Body and Soul

I began this way too late to finish it properly! But, here goes!

As I peruse my own blog I have to stop and wonder if I have I have learned anything at all over the years! I read old posts and as I do it seems to me that I’ve been asking the same kind of questions for years! I’d like to think, however, that I am asking them at a different level, but I’m not always so sure! Jerome talked of always having more questions than answers, and that this works to assure humility, and I understand that. I think it’s the onion analogy again, everything is multilayered, and just as one understands one layer, one has to peel off another, and so on and so forth. It can make for a pretty exhausting journey! I assume that at some point one reaches the centre and then suddenly everything makes sense!

Today I have found myself back at the dichotomy between ego and soul. In recent months I have come to feel, with a deep sense of conviction, that (1) I have a soul and that (2) this aspect of me is divine and comes from Source – indeed, it is Source within me, Divinity in human flesh. This has been something of a significant step for me and some would argue, I suppose, that with this belief system I’m not really Pagan, but that’s for another blog at another time and in another place I think!

I found myself at Glastonbury Tor again today – as ever, one of my most favourite places. I arrived late and it was crowded, I much prefer it when I get there early and it’s just a few of us there. However, among the noise I managed to meditate for a while and was aware of my soul connecting with the heavens. I had a sense of my soul singing with Source and as I was aware of this I became aware of the song of Nature all around me and we were all singing the song of Source with Source, we were all in celebration. My own Divinity was connecting with the One Divine Life and we were in union and singing in unison. It was a most wonderful, albeit brief, moment.

At the same time I was aware of my roots being deep within Earth. I was drawing energy deep into myself from the very core of Earth and I became increasingly aware of my body belonging to Earth, and my soul to the heavens.

With this I went into something of a state of flux. My body, the current house of my soul, is of Earth. I don’t believe, as some would argue, that Earth, roots and the body are evil. Through my senses and through my body I feel, touch, taste, hear, see and understand this world and my place in it. My roots also connect me with my heritage, my ancestors and my sense of belonging with place and the spirit of place. This doesn’t separate me from my soul, but it supports my understanding of the house, the tent, within which my soul currently resides. Yet this body has desires, it has longings of its own, it has needs, and it has automated and learned responses, responses and desires that can feed the ego and which can, if I allow them, to overtake my spiritual path and quest, and here is my conundrum.

It is right to celebrate and experience the body, to take joy in this world and to revel in the wonder of what it is to be alive in this time and place and to enjoy that and those which surround us. It is right to be wild and free in Nature and to be one with Nature – we’re in this body for a reason! Yet, at the same time, I cannot be a slave to the body and its impulses. Whilst I don’t advocate a chaste and strict denial of the body – not for a moment – there has to be a place, when training as an initiate, where the body is somehow brought under the control of the soul, of spirit. Is this what Crowley calls ‘love under will’?

There’s a balance to be struck here, I guess and perhaps this balance is about each of us being ever present, being self and spiritually aware and knowing what is feeding the soul and what is feeding the ego at any given moment.

Today I had a clear sense that the only thing that truly holds me back from spiritual progress is me. The only limits that are placed upon my own spiritual experience are those that I myself set in place. Any ceilings, any blocks and any breaks are not imposed but rather allowed or even created by me.

As an individual with a hugely influential Christian past, one that seeks to cast a shadow over my spiritual development and progress, any talk or discussion of the body, the flesh, the ego, poses significantly difficult issues. However, as I read any writings of the Adepts, such as Dion Fortune, and the writings of other paths, I see that the issue of ego is always there, in some shape or form, and these writings, although may be expressed differently, talk about the need to bring the desires and needs of the body under some kind of control, and that there is a discipline required if one is to spiritually progress.

I think that my issue with this is about the fear of loss of sense of self. Much of human journey has been one of fighting for my right to be myself and to fully express myself – my sense of social identity, and to ensure that my right to be who I am is celebrated. My human journey has been one of moving out of suppression and oppression into true freedom – the freedom to be me, without condemnation or criticism or judgement.

So you see, this physical/human journey and the cost of that to me as an individual, together with the gain, appears, at some degree at least, to be at odds with the need to bring this self under control.

I think some of this may be that I am confusing what my True Self with my small self. My True Self is who I was intended to be before name and form. My True FREE self, free from the adaptations one falls into just to get through another day, to please the Boss, the Department, the neighbours, the ‘anything for a quiet life’ type of thing. But this also has to be about being free from the body being in charge, dictating, ruling what one does. It’s not about bringing the body into submission as such, it’s not about chastisement, but it has to be about who is in charge, who is in control? If I choose to have a wild time and indulge every sensory pleasure, then that’s fine, provided that I am doing so from a place of freedom and choice.

So True Self is Higher Self, that place of enlightenment, that place where Spirit shines from my own human eyes and I see the world, and my place in it, from a new place. But it is also about not letting go of my roots, not denying my place in this Earth and the fact that I experience this Earth through my bodily senses. It’s a marriage of body and soul, it’s a relationship between the heavens and Earth, between the Divine and mortal, a celebration of humanity and this earth realm and the Divine and the celestial realms.

From this understanding of True Self comes knowledge of my own true will, my own calling in this time and place, my connection with the One Divine Life and that connection of the Divine Will and mine and the two becoming one and the same. But I think that too is for another blog entry at another time. Now, I think it’s time for this human body to go to bed and rest!

Change

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”

This famous quote made by Charles Darwin and the theme of change has been resonating with me for some time. It seems that on every level of my life, both internally and externally, change is afoot, and what is also interesting is that it is happening almost irrespectively of my engagement with it. It is happening, regardless, and the call to me is to move and allow the change to work what it needs to work within me.

And as change happens in the ‘mundane’ (although I don’t like to use that term) so it happens, and has to happen, on the spiritual plane. My path is a path of transformation, one of the evolution of my soul, In order to grow in the understanding of the dynamic of my own True Will so I have to open myself to change, to powerful transformation . . . to growth.

And this growth can be painful, as can all change. The transformative path I am walking is leading me deeper into appreciating that the call is to know the Will of my Soul, and to lay down the will of the ego. The clash and the battle at the centre of this can be immense. In some ways this internal tension is being played out at all levels around me at the moment, from structural and organisational changes at work, to changes with my own health, health struggles being experienced by my dearest friend, to changes in family dynamics and relationships through to changes in other interpersonal relationships. It’s everywhere and the changes I see externally simply work to mirror those that are taking place – or demanding to take place, within. If I am to listen to the quote above by Darwin, my response to this internal change is significant.

So what is my own true will? I’ve asked this question again and again on this blog, but I see that this is a question that I will continually ask because my own true will is dynamic and changing and not static. It has to be dynamic because change is constant in that it is constantly working to bring me nearer to fully understanding and appreciating the nature of my true will.

As I understand my own true will today it is to fully know and experience my true connection with The All. That sounds very simplistic, but then it has to be simplistic if I am to summarise it one sentence. For me my own true will is about really stepping into that place where I take up my role as a cog in the Universe that supports true interconnection and that draws the power and energy of that connection into my core and thus see it radiated into the Earth and into the lives of others. Being one with The One Divine Life. Being one with the Universe, the Cosmos. Simply being part of Source.

So the path of transformation for me at the moment is about removing those ties that bind, that hold me back, that restrict and hinder my move forward. These may be physical things, things are ‘out there’ on this plane, and they may be internal things, things of the ego, things of the past, perhaps even things of past lives, things that need more than to be released, they need to be divested of their power and part of that is about me stopping acting and thinking in such ways that actually gives these restrictive binds their power.

And this is why connection with spirit of place and with ancestors is important for me at the moment, because I see what is happening is like a paring back to the simple – back to that which really matters, that which is of value, is of meaning and that will forward the work of truly knowing and achieving the nature of my own true will.

Even more simply own true will is to know my Gods and be as one and at one with them. To take up my part in the Dance of Life and dance my steps at the right time and in time. To hear the beat and the rhythm and to dance accordingly no matter who or what is watching. To do this I need to do more than listen to the music, I need to become part of the music.

The Lesson of the Mole

I can't believe that it's been a week since I posted here, but sure enough, it is indeed a week since I've updated this blog. I'm not happy about that, but it's simply a sign of the times. Last week was a tough week work-wise, seeing me starting early and finishing late most days, and even with the additional hours put in, there is still a pile of work waiting to be done, with more being added all the time.

So today, I took myself out for a quiet pilgrimage to two of my most favourite places - Glastonbury Tor and Chalice Well. Regular readers of this blog will know that I visit these places often; living so close is a blessing of which I never become complacent. For me, today was about pursuing the movement that I spoke about in my blog of last week, testing it out, seeing what it means, where I need to place my feet. I didn't expect revelations, what I was looking for was some kind of inner knowledge of what needs to happen next to make this movement possible.

Movement and change surround me. Work-wise there is structural change taking place once again, with a plan of massive service change that will be take place in about 18months to 2 years, which will, of necessity, result in further structural change. Within 24 hours of hanging the picture I show in my post of last week I was confronted with the need to make an important work related decision, one that has the potential to affect my future in a number of ways.

Driving to Glastonbury this morning I was pleased to be alone. My work is all about people, be them staff or service users, and as such voices surround me all the time. Much as I enjoy working with people, today was very much about much needed time for me, away from noise, chatter, and clutter. I was making sacred space. As I turned a corner and the Tor, shrouded by mist with the tower just visible, came into view, the first of a number of experiences occurred - I cried! I wasn't expecting that and I can't say that I was feeling particularly sad, but clearly there was emotion there that needed expression and tears flowed freely as I smiled at the familiar and beautiful Somerset Levels, with the Tor standing tall and majestic. The energy from this sacred site was such that it drew emotion from me, releasing pent up feelings of frustration and confusion, cleansing and throwing out useless emotional clutter that wasn't serving me and that was hindering renewal. This was a deeper work of space clearing.

Climbing the Tor was harder work, physically, than normal. I don’t know why, perhaps it had something to do with the vegan chocolate cake I made yesterday in which I omitted to put enough baking soda! (note to self: read recipes thoroughly)!

As I reached the top of the Tor I walked to my favourite spot, stood, closed my eyes and became aware of my inner immortal spirit. I focused upon my true reality, the fact that I am spirit incarnated in flesh. I called to Source and saw my spirit intertwined with Source, like a huge silver cord travelling to the very heavens, bound together, wrapped up in one another, inseparable, and connected, one and the same. I’ve never seen this picture quite like this before, but it was clear, the cord was huge, massive, and it twisted and turned its way from the very core of me to the very highest heavens. I was aware of voices and movement of people around me, but nothing could break the power of this moment. This was a reminder of the strength, the power, and the unbreakable nature of my connection with Source.



Freedom was also a theme of my quiet meditation. In my minds eye I saw a huge bird flying toward me, expecting this to be an owl, my usual magickal bird, I was surprised to notice that it was, in fact, a Peregrine Falcon, swooping at great speed, revelling in the freedom of the wide open space that it enjoyed. I was conscious of my spirit longing for this same sense of freedom and aware that my own physical tent, this body that houses my immortal spirit can feel like something of a trap at times.

My consciousness was then taken to the little mole hills that were appearing around the Tor and here was the final lesson of today. These little hills of fresh soil were testimony of a huge amount of work going on, underground. Little, insignificant piles of soil concealing an industry of energy and effort taking place below by such a small creature. Here was the lesson in my stepping toward this need for movement – preparation. So much of our pagan world can be lost is show. The best robes, being seen in the right places, knowing the right people, the outer show, yet what is vital is the work that is happening within, and sometimes the outer evidence of this may be a simple little hill of soil, but underneath the personality is being prepared for that on-going process of initiation, whereby huge and significant changes are taking place, all in preparation for a new and dynamic phase of being. Encounters with Spirit, with Source, have to affect change, if they are real and genuine, and true freedom, true liberation, and true initiation are result.

The snow of recent weeks has had the effect of bringing the nation to a standstill, and we could be forgiven for thinking that in the face of Nature, we are powerless. Indeed, this was my first thought, but again today I have seen that this is not the case, because we are as much part of Nature as the snow itself, and that when the human mind, in true connection with its inner self, connects with the Divine Mind and picks up the message from the Divine Mind, we can bring anything into being. It may take some considerable time, but we are not powerless, we are more powerful that we may care to realise. Just like the little Mole, who builds tunnels and makes an incredible world beneath the soil, so we, when we connect with the Divine Will, can also bring into being things that are truly amazing.

So, as I walk towards this next phase of being, my call is to prepare, to put in the spadework, to strengthen and deepen my connection with Source and to step into my true calling.

The other things that are bothering me at the moment will then fall into place and become clear. I just need to shift my attention to that which is truly important.

When I'm Calling Your Name . . .

I've said in a recent post that the events of the past few months have hammered home to me the truth that I am not my body. I live in my body for this incarnation, but my body is not me and I am not my body. I am more, much, much more than the flesh and blood that keeps my current vehicle physically alive. I am more than my drives, more than my impulses and more than flesh, blood and bone.

Likewise I am more than the things I feel. I am not my feelings and my feelings are not me. My emotions do not provide me with my identity. My identity comes from something much older, something that existed before my current body was formed and that will survive long after my current vehicle returns to the Earth.

This is something I've known for ages . . . but that's it, I've known it - has it actually sunk deep within me? I don't think it actually has. Like all of us I've become aware of just how much I've been clinging to this body and this apparent existance - that which I can so easily see, taste, touch, hear and smell, and it's this clinging, this inbuilt sense of dependence that in effect creates the false reality that has the potential to fool me over and over again until I start to trust, once again, in that which cannot be really trusted. The end result of this is that I actually loose connection with who I truly am. This happens as a result of impulse, or desire, overtaking will and instead of this vehicle becoming a voluntary collaborator, it becomes my master, and that's not good!

Spiritual growth has its birth in truly knowing who I am and more than that, living and acting and being in that truth. A member of staff said to me today "I'm a human being not a human doing!" and it made me smile that this old adage was being reflected back to me. It's a hackneyed statement, I agree, but one that contains such truth for all of that. What I do does not define me, even what I feel does not define me, it's the truth of who I really am that defines me and this comes from moving out of the realm of reactivity into the realm of claiming and living in the truth of my own birthright - I am from Source and I am of Source - I am as Source.

I have a sense of needing to travel back to the place of my origination. I have no idea if that makes any sense to any one at all, but I know what I mean! A need to travel back to the place of my true birth. Long ago, as recorded in this blog, I embraced Andrew, my Younger Self, and this was a deep and significant move forward for me, but in many ways that was something that happened on a psychological level - but no less real for that. Now I see I have a need to move in the power of my Magickal name and to truly embrace that aspect of me and to allow the power of that to flow through my physical body. I need to move in the power of who I really am and celebrate the strength and power of this. It's not just a case of being given a Magickal Name, it's actually about moving in the reality of that in a real and living way.

The more than time goes on the more disconnected I feel to this physical body. I don't mean that I disrespect it and I don't mean that I don't enjoy it. I experience this world and this incarnation through it, and many of those experiences and feelings are very pleasurable, but that's not all that it's about. I'm beginning to appreciate what the combining of the magickal and the pagan aspects of my spirituality means, and in a sense it feels as if I am becoming ever more Mystic. That's surprised me to an extent, but it seems that's the way I seem to be developing.

I don't think that this body needs to be punished into submission. Somehow it's about the body, the emotions, the mind coming together and working in cooperation and harmony with Spirit and somewhere in here, for me at least, it has something to do with fully and truly embracing that Magickal aspect of me and moving with it and in it. Truly being who I really am, fully connecting with my True Self, but on a much deeper level than I have hitherto experienced.

I don't pretend to know how all of this is supposed to happen, but it's a path that appears to be opening up ahead of me and it's one that I will have to walk down and, once again, it's a process that I feel will have it's inception at Imbolc.

It all starts on Sunday, then!

The Road to Samhain

Today I took myself out on a walking meditation. I have a few days leave from work, and I’ve been determined to put them to good use. No prizes for guessing where I went – yes, as I thought, you’ve guessed it - Glastonbury Tor and Chalice Well! I just love these places and I have such a genuine connection with them. I am so aware of how blessed I am to have such amazing places close by, but then I guess we all have our ‘special places’ and our connections to sacred sites. I also know that our mere presence, as a Magickal Being, makes any place sacred, as we connect to the Spirits of Place and work with them. And, over the years, such as with Glastonbury Tor and Chalice Well, these places become imbued with this energy. The words we speak, from the intentions that we make, have the power to create, or destroy, build up, or break down.

I also intend to visit Stanton Drew and Avebury during the oncoming days.

I have been aware of Samhain calling in recent days. Energy is shifting, and this has been reflected in a number of blogs that I regularly visit. As energy shifts, so my inner work shifts, and I have become increasingly aware that Samhain is just around the corner. Samhain is one of my most favourite festivals. The energy and power of this season drives right into the very core of me and both thrills and terrifies me, simultaneously. I think it needs to do both, and as such I never become complacent but rather see this time of death and rebirth as hugely significant as I step into a new spiritual and magickal year. It also makes this time real, and not superficial, on any level. It can be an incredibly painful time, as one lets go things that no longer serve, and then one reaches out to embrace the new. It’s not just about an acknowledgement of the season, but a real, genuine, and total connection with the season of death, and then rebirth. This is the time of transformation and transformation is central to my path. As I get closer to Source, the One Divine Life, how can I not be transformed?

As I reached the top of Glastonbury Tor, I was calling to Gwyn Ap Nudd, who I relate to as the king of the Underworld. He is the God of death and rebirth, as the Underworld is where souls are prepared for their rebirth. I was seeking guidance on that which I need to release, in preparation for my Samhain ritual. Words and images were flooding my mind and soon one word stood out about all others: Restriction.

I sat, leaning against the tower, in the wonderful warmth of full sun, seeking more insight into this word, and soon it became clear. So much of my work has been that of letting go of old patterns, both of behaviour and thinking, and moving into a new place. I am amazed at how far I have travelled, yet I still restrict myself, and this was key – the message for me was to let go of the limitations I place upon myself. It’s time to see how I limit me, mainly in my thinking, but also in my interactions with others.

Together with this were the limitations I place upon my progression upon my own path. Sometimes these limitations are borne of fear that stems from my Christian upbringing. It’s over 20 years since I broke free from the yoke of Christianity, yet still the echoes remain, quieter, much fainter than before, but at times they are still there. They are but whispers, just whispers, but whispers that at times hold me in check, stop me moving forward, because I doubt and fear and I feel that this doubt and fear often has its origin in a belief that I am not worthy. These things need to go as I want to move forward and I need to release the lies of the past as I move into the truth of Now.

There is no glass ceiling, nothing has been imposed, any restriction is there because I alone place it there. As my trust and belief in myself increases, so I need to step into my own personal responsibility and integrity. I am in charge of me. My words both create and destroy. As I embrace my own True Will I am my own light and I am my own master and therefore the bars of this self imposed prison can be torn apart – and this is my intention for this Samhain.

As I walked to Chalice Well I sat at the Wellhead and spoke with Sulis, my patron Goddess. She is the Goddess of the hot, healing springs of Bath, Goddess of blessing and of curse, Goddess of fire and water. As I listened to Her promptings I was increasingly aware that I have embraced her Water aspect – my intuition is well developed, I am aware of my own emotions, I own them, and disown those that are not of me, and my inner relationship is finely tuned. These things can always develop further, however I need to embrace her Fire and bring this further into the centre of my being. I need to allow her Fire to rise within me, that fire of passion, of alchemy, of transformation, of purification. This is the Fire that burns the dross and leaves the gem – the Fire of Inner Light. This is a clear call and a clear challenge.

Linked with this is the ability to receive. When I doubt my worth it is difficult to receive anything. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no wilting wallflower, but there are times when it’s difficult to receive because I don’t feel good enough, and I know where this has its root – firmly seated in the past indoctrination of Christian teaching.

So my Samhain ritual begins to take form. A relinquishing of the limitations and restrictions I place upon myself, a letting go of self doubt and limiting self belief, walking away from old concepts of me. And then a stepping into the truth of who I am – a Magickal Being, and a genuine stepping into the element of Fire, embracing the Fires of Sulis and seeing them rise and take hold within me. This will be a ritual that is designed to cement a process that is already at work within me and that will result in a deepening of this work through the art of causing changes in consciousness at will.

So mote it be!

Watch This Space!

So much has been happening for me spiritually in recent weeks that I hardly know where to begin. However, I feel a need to try and summarise in order to place a marker here at the end of the month, and also as now I enter the phase of the waxing moon, and the things that I record here I want to see grow and develop over the weeks ahead.

I have discovered a real power and strength in embracing my Own True Will, that is, being who I truly am and embracing my own course. I have a real sense of taking up my place on the Web Of Life, and I know the vibration that I send out on this Web. My actions, and indeed inaction, affect others on the Web, just as theirs affect me. We are interconnected and interdependent. Together, the notes of our collective vibrations are the orchestra of life.

All this leads to me having a new and sustained belief in myself, a confidence and strength. This comes not from some kind of puffed up, egotistical, conceited pride, or, equally as disastrous, from some kind of false or introverted humility, but rather from a real sense of who and what I am. Believing in myself, truly moving into that place of spiritual confidence, has been a theme of this New Moon - believing in my own inner relationship. And this confidence, this embracing of my own True Will, leads me away from the supplicating "if it be thy will" of my archaic Christian past, into a new place of where I can make it happen and affect positive change.

I will be buffeted and blown about at times, my vehicle is but human flesh, but the tides that are beneath the surface are stronger than any winds that may blow above, and therefore I will stay true to my course, even if it appears that I'm travelling in the opposite direction to everyone else!

I am a Magickal Being, I am Divine, because I am of the One Divine Life, just as the One Divine Life if of me. My goal, my aim, my desire, is to truly experience and reflect that most awesome and powerful of connections. To know, even as I am fully known. I seek the true, real and powerful initiation of the manifestation of the Higher Self within me, and I know that this brings a real, deep, intimate and personal challenge.

My tarot meditations of the past two weeks have made this challenge abundantly clear. Now is the time were I have to be serious about bringing down those pillars, those constructs, those beliefs and patterns that have reinforced the illusion of self. I have bought into my own personal hype too often! I can't avoid this - I have to truly experience the path of the 'little deaths' if I am to truly experience the manifestation of Higher Self. There are no shortcuts, and I've known this forever, yet still I shy away. This can happen no more. I have to let go of those things that are contrary to my own course, those things that will only bring inner conflict, those things that are at odds to my genuine calling and my true purpose in being here. To continue with them is to only continue this sense of separation from my True Self, and my True Self is Divine.

My desire now is to bring my manhood up into my Godhood. 'I live here on earth but my race is from the starry heavens' and I want this to shift from knowledge to experience. The mighty experience of last nights New Moon ritual has underlined and emphasised this truth.

It's been an incredible couple of weeks. A couple of weeks that throws so many things up in the air, yet at the same time makes so many things so perfectly clear. I don't see an easy road ahead, but I see a road that I want to walk, a path that I do not want to avoid or sidestep, yes, it will bring growing pains, but the alternative is not worthy of my consideration.

Things are changing on a personal, professional, spiritual and magickal plane for me. All is shifting and moving, all is fluid. At the centre of this is a movement in my spiritual experience, an embracing of a more magickal aspect to my spiritual practice. I don't fully know or understand how this is going to pan out, I don't fully understand the steps I have been taking of late, but this I know: they are the right steps, they are steps of Divine initiation and they are the steps in which I wish to walk.

As ever, it's a case of watch this space!

Restriction

I think most of you know that I start each week by turning 3 Tarot cards, and I use these 3 cards as a focus for my meditations for the week. I interpret each card with the other and use them as a kind of spiritual life coaching. It's a way that I am used to opening to Deity and through them I feel Deity speaks right into the heart of me. It's something I've done for some time now, it's even got to the stage where I am wondering whether I should begin to tweak and alter the way I spend time with Them before each day truly begins. It's something I've pondered for some time, but, for the moment at least, this is how I have been working.

This week the cards have been tough, and have challenged me to the core. I know that I've been growing of late, I have a real sense of spiritual development and I am aware of growing stronger, and closer to Source. However, this week there has been a strong word from the Lord and Lady of how I need to move forward if I am to continue this path and grow ever closer to Them.

These words are timely, as they have come with the arrival of Autumn Equinox. A time of growing introspection, a time of taking stock, gathering in, not retreating, but recognising growth and also doing some final husbandry. The cards this week have all been about this.

To be honest, and honesty and transparency is one the aims of my blog, I don't seek to present myself as something I am not, when I looked at them I groaned! I so wanted something lovely and fluffy, but no, not this time! I spoke of Air on my last entry, and Air can cut like a knife, a chilling blast that can separate flesh from the bone, and something of that blast has hit me with the cards this week.

Restriction has come up a lot for me this past year, and this week the cards have spoken of this once again. Restriction, but combined with self limiting, negative thought patterns, so the restriction comes not from external sources, but from within. There is something here around developing a keener, more attuned concentration, and a learning to filter out the negative rubbish that my chattering mind can bombard me with at times, and really see myself as I truly am. I've embraced so much of my True Self in recent months, and this is the truth about me that I need to invest in and feed - if that makes sense. Not in some kind of blind denial, but in a real and genuine intention to allow the light of my Higher Self to pervade all of me.

My trust and confidence in myself as a spiritual and magickal being has really grown in recent months, but the Lord and Lady have caused me to pause this week and check out, once again, just where that confidence is placed - is it in what I see as a growing ability, or is it in my relationship with Them. Relationship is part of the core of my spiritual path, and there has been something of a gentle reminder this week.

But then I turned the Tower, and to be honest, that floored me somewhat, as it's a card that has often spoken to me of destruction of something that I have been building, perhaps due to going off course. It momentarily confused me. As I paused and listened to the voice of the Lord and Lady I began to hear what it was they were saying, especially as I read the cards together, as they should be read. The message here was simple - don't underestimate my own intrinsic power. There was something here of taking up my own personal responsibility, but in way that recognises my own ability to create, and destroy, to build up, or to knock down - and this includes myself. As a spiritual and magickal being I create my own reality, I forge my own way ahead, so I cannot always point the finger when things go wrong, rather I have to examine myself, and see what it was about me, within me or of me that allowed that to happen - how did I leave myself open to that attack? If attack indeed it was. If something is not the way I want it or the way I think it should be, if it's causing an internal conflict or causing me to behave in a way or a manner that is not of my own true self, then something isn't right and I need to make it right, but I make it right not from some kind of brutal force, or effort, but from stepping into my rightful place on the web, and from operating from my true will - stepping into who I am.

So my restriction, my internal conflicts, my mind games, my mental conflicts come from me and my responses. It's a further and deeper call to see Source in and of all things and to respond accordingly, not from this body, this ego, but from my own true self.

This is a real challenge, a tough call, but it's part of the call to the deeper things of spirit.

I Am My Own Light

The pagan path that I walk appears to be a path of 'becoming' - but not of becoming something different or new, rather it is a path of becoming truly authentically me. I've said before that it feels as though each stage that I walk, each phase that I enter, seems to take me back to who I truly am, back to who I was always intended to be, back to the very core, the very fibre of my being. It's like I journey back to discover my true self, but the Self I was always meant to be, the Self before name and form.

All life is gestated in darkness, but as it seeks to grow so it reaches for the light, and the theme of 'light' has been with me this week. What struck me, as I was calling in Fire from the south the other morning, was that I am my own light. That threw me for a moment, as it felt pretentious and it was an impression that I wasn't expecting to encounter, but the clear, sharp thought was there - "I am my own light."

As I meditated upon this, things began to become clear for me. Calling in the elements has been taking on a new power for me recently, in that I don't just call the elements in, I have a very real sense of actually becoming air, fire, water and earth as I call. This week things have moved on again, as I called in Fire, so I filled with the light of this fire. I could see, sense and experience this piercing and enveloping light, but it wasn't coming from above or below or around me, it was radiating out from within. The light was emanating from my own true self, my own true will and as I remain true my course, true to my authentic self, then I am guided by my own light, because I am part of Source, in Source and of Source, part of the One Divine Life. This is a further and significant step into the mysteries, because I am truly beginning to fathom, to comprehend, to see and understand what it means to open myself to my true birthright as a child of the Lord and Lady.

This light that was filling me must be the light of Higher Self, the light of initiation, the light of real connection to Source. At the moment I had stepped into a new place, and I can't pretend to have walked out of my Temple Room radiating light to everyone who happened to cross my path, but in that moment and time there was a connection, an experience, that hitherto I had not experienced.

I know that my roots are deep in the Underworld, the very womb of the Mother, and here my gestation takes place, here I am conceived and from here I have my true origin, my true heritage. But the womb of the Dark Mother, this place of death, life and rebirth, propels me into the light as I am born. All life reaches towards the light, and just as I am conceived in the dark, so I reach for the light. My roots in that place of transformation, my branches reaching to the light of the very heavens. As I celebrate my true connection with the All, so I Am. So my own light radiates from within. As the connection is made, so I am born, I become my true, authentic self. Someone I need to learn how to remain in this place!

And I guess this is the next step, bring that spiritual truth into physical reality as I live on this material plane.

The Fires Of Transformation

I've spoken many times on my blog about my path being a path of transformation. What do I mean by that? Simply, that as I get closer to Source, so I begin to see who and what I truly am. It's like the real me slowly, very slowly, comes into focus. I've described it as Goddess holding a mirror to my face, showing me my true reflection, or as layers of an onion being continually peeled until I reach my true centre, or as the false labels, habits, behavioural and thinking patterns falling away, one at a time. It's like Air blowing away the debris, Fire creating inner alchemy, Water revealing true and authentic emotion and Earth showing me my true roots. It's a continual, powerful process. I've talked of embracing my own inner relationship between Younger, Talking and Higher Self and how this spiritual relationship realises true results. This process has been continuing for me, and this was emphasised at my New Moon ritual on Saturday.

So much is starting to come into my consciousness, I'm becoming aware of so many things that at times it's hard to process. Odd as it may sound, there's so much happening that it almost feels as though nothing is happening, because sometimes it feels as though life stands still. Or rather, it's like I stand still in the middle of life and it's happening around about me, yet within, deeper, calmer more profound things are at work.

What has been hitting me hard, and I mean hard, is this sense, this growing awareness, that I am one with Source, one with the Divine Life. That's a really scary thing for an ex-Christian to say! I do not claim to fully comprehend this, nor do I fully understand it. I am certainly not able to articulate it, but the truth of this is beginning to hit home. As I sit and meditate I am increasing aware of my attention and awareness shifting from seeing myself as 'me' with a little 'm' to Me, part of Source, at one with the Divine Life, I am becoming increasingly aware of my Higher Self, my Greater Self. This sounds so puffed up, and I don't mean it like that at all, as I am claiming nothing other than a sense of truly beginning to become aware of who I am before name and form, before the lies of false attributes were believed. I am returning to myself in a real sense. I am conscious that again I stand at the beginning of another part of the journey. I claim nothing other than being in the starting blocks, once again, about to set off. I'm on the track, but unsure of the destination. It's scary at times.

I know that my connection to my self identity is strong. Hell, I've fought long and hard, what feels like all my life in this incarnation, for the right to be who and what I am. I have struggled, fought, campaigned and lost everything for the right to be seen as a complete individual. Proud to be me, proud to be gay, proud to be free. Now, as I move forward in Spirit, I feel the challenge of seeing this as an illusion, just as all adherence to things, even self, that is filled with self importance and false attachment. It's a powerful challenge, as the ego, this external self, tends to shout, scream and cry for attention. I also struggle because I need to be sure that I am hearing the call correctly, because at times it resonates too powerfully with old Christian teaching. However, as much as I struggle, I know, somewhere within, that the call I hear is true, it is real, and it is not about losing self, it's not about 'dying to self', it's about finding my True Self. I've talked a lot in the past about 'little deaths' and this feels like a logical part of that continual process.

This is a breaking free of all illusion and attachment that has informed my perceived self identity. Labels, interactions, perceptions, dreams, aspirations, ego patterns, demands upon others, expectations. I am suddenly seeing what I think Crowley must have meant when he spoke of being free from 'purpose.' Sometimes I think I think understand, that I might actually have 'got it' and then as soon as I do, it's like I lose the grip once again and it falls, through my fingers, from my hands. May be one never 'gets it' one just keeps walking in the right direction.

This New Moon felt very much like a time of seeing my identification with self beginning to dissolve as I move into a new awareness of my Greater Self. A new process has started. I can claim nothing magnificent, just a deep, a truly deep sense of having moved into a new space. It feels like only a simply forward step, but it also feels very new.

This feels like an ever moving cycle of losing self and finding Self, and as I start to see myself losing my focus on the self I thought I was and believed I was my eyes are opening to my True Self and not only my connection to Source, but the truth that I am of Source, part of the One Divine Life, truly One with The All. Part of me wants to add 'whatever that means' because in truth I don't fully understand or appreciate the enormity of what I am writing, I just know that there is truth here, there is reality here, there is power here and it is here that I will experience the ecstatic embrace of the Divine - " we are all stars".

This sounds so muddled and confused, and in a way it feels like that, but it also feels perfectly clear. In getting closer to Source, the One Divine Life, I am discovering my True Self, and I am that I am, part of The All. Not an observer, not a spectator, not sitting there in awe and wonder, but actually part of it all, one with it all, intrinsically connected, interconnected - at One.

I'm excited, scared, clear, confused, happy, all at the same time!

I'm sure there will be more to follow this, if you can cope with me!

Illusion

The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says: “It's a girl”.

Says Shirley Chisholm, and I agree with her. With the label comes the expectations, with the expectations comes the enforced limitations, the glass ceiling, the mapped out future, the expected behaviour, and people will interact according to those labels eventually, in time, the woman will respond to those labels according to type, reinforcing and confirming the stereotype. It’s not just true for women; it’s true for all groups who are pigeon-holed, stereotyped and labelled. In fact, it’s true for all of us. No matter who we are, we have lived in this world for some time and during that time so much will have been placed upon us in psychological terms as well as in emotional, sexual, social and spiritual terms. Those expectations, those imperatives have always been there and they are so hard to escape. They cause us to adapt, to respond accordingly, and as such the process of losing connection with who we really are has its beginning with our physical birth.

I don’t know if this ramble has it’s roots in Paganism or not and as such it’s something that once upon a time I would not have made public for fear of recrimination, but right now I simply don’t care! This has been a week of powerful revelation for me, and this ramble is key to all that I feel has been made clear. Well, it’s clear to me at least!

A phrase that I have used many times since first hearing it is a call to return to “who we were, before name and form.” It struck me the first time I heard it and it’s remained with me ever since. This week it seems to have come home to me in a powerfully clear way. For me, to be who I am before name and form links and overlaps with ‘know thyself.’ This is another phrase that is oft repeated, but what does it actually mean? Is this is call to psychological self awareness? A kind of self actualisation or individuation, or is it something far deeper and more profound than that? I am convinced, after my experiences of this week, that is something far deeper.

I’ve discovered that to be who I was, before name and form, is to journey back and to embrace the true Me, my True Self, and my True Self is free from labels, free from purpose, free from expectation, free from responses, free from inter and intra-actions, free from all those things that cause me to be who I think I should be because others, because situations, because circumstances, tell me that is who I am.

I’ve seen that it’s not about what I do, it’s not about my responses, my needs, my goals, my aspirations, my concerns, my worries, it’s about ME. Anything that is a response is not me, not the true me, it’s a reaction or an intra-action, these things do not define me because the things that cause those said responses often originate from a person with an agenda, or they come from a situation that has the result of placing expectation and duty upon me. The most altruistic of people will have an agenda, and they also have an opinion or an expectation of me – and this triggers a response according to type and when I respond in this way I am not responding from who I really am, I am responding from who I think they think I am. A game springs into motion that has the result of further alienating me from me.

This week I have journeyed back, or within, and have begun to see those labels, those attributes that are not of me, but are born of the expectations and demands of others, or of systems, such as the world of work, or education, all those things that work to breed conformity and control and compliance. Those things that lock one into the mundane and have the effect of sealing off the True Self. All of this keys in with so much that has been happening for me in recent weeks, and all that has been reflected here in my blog. This is a continuation of a process, a process of discovery of Self in Spirit and of coming of spiritual age.

Looking out from the Tor this morning I saw a field of sheep. The sheep thought that they were free, and in a way they were. They had each other, they had food, they had all they needed – but they were contained and constrained. They were fenced in and they were under control. Soon, these beautiful, sentient beings will be slaughtered and served up as Lamb Shank at the bidding of some human being. The freedom that the sheep think they have is an illusion.

True freedom comes from breaking out of the illusion, out of the control of others and from a real embracing of our True Selves – our spiritual Self. It’s about the embracing of our Birthright, our true connection to Nature, our true connection of the Celestial, it’s from seeing ourselves free from purpose, free from any sense of external or internalised control and from seeing the truth of who we really are – Children of the One Divine Life and true Divine Magickal Beings.

At the centre is me and at the centre is you because we are of Spirit. The rest is illusion, the rest are simply hooks that cause us to respond, when the key is to be. This is all part of the continual process of initiation, that continual walk of the labyrinth, moving in and out in continual motion.

From that place of being, anything is possible. As for me, I know that I am at the starting blocks, I’m no expert at all, but I know that this is a new beginning and it’s exciting.

The White Hart

Standing between heaven and earth this morning was incredible, the energy was so tangible and powerful. I had such a sense of standing between, and a real sense of the presence of Badger as a power animal, he who knows the secrets of the inner workings of earth, I know I wasn't standing in that space alone. It was, as ever for me, a fleeting moment, but standing there was a real powerful experience, and the sense of the tension, the power between the two, and the fact that I was there, in a scared circle, between the two, was quite amazing.



Following this my attention turned again to the Lord card, and as well as badger, the Stag is represented. The Lord card has the energy of Herne the Hunter, who was also Herne the Hunted. When hunting the white hart, I have read that the white hart was a symbol of self, and the thing that the Magician hunts is indeed Self, true Self. So much brings me back to this place, time and time again, but I guess one overriding purpose of this journey is the continual discovery of Self. The layers peeling off the onion, the journeys to different realms, discoveries of deeper truths, seeing self reflected back at me, all reveal continual aspects of Self - it's the personal and spiritual development thing, both happening side by side. How can one encounter Divinity and not be transformed? How can one remain static when the call of the Lord and Lady is to move deeper into the Temple.

This knowledge of self is deeper than a psychological appreciation or self awareness, although that of course has it's place, no, it's about ones true origin and knowing why one is in this time and place - right now. Deeper than purpose, it's about a profound assurance of what Now is about, and ones own place in it. Fully and truly being Self in the Now through a deep and profound appreciation of what that means brings such results for self and others. It takes 'being' into an entirely new realm, as this state of being is beyond relaxation and calm, it's about movement into a new place altogether. Here is a place that I have glimpsed, just sampled, but it's one that I want to learn to simply step into and enjoy.

Gaining Clarity

It's been an interesting couple of weeks, it feels in some ways that I've been taken on a roller coaster ride, only this ride has been an internal journey, one that has been purposeful in clarifying what I really feel and believe when it comes to this life in this body.

I think I had my answer on 30 May when I turned the Chariot in my morning tarot meditation. I think the Dion Fortune book has been really useful, there's a lot there that I can learn and grow from, but what it has also shown me is what doesn't fit for me, as well as what does.

I do feel that I inhabit this body for this incarnation. Why I chose this body, I have no idea, but there must have been some reason! In that regard, this body is a vehicle, a vehicle in which my spirit, the essence of me, experiences and enjoys this world. Bringing the Chariot into the equation, this body knows fears, anger, aggression, love, lust, passion, the whole nine yards. These emotions, these feelings, these desires are not wrong of themselves, most certainly they are not 'sinful' but they are capable of being my master, and the key, the spiritual key, is to bring them under my control. If I am controlled by these things, then my spiritual and magickal workings will not be as effective or as powerful as when I bring them under the control of my will. All these powerful emotions and expressions can bring forth great wonders, but under the direction of my will. This is the lesson of the Chariot, and it's a lesson I was supposed to learn about a week ago!

What I have learned from the Dion book is that the essence of me, my will, is not something that lives in my brain, or as I chose to see it; it's not my Talking Self, it's the me that is far more holistic than that. Dion talks of the Will, or the essence of me, permeating from my chakras. I like this idea, as it helps me understand that the me who the Lord and Lady see is the me before name and form, the me before adaptation. The me who chose to incarnate in this time and place to learn and experience what I need to learn and experience in the Now. I am more than my thoughts, more than my brain, more that my myriad reactions to all the events of my life. I am deeper and more than all this. Developing this sense of self is part of developing my will.

So when it comes to Dion's message of being 'free of the desires of the flesh' I read it not as a charge from Paul writing to the Church of Corinth, or anywhere else. I don't see it as some mangled Christian doctrine. The lesson I take from this is simply that I am my own Master, and the feelings, desires and needs of my body are fine, but I cannot allow them to take over. It's back to this personal responsibility thing again. The tail does not wag the dog. It's about channeling what I think and feel, knowing what I think and feel, and not being controlled by these things. I think there is also something of the 'little death' lesson here. Life is continual death, preparation and rebirth, and within this there is a continual letting go and moving on into deeper and greater freedoms. If I am tied to something, dependant upon something, needing something, then I am not free. I explore my pleasures from a position of choice, not from one of enforced control. True pleasure is born of freedom and liberation.

"The nearer the source, the purer the stream" says Dion, and although I probably take her words out of context, this sums up my own spiritual philosophy perfectly. My desire is to intimately know The Source, to celebrate and revel in that Divine relationship and to know and experience the ecstatic embrace of the Divine. This is my inner hunger, and something that motivates me to travel ever forward, getting closer to this goal.

My Pagan journey, my path as Hedge Witch, is one of transformation. It's not always comfortable, change is hardly ever comfortable, and I don't do change that well, really, but it is my path and one that I embrace. From this transformation comes real and genuine joy and celebration. I look to the next phase with a smile on my face!

Essence Of Me

It's strange, considering that I talked about stability the other day, as I turned the 9 of Cups in my meditation yesterday, and this card talks about stability - the stability that comes from building on a firm and strong foundation, and this foundation arrives from the assimilation of all that I have been talking about here in recent months. Pagan bookshops are full of books that have instant spells, instant initiation, instant this, that and the other, but true initiation, true spirituality, is anything but instant. It comes from commitment, dedication, preparation and genuine surrender to the Lord and Lady.

The internal work I have been speaking about is something that is on-going, it's a process that needs to continue, as it is one that is leading me deeper into the experience of the manifestation of Higher Self - it's leading to initiation. These past couple of days work has taken over again, but now I need to claim some time back and over the weekend I want to get back into the Dion Fortune book, not to follow it slavishly, but in order to learn from her own experience and wisdom. I know that I have changed quite a lot in recent weeks, Spirit is at work, and I want this work to continue. For this to happen, I need to clear some space, and that can be as simply as taking an hour out with a book!

Transformation and growth is the fruit of my Pagan journey. Theurgy is what it is all about for me, my own personal transformation. My hearts desire is to experience what I once read as the 'ecstatic embrace of the Divine' and for me, this is about deepening my connection with the One Divine Life. I know I am connected, and I know that I experience this connection in a real way, but I want to move further forward in genuine and real experience of this.

This comes, I am sure, from a place of rest. I remember reading a text by Crowley where he spoke about ones own true will being not about purpose. I need to revisit the text, as I didn't fully comprehend the entire piece at the time, but I do remember being left with an impression of true spiritual experience coming not from some desperate seeking of meaning, but rather from a deep and profound revelation of ones true self, who one is as opposed to what one does. I'm sure Crowley meant more than that, but at the moment, it's that aspect that is talking to me the strongest. So the dedication, the commitment, the work that one needs to apply comes not from some desperate neurotic need to please or impress, as with the Lord and Lady there are no points to win, as love is there no matter what. No, it comes not from striving, but from a place of peace and a place of inner commitment to change, and a sense of knowing that this change will be for ones highest good and that the change will bring one to a place of knowing ones own true will. Simply Being.

And this brings me back to something that Shepton Witch said a few days ago, and, strangely, was something I think I said to her at much the same time, so it had to be right - it's about ones own true essence; that 'essence of me.' This is the true constant because this is who I was before name and form, before I adapted to this mundane world. It's about recapturing that essence of me and allow that to seep through all the other stuff.This is the me that Goddess and God see when they look at me, and this is the me I need to start seeing when I look in the mirror.

Developing Will

So much of my spiritual journey in recent weeks and months has been about the amalgamation of light and dark, the coming together of an inner relationship, fully appreciating, respecting, loving and embracing my inner landscape and knowing that this is the foundation of my spiritual and magickal practice. It's been about establishing a true and powerful inner relationship between Younger, Talking and Higher Self.

Today I began to see and understand the next step along the path. From this understanding of my inner landscape comes an appreciation of my emotions, my feelings, my impulses. Those emotions that have their home in Younger Self. Some feelings are fully expressed, others are oppressed, or have been silenced for many years. There's no such thing, really, as an unexpressed emotion as it will come out in some way, shape or form.

As these emotions are accessed, as Andrew (YS) feels able to express them, or bring them to the attention of Talking Self, Will needs to be developed and strengthened. It's about bringing these emotions under Will. It's not wrong to express them, but such energy needs to be focused, and released in way that affects positive change, not maximum destruction! Channeling, focusing these powerful energies is a real work-out for Will. It's an incorporation of these emotions into my True Self and bringing them under appropriate and healthy control and thus as Will develops and grows so obstacles, barriers, people, all those things that block and restrict will, one by one, be removed, opening that spiritual conduit further. It's about focusing and channeling the energy where it needs to be - and where it needs to be for the most effective magickal results.

This is progress. Understanding the movement within, those inner shifts those changes, both quick and purposeful, applying wisdom, listening to the Lord and Lady and my Guides and walking the path laid out before me brings a real sense of inner harmony, of belonging, of wholeness, and a sense of preparation for future happenings.

Relationship

I'm understanding, in a new and deep way how the exploration of self is all about relationship. It's about relationship with myself and relationship with the Divine. My relationship with Spirit moves to a new and higher level as my inner relationship deepens. It's like clearing out the conduit, getting rid of debris and dross in order for things to flow more smoothly, more effectively, more powerfully. Things were moving before, but this new level of personal work takes things to a new level.

Younger Self (YS) is full of such potential, but before that can be 'tapped' as it were, he needs to feel safe and secure to be able to step out of the shadow. YS tends to hide in the background, fearful of ridicule, and his role models have not been that brilliant. He needs to be taught by someone who actually values him and loves him for who he is. Talking Self needs to do this. It's weird, all this inner talk or 'self talk' as at times one could be forgiven for thinking that one has lost ones last remaining marble, but the effect it brings is amazing. There is a sense of wholeness, of feeling complete, and an inner sense of coming home. It is also showing me how destructive negative self talk is as it reinforces all the old patterns and negative belief systems that YS has. It's time to turn the tide in this respect.

Self love is vital here - an accepting and an embracing of self. All of this, all that I have written in the past few days can sound so feeble, so trite, so 'touchy feely' but in truth is profound stuff. When it drops from the head to the heart, it's life changing. When it moves from words on a page to words written in soul in indelible ink, anything is possible.

As my sense of identity grows, through this ever deepening inner relationship so my relationship with Goddess and God, both within and without, grows and deepens. My Will also strengthens and matures, and it is from Will that magick flows, love under Will, a Will based on a sound and profound knowledge of Self.

Goddess and God are immanent, within and without and all of this is about relationship; my relationship with myself, with Them and Them with me, because everything is connected, I am Part Of The All, there is no separation, there is no division, there are no walls - only the ones that I build. This is about a circle, a circle that cannot be broken because the ties are so strong, the relationship too deep, the connection too real.

It's real, it's there, it's happening, all I have to do is step into it.

I Am My Path

I'm at a place of taking stock after a period of stepping back and evaluating. I've clearly been led into a still quiet place for a reason, and I think, quite simply, that part of the reason, possibly even the majority of it, is to show me not just that such a place exists, but that I am able to enter it. That me, who has such a chattering mind, can enter this still quiet place and commune with Spirit and with myself. This place allows me to survey where I am and where I am going, but with the focus not on results, not on purpose, but on a sense of 'being.' This is not, however, a place of inactivity, on the contrary, it is a place of discovery, a place of deep and profound spiritual experience. It is where my being, my true self, is able to begin the journey of discovering my dynamic nature and where I begin to take steps on the process of coming to know and understand my own True Will, my True Self. I'm seeing this as a process, and not an event - it's a path, a journey, a process of continual discovery. It's not about what I do, it's not about what I achieve, it's not about the result, it's about 'being' and understanding how my true Nature manifests in my life. I sense also a kind of alignment, that is, the more time I spend in communion with Spirit the more I gain glimpses, a deeper appreciation of my true self - my course, my path - because I am my path.