinity is and what it means to me.

The Goddess community had no real understanding of how to cope with me a gay man at all. I was also given little room with which to help them with that problem – they didn’t really want to know or understand, or when they did, it was all about camp humour and jest. Together with that was the strong emphasis upon sexuality, fertilisation and creation – where did I fit in with all this? What did this kind of masculinity have to say to me? What was interesting was that the men I observed would go out into the woods and gather wood for the fire whilst the women would sow and spin . . . it seemed little different to my own childhood Christian experience.

Interestingly, I can easily embrace Goddess. I have little problem with the concept of the Divine Mother, and I hear Her voice and feel Her deep within me. The Great Mother, She who gave birth to All and who takes All back to Herself resonates and radiates throughout me. I sense Her, know Her and feel Her and I have little problem connecting with Her. I also know She loves me.

It’s the God that gives me the problem. What is it to be Sacredly Male? More than that, what is it to be Sacredly Gay Male?

One of my guides is a very naughty, young, gay Roman Centurion. But he’s no use in asking this question ‘cause all he wants to do is get naked and mess about! He really is very, very naughty, but he can be great fun! However, he isn’t that good at depth . . . not in terms of meaningful discussion, anyway!

Sat on the Tor this morning I called to Gwyn Ap Nudd, the dark lord of the Underworld whom I find it so easy to connect with at Glastonbury Tor. I called also to Herne, and to Cernunnos, as I knew there was something here I needed to grasp. I know I need to reflect what it means to be sacredly male and I want this to be truly incorporated into my spiritual, emotional, psychological and physical psyche.

Green men were everywhere today in Glastonbury, as I am sure you would expect, and they all came in their various shapes and sizes, as again, I am sure you would expect! I had a real sense of the Green Man and spirit of the cloven hoof as I sat there on the Tor. I drank this essence of masculinity, taking it deep within myself.

I’m bored of being asked if I’m a ‘top or a bottom’ but it’s something I get asked a lot. The honest answer to that question is it entirely depends upon the mood . . . I’m both! Although, I have to say, if David Beckham were asking the question I’d be whatever he wanted me to be at any given moment! This point is relevant because there are times when I want to be ritually fucked by the God, so that his essence, his power, his strength, his qualities radiate throughout every cell in my body. That probably makes no sense to you at all, but it does to me! I want him in me! This Green Man, this God of the Greening, this God who brings life, who initiates Creation, this spiritual catalyst, I want him in me. I know that as a body who is home to an immortal soul which contains the very essence of Source that this same power of Creation lays within me. I want to make it so. I want it initiated, brought into life, made real. The power of masculinity and femininity meet within the one vessel and through the fire of love and sexuality new creation comes forth.

I sometimes sit at the Wellhead at Chalice Well and want the God to turn up and take me there and then! Part of me can’t believe that I’m actually saying this out loud, but this Beltane I need to tell the truth! Some people will say that I’m being sacrilegious, but no, I’m not. I’m saying that I understand the magic and sacredness of sexuality, but I understand this as a gay man. Go figure.

I’ve somewhere to go in really understanding what it means to be divinely male. Today I have felt the fusion of compassion and strength, I have wondered at the power created when love and nurture meet. I have seen the magic of vitality, of sexuality, and of sacrifice. I have felt the power of assertion, tempered with true respect and measured with love. I have felt the brokenness, and seen the joy. I have tasted the sweetness of running in the woods and I have sensed the wisdom that comes only with time and experience.

These are some of the qualities of the Divine Male. I journey on in this most scared and spiritual of experiences and I embrace, as a gay and proud gay man, true sacred masculinity.

Celebrating Difference

2010-02-28T22:31:00.000Z

This post is something of a divergence from the main theme of this blog, yet at the same time it is also central to it as this post contains, I guess, what in many ways is the essence of me. In making a post such as this public I am, in many ways, making myself vulnerable (yet again!) to criticism and ridicule, but as this blog is all about my spiritual journey, with all its highs and lows, vulnerability is an absolute necessity, because without it, there is no change, there is no development and consequently there is no growth. Risk is demanded, stepping out of comfort zones a prerequisite, and daring to move into the unknown, hand in hand with and trusting The One Divine Life central to any kind of progression.

I’ve been quiet for the past few weeks and for no other reason than, once again, my professional life has been demanding more of my time and energy. I’ve been caught up in one of those periods where I’ve been finding it really difficult to ‘switch off’ at the end of the working day and time for personal meditation, reflection and spiritual practice has been really difficult because of this. I am never happy with this type of situation and I am always conscious of the shift this causes within me. I become uneasy with myself and become restless. I feel disconnected and separate and I really don’t like that feeling. It’s like I lose sense and connection with who I am and as a result I don’t relate well with all that’s happening around and within me because I am not reacting as me. I don’t know if that makes sense to you, but it does to me! Also, I find that I become overly reactive and I firmly believe that people of Spirit create, we contain the Creative force and therefore being pushed around by circumstance isn’t right and it isn’t comfortable.

Within all this there has been a personal challenge, and this challenge is all about who it is I take into my working day. Do I take my true self, the person I am, the person who is continually in this place of ‘becoming’ or do I take the person who is little more than the professional caricature? The person I am expected to be who wears the corporate uniform, speaks the corporate language and walks the corporate path? Whilst it is the latter that is seemingly demanded, it is the latter I am finding it increasingly difficult, if not impossible, to conform with. I am more aware that ever I have been of the pure anger that this continual demand causes to rise within me and I am not sure how to handle or what to do with that reaction at the moment. It’s something that scares me in a way because at times the anger feels so real and so powerful that it feels like if I expressed it, everything around me would combust into flames! I know that sounds really strange and dramatic, but that’s how it feels.

The root of all of this is the celebration of diversity, or perhaps I should say, the lack of it. A key aspect of my professional role, and one that has been very recently reaffirmed; is to manage equality and diversity, both in terms of service delivery and staff management. I guess I have been given this role because it is something to which I am totally committed, both personally and professionally. Some assume my commitment comes from the fact that I am a gay man, with a disability, who walks a minority spiritual path, but people who think that actually miss the point. My commitment to equality and diversity comes from nothing other than a firm and passionate belief that each and every human being on this planet has the absolute right to reach their full potential without imposed restriction of any kind. We, all of us, have a right to be who we are and we have a right to become who we are called to be. No one has a right to stand in the way of that, be they family, peer, neighbour, politician, manager or institution. Difference, that wonderful thing each of us brings because of who we intrinsically are, should not be ignored, should not be tolerated, should not be whitewashed in some kind of banal, powerless, ineffectual thing, but should be recognised, celebrated, trumpeted, enjoyed and revelled in. Difference is what makes us real, makes us vital, makes us powerful, and when we bring this difference together, when we link arms, utilise all the skills, attributes, differences and unique experiences each of us have, then anything is possible and anything can happen. This is the hub of creativity, the more richly diverse any group of people the more effective and productive it will be, no matter what the objective. Restrict this, in any way, and that creativity is not only stifled, but the human casualties will soon begin to mount up.

I don’t want to have a professional me and private me. I want to be me wherever I am at any given time. For years I fought what often feels like a terrible battle to be accepted as an openly gay man. The consequences of this were immense and have involved losing family (thankfully temporarily), security, jobs and promotion, but I refused, on any level, to deny who I am.

My visual disability has also caused me difficulties, especially in terms of my professional working life, and this has bought me into conflict with managers and departments as I have asserted my rights under disability legislation when actually I should have had no need to do so – the support should have been there, but it wasn’t. ‘Best Practice’ can be decidedly lacking when you least expect it, and the shock of that can be disabling in itself.

And spirituality I have endured ridicule as my deeply held convictions inform the way I think, feel, act, interact, experience and contribute to people, life and the world generally.

I guess all of these factors work together to develop within me a real empathy with people who experience less than they deserve at the hands of individuals and corporations. I think what I need to learn to manage within me, and it’s something that I don’t always find easy, is the emotional reaction this brings. My power and ability to empathise can be somewhat overwhelming at times, and it is this that I need to learn to channel in a productive way which ultimately results in positive outcomes for all concerned.

So I feel as though I am at some kind of watershed. In some ways if feels terrifying, in other ways it feels exciting, but I am consciousness of a huge amount of strength that resides within me at the moment. It’s like I am at a crossroads and this crossroads is about me asserting the true principles of equality and diversity, both individually and corporately, not only through usual working practice, but through truly bringing my complete self into the working arena. I want people to have a sense of the spiritual me as they encounter me. I don’t want people to view me as someone described me the other day; his words were that I was “the conscience of the service”. I want to be more than that. I want to be able to affect positive change for people through positively changing the way people are managed, bringing real cultural change and positive outcomes for the service. Sounds lofty and worthy, doesn’t it? I don’t want it to sound like that, I want it so sound real! And I want this to come from who I am, the true me, the real me, the spiritually connected me, the me who knows where he sits in connection with the Universe and who brings that power and reality into every aspect of his life.

I don’t want to be some kind of corporate robot who is little more than part of a huge machine. I want to bring the wonder and richness of true humanity into everything that I do through my appreciation of my own divinity and that of each person I work with, support, manage and encounter each day.

It’s an impossibly tall order . . . or is it? I just need to know where and how I take it from here!

Change

2010-02-07T22:16:00.002Z

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”

This famous quote made by Charles Darwin and the theme of change has been resonating with me for some time. It seems that on every level of my life, both internally and externally, change is afoot, and what is also interesting is that it is happening almost irrespectively of my engagement with it. It is happening, regardless, and the call to me is to move and allow the change to work what it needs to work within me.

And as change happens in the ‘mundane’ (although I don’t like to use that term) so it happens, and has to happen, on the spiritual plane. My path is a path of transformation, one of the evolution of my soul, In order to grow in the understanding of the dynamic of my own True Will so I have to open myself to change, to powerful transformation . . . to growth.

And this growth can be painful, as can all change. The transformative path I am walking is leading me deeper into appreciating that the call is to know the Will of my Soul, and to lay down the will of the ego. The clash and the battle at the centre of this can be immense. In some ways this internal tension is being played out at all levels around me at the moment, from structural and organisational changes at work, to changes with my own health, health struggles being experienced by my dearest friend, to changes in family dynamics and relationships through to changes in other interpersonal relationships. It’s everywhere and the changes I see externally simply work to mirror those that are taking place – or demanding to take place, within. If I am to listen to the quote above by Darwin, my response to this internal change is significant.

So what is my own true will? I’ve asked this question again and again on this blog, but I see that this is a question that I will continually ask because my own true will is dynamic and changing and not static. It has to be dynamic because change is constant in that it is constantly working to bring me nearer to fully understanding and appreciating the nature of my true will.

As I understand my own true will today it is to fully know and experience my true connection with The All. That sounds very simplistic, but then it has to be simplistic if I am to summarise it one sentence. For me my own true will is about really stepping into that place where I take up my role as a cog in the Universe that supports true interconnection and that draws the power and energy of that connection into my core and thus see it radiated into the Earth and into the lives of others. Being one with The One Divine Life. Being one with the Universe, the Cosmos. Simply being part of Source.

So the path of transformation for me at the moment is about removing those ties that bind, that hold me back, that restrict and hinder my move forward. These may be physical things, things are ‘out there’ on this plane, and they may be internal things, things of the ego, things of the past, perhaps even things of past lives, things that need more than to be released, they need to be divested of their power and part of that is about me stopping acting and thinking in such ways that actually gives these restrictive binds their power.

And this is why connection with spirit of place and with ancestors is important for me at the moment, because I see what is happening is like a paring back to the simple – back to that which really matters, that which is of value, is of meaning and that will forward the work of truly knowing and achieving the nature of my own true will.

Even more simply own true will is to know my Gods and be as one and at one with them. To take up my part in the Dance of Life and dance my steps at the right time and in time. To hear the beat and the rhythm and to dance accordingly no matter who or what is watching. To do this I need to do more than listen to the music, I need to become part of the music.

Imbolc Celebrations

2010-02-01T18:45:00.003Z

I was up at 0630 this morning as I dearly wanted to climb Glastonbury Tor. I’ve mentioned many times that I love the Tor, it really is one of my most special places, and because it’s local to me (about 45 minutes away) getting there is not difficult. It’s such a great ‘high place’ and one of those places where ‘the spirit of place’ is just so tangible. Modern day historians cast doubt on whether Glastonbury Tor really was a place of pagan worship, and I recognise the validity of their arguments, but for me, the fact that many modern day pilgrims climb this place, with their intentions set, and the fact that so many rituals and ceremonies take place here ensures that the Tor is imbued with spiritual energy. The most spiritually resistant of people could not fail to sense the energy that radiates from this place.

I love the idea that the Tor is home to Gwyn ap Nudd and this is often the energy I connect with when I’m standing atop the Tor. I appreciate that this is the stuff of myth and legend, but it’s something that works for me. I find the Tor a place of real and deep grounding, and as my roots travel deep into the Tor I know I am in the place of the Dark womb, the place of transformation. In that sense I often experience the Tor as the key to the Underworld, and Gwyn ap Nudd is there as its keeper. As I said yesterday, it’s impossible to avoid this crucial aspect, we have to tarry in the Dark if we are ever to know the reality of Light.

However, a clear message spoke directly to my heart this morning, and that was to truly walk into the Light. It was a clear message and I felt something of a prod from Gwyn ap Nudd. It was almost as if he was saying that he was fed up with me hanging around in his territory and that he was booting me out! Yes, I’ll return, but a clear, resounding message that I had spent too long in the Dark and now it was time to embrace the Light trumpeted in my ears and soul. Gwyn ap Nudd is not to be messed with, and I felt his foot making contact with my backside and out into the Light went I!

It’s interesting that I find this a challenge, but I do. Some may shy from the Dark, but this aspect for me feels more comfortable that believing I have a right and a place in the Light. Believing that I am worthy is a huge challenge, and that I have a place and a right to stand as a Light of the World provides an even greater challenge. The kick out of the Underworld came as no surprise and now the challenge is to explore my place in this new world as Imbolc turns to Equinox.

Why is it a challenge? I think the challenge is on many fronts. It is, as I say above, a thing of appreciating my value, my worth, my will and my place, but it is also a thing of dedication. The Light is not a ‘love and light’ fluffy thing, but a challenge to growth. It is a test of dedication, of commitment and a challenge to throw ones hat in the ring and truly be who I was called to be before name and form. There is no place to hide in the Light, no dark corner, for the Light pervades all. It’s about being prepared to stand, to be counted, to rise up and be who I truly am. And I feel this challenge most acutely.

After breakfast I moved on the ceremony at White Spring. What a fantastic place, and what a marvellous job people have done in the redesign of the White Spring. The energy in this place is fantastic and the energetic fusion is palpable.

As we welcomed the Light, carried by Brighid, back into the world and into our lives, you can imagine, appreciating all that had gone before, my internal dialogue with the One Divine Life! As people spoke of Brighid I also connected with my own Patron Goddess, Sulis, Mother of Water and Fire, both so evident in this sacred place. As Fire and Water come together change is the only result, and I felt the calling and challenge for change within me.

Yet as people honoured Deity I was only too aware of the message and challenge to embrace my own Divinity. I have spoken of this before on these pages, yet there is something here that I have not truly entered into as yet. The challenge to an ex-Christian to even contemplate that I may be part of the One Divine Life is incredible – but that is because the Christian does not understand this reality. Poems were read, from such lovely people, and many spoke of this truth . . . know you not that you are part of Source. The Divine being that we celebrate, that we love, and that we call too and honour is not only within you but IS you!

A chap sang a most moving song at the White Spring. What is odd is that I couldn’t tell you thing about the content of this song now, but what shone through for me as he sang, beyond the words, was the wonder of connection. Oh how trite that word has become, but how powerful it is when one truly takes time to actually consider what it truly means! I was beaming at him as he sang, I couldn’t help it and I couldn’t stop it!

The power and strength of this reality hit home to me as we walked through the door from the White Spring into Chalice Well. If moving into the Light is about embracing our true Divine heritage, our true Divine Self, then the power of that is immense. It’s not a lightweight thing, how can it be? To say that we are all connected, not just with each other, but with The All, and not just like some kind of genealogical thing, but in the sense of being part of . . . being AS the Divine Life, then this is really powerful stuff. Yet I know and sense this to be true. Within my very being is part of the One Divine Life. My body will fail and crumble, but just as surely as nothing ever dies, that which is Divine within will also never die. I want this truth to shift from knowledge to living reality within me.

The time spent around the Wellhead was special for me only because of part of a poem spoken by a guy who was truly channelling the Divine. I was caught up in the excitement and wonder of the words that flowed from him as they underlined and magnified all that I write of above. It’s time to honour my true Divinity and to move in the power of that.

Do I sound arrogant? I can see how I may come across that way, but I do not write in arrogance. If anything, I write almost in fear at what this really means. I am also painfully aware that what I speak of is probably akin to that which Dion Fortune called Initiation, that moment where it is the Higher Self, the God Self, that radiates from one’s eyes. I am well aware that I am not at that point, as yet. I am a Seeker, a person who seeks Initiation, but at the same time I am more than aware of the road that I need to travel before I reach that point. In that sense the words I write speak as much of aspiration as they do revelation.

Together with this today was special because I connected with friends, both old and new, and loved the fact that a glance exchanged could communicate a thousand words.

A special day indeed!

Imbolc

2010-01-31T18:01:00.002Z

This is one of my most favourite times of the year. The promise of Imbolc, for me, is one of the most powerful and moving of seasons, as we celebrate the fact, the truth that nothing ever dies. Here, for me, is where the wheel of the year brings forth its promise, those first stirrings of hope, those very early signs that the pain and challenge of the Dark Season is now bringing forth its promise. Just when it felt that all was lost, that death and dark were all there ever would be, comes the very early sign that there is hope. There is life . . . that the journey has not led to death, but it has led to transformation, to change, and now here, once more, is the promise of life. Nothing really dies.

And the Dark is often terrible – but necessary. I can’t subscribe to the fluffy notion that as a spiritual person all will be love and light. It’s not all about dancing and singing. That’s not real. That’s not life and it certainly isn’t a true spiritual experience. To embrace Light is to embrace Dark. Every seed of promise has its bed in the dark and germinates in the dark and only after the process of germination does it begin to reach of the light.

It’s so easy to lose sight of our spiritual reality and to believe that what we see, touch, hear, feel and taste is all there is. We experience this temporal existence through our five senses and at times it’s easy to become fooled into thinking along these temporal lines. We become attached to the material and to the physical, however subtly, and then it’s not long before we’re projecting the temporal into some kind of superior and only reality. This is a blind alley I have walked down too many times and it’s only when I fall into the pit at the end of this alley that I realise the folly of my ways. It’s The Fools Journey.

In my experience it is the Dark that reveals the folly of this and causes me to look within, as well as up, and to see the true reality and not just that which presents itself before me each day. Gwyn ap Nudd, Keeper of the Underworld, strips away all that is pretence, all that is not needed, all that does not serve, to reveal that which is of the Higher Mind. It is impossible to fully embrace the wonder of the Light if one has not travelled with the Dark. The Dark is the place of true transformation, where one is honed and then free to burst forth into the Light, as Light. Here is the mystery, here is the wonder.

Some like to look at the Dark as evil. This is a terrible but commonplace misunderstanding. The Dark is not evil at all, rather it is part of Life, part of the mystery, and part of me. As I journey into the very womb of the Mother so I am confronted with that which is unnecessary and contrary to my own spiritual evolution. Yes, here is often pain and here is often torment, but this is not evil or bad. The pain and torment comes from me, from my own attachment and refusal to let go. The pain is about my own resistance. The Dark is all about release, liberation and freedom and a true sense of being prepared for the wonder of rebirth. It is that continual process of Little Death that leads to the wonder of continual rebirth. I cannot appreciate the true wonder of rebirth if I have not allowed that to die which no longer serves my better interest.

There is nothing fluffy about this.

There has to be Death before Life. No matter how hard I have tried to avoid this in the past, the reality of the fact comes home, and at times has had to hit me hard. There are no short cuts, no quick fixes. If I want to walk in the way of the Gods, then I have to accept that I open myself to the fires of transformation and, if I want to know the joy and release that first has its promise at Imbolc, then I need to journey through the Dark that is Samhain.

So the promise of Light at Imbolc is a celebration because to me it’s about being catapulted out into a new place. It’s also about knowing that I am part of that Light. I am a Light of the World. As I continue to journey with The Mother, so I am being transformed, part of my journey before I return to source.

Nothing really dies. We may taste terrors, we may experience pain, we may stare death in the face, but we do not die and this is the promise, the wonder of Imbolc. The cycle continues, the circle is joined, the mystery is revealed.

Goddess and God reveal the wonder of this time of year in those swelling buds, those first green shoots that we can see in our own gardens. Within us too, those shoots are growing, those intentions set in the Dark are now reaching for the Light and will, very soon, burst out of the Dark, triumphant, as they reach for the Light, toward heaven, our true home.

And I am a Light of This World, as are all who walk with the Gods and who seek initiation. We bring Light because we are Light. The Light of our Higher Self radiates from within at ever increasing levels as we walk our path.

So at Imbolc I celebrate my true reality, my true connection. I am birthed, once more, from Darkness into Light and look to the forward year of promise and growth.

Papa Don't Preach!

2010-01-24T18:22:00.001Z

I didn’t like having to delete one of the comments to my post of last week, as I don’t like censorship at all. However, as this space is my own spiritual journal where I record my own thoughts and spiritual journey I felt that someone posting the Christian gospel, asking me to walk a different path and stating that the Christian way was the only way, was not only disrespectful and rude, it was also insulting.

People who have journeyed with me over some time will know, from the posts I have made over the years, that I once was Christian. I was raised in an evangelical/charismatic Christian family and even went to Bible College. I know the Christian gospel as well as anyone. I have also chosen to reject it.

I’m making this the theme of my post this week for a reason, and the reason is this: I don’t believe anyone holds the key to absolute truth. I also don’t believe that any of us have a right to criticise the spiritual path of another. I cringe in horror and embarrassment when I look back at my life and think of the times when I have ‘preached the gospel’ at people, instead of respecting them, their journey and where they happen to be in terms of their journey. I really wish I could go back and apologise to each and every one of those people. This kind of attitude shows no respect for individual intelligence and neither does it respect people as individuals. It also shows an utter disregard for the integrity of others. It is this kind of fundamentalism that has caused our world to enter into many dubious and dangerous moments in recent and not so recent history.

Who am I to tell another what they should believe and who am I to tell another what they believe?

My spiritual journey has shown me that my body is a shell, it’s a tent, and it’s something in which I am choosing to live at this moment in time. My body is not me. My body simply houses that part of me that is before name and form, that part of me that is part of Source, part of The All. My soul is on an evolutionary journey and at this moment in time it lives within this body. No one can criticise where my soul is at today as it is where it is meant to be! By the same token, who am I to criticise you, your journey or where your soul is at today, for the very same reason. We will travel on our respective journeys until we have leaned and experienced what it is we needed until we rejoin Source and become at one with the One Divine Life. We make our own journey and we follow our own path and each is valid, each is special and precious and each deserves respect and honour.

I am not one of those pagans who hate Christians. I don’t understand people who dislike the followers of other paths so vehemently. I just don’t get that. I have reason to dislike the Christian path for so many reasons, but suffice to say that for me it was too restrictive and for me if did not value difference and diversity enough. The Christian doctrine to me was little short of a clone making factory and I found it to be something of a suffocating and claustrophobic experience and one that I have no desire to repeat. But this was my experience and for others who feel this is their way, I wish them well and I wish them blessings. I simply ask that they wish me the same.

I have no doubt that I am on the right path for me in this incarnation. Some people have wished me well on my ‘new path’ as some may perceive my recent draw to the Western Way as a new path. To me it isn’t a new path at all, rather a step along the path that I have always been walking. Where I have been informs where I am now, and there is no contradiction. I am simply placing my feel on the path that opens up before me.

And this brings me to where I am today. The comments made on my previous post were so very helpful as they have helped me to see the very real connection, or should I say, relationship, between my thoughts around ancestors and others thoughts around ‘the spirit of place.’ What I have seen is that there is indeed a relationship between the two.

I know that the wisdom, knowledge, experience, creativity and insight of my forebears reverberates within my very DNA. Their very being is present in the cells of my body. At the same time, the land they have walked has been invested with their energy through their spiritual practice as well as their everyday life and therefore the land also reverberates with this self same energy. Ancestors and land coming together.

And with this is the spirit of place. My forebears called to the elements, they called to their Gods, and as they were called, so the Gods responded. Someone once said that the more a God is called the more powerful in terms of energy and presence the God becomes. I don’t know what I think about that, but I can see that as a people call to the One Divine Life in the way that has been revealed to them, so this Deity forms part of the Group or Folk Soul.

As I walk the land I am beginning to sense all this in new and powerful ways. It is bringing a new sensitivity to the spirit of place and I can sense the energy of both those who have walked before and the Spirits of that place. The Gods have not deserted that space just because they are not called so frequently.

So the wisdom and mystery of my forebears, the land upon which I walk, and the Deities of that place lies before me. I just need to learn how to truly connect in such a way that I receive this wisdom.

I guess that is something of a lifetime journey!

Acknowledging Ones Roots

2010-01-17T18:43:00.001Z

I blogged some time ago about the importance of roots and this is something that has been with me again the past week or so. Truly knowing that sense of connection with Earth. I don’t mean this is a simple, fluffy visualisation sense, but in a true and dynamic sense of genuine and dynamic connection – a connection of power.

I have become increasingly aware of how this aspect of my spiritual path is frowned upon, not just by the Christian world but also by some parts of the magical community. Christians often view talk of connection with Earth, and our roots being firmly planted in our Mother as evil and wrong, and some people who follow a magical tradition have said to me that they consider such a practice to be ‘fluffy’ and without true foundation. I can the latter comment when one considers how trivialised such pathworking has become over the years, by some. But this is by no means the case for all. I think one has to delve deeply beneath the surface to find the true reality and it is important to avoid judging every book by its cover.

I have become convinced in recent weeks and months that the importance of connection with the spirit of place cannot be over emphasised. This is about truly connecting with ancestral wisdom, and this can be accessed through connection with the landscape, through tradition, as laid down in songs, myths and legends; and mystical connection with those who have gone before. To my mind this is both a valid and crucial aspect of spiritual practice.

Over the years I have allowed this apparent division between those who embrace Earth based spiritual practice and those who pursue a more Hermetic tradition to confuse and muddle my spiritual progress. I had allowed myself to get boxed into a pattern of thinking that was simply a case of ‘either or’ and that there was little, if any, room for a combination of both. Now I am starting to understand that one informs the other and the two can rest comfortably side by side as both are required for true spiritual development.

I cannot dismiss the wisdom of my ancestors. I see and sense a very real dovetailing of the Otherworld and the very real sense of the God-self. The two are not mutually exclusive. I know and understand and have experienced the power and majesty of the ‘spirit of place’ and know that what I see with my physical eyes is an expression of deity, of the Unseen. I think it is the dilution of this into commercial off the shelf packages of spirituality that has caused the damage for those who have truly experienced a powerful and real Earth based connection and celebrate deity in this way.

Ones roots cannot be dismissed. How can my branches reach to and celebrate and glory in the wonder of the heavens if I am cut off at the roots? How can I produce fruit that feeds and nourishes my fellow travellers if I have no way of drawing up rich and life giving energy? How can my spiritual self exist if it is separated from that wonderful and rich source of ancestral memory?

I am really beginning to see and understand not just the validity, but the crucial importance of connecting with what has been described to me recently as the ‘folk soul’. This speaks to me of that immeasurable and profound spiritual reservoir that is full of ancestral knowledge, wisdom, experience and power; a rich and dynamic spiritual energy source.

What I am not speaking about here, however, is a slavish adherence to the past that expresses itself through some kind of nationalistic spiritual expression of the past. To my mind the person who walks between the worlds today brings back ancient wisdom that meets the needs of human kind today. Our path has to be relevant to today and whilst we know and experience our connection with ancient consciousness, we bring the power of this into the world that we find ourselves in now.

That’s not to water it down, that’s not to pretend, but rather to bring ancient wisdom and knowledge to our current situation through a moving on from our roots rather than an attempt to remain stuck.

This is the challenge for me as I take my next faltering steps on my spiritual journey. My intention is to connect with my guides and forebears and to truly understand and experience the wonder and power of their connection with the One Diviner Life and bring this into my experience in the Now. This is not about living my spiritual life vicariously through them, but rather to fully and dynamically appreciate the foundation upon which my spiritual path and experience is based. I want to truly value and appreciate the wonder of my forebears experience and to fully appreciate the roots that sustain me and the energy that springs from these roots that in turn spurs me on to new experiences and growth.

Relationship With Deity

2010-01-10T22:13:00.000Z

On reading through some of my old writings there are a number of themes that strike a chord with me today. One that resonates most strongly with me at the moment is relationship with Deity. It’s been good to check back and evaluate my spiritual journey as it was happening some months ago, in some cases, many months, because this has allowed to me capture the essence of that journey and has enabled me to see where I want to walk in the months that lie ahead. It’s no coincidence, I am sure, that Imbolc is just around the corner! Things are starting to stir indeed.

I think my entire spiritual journey can be summarised in the title of this entry – it’s all about my relationship with Deity. Back in the days of my Christian upbringing, whilst God was portrayed as a God of love, there was a theme running parallel to this that whilst not saying “this is what you have to do in order to win God’s love”, it was saying, and very clearly, “this is the behaviour, conduct, attitude, thought processes, beliefs and lifestyle you have to mirror in order to maintain God’s love.” There was this incredibly rigid, inflexible, almost hostile, heavy and suffocating code one had to adhere to that had the result of driving any creativity, spontaneous expression, diversity or freedom right out of the door. This had the simple and sad result of creating nothing other than clones, people who all spoke, thought and acted alike, no difference, no diversity, no creativity at all. Just sameness, all stirred together with a sense of having to reach out for God.

And it’s that sense of ‘reaching out’ that is weighing heavy on me today and it is this that has caused me to write this entry today. A mental picture that remains with me from my Charismatic Christian days is of gatherings of people (and don’t get me wrong, the majority of these people were sincere, lovely people) all singing praise to their God with their hands lifted to heaven. But these hands were not just lifted, there was something desperate here, something that spoke of a desperate hunger and a need to reach out and grab something and to pull whatever it was they found back into themselves. There was a tragedy about this and it was this picture that struck me quite vividly even when I still moved in those circles. This desperate desire was something of a neurosis and it spoke of huge effort on the part of the seeker. It left me empty.

No relationship, and most especially one with the Divine, is about rules and regulations. It can’t be about an adherence to a code or religious following of some kind of dogma – this isn’t what relationship is. Relationship is dynamic, it’s real, it has energy and power, it makes things happen, it creates things, it brings things to birth, it changes things and it’s celebratory and has moments of pure ecstasy. This is relationship!

Reflecting on my path to date I have come to see that my relationship with the One Divine Life is not about this strict and inflexible system, and neither is about looking up or back, it’s about looking within. I’ve come in for some criticism in saying this, and it’s so easy to interpret my words as little more than a call to navel gazing. This isn’t what I am saying at all. What I am saying is, as Doreen Valiente was inspired to write in her Change Of The Goddess “for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.” This isn’t just about knowing how one ticks, it’s not just about a call to psychology, it’s about understanding the Mystery and wonder that lies within each one of us.

Each of us is an expression of the One Divine Life and in this each of us is divine. Within me is the very magick that birthed creation. The same energy, the same dynamic, creative relationship. It’s not about a desperate and hungry reaching out, begging to be filled by some distant God, but rather an understanding of that relationship that already is manifest within. The wonder of all this is within me. And this doesn’t exist just to make me feel better, it’s not some egotistical thing, it’s a realisation that the beginning of which brings wholeness and healing not just to individuals, but to the land, our Earth.

My path is a journey that possibly over many lifetimes will take me closer to that ecstatic embrace of the Divine. And this starts, I feel, with understanding where my place truly lies with the One Divine Life, and taking that place begins with an acknowledgement that I, as I am today, am a perfect and pleasing expression of the One Divine Life.

Heaven and Earth

2010-01-03T18:31:00.002Z

In many ways I know little of which I speak! The Western Way is a magical path that I feel has been calling me for some time, yet I’ve been in something of a haze of confusion as I’ve been looking for a way forward. Sure, I’ve read Dion Fortune, yet at the same time I have been sure that there has been something missing in my search. I was reminded today of a quote from Dion Fortune’s book “The Goat Foot God”. Hugh Paston says:

I don’t want anything spiritual, it isn’t my line, I had an overdose of it at Oxford. What I want is that something vital which I feel to be somewhere in the universe, which I know I need, and which I can’t lay my hand on

And for me, this is my quest. I want to make and experience that true connection with the One Divine Life and for this connection to change me and those I come into contact with. What I want is spiritual in the sense that I hunger for the inner courts of reality and not the outer courts of theatre. I don’t want pretence, show, theatre, costume and pseudo-glamour, I want all that stripped away in order to get hold of that which is real and to truly experience Them in my being. I think one of the reasons I have been silent here for so long is that I have been disillusioned with the peddling of spirituality, and whilst I know that each and every one of us has a living to make, there is something cheapening about it when it is peddled by people who have simply read the right books but experienced little. And reality has to be what it is all about.

I am conscious that I am setting out my store, and in a way I already feel the pressure of that, but by the same token one does not become an initiate of the Mysteries by attending a weekend workshop, I know that this is about commitment, dedication, spiritual practice, meditation and sacrifice. Key themes that have been with me for some time. So what I am talking about here is a process rather than an event, and one that I have control over.

As I stood on Glastonbury Tor yesterday I became aware of two things:

1. That I was deeply connected to Earth, at the same time I was aware that through this connection I was drawing up fire from the very centre of Earth and this fire became the centre of me

2. That I was connected to the Stars and celestial light radiated from my head and poured into my head.

These two things are the power of connection and to, at the moment, show the first steps on what I am understanding as the Western Mystery Tradition. There are two things running parallel: the deep connection to Earth with roots firmly planted in the ways and traditions of my ancestors, whilst at the same time reaching to the heavens and experiencing that deep connection with the One Divine Life. Here is a perfect union and one cannot be had without the other, the meeting of heaven and earth. This is something that I need to explore, as there is something about bring the reality of this into the Now – into my daily experience.

And here is an issue that trips me up again and again – bringing all of this into my daily working life. I’ve not cracked that as yet. On a daily basis I still see things that upset and offend me in terms of how people are treated and their humanity walked over, and increasingly, I find this impossible to accept. The actions of others have the detrimental affects upon the not only the careers of others, but also violates their human dignity, and somehow I am expected to support this in the name of progressing the organisation. This I find increasingly impossible. I feel that 2010 will be a time where, drawing on the fire that burns within me and the inspiration of my Gods I will be speaking not only my truth, but the truth, into these situations. Courage and strength, two words that were given to me by a Facebook friend yesterday, will be key in tackling this . . . and I will need them by the bucket load! It is stuff like this work situation that I allow to block my spiritual progress. I feel that it almost robs me of something. Instead I need to turn it around, and pour in to this spiritual void that is work, something of me. My true self.

I want to step away from Heaven and Earth as simply concepts, so that their reality radiates within and from me so that change is engendered, both for me, and for those who experience me in various ways as I go about my life.

The Desire Of My Heart

2010-01-02T16:33:00.001Z

I’ve been wondering what title I can give this blog entry as it’s been almost a year since I’ve written anything here. All titles that came to mind appeared to me to be either sentimental, out of proportion or simply stupid. So, I shall simply write what is on my heart and see what title reveals itself from that.

This blog has always been about keeping my own personal journal, a spiritual journal because I consider myself to be a spiritual person. From all the labels that one could attribute to me, and there are many,’ spiritual’ is the one that best defines me and who I am whilst also describing where and what I want to be. It is both a description and an aspiration and the wonder and magick of that can be found in the apparent contradiction. I guess what I have just written could sound arrogant to some, but to me this is an important statement of fact that I need to get clear in my own head. I am, first and foremost, above all else, a man of Spirit. That others have joined my journey by way of making comments on this blog has been a bonus in terms of the support such comments provide, but my writing was never about engendering comments, and that, I feel, is an important boundary to emphasise, because losing that sense of perspective is one of the reasons that I’ve been away.

I need to set out why I’ve been away in order to make sense of my return to the blogosphere.

2009 was an incredibly tough year on many fronts. In terms of my own health, serious health issues for people with whom I am deeply connected, challenging situations at work and my own internal challenges provided me with the need to retreat, to regroup, to challenge what is really important to me and what it is I actually believe. Many of these issues and situations, including my own health status, remain currently unresolved. I needed to step away from this public space because it was simply that: public. To write for the sake of blogging alone would be to move away from what this blog is all about, and at times there was nothing to write, as all I could do was ‘be’. The apparent external inactivity belied the huge inner workings that were taking place.

Motivation was also a key reason why I stepped back from the blogosphere. As I have set out, this space is simply my own spiritual diary. I found that in making this a public thing there was a huge temptation to write simply for the comments of others, or to impress. Much of this was a subconscious pressure that made its way into my conscious mind and when I became aware of it, I was really uncomfortable. I was also concerned about some of the things I witnessed within the blogosphere and the damage that some of this was doing to people. I needed to retreat, to examine my own motives and be clear about them. Was this blog something of ego, or something of Spirit? To put it to death seemed to me to be the most appropriate way of exploring that issue and for that to be true and sincere, it needed to be put to death without fanfare.

So why make this thing public at all? My answer to that is simply that I want my journey to be open to the scrutiny and the support of others, whilst also supporting others on their path. Whilst my path is essentially solitary, and no one else can walk my path for me, I value the support of those spiritual people of stature that I respect. Anything I say or experience should be open to challenge as well as support, otherwise there is no growth. And growth is what I want. This was something that I had to get absolutely clear in my head because the very last thing I wanted was for this blog to become something other than what I intended. I did not want to become some kind of minor pseudo-pagan celebrity; I wanted it to be real in terms of reflecting my own spiritual journey.

I thought of opening a new blog somewhere else, and then I saw that as opposing what this space represents. All the posts that go before reflect my journey; they are all stepping stones to where I am today, so why would I want to move away from them? They are important, even those where I sound confused and bewildered, because those states are also true reflections of where I have been, and probably where I will be again!

And I think here again is a reason I retreated. Some people saw me as some kind of teacher, and I can’t set myself up as that. I’m not. I’m simply a soul in a spiritual evolutionary experience, no different, no more special or important that anyone else . . . or perhaps I should say as important as everyone else. Mutual learning is wonderful, but that is not the primary objective of this space.

I think I also began to feel an unspoken pressure to adopt some kind of formally accepted path. I can’t do that, at least, not at this moment. I am simply me working with what has been revealed to me. However, I want a formal framework upon which I can hang my journey, and I feel that is the Western Mystery Tradition, but this is a path of which I know little and need to explore and experience on a much deeper level. I set this as an intention for the forward year.

From that, some may say I cannot call myself pagan. I understand the reasoning behind that, but for the purpose of this blog, and in terms of it reflecting where I have been, and in a sense, remain, I see no reason to change the blogs title at this point.

So why am I back? Because it is time to further the internal work that is part of my spiritual evolution. By committing my thoughts, feelings, revelations, disasters, progress, joys, sadness, highs and lows to a permanent medium I see the stepping stones of my journey, like setting cat’s-eyes in a new road; they beam the way ahead as well as showing the road travelled. All that I have written, including the silent times where nothing has been written, reflect where I have been, where I am now and where I am going. All of it needs to be in the mix to be real.

Today was an important day, and one that has thrown me back into the blogosphere as I needed to document this. I fully expect to be writing here more often from here-on-in. Important because today I faced an issue that I’ve been avoiding for some time, and that is one of trust. I have shied away from words like ‘faith’ and ‘trust’ because to me they had too many echoes associated with my Christian past. But today, this was challenged.

I was standing atop Glastonbury Tor, one of the most important places in my life, and was seeking to connect with Owl, one of my power animals. To my surprise, a Swan appeared to me, and to my even greater surprise, I realised that I was being invited to climb onto the back of this bird, and the fear this engendered was tangible. To do this means to place my safety and security into the hands of another, and life has taught me that I need to be in control of me, I need to be strong, I need to be the one who decides what happens and where . . . but this was a call to faith. A call to trust. Those words that scare me the most. In an attempt to dismiss this visualisation my head began to tell me that this nothing more than a Walt Disney fantasy, but the clear impression remained, I knew this was real and I knew this was a test. I needed to take the step . . . this was a call to embrace faith and trust but in a way in which those words were not loaded with historical context.

So I stepped onto the back of this bird and experienced the immediate protection of those powerful wings. I was safe. The immense power of this bird was not lost on me, I could feel it, and I also understood and felt its fierce protection, in this respect a reflection of Sulis, my patron Goddess.

So now I know I am being taken into new things. I don’t know the destination, but I know I have accepted an invitation to travel deeper into the Mysteries, and this is the desire of my heart.

Body and Soul

2009-05-19T22:19:00.000+01:00

The reality of Rootedness that I spoke of in my previous body is not some static thing but rather something that is dynamic and vital. It’s not something that imprisons or keeps one anchored in some kind of stationary or sedentary way, but rather it is an ecstatic , spiritual reality that provides a dynamic connection to a source of spiritual power. From the womb of the Mother life is conceived following transformation and this is birthed anew within. All is change and change is constant, the evolution of the soul. The fire from the core of Earth pulsates within whilst my Spirit cries to the starry heavens. And here is a tension that I have struggled to reconcile for some time, a mystery that I have not fully understood: the relationship between body and soul. If you think I am going to explain that mystery in this post, then I am going to have to disappoint! This journal is simply a journal of markers, signposts within the fog of my own spiritual journey, I don’t claim to have any answers of any great significance. All I do here is record the steps that I take, as well as my frustrations of how slow those steps are all too often.

More than once, in a variety of ways, I have questioned the relationship of body and soul. I’ve been criticised in some pagan circles over the years for what some have called being ‘too serious’ or of blurring the line between the celebration of the body and spiritual experience, but I think some of the criticisms miss the point. In understanding the relationship between body and soul one starts to understand who one truly is. Am I my body? Am I not my body? I know that I am of this body, but I am also aware that I transcend this body. There is a dynamic relationship here that I still don’t fully understand. I am of the dust of the Earth, and my body will return to this Earth, but I also know, with increasing conviction, that housed within this body is something far greater. What has bothered some of my pagan friends, over the years, is that when I start to speak in this manner is they misunderstand my comments and interpret them as Christian-esque. Trust me, with my evangelical Christian past, this has bothered me too, but nothing could be further from the truth. What I am beginning to see is that the soul within me, far from being some kind of separate entity seeking salvation in order to return to God is in fact the spark of Divinity itself, not separate from, but part of, an ever evolving expression of the Divine Mind, part of The All, my own Divinity. In many ways I know not of what I speak, yet I sense this and as I sense it I feel such a resonance within that I can’t begin to explain, which probably isn’t any help to anyone!

This can’t be some kind of intellectual exercise, it has to be something of an experience, and whilst theory is important, at the end of the day what really counts is ones own spiritual experience. Increasingly what I am seeing is as one lives dependant upon the body one is dragged into a kind of spiritual treacle that is almost impossible to move within. The body is the vehicle, but it is not the all in all. The body is important, and it is to be celebrated, but it is not the end in itself. It has a purpose, but it is not the purpose itself. Attachment to the body does not allow for spiritual evolution because such an attachment leads to a dependence upon that which is seen, whereas, weird as it sounds, the reality it actually that which is unseen. And the unseen is not some kind of airy-fairy made up candy floss fluffy superficial thing, it is pure spiritual reality and part of spiritual growth is learning to cross the bridge from this level of consciousness to that which transcends dependence upon the body, it’s senses, it’s delusions and its limitations. Yes, these are all words that I’ve read before, but slowly they seem to be falling into place at a new level, at a new depth and in a new way.

But this raises anxiety as well as excitement because I know, only too well, how I cling to this body, even though this body fails me at every turn. The frailty of my body is evident, in recent months it has failed me further, requiring to be (surgically) patched up, once again, until it fails, again, and yet still I cling to it because to do otherwise causes fear to rise within me. The existence of this fear tells me that I have further to walk across the bridge and that whilst my picture of what lies beyond the bridge is getting clearer, I’ve still yet to fully cross the threshold that separates the levels of consciousness of which I speak. And the more I cling to this body the more I will suffer because that is all this vehicle can do, ultimately. My attention needs to shift from the seen to the unseen, from the delusion of the seen to the reality of the unseen.

From my humanity to my Divinity.

Rootedness

2009-05-14T22:15:00.000+01:00

I, like you and many others I am sure, have been to countless ceremonies where one has been encouraged to visualise ones roots descending deep into the earth from the soles of ones feet. I’ve been taken through this so many times it’s almost become hackneyed, but in recent days this is something that has started to take on a greater and more powerful meaning for me. It’s starting to become real. I say starting as I feel that I am taking further steps into a deeper and more profound experience of what it means to truly be of the Earth, yet also of the celestial heavens.

We do not have to ‘get back’ to Nature because we ARE Nature! This truth is something I constantly have to remind myself of when the pressures of living in this incarnation seems to cause me to take my eye off the ball and I feel that I have lost that sense of connection. I haven’t lost it at all – the roots of Nature People are not suddenly cut off when other things rush in an attempt to seize our consciousness, any more than walking would snap them off. They are always there, travelling deep into the very heart of the Earth. And the fire that is found at the Earths core also travels through our veins. Nature, the wonder and the mystery of life, death and rebirth, this Earth, the Great Mother, is part of us and in us as we are in Her and of Her. We are from the dust of the Earth and we are touched by the hand of the One Divine Life just as all Nature is the Divine made manifest.

There is an art to being able to step back and shift ones consciousness, even whilst engaged in what seems to be the most stressful aspects of ones working life, and re-entering that area of consciousness that allows us not to reconnect, but to once again become aware of the reality of that continual connection; our rootedness. It is a constant, we just need to move into the awareness of that fact. I don’t claim to have mastered this, I don’t claim to be any kind of expert, I am just beginning to discover, however, that this is a truth that I can fully enter into. Our roots travel deep and wide into the heart of the Earth, just like a tree. We are not some flimsy seedling, we are as the most mighty of trees with roots the depth and strength of which cannot be overestimated. We are HUGE!

Yet at the same time we are filled with light from the One Divine Life, filled with the light from the One where Being comes from Unbeing. Our Higher Self can radiate from our physical eyes. From the void the One Divine Life flows into our Kingdom, this earthly, physical existence and brings life and I am filled with Divine Light. A child of Nature in my physical existence, a Son of the Gods in Spirit. My soul sings to the One Divine Life for I am of Them, yet my body celebrates and glories in being a Child of Nature. This is not a situation of conflict, but a wondrous union, a sacred mystery, a magical celebration. This is something of power. And as all Creation flows from Unbeing so I can bring into reality that which resonates with the Divine Will, for as above so below.

This is the true wonder of Oneness, of interconnectedness, and it comes from moving out of Ego into the reality of our Divine Relationship. Leaving attachment and moving into our God-Self. This is a process, an evolution, and I am a Learner in every sense of the word, yet I sense the reality of this and my intention is to move ever deeper into the truth of who I am.

My roots travel deep into the Earth, yet I am filled with Inner Light that flows from the One Divine Life and I am of and in that One Divine Life and both aspects resonate with the mystery of creation.

Blissfully Unaware

2009-05-11T22:29:00.000+01:00

A number of people I have spoken with recently have told me that they choose not to read newspapers, read news sites on the internet, watch TV news or listen to radio news as they prefer (and I use the term they used) to remain ‘blissfully unaware’. What bothered me even more was the fact that they shared this information with me with a kind of piety, as if, by being in this blissfully unaware state, they were somehow enjoying some kind of deeper, more fulfilling kind of spirituality than I could achieve, as I chose to remain up to date with current affairs. I came away from all these interactions both confused and concerned. I’ve been mulling this over now for a couple of days.

I am bothered by these comments on a number of levels, not least because if one is blissful because one chooses to bury ones head in some kind of pseudo-spiritual sand, then one should expect to have ones head cut off! This kind of attitude causes me to picture people rearranging deckchairs on an ethereal Titanic. I was also reminded of the rabbits in Richard Adams ‘Watership Down’ who thought they had a wonderful life, unaware that they were captive and being bred for the pot. I just can’t see that this is what we are called to as magical beings. We’re here to affect change, not to live in some kind of self imposed ivory tower refusing to acknowledge that change, or evolution, is required. We are the people who can affect change!

I’ve not read Dion Fortune’s ‘Magical Battle Of Britain’ but the little I have read about it leads me to believe that during one of Britain’s darkest moments she encouraged people to come together in a series of meditations with the sole aim of not just protecting the UK, but the world, from a terrible fate. Far from burying her head in the proverbial sand, she sought to lead and train people in using their spiritual and magical energy in such a way as to bring real light into the world during a time of terrible darkness. Here was a demonstration of the immense power we hold as people of spirit and how we can affect very real change when we come together with focused intent. If we are truly magical beings, then change will be a constant, both within, and without.

This has bothered me because of where Europe finds itself at the moment. In a few weeks we have the European election. In my own country, the UK, this generates very little interest, and voting apathy in this regard is well known. This bothers me because it is at times of economic recession, as well as times when people lose fath in the political and democratic process, that people turn to the more extreme political parties for answers, usually because they offer scapegoats for all the worlds ills, scapegoats that some people are willing to accept with the consequence of many minority groups suffering as a result. It is already becoming apparent within the UK that some extreme right wing parties are spending more on this European election than they have in all the others put together because they sense their opportunity to gain their first seats in the European Parliament.

Far from being blissfully unaware, people of spirit need to seeking the Divine Mind and working magically to bring about positive change. At times such as these our spiritual path cannot be something that brings gain just for the individual practitioner, but needs to be something that spills and reverberates out from this and brings positive change for all. I have a very powerful and genuine sense for the need for our spiritual practice to be used in part to send out protective energy to guard and protect our nations at what is a very vulnerable time.

This isn’t a party political post, but it is my attempt to call us all to action, whether this be in a magical sense, or in the sense of causing any European readers not to rest on your laurels, but to firstly use your vote, and to use it responsibly.

Whilst we are not in the situation Dion found herself in, let’s follow her lead, and look outward at such a time as this, as well as within.

The Apprentice

2009-05-03T16:14:00.002+01:00

I hate the BBC TV programme The Apprentice. There – I’ve said it and I feel quite alone is saying so! I feel alone as it’s one of the UK’s most popular TV programmes, gaining plaudits, awards and millions of viewers and it is peddled as very much the programme to watch – but I really don’t like it. I actually find it disturbing and worrying. I’d go as far as to say that it actually offends me.

The Apprentice is one of the ever increasing number of reality television shows to hit our screens. In this programme people are set tasks by Sir Alan Sugar to test various aspects of their business acumen. Each week, the candidates are divided into two teams and Sir Alan briefs them on the new task. The team appoints a project manager and this person is responsible for leading the task. After each show, the candidate who has impressed Sir Alan the least is ‘fired’ and usually in rather humiliating fashion. The goal for each candidate is to make it through all the various tasks in order to win a six figure salary as Sir Alan’s Apprentice.

Why don’t I like the programme? Because it has the affect of bringing to the surface all the aspects of the human personality that I really struggle with. Those aspects that I feel that as spiritual beings we should be moving away from. The candidates all appear to be prepared to sell their own Grandmothers if this would secure victory. Everything within the programme plays to their own ego and their inflated opinions of themselves. When they feel they’re in trouble; that is, when they feel they are in danger of being fired, the venom that spews from their mouths and the pure hatred that is sometimes evident in their body language in order to denigrate the others is nothing short of scary. Perhaps it reminds me too much of the office politics that all too often surrounds my working day.

Yet, I watch it each week. I think I watch it to convince myself that what I don’t like about it is really what I don’t like about it! Perhaps I want to see it improve; perhaps I want to see someone actually look out for someone else. Perhaps I want to see someone demonstrate a degree of understanding of another person, perhaps I want to see someone demonstrate empathy, put someone else first, recognise another for who and what they are as opposed to seeing each and every other candidate as nothing other than a back to stab and a carcass to climb over in order to get what it is they want for themselves. They feign teamwork, but in the end the single motive is about self. In other words, there is no authenticity, no transparency, everything is false.

I guess the reason I struggle is because everything about this programme challenges my own values. Some people have labelled me as naïve because of the values I hold, but I refuse to believe that other people exist merely as a means to my own gain. It is fellowship that is important, not what someone else can do for me to make me look or feel better. We should be celebrating each other, not denigrating each other.

The Apprentice appears to further popularise the misconception that we should use force to obtain our goals, that the means justify the end result. Conflict, it would appear, is fine as it brings about selfish ends, whereas what is truly important is purification, a stripping away of all the former, in order to bring about a deeper and fuller manifestation of ones Higher Self and therefore selflessness. It’s about a laying down, which, ironically, once we fully move into this arena, brings far more worth and value than one could have ever initially realised.

Domination is a theme that runs through The Apprentice, and of course this programme simply reflects where we are as a society. It’s all about survival, it’s all about profit and gain, whereas the magickal being is called to lay down and surrender, not control and dominate. Magickal power is birthed in sacrifice.

This is what Dion Fortune refers to as the death of the personality and increasingly I am beginning to understand what it is she actually means. I don’t pretend to have arrived at this point but I see more clearly than ever just what it is that is required of me in this moment in time.

Where it will lead . . . well, that has to be another story!

Quite A Journey

2009-04-30T22:09:00.001+01:00

Yet again it seems as though I have disappeared off the face of the earth! It's been ages since I have posted here, but that is simply because I've not been able to see to make any posts! Whilst I tried writing in large fonts in a Word document, and then copying the article to my blog, I found that even this caused me eye strain as I was not able to see the keyboard properly.

Thankfully I feel that I am now through the worst. I have new glasses and these appear to have corrected my problem with close vision. The lens that has been inserted into my eye that works has corrected my long and middle vision. My eye pressure that was way too high now appears to be within normal limits once again, indicating that it probably was a reaction to the steroid drops that were prescribed.

It's been a real journey and I will confess to having travelled to some pretty dark places during this time. I don't have the time or the energy to post about them now, but I am sure that they will inform posts I make in the future. I have been forced to face a number of shadows in my closet and I feel that I have come out of this particular journey changed. It really feels as though I have been back in that cauldron of transformation - once again!

How have these events changed me? I feel more in control of myself and feel less prone to allowing others to take over the steering wheel of my life. I feel my priorities are clearer and I feel that I have a greater strength in articulating and asserting these priorities. I feel stronger in myself and I feel I know myself better. I feel I have a better grasp on what is important and, actually, I feel as though I have less ability to suffer fools! By that I mean those who get so wound up about things that actually don't really matter! I feel like a wise old fool, and the contradiction there is important!

My recent situation whilst not life threatening has been life changing. I've felt the fear and threat of that in a very real way. However, whilst midway though this journey my best friend in all the world was diagnosed with breast cancer. This was so weird, in 24 hours my dear friend went from being well and happy to being told she had an aggressive cancerous tumour and needed major surgery. It's been like blows have been coming from all sides and I really don't know why or what all of this has been about. As you can imagine, as well as my own stuff, my dear friend's journey has also been occupying my mind and taking my energy, as this is where it has been most needed. I'm so pleased to be able to say that recent tests have revealed that there has been no spread to the cancer my friend has experienced and she is now awaiting details of all the follow up care she will need. Please keep her in your thoughts, prayers and spiritual practice.

And here I am at Beltane, a time where I long to dance with the Goddess and God and feel the real power of their love coursing through my veins, providing renewed energy to every aspect and sphere of my being. I feel in need of this in a very real way. I feel quite drained, spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I look for a time of renewal this Beltane.

The Question of Suffering

2009-04-03T21:52:00.002+01:00

I still have to type in font 28 and then copy and paste this into my blog – and I can’t focus on this that clearly, either! I am so sorry that this means I am currently unable to read and comment on your blogs – please don’t think me rude! Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful comments.

I have been experiencing many emotions during what I have been referring to, both ironically and humorously, as my ‘time of confinement’. However, whilst said in jest, there is also some truth in there; as ever, ‘many a true word spoken in jest’. It is true, I do feel incredibly frustrated, and I do feel confined. There is so much that I am currently unable to do and as such my frustration with self, as well as my situation, grows and as these emotions grow so does resentment. I resent the fact that this situation has been foisted upon me. (False) guilt then comes along as my situation is not life threatening and will pass in a few weeks, so who am I to be feeling these things anyway?!?

But there is learning in all this. I am now wondering where my responsibility lies in this situation. How and why did this happen? Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way whatsoever thinking ‘why me’ in some kind of melodramatic ‘poor little me’ way, but what I am wondering is; have I somehow allowed a chink in my spiritual armour or a leak in my aura to develop and grow that has allowed this to happen, and if so, what can I do about this? Is there a lesson for me to learn in all this, or should the only lesson that suffering can ever teach be how not to suffer any more? Or, as I am spirit housed in this physical vehicle for a period of time in this incarnation, is suffering of the physical vehicle inevitable as it is fragile and weak and prone to fail – or is this something one can rise above?

As you can imagine, these questions are doing my head in! However, these are questions I am pursuing as I have never been given an answer to the thorny issue of suffering that I have found satisfactory from the pagan/magickal perspective.

In my long and distant Christian past suffering was also referred to as one of the consequences of humanities fall from grace – it was a consequence of sin. I was actually told that when I lost the sight in my left eye that I “clearly had sin in my life and that I couldn’t expect God to heal until the sin was dealt with and removed.” You can, I am sure, imagine how such a comment affected a 23 year old coming to terms with such a loss at such a tender age. This only added to my sense of guilt at being gay, as it felt that it had to be this fact that was preventing God from healing me. Whilst I moved in these Christian circles I saw many, many people in the most desperate and even life threatening situations come forward for healing, and leave as sick as they arrived, but with condemnation, guilt and rejection added to their issues and problems because, as it would have seemed to them, God chose not to respond to the cry of their heart. In my own personal experience I went through a period of profound depression as it seemed to me that the God who at the time I believed to be the creator of the Universe, who I thought I had a personal relationship with, had chosen to reject me. Being rejected by the creator of the universe takes some getting over!

Clearly, this was not the case and obviously I have moved on from something that happened 23 years ago – but you get my point. Christianity offers an answer to the question of suffering, unsatisfactory as it may be.

Buddhism teaches that all is suffering, that existence itself is suffering and that this is caused by desire and attachment. The Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eight-Fold Path deal with this, I over simplify, I accept this, however, what I am simply attempting to show is that Buddhism places suffering at the very heart of its teaching.

So, as a Magickal Being, how do I respond to the very real issue of suffering? As I deepen my relationship with Source so I enable the Divine to operate more actively and positively in my life. This isn’t about sin at all, rather it is about exploring the inner planes more fully and deeply and experiencing the manifestation of the Divine within me at ever increasing levels of reality. As my Higher Self manifests, can there be room for suffering?

Clearly there can. Leading occultists whom I have the deepest and most sincere respect for have died through contracting serious disease. Is this a reflection upon their spiritual development? I think not! To think otherwise is to imply judgement, and I don’t see how that is appropriate or necessary.

So what is the answer? Why is suffering so evident? How is it possible to have ones Higher Self manifest and then contract disease that threatens ones physical existence? Women and men of spirit, down through the ages, have cried out to their Gods with this question and it would seem there are as many answers as there are people asking the question. I don’t think I have an answer at the moment and I really would value the thoughts, ideas, and feelings of those further along the path than myself.

I wonder whether it really is a simple case of the divine spark within each of us being capable of a process of evolution through meditation, ritual, pathworking and encounter with Source, whilst the human vehicle is frail and susceptible to aging, pain and suffering and death as experienced by all things on this plane of existence, Suffering, it would seem, as Buddhists discovered long ago, is at the centre of everything and is maintained by our buying into dependence upon that which we experience through the limited human senses. The answer lies, it would seem, in the evolution of our soul, and our commitment and dedication to this process.

Reflections

2009-03-29T15:24:00.000+01:00

Firstly, I genuinely want to thank each and every one of you who has sent messages of support in recent weeks, either here on my blog, via Facebook or directly in email. The encouragement and hope that I have experienced through your support and kindness has been immeasurable and my thanks and gratitude are heartfelt. You have shown, in your kind words, the truth that within each of us there is that Divine Spark and that through this we are all truly connected. When one hurts, we know and we respond by way of reaching out in love. This is not some fluffy sentimental thing, but a powerful demonstration of the love that flows from the One Divine Life. You have shown that to me in some measure, and for that I thank you.

I’m sat here at my PC writing this post in Word in font 26 and then I’ll copy and paste it into my blog – I just hope that works! I actually can’t even see this font size with any clarity as yet, so I hope that what I am typing actually makes some kind of sense! I am sorry, but as yet I am not in a physical position where I can read or respond to your blogs. I think it will be the end of April before I am able to do so. Please don’t think I’m ignoring you, I’m just not able to physically read at the moment.

Not being able to read or write following my eye surgery has been something of a frustration to say the least, this severe limitation upon my day to day living has thrown me upon others in a way that has deeply challenged my need for independence. My partner could not have been any more supportive, he’s been loving and wonderful, but whilst this has been a joy for me, it has also been something of a challenge. Allowing someone to do something for you, however basic that thing may be, starts from believing that you are worthy of ‘doing for’, if that makes any sense. And herein lies one of the lessons that I’ve been learning in recent weeks – an age old lesson that keeps coming back to me in various ways and in various degrees; one of truly believing my own self worth. Accepting and embracing my intrinsic value, believing that I am worthy of love, love from others, and love from the Divine. It’s a lesson that I thought I had learned many years ago, but I’ve seen that it’s actually one that we go on learning through our experience of this incarnation, and as we go on learning it so it travels deeper into our conscious and deeper in our soul, taking our soul ever forward on its evolutionary journey.

I am loved. Say it. Say it out loud. Look at your reflection in a mirror and say it out loud. Do you believe it? I have come to see, yet again, that I am indeed loved and held in the palm of the hand of the Divine. I am learning to trust that love and to move in the power of that love, to allow that vibrant energy to truly course through my veins and to move in the truth of what it means. Being catapulted into this however momentary experience of dependence has shown me, by way of the sudden and abrupt removal of many of my everyday supports and crutches that I can trust myself to the One Divine Life and that this One Divine Life truly manifests within me and surrounds me.

This realisation has come by way of struggle, resistance and fight! There were indeed things – thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behaviour patterns, call them what you will, that were holding me in a position of restriction, holding me back from my own spiritual growth and development and through having so much that I take for granted on a day by day basis removed, I was forced to look at things anew, and to allow a greater work to take place within me. I am in a far more secure place in terms of my relationship with the Divine as a result of truly waking up to the fact that the greatest limitations and restrictions I place upon myself exist in my own mind and heart. These can present as old concepts, ideas and practices that when unchallenged keep us in some kind of false place. I am starting to challenge many of these things. I can connect with all the powers within the universe, indeed, all the powers of the universe exist within me, so there are no limitations, there are no restrictions. I am now on a journey of truly moving into the realisation of this truth. It will be a lifetimes journey, I am sure, one of continual revelation, realisation and experience, a continual unfolding of truth and deeper truth, and one that will take me to many new places, much of which I will share here over time.

So this period of time has been one of a profound growing experience. It is one that has seen me travel to a very dark and depressed place, but one that has seen me rise up from there renewed, refreshed, challenged, and eager to move on spiritually in a very real and meaningful way.

I seek to grow and develop as a man of Spirit and as a man of Magick. I seek to deepen my connection with the One Divine Life by following the path that is right for me and through this commitment to deepen and intensify my relationship with the Divine. To know even as I am fully known. The Western Mystery Tradition continues to open up before me as the right path to follow, but I can’t claim to fully understand or appreciate all that this means at this moment in time. All I can do is respond to the call of the One Divine Life and place my feet one step in front the other as I move forward into a new place and a new experience.

May all beings be happy!
May all beings be joyful!
May all beings be in peace!

Thank You

2009-03-15T12:06:00.001Z

I would like to thank everyone for their Get Well messages, but I can't reply personally because I have no near vision at the moment! Thanks for your wonderful support. xx

Hospital

2009-03-04T21:55:00.000Z

I've been away from my blog for a little while as I am having some health problems. Regular readers here will know that I have no sight in my left eye, and this has been the case for 23 years. I am now experiencing problems with my right eye,and this is making viewing the computer monitor very difficult. The treatment for my current problem is cataract surgery, which is a fairly low risk operation. Whilst the risks are low, in my position any damage to my right eye is obviously very serious indeed. I have to confess to being apprehensive. I would appreciate your thoughts, prayers, rituals, magick and candle lighting. My operation is on Monday 9 March, 1200 GMT. Please think of me. I will get back to this blog as soon as I am able to see!

Somerset Starlings

2009-02-17T22:10:00.004Z

Although I didn't take this picture (you can find it and others here on the BBC web site) this is the amazing experience I encountered on my way home from work this evening. As I was leaving Glastonbury, the Tor behind me, the skies above me simply filled with what must have been millions of Starlings - and I don't exaggerate! The sky was black with them as the swooped and soared through the evening sky. It was beautiful, incredible, spectacular and awe inspiring. I've experienced this before, but only with the birds in the distance, this time they were directly above me and I almost drove the car off the road as I just had to bend my neck and keep watching them. I just wanted to fly up there and join in with them!

Apparently up to 10 million Starlings can be roosting at Westhay, Glastonbury this time of year, before they head off to eastern Europe. When I saw them this evening, just before dusk, they would have been heading back to the marshlands to roost.

What a blessing it was to witness this incredible sight this evening!

A Confused Ramble

2009-02-16T22:21:00.000Z

I know I've written about this before, but I am constantly aware of how attached I am to this physical world. It's all I've known for the past 46 years and as I touch and feel and smell and see and hear all that is about me it's reality and substance are undeniable, but then, as I buy into that seeming truth I become aware of my own bodies mortality. This body is temporal, transient, passing through this reality, this dimension, this plane. A vehicle, a tent, housing my immortal spirit, a spiritual evolution.

Lately I have been wondering where the three strands of my path: (1) pagan, (2) spiritual mystic and (3) magick, dovetail, and sometimes I wonder if they come together at all! However, in my heart, I know they do. To me the 3 make sense and work together very well, but at other times, as in my opening paragraph, there appears to be conflict, and it is this conflict that I am trying to resolve at the moment.

My pagan self tells me this world is to be honoured and respected, celebrated and enjoyed, for it is the Divine manifest. My body is also to be enjoyed and my senses are the tools I have to understand, explore and enjoy this world. My spiritual mystic self tells me that this is a one dimensional experience and I can travel beyond this plane, both in my mind and in my spirit, to higher and greater realms and that to buy solely into this plane is to limit and hinder myself and will result in my not fulfilling all that I am capable of. My magickal self tells me that I can steer the chariot, that in finding my own true will and in living my life in accordance with the One Divine Mind I am capable of more than I can appreciate because I am more than flesh and blood. I am one with The All, part of the mystery. Here is conflict, but also here is unity and somewhere here is balance, and it is this balance that I am currently seeking within what feels like a patch of confusion at the moment.

I'm growing out of something and growing into something else and I don't quite get it at the moment. I'm shedding a skin, moving on, taking the next step, and me being me I need a framework to hang all of this upon, a philosophy, something upon which I can build, but at the moment I feel more like I'm walking into a new area that is unknown to me, unfamiliar, and I feel a little more spiritually unsure, less confident. Not questioning, as I know I'm where I need to be . . . I guess I'm just a little more unsure of where it is I actually am!

Right now I'm more aware of what I don't know than what I do. I'm not entirely sure I like that feeling, but here, once again, is a call for me to relinquish control and, not go with the flow as such, because as it was once put to me 'only dead fish go with the flow', but rather to understand just where I am and to slowly steer the ship through this part of the journey until the next destination becomes a little clearer for me.

I guess I'm also wanting to be sure that I do indeed have it right, so there's some introspection and a testing of myself going on as well. Never a bad thing, but not always a comfortable place to be!

The Lesson of the Mole

2009-02-15T16:29:00.005Z

I can't believe that it's been a week since I posted here, but sure enough, it is indeed a week since I've updated this blog. I'm not happy about that, but it's simply a sign of the times. Last week was a tough week work-wise, seeing me starting early and finishing late most days, and even with the additional hours put in, there is still a pile of work waiting to be done, with more being added all the time.

So today, I took myself out for a quiet pilgrimage to two of my most favourite places - Glastonbury Tor and Chalice Well. Regular readers of this blog will know that I visit these places often; living so close is a blessing of which I never become complacent. For me, today was about pursuing the movement that I spoke about in my blog of last week, testing it out, seeing what it means, where I need to place my feet. I didn't expect revelations, what I was looking for was some kind of inner knowledge of what needs to happen next to make this movement possible.

Movement and change surround me. Work-wise there is structural change taking place once again, with a plan of massive service change that will be take place in about 18months to 2 years, which will, of necessity, result in further structural change. Within 24 hours of hanging the picture I show in my post of last week I was confronted with the need to make an important work related decision, one that has the potential to affect my future in a number of ways.

Driving to Glastonbury this morning I was pleased to be alone. My work is all about people, be them staff or service users, and as such voices surround me all the time. Much as I enjoy working with people, today was very much about much needed time for me, away from noise, chatter, and clutter. I was making sacred space. As I turned a corner and the Tor, shrouded by mist with the tower just visible, came into view, the first of a number of experiences occurred - I cried! I wasn't expecting that and I can't say that I was feeling particularly sad, but clearly there was emotion there that needed expression and tears flowed freely as I smiled at the familiar and beautiful Somerset Levels, with the Tor standing tall and majestic. The energy from this sacred site was such that it drew emotion from me, releasing pent up feelings of frustration and confusion, cleansing and throwing out useless emotional clutter that wasn't serving me and that was hindering renewal. This was a deeper work of space clearing.

Climbing the Tor was harder work, physically, than normal. I don’t know why, perhaps it had something to do with the vegan chocolate cake I made yesterday in which I omitted to put enough baking soda! (note to self: read recipes thoroughly)!

As I reached the top of the Tor I walked to my favourite spot, stood, closed my eyes and became aware of my inner immortal spirit. I focused upon my true reality, the fact that I am spirit incarnated in flesh. I called to Source and saw my spirit intertwined with Source, like a huge silver cord travelling to the very heavens, bound together, wrapped up in one another, inseparable, and connected, one and the same. I’ve never seen this picture quite like this before, but it was clear, the cord was huge, massive, and it twisted and turned its way from the very core of me to the very highest heavens. I was aware of voices and movement of people around me, but nothing could break the power of this moment. This was a reminder of the strength, the power, and the unbreakable nature of my connection with Source.

Freedom was also a theme of my quiet meditation. In my minds eye I saw a huge bird flying toward me, expecting this to be an owl, my usual magickal bird, I was surprised to notice that it was, in fact, a Peregrine Falcon, swooping at great speed, revelling in the freedom of the wide open space that it enjoyed. I was conscious of my spirit longing for this same sense of freedom and aware that my own physical tent, this body that houses my immortal spirit can feel like something of a trap at times.

My consciousness was then taken to the little mole hills that were appearing around the Tor and here was the final lesson of today. These little hills of fresh soil were testimony of a huge amount of work going on, underground. Little, insignificant piles of soil concealing an industry of energy and effort taking place below by such a small creature. Here was the lesson in my stepping toward this need for movement – preparation. So much of our pagan world can be lost is show. The best robes, being seen in the right places, knowing the right people, the outer show, yet what is vital is the work that is happening within, and sometimes the outer evidence of this may be a simple little hill of soil, but underneath the personality is being prepared for that on-going process of initiation, whereby huge and significant changes are taking place, all in preparation for a new and dynamic phase of being. Encounters with Spirit, with Source, have to affect change, if they are real and genuine, and true freedom, true liberation, and true initiation are result.

The snow of recent weeks has had the effect of bringing the nation to a standstill, and we could be forgiven for thinking that in the face of Nature, we are powerless. Indeed, this was my first thought, but again today I have seen that this is not the case, because we are as much part of Nature as the snow itself, and that when the human mind, in true connection with its inner self, connects with the Divine Mind and picks up the message from the Divine Mind, we can bring anything into being. It may take some considerable time, but we are not powerless, we are more powerful that we may care to realise. Just like the little Mole, who builds tunnels and makes an incredible world beneath the soil, so we, when we connect with the Divine Will, can also bring into being things that are truly amazing.

So, as I walk towards this next phase of being, my call is to prepare, to put in the spadework, to strengthen and deepen my connection with Source and to step into my true calling.

The other things that are bothering me at the moment will then fall into place and become clear. I just need to shift my attention to that which is truly important.

Transitions

2009-02-08T17:26:00.004Z

I'm just coming to the end of what has been a week of annual leave, it's been lovely! I had lots of plans, including sorting the allotment out among other things, but the snow arrived, in droves, and put pay to all my plans! That was a good thing really, as I had to adapt and change in light of the new circumstances and it actually forced me to rest and relax - which was probably something I needed above all else. I have so many lessons to learn about 'chilling' and 'being' and just letting go and trusting. This week I had a lesson in this first hand!

One thing I did this week was to treat myself to a framed photograph that I've been eyeing up for quite some time. It's been on display in the window of Dicketts (the stationers in Glastonbury High Street) for weeks, and I've never been able to simply walk by it, I've always been forced to stop, stare and journey with all the photograph conveys and contains. Photographs of pictures or photos never really work that well, but here it is, I hope this helps, in part, to explain why I love it so:

For me this photograph is all about change, about transition. It talks to me of moving from one phase of life to another. Perhaps from this physical plane to the heavenly realm through the death of this physical body. Perhaps the transition of initiation, with all the profound changes this brings, or perhaps through moving through another rite of passage. It's a photograph that for me captures wonder, excitement, joy and promise and it exudes trust; placing ones trust in Deity, in the Unseen. Behind is black and white, a one dimensional existence, ahead is the colour of wonder. It also calls for action, for the initiate to actually step forward, to step out in trust, to act according to ones firm belief. To me this picture is totally awe inspiring because it contains all this, and then some!

I guess this speaks powerfully to me because this is where I feel I stand at the moment. I am convinced that in some way, shape or form the calendar year of 2009 will be demanding a step of some kind from me. I don't know at this stage exactly what form this step may take, but it will be a step of transition, a step that requires me to move from one place to another, the opening of a new phase in my life, a new phase of growth, of development, of existence. This may relate to my working life or my spiritual life, I don't know, perhaps both, but movement definitely feels as like a theme for this year, whatever the nature of that change may be. Somehow I will be travelling into a new place, moving way from what may transpire to have been rather one dimensional into a multi dimensional and multi faceted experience.

My meditations and rituals for the early part of this year will, I am sure, focus around a kind of preparation for me, building upon the preparatory work that has gone before, and that has been recorded in this blog.

As well as this picture there is a place in Glastonbury that also has this kind of impact upon me. It's the area of the two great Yew trees at Chalice Well, captured perfectly and beautifully in this photograph, not taken by me, but by Morgana, of the Glastonbury Pilgrim Centre:

As I stand in this space in the gardens I am again powerfully reminded of my calling to 'stand between' as though I hold the tension between life and death, light and dark, heaven and earth. I don't know how that sounds to you, and I can see how it may sound pompous, but it really is a real and dramatic sensation and, just as I found it impossible to walk past the photograph, so I find it impossible to walk past the two great Yew trees. I've been fortunate enough to conduct ritual in this part of Chalice Well, working with this powerful energy. I consider that a great privilege.

The immediate challenge for me is to move forward in this revelation, using the energy I describe, deepening my relationship with Deity and stepping into this new phase, this next part of my calling. What I can't afford to do is simply tread water . . . this is a time of movement and change, that much is perfectly clear!

Twenty Five Things About Me.

2009-02-06T15:17:00.004Z

I have a page on a social networking site, as I find this a good way of keeping in touch with friends who are 'far flung.' Recently I've been 'tagged' to write 25 things about me that others might now know. Whilst I don't like the 'tagging' aspect, and am not doing this here, I thought I would post my '25 Things' here, as they will provide an insight into me as a person, and sharing me with you is all part of my spiritual journey. So here goes!

1. I was engaged once! Yes! That might surprise some people who have always known me as gay ‘out and proud’ Andy, but I was engaged to a woman and 3 months from the wedding day I realised what a terrible mistake this would have been, for her as well as for me! It was all part of me giving into intense pressure from the Christian community I once lived within to conform to their vision of what was ‘right’ and ‘normal’ for me, as opposed to me taking time to listen to myself and discover who I actually was. I learned a great deal from this experience, but I do feel bad for the woman I was engaged too, as I didn’t handle it very well at all at the time.

2. I went to Bible College. And this was no ordinary Bible College! This was a place where Christian leaders felt they had an absolute right as ‘Shepherds’ to access the very core of your life and literally control your life. I saw people move house, sell property and hand it over to the leaders, as well as marry, when they were told to do so. This was a place of absolute control, little short of a cult, and as you can imagine, I saw many people break under this pressure. I have to say that I consider this phase in my life as one of the most destructive I have experienced and following my time at this place I wasn’t well. Again, I’ve learned many life lessons from this and am a stronger person as a result. The experience was enough to send me into a ten year agnostic phase, but perhaps this was necessary in order for my new path to open before me. This Bible College was a clone making factory, nothing to do with people finding their One True Self at all.

3. My spiritual life is the central core of me and everything else revolves around this and exists because of this. I consider myself a Magickal Being, my eternal soul inhabits this physical body for this incarnation and I am learning that I am able to commune with my ancestors, my Gods and All Nature as I stand as one with The All. Magick is about changing consciousness through will, and this is becoming more of a reality in my life.

4. I have no sight in my left eye. I lost the sight in my left eye when was 23 following a detached retina. This happened as a result of myopia. So, if I walk past you in the street, it’s not me being pompous and rude, I’ve simply not seen you!

5. I want to write a book! My story, one of coming from a strict evangelical background, the Bible College, being gay, finding my own true path, losing the sight in my eye, I think all these things combine to make a powerful story that people could take inspiration from. I just need to get on and do it!

6. I am proud to be gay! I don’t lecture people about it, being gay is an aspect of me, it’s not all of me, but neither is it something that I apologise for. I am who I am and more than this, I have every right to be who I am. My sexuality is not a second class sexuality, I am a unique individual, beloved of the God’s. Gay people do not seek better or more rights than others, we simply look for a level playing field where all people in this world share an equal opportunity at life chances. This world is still rife with inequality of all kinds, and this both angers and drives me.

7. I do not eat meat or dairy products. This is because I refuse to take the life of another sentient being and I am appalled at the way humanity ‘farms’ animals. We bring suffering and pain upon our fellow creatures based upon some kind of superior standpoint, in the way we intensively farm, slaughter and transport animals and it’s just plain wrong. Even organic farming of animals mistreats them and perpetuates cruel practices.

8. I manage services to adults with learning disabilities as part of the Local Authority.

9. I have been in a relationship with my partner for almost 20 years (although we had a little break from each other in the middle of this!)

10. I have 3 Nephews, aged 13, 10 and 8.

11. I adore cats. Cats are so intelligent, loyal, friendly, sensual, social and loving animals. I share my life with 3 cats.

12. I have just been lucky enough to secure an allotment and look forward to growing my own veggies! First, however, I have to clear the land and, as it’s full of couch grass, I have my work cut out for me!

13. I am increasingly frustrated by the way that ‘life’ stops me pursuing the things that are really important, but as yet I can’t see a way around this!

14. I love the music of Rufus Wainwright – and I just love him as well!

15. Music is really important to me, and I have a very eclectic taste, incorporating many genres.

16. I get angry when people sound off about the ‘politically correct’ culture of today. Whilst I see what frustrates people about this, I feel that people often miss the crucial issue, and this is one of respecting and valuing others and their individuality. Why people don’t get that is beyond me.

17. I cried watching Barack Obama’s inauguration.

18. I love living in this rural part of South West of the UK and would not want to live anywhere else. I’ve lived in towns and cities and I know where I am happiest – it’s here, in the country and I aint moving for anyone!

19. I hate flying. I’ll do it, when pushed, but I absolutely loathe and detest it and would be quite happy never to get on a plane ever again. Ever!

20. I am increasingly aware of the mortality and frailty of this flesh my spirit inhabits and of the urgency to get on and do what I was sent here to do. My working life feels less important, and the outworking of my spiritual practice more so.

21. I love collecting antiques, especially items from the arts and craft movement.

22. I value and treasure my friends and trust is pivotal in all my friendships. It’s crucial to me.

23. I’m tactile and sensual. I think I must have lived as a cat at sometime!

24. I think fundamentalism of any kind is dangerous.

25. I love red wine and drink too much of it!

Snow Thoughts

2009-02-03T22:08:00.004Z

Today I spent sometime walking around the village in the snow and I took my camera with me, just to make a little video of my home village looking both romantic and magickal, I hope you like it!

As I was walking I was reminded of the wise words The Green Witch posted recently when she spoke of the need for silence. It’s something I’ve been mindful of for some time, and I think I’ve written of it in the past. It’s crucial that I stop and listen to myself, to my own inner voice. Remember;

if that which you seek,
you find not within yourself,
you will never find it without

So I need to take time to stop, to look, and to listen to that voice within, that voice which is the voice of my own immortal soul, the voice of my own divinity, my voice that is of Source and is Source for;

We are stardust, we are golden

And

Know ye not that ye are gods

And therefore this is the truth within which I must walk.

The voice that I listen to is the voice of the One Divine Mind, that voice that resonates from the starry heavens to my very soul, for we are One. I just need to take time to listen and to step into the truth of that reality – a truth and reality that already exists.

Walking in the snow seems to bring with it such a profound silence. All is still, and this was so evident today. Occasionally I happened upon children playing, and this only served to show me that the distractions in life may often appear innocent and enjoyable, but if they cut off that connection, if they provide a blockage as opposed to an open channel, then they are of little use.

In recent days I have taken stock of how far I have travelled. I can look back and see my own footprints in the snow and I can see just how far back they go. I have travelled a long way indeed. At times such as these, however, I wonder just how much I have actually learned during the course of such a journey! Right now as I feel myself moving into a new phase I feel the need for a teacher as I have a sense of needing signposts for this next phase upon my journey.

Perhaps that’s just sense of apprehension as I move into a new phase. Most of my spiritual revelation and learning has come from my own time alone with the Divine, and perhaps this is how it is meant to be. We’ll see, whatever happens and whatever my course, I know I’m turning a new and fresh corner, and my footprints in the snow lie behind me, not ahead.

Imbolc Blessings

2009-02-01T15:28:00.001Z

I went to a couple of Imbolc ceremonies this morning as opposed to conducting my own ceremony at home. Although I went on my own, I had a need to connect with others. I’m not always the most sociable of people, I like my own space and my own company, but today I had a need to connect, and I felt that the two separate, although connected ceremonies, would support that. I will still have my own private ritual this week, building upon some of the things that have come into place for me in recent weeks.

The two ceremonies were good – but they left me wanting more. I really don’t mean to sound pompous or arrogant when I say they showed me how far I have come over the years. I guess they were geared with the very new ‘seeker’ in mind, whereas I’ve been walking my path for many years and would have loved to have been presented with something a little more challenging and powerful. I guess that’s for my own solitary practice, and perhaps I can’t expect something quite so ‘full on’ in an open ritual of this nature. The ceremonies took place at The White Spring and Chalice Well, both in Glastonbury, two places that are very dear to my heart.

However, I found the reason for my needing to be there today in one reading that was given. It’s been credited to a number of people, and in truth I am not sure of its origin (hopefully someone will enlighten me!) but it goes like this:

Mother, Father, God, Goddess, Universal Power
Remind us daily of the sanctity of all life.
Touch our hearts with the glorious oneness of all creation.
As we strive to respect all the living beings on this planet.
Penetrate our souls with the beauty of this earth, as we attune ourselves to the rhythm and flow of the seasons.
Awaken our minds with the knowledge to achieve a world in perfect harmony.
Grant us the wisdom to realise that we can have heaven on earth.

This prayer struck me powerfully and spoke to me deeply. In the ceremony it was read out and as soon as it was read, the ceremony moved on, but I remained with it. I couldn’t move on. This was the reason I had to be there today and for me a new foundation was laid for my journey this year. It’s as though this prayer summarised all that my Path means to me and reflects where I have been, where I am now and where I am going. I was meant to hear this. I need to take one line at a time for the purpose of my Imbolc blog entry, forgive me if this sounds a little like a sermon!

Remind us daily of the sanctity of all life

All life is sacred. Nothing new there, you might think – but how real is that truth to you? What do you see as you walk this earth? That’s what struck me today. As I rush through life (and I am conscious that I tend to march and run as opposed to walk through each day!) The One Divine Life is made manifest in All Nature. The glory and wonder of Source is evident all around me each and every day I live my life. Why do I often seek and cry out for guidance, for a word, for a sign, when the wonder of the Divine surrounds me – more than that, is within and is part of me – each and every day of my life? There is also a call to action here, and I think this is something of the message for me this year – it’s as much about doing as it is about being. Both are required, both are necessary, both are needed. If all life is scared, then this demands that I not only notice it, but that I respect it and treat it as such. This is about walking the walk, living the life, responding to that clear call not just in word, but in the way I actually lead and live my life. It’s easy to write words on a blog, it’s easy to present something to others, to pull on the mask, to play the part, but just how real is it? I hunger for that reality.

Touch our hearts with the glorious oneness of all creation.

I’m increasingly aware of the journey my soul has made over many lifetimes and of my oneness with The All, with all creation, with all things. But now I find myself moving into a place where I am aware not only aware of this incredible oneness, but also of the wonder of my connection with all things. I can reach out and touch and feel and be one with The All because I am at one with The All and part of The All. This ‘glorious oneness’ this true and powerful connection is something that I want to move deeper into, to truly experience this and know this, to feel and hear the message from the Divine Mind and glory and revel in the dynamic of this interconnectedness.

As we strive to respect all the living beings on this planet.

For me this followed the theme of my own personal responsibility. It can’t be all about me seeking this and seeking that – it’s also about what I give to others, to the planet and how I embrace the sanctity of all things. It’s about my personal response to the love and power of the One Divine Life. It’s about my hearing the message from the One Divine Mind and acting accordingly. It’s the responsibility that follows the blessing; it’s the call to action. It’s not all about what I can get; it’s also about what I can give.

Penetrate our souls with the beauty of this earth, as we attune ourselves to the rhythm and flow of the seasons.

This is a deep and powerful attunement. It’s not just about dressing up in the correct seasonal colours, singing the correct songs and putting the correct things on our altar at the right time, it’s about a deep and inner attunement. It’s about a coming into oneness with the natural energy of the Earth and of the One Divine Life and living as One. It’s about stepping onto the ray beaming from Source. As we do this, our spiritual sensitivity grows, and with it our empathy. This is all part of the process of continual initiation, of spiralling ever deeper into the heart of Source and finding home there.

Awaken our minds with the knowledge to achieve a world in perfect harmony.

I think as magickal, spiritual beings, we have a role to play in ‘bringing things in.’ I don’t know how to express it in any other way, but I see myself as a Gatekeeper, as someone who ‘stands between’. As a Magickal Being, I hold that tension and I bring into being that which is required both in my life, and in the lives of others, those things that are needed to further and deepen ones progress and the reaching of ones spiritual potential. It’s all part of the discovery of my own spiritual journey and the acquiring of the knowledge we each need to move on, to progress and to bring that real, lasting and genuine harmony into our own lives and the experience of others. It’s about bringing into reality that which the Divine Mind sends deep into our own spirit.

Grant us the wisdom to realise that we can have heaven on earth.

And for me, at the moment, this is all about relationship with Source. Of enjoying that deep relationship, that dynamic relationship, with Spirit. Of recognising my own divinity, my own roots, my own place in The All and as part of The All, and glorying in that and celebrating that truth. It’s all about the balance of joy, celebration and personal responsibility, it’s the natural outworking of a personal relationship with The One Divine Life.

So it is this I move into this new calendar year, using this prayer as my blueprint. This blog will no doubt continue to record my journey, including my trips and falls, as I seek to make this a reality in my life.

When I'm Calling Your Name . . .

2009-01-28T21:44:00.002Z

I've said in a recent post that the events of the past few months have hammered home to me the truth that I am not my body. I live in my body for this incarnation, but my body is not me and I am not my body. I am more, much, much more than the flesh and blood that keeps my current vehicle physically alive. I am more than my drives, more than my impulses and more than flesh, blood and bone.

Likewise I am more than the things I feel. I am not my feelings and my feelings are not me. My emotions do not provide me with my identity. My identity comes from something much older, something that existed before my current body was formed and that will survive long after my current vehicle returns to the Earth.

This is something I've known for ages . . . but that's it, I've known it - has it actually sunk deep within me? I don't think it actually has. Like all of us I've become aware of just how much I've been clinging to this body and this apparent existance - that which I can so easily see, taste, touch, hear and smell, and it's this clinging, this inbuilt sense of dependence that in effect creates the false reality that has the potential to fool me over and over again until I start to trust, once again, in that which cannot be really trusted. The end result of this is that I actually loose connection with who I truly am. This happens as a result of impulse, or desire, overtaking will and instead of this vehicle becoming a voluntary collaborator, it becomes my master, and that's not good!

Spiritual growth has its birth in truly knowing who I am and more than that, living and acting and being in that truth. A member of staff said to me today "I'm a human being not a human doing!" and it made me smile that this old adage was being reflected back to me. It's a hackneyed statement, I agree, but one that contains such truth for all of that. What I do does not define me, even what I feel does not define me, it's the truth of who I really am that defines me and this comes from moving out of the realm of reactivity into the realm of claiming and living in the truth of my own birthright - I am from Source and I am of Source - I am as Source.

I have a sense of needing to travel back to the place of my origination. I have no idea if that makes any sense to any one at all, but I know what I mean! A need to travel back to the place of my true birth. Long ago, as recorded in this blog, I embraced Andrew, my Younger Self, and this was a deep and significant move forward for me, but in many ways that was something that happened on a psychological level - but no less real for that. Now I see I have a need to move in the power of my Magickal name and to truly embrace that aspect of me and to allow the power of that to flow through my physical body. I need to move in the power of who I really am and celebrate the strength and power of this. It's not just a case of being given a Magickal Name, it's actually about moving in the reality of that in a real and living way.

The more than time goes on the more disconnected I feel to this physical body. I don't mean that I disrespect it and I don't mean that I don't enjoy it. I experience this world and this incarnation through it, and many of those experiences and feelings are very pleasurable, but that's not all that it's about. I'm beginning to appreciate what the combining of the magickal and the pagan aspects of my spirituality means, and in a sense it feels as if I am becoming ever more Mystic. That's surprised me to an extent, but it seems that's the way I seem to be developing.

I don't think that this body needs to be punished into submission. Somehow it's about the body, the emotions, the mind coming together and working in cooperation and harmony with Spirit and somewhere in here, for me at least, it has something to do with fully and truly embracing that Magickal aspect of me and moving with it and in it. Truly being who I really am, fully connecting with my True Self, but on a much deeper level than I have hitherto experienced.

I don't pretend to know how all of this is supposed to happen, but it's a path that appears to be opening up ahead of me and it's one that I will have to walk down and, once again, it's a process that I feel will have it's inception at Imbolc.

It all starts on Sunday, then!

Dairy Free Andy!

2009-01-27T22:33:00.000Z

Something that has increased for me in recent weeks is my sense of connection with all things. I've said many times before that I know I am part of The All, but this is something that has become more of a reality for me. I do feel part of it - part of the Dance of Life. It's like I've broken into the circle of dancers, joined hands with them and am dancing along! We're all dancing together, but each according to our own steps, our own paths, separate, yet together.

About three weeks ago I moved from being vegetarian to also becoming dairy free. I'm not about to get on a soap box about it, that's not something that I do, although I feel passionately about my reasons for wanting to live a cruelty free lifestyle. Many pagans have criticised me for this, some even suggesting that my lifestyle is incompatible with walking a pagan path. They are welcome to their view, I just don't share it! What I didn't expect, in taking this step, was the deepening sense of connection it bought to me with all things. I don't mean this in a silly Dr Doolittle kind of way, I just feel that I moved into a new space. I felt joined by the many sentient beings that walk this earth and make their own journey alongside me. It was something that I didn't expect, but it was a most welcome experience. It reminded me of this quote:

Animals... are not brethren, they are not underlings: they are other nations, caught with ourselves in the net of life and time, fellow prisoners of the splendour and travail of the earth. Henry Beston

I really want to mark Imbolc this year and because I've been somewhat out of action for a little while I intend to make it a kind of rededication to both the Lord and Lady. I'm feeling the 'shove' of Spirit! It's time for me to move on, to get active, to stop dabbling and to really get in there! Often in the past I've allowed this impulse to lead to a kind of frustration, as time and other pressures often get in the way, I'll explore this in my Imbolc ritual which I will carry out in my Temple Room sometime on Sunday. I feel really excited now I've actually written this down - it's a real and genuine intention and now I've spoken it, not only will it come to pass, but it will be eventful!

The Imbolc Quickening

2009-01-26T22:02:00.003Z

Firstly, I want to thank everyone who has posted on my blog in recent weeks and months. I've been away, and I've probably been away for too long, but it feels good to be back. My time away has taught me many things, things about myself, my spirituality, it's practical expression (walking the walk as well as talking the talk) the physical world around me and those I share this experience with. It's been an invaluable time. A dark time, yes indeed, but without darkness we will never know light, and all things have their germination in darkness, before reaching toward the light.

I posted a 'thank you' yesterday on my last posting so I won't rehearse that here, other than to say my thanks are genuine, your support has been incredible, and I've both felt that support and grown as a result of it. It's carried me, and for that I am more than grateful.

My father is making very slow, but very steady progress. Tomorrow I take him to the Bristol Royal Infirmary for a check-up, the results of which, I hope, will see him discharged from Bristol in order for his care to be provided more locally, that would be a blessing for him, and for us. My mother has also been poorly in recent weeks, and that's been a great concern to me, but she appears to be slowly recovering. What a time it's been!

My work has also been changing around me, causing me to have to travel further and wider and to have to take on duties and roles that were hitherto not my remit, or indeed the reason for taking up my present post. I am first and foremost a manager of people, this is where my skills and abilities lie, yet I am being taken away from this, so I face challenges on many fronts. I have a feeling many of these will be met head on this year, in some way, shape or form.

It is no coincidence that I mark my return to the blogosphere today. At this time I usually feel the Imbolc Quickening and this is something that I have been aware of for some days now. An inner stirring, a hunger for divine connection, a yearning for spirit, an inner exuberance, a need to run and celebrate - and all this because the dance is beginning again. In many ways Imbolc is my favourite time of the year, a time full of such promise, everything is opening up before me once again, and it is my will that can begin to shape my own destiny. I am both excited and also in awe. I have such a sense of things changing - I don't think things are going to be same at all at the close of this year. In here somewhere, and I don't pretend to fully understand it yet, is something about my own ability, as a magickal being, to create my own reality - to open those doors, to make those things happen, according to my will. This is something I am going to learn this year, how I am not sure, but I feel it.

I feel that I have faced something of my own mortality in recent months, and to my surprise, this scared me. My foundation didn't feel as sturdy or as strong as I thought it was - there was doubt, untested belief. How can ones mortality be tested, without tasting death itself? I guess seeing ones own father stare death squarely in the face is pretty much as close to it as one can get, travelling that same journey with him, albeit by a different route. I have a greater sense of the reality of life, death and rebirth. Suddenly I am aware of walking this earth before and also of the reason that I walk this world now. My connection to everything feels greater, especially the earth itself. I do feel, more than ever, like spirit within a body, a life within a tent, seeking, growing, learning and yearning and becoming something new, something greater, to be born anew at sometime, in some place, until I have achieved whatever it is I am supposed to achieve and I ascend to higher realms. Suddenly pagan dogma means less to me and my own spiritual experimentation more. I may not always have a theory to hang something on, I may not always be able to explain it, what I feel or say may come in for criticism from my learned pagan friends, but what the hell? All I can attest is the truth of my own experience. Whilst I want everything I believe to have a sound foundation, I won't be quite so harsh on my own experience any longer, nor will I take the sometimes harsh criticism of others quite so much to heart.

It's weird, I feel as though I am seeing things with older eyes, yet I don't feel old! I feel wiser, yet not particularly wise. I most certainly feel stronger and my Inner Critic has been silenced somewhat! I often fall into the trap of 'oughts' 'shoulds' 'coulds' 'musts' and all the other imperatives, those that have been self imposed, and those that are imposed by others, however well intentioned, but I now embrace a greater freedom. It may not be as easy for me to have my morning meditations, my reading time may be more limited for a while, but hey, I can meditate when and where I can, and I can read when and where I can - I feel a travelling altar coming on! It's time for a more flexible structure to my spiritual life, and life in general, and I will whatever form this takes in the on-coming months. I've spent too many years beating myself up, it's time to forgive and love myself a little more - and actually see and embrace what is truly important for me, today.

It's corny, as it's a phrase that has become so hackneyed in recent years, but I have seen what 'living in the now' or 'embracing the moment' is really all about - I've tasted and ingested the reality of this truth, and its power. It's quite incredible. Truly entering the moment, separate from cause, apart from effect, just truly being - there is power, there is wonder, there is reality in this moment. It's somewhere I want to be more often.

So, the magick of Imbolc stirs. This time of germination, it feels like something of a pre-beginning, only that makes little sense, I guess! My intentions were set around Samhain and now they have been well and truly watered and fertilised. Now is the time of Nurture. That's something else I love about Imbolc, it's a caring, nurturing time. The frosts are not fully over yet, shoots, if they are evident at all, are very young and tender, and they require protecting and guess what? . . . it's okay! One doesn't have to be big and brave all the bloody time!

And I think that's the key for me at the moment, more than anything else, more than getting it right (which has driven me for too long) I simply want to make it REAL.

It feels good, being back!

Tears and Hallucinations

2008-12-08T22:10:00.000Z

It's been a strange old time and it's been a tough old time. I set up this blog in order for it to act as a timeline of my own spiritual development, a kind of on line journal or a diary, something that would work to act as a series of markers in the sand of particular milestones, rites of passage and of my journey through the valleys as well as my walks upon the mountain tops. These past weeks, although not borne in meditation, ritual or ceremony, have seen something of a change within me and this has been borne from nothing other than 'living my life'. It's been stressful, difficult, painful, scary and demanding and I kid you not, I feel absolutely shattered emotionally, physically and spiritually. I'm feeling somewhat spent right now. I have a strong inpatient sense of frustration about this.

Seeing my father in hospital, wired up to heaven knows how many machines, drains and drips everywhere, taking a cocktail of pills and potions has had a powerful effect upon me and in truth I don't fully understand or appreciate the depth or profundity of that effect. I'm in here in this incarnation for a reason and a purpose, no doubt, and I am sure that this present moment in time is all part of that plan, but I don't quite get the lesson at the moment. Seeing my dad in this fragile state has sent me back to so many times in my childhood as well as catapulting me into possible eventualities in the future that I'd rather not think about. It's caused me to reflect on great times, times of regret, and also of unsaid things that probably need to be said. There have been times when I've felt like a child in adult clothes, scared and wanting my parents to look out for me, yet as I look at them both, there have been times, many times recently, where the look in their eyes has been calling out for me to do the self same thing for them. That's tough and difficult to handle. It's more than a role reversal, it's something of a dynamic inner change. I also don't want to do anything that robs them of their own control over their lives and destiny - I don't want to take them over. All I've been able to do is be there for them, and I hope that's enough and I hope it tells them I love them, because I do.

I've had a funny old time with my parents. As born again Christians they were unable to cope with my sexuality and through my coming out I was sent away not only from the family home, but the town as well. The Christian Church disowned me and a rift appeared between my parents and I. My eventual embracing of pagan spirituality did little to heal that rift. However, over time a bridge has been made and a new relationship established and that's such a comfort and joy to me. They still don't fully approve of what they see as my 'choice of sexuality' although I don't see where choice comes into it, and I don't go into detail with them about my spiritual practice, as I see little purpose in that, I know they struggle with it and why put them through that? However, the fruit of my path, and perhaps theirs also, as led to us all being in a new place. The fact that I am able to provide such a strong level of support at the moment, at a time when they really need it, is a powerful testimony to a significant period of healing, and that's a wonderful thing. So that's one positive thing in the midst of all this.

Spiritually I feel a bit all over the place. I've not been able to focus on anything in particular, as my mind and concentration is shot. I'm finding it hard to give myself to anything at the moment, as my head seems to be dealing with so many thoughts and things that I need to do. I'm not happy about that as I feel I should be doing better in this regard, I should be more disciplined and more in control of myself and this situation. That's what my Inner Critic is telling me anyway, and I have to agree with him to a degree! "This is a lesson in powerlessness" my partner said, and whilst I understand where he is coming from in his humanistic approach to life, I don't like hearing it because I feel if I were in a stronger, more powerful place, I wouldn't be powerless. I'd be able to harness the natural forces in nature and do something more positive and effectual for my father, and indeed for my mother. So I'm not happy about that and I'm feeling somewhat feeble spiritually. I don't know if that makes any sense at all - I guess I'm just beating myself up when I shouldn't be I suppose.

Dad was told that for a while following his triple heart by-pass that he would have a couple days where he would feel emotional. Seeing ones 76 year old father cry is incredibly humbling. Not embarrassing, not uncomfortable, not something that I wanted to ignore, simply humbling. The old stiff British lip crumbled and he cried, not really knowing why and not really having any control over it. I think it was a combination of medication, his body's shock following such radical surgery and probably a sense of relief of still being here. I'm sure an operation of this scale forces one to face ones own apparent mortality, even for a born again Christian. "Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine, oh what a foretaste of glory divine" we used to sing as a family in Church, and I have no doubt at all that my fathers faith has been tested in this area. I'm not about to criticise him for his faith or his path. It may not be my path, I have serious questions and problems with it, but I won't deny his right to it. I obviously ask the same of him. This open expression of humanity, a place where roles were momentarily suspended and we came together as people without boundaries and pretence was special for me. It's an odd moment to treasure, I guess, but I do feel a sense of privilege that I was able to share that moment.

So he is home now, following the surgery, and appears to be slowly improving. There are some concerns around recent blood tests, and these worry me slightly, as they could potentially point to other problems, but I'm trying to put those concerns to one side as nothing definite has been said at this time. He's looking better each day, if only in very small ways, but I take that as positive. I just want his confidence in himself and in life to start returning, as his 'stuffing' has been knocked out of him, that's for sure. The pills he is on give him some concerning hallucinations at times, and they're not pleasant for him at all, but many of his medications are on a reducing programme, so I hope that soon enough this too will pass.

For me, I'm not sure what this period of time is all about. Clearly it's about cementing, reestablishing and to a degree, redefining, relationships, but I'm sure there are deeper things for me to get to grips with here as well. I want to grow out of this situation, to become stronger and find myself in a more spiritually robust place, but at the moment, I'm still feeling as though I'm in something of a fog, looking for the open door.

Pagan Prayer Request

2008-11-23T22:19:00.002Z

Regular readers of this blog will know that my father has been expecting to undergo heart by-pass surgery. He will be having his operation on Monday 24 November at 1200 GMT. Please can I ask that the friends I have made via this blog think of him, pray to your Gods, light a candle, stand in your power, whatever it is your spiritual path leads you to do, and remember him? As you can imagine, it's a bit of a scary time for him, my mother (mum and dad are pictured here), my family and loved ones. My regular posting here has been somewhat interrupted by this, but I know I will be back, just as I am sure that he will return to health and strength. Please, stand with me in this, in whatever way you are led.

With my love and blessings.

Andy

Strange Times

2008-11-16T22:05:00.001Z

A huge thank you to everyone who has left 'get well' wishes for me in recent weeks, I really have appreciated your thoughts and intentions. I don't know where this 'bug' came from, really, but it's hit me for six, it really did take the legs from under me. I've been feverish, coughing, sneezing and generally feeling really very unwell. I'm also aware that I have passed it on to at least 5 other people, one being my partner, the rest being work colleagues! Guess who is not exactly Mr Popular around these parts at the moment?!?

This bug, which although called 'Man Flu' by some, really has been rather vicious, has managed to sap me of all my physical energy. I've worked through it, I've not taken sick leave, but when I've come home from work, I've just collapsed on the sofa and I've also been going to bed earlier and getting up later. Consequently, my spiritual practice has suffered somewhat, and whilst I'm not happy about that, there's been little, in any practical sense, that I've been able to do about it. This is another reason why I've not posted here in recent weeks - there's been little to say! I've felt in something of a spiritual backwater, and it's not been a comfortable experience, especially as so much exciting stuff was happening leading up to episode. I guess in a way I'm looking for meaning within it all, but I'm not seeing a clear picture at the moment.

My professional life has also been playing something of a key role in terms of my silence. I've had an a project delegated to me, which has arrived, as ever, on top of my current workload, and it's been taking up an inordinate amount of time. This project, as well as taking up physical time, over and above my normal working hours, has also been sapping me physically and emotionally, as well as having something of a psychological effect. In short - it's been a really tough time work wise! I don't want to go into detail, it would be wrong, unprofessional and indiscrete, but lets just say that the past few weeks haven't exactly been my most favourite period of my professional life! Admittedly, I've taken this project on whilst not feeling in the best of health, and the stress of this project has probably led to the length and indeed depth of this particular episode, so something of a vicious circle - not helped by one week when my manager and colleagues were all on annual leave!

I also have the worry of my father. Regular readers (and I hope there's still a few of you out there!) will know that my father has been poorly. Well, on Sunday 24 November I will be taking him to Bristol Royal Infirmary where he will be undergoing a triple, and possible quadruple, heart by-pass. This is clearly a huge ordeal, and at 76, it's an even bigger challenge. He has the actual operation on Monday 25 and I would appreciate all the thoughts, pagan prayers, healing incantations, protection, spells, anything and everything that your own spiritual practice affords. I know he is going through this operation because he wants to be able to experience more time with the love of his wife (my mother) and family, so I hope that intention is what will carry him through. As a devout Christian, he wouldn't appreciate the sincerity of the spiritual pagan, but I know we rise above such things, so please remember him, my mother, me and my wider family in your practice.

So that's about me at the moment. Whilst poorly I have read 'The Secrets Of Dr Taverner' by Dion Fortune, and, in the character of Rhodes in the stories, I can see something of my own spiritual development mapped out in front of me. This book is a collection of short stories, some perhaps twee, some dated, yet they all contain spiritual truth, magical teachings, admonishments and lessons to the wise. The last two paragraphs of the entire book contain, for me, a vision of where I want to be. It seems that so much is stacked up against me in this mundane world, at the moment, acting as something of a barrier to my own progress. However, the lesson for me here is how I negotiate this series of hurdles . . . yet another lesson, and I still don't feel I have the physical energy, as yet, to attempt this negotiation, but negotiate it I must.

I'll sign off by quoting the final two paragraphs, and I wish you love and blessings:

Above me on the hill the great granite cross cut the stars, a Keltic cross, with a circle of eternity superimposed on the outheld arms of renunciation. The mist had come up and blotted out the low-lying land towards Frencham till I seemed to be alone on a crater of the moon. Cut off from all human influences, high up on the stark heights of the moors, I met my soul face to face while the unseen life that rose like a sea drew back as if to give me room for my decision.

And I hesitated, longing to plunge into that wonderful life, yet dreading it; when suddenly something gripped me by the heart and pulled me through. I cannot describe it better than that. I had passed an invisible barrier and was on the other side of it. Consciousness steadied again, the world was unchanged, there above my head still loomed the great cross, and yet in all things there was a profound difference, for to me, they had suddenly become alive. Not only were they alive, but I shared in their life, for I was one with them. And then I knew that, isolated though I must always be in the world of men, I had this infinite companionship all about me. I was no longer alone, for, like Taverner, Marius, and many others, I had passed over into the Unseen.

Bugs!

2008-11-03T18:10:00.000Z

Thanks to everyone who has been posting on my blog in recent days. I wish each and every one of you a very blessed Samhain. I've been laid somewhat low with a really horrible and heavy cold. Some may call it 'man flu' but I have been feeling really rather poorly. This bug has drained me of all my energy and has left me feeling, physically, very low. Pleased be assured that normal service will be resumed on this blog in the very near future - I just need to get myself back to physical health first!

With love and many blessings, Andy

Labyrinth of Initiation

2008-10-22T22:14:00.002+01:00

With the energy of Samhain increasingly evident, my attention is being drawn to the reality of initiation. I’ve mentioned initiation a number of times in recent blog entries, and this is because I have been led to see the depth of initiation and also the cycle, or perhaps more correctly, the spiral of initiation. In recent days I have come to see that this is in fact a labyrinth, and in fact the initiate travels this labyrinth throughout their journey, spiralling in and out, travelling back into the centre, that place of death and rebirth, and then spiralling out once again, at a new level, at a new depth, in a new place and with a new energy, before returning once again, for a new encounter with death and rebirth. Initiation is a process, and one that is not trivial, but rather is hugely profound.

My tarot spread this week has been really very pertinent to all that has been happening with me of late and this week has seen my eyes being opened to a great deal of powerful things.

The theme this week has been very much about initiation, and a challenge from the gods to really assess and evaluate my own motives in light of what I seek. Is it about me? What I can gain? My own self projection, or is it about my own transformation through the laying down of self in order to achieve the manifestation of Higher Self? This involves travelling into the heart of the labyrinth, of daring to approach Cerridwen’s cauldron, of truly experiencing death in order to be reborn into a new place of experience and existence. There’s nothing shallow about this, the challenge this week has been clear – am I prepared for this, is it truly what I want and am I honestly prepared to bring those final bastions of resistance down to secure my hearts desire?

Initiation isn’t something that’s conferred by ceremony. Although ceremony of some kind may mark this rite of passage, it isn’t the ceremony that brings the initiation; it’s the intention of the heart of the Seeker. Motives, integrity, transparency, and openness before ones gods are key. Being honest with oneself, and with ones gods.

The journey of the labyrinth isn’t easy, because as one spirals in, so one spirals into death. At the centre of the labyrinth resides Cerridwen’s cauldron, and this is the cauldron of transformation, knowledge and rebirth, but before rebirth and knowledge can be bestowed, there has to be a death. There’s no shortcut, this process cannot be avoided, and although it may happen over many stages and on many levels, happen it must. As I am walking towards the centre, I see the various things I have laid down over time, but there is more. The cauldron represents the womb of the Mother, and I am going to be expelled from this womb, born into a new place, but before this happens, I have to let go, and let go especially of the past – even of that which I think I have learned.

I say this because although two cards spoke of initiation and motives, the third card spoke of the illusion of the past, of looking back with nostalgia, but this nostalgia is false. Things of the past may look attractive and appealing, but when I reach out for them, they disappear, or they fail to satisfy, because they have little substance. They may be full of appeal, full of sparkle, full of quick fixes and many promises, but in truth, they are empty and shallow and will leave me as such. They are illusory, and I have to walk away – and vow never to return.

In the past, when I have walked the labyrinth, it has been at much shallower levels. I have walked it on the level of emotion, or on the level of desperate seeking. Now I walk it as a matter of Will. I choose to let go, I choose to abandon myself to my gods and I choose to embrace the womb of the Dark Mother in order to be reborn. I choose the path of true initiation. I choose this because I seek to be reborn, with new eyes, new vision and with new knowledge and I want to move from the emotional and psychological to the arena of spirituality. I want the Inner Light of my Higher Self to radiate from my eyes and spirit to flow from this chosen vehicle.

I choose to move to a new level and to a new state of consciousness. The past has been a preparation, and a valuable one, but however appealing and however seemingly attractive, if I am to grow, then I have to move on. This may be painful in places, but it is a test of how serious I am and a demonstration of my level of commitment. This is a breaking of old patterns, a letting go, even of people and places, and a goodbye to old systems of support. This is about reality.

It’s a tough call and I have to ask myself if I am truly ready.

I am called to open myself to the Fires of Sulis and abandon myself to Cerridwen’s cauldron. A sacrifice of control.

As I prepare for Samhain, so I continue to walk the labyrinth of initiation, ever closer to the womb of the Dark Mother, shedding all that stands in my way, until I too am in the cauldron, dead, transformed and reborn, not on a superficial level, but truly reborn, with a new name and new vision, ready for the next phase of my journey.

Flying Beds

2008-10-19T18:14:00.001+01:00

I have a feeling that this is going to turn into something of a self reflective ramble so it will therefore be rather disjointed. This will not surprise regular readers of this blog, but to any newbies out there, my apologies!

In a recent conversation with my sister, she reminded me how, as children, we would play what we would call ‘Flying Beds.’ This was simply a childhood fantasy, where we would imagine that our beds had secret powers and would, at our command, take us anywhere at all, by taking to the air. We would soar, far away, in our imaginations, to places and people that we would create, painting on the canvass of young minds, uninhibited and unrestricted. As I have reflected upon this I have come to appreciate the longing for freedom that I have always sensed, deep with me. This is a desire to be free from the limitations and restrictions of the physical body and a deep conviction that there is more to life than that which presents as physical matter. I’ve never been fooled into believing that all I see is all that exists.

What I have come to see, in recent months, is that this longing I felt then was the voice of my Spirit – what Dion Fortune calls the ‘immortal spirit of man’ - that part of me that is of the One Divine Life and which seeks to make that divine and eternal connection. The immortality goes two ways. This is the God/dess within me, if you like, that part of me which makes me divine and which seeks communion, meaningful relationship, with the One Divine Life. This is a hunger that has always been there, it’s something that I’ve always known, and these whispers from Spirit, to my spirit, although expressed through various traditions along my somewhat complicated spiritual journey, have always been there, even at the times in my life when my communication receptors were rather ineffective or seemingly non-operational altogether! The One Divine Life has never let me go, even when I could be seen running at full speed in the opposite direction! And trust me, that has happened!

I don’t consider myself to be particularly psychic. I don’t see the aura’s of people as they’re walking towards me in the High Street, and I hardly ever seem to remember my dreams. I rarely see visions (although I have a few times) but I do find that I have a highly tuned intuitive nature and this has often shown itself when I’ve been reading tarot for people. Somehow, I just seem to know. I’ve been working with people, using the tarot, and somehow Source has spoken directly into their lives through me, often with dramatic results. This has often worked at its most powerful when I have allowed the cards to speak directly to me, not always following the established interpretation of the card as detailed in the accompanying book. This is a gift I’ve not used for some time, and is something that I would like to see develop. However, I use the tarot a few times each week for my own personal use and I’ve always found this to be really effective and meaningful. So the tarot, for me as well as for others, has been one vehicle where I have been able to fly from the restriction and limitation of this mind and body into a different place, with positive results.

“Confusion is the beginning of wisdom” says Dr Taverner to Rhodes in the Dion Fortune book ‘The Secrets of Dr Taverner’ and I’ve been feeling that way myself in the past few days. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a negative thing, I’m not throwing my arms in the air in some kind of doubting fashion, but I do have a feeling of ‘the more I read the less I seem to know’! Does that make any sense? I think this is because I have moved from the starter to the main course! I so relate to this Fortune quote because to me it speaks of being open, honest, and transparent. No one will ever grow on their path if they assume a kind of ‘know it all’ pretence and, sadly, I have spent too much time with people of this ilk during my spiritual journey. I am in a place now where I dare to ask the questions and whilst I know I have a firm foundation, this is not where I want to remain. I’ve not come this far simply to tread water. No, I want to build upon this foundation and establish something wonderful and lasting. So I am in a place of mild confusion at the moment. I feel like a chap who has just purchased a flat pack kitchen and can’t quite work out how to bring it all together. I have all the parts I need, I have the tools in the house, somewhere, if I can get my hands on them, but I’ve not yet quite connected the tools to the appliance! I remember feeling this way when I started a new school. Everything around me looked somewhat familiar, the routines were similar, but I was also painfully aware that I was the ‘new boy’ and I simply had to get on with it. That’s how it feels right now in the sense that I know I have some serious learning to do.

I think this is because I am seeking a way of bringing magic into my pagan practice in a real and meaningful way. I have been working with my gods, working with their energy, and therefore using magic in the sense of it being a gift from my gods and flowing from their energy and vitality. For me magic has to form part of my devotional practice. The object of my magic is to bring my manhood into my Godhood, to become more like the person I was created to be, before name and form, by allowing my Higher Self to manifest within me so that it is my Higher Self who looks through my eyes. I don’t see my magic as a way of obtaining ‘things’ necessarily, but I do see it as a way of transforming myself.

“Magic is more than waving a wand” says Dr Taverner, and this is obviously not news to me. I’m done with the fluff, done with the bubble gum, candy floss ‘buy a spell off the shelf’ mentality. I’m moving on to deeper and more profound things and in many ways it scares me! I’m far more aware of what I don’t know than what I do, I also know that I am a bear of very little brain! Part of me longs for a teacher, but at the same time I am aware of how I have learned so much over the years directly from Source. And this is objective of my quest, to get ever closer to Source. I don’t want fame or riches; I simply want to know, even as I am fully known.

Six Random Things About Me

2008-10-18T19:13:00.004+01:00

I’ve been tagged by the lovely Mary, of Tea, Sympathy and Perfume blog, to write six random things about myself. So, in a little departure from my usual blog topic, here I am honouring the tag request! I think this is a great thing, as it provides you with something of the person, the human being, behind all the ramblings posts I make.

Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.

2. Post the rules on your blog.

3. Write six random things about yourself. (See below)

4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them. (See further below...)

5. Let each person know they've been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.

6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Six Random Things About Me:

1. I adore cats! Cats are so intelligent, sensual, loyal and loving. People often refer to cats as being aloof, I’ve never known this to be the case in my experience. I lost my Lilac Point Siamese called Dusty two years ago this December and I miss her, dreadfully, to this very day. Here she is on my lap:

2. I’m vegetarian. I know some pagans get upset about this, but I just find it impossible to eat other sentient beings. The way we intensively farm animals, the inhumane way we house and keep animals and live animal exports are other reasons for my vegetarianism. I don’t preach about it, I don’t criticise others for eating meat, just don’t expect me to do so!
3. I only see in one eye! I had a detached retina in 1986, and almost lost the sight in both eyes. I’ve had lots of ocular operations and the sight in my right eye is okay, but not brilliant!
4. I’m 6’4.5” tall!
5. I’m gay – but I think you know that! I’ve always known that I was gay, it really does feel like something I’ve known forever. It’s as much part of who I am as the colour of my eyes – it’s an intrinsic part of me and I am proud to be an openly gay man. I assert my right to be who and what I am! As a young boy it terrified me, I just couldn’t see how my life was going to pan out. As it is, I have been in a relationship with a man I love for the past 20 years, and that’s something else I am very proud of.
6. I’ve just made a Facebook page! Why, I’ve no idea, it just seemed like a fun thing to do at the time. If you have a Facebook account, please add me as a friend! I only have 6 at the moment and it feels very lonely!

Normal, serious posting will resume tomorrow!

And now for 6 friends blogs I really love and read every day:

The Green Witch – I love the TGW as she is always open and honest and shares from her heart. A real spiritual journey has it’s times in the valleys as well as on the mountain tops and I admire the Greenwitch for her honesty.

The Voice of Seshat. Seshat has taught me so much through her prolific writing.

House of Inanna – Brian shares a range of topics that never fail to interest me. I like the way he writes and I am often challenged by his thoughts.

Angels In The Whirlwind – A new blog to me, but I am intrigued by Boleskine’s magickal journey. As I move into a more magickal experience, albeit on a path different to his, I find his experiences fascinating and inspiring.

Starweavers Corner – because I have learned so much on this blog, Starweaver never fails to get me thinking.

This Guys Journey – a new blog to me and I just love the way that Bret writes, it’s so honest and refreshing. I think he has a real talent.

So a mixture of blogs, do please visit them and all the blogs on my blogroll. They’re there because I love them all!

Married To Amazement

2008-10-16T17:32:00.004+01:00

By way of 'surfing' some blogs recently I came across this beautiful poem. It touched me incredibly deeply and I am posting it here for your own meditation. However, please visit the blog Conversing With Paradise where it was originally posted and let Jeff (as well as I) know how much you enjoyed it!

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse
to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measles-pox;

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it is over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

Mary Oliver

Posting this may appear to be something of a cop out, but this could not be further from the truth. There is something so very powerful in the poem, the whole feeling of embracing life and running with it. For us, as Magickal Beings, we would want to take this further, to be sure, but as a springboard for journeying and meditation, I think this is wonderful.

I hope you like it too!

Western Esoteric Tradition

2008-10-14T17:11:00.001+01:00

My spiritual development of recent weeks has led me back to the Western Esoteric Tradition, and I find this keeps happening. It’s interesting, because although I feel led here, in a very strong way, I still struggle with certain aspects of it, such as the heavy Christian leaning. I think that this may perhaps have more to do with my lack of understanding at this present time, as opposed to anything about the Western Esoteric Tradition itself. Having a fundamental Christian background, it’s almost guaranteed that I would struggle when I see biblical quotes popping up in the books I’ve been reading by Dion Fortune and W.E. Butler recently.

However, all that to one side for the moment, I have to say that when I am reading the books that talk of the Western Esoteric Tradition, the quickening I feel in my spirit is incredible. I feel it rising up in my solar plexus and at times it is all I can do to contain it. It’s more than a feeling of excitement, although I definitely feel excited, it’s more like a spiral of energy pulsating from within me, working its way outward. It’s a tangible feeling and one that seems to not only come from within me, but also surrounds me. That sounds so fluffy it’s almost laughable, but I can’t deny the reality of the sensation. It’s like something of a homecoming and I have a genuine sense that at last I have found a tradition that I can finally hang all the things that make sense to me upon. This is not to say that I understand it all, necessarily, I am acutely aware that the vast majority of all this is very new to me indeed, but at the same time, the little that I have read and meditated upon is starting to make sense to me. There is a real and genuine resonance and it’s something that isn’t leaving me, it’s not a passing thing, there is something real here and it’s very clear to me that my future explorations, however tentative they may be, need to be in this direction.

I’ve gone mad today and purchased a number of books by Dion Fortune. It’s no accident that I have just joined a reading group who are exploring the works of this amazing woman and I am so excited to be part of this group. I have such a sense that we are on the periphery of such a time of discovery and I know that things are going to open up for me from here-on-in. It’s like the months leading up to today have been a time of preparation, a real tilling of the soil. What it leads to, obviously, is yet more preparation for the next stage! I am not claiming any kind of revelation as such, just a real and powerful sense of ‘this is it!’ this is where I need to be for the next part of my present incarnation. My intellectual and spiritual teaching will come via the books of Dion Fortune through the reading group and will inform my spiritual practice in the months ahead. I also see the New Moon Ceremonies that I run as a place where some group ritual work will begin to implement the things that I learn. It’s all coming together in a very real and exciting way, but I am also terrified!

Is ‘terrified’ the right word? Probably not, that’s probably too strong a word. I think I mean apprehensive, and I mean this because I know that I am about to venture into a new phase of my journey. I have a real sense of stepping out of the old and into the new, and I will use Samhain to ritualise this. I don’t fully know or understand where I am going, I never seem to know that, but I do have such a sense of this being the right step for me. I feel that I am about to launch into a new seat of learning and I am being led by Spirit. I also know that this is going to lead to a real time of personal challenge as I lay down aspects of personality that need to come under the subjection of Higher Self. This won’t be easy, but I know it needs to happen.

My Higher Self is starting to expand within me. It’s like I’ve created just enough room, brought down just enough pillars, cleared enough personal debris, for my Higher Self, that immortal spirit of man, to begin to radiate within me. I’m not being egotistical here, I’m claiming nothing huge, I am more than aware that I am still, very much, fallible man, but I am aware of things shifting and moving and changing. I am changing. I actually don’t feel the same. I’m stronger, I’m clearer, I’m more in tune with myself and with Source and I have a sense of destiny about me. It all sounds very grand, but it’s true, and if all this sounds like a load of tosh to you, to me it sounds and feels very real indeed.

The Death card that has been following me around over recent months is also coming back to my mind and focus. I think there is an ending here, but one that is signalling a new beginning. Dion calls very clearly for sacrifice, leading to death and new birth. She talks about sacrificing our preoccupation with our human senses, and through this to allow the Higher Self to manifest. “An appreciable clearance has to be made” she says, and I can attest to this. I also don’t think I’m anywhere near that ‘appreciable clearance’ as yet! I think all I’ve managed to do is just about clear out a very dusty corner, but it’s enough for my Higher Self to just about begin to radiate. I feel it, and I feel and sense it in my own meditations and ritual activity to know that things are genuinely shifting for me. It’s also starting to be reflected back from those I work with in ritual, and for that I am terrible excited.

When I was interviewed on the radio recently the interviewer said “your job and your spiritual path seem to be at odds with each other.” This threw me, momentarily, because it’s also something that has been on my mind a great deal. Managing people, services, budgets and the future, especially for the Local Authority, isn’t easy and there are times when I feel a genuine inner conflict and that’s not comfortable for me. I want to move away from this falsification of self. What I want and what I am seeking now is a way of bringing into my daily life, in a greater way, a more transparent way, a way that causes people to encounter Source when they encounter me. It’s a goal, a long term goal at that, but I once read about someone who aimed at nothing, and guess what? They hit it! I’d rather aim at something lofty and at least get half way there!

Initiation

2008-10-12T22:39:00.002+01:00

. . . the work of a magician is to know and master his or her own self. The magicians task is to concentrate and manipulate the diverse forces in his or her own nature until those forces interact, disintegrate, and change to emerge reassembled and reborn. What occurs is not only a mystical experience or immediate perception of the presence of an almighty and supreme power, it is a complex rebuilding of the machinery of experience and perception itself.

I came upon this quote today which seems to encapsulate much of where I have been led in recent weeks and months. Whilst I cannot and do not consider myself to be a magician (yet!), the goal of this quote resonates deeply with me.

When I am called to 'know thyself' this really isn't a surface, self indulgent thing. It is about knowing myself in my physical body, knowing the reactions and interactions (as well as the intra-actions) of my body and senses, but it's also about something much deeper than that. It's also about knowing that I am not my body, but rather I am that which uses this body. The Spirit within me is that of the Universal Spirit - Source, that which is part of everything, in everything and is everything. This is the foundation upon which everything has been built and upon which I must also build. It's a concept which blows my mind, and in truth I don't think I've fully got my head around it as yet! However, it is something to which I am constantly being drawn, so without doubt I am being called to know and understand the profundity of this message.

The 'disintegration' part of the above quote is also interesting. This is another concept to which my mind is continually drawn. This is a process that I feel I shy away from in many ways, although I've been through it on some levels in the past. This is about another form of changing my perception - as the quote itself concludes. It's the way I see myself, my body, and consequently my ego, or talking self. It is about bringing the pillars of self down, of making that room, that space, that capacity within me that will allow the Inner Light of my Higher Self to manifest and shine from within me. I think it is a process as much as an event, but there is a personal call for me to work at a higher level on this very issue.

This leads to my rebirth, and at this time of Samhain death and rebirth are very much in the forefront of my mind. This is the rebirth of the Initiate. There is something here about really embracing Cerridwen's cauldon, of seeing myself in there, in the mix, so to speak, and being transformed as a result. Not just on a mundane day by day level, but on a true initiatory level. A letting go of the pampering and clinging to self, and an embracing of the true reality of me and what it means to be a Child of the Goddess - an Initiate.

The more I meditate upon initiation the more I see that it is not a one off event, but rather it is something like a spiral, and I spiral in and I spiral out, on this continuous cycle of initiation.

What I am after, what I am seeking is reality. I am not interested in delusion of self. I am setting my intention very clearly as this year closes and that is to open myself to Deity in a new and more profound way and to truly embrace my path and my calling. I don't fully know where this will take me and maybe I don't even fully appreciate the depth or gravity of what I am saying here, but this is the desire of my heart; to truly move into a new area of experience and depth. I seek to dance with my Gods in a close and profound way and for this to reflect itself through my own personal transformation and for this to be evident to others.

Avebury

2008-10-11T18:23:00.003+01:00

I had a really lovely day out on Friday. My special friend Jacquie and I, went to Avebury in Wiltshire, UK. We wanted to revisit the Avebury Henge, Silbury Hill and also the West Kennet Long Barrow.

There will be 3 videos in this post, so I hope you're able to view them as they will convey more than I am able to write. I would love to know how you experienced them and the energy they contain.

Avebury Henge is an incredible place. Not as visually striking as Stonehenge, perhaps, but what is remarkable, to me at least, is the different energy. Stonehenge has a very masculine energy, whereas Avebury has a very feminine energy. This struck me particularly as we entered the middle field. I had a great sense of 'birthing' energy here.

I've made a couple of videos for you, but they're not brilliant! They were simply taken with my camera, but hopefully they capture something of the spirit of place for you. Here's Avebury Henge:

From Avebury Henge we moved on to Silbury Hill. This is a most remarkable place. It is the largest man made mound in all Europe, yet no one really knows why it was made. As far as anyone can tell, it has no hidden treasures, artifacts, or any hidden religious significance, yet the energy from Silbury is almost overwhelming. I had a great sense of emotion - a real, deep tapping into my emotions. Joy, real joy was present and strangely both Jacquie and I burst into song - silly song - simultaneously. The energy from Silbury is peaceful, loving, in a way, there's nothing vengeful or aggressive here at all, as far as I can tell. People came from all over to contribute to the building of this mound, so it clearly had great significance to them. To connect with these people was special. I hope this video shares something of Silbury with you.

From Silbury we walked to West Kennet Long Barrow. To get there we passed by two very special trees, the second of which was covered in ribbons, prayer ribbons, left by many pilgrims.

West Kennet Long Barrow is one of the many prehistoric monuments that are part of the Avebury complex of Neolithic sites. It is one of the most impressive and well-preserved burial chambers in Britain, as well as being one of the most visited.

It was really odd, as there were a family of wasps in the entrance, making getting in there very difficult - almost as if they were guarding the place! Also, a couple had visited just before us and as well as lighting some lovely tea lights, had burned a lot - and I mean a lot - of incense, you can see the clouds of it billowing out from the entrance to the chamber!

The energy here is quite incredible. To connect with these people, my ancestors in many ways, is remarkable. Again, here it feels peaceful, nothing to be avenged, as far as I can tell, and it feels very much about respect and honour. This is a brief video, but again, I hope it captures something of the moment for you.

A lovely, special day, with a very good friend, and some lovely moments spent connecting with people, spirits and places that are, like me, part of The All.

The Road to Samhain

2008-10-08T22:33:00.003+01:00

Today I took myself out on a walking meditation. I have a few days leave from work, and I’ve been determined to put them to good use. No prizes for guessing where I went – yes, as I thought, you’ve guessed it - Glastonbury Tor and Chalice Well! I just love these places and I have such a genuine connection with them. I am so aware of how blessed I am to have such amazing places close by, but then I guess we all have our ‘special places’ and our connections to sacred sites. I also know that our mere presence, as a Magickal Being, makes any place sacred, as we connect to the Spirits of Place and work with them. And, over the years, such as with Glastonbury Tor and Chalice Well, these places become imbued with this energy. The words we speak, from the intentions that we make, have the power to create, or destroy, build up, or break down.

I also intend to visit Stanton Drew and Avebury during the oncoming days.

I have been aware of Samhain calling in recent days. Energy is shifting, and this has been reflected in a number of blogs that I regularly visit. As energy shifts, so my inner work shifts, and I have become increasingly aware that Samhain is just around the corner. Samhain is one of my most favourite festivals. The energy and power of this season drives right into the very core of me and both thrills and terrifies me, simultaneously. I think it needs to do both, and as such I never become complacent but rather see this time of death and rebirth as hugely significant as I step into a new spiritual and magickal year. It also makes this time real, and not superficial, on any level. It can be an incredibly painful time, as one lets go things that no longer serve, and then one reaches out to embrace the new. It’s not just about an acknowledgement of the season, but a real, genuine, and total connection with the season of death, and then rebirth. This is the time of transformation and transformation is central to my path. As I get closer to Source, the One Divine Life, how can I not be transformed?

As I reached the top of Glastonbury Tor, I was calling to Gwyn Ap Nudd, who I relate to as the king of the Underworld. He is the God of death and rebirth, as the Underworld is where souls are prepared for their rebirth. I was seeking guidance on that which I need to release, in preparation for my Samhain ritual. Words and images were flooding my mind and soon one word stood out about all others: Restriction.

I sat, leaning against the tower, in the wonderful warmth of full sun, seeking more insight into this word, and soon it became clear. So much of my work has been that of letting go of old patterns, both of behaviour and thinking, and moving into a new place. I am amazed at how far I have travelled, yet I still restrict myself, and this was key – the message for me was to let go of the limitations I place upon myself. It’s time to see how I limit me, mainly in my thinking, but also in my interactions with others.

Together with this were the limitations I place upon my progression upon my own path. Sometimes these limitations are borne of fear that stems from my Christian upbringing. It’s over 20 years since I broke free from the yoke of Christianity, yet still the echoes remain, quieter, much fainter than before, but at times they are still there. They are but whispers, just whispers, but whispers that at times hold me in check, stop me moving forward, because I doubt and fear and I feel that this doubt and fear often has its origin in a belief that I am not worthy. These things need to go as I want to move forward and I need to release the lies of the past as I move into the truth of Now.

There is no glass ceiling, nothing has been imposed, any restriction is there because I alone place it there. As my trust and belief in myself increases, so I need to step into my own personal responsibility and integrity. I am in charge of me. My words both create and destroy. As I embrace my own True Will I am my own light and I am my own master and therefore the bars of this self imposed prison can be torn apart – and this is my intention for this Samhain.

As I walked to Chalice Well I sat at the Wellhead and spoke with Sulis, my patron Goddess. She is the Goddess of the hot, healing springs of Bath, Goddess of blessing and of curse, Goddess of fire and water. As I listened to Her promptings I was increasingly aware that I have embraced her Water aspect – my intuition is well developed, I am aware of my own emotions, I own them, and disown those that are not of me, and my inner relationship is finely tuned. These things can always develop further, however I need to embrace her Fire and bring this further into the centre of my being. I need to allow her Fire to rise within me, that fire of passion, of alchemy, of transformation, of purification. This is the Fire that burns the dross and leaves the gem – the Fire of Inner Light. This is a clear call and a clear challenge.

Linked with this is the ability to receive. When I doubt my worth it is difficult to receive anything. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no wilting wallflower, but there are times when it’s difficult to receive because I don’t feel good enough, and I know where this has its root – firmly seated in the past indoctrination of Christian teaching.

So my Samhain ritual begins to take form. A relinquishing of the limitations and restrictions I place upon myself, a letting go of self doubt and limiting self belief, walking away from old concepts of me. And then a stepping into the truth of who I am – a Magickal Being, and a genuine stepping into the element of Fire, embracing the Fires of Sulis and seeing them rise and take hold within me. This will be a ritual that is designed to cement a process that is already at work within me and that will result in a deepening of this work through the art of causing changes in consciousness at will.

So mote it be!

What Is My Path?

2008-10-06T19:09:00.003+01:00

It’s been a few days since I’ve posted, but this hasn’t been because I’ve fallen into inactivity or procrastination! Mind you, both things have been enemies of mine in the past, and I am mindful of the different guises they assume with which to lure me!

I have a feeling this is going to turn into one of my rambling posts! Apologies! I just feel a need to summarise my journey to date, as I have a need to declare where I am here and now. Obviously, I’m leaving loads of detail out, just for the sake of space and to save you, dear reader, from pure and guaranteed boredom! I just have a need to make this post another significant marker, which for me, at the moment, is the main purpose of this journal. I hope that in some small way this post will also provide an essence of who I am and what I’m about. I feel it’s timely.

This was confirmed when I read one of Seshat’s recent posts. She writes in a way that often touches my spirit and soul, and this confirmed to me that I needed to make this entry.

As I have said in recent entries, things have been happening for me of late that have moved me on, spiritually, and there are doors opening for me, and I’m both excited and nervous about these things. I have a real sense of anticipation and expectation. There are many things changing around me, professionally, personally and spiritually, and some of these changes will be a constant, I just need to go with them for the time being, whilst other changes I need to take control of, magickally speaking.

I have been walking a pagan path for some years, but I think it’s true to say that probably half of that time I was walking a somewhat ‘fluffy’ path. I don’t say that disrespectfully, I think perhaps many of us come to our paths this way, it’s only with reflection that I see my time then was one of walking into awareness, step by step. This is why I don’t criticise those who seem ‘fluffy’ to me, although at times I may feel irked by them, especially when I feel their fluffiness is being inflicted upon me! I don’t criticise, because it’s not for me to judge where they happen to be on their path. That’s for them to work out. Only they and their Gods know where they are at this point upon their journey. It’s none of my business.

Recently I’ve felt a need to define my path anew. Not that it’s changed, as such, rather there has been something of an evolution, the result of my own spiritual development over time. I’ve felt the need for this redefinition only because I have felt a need to declare my Own True Will – the purpose I was placed here, in this incarnation, at this moment in time. My recent growth has been a result of study together with application and a heart that truly seeks to connect with the One Divine Life and to bring this connection to others, in whatever form they are ready to experience it at the point of development they themselves are at. I feel that is my True Will.

My background is one of fundamental Christianity. I mean the real Charismatic, speaking in tongues, healing the sick and raising the dead type. I even attended an evangelical/charismatic bible college in a bid to ‘get closer to God’ but none of this met that genuine sense of longing and healing I was experiencing within. Indeed, attending the bible college almost destroyed me, because all it showed me was that God found me, as a gay man, and someone who found this patriarchal presentation of religion difficult and uncomfortable, detestable. I was also seeking healing for my visual impairment. I was rejected by the Divine – or so it felt to me at the time, as none of this came to pass. I left the college empty, more empty than I had arrived.

In time I was thrown out of the Christian Church, because of my sexuality, and thrown out of the town, because my parents, pillars of the local charismatic church, felt me to be possessed of the devil. This, as you can imagine, sent my life into turmoil.

After a process of many life events, I moved into a kind of spiritual no-man’s-land, a kind of agnosticism that was pure self indulgence and which resulted in spiritual death – and potentially physical death, such was my carefree abandon. I just lived for myself. At the end of this period I was left with a real gaping whole within that was longing for spiritual fulfilment.

However, the One Divine Life had not let go of me, or my calling. And I do feel that I have a calling, dramatic and over the top as that may sound. I’ve wandered down too many blind alleys to count, but the fact is, the hand of the Divine always brings me back, and in these past few years I’ve found myself in a place I’ve never felt possible. This all began with my eyes being opened to the wonder of nature – or more correctly, Nature. I began to see that my years of searching, this desperate need to feel a sense of ‘belonging’ was futile, because I was seeking that which already existed – I WAS CONNECTED! That connection already existed, it was there, unbroken and vital, and this was such a sense of revelation and joy as I moved into the truth and the reality of this connection.

In time this led me to people who were practising a form of Goddess spirituality locally. I thought that I had found my spiritual home, but in time this proved not to be the case. I think some people there found a gay man – a man who loved and had sex with men – in the middle of a Goddess movement, difficult to handle. I don’t think they knew what to do with me or what to make of me! I don’t say this with any criticism towards any of the sincere and lovely people there at all. I loved many of them, but I think I was ahead of their time in some ways in that my mere presence perhaps challenged them in too many ways. That sounds arrogant and I don’t mean it that way, I just mean that as many of them were working out their own relationships with men, a man who openly professed to being gay forced them into a place that perhaps they were not ready for at that point in their own journey. I felt it right to withdraw from that particular expression of that movement and chose not to dedicate at the end of my first years training. It was the right decision; time has shown that to be the case.

This led me to concentrating and practicing my own solitary practice and it is here that the fireworks really started! As I began, somewhat blindly and with huge ignorance in many ways, to practice my own solitary pagan practice, embracing both the Divine Feminine and Masculine, it was like Source spoke directly into my life – honestly, it felt that powerful. Within my own practice my connection with the One Divine Life was realised and I dedicated myself to Sulis, Goddess of the hot healing springs of Bath (a local city) and to the Lord of the Wildwood. Opening myself to them began a process whereby their qualities began to manifest within me and I was enthralled within my pagan spiritual practice. I love my patron Goddess, and Her connection and energy in my life is a real and constant Truth, The Lord of the Wildwood has shown me what it is to be truly divinely masculine, and to Him I am both thankful and grateful. I have also made connection with a number of Guides and I have worked closely with my ancestors. All of this has led, as you can imagine, to real personal spiritual development.

However, of late, things have moved on, to an extent that at times provides great clarity, but at others throws me into confusion, and it is because of this that I feel a need to define my path. Not to put me into some kind of spiritual package or false bondage and restriction, but in a bid to express where it is I am coming from of late.

Flowing from recent happenings within my own spiritual practice I have found myself drawn to a more magickal expression of my spirituality. This has led some to describe me as a Magician, but this is a title I do not feel worthy to accept and neither do I feel it appropriate. I say this for a number of reasons. One, I know very little of Magick, although I am reading and studying for all I am worth. Also, I have a very real sense of my devotion to my Gods, and this relationship is powerful and real to me. As Seshat says in her post, Magick to me is a genuine gift from my Gods – an outworking of that dynamic relationship.

Boy, I am rambling today, I am sorry! I just need to get this down!

So this combination of a real and genuine pagan practice, that has been so personally powerful for me, and a progressing magickal element to this practice, has been confusing me. How do I combine the two? What does this make me? Am I turning into a ‘pick and mix’ pagan – something that I have never, ever, wanted to be? Have I finally lost the plot somewhere?!? Have I finally lost my very last marble?!?

All I can say is that my connection with the term ‘Hedge Witch’ has never felt more real and genuine. Yes, I am experimenting with Magick. Yes, some of Crowley’s writings have inspired me in ways that the written word has never done before. But, so have the writings of Dion Fortune. Another conundrum!

My path is one of combining the spiritual celebration of my connection with my Gods, with the magickal outworking of that relationship. In truth, right now, I’ve no idea how the fruits of this relationship will express themselves, all I know is, this is the path I am walking today. I am in the ever constant state of Becoming. This is my present home!

As for doors opening, I was walking down Glastonbury High Street the other day, and in a shop window was a very inconspicuous note asking for people to join a reading group exploring the works of Dion Fortune. My heart was in my mouth, and I signed up! I go to the first meeting this week, and this is what I mean about new doors opening, I don’t know where this is going to take me ... but I’m walking through the door!

I am Becoming!

Watch This Space!

2008-09-30T21:45:00.002+01:00

So much has been happening for me spiritually in recent weeks that I hardly know where to begin. However, I feel a need to try and summarise in order to place a marker here at the end of the month, and also as now I enter the phase of the waxing moon, and the things that I record here I want to see grow and develop over the weeks ahead.

I have discovered a real power and strength in embracing my Own True Will, that is, being who I truly am and embracing my own course. I have a real sense of taking up my place on the Web Of Life, and I know the vibration that I send out on this Web. My actions, and indeed inaction, affect others on the Web, just as theirs affect me. We are interconnected and interdependent. Together, the notes of our collective vibrations are the orchestra of life.

All this leads to me having a new and sustained belief in myself, a confidence and strength. This comes not from some kind of puffed up, egotistical, conceited pride, or, equally as disastrous, from some kind of false or introverted humility, but rather from a real sense of who and what I am. Believing in myself, truly moving into that place of spiritual confidence, has been a theme of this New Moon - believing in my own inner relationship. And this confidence, this embracing of my own True Will, leads me away from the supplicating "if it be thy will" of my archaic Christian past, into a new place of where I can make it happen and affect positive change.

I will be buffeted and blown about at times, my vehicle is but human flesh, but the tides that are beneath the surface are stronger than any winds that may blow above, and therefore I will stay true to my course, even if it appears that I'm travelling in the opposite direction to everyone else!

I am a Magickal Being, I am Divine, because I am of the One Divine Life, just as the One Divine Life if of me. My goal, my aim, my desire, is to truly experience and reflect that most awesome and powerful of connections. To know, even as I am fully known. I seek the true, real and powerful initiation of the manifestation of the Higher Self within me, and I know that this brings a real, deep, intimate and personal challenge.

My tarot meditations of the past two weeks have made this challenge abundantly clear. Now is the time were I have to be serious about bringing down those pillars, those constructs, those beliefs and patterns that have reinforced the illusion of self. I have bought into my own personal hype too often! I can't avoid this - I have to truly experience the path of the 'little deaths' if I am to truly experience the manifestation of Higher Self. There are no shortcuts, and I've known this forever, yet still I shy away. This can happen no more. I have to let go of those things that are contrary to my own course, those things that will only bring inner conflict, those things that are at odds to my genuine calling and my true purpose in being here. To continue with them is to only continue this sense of separation from my True Self, and my True Self is Divine.

My desire now is to bring my manhood up into my Godhood. 'I live here on earth but my race is from the starry heavens' and I want this to shift from knowledge to experience. The mighty experience of last nights New Moon ritual has underlined and emphasised this truth.

It's been an incredible couple of weeks. A couple of weeks that throws so many things up in the air, yet at the same time makes so many things so perfectly clear. I don't see an easy road ahead, but I see a road that I want to walk, a path that I do not want to avoid or sidestep, yes, it will bring growing pains, but the alternative is not worthy of my consideration.

Things are changing on a personal, professional, spiritual and magickal plane for me. All is shifting and moving, all is fluid. At the centre of this is a movement in my spiritual experience, an embracing of a more magickal aspect to my spiritual practice. I don't fully know or understand how this is going to pan out, I don't fully understand the steps I have been taking of late, but this I know: they are the right steps, they are steps of Divine initiation and they are the steps in which I wish to walk.

As ever, it's a case of watch this space!

New Moon

2008-09-29T22:22:00.002+01:00

What an amazing New Moon ceremony this evening! Four of us met in my Temple Room, and we worked elementally with New Moon energy, focusing on our relationship with Source, the All, and making room for our Higher Self to radiate within and from us. It was just such a special time, probably one of the most powerful times I've had in ritual.

Although we shared experiences at the end of the ceremony, I obviously can't share the experiences of others here, but I want to share a few of my own experiences.

I wrote the ritual based on my spiritual development of the past few weeks. The emphasis was very much upon deepening ones relationship and connection with Deity, with ones True Self and beginning to release the Inner Light of ones Higher Self. Obviously I needed to tread very carefully with this, so the emphasis was upon people working and holding the energy personally, moving at an individual pace that they felt was right for them, but then also blessing and giving to each other. It was a joy to see how well this worked.

As I was calling in the elements, the Lord and Lady, my Guides and Ancestors, I saw the room filled! It was strange because almost as soon as I noticed them, I couldn't see them, but I could sense and feel them. Truly, and honestly, the room was filled with Beings who were celebrating with us and blessing us as we gathered there. It was an incredible moment.

The sense of being filled, powerfully filled with energy at this moment for me was terrific and I don't think I've ever experienced anything quite like it before. As I sat down I was physically shaking.

We then moved to working with the elements. This was such an important ritual for me because it was about celebrating, experiencing and sharing our relationship and connection with The All.

With Earth, individually we held a conker, the conker acting as a simple symbol and representation of Earth, but also something that carries the energy and vitality of Earth. Individually we experienced our connection to Earth, knowing that we live here on Earth, but our race is from the Starry Heavens. For me my connection with the Underworld was strong once again, but also the fact that I am connected to the highest star. I saw myself taking this journey which was down a very long, straight road, I was travelling at pace, and the colours all around me were blurred somewhat. It was something like a parade and it felt like I was being welcomed into a new place.

Holding this energy we moved to Air, each of us smudging the other with white sage. This felt so cleansing and renewing, a real blowing away of the chaff and a sense of stepping into the new.

With fire we held tea lights, allowing us to visualise our Inner Light filling us from our Higher Selves.

With water we anointed each other, and for me this was about trusting and believing in my own intuition and starting to move in this trust. Believing in myself - a key lesson of recent months.

The energy was so high at this point I thought that I was going to combust! I had been holding the energy from each element and was conscious of this building within me, and as I glanced around the room I could see that each of us were holding it and moving with it. We really were working magically, it was wonderful.

Then we stood together, raising the energy that had built through the ritual and sending it to people and places where it was needed.

This sounds so simple as I write it, but the energy we had between us was more than tangible, it was incredibly powerful. I looked at everyone at the end and said "special, magickal people!" because to me it was an honour and a privilege to have worked a simple ritual with these people.

We are just an ordinary, small group of people, but tonight we connected and bonded in a very real and special way.

I think each of us have stepped into a new place with our Gods this evening and as the moon waxes so we will build upon and develop that relationship, each of us moving onward in the process of Becoming.

Foggy Day

2008-09-28T21:28:00.005+01:00

Regular readers of this blog will know that Glastonbury Tor is a very special place for me. It's somewhere I visit regularly, both on my own and with a special friend called Jacquie. Why is it special? Probably because it's a 'high place,' somewhere where I find it so easy to commune with Deity. The spiritual heritage of the Tor is open to question and debate, but what is true is the fact that spiritual pilgrims have visited the place and invested their own energy here in recent times and as such the Tor radiates with a positive, healing, vibrant energy. I just love it there, it's a real spiritual home for me.

So it was that my friend Jacquie and I made a visit to the Tor this morning. We started our ascent at around 08.30, at a time when the entire area was covered in a huge thick blanket of fog. The air was damp and thick with fog and it's fair to say that as we were climbing our thoughts were pretty much "what on earth are we doing, we must be crazy!" It seemed that if there had ever been any doubt as to our sanity, climbing the Tor when it was almost impossible to see more than a few metres in front of oneself confirmed those doubts!

But when we got to the top it was like we had entered a new and different world. Truly, it was just incredible. The sun was shining down on the Tor and it was just so - hot! I had been wearing a jumper and jacket, but I threw these off because it was just so lovely and warm, it was truly glorious.

The shining sun caused a reflection of the Tor and tower to be cast upon the fog that incased us. By clicking on these pictures you can enlarge them, but you can clearly make out the Tor in reflection. I've never seen anything quite like this before, isn't it amazing?

When the fog was thick it was so easy to see how the Tor would have looked when it was an island. The fog looked just like water, it really looked as though you were looking out to sea, and it felt as though one could swim out from the hillside! As the fog began to thin in the heat of the sun, trees began to peep through the fog, giving an incredibly stunning view, just amazing. This picture captures the essence of this quite well. You can also see a House Martin in flight.

We were joined by a herd of cows, complete with Bull! The Bull seemed to want to enjoy the energy of the Tor with us, so visited by way of the Tower itself!

And this is me, testifying to the glorious sunshine on the Tor this morning! As we climbed down, we entered the thick fog once more, and it was back on with jumpers and coats for around an hour and a half before the fog totally cleared.

The analogy here is not lost on me. It's so easy to get lost in the fog when one focuses on the illusion of reality in this world. I often feel as though I don't know where to place my feet, yet as we shift our consciousness, stop relying on the limitations and distortions of our human senses, there is an entirely different experience to be had. We can enter a new and different realm. It may be a hard and difficult journey to get there, we have to bring down so many false towers that we have believed in for some time, some that have propped us up for decades, some that we may have only recently created ourselves, but as we bring them down, we make more room for the light of our Higher Self, our God Self, to radiate and permeate within, and we enter initiation, and the next phase of our journey begins.

Okay, perhaps a trite analogy in many ways, it's somewhat obvious, I guess, but after the developments and happenings for me in recent days, today acted like something of a visual aid, a physical confirmation of what has been happening within.

A blessed New Moon tomorrow, everyone.

There . . . I've Said It!

2008-09-26T20:36:00.003+01:00

So much of my spiritual practice has been speaking to me of True Self in recent months, and my reading has also been reaffirming that which I have been learning direct from Spirit. To say this is exciting has to be the understatement of the century, but once again, this week, my reading has affirmed what I have been receiving directly from Source. I never cease to be amazed that in my own spiritual practice I hear the words of the One Divine Life.

I have a feeling that this entry is going to be one of the most important posts I’ve ever made. Blimey, doesn’t that sound dramatic? Trust me, I don’t mean to be a Spiritual Diva! What I’m simply doing is laying this post down as a significant marker in my spiritual and magickal development. Remember, the main aim of this blog is to act as something of a spiritual diary for me. What is wonderful, truly wonderful, is that I can share this journey with you, those who choose, for whatever reason, to read this spiritual journal. I treasure the fact that you do that, and make comments along the way, more than you can possibly imagine. I’m not a teacher, I’m not an expert, I’m not learned, I’m not a scholar, I’m not a spiritual or pagan leader of any kind, I’m simply a Seeker, a man hungry for both spiritual truth and spiritual experience, and this blog aims to simply track my own journey through the rough and the smooth, the valleys and the peaks. So when I say that this is going to be one of the most significant posts I’ve ever made, I say that this is what it will be for me. For some, it may be old hat. I just feel that this week has been something of a breakthrough for me. I feel like a rock climber who has reached a new and hitherto unexplored peak. As I look up, I see many more peaks to ascend, I’m by no means at the top and I am aware, more than aware, that I have a very long way to go, but as I look down, I can see how far I have come, and this is such a source of joy and celebration in my heart tonight.

Why have I said all that? Because I know that this is my path, and therefore what I say here can only be about my own journey. We each walk our own path, and have to walk that path alone. I have said the above because this post can only be about what is real for me, and talk about where I am at this moment in time. That some of you find inspiration from my incoherent ramblings is a joy to me, but I am also very mindful that what I write here cannot be absolute truth, but it is my truth.

Of late I have been confused as to how Source can be both immanent and also transcendent, then I came upon this quote: “. . . having created the Universe with a fragment of Myself, I remain.” It’s taken from the Bhagavad Gita – and as I read these words I experienced what was like an explosion within me, seriously, it was that powerful. This is a concept that I’ve known in my heart to be true, but it’s not something that I’ve seen reflected elsewhere, and suddenly here it was, before me and I wanted to jump up and down and sing! Yes! Source – my Deity, is immanent, but is also transcendent. I’ve known it, known it for ever, but reading those words showed me that I was not alone.

With this I saw that my soul is a replica of the greater universe, as the greater universe is the macrocosm, so my soul is the microcosm, a replica of it. “As above, so below.” I am the little universe within the greater universe – and so are you! Here is Unity, spiritual, powerful Unity. The phrase “we are all one” is not some trite, fluffy comment, but a hugely powerful statement of truth. The awesome reality of this just blows me away. “There is no part of me that is not part of the Gods” and the reality of this is something that I feel I am getting my head, heart and soul around for what feels like the very first time. I understand it and have no concept of it all at the same time!

So I am not separate, not desperately seeking to establish my connection with Deity, with Source, but I am part of this wonderful Unity. I am a Son, a Child, of the Gods. It’s just incredible. As I read this week, ‘. . . I am a Child of the Earth, but my race is from the Starry Heavens.’

My Gods are all aspects of Source, of the Supreme, perfect channels of the Supreme Power, each bringing into my experience aspects of the One Divine Life. The rays of their essential being radiate within and from me.

And although I see much imperfection within myself, I know that the call is to ‘dissolve and reform’. I’ve mentioned this here so many times in recent weeks, but once again the reality of it has hit home this week. This self which I have been fooled into believing is really me over the years, is nothing but illusion. The me that is so easy to cling to, the me that I indulge and pamper is not me at all. This is the me that needs to dissolve, little death by little death, as this is simply a mask to the True Self. This illusion dissolves to allow the manifestation of my True Self, the Inner Light, my Higher Self. This is my True Self.

This unity with my True Self brings me into contact, albeit for a fleeting moment, with the spiritual reality that is truly me - My Higher Self. I am part of the One Divine Life, and the One Divine Life expresses itself, in part, through me, just as through all matter, as all matter is part of the One Divine Life and indeed is the One Divine Life.

My Higher Self is my Inner Ruler who will continue to guide me on my path, a path of bringing my manhood up, up into my Godhood and I say this because I now know that my true aim is to achieve that which has always been true, the ecstatic embrace of the Divine, which works to seal the truth that my inner spirit is Divine, is Deity, living within and part of this body. This Divine Spirit grows and permeates through more of me, as more of the illusion dissolves and dissipates.

Oh man, this is powerful and awesome stuff, so much so it leaves me breathless.

I will mess up, get it wrong, make mistakes, let people down, upset people, go down wrong turns and blind alleys, because I am human flesh, but this I know, the Spirit that resides within me is Divine, and you know what? That makes me Divine too. There’s been talk on a few blogs recently about whether we should embrace just the Goddess, or just the God, or both, but now I see it’s not a case of that. The reality is we are all Gods and Goddesses! We are part of the One Divine Life and as such we are the One Divine Life!

There, I’ve said it!

But I say it with such a degree of humility and wide eyed wonder that my words simply can’t begin to express what I feel within. I could dance all night long; I can’t express how exciting this is!

This makes so much sense, at least, to me. I hope that something here resonates with you.

(Reference ‘Magic’, W.E. Butler, ISBN 1-870450-50-7)

Restriction

2008-09-23T22:21:00.002+01:00

I think most of you know that I start each week by turning 3 Tarot cards, and I use these 3 cards as a focus for my meditations for the week. I interpret each card with the other and use them as a kind of spiritual life coaching. It's a way that I am used to opening to Deity and through them I feel Deity speaks right into the heart of me. It's something I've done for some time now, it's even got to the stage where I am wondering whether I should begin to tweak and alter the way I spend time with Them before each day truly begins. It's something I've pondered for some time, but, for the moment at least, this is how I have been working.

This week the cards have been tough, and have challenged me to the core. I know that I've been growing of late, I have a real sense of spiritual development and I am aware of growing stronger, and closer to Source. However, this week there has been a strong word from the Lord and Lady of how I need to move forward if I am to continue this path and grow ever closer to Them.

These words are timely, as they have come with the arrival of Autumn Equinox. A time of growing introspection, a time of taking stock, gathering in, not retreating, but recognising growth and also doing some final husbandry. The cards this week have all been about this.

To be honest, and honesty and transparency is one the aims of my blog, I don't seek to present myself as something I am not, when I looked at them I groaned! I so wanted something lovely and fluffy, but no, not this time! I spoke of Air on my last entry, and Air can cut like a knife, a chilling blast that can separate flesh from the bone, and something of that blast has hit me with the cards this week.

Restriction has come up a lot for me this past year, and this week the cards have spoken of this once again. Restriction, but combined with self limiting, negative thought patterns, so the restriction comes not from external sources, but from within. There is something here around developing a keener, more attuned concentration, and a learning to filter out the negative rubbish that my chattering mind can bombard me with at times, and really see myself as I truly am. I've embraced so much of my True Self in recent months, and this is the truth about me that I need to invest in and feed - if that makes sense. Not in some kind of blind denial, but in a real and genuine intention to allow the light of my Higher Self to pervade all of me.

My trust and confidence in myself as a spiritual and magickal being has really grown in recent months, but the Lord and Lady have caused me to pause this week and check out, once again, just where that confidence is placed - is it in what I see as a growing ability, or is it in my relationship with Them. Relationship is part of the core of my spiritual path, and there has been something of a gentle reminder this week.

But then I turned the Tower, and to be honest, that floored me somewhat, as it's a card that has often spoken to me of destruction of something that I have been building, perhaps due to going off course. It momentarily confused me. As I paused and listened to the voice of the Lord and Lady I began to hear what it was they were saying, especially as I read the cards together, as they should be read. The message here was simple - don't underestimate my own intrinsic power. There was something here of taking up my own personal responsibility, but in way that recognises my own ability to create, and destroy, to build up, or to knock down - and this includes myself. As a spiritual and magickal being I create my own reality, I forge my own way ahead, so I cannot always point the finger when things go wrong, rather I have to examine myself, and see what it was about me, within me or of me that allowed that to happen - how did I leave myself open to that attack? If attack indeed it was. If something is not the way I want it or the way I think it should be, if it's causing an internal conflict or causing me to behave in a way or a manner that is not of my own true self, then something isn't right and I need to make it right, but I make it right not from some kind of brutal force, or effort, but from stepping into my rightful place on the web, and from operating from my true will - stepping into who I am.

So my restriction, my internal conflicts, my mind games, my mental conflicts come from me and my responses. It's a further and deeper call to see Source in and of all things and to respond accordingly, not from this body, this ego, but from my own true self.

This is a real challenge, a tough call, but it's part of the call to the deeper things of spirit.

"Dawn"

2008-09-20T21:59:00.002+01:00

My partner and I went to a local antiques fair today, antiques being a real passion of his. I share this passion, but perhaps not to the same extent as he does, or shall I say his level of commitment to them is greater than mine in that he spends time researching and learning about his main areas of interest, whereas I simply enjoy their beauty and marvel at the craftsmanship each piece displays. This is simply because my time has to go towards work, and increasingly more importantly, towards learning and experiencing more about my spiritual path. One simply can’t do everything!

Today at the antique fair my attention was arrested by this picture, and I just had to share it with you, so I took a picture of it! It's not a very good picture - it's really hard to take photos of pictures because of the angle and because of the glass - but I'm sure this will give you a rough of idea of what it looks like.

This is a piece of art by Ivy Ruth Ellis. She was an artist who trained at the Birmingham School of Arts and Crafts and she worked mainly as a print maker using the woodcut, linocut and wood engraving techniques and she exhibited her work from 1920 – 1939.

When I saw this, I just stopped in my tracks! I couldn’t continue past the picture, I just had to stop and admire it. Something about it just drew me in, and I think it’s because as I looked at it I was caught up in the wonder and power of the moment the artist has captured here. The picture is called ‘Dawn’ and to me the figure here is worshipping the return of the new day, with all the wonder, hope, promise and inspiration it brings. Far more than that, here, somehow, is a celebration of connection with the elements of morning, new beginnings, spring – the element of Air, in the East. Air that brings us inspiration, ancient wisdom, creativity, clarity, discernment, the voice of Lord and Lady on the wind and within our core being. Air that brings the words and wisdom of our ancestors to us, Air that blows away the chaff, the nonsense, those things that no longer serve and separates the worthwhile from the worthless, sometimes with great force. The reality of this experience can be really rather painful.

In this picture my own sense of joy and celebration at not just the wonder of nature, but the reality of being part of Nature, at one with nature, connected to and connected with the secret source of power and energy of Nature, is captured. The joy and wonder within this picture is apparent and contagious and I just had to purchase it! At the moment it’s sat on the mantelpiece as I spend time admiring it and deciding just where it’s home should be, but my guess is that it will just have to take up residence in my Temple Room! I know this is where it belongs.

There is something pure, simple and powerful captured within this work of art. To me spirituality can be made so complex, yet for me it’s heart is a simple truth – I am connected to and am part of the One Divine Life. It’s the journey of discovering and then continuing to experience this truth that is often the complicated part! The childlike figure in this picture, naked before the Lord and Lady and spirits of nature, is celebrating and experiencing the wonder of this simple truth. She is in awe of Divinity and at one with her own divinity. She is enjoying and knowing what I have always said is at the very heart of my own spiritual path – the ecstatic embrace of the Divine.

So within this simple yet beautiful picture my entire spiritual path is captured. This childlike figure is enraptured in the joy of the One Divine Life and this is where my heart belongs. I can sense her tears of joy and happiness and I can feel the wonder and excitement within her heart. Her hands reach out, not in a desperate, needy, neurotic compulsion to feel connected, but in a joyous embrace of the Beloved as she celebrates the wonder and reality of this connection and she is at peace in the knowledge of her Oneness. Her reaching out is a response the embrace of the Beloved.

This is the new place that I want to step into.

I Am My Own Light

2008-09-16T22:04:00.000+01:00

The pagan path that I walk appears to be a path of 'becoming' - but not of becoming something different or new, rather it is a path of becoming truly authentically me. I've said before that it feels as though each stage that I walk, each phase that I enter, seems to take me back to who I truly am, back to who I was always intended to be, back to the very core, the very fibre of my being. It's like I journey back to discover my true self, but the Self I was always meant to be, the Self before name and form.

All life is gestated in darkness, but as it seeks to grow so it reaches for the light, and the theme of 'light' has been with me this week. What struck me, as I was calling in Fire from the south the other morning, was that I am my own light. That threw me for a moment, as it felt pretentious and it was an impression that I wasn't expecting to encounter, but the clear, sharp thought was there - "I am my own light."

As I meditated upon this, things began to become clear for me. Calling in the elements has been taking on a new power for me recently, in that I don't just call the elements in, I have a very real sense of actually becoming air, fire, water and earth as I call. This week things have moved on again, as I called in Fire, so I filled with the light of this fire. I could see, sense and experience this piercing and enveloping light, but it wasn't coming from above or below or around me, it was radiating out from within. The light was emanating from my own true self, my own true will and as I remain true my course, true to my authentic self, then I am guided by my own light, because I am part of Source, in Source and of Source, part of the One Divine Life. This is a further and significant step into the mysteries, because I am truly beginning to fathom, to comprehend, to see and understand what it means to open myself to my true birthright as a child of the Lord and Lady.

This light that was filling me must be the light of Higher Self, the light of initiation, the light of real connection to Source. At the moment I had stepped into a new place, and I can't pretend to have walked out of my Temple Room radiating light to everyone who happened to cross my path, but in that moment and time there was a connection, an experience, that hitherto I had not experienced.

I know that my roots are deep in the Underworld, the very womb of the Mother, and here my gestation takes place, here I am conceived and from here I have my true origin, my true heritage. But the womb of the Dark Mother, this place of death, life and rebirth, propels me into the light as I am born. All life reaches towards the light, and just as I am conceived in the dark, so I reach for the light. My roots in that place of transformation, my branches reaching to the light of the very heavens. As I celebrate my true connection with the All, so I Am. So my own light radiates from within. As the connection is made, so I am born, I become my true, authentic self. Someone I need to learn how to remain in this place!

And I guess this is the next step, bring that spiritual truth into physical reality as I live on this material plane.

Change

2008-09-13T22:06:00.001+01:00

I have a growing confidence in myself, and this confidence is coming not from some kind of arrogant, puffed up, over inflated ego, 'holier than thou', type place, but from an ever deepening awareness of my own place in all things. As opposed to seeing myself as a kind of misfit, which I think is how I have probably viewed myself for too long, I am seeing myself as a jigsaw piece that brings completeness to a particular picture, a particular place in time. It's not that I don't fit, it's more that I am a necessary part that helps me, and everything and everyone else, fit. I have a role to play. It's back to this thing of all being connected, interconnected, all One. As I find my own true will, my own natural self, and as I move in relation to my true self, thus avoiding inner (and indeed outer) conflict, so the jigsaw becomes complete, so things begin to make sense and so I begin to play my part in making the picture complete and support and enable others to play their own part also.

There is something about personal responsibility here. I am the master of my own destiny, not a victim of circumstance, but a magickal being who creates my own destiny. It is my responsibility to be true to who I truly am, to act in accordance with my own true will, to follow my course in relation with the The All and to take confidence and responsibility in who I Am. This means more than simply speaking my truth, it's about being my truth. Every facet of me needs to authentically radiate my own reality, my own truth. As I move in accordance with my own true will and as I enjoy the inner harmony this brings, this harmony is what those around me will encounter. This is becoming increasingly important to me.

I am finding that so much of this has it's birth in my appreciation of my true connection with The All. In this past week, as I have been calling in the elements, and knowing that as I become those elements, within and without, I have been experiencing my true connection with them, as if my body holds the tension between them, if that makes any sense. I have been aware of not just 'holding that space' as it has been said to me before, but actually holding that tension, that real sense of energy in the centre of all. The sense of energy has been quite amazing, quite powerful.

I feel this is crucial, as I sense change coming, yet again. I am anticipating change in my work, both in the expectations of me in relation to my work, and my geographical location. Neither of these things bring any sense of joy, but I know that I need to be in a place where I am in control of what is happening to me, and of my reactions to the change. I can't allow myself to be 'done to' in this sense, but I need to see my place within this change and where I need to be. Somewhere in here it's about recognising what this moment is all about, and what I am to bring to this moment. Change can't be something that happens to me, it has to be a process that I am part of and instrumental within and as such I feel that I am being prepared for this. It's like a lesson.

There's a sense of authority here, again, not in egotistical way, but in a sense of truly standing up as a Priest of Goddess, and truly celebrating her immanence. Her qualities are within me and of me, as I am in and of her, so I move in that power, I move in that authority and I need to begin to bring this into reality here on the material plane.

The Power Of Relationship

2008-09-10T21:57:00.000+01:00

In recent days I am beginning to see the dovetailing of a number of threads running through this blog, and that is that relationship stands at the centre of everything. My spiritual practice has it's centre, it's core, it's very being in relationship, and I'm talking about relationship within a number of areas.

Relationship With Self

This is where it starts: truly knowing oneself. This may begin on a psychological level, but this is not where this relationship can remain, it has to move on from here if one is to truly embrace the deep reality of spiritual practice. Knowing self in a real and dynamic way is one the most fundamental calls of many pagan paths, but this needs to move on to truly knowing the relationship within oneself. Those deep and hidden motivations, those dark areas one often shirks away from, it calls for stark and open honesty, transparency with self, but also with others and with Deity.

But this relationship also needs to move on from here, it cannot remain in what will only become a self serving and navel gazing exercise - this serves no purpose and no person. It needs to move into the complexity of the relationship between Younger, Talking and Higher Self, this deep and profound inner relationship, learning and discovering the part each aspect of self plays and providing the space, the freedom, the inner environment and the magical environment for this relationship to thrive. This is a process, but it is one that has to have a beginning and one that leads to true initiation with the manifestation of Higher Self - and this hails the beginning of a new relationship at a new and deeper level.

Relationship With Deity

Relationship with Deity is not a tokenistic thing, it is something of depth and power. It is not about what one can get from Deity, but from encounter and experience with Deity. It is about recognising the reality and power in immanence and recognising that Deity lives within, and one lives in Deity. I've touched on this in the Absorption of Self, but it is that profound lesson of losing self to discover the reality of the True Self, seeing that we are all One, part of the All, that in this respect, we are all Goddesses and Gods, as we all share the one relationship, we are all interconnected, interdependent and in living, dynamic relationship. Here we discover that the emphasis is not so much on polarity, but upon the wonder of a living, vibrant relationship.

Relationship With The Universe

Here I have begun to see the wonder in recognising ones place with the Universe, or The All. This began when I began to notice that as I called in the elements (earth, air, fire and water) that I was starting to become the very elements themselves. I will admit that I still don't fully understand this and I am trying to move deeper into awareness of this relationship, but I could see myself as fire, as water, as air and as earth in a real and dynamic way. And it moves on from here. Each star has a course. and the star moves freely in that course without hindrance. We too have a course, a place, a role, a relationship within and as part of The All, and as we move into that relationship so we too move without hindrance and in power. I don't claim to have fully grasped the full reality of this, but I am beginning to understand the significance and wonder of this fact. Moving into my own orbit. my own special and unique place. separate and self contained, yet interconnected and in perfect relationship with The All.

Relationship With Each Other

Again, we contain all we need for life, existence, fulfillment and spiritual power within, as we are each separate and unique, yet at the same time there is wonder, power and growth in coming together. We don't need each other in some kind of negative, needy way, but as we come together in true relationship with each other, there is much magic to be made. When that real and dynamic contact is made, on a profound level, there is wonder to behold, a strength that hitherto has not been experience. It's beyond communication and moves into another realm of experience altogether.

As I travel along my spiritual journey I begin to appreciate the reality of all I have said above. I don't pretend to have fully experienced it fully as yet, I know I have a very long way to go, but I do see that at the heart of everything, from my very core outwards, relationship, relationship within, without and with everything is the very heart of my journey.

Angiogram Appointment

2008-09-08T21:28:00.000+01:00

The Bike Ride was a great success with between 75 and 80 people taking part, so that's brilliant.

I am taking my father to hospital tomorrow for his angiogram, so your thoughts, pagan prayers, rituals and intentions will be very gratefully received. It's going to be a very early start, as I have to pick him up at 06.30 tomorrow, so an early night for me!

I've lots to share, but it will need to wait until later in the week!

Time for bed!

Bower Hinton Bike Ride

2008-09-05T22:45:00.001+01:00

A slight departure from my usual spiritual topic, but I wanted to spend a few moments telling you about the Bower Hinton Bike Ride. This is a sponsored bike (push bike) ride that I organise to raise money for the Orchid Cancer Appeal. Orchid exist to raise money to fund research into the diagnosis, treatment and prevention of male cancer. They also promote awareness of these diseases.

So what we're talking about is testicular and prostate cancer. Men aren't good when it comes to talking about these things, but it is something that we need to get better at. We need to learn a lesson from women here. Women have learned the importance of self examination in terms of noticing subtle changes in their breasts. They also talk about these things with each other. Men don't do this! We are rubbish when it comes to checking our balls and we certainly don't discuss this with each other. In a very real way here, silence can equal death. When picked up early, 98% of men make a full recovery from testicular cancer, so this shows just how important it is to check yourselves out!

As people get wise to the effects of smoking, and the cases of lung cancer begin to slowly diminish, prostate cancer is becoming the most serious issue in men.

The Bower Hinton Bike Ride works to raise money and also, and equally importantly, to raise awareness of these previously neglected diseases.

It takes so much work getting this even off the ground and running smoothly. Too much work, really! Organisation, planning, getting people to take part, publicity, health and safety stuff, insurance, you name it, I've been doing it. I'm not complaining, as it's my choice to do this, but I have noticed the impact upon time more so this year. At this point, with the ride happening on Sunday, it's reached its peak and I have no time to myself at all. The fact that it has impinged on other areas of my life has bothered me this year and it's something I need to sort out in my head. The house is full of bike ride materials!

So please do think of me on Sunday! We need fine weather for a start! We don't need sun and heat, we just need it to be dry from about 1000 - 1300! Please think about us and all the cyclists if you have a moment.

I'm sure normal service will be resumed on this blog from Monday onwards!

On The Radio

2008-09-04T15:11:00.002+01:00

I had a brief interview slot on BBC Radio Somerset today, to promote the Bower Hinton Bike Ride. Imagine my surprise when the interview didn't really touch on the bike ride in any depth, but rather discussed my spiritual path. I was both amazed and thrilled! I was aware that people listening may well be experiencing a sense of spiritual hunger, so I was wanting to connect with anyone who would perhaps describe themselves as a 'seeker' and somehow point them in the right direction. Encouraging people to get out and walk the land and connect with Nature in the now, in the moment, seemed the best and most appropriate way. I was really pleased that I was invited to enlarge on this, and was able to talk about connecting with The All. It was both a surprise and a joy.

I'm not used to this kind of thing, and I know I could have done better, but if you want to listen to my brief conversation, BBC Radio Somerset do a Listen Again feature. I don't know how long this link will be active, but if you're quick and click on the 'Morning Jo' link below, and then forward to roughly 2.40 you will hear me come on just after The Bangles!

Hope you enjoy it!

Mornng Jo

The Absorption Of Self

2008-09-03T22:27:00.002+01:00

". . . the absorption of Self in the Beloved"

I came across this phrase today and it blew me away. It was so timely, following on, as it does, from my post of Monday September 1. As I read these words, they leapt from the page and burned themselves on my heart and in my spirit. This, above all else, is the single goal and single intent of my path. I seek to know the Beloved, just as I am fully known.

As I read these words, so much became clear to me, in a fraction of a moment. As I have said here before, the goal, the aim of my personal spiritual journey has been to know and experience what I have called the 'ecstatic embrace of the Divine' and here, in the words above, I see the path to this experience. As the layers of attachment to self identity are peeled away so I melt into the heart of the Beloved, into the core of the One Divine Life, and thus I know and enjoy that ecstatic embrace.

The attachment to self identity is a hugely powerful thing. Most of our lives are spent trying to 'make our mark' and this is usually by assuming roles of many kinds such as work roles, relationship roles, family roles, societal roles, and the like. We make our impression, assume our role, moreover, we assume the role we feel that we are expected, or intended, to play. We affirm the expectations of others, of society, of life. We play our part, do our bit. As we repeat these patterns, year after year, we come to believe that this is who we really are and as such, when for whatever reason those roles are removed, we are lost, bereft and directionless. We have simply become a player in a game.

Everyday life can cause us to absorb so much falsehood about ourselves. Our self concept becomes distorted and dysfunctional, blinkered, one dimensional and ineffectual. We cease to truly be.

The other day, in personal and private ritual, as I called in the elements, I was aware that I wasn't simply calling them in behind me, but I was becoming the very elements themselves. I was fire, I was water, and so on and so forth. I literally became the elements and it was amazing. This was such a confirmation to me that the words I have been writing here have been of spirit, as a theme throughout my writings of late has been one of interconnectedness.

I firmly believe that we are all stars, we are individual and unique, yet at the same time, we are interconnected and this is a connection with The All. So, although I stand alone as uniquely me, I stand connected with all my brothers and sisters on the Web. Here we are united, here we are together, here we are One. And it is One with All Things.

So, just as I became the elements because I am one with, part of and as the elements, so it is with Goddess and God. They are of me, and I am of them and we are one. I am part of and I am as Source. One. Oneness. At One.

So here is the absorption of self in the Beloved. I fall into the Beloved because I am of and one with the Beloved. I lose myself to find myself, in losing my self identity I find who and what I truly am, one with the One Divine Life. I create, because I Am.

This all makes such perfect sense, but at the same time it's blowing me away!

I want to move from theory to practice, to experience. There is a real and genuine hunger within me to move on to new heights, new places, new experiences. Stuff is shifting and happening around me, and I'm both excited, and scared!

The Fires Of Transformation

2008-09-01T22:54:00.000+01:00

I've spoken many times on my blog about my path being a path of transformation. What do I mean by that? Simply, that as I get closer to Source, so I begin to see who and what I truly am. It's like the real me slowly, very slowly, comes into focus. I've described it as Goddess holding a mirror to my face, showing me my true reflection, or as layers of an onion being continually peeled until I reach my true centre, or as the false labels, habits, behavioural and thinking patterns falling away, one at a time. It's like Air blowing away the debris, Fire creating inner alchemy, Water revealing true and authentic emotion and Earth showing me my true roots. It's a continual, powerful process. I've talked of embracing my own inner relationship between Younger, Talking and Higher Self and how this spiritual relationship realises true results. This process has been continuing for me, and this was emphasised at my New Moon ritual on Saturday.

So much is starting to come into my consciousness, I'm becoming aware of so many things that at times it's hard to process. Odd as it may sound, there's so much happening that it almost feels as though nothing is happening, because sometimes it feels as though life stands still. Or rather, it's like I stand still in the middle of life and it's happening around about me, yet within, deeper, calmer more profound things are at work.

What has been hitting me hard, and I mean hard, is this sense, this growing awareness, that I am one with Source, one with the Divine Life. That's a really scary thing for an ex-Christian to say! I do not claim to fully comprehend this, nor do I fully understand it. I am certainly not able to articulate it, but the truth of this is beginning to hit home. As I sit and meditate I am increasing aware of my attention and awareness shifting from seeing myself as 'me' with a little 'm' to Me, part of Source, at one with the Divine Life, I am becoming increasingly aware of my Higher Self, my Greater Self. This sounds so puffed up, and I don't mean it like that at all, as I am claiming nothing other than a sense of truly beginning to become aware of who I am before name and form, before the lies of false attributes were believed. I am returning to myself in a real sense. I am conscious that again I stand at the beginning of another part of the journey. I claim nothing other than being in the starting blocks, once again, about to set off. I'm on the track, but unsure of the destination. It's scary at times.

I know that my connection to my self identity is strong. Hell, I've fought long and hard, what feels like all my life in this incarnation, for the right to be who and what I am. I have struggled, fought, campaigned and lost everything for the right to be seen as a complete individual. Proud to be me, proud to be gay, proud to be free. Now, as I move forward in Spirit, I feel the challenge of seeing this as an illusion, just as all adherence to things, even self, that is filled with self importance and false attachment. It's a powerful challenge, as the ego, this external self, tends to shout, scream and cry for attention. I also struggle because I need to be sure that I am hearing the call correctly, because at times it resonates too powerfully with old Christian teaching. However, as much as I struggle, I know, somewhere within, that the call I hear is true, it is real, and it is not about losing self, it's not about 'dying to self', it's about finding my True Self. I've talked a lot in the past about 'little deaths' and this feels like a logical part of that continual process.

This is a breaking free of all illusion and attachment that has informed my perceived self identity. Labels, interactions, perceptions, dreams, aspirations, ego patterns, demands upon others, expectations. I am suddenly seeing what I think Crowley must have meant when he spoke of being free from 'purpose.' Sometimes I think I think understand, that I might actually have 'got it' and then as soon as I do, it's like I lose the grip once again and it falls, through my fingers, from my hands. May be one never 'gets it' one just keeps walking in the right direction.

This New Moon felt very much like a time of seeing my identification with self beginning to dissolve as I move into a new awareness of my Greater Self. A new process has started. I can claim nothing magnificent, just a deep, a truly deep sense of having moved into a new space. It feels like only a simply forward step, but it also feels very new.

This feels like an ever moving cycle of losing self and finding Self, and as I start to see myself losing my focus on the self I thought I was and believed I was my eyes are opening to my True Self and not only my connection to Source, but the truth that I am of Source, part of the One Divine Life, truly One with The All. Part of me wants to add 'whatever that means' because in truth I don't fully understand or appreciate the enormity of what I am writing, I just know that there is truth here, there is reality here, there is power here and it is here that I will experience the ecstatic embrace of the Divine - " we are all stars".

This sounds so muddled and confused, and in a way it feels like that, but it also feels perfectly clear. In getting closer to Source, the One Divine Life, I am discovering my True Self, and I am that I am, part of The All. Not an observer, not a spectator, not sitting there in awe and wonder, but actually part of it all, one with it all, intrinsically connected, interconnected - at One.

I'm excited, scared, clear, confused, happy, all at the same time!

I'm sure there will be more to follow this, if you can cope with me!

Turning 45!

2008-08-31T23:28:00.001+01:00

Loads to say, especially after a lovely Full Moon Ceremony on Saturday evening, but no time to type it all up this evening, on account of today being my birthday! I've turned 45 today (gulp)! Loads to say about that as well, but it will have to wait!

I will write more tomorrow on these and other things that are happening for me right now.

Thanks for all the comments on the 'materialism' post, lots of comments that I really value. I will respond to them tomorrow as well.

Holding Things Lightly

2008-08-28T21:35:00.000+01:00

My morning meditations have been taking through the issue of materialism this week, through the turning of two tarot cards that warn of this. Taking the message contained within these cards as a starting place for meditation, I have come to see a number of things.

I have felt the challenge of what I actually value, and where I place my personal values. What is it that is of actual worth to me, and why are these things of worth? Where do I place my confidence and trust? Is it in what I do? What I own? Or is it in my intrinsic self and my relationship with Spirit?

The material isn't wrong. I live in this world, in this incarnation, and I am here for a reason. This world, this life, is here to be celebrated and enjoyed. However, just as I walk lightly on the earth, in honour of the Earth Mother, do I also hold material things lightly, or is ownership and the act of possession more important to me?

The material has the potential to block my relationship with Me, and also with Them. It can be one of those guy-ropes that stop the balloon from journeying into free flight. Materialism becomes a problem from the value and worth that I place in things - do I appreciate things, places and even people for who and what they are and their unique and special contribution that they themselves bring, or for what I can personally get from them? Is the value about them, or is it about how I can personally benefit?

This has sent me on a journey of searching my heart, understanding what it is I seek, and why I want it. It's been a journey of moving away from personal ownership and control to an appreciation, a sense of valuing each thing and each person that is important in my life. It's a recognition of the value and worth in everything simply because they are - not for what they offer. It's not about how I benefit from each thing and person, rather it's about the spirit, the gifts, the unique contribution each person and thing brings. It's about celebrating them, not what I receive.

This releases the trap of rivalry, of comparison and jealously and manipulation. It brings value and worth to all, and celebrates the life force in everything. It exposes the danger of attachment and neediness that often results from buying into that which is simply illusion. It nourishes and edifies spirit whilst moving away from the celebration of ego.

Again, another process rather than an event, but following the things that I have been shown this week, I truly am looking at people, things and places in a new way and in a new light.

Standing Tall

2008-08-24T14:50:00.000+01:00

It may seem funny that at 6’4.5” tall the Lord and Lady saw fit today to remind me to stand tall, but this was the case for me today.

Having a significant part of the day to myself, I took myself off to my beloved Glastonbury for a walking meditation. The meditative part of this was severally challenged by the fact that it is still half term. I had momentarily forgotten this but was soon reminded as it seemed that every parent in the south west with a screaming child had decided to take them to Glastonbury! But never mind as I still enjoyed moments of connection.

Sat on the Tor at 0900 this morning was beautiful. Yes, there were many more people there than is usual at this time, and it was noisy, but I was still able to enter into a (albeit brief) meditation. Sat there on the Tor I was so conscious of my place in The All. I use this phrase a lot, I know, but it is something that has come to mean so much to me. As I became aware of my place in The All, the first part of the message ‘Stand Tall’ began to hit home to me. I do not have to bow and scrape before Deity, because I am part of Deity just as Deity is part of me. My connection with The All isn’t something of a academic treatise, it is something of reality, of truth, of value and of power. The wind on my face is an aspect of Goddess, but it is also an aspect of me. Whilst I don’t want to suggest that in this I lose my identity, I had a sense of the boundaries of me blurring and merging with the boundaries of everything else. All connected. Interconnected, interdependent. It’s all about relationship; part of The All, one with All Things, yet uniquely separate. I can’t explain that conundrum at the moment, but in that second, in that brief moment on the Tor this morning, it made sense to me.

So much in life can cause us to walk with our head bowed, to feel that we are ‘less than’. This has been my experience for part of my life and, whilst in my head I may know that this is not true, sometimes that message doesn’t always make it to my heart. Or if it does, somehow my heart and soul need to be reminded at times! Today was one of those days.

I don’t want to write at length about the experiences that may have caused me to feel ‘less than’ as the very last thing I want to do is to create the impression that I am looking for sympathy or that I have my head so firmly stuck in my naval that I can’t see daylight. However, suffice to say that being thrown out of ones home and town, simply for being gay, being thrown out of the Christian church (which, although I am no longer Christian, was a huge and very influential part of my upbringing) for being ‘outed’ as gay, acquiring a disability that although not obvious, made me feel something of a failure, being told by teachers that I would never amount to anything, being bullied etc, etc. I mention these things only to illustrate a point, not to give the impression that I am on a ‘poor me’ trip. These things, which one can walk away from and overcome, can still haunt in the quiet moments, can still cause one to bow ones head, to feel ‘less than’ or ‘not part of’ and this was the message of my time on the Tor; a reminder, but a message nonetheless.

As I saw myself as part of The All, my sense of personal, magickal power was immense. I felt huge! Does that sound weird? I felt so big, as big as the heavens and earth and it felt like nothing was an obstacle. It was a momentary feeling, unfortunately (or perhaps if it continued I would explode) but it was there, I could have leapt from the Tor, convinced that I would land safely, such was the feeling. I just knew that I was part of Everything and that I had no need to excuse, justify, apologise or reason, I just simply had to be. Being me was enough because being Me is Everything. As I am, here and now, in the here and now, for this moment in time and at this moment in time is where and who and what I was intended to be – so it’s a cause for celebration, not depression!

I saw the Fire within me burning as I took a walk around Chalice Well in the biggest downpour of the day! I was soaked, but could have danced around the gardens! I was reminded of a time, a long time ago, when someone said that as they looked at me they saw me as a pillar of fire. That came back to me today, as I have been working with fire. I stood by the Yew Trees in the garden seeing myself as fire and as I did so (this is going to sound so crazy) I felt like a hot air balloon, wanting to fly, pulling and straining to each the highest height, yet held to the ground by loads of guy-ropes. These guy-ropes represented many things, some I describe above, but many of them having the power (if I invest that power in them) to cause me to feel inferior. As I became this pillar of fire, so the ropes began to snap and I was released to continue this journey. I saw that I don’t have to plead and supplicate Deity to release me, because as I stand tall, in my personal magickal power, I release myself. I am given the tools to set myself free.

What is important about this is that it comes from power within, not from human effort. The key, as it has been shown to me, is not to strive or struggle in ones physical, mental, emotional or psychological strength, but to relax into who you were intended to be, before name and form, and just let this happen. I don’t know if that makes any sense at all, but to me it seems and feels so right! Freedom, true spiritual liberation, comes not from human effort, not from obeying rules, not from sticking to dogma (of any kind or nature), not from some kind of inner neurosis, not from subjugation to any kind of hierarchal leadership, but simply from walking into the truth of You.

I know that not all those guy-ropes have been burned away, but I know they can be, as I continue this personal journey to myself. What’s key is that I know the fire to burn them away is mine, the tool has been handed to me. I just have to use it!

Well, I Wasn't Expecting That!

2008-08-22T22:19:00.004+01:00

I was really touched today to find that my blog had been nominated by two fellow bloggers to win an award!

A really big thank you, and an even bigger hug to both The Green Witch and to Hen for both considering this little site of somewhat incomprehensible rambling worthy of such an honour - I really am touched by your kindness, thank you very much.

I set this blog up simply to record my thoughts, feelings and experiences along my spiritual journey and am both amazed and thrilled that other people are now stopping by to read and share my journey with me. It really means a lot. It especially means a lot as recently life events, both planned and otherwise, have kept me away from regular blogging - so thank you for sticking with me through a rather sparse period. I intend to return to my more regular posts in the very near future.

In accepting this award (I fear I'm about to do a Gwyneth Paltrow!!) I agree to post the following rules:

The Rules for those receiving an award are:-

1. The winner can put the logo on their blog
2. Link the person you received the award from
3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs
4. Put links of those blogs on yours
5. Leave a message on the blogs nominated

In anything like this, there are always people one has to leave out, and that pains me. All the blogs I list on my blogroll are more than worthy of a mention, and I wouldn't list them there if they didn't mean something to me. They are there because I value them, the people that write them, and the gems each of them contain. But, I can only nominate 7. In making my nominations I have tried, where possible, to avoid blogs that others have nominated, in an effort to 'share the love' so please don't be upset if I've not nominated you!

So, here, in no particular order, are my 7 nominations:

1. Evoking The Goddess. I love Paul's blog, and I love it for one simple reason: this man clearly loves the Goddess. Paul's blog carries such a passion and love for the Lady that I am inspired each time I read it. I just wish he would post more often! Thank you Paul.

2. Moonroot. I love this blog because I find it inspirational yet rooted and grounded in reality. I love the vibrant energy of this blog, it really seems to carry a real excitement and I find that energising and empowering.

3. Shamrock Witch. I love the way that this blog brings such beautiful pictures of the natural world. I always reminded my connection with and to all things when I visit this blog and what I really enjoy is that the pictures are taken out of love and wonder and this is conveyed so powerfully through this blog. It's a joy to visit.

4. The Sacred Space. This blog has the desire to connect with the Divine as it's centre and this is simply why I love it - it's a blog with a heart.

5. Starweavers Corner. I've been inspired to study and read further by this blog many times, it's a blog that feeds and inspires my curiosity and need to grow, but in a grounded and real way.

6. The Green Witch. Yes, this site has already won an award, but I have to nominate this blog as I am constantly amazed at the energy of TGW! She seems to comment on every blog in the pagan world, and this encouragement and support is something I value dearly. A constant inspiration!

7. Tea, Sympathy and Perfume. Mary's blog is one of such variety, I just love it! I love the poems and other art contained here as they awaken my deeper conscious in very real ways. This blog is written from a genuine heart and a genuine spirit, and this is evident in the writings here.

Please visit these very special places on the web - and all of those I have listed in my Blogroll, as each of them are very special indeed.

Fire

2008-08-19T21:49:00.001+01:00

Today is the first day in a week that I have actually felt something like a human being! I think I must have had something more than a summer cold, as it was awful! My joints and eye sockets ached, I couldn't stop coughing and sneezing - yuck! Awful! Anyway, enough about that, that's not why I'm here and it's not the reason for this blog! I hope I can get back on course!

This week out has provided me with some time for reflection. I've not been off work or anything, but I have had more 'down time' than usual, and this has given the opportunity to at least ponder the things that I felt the Lord and Lady have been saying to me in recent days. I've not been able to do much about it, but I have had the opportunity to really listen to my own inner voice.

Just prior to this bug hitting home my meditations had been leading me to explore the element of fire more deeply. This is something that has been pressing home for some time, and it keeps coming back to me.

Sulis, my patron Goddess, is Goddess of water and of fire, and whilst I find a real, powerful and real connection with water and all that means, I struggle more with the element of fire. I think it's time to confront that and explore that to a more profound level.

Fire is the element of creativity, of transformation, of inner alchemy. Change is all around me and within, it's that natural passage of life, death and rebirth and this is a constant, however, it's also a dynamic thing, a profound thing, and it's something of a journey. It's also bloody uncomfortable at times! Whilst I like to think that I'm open to change, I know that in reality I shirk from it as much as the next person. I like to feel safe, secure and want to know that tomorrow will be like today, like everyone else, but I am finding that the more I embrace my path, the more unlikely that is going to be. Change is here to stay, it's a constant reality!

In my old Christian past the call would be one of "being transformed from glory unto glory" but I don't see my change like that. It's not that I'm reaching some state of holiness or perfection, it's more like I am becoming fully human. As I celebrate my spirituality, as I explore what sometimes feels like a greater separation this with body - spirit - the more I feel able to celebrate being in this body. I don't know if that makes any sense at all!

It's like as I see myself as more clearly living in this vehicle for this incarnation, the more the wonder of this vehicle hits home. I see myself as less of a victim, even though I know my vehicle is frail and prone to fail, I embrace my own personal responsibility, emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually, the whole nine yards.

Somehow it's like seeing my spirit as a fire within, burning from the inside out, burning the lies, the dross, the false things that I have believed and accepted, both about the world and about myself, and this transforming fire is burning, changing, transmuting, transforming, empowering, envisioning and igniting inner belief and passion. This is creativity! It's like Self is being released, but not a restricted self, not an apologetic self, but an empowered self, one who embraces ones spiritual heritage and moves in the power of that.

Fire is the illumination within, it throws light on my inner world as it is the power of inner sight and from this comes wisdom, which is again another form of creativity. Here again is power in that I am able to direct the force of spirit in tune with my will and to cause this to manifest in this world. Here again is responsibility, but here again this empowerment only arrives when I am fully in tune with the All. When I am true to who I am, before name and form, when my will is as Their will because I am assuming my place on the web. Not a whim, not a fancy, not a fluffy off the shelf spell, but being who I truly am.

This speaks to me again of relationship, with the All, with my inner world. I'm pleased to be back where I belong!

I'm Still Here!

2008-08-17T21:57:00.000+01:00

I've had a horrible summer cold since Wednesday that has hit me really rather hard. I got through the working week okay, but at the end of each day I've just been shattered. This weekend I've done little else other than watch DVDs and lay on the sofa! I just wanted to check in and let you know that I've not vanished. Now for another early night!

Let's hope next week sees a return to normality - whatever that is!

Honesty

2008-08-10T14:59:00.002+01:00

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on my blog, which is unusual for me, but then it’s been something of an unusual time. Today I have had time to collect my thoughts and have been on a walking meditation, first to Glastonbury Tor, and then around Chalice Well, two favourite places of mine, and I feel far more centred and at peace as a result. I think this is going to probably turn into one of my classic rambles, so if it makes no sense, I apologise. But then, it’s a blog about my own journey and I feel that I’m just coming out of a time of confusion, so perhaps if it makes no sense it’s pretty reflective of where I’ve been of late! This blog is one that charts the highs and lows of my journey, and the very last thing I want to do is pretend that I’m someone I’m not or that I’m somewhere I’m not. For me, truth, transparency and integrity are key to any spiritual journey that has it’s roots in reality.

Seeing my father in hospital was not so much a shock as something of an awakening. Seeing him sat there, next to his hospital bed, wired up to a monitor somehow jolted me into a deeper sense of the transient nature of this incarnation. Death has been close to me over the past few months, well, many months in fact, in the sense that life, death and rebirth are realities and part of the mystery of my path, however, seeing dad all wired up was like a visual aid to this reality. In very recent years I have lost too many family members, as well as a beloved pet who was my best friend, crazy as that may sound. Here, before me in Yeovil District Hospital, was another testimony to the fact that whilst everything is forever because nothing really dies, the vehicle we use for each incarnation is not. Dad’s ‘vehicle’ was in something of a protest, it was failing, it was frail, yet he was very much alive. Each ‘bleep’ of the machine showed that his heart was working, yet in a sense it worked to foster that relationship between vehicles, whereas the reality I was after was deeper than that. This reality was spirit to spirit connection - this is where I’ve been this past week or so: an overwhelming feeling of wanting to break out of the prison that this vehicle often imposes and an all encompassing desire to leap into the reality of what it actually means to be Me. I’m not sure that sounds terribly pagan, but I’m discovering that this really is the heart of my path. I’m not talking about some pseudo-spiritual naval gazing exercise that is little more than a manipulation of the emotions of the psychologically fragile, but rather a true and dynamic spiritual journey to Myself. The heart of Me.

Somehow, somewhere, there is a balance, a dynamic, powerful, vital and real balance between being alive in this vehicle, and being truly Spirit, truly Me. Somewhere there’s a coming together of the two, some kind of divine relationship, yet at the same time both are separate. Today walking up the Tor was wonderful in a very physical, earthy, grounded sense. Rain was in the air, but it wasn’t really raining, the wind was blowing in my face, even taking my breath away at times. The view was interchanging between dark clouds, mist and heavy rain on the horizon to lovely warming sunny intervals where I could see for miles. I was so aware of every human emotion and the joy and wonder of actually being in this vehicle at this moment in time – in the now. It was lovely, it was great and I felt really alive in this body and my body loved the immediate connection with all that was around me. It was like a celebration of my humanity. Grounded, Earthed, I was part of everything that I could see and touch; I was connected with and to everything, but in a very physical sense and also in a very sexual sense. It was a wonder.

At Chalice Well I stood in my favourite place, between the two Yews. I love this spot as much as the actual Wellhead, as for me it resonates such a powerful energy of the reality of balance, of standing between the worlds, and of my calling to hold this balance in so many different ways. As I stood there I could feel myself falling, and I was falling and spiralling, yet at the same time I knew I was connected to this vast web, the Web Of Life. I could see myself on this Web and knew my part and role on the Web and although it felt like I had no control, I had total control. I had such a sense of connection, of being one with and part of the All. I was nothing, yet Everything, all at the same time, so small, yet huge and vast because I am part of the All, weak, yet so ultimately powerful, because, once again, I am part of the All.

As I walked to the Wellhead my mind was rushing with all these things I do that are simply just reflections of the me that I’ve been moulded to me, and not the me that is truly the me before name and form. Even work, my job, is in so many ways a falsification of type. Even the Bower Hinton Bike Ride that is in so many ways so very important, faded into nothing as I walked to the Wellhead and became simply another guy rope that was holding me back from a real sense of personal freedom. I saw, again, a need for another round of letting go!

Back in Glastonbury town centre I met someone who in reality I only know in a very superficial way, but today we spoke on a deeper level. She asked how I was, and I thought I would answer honestly as opposed to offering the usual socially polite tripe. At one point she said “It often seems like we find ourselves in the same place, but actually each time we find ourselves in a familiar place, we’re actually there needing to go deeper” and for me that was something of a confirmation of where I have been recently. There have been times where it has felt like I’ve been treading water, or going round in circles, and at times this has even caused me to doubt the reality of my spirituality, but actually I’ve been walking a labyrinth of continual initiation, a walk into and our from the heart of Me, the heart of Goddess and God.

Sometimes it feels like a labyrinth of fire, yet fire is the element of transformation. Fire brings freedom, spiritual reality, and power, it brings real and lasting change, it is cleansing, transforming, releasing, renewing, energizing. It brings light to ones path, and it burns away the dross, the rubbish, the clutter and it leaves the finest gold. It’s the element of alchemy, and I think this is the cauldron I’ve been in, in recent weeks!

The challenge now is to move on from here and not procrastinate. A real and magickal work is taking place, and I need to move with it into a new place.

Checking In

2008-08-03T22:16:00.000+01:00

Thank you to everyone who has been offering pagan prayers, thoughts, intentions and healing energy for my father and family. It really does mean a lot to me and I'm touched that so many of you have taken the time to respond - thank you.

Dad was discharged from hospital on Friday evening. He's well enough to be home, but not great. They seem to be clear that he has not had a heart attack, but he seems to have times when his heart and pulse rate just rocket. He's come out with this spray that people use for angina attacks (I forget what it's called) and he has to use that up to 3 times and if that doesn't stop the heart racing he has to call an ambulance. He had to use it yesterday, but seems to have had no need for it today. He also seems to have some memory lapses, but I don't know if they're connected or not.

I just hope that an appointment for the angiogram comes through sooner rather than later, then he, and all of us, can be clear on what's happening and on the way ahead. The stress of having to wait does seem to be having an affect on him, which of course it is bound to have.

I'm okay. I am worried, obviously, and at times all kinds of emotions seem to come to the surface. I would love to say that I'm in a deeply spiritual place over all this, but that would be untrue. I'm hanging in there, and I am aware of being held, but at the same time I am finding it difficult to apply my mind fully to any kind of spiritual practice beyond silent prayer at the moment.

I had a moment of working meditation whilst ironing my shirts for the week this evening! I was aware of being held and of my connection. This sense of my place in and with The All often comes over me when I step into meditation, and this evening was no exception. I was able to send love and healing from this place for a few moments. That was special.

Thanks again to everyone.

My Father

2008-07-30T18:55:00.000+01:00

I would appreciate the pagan prayers, intentions, healing energy and love of anyone who reads or comments on this blog, for my father. He's been taken into hospital with heart problems. Please hold him in your spiritual practice, whatever form that may take.

Thank you.

Fire

2008-07-29T21:48:00.001+01:00

No two people experience the Divine in the same way, each individual's experience is just that - individual. The path I walk, whist others support me and work with me at times, no one can truly walk my path with me. We each of us walk alone in that sense. My relationship with Spirit, with Divine, is my relationship and my life and the way I live it is my own responsibility. Books will support my journey, the experiences of others will teach and guide, magickal theory way well underpin my direction and provide a foundation that I build upon, but beyond all this, beyond theory and dogma I stand naked before Goddess and God.

My true guidance and direction come from my own relationship with the One Divine Life. It is time for me to trust in this relationship and who I am before Goddess and God. The land beneath my feet, the wind that blows in my face, the rain on my body, the aroma that fills my senses, all these things carry the voice and inspiration of Goddess and God. The voice that calls from deep within my own soul, my own true voice, is the voice of the Divine. There is no room and no need for dogma, for scripts and rules, what simply matters is the celebration of true connection with the One Divine Life.

My path is a living path. I am not just a conduit of divine energy, I am a cauldron where all is energy, all is transformation and transmutation. From here, from this living internal reservoir of life, of abundant life, I draw my strength, inspiration and energy. This is the place of Divine Balance, where the energy from my incorporation and assimilation of opposites; of life and death, of dark and light, fuel and energise my daily experience and work to create growth and transformation.

I feel that I am moving from water to fire, from that place of preparation into a place of action, albeit a slow and steady movement forward.

Fire is an element I've struggled with in the past. I'm think I'm about to start a new lesson!

Release

2008-07-24T22:44:00.000+01:00

Life and time have both run away with me these past couple of days, and I don't have that much time now, but I want to check in briefly with my blog to record something that happened in meditation this morning.

I've been drawn to spend more time practising the presence of Goddess and God, as well as meeting with my Guides and animal totems. I guess some would call it pathworking, some would call it journeying, others would call it by a hundred other terms, but for me it's been an exercise in travelling to other realms, both within and without, above and below, with the intention of meeting Deity and Guides.

Today I was pushed for time, and I think I was so mindful that I was pushed for time that things simply didn't work (I learned a valuable lesson here!) but yesterday I had a very special time. One of my Guides is called Sylvia, at least that's what I think she's called, and just as Sulis, my patron Goddess is a Mother Goddess, Sylvia is a mother figure. She is also an ancestor on my mothers side. She's strong but protective, and at one point as I was journeying to meet her I felt her embrace. I had this real sense of her moving toward me and embracing me. This was a fleeting yet powerful moment and as she did this I felt a real emotive response within me. I filled with tears and really wanted to cry because the embrace was free from all agenda. There was no ulterior motive in this embrace, it was an embrace of unconditional love with total unconditional positive regard. It was an embrace of acceptance for who I am and a real sense of pleasure for who I am. It was lovely, a truly lovely moment.

I struggle with journeying like this because of the control issues I have spoken of in other entries - I find it difficult to let go. But, it is something that I want to work with and deepen. I am conscious of the call to deepen my relationship with Deity and practising the presence of the Lord and Lady, and my Guides is key to establishing not just a cognitive relationship, but one that has true meaningful depth.

Knowing, Feeling, Being

2008-07-22T21:49:00.001+01:00

Three words came to me very strongly in my meditation this morning:

"Knowing, feeling, being"

Knowing in terms of knowing my relationship with Deity and truly experiencing that relationship in a real and profound way. In knowing Deity I discover myself, my true self, and my own true will. In that relationship I know Goddess and I know God, it's a relationship that is dynamic, personal, deep and meaningful. In knowing Goddess and God the mysteries become known to me, as They reveal them. The elements bind me to Goddess and God and I begin to know Them as They know me - it's a mutual relationship.

Knowing in terms of knowing my Guides (I have 2 that I am aware of) and my animal guides (I have 3 that I am aware of). I saw a picture of myself with my animal guides this morning, and I have a closer awareness of them being with me as a result of this, but again this is something that I want to be real. Here too is a relationship, an experience, that I want to nurture, grow and develop. I know the things my Guides, and animal guides want to bring, their qualities, but this is an area where I struggle a little because I am conscious that it sounds 'fluffy' and I don't want it to be that way. I hunger after spiritual reality above all else.

Feeling in terms of feeling my own true emotions. One thing working with Sulis has shown me is the fact that it's so easy to carry thoughts, feelings, reactions and emotions that do not belong to me. I am now able to place them where they truly belong, and not drag them around with me like some dead weight over my shoulder. Feelings in terms of daring to feel, to really feel and experience emotion as a man. To truly know what it means and what it feels like to be human, yet at the same time know and truly feel what it feels like to be a magickal being. To glory in my humanity and to celebrate my spirituality, and the totality of the one and the both. Feeling in terms of touching and experiencing this world, the wonder of it and the wonder of all things in it, and the relationship of all things. To know and to feel that I am part of The All. Not a spectator, not an observer, but an integral part, and to feel the wonder and amazement of that. To be free to feel.

Being in terms of being who I truly am, before name and form. To truly be free to be me, to dare to be me, to step into me and the wonder of me - to celebrate Me! Being in terms of laying down drives, purpose, effort and striving and to relax and sink into being. To let everything else fade away as the wonder and joy of being washes over and through me. To fall into the arms of Goddess and to allow myself to be held, not to resist, not to struggle, but to accept Her embrace and not fight it. Being in terms of knowing that being me is okay - without excuses and without justification. Just being is enough, in fact it's more than enough!

As these three words, with their simplicity and yet at the same time their enormity washed over me I was conscious of the phrase "I am your Child." I am a Child of the Goddess, and of the God, their Child, and they are my First Parents. I am as a Child, but not childish, experiencing the joy and wonder of knowing, of feeling, of being and of entering into the relationship that brings these wonders.

This is true connection with the One Divine Life - the joy of that intimate relationship.

Inner Temple

2008-07-21T22:00:00.001+01:00

"How come you're so calm all the time?" someone said to me today "why don't you get angry [about this] I just can't get over how calm you are!" It's true, the issue she was mentioning has been raising high emotion at work, and has done for about a week, but somehow I have been able to address the situation from a place of calm, a place of peace, which has amazed even me! I do show emotion, and I do get angry, but somehow in this particular situation at this particular moment in time I've been able to draw on an inner resource of calm and peace and have remained pretty unflustered. This is a particularly good sign for me and one that I'm really pleased about. It's progress!

This inner place of peace, of security and safety is one that I have been building of late. It's like my Inner Temple, not a place of retreat, as such, as it's not a place of hiding, but a place of operation - but one that is unaffected by external stimuli. It's a place from where I can face the storm, even enter into the storm, but a place in which I am protected, a place of being held. I would like to be able to say that this place is somewhere I constantly remain, but that would be a lie! All too often I step out of this wonderful place of connection, and as soon as I do so, I know it! However, it's somewhere I am learning to live more often these days. This is the place of trust in the Divine and in my connection with the One Divine Life. This Inner Temple, in this sense, isn't so much a place, but an outworking of my relationship with the One Divine Life and of an innate trust in myself that flows from the wonder of this relationship.

Flowing from this I saw this morning that I can lay my angst, stress and worry down. The deeper I enter into the wonder of this relationship the less I need to operate from fear and anxiety and the more I can move into trust, both of Goddess, and of myself. The key is the wonder of relationship with Deity.

It's a choice, and it's also a shift of perspective. I can view my situation, my life and my future with limited vision, or with moonlight eyes. I can allow the Lord and Lady to show me all that is possible, or I can remain limited to human effort. I can travel beyond the limitation of this body and connect with the Universal Consciousness (and this I see as my Guides, my Ancestors, those and the energies of those who have gone before and the Lord and Lady). My consciousness can extend way beyond the limitations of this sensory world and therefore my perception of whatever it is that is facing me can shift. I can choose to shift my view, my perception and therefore my experience.

I turned the Sun card this morning and my mind was taken to the heat of midsummer, the heat of the Sun God. How he energizes all life, the life spark, the catalyst. There was a lizard on the card, and the sun provides them with energy, and there is a legend that the sun of the morning gives lizards their sight for the day as they are blind without it. I look to this energy, to the Sun God, to Deity, to The One Divine Life, for this special sight, this inner sight, for true inner vision.

Naked

2008-07-17T21:42:00.001+01:00

I saw today that my need to control is like putting on a suit of armour - it's a protection. As well as concealing the wounds inflicted at various stages of my life through various methods and means, it enables me to hide. However, as well as providing protection this suit of armour keeps others out. It also limits energy flow, it hinders spiritual growth because I don't stand naked before the Lord and Lady and as a result, it's not the full me, the complete me, the true me, that I present before them.

This armour also works to hinder my vision, it restricts my view. It only allows me to see straight ahead, as through a tunnel, missing those subtle, gentle things that take place on the periphery. A brief journey this morning took me through a field, but the grass was high, I couldn't see over it - yet there was a path through this field. I came to a stream and there was no way over, yet a little further along, there was a bridge that provided safe passage. Each difficult moment had a solution in the Now, at the moment it was needed. I'm never alone.

In their kind replies to recent posts, Paul spoke about letting Goddess take one by the hand as one steps into the dark, and this describes my feelings of the moment perfectly. Shepton Witch spoke about trusting in ones self and ones personal relationship with the Divine as being the most important thing, and again, this describes perfectly the place I find myself. I know that, once again, it's time to step into the dark, to embark on another phase, another part of my spiritual journey with the Lord and Lady, and this phase is about a challenge of my trust, both in myself, and of the One Divine Life. It's a stepping into the darkness, a kind of abandonment to the Lord and Lady, taking my hands off the steering wheel and allowing Them to lead, guide, direct and show the way. A shedding of the doubts and fears that are associated with the senses and the temporal, and an embracing of perfect love and perfect trust. It all sounds so easy, doesn't it?!? I think here is another process, rather than an event. Perhaps it's a series of 'little events', just as there are a series of 'little deaths' that together combine to make the spiritual journey just that, a journey, a path that has to be travelled.

The process that lies before me has been one that has been gently building over recent weeks and in many ways it's a process that has already begun. It's about taking each piece of armour off, piece by piece, examining it, understanding it, appreciating why it is there, but then setting it down. Taking it off and leaving it off, until I stand, truly naked, before Goddess and God - and in this nakedness is my true wholeness. Standing stripped of everything that I have built around me as a source of projection I find completeness and freedom.

The Death Of Control

2008-07-16T22:10:00.002+01:00

I spent some time this morning in meditation, exploring the return of the Death card. Before long I realised that I was trying to reenact the experience of yesterday as opposed to simply 'being' and moving with the movement of spirit, both within, and without. As I noticed this I became aware of the thing that needs to die - control. I like to control my emotions, my environment and myself, I am always in control of me and this has it's root in fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of hurt - fear of death. Self preservation, although very natural reactions and inclinations, has resulted in me being a master of personal control, and this control can lead to a stilted spiritual life. Hard to go with the flow, hard to move with fluidity when one is also trying to exercise such control.

And then came greater confirmation, I asked for guidance and direction on this (probably because I want to do a little living now . . . I've had enough of dying!!) and I turned the 2 of Discs, a card that talks of the power of the Ace being polarised, a card of movement, a card of fluidity, a card that speaks of moving with the ebb and flow of the tides, of spirit. This card reinforces the message of change, but it also talks about flowing with that change, being comfortable and secure enough to go with it, as opposed to resisting and fighting the change.

Some of this is quite hard to take, as I've been in control of me for the past 45 years! The need for safety and security have informed a lot of my life decisions, as I guess they have many of us, so this is tough stuff. So many life events have taken place during my brief time in this incarnation that have threatened my existence and this has resulted in my perfecting the art of control. This isn't so much about manipulation, although I can see some of that in there at times, but purely about survival. But this survival mode has had the effect of snuffing out my own sense of self, my own faith and trust in myself and my ability to truly unwind, relax and enjoy the moment and ultimately, denied me the ability to 'go with the flow' of Spirit. To do these things is to relinquish control, to relinquish control is to feel unsafe, insecure, exposed and vulnerable but not to do these things is to miss the subtle and gentle nudges of Spirit.

This is deep stuff!

The past months have seen the Lord and Lady peel back layer upon layer, until I've been laid bare before them, and recent weeks have seen giant strides forward, but here I feel is the next lesson. Can I trust enough to let go? Can I trust me enough to let go? This is also about accepting, embracing, trusting and loving myself as I am, and thus negating the need, or the power, of approval from others.

I know that I have to stop treading water and take this next step and relax into the Now, relax into being, as Shepton Witch said and relax into my place on the Web of Life, within the Tree of Life and into that wonder of my relationship with the Divine. On one level, I have done this, and now it is though I need to let go of that final thing, or jump that final hurdle, or navigate this latest twist and turn in the continual cycle of initiation.

This is a thing of trust, of trust in me and of trust in the Lord and Lady and I didn't realise just how hard it is for me to trust - I am more cynical than I realised!

After setting my intention to meet the Lady, I had a picture of myself on a beech, waiting to meet Goddess. She opened her arms, and whilst looking back I could see the beech, all that I knew and understood, to move into her was to move into darkness. It wasn't all light and wonder, it was dark and unknown. Beyond her open arms it was black. I was being asked to take a step of faith, a step of trust, and a step in which I need to hand my control over to Her.

This is my next 'little death.'

From The Inside, Out!

2008-07-14T21:47:00.002+01:00

It was lovely to be back in my Temple Room and back into my morning spiritual practice. I didn't have that much time, just 30 minutes, but it was so good to be able to move in the presence of the Lord and Lady and to be able to feel the touch of My Guides and animal spirits. It was like coming home after some time away, a real joy to be back in warm, familiar company.

I will confess to an audible laugh when I turned 3 Tarot cards this morning. I had asked Deity for guidance on my future, for direction, for steps to take on my path toward spiritual depth revelation, and what card did I turn again? Yep, the Death card! I had to chuckle, as well groan! I thought: "haven't I done enough dying?" evidently the answer is a resounding no! As I turned the other cards they spoke of moving forward in my tradition and moving deeper into intuition, a need to hear my own inner voice above that of the hundred other voices that clamour for attention.

This was an important morning. I called to the Lord and Lady, asking for their guidance. I also called to my Guides and totems, because I needed to hear their voice. In recent months I feel that I've travelled over a very large distance, growing as taught directly by Spirit, but this morning I felt as though I had been brought back to the start once more. Clearly there is a lesson that I am not learning, there is something that I need to learn, or at least, there is something that needs to travel to a far deeper level.

I began to see the lesson that I need to learn. I saw that whilst intellect supports my path, it isn't my path. The part of me that needs to analyse everything, understand everything, know everything, simply works to feed my chattering mind. It keeps me bound to that which holds me back, it feeds the mind only. The greatest spiritual discovery comes not from a text book, not from a blog, but from my own relationship with the Divine. The communion of Spirit with spirit. Yes, the words, traditions and experiences of others are vitally important, and my path is based upon a sound tradition and the knowledge of others feeds and nourishes my own progress and development, but there is much more than that. The heart, the centre, is my own spiritual relationship and interconnection with all things. My confidence needs to be in my own spiritual connection and the revelation that emanates from that dynamic connection.

I mistrust my own experience at times because of the criticism of others and because of my own lack of confidence in myself. I am apt to put myself down. This morning I saw that I need to have a greater confidence in my own experience and develop a trust in the gifts that I have. Believing in my intuition, believing in my own spiritual heritage, and trusting my own experience of the Divine. To put myself down is to deny Their faith in me.

This is a continuance of letting go of the false labels that have been attributed to me in the mundane world, but I also saw that whilst I am free of those things, I've been given the tools to set myself free. This is a work that comes from within, a work that results from me using the gifts I have been given - a spiritual empowerment that works from the inside, out. It's time I believed in me as much as the Lord and Lady believe in me!

I felt the call of the Lord and Lady, asking me to deeper my connection with them, and also with my Guides and totems. A time of journeying to meet them on a deeper level awaits, to build upon this relationship and to experience them. I saw one of my Guides, just briefly this morning, and I was dancing with her, but I was a child, a free child. I've always sensed this Guide as a Mother figure, and I saw her as such this morning. All of this seems to speak to me of walking away from fear - one of my biggest hurdles, and moving into this relationship of trust that means trust self as much as the Divine.

What A Week

2008-07-11T21:42:00.001+01:00

What a week it's been! Following my lovely week of annual leave, this week I have been thrust back into a working week that was 'full on' in every sense of the word. Not only has there been the usual work that needs to be done, there's work resulting from significant organisational change, work resulting from local change and work resulting from the forthcoming Local Government strike. The planning that it takes to ensure live and limb cover continues to be provided to vulnerable adults is both stressful and time consuming. Work that nobody sees or appreciates, so it's been a tough and tiring week and one that has had me starting early and finishing later, resulting, pretty much, to a week away from the blog, unfortunately.

Together with all of this, work is starting in earnest in relation to organising the Bower Hinton Bike Ride. It never ceases to amaze me just how much work a one day annual event takes!

What has been wonderful, considering all of the above, is that although my spiritual practice has taken something of a backseat this week, I have not felt a sense of distance between myself and Spirit at all. Far from it, I've been aware of that real relationship, and following the revelations and events of last week, I've been in a place where I can move into (walking)meditation far more easily and meaningfully during the working day. I've noticed that my spiritual awareness of time and situation is also more acute, and meaningful, resulting in an intuition that is more keen than it has been, which has been a personal desire of mine for some time. I've been able to see beyond that which is immediately presenting itself to me - not all of the time, but more of the time than usual. This is a real joy to me.

I've been aware of a sense of my place in things, and of the 'bigger picture' above and beyond that of the day to day mundane things. That's not to demean those things, but somehow I had a sense of them for what they really are - stepping stones and not the destination itself, but each being a mini-destination and carrying a special and unique significance. Everything is part of the journey and therefore special and important, but not an end in itself. Somehow I feel less 'stuck' than I have been feeling recently because that sense of movement and flow is increasing.

So in a sense, it feels that this week, in spite of all the rush and frenetic activity, has been something of a time of consolidation. It's like I've been walking through a glade, following the heat and intensity of last week, ready for a new and fresh beginning in the week ahead. It feels gentle, but powerful at the same time.

Illusion

2008-07-06T16:01:00.002+01:00

The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says: “It's a girl”.

Says Shirley Chisholm, and I agree with her. With the label comes the expectations, with the expectations comes the enforced limitations, the glass ceiling, the mapped out future, the expected behaviour, and people will interact according to those labels eventually, in time, the woman will respond to those labels according to type, reinforcing and confirming the stereotype. It’s not just true for women; it’s true for all groups who are pigeon-holed, stereotyped and labelled. In fact, it’s true for all of us. No matter who we are, we have lived in this world for some time and during that time so much will have been placed upon us in psychological terms as well as in emotional, sexual, social and spiritual terms. Those expectations, those imperatives have always been there and they are so hard to escape. They cause us to adapt, to respond accordingly, and as such the process of losing connection with who we really are has its beginning with our physical birth.

I don’t know if this ramble has it’s roots in Paganism or not and as such it’s something that once upon a time I would not have made public for fear of recrimination, but right now I simply don’t care! This has been a week of powerful revelation for me, and this ramble is key to all that I feel has been made clear. Well, it’s clear to me at least!

A phrase that I have used many times since first hearing it is a call to return to “who we were, before name and form.” It struck me the first time I heard it and it’s remained with me ever since. This week it seems to have come home to me in a powerfully clear way. For me, to be who I am before name and form links and overlaps with ‘know thyself.’ This is another phrase that is oft repeated, but what does it actually mean? Is this is call to psychological self awareness? A kind of self actualisation or individuation, or is it something far deeper and more profound than that? I am convinced, after my experiences of this week, that is something far deeper.

I’ve discovered that to be who I was, before name and form, is to journey back and to embrace the true Me, my True Self, and my True Self is free from labels, free from purpose, free from expectation, free from responses, free from inter and intra-actions, free from all those things that cause me to be who I think I should be because others, because situations, because circumstances, tell me that is who I am.

I’ve seen that it’s not about what I do, it’s not about my responses, my needs, my goals, my aspirations, my concerns, my worries, it’s about ME. Anything that is a response is not me, not the true me, it’s a reaction or an intra-action, these things do not define me because the things that cause those said responses often originate from a person with an agenda, or they come from a situation that has the result of placing expectation and duty upon me. The most altruistic of people will have an agenda, and they also have an opinion or an expectation of me – and this triggers a response according to type and when I respond in this way I am not responding from who I really am, I am responding from who I think they think I am. A game springs into motion that has the result of further alienating me from me.

This week I have journeyed back, or within, and have begun to see those labels, those attributes that are not of me, but are born of the expectations and demands of others, or of systems, such as the world of work, or education, all those things that work to breed conformity and control and compliance. Those things that lock one into the mundane and have the effect of sealing off the True Self. All of this keys in with so much that has been happening for me in recent weeks, and all that has been reflected here in my blog. This is a continuation of a process, a process of discovery of Self in Spirit and of coming of spiritual age.

Looking out from the Tor this morning I saw a field of sheep. The sheep thought that they were free, and in a way they were. They had each other, they had food, they had all they needed – but they were contained and constrained. They were fenced in and they were under control. Soon, these beautiful, sentient beings will be slaughtered and served up as Lamb Shank at the bidding of some human being. The freedom that the sheep think they have is an illusion.

True freedom comes from breaking out of the illusion, out of the control of others and from a real embracing of our True Selves – our spiritual Self. It’s about the embracing of our Birthright, our true connection to Nature, our true connection of the Celestial, it’s from seeing ourselves free from purpose, free from any sense of external or internalised control and from seeing the truth of who we really are – Children of the One Divine Life and true Divine Magickal Beings.

At the centre is me and at the centre is you because we are of Spirit. The rest is illusion, the rest are simply hooks that cause us to respond, when the key is to be. This is all part of the continual process of initiation, that continual walk of the labyrinth, moving in and out in continual motion.

From that place of being, anything is possible. As for me, I know that I am at the starting blocks, I’m no expert at all, but I know that this is a new beginning and it’s exciting.

Liberation

2008-07-03T17:51:00.001+01:00

I treated myself to another day in Glastonbury today. People will think that I was crazy, spending so much of my leave in the one place, but I truly love the place and its energy and am just so happy chilling there. I've also spent far too much money, but hey ho.

I can't believe that I was lying on the Tor in wonderful sunshine this morning! It's pouring heavy rain now, but this morning the skies were blue and the sun was terrific and I was looking at amazing views like this (not my photo):

Meditating at the Tor, and at the Chalice Well Wellhead later I heard Goddess say "At the centre is you". This confused me for a while, because in my mind I have always thought that at the centre is Goddess - is Spirit, but the more I meditated on these words the more I came to realise that at the centre is me, because I too, am Spirit. I am Spirit choosing to live in this body in the here and now. I am Spirit and I am of Spirit, and Goddess is also at the centre, because She is in me and of me, and I am in her, and of her, and in that sense there again is the sacred Oneness, the interconnectedness, the sacred unity, the sacred relationship. I am bound to Her, yet also free, because she brings freedom.

I saw that my path is a journey, and this journey is a journey to the real me - the free me. I saw myself walking the labyrinth of life, and at the centre of the labyrinth was me.

again, this confused me, because I expected to find Goddess at the centre of the labyrinth, and indeed have done when I have made this journey before, but this time, it was me, in a place of freedom and release, a place, it felt, with Higher Self manifested, a place of initiation.

I worry about parapsychology and I have never wanted my path to be some kind of spiritualised psychology, because one can know oneself without any spiritual intervention. I have had counselling and I have trained and qualified as a counsellor, but this journey showed me something far more powerful that any kind of self awareness or self actualisation of the psychological kind. This was about seeing me in Spirit. Having a glimpse of myself as seen by the Lord and Lady, in that place of true freedom.

I know myself well, and sometimes my level of self awareness, and intuition generally, scares me, but this was something else - I was seeing myself as no one else ever has, because all the defences, those things we need to survive this life, were all gone. I was welcoming the light, not hiding, not pretending, not putting on a show, just free and able to be me. It was a special place and a place I want to be able to access again.

In bringing something of this into my everyday reality I think it's about starting to respect how I talk of myself and to myself. How often do I say things like "idiot" or "stupid" or treat myself with frustration and anger, when in reality, in doing this, I am denying my birthright and who I truly am. This is about a deeper sense of self love, and not a self rejection. Not just an acceptance of who I truly am, but a real sense of taking joy in who I truly am. This is the reality of "know thyself" - seeing oneself free from the effects and the necessary accoutrements gathered from living this life.

So, again, it's about believing, believing who and what I truly am, from the perspective of the One Divine Life, not from the reflections of others, or more importantly, not from my own intra-actions. I am a Magickal Being, and that's not about ego, not at all, and it's deeper than some kind of 'mind over matter' self belief, it's much more than that. It's about accepting the word of the Lord and Lady and acting in accord with their word.

Belly Full Of Joy!

2008-07-02T17:02:00.001+01:00

I'm taking this week as annual leave, and it's lovely! Just so good to be out of the rat race for a week and feeling able to do those things that I really want to do. As Glastonbury is one of my favourite places in all the world, that's where I've been. Taking breakfast there, walking up the Tor or around Chalice Well, visiting my favourite shops, just chilling, it's been great. It's wonderful to be out of my usual routine, I'm not even doing my 'morning meditations' as I'm able to meditate at the Wellhead or on the Tor, just wonderful.

I had a lovely walking meditation/pagan prayer time today. At the top of the Tor I faced each of the cardinal points and called to Fire, Water, Earth and Air in turn, just quietly and internally, no pomp, no showing off, just a need to connect and communicate. As I called the elements in, I had this overwhelming sense of joy that was so enveloping, it was wonderful. I knew that I was a part of all I could see, and that all I could see was a part of me, the oneness, the interconnectedness was just so tangible and real. It wasn't something on the page of a pagan book, or on someone's blog, and it wasn't something on my blog, it was real and I could feel it and I knew it. I had this real powerful sense of seeing beyond the image of nature into what it really was, the revelation and manifestation of the Divine, and more than that, I was of earth and of spirit. I such a strong sense of my roots in the watery and dark underworld, my trunk in this world and my branches high in the Celestial heavens. At the same time I was aware of how easily I connect with the Underworld and how I struggle more with the celestial realm. I noted that and put it away for later!

This sense of being, this sense of joy and wonder filled my belly and flowed out of me, and I walked down the Tor, in the pouring rain, singing:

"I am the Goddess
I am the Mother
All acts of love and pleasure
Are my rituals"

over and over and over, I must have sung it non-stop for about 20 minutes! I didn't care who walked by, or who I passed, I just smiled and carried on singing! Each verse I took up an octave, and when I reached the top, I started bring it down an octave, and I sang and sang and sang! It was wonderful! As I sang, so the energy rose and I lifted my arms to both receive this energy and to send it back out to people close to me who need healing right now. My family who have lost their Aunt, my friend John in hospital and my father who has to have a medical examination on Friday. I felt this flow, and it was amazing in its intensity. I danced down the hill!

The rain didn't deter me one iota, in fact it was lovely rain! I went on in to Chalice Well and stood for some between the Yew Trees. This is a powerful place for me as it keys into my sense of balance, of standing between. Again I lifted my arms and sent this energy for the highest good to all who are on my mind. Then I walked on the Wellhead.

At the Wellhead I called to the Lady of the Well, and She said She Is and I Am. She is all things, She is the mighty ocean, and also the single droplet of water, She is the rolling forests and the single blade of grass. She is the powerful wind that was blowing around the Tor and the gentle breeze that embraces me and the breath flowing from my mouth. She is the blazing light from the Sun and the gentle light falling through the meadow, She is All Things and Of All Things. And I Am. I Am in Goddess, and Goddess is in me, we are of each other, connected, in perfect synergy. I am held by Her, cradled in Her hands, and yet I am of the hands that hold me. All is One and One is All. This is the power of relationship, this is Divine relationship - all things are Divine and we are all Stars. We are of the multiverse, part of the mystery. The wonder, power, love and mystery of this is beyond words - one just has to dance and the joy and wonder of this truth!

I then sang my way back to the High Street, sat in the wonderful Galatea restaurant and looked out of the window, beaming for about an hour! People must have thought I was either mad, or coming on to them!!

Who cares?!?

What a lovely day! I'll probably do it all over again tomorrow!

Glastonbury Festival 2008

2008-06-30T11:38:00.012+01:00

A little break from my usual spiritual and incoherent ramblings for a little resume of my time at Glastonbury 2008. Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't brave enough to pitch my tent for the entire weekend, no, I was a local lightweight, and I went on a Sunday ticket! One of the great things about living close to Glastonbury is that one can take advantage of the festival buses that take us locals to the festival just for the day. I had 14 wonderful hours there, and it was great!

So here I am, your sensible host for this mini tour of the festival! As you can see, I am indeed the sensible and somewhat deep person who usually writes on this blog! Haha! If you ever doubted I had the ability to chill and let my hair down, this picture, I am sure, will remove any doubt!

One of the things that I love about Glastonbury Festival is the stuff that happens away from the main stages. I enjoy some of the music, but the Healing and Green Fields are where one will find the heart of the festival, in my opinion. It's worth going just to experience the energy of these fields.

In the Healing Field was this wonderful man who ran a 'laughter workshop' and it was just great! He took us through belly, chest, and head laughter, through to rolling on the floor laughing, devotional laughter and lots of other kinds! This brief video I have made shows you the part where people had to lay on the ground with their head on someone's stomach, and 'feel' the laughter, which of course spread the laughter along the line! I dare you to watch this and not laugh!

As I said, one of the things I love about the festival is the impromptu things that happen. One can be just walking along when suddenly something just 'happens' that one could never have planned or envisaged! One of the highlights for me in this respect for me was The Pink Band.

This isn't the best of pictures, but hopefully it captures something of the moment. The Pink Band were this bunch of extraordinary talented people who just appeared, playing brass music with gusto and, as you can see, just got the crowd dancing, no matter where they appeared! They just threw their heart and soul into their music and the cheers from the audience showed just how much we all appreciated it. Wonderful stuff!

As well as just happening by a band of people dressed in pink and performing an assortment of brass music, one may just happen upon three mermaids. All perfectly normal at Glastonbury Festival!

Of course it's the toilets that grab a large number of the headlines at Glastonbury Festival, and this picture really makes me laugh! Some of the toilets have no roof (probably to let the smell out!) but they also have no 'bottoms' as it were, so one can see rows of feet, as people are getting busy with what comes naturally! So funny!

The festival is wonderful experience for loads of reasons. It has a special energy, and in an odd way this picture of the flags sums something of that up. People, all different, yet going in the same direction, going with the flow, being themselves, respecting each other, showing their true colours, no personal agendas, just happy 'being'. I love it.

Musically, one of the highlights for me this year was the irrepressible Eddy Grant. Again, we just happened upon him. Nothing planned, we were just walking past the Jazz Stage and there he was, and he was brilliant! I think I must have danced, non-stop, for about an hour! I danced with these good people - no idea who they are, never seen them before, I'll probably never see them again, but they were great fun!

And The Green Man watched over all these proceedings, with a huge smile on his face as humanity simply had fun together and revelled in being together.

What a great way to spend 14 hours! I can't begin to explain just how quickly those hours shot by. One would be forgiven for thinking that there must have been 'down time' or 'bored time' within those hours, but no, not a bit of it! I was on the go the whole time and it seemed that no sooner were we being bussed in that it was time to be bussed out!

Quite amazing!

Garden Pictures

2008-06-28T18:02:00.008+01:00

I've been out in my garden with my camera today, taking pictures as so many plants are looking just lovely. The gentle sun, the shadows, the various colours and shades of the leaves contrasting with each other are wonderful. I can't help but smile as I look and see, even in my little garden, the wonder of the divine manifest. On some level it seem so trite, so passe, to say that everything is connected, yet there are times when that sense of connection is just so powerful that I have to stop and pay attention. It's like being arrested by the wonder of it all, the magnificence.

I just love the contrast here of the Acer leaves against the bamboo, just incredible. The sun peeping through the bamboo is so lovely, and the sound of bamboo leaves brushing against each other in the breeze is beautiful.

This little beauty was a gift from the Goddess, nothing to do with me whatsoever! It just appeared and flowered like crazy!

An alpine Geranium in flower, and spreading over the garden! This works to remind me that no matter how hard I may try, the force of nature can never really be controlled! Wild, unpredictable and awesome - even in the back garden!

Hydrangea Petiolaris, looking delicate and beautiful.

And this is my lovely laurel tree, in flower and looking gorgeous, and the aroma is divine. So, it sets my hayfever off and I sneeze like a mad thing, what the hell, it's beautiful!

Now I need to get packing as I'm at Glastonbury festival tomorrow. One of the joys of living locally is that us lightweights can go for the day! It's great! We get bussed in and out, and have about 14 hours there, wonderful! I love the Healing Fields, The Green Fields as well as the music, Glastonbury Festival really is about much more than the music, it's a holistic treat, it really is. I can't wait!

I'll post again when I've recovered!