Singing In The Pub! (Not The Rain!)

Thanks for the positive comments of 'good luck' and 'break a leg' for the act last night. As you will hopefully see from these pictures, we had a good time! I've been rehearsing these songs (in the car driving to and from work!) for about 2 months, but this was the first time I'd actually sung them with a mic! But it went well. There were other acts, but my partner had given up working the camera fairly early on in proceedings! Everyone who performed last night were really very good and John, who was singing some Irish Folk Music, was determined to perform, even though he's not very well at the moment. The pub was packed, which was great to see, and it really was a fun night - once I got past my stage nerves!


The point of the evening was about raising money for Orchid and to promote the Bower Hinton Bike Ride. I think we've just tipped the £1, 000 mark, and we aim to raise £5, 000 by the day of the bike ride, which is September 7. Orchid fund research and promote awareness of male cancer, which is seldom spoken of, as men are not the best at talking about these things - hence the need to events like this!

Thanks for your support everyone - it's really very much appreciated!


I think Andrew came out and enjoyed himself for the evening!

Undeserving

The following is some incoherent ramblings from my Psychic Artist reading today. It's all rather random, but I've written it just as it comes before I forget it all and I'm not going to edit it as it needs to be just as it is!

From the reading I had to today, coupled with the work that I have been undertaking in recent weeks, I'm seeing that the core issue with my Younger Self is that he feels undeserving. Andrew does not believe that he has a right to receive good things. This makes him hungry for things he seeks outside of himself, because he desperately feels he needs those things, but when they come, in whatever form, he does not believe he deserves them. Andrew struggles to receive because he does not feel worthy to receive. Christian indoctrination from the past, mixed with abuses from others through the years have created something of an emotional and psychological roller coaster ride that have left Andrew believing that he needs to give, give and give again of himself in order to gain some kind of worth. This has eroded his sense of personal identity, his sense of validity - my sense of my Own True Will.

There is a powerful work of reclaiming that needs to take place, a real and genuine space clearing, a moving into a new realm of being, one that asserts my right to be because I am part of All That Is. I need no excuses, I need make no apology, I need not excuse myself because I have a right to be who I am and I am innocent. I am me, with a right to be. As Malcolm X once said:

"We declare our right on this earth . . . "

and I have a right to move into my full birthright. I don't have to earn it, I don't have to deserve it, I simply have to accept it - accept the gift because of who I am, not what I think I should be or what anyone else tells me I should be. This declaration of birthright comes not from a neurotic angst driven determination, but from a place of quiet, still, contemplative assurance in who I am, what I am, my place on the Web and my Own True Will.

This is frustrating in a way, because it's stuff that I know and have known for years - but somehow it's falling into place in a more powerful way that before. It's like it's taking on a new resonance, a new power - it all seems fresh and living in a way that it hasn't before.

Freedom is a big thing for Andrew, having felt caged most of his life by rules and regulations, by the expectations and demands of others. A cry for freedom that has led to some serious dead ends, but a freedom that again already exists within. It's all found within.

There is also a sense of awareness, of intuition, gifts that are mine and that I need to walk into to a far deeper level that I have thus far. This will bring secret knowledge and the ability to work on a deep soul level with both self and others.

I long for direction and I need to start sending out my own vibrations from my place on the Web. I need to stick my neck and chin out and make some waves. My destiny is in my own hands and although I need to know my calling and sense of that there is also something about creating my own reality through the assertion of my Own True Will. I need to start making things happen as opposed to waiting for everything to come falling into my lap. As I work from a place of my Own True Will, that place of personal clarity, then things will start to happen, things will begin to move forward.

Andrew needs the nurture and love that my family member Guide will bring. I think her name is Sylvia, but I have no reason why I think that. She brings wisdom, love, protection, assurance and teaches and leads, but she also expects Andrew to grow, respond and move into all that he is learning. Andrew can come out of the shadows into the light through that process of transformation, one phase of transition following another, each 'little death' leading to another new birth which is the continual process of initiation. I must walk through the open door, and it is an open door, from this phase of my development into my new place, my new level, my new place of initiation.

it's a trust thing. Me (Talking Self) the one who is typing this, needs to parent and befriend Andrew (Younger Self) so he feels confident enough to step out into this new world. It is a trust thing, it is a confidence thing - courage is required, but courage that is based on the fact that I am held in a place of love by the Divine and that Andrew will be looked after. He is also needed for who and what he is - his innate gifts are needed.

Procrastination is over, it's time to move forward. Not in a sense of making things happen out of human activity, nervous anxiety or neurosis, but from vibrating my place on the Web, making my spiritual presence felt and moving into the good and positive things that are going to open up as a result.

Growing Pains

It's been one of those cleaning the house, doing the laundry and DIY days, so spare time has been something of a premium today. However, I found some time for meditation and I turned the 4 of Discs in a brief moment with the tarot.

The 4 of discs talking of holding on to things that no longer serve. This may be material things, it may be emotions, behaviour traits, people - anything, but the fact is that whatever it is one is holding onto it empty, it carries no real value or worth and is no longer serves.

For me, seeing this card today affirmed to me that my work with Younger Self (YS) is most certainly not over, but it also confirmed that I am indeed on the right course. YS, in all his insecurity and doubt, has led to some internalised thought processes and external behaviour patterns that no longer serve - they will not take me forward. I am a Magickal Being, I am a person of spirit, I do have spiritual depth, but to move forward, to progress spiritually, which is something I so want to do, I have to go through a process of relinquishing those things that no longer serve. Those things that restrict, that hold me back, that don't belong in the world of a Magickal Being. Only I can identify those things, only I can let go of them and only I can move forward. The choice remains with me. It's my path, only I can walk it. Now is the time for me to really look within, to look into my inner world and identify the real motivating forces within me. Are the fears and doubts of YS in control, or am I bringing YS into a place of safety and security that will enable him to lay those negative emotions down? As YS lays these things down his awesome creativity, intuition and imagination will come to the fore in a clear and unadulterated manner, making anything possible. This is a significant step, and once again, something of a continual process, but I am now at a place where I have to take a significant step forward and lay these things down. This is another 'little death.'

No one said that a spiritual journey was easy and I do feel as though I've been in something of a spiritual glasshouse in recent weeks, but this is the reality of walking a living and dynamic spiritual path. As has been said elsewhere on a pagan blog recently, 'we are held in a place of love' and this is true, and it is the love of Goddess and God that are leading me on, leading me forward to a new place, a higher place, a more powerful place. This is all about personal and spiritual development and growth, and growth of any kind brings growing pains! When one asks for and seeks transformation, as I have done, be prepared for the Lord and Lady to answer and work with you!

Tomorrow I am going to see a Spiritual and Psychic Artist. His name is Patrick Gamble and it's something that I'm both excited and a little nervous about. He is going to paint my Spirit Guide! Tomorrow is going to be another step forward!

Charge Of The Goddess

"And you who seek to know me,
know that the seeking and yearning
will avail you not,
unless you know the Mystery:
for if that which you seek,
you find not within yourself,
you will never find it without."

Words from the wonderful Charge Of The Goddess.

This is the mystery of Goddess within and without - God within and without. The Divine is in all things and all things are in the Divine, I am Part Of The All. This is the wonder, this is mystery yet it is also reality. I find Goddess and God within, as well as without. Spiritual power exists within, as well as without. I find spiritual reality from looking inward, as well as outward and upward. "As above, so below" is the ancient cry, and equally as within, so without. Spiritual power begins, has its roots, in the positive and productive inner relationship between Younger, Talking and Higher Self. It's all about relationship.

Andrew, my Younger Self, is sensitive, nervous, devoted, loving. loyal, spiritual and intuitive. He's not been loved quite in the way that he deserved or needed and therefore can be a little needy at times. This causes him to look for too much without at times, he looks for what he needs within in others, and in other things, as opposed to finding it within.

It's time to really find what is real and needed within " . . . if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without."



Andrew has a strong spiritual connection, and this is something he has always known, but has been led down paths that were not for him. He's been led too much, and feels angry about this. He has been hurt, is fearful of some situations, and trust is a huge thing for him. To trust is like walking on ice - "will this provide the support I need?" It takes a very long time to gain Andrew's trust, and if it's broken, his sense of abandonment is very overwhelming.

Things are starting to turn and now it is time to commence the restoration of this inner relationship, to reestablish the connection between YS, TS and HS. As my inner world comes together so I move forward into new and exciting places. Andrew can find the love, security, power, support, strength, fulfillment and satisfaction he craves and needs within and there is so much inner landscape to explore.

And the inner world, the inner landscape is the launch pad into new worlds and new realities.

(The picture is not mine and can be found here)

Relationship

I'm understanding, in a new and deep way how the exploration of self is all about relationship. It's about relationship with myself and relationship with the Divine. My relationship with Spirit moves to a new and higher level as my inner relationship deepens. It's like clearing out the conduit, getting rid of debris and dross in order for things to flow more smoothly, more effectively, more powerfully. Things were moving before, but this new level of personal work takes things to a new level.

Younger Self (YS) is full of such potential, but before that can be 'tapped' as it were, he needs to feel safe and secure to be able to step out of the shadow. YS tends to hide in the background, fearful of ridicule, and his role models have not been that brilliant. He needs to be taught by someone who actually values him and loves him for who he is. Talking Self needs to do this. It's weird, all this inner talk or 'self talk' as at times one could be forgiven for thinking that one has lost ones last remaining marble, but the effect it brings is amazing. There is a sense of wholeness, of feeling complete, and an inner sense of coming home. It is also showing me how destructive negative self talk is as it reinforces all the old patterns and negative belief systems that YS has. It's time to turn the tide in this respect.

Self love is vital here - an accepting and an embracing of self. All of this, all that I have written in the past few days can sound so feeble, so trite, so 'touchy feely' but in truth is profound stuff. When it drops from the head to the heart, it's life changing. When it moves from words on a page to words written in soul in indelible ink, anything is possible.

As my sense of identity grows, through this ever deepening inner relationship so my relationship with Goddess and God, both within and without, grows and deepens. My Will also strengthens and matures, and it is from Will that magick flows, love under Will, a Will based on a sound and profound knowledge of Self.

Goddess and God are immanent, within and without and all of this is about relationship; my relationship with myself, with Them and Them with me, because everything is connected, I am Part Of The All, there is no separation, there is no division, there are no walls - only the ones that I build. This is about a circle, a circle that cannot be broken because the ties are so strong, the relationship too deep, the connection too real.

It's real, it's there, it's happening, all I have to do is step into it.

Anything Is Possible . . .

I met with Younger Self again today and had a real sense of Younger Self being ruled by the expectations of others and as a result of this losing personal identity. This has caused YS to doubt himself on many levels and to feel 'less than' when compared to and with others.

YS seeks to be what others want him to be in order to stay safe, stay protected.

YS carries a huge weight of duty upon his shoulders and feels the need to respond to the demands and imperatives of others. "ought, should and could" rule too much of his existence. "Love me for who I am" is the cry of YS.

There is a blending into the background to stay safe, a keeping of the peace to avoid violence or the threat of violence or anger.

All the above has worked to make YS sensitive, sensitive to others, to energy shifts, to micro signals given by others. There is a real and genuine empathic gift that has arisen from all of the above. YS is a wounded healer. There is immense creative power within YS and such a positive force for healing. This is something that needs to be released.

I want to restore to YS his authenticity and his ability to be who he is, freely, without recrimination, without fear.

There is so much work to be done here. It's like I've understood so much, for so long, with my head. I know where my wounds are and I know the roots, but spending time really listening to Younger Self on a deeper and spiritual level has been incredible. I know I have more listening to do, but I also need to move into the area of healing.

A lot of this is about forgiveness. Forgiving those, truly forgiving those, who have caused hurt, pain, rejection and abandonment and with this, a space clearing. It's about clearing out those spiritual pipes of dross and debris that have restricted energy flow and limited magickal work. Opening those channels will aid and support spiritual communication between YS, Talking Self and Higher Self and thus there will be unlimited potential to magickal work. Not that this is a short-cut fix to spiritual development, I see this as an on-going process in many ways, but this is a watershed time. This moment, this period, has arrived for a reason and there seems to be such a powerfully positive energy about all this.

In YS lies so much positive creativity, so much positive energy. There is a huge restorative force, a deep empathic gift, deep intuition. YS holds the gifts of Water, and this can be released through this space clearing. YS sees no limitations, no brick walls, anything and everything is possible.

YS is stepping out from the bonds of restriction and it's exciting!



What is also fascinating is that a Ragwort plant has decided to sprout in the middle of my outside wall! It's not done it before! There's this minute crack in the wall and the Ragwort has just sprouted and it's a large plant too! Ragwort, magickally, brings protection. It's like a word from Goddess that this journey I am making is going to be a positive experience and that I am protected in it. I'm not going to get hurt. This is all about healing and moving on into a new dimension.

Meeting Younger Self

Journeying this morning to meet my Younger Self introduced me to a Younger Self full of adaptations. Younger Self learned to be a people pleaser, someone who knew how to conduct himself to minimise the risk of fallout - the risk of anger and also ridicule. Younger Self had learned the art of protection, not in classes of self defence, but the self defence mechanisms were equally as finely honed and well practiced. Most especially effective was the art of vanishing achieved through blending in with the crowd, of disappearing into the background. Younger Self was ruled by fear, fear of bulling, of aggression, of anger, yet equally of being smothered with emotion. Younger Self felt rejected, abandoned, bullied, scared, nervous but so much of this was effectively hidden as Younger Self learned to become an effective actor, to deflect the pain in such a way that few people, if any, knew what was really going on inside. So much was internalised, hidden, masked and never spoken of through fear of appearing something of a failure as this would only confirm to Younger Self what he always thought - that he was indeed a failure. This had been confirmed through words and actions by too many people not to be true.

Younger Self anticipates put downs, ridicule and failure, resulting in a perfectionist streak that is far too driven. The roots of this can be traced back to the words and echoes of those in positions of power. There is a huge undercurrent of anger in Younger Self that has never fully been expressed due to the misconception, again imposed by others, that such an expression would simply be an unacceptable loss of personal control. Younger Self can be too passive-aggressive, and learned, eventually, to become a kind of controller himself.

I don't want to go on about this at length, not because I can't deal with things, but because I see little worth or value in spilling it all out here. Neither do I want people to misconstrue that in sharing this I am seeking sympathy or anything remotely like that - I know that all of us can point to pain in our past, all of us can also equally point to times in our lives where we have caused others pain. I write this simply as a record of a journey, albeit a journey into very familiar territory. I want to be emotionally honest without being over emotional, if that makes any sense at all. It makes perfect sense to me!

What is key here, for me, is to release Younger Self from this prison of fear and adaptations. I can see, quite clearly, how this imprisoned Younger Self limits, restricts and hinders my spiritual growth. In different ways I've been here before, but the restriction remains, so there has to be a breaking through of the barrier whereby Younger Self can be truly released into a place of freedom and creativity, of joy and exuberance, free from fear, recrimination and a deep seated feeling of needing to keep everyone happy. Free from a false and imposed sense of duty into a carefree celebration of what it means to be free child, free Younger Self, full of energy and vitality, truly carefree.

I need to explore this further, and as I do, there needs to be a time of healing, a time of cleaning, a time of balance, all leading to wholeness.

In my Tarot meditation this morning I turned the Page of Cups. That first impulse of the element of water. Water, the place of depth, of intuition, of emotion, of feeling, of cleansing and of healing. A time of reflection, looking into the water and seeing the true self reflected back, the free self. The person I was always intended to be, before name and form, before adaptation. There's undoing to be done, forgiveness given and received. Here too, is a place of wisdom.

Great worth and value will come from this part of my journey.

Scary and Exciting!

I have a feeling that my post today will fall into the 'incoherent rambling' category, but then, I do warn potential readers that my blog may carry such entries on my tag line! Consider yourself warned!

I really feel that I am on a mighty learning curve at the moment, and that this is something Goddess and God really want me to learn. I picked up a book this afternoon (I have a bookshelf full of unread books!) and began to read a little book by Amber K called 'True Magick'. It's a book that I've been drawn to for some time, but the pressure of work, doing up the house, doing the garden and a host of other excuses have kept me from it. All excuses I know, we can make time when we want to I guess.

Anyway, this book seems to take up where I left off from my post yesterday, and from the wonderful comments some of you have been making. I'm only about 70 pages into the little book, but it's as though it's talking directly at me. It's clearly the time for me to be reading it! Part of it confirms stuff that I've known for years and have been taught at various trainings along the way, but it also looks at things from a slightly different angle, or at times from a totally different perspective, and therefore old truths seem fresh.

What's amazing is that these first few pages are covering things that I have been learning directly from Spirit in recent weeks, and have been talking about here in the past week or so.

Firstly, I was once again struck by the fact that the path I walk is a path of personal transformation. I've spoken this week of the Death card being turned in my tarot meditation, and Amber K talks of this in the very first few pages of her book. She talks of the magickal path being one of great courage because each change is what is she calls a 'little death' and each 'little death' is part of rebirth. This is about the surrender of the old self in order to find a greater Life. Typing the words both chill and excite me at the same time. It's exciting because what is actually an act of self-sacrifice; giving up the little-persona self, leads to encountering the Greater Self, and this Greater Self is God/dess, because we are all part of The All. We are, each of us, part of All That Is. Wow, it just blows my mind the more I think of it! It's something I've always known, in my head, but I think that today the reality of it is travelling from my head to my heart and from my heart into my spirit.

Coupled with is I've been struck by the inner relationship between Talking Self (conscious), Younger Self (sub-conscious) and Higher Self (God Self). I've been drawn to the Younger Self today. Some people call it the Lower Self, Freud referred to it as Id. It's pretty amazing that I should fall upon these pages today, following my work with Darkness yesterday. In the Younger Self are my emotions, my feelings, my desires, drives, memories. Also, here in Younger Self is the person I was intended to be before name and form - the Free Child of TA, before adaptation. All those things that are hidden, yet motivate me and my behaviours are in Younger Self.

Just as yesterday I was drawn to explore my dark side and those things that are hidden within shadow so I have been exalted, through the pages of Amber K's book, to establish a relationship with my Younger Self. I'm reading Younger Self as the Child ego state of TA, yet this requires taking things to a much deeper level than the pages of I'm Okay, You're Okay, (a book that I read many, many years ago). Exploring and encountering Younger Self is going to be something of a painful journey. Whilst I consider myself to be very self aware I sense there are things that I am going to be confronted with that may hurt and surprise me, yet I sense this is where I need to be going at the moment. Clearly a pattern for now is coming together and there are things that I need to learn on my path to becoming a Magickal Being. For now it's about getting to know my Younger Self and those aspects of me that have remained hidden, or purposefully buried, for some time. From here is going to flow energy that I've not known the like of before.

It's both scary and exciting!