Relationship With Deity

On reading through some of my old writings there are a number of themes that strike a chord with me today. One that resonates most strongly with me at the moment is relationship with Deity. It’s been good to check back and evaluate my spiritual journey as it was happening some months ago, in some cases, many months, because this has allowed to me capture the essence of that journey and has enabled me to see where I want to walk in the months that lie ahead. It’s no coincidence, I am sure, that Imbolc is just around the corner! Things are starting to stir indeed.

I think my entire spiritual journey can be summarised in the title of this entry – it’s all about my relationship with Deity. Back in the days of my Christian upbringing, whilst God was portrayed as a God of love, there was a theme running parallel to this that whilst not saying “this is what you have to do in order to win God’s love”, it was saying, and very clearly, “this is the behaviour, conduct, attitude, thought processes, beliefs and lifestyle you have to mirror in order to maintain God’s love.” There was this incredibly rigid, inflexible, almost hostile, heavy and suffocating code one had to adhere to that had the result of driving any creativity, spontaneous expression, diversity or freedom right out of the door. This had the simple and sad result of creating nothing other than clones, people who all spoke, thought and acted alike, no difference, no diversity, no creativity at all. Just sameness, all stirred together with a sense of having to reach out for God.

And it’s that sense of ‘reaching out’ that is weighing heavy on me today and it is this that has caused me to write this entry today. A mental picture that remains with me from my Charismatic Christian days is of gatherings of people (and don’t get me wrong, the majority of these people were sincere, lovely people) all singing praise to their God with their hands lifted to heaven. But these hands were not just lifted, there was something desperate here, something that spoke of a desperate hunger and a need to reach out and grab something and to pull whatever it was they found back into themselves. There was a tragedy about this and it was this picture that struck me quite vividly even when I still moved in those circles. This desperate desire was something of a neurosis and it spoke of huge effort on the part of the seeker. It left me empty.

No relationship, and most especially one with the Divine, is about rules and regulations. It can’t be about an adherence to a code or religious following of some kind of dogma – this isn’t what relationship is. Relationship is dynamic, it’s real, it has energy and power, it makes things happen, it creates things, it brings things to birth, it changes things and it’s celebratory and has moments of pure ecstasy. This is relationship!

Reflecting on my path to date I have come to see that my relationship with the One Divine Life is not about this strict and inflexible system, and neither is about looking up or back, it’s about looking within. I’ve come in for some criticism in saying this, and it’s so easy to interpret my words as little more than a call to navel gazing. This isn’t what I am saying at all. What I am saying is, as Doreen Valiente was inspired to write in her Change Of The Goddess “for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.” This isn’t just about knowing how one ticks, it’s not just about a call to psychology, it’s about understanding the Mystery and wonder that lies within each one of us.

Each of us is an expression of the One Divine Life and in this each of us is divine. Within me is the very magick that birthed creation. The same energy, the same dynamic, creative relationship. It’s not about a desperate and hungry reaching out, begging to be filled by some distant God, but rather an understanding of that relationship that already is manifest within. The wonder of all this is within me. And this doesn’t exist just to make me feel better, it’s not some egotistical thing, it’s a realisation that the beginning of which brings wholeness and healing not just to individuals, but to the land, our Earth.

My path is a journey that possibly over many lifetimes will take me closer to that ecstatic embrace of the Divine. And this starts, I feel, with understanding where my place truly lies with the One Divine Life, and taking that place begins with an acknowledgement that I, as I am today, am a perfect and pleasing expression of the One Divine Life.

The Power Of Relationship

In recent days I am beginning to see the dovetailing of a number of threads running through this blog, and that is that relationship stands at the centre of everything. My spiritual practice has it's centre, it's core, it's very being in relationship, and I'm talking about relationship within a number of areas.

Relationship With Self

This is where it starts: truly knowing oneself. This may begin on a psychological level, but this is not where this relationship can remain, it has to move on from here if one is to truly embrace the deep reality of spiritual practice. Knowing self in a real and dynamic way is one the most fundamental calls of many pagan paths, but this needs to move on to truly knowing the relationship within oneself. Those deep and hidden motivations, those dark areas one often shirks away from, it calls for stark and open honesty, transparency with self, but also with others and with Deity.

But this relationship also needs to move on from here, it cannot remain in what will only become a self serving and navel gazing exercise - this serves no purpose and no person. It needs to move into the complexity of the relationship between Younger, Talking and Higher Self, this deep and profound inner relationship, learning and discovering the part each aspect of self plays and providing the space, the freedom, the inner environment and the magical environment for this relationship to thrive. This is a process, but it is one that has to have a beginning and one that leads to true initiation with the manifestation of Higher Self - and this hails the beginning of a new relationship at a new and deeper level.

Relationship With Deity

Relationship with Deity is not a tokenistic thing, it is something of depth and power. It is not about what one can get from Deity, but from encounter and experience with Deity. It is about recognising the reality and power in immanence and recognising that Deity lives within, and one lives in Deity. I've touched on this in the Absorption of Self, but it is that profound lesson of losing self to discover the reality of the True Self, seeing that we are all One, part of the All, that in this respect, we are all Goddesses and Gods, as we all share the one relationship, we are all interconnected, interdependent and in living, dynamic relationship. Here we discover that the emphasis is not so much on polarity, but upon the wonder of a living, vibrant relationship.

Relationship With The Universe

Here I have begun to see the wonder in recognising ones place with the Universe, or The All. This began when I began to notice that as I called in the elements (earth, air, fire and water) that I was starting to become the very elements themselves. I will admit that I still don't fully understand this and I am trying to move deeper into awareness of this relationship, but I could see myself as fire, as water, as air and as earth in a real and dynamic way. And it moves on from here. Each star has a course. and the star moves freely in that course without hindrance. We too have a course, a place, a role, a relationship within and as part of The All, and as we move into that relationship so we too move without hindrance and in power. I don't claim to have fully grasped the full reality of this, but I am beginning to understand the significance and wonder of this fact. Moving into my own orbit. my own special and unique place. separate and self contained, yet interconnected and in perfect relationship with The All.

Relationship With Each Other

Again, we contain all we need for life, existence, fulfillment and spiritual power within, as we are each separate and unique, yet at the same time there is wonder, power and growth in coming together. We don't need each other in some kind of negative, needy way, but as we come together in true relationship with each other, there is much magic to be made. When that real and dynamic contact is made, on a profound level, there is wonder to behold, a strength that hitherto has not been experience. It's beyond communication and moves into another realm of experience altogether.

As I travel along my spiritual journey I begin to appreciate the reality of all I have said above. I don't pretend to have fully experienced it fully as yet, I know I have a very long way to go, but I do see that at the heart of everything, from my very core outwards, relationship, relationship within, without and with everything is the very heart of my journey.

Release

Life and time have both run away with me these past couple of days, and I don't have that much time now, but I want to check in briefly with my blog to record something that happened in meditation this morning.

I've been drawn to spend more time practising the presence of Goddess and God, as well as meeting with my Guides and animal totems. I guess some would call it pathworking, some would call it journeying, others would call it by a hundred other terms, but for me it's been an exercise in travelling to other realms, both within and without, above and below, with the intention of meeting Deity and Guides.

Today I was pushed for time, and I think I was so mindful that I was pushed for time that things simply didn't work (I learned a valuable lesson here!) but yesterday I had a very special time. One of my Guides is called Sylvia, at least that's what I think she's called, and just as Sulis, my patron Goddess is a Mother Goddess, Sylvia is a mother figure. She is also an ancestor on my mothers side. She's strong but protective, and at one point as I was journeying to meet her I felt her embrace. I had this real sense of her moving toward me and embracing me. This was a fleeting yet powerful moment and as she did this I felt a real emotive response within me. I filled with tears and really wanted to cry because the embrace was free from all agenda. There was no ulterior motive in this embrace, it was an embrace of unconditional love with total unconditional positive regard. It was an embrace of acceptance for who I am and a real sense of pleasure for who I am. It was lovely, a truly lovely moment.

I struggle with journeying like this because of the control issues I have spoken of in other entries - I find it difficult to let go. But, it is something that I want to work with and deepen. I am conscious of the call to deepen my relationship with Deity and practising the presence of the Lord and Lady, and my Guides is key to establishing not just a cognitive relationship, but one that has true meaningful depth.

Knowing, Feeling, Being

Three words came to me very strongly in my meditation this morning:

"Knowing, feeling, being"

Knowing in terms of knowing my relationship with Deity and truly experiencing that relationship in a real and profound way. In knowing Deity I discover myself, my true self, and my own true will. In that relationship I know Goddess and I know God, it's a relationship that is dynamic, personal, deep and meaningful. In knowing Goddess and God the mysteries become known to me, as They reveal them. The elements bind me to Goddess and God and I begin to know Them as They know me - it's a mutual relationship.

Knowing in terms of knowing my Guides (I have 2 that I am aware of) and my animal guides (I have 3 that I am aware of). I saw a picture of myself with my animal guides this morning, and I have a closer awareness of them being with me as a result of this, but again this is something that I want to be real. Here too is a relationship, an experience, that I want to nurture, grow and develop. I know the things my Guides, and animal guides want to bring, their qualities, but this is an area where I struggle a little because I am conscious that it sounds 'fluffy' and I don't want it to be that way. I hunger after spiritual reality above all else.

Feeling in terms of feeling my own true emotions. One thing working with Sulis has shown me is the fact that it's so easy to carry thoughts, feelings, reactions and emotions that do not belong to me. I am now able to place them where they truly belong, and not drag them around with me like some dead weight over my shoulder. Feelings in terms of daring to feel, to really feel and experience emotion as a man. To truly know what it means and what it feels like to be human, yet at the same time know and truly feel what it feels like to be a magickal being. To glory in my humanity and to celebrate my spirituality, and the totality of the one and the both. Feeling in terms of touching and experiencing this world, the wonder of it and the wonder of all things in it, and the relationship of all things. To know and to feel that I am part of The All. Not a spectator, not an observer, but an integral part, and to feel the wonder and amazement of that. To be free to feel.

Being in terms of being who I truly am, before name and form. To truly be free to be me, to dare to be me, to step into me and the wonder of me - to celebrate Me! Being in terms of laying down drives, purpose, effort and striving and to relax and sink into being. To let everything else fade away as the wonder and joy of being washes over and through me. To fall into the arms of Goddess and to allow myself to be held, not to resist, not to struggle, but to accept Her embrace and not fight it. Being in terms of knowing that being me is okay - without excuses and without justification. Just being is enough, in fact it's more than enough!

As these three words, with their simplicity and yet at the same time their enormity washed over me I was conscious of the phrase "I am your Child." I am a Child of the Goddess, and of the God, their Child, and they are my First Parents. I am as a Child, but not childish, experiencing the joy and wonder of knowing, of feeling, of being and of entering into the relationship that brings these wonders.

This is true connection with the One Divine Life - the joy of that intimate relationship.

Inner Temple

"How come you're so calm all the time?" someone said to me today "why don't you get angry [about this] I just can't get over how calm you are!" It's true, the issue she was mentioning has been raising high emotion at work, and has done for about a week, but somehow I have been able to address the situation from a place of calm, a place of peace, which has amazed even me! I do show emotion, and I do get angry, but somehow in this particular situation at this particular moment in time I've been able to draw on an inner resource of calm and peace and have remained pretty unflustered. This is a particularly good sign for me and one that I'm really pleased about. It's progress!

This inner place of peace, of security and safety is one that I have been building of late. It's like my Inner Temple, not a place of retreat, as such, as it's not a place of hiding, but a place of operation - but one that is unaffected by external stimuli. It's a place from where I can face the storm, even enter into the storm, but a place in which I am protected, a place of being held. I would like to be able to say that this place is somewhere I constantly remain, but that would be a lie! All too often I step out of this wonderful place of connection, and as soon as I do so, I know it! However, it's somewhere I am learning to live more often these days. This is the place of trust in the Divine and in my connection with the One Divine Life. This Inner Temple, in this sense, isn't so much a place, but an outworking of my relationship with the One Divine Life and of an innate trust in myself that flows from the wonder of this relationship.

Flowing from this I saw this morning that I can lay my angst, stress and worry down. The deeper I enter into the wonder of this relationship the less I need to operate from fear and anxiety and the more I can move into trust, both of Goddess, and of myself. The key is the wonder of relationship with Deity.

It's a choice, and it's also a shift of perspective. I can view my situation, my life and my future with limited vision, or with moonlight eyes. I can allow the Lord and Lady to show me all that is possible, or I can remain limited to human effort. I can travel beyond the limitation of this body and connect with the Universal Consciousness (and this I see as my Guides, my Ancestors, those and the energies of those who have gone before and the Lord and Lady). My consciousness can extend way beyond the limitations of this sensory world and therefore my perception of whatever it is that is facing me can shift. I can choose to shift my view, my perception and therefore my experience.

I turned the Sun card this morning and my mind was taken to the heat of midsummer, the heat of the Sun God. How he energizes all life, the life spark, the catalyst. There was a lizard on the card, and the sun provides them with energy, and there is a legend that the sun of the morning gives lizards their sight for the day as they are blind without it. I look to this energy, to the Sun God, to Deity, to The One Divine Life, for this special sight, this inner sight, for true inner vision.

Naked

I saw today that my need to control is like putting on a suit of armour - it's a protection. As well as concealing the wounds inflicted at various stages of my life through various methods and means, it enables me to hide. However, as well as providing protection this suit of armour keeps others out. It also limits energy flow, it hinders spiritual growth because I don't stand naked before the Lord and Lady and as a result, it's not the full me, the complete me, the true me, that I present before them.

This armour also works to hinder my vision, it restricts my view. It only allows me to see straight ahead, as through a tunnel, missing those subtle, gentle things that take place on the periphery. A brief journey this morning took me through a field, but the grass was high, I couldn't see over it - yet there was a path through this field. I came to a stream and there was no way over, yet a little further along, there was a bridge that provided safe passage. Each difficult moment had a solution in the Now, at the moment it was needed. I'm never alone.

In their kind replies to recent posts, Paul spoke about letting Goddess take one by the hand as one steps into the dark, and this describes my feelings of the moment perfectly. Shepton Witch spoke about trusting in ones self and ones personal relationship with the Divine as being the most important thing, and again, this describes perfectly the place I find myself. I know that, once again, it's time to step into the dark, to embark on another phase, another part of my spiritual journey with the Lord and Lady, and this phase is about a challenge of my trust, both in myself, and of the One Divine Life. It's a stepping into the darkness, a kind of abandonment to the Lord and Lady, taking my hands off the steering wheel and allowing Them to lead, guide, direct and show the way. A shedding of the doubts and fears that are associated with the senses and the temporal, and an embracing of perfect love and perfect trust. It all sounds so easy, doesn't it?!? I think here is another process, rather than an event. Perhaps it's a series of 'little events', just as there are a series of 'little deaths' that together combine to make the spiritual journey just that, a journey, a path that has to be travelled.

The process that lies before me has been one that has been gently building over recent weeks and in many ways it's a process that has already begun. It's about taking each piece of armour off, piece by piece, examining it, understanding it, appreciating why it is there, but then setting it down. Taking it off and leaving it off, until I stand, truly naked, before Goddess and God - and in this nakedness is my true wholeness. Standing stripped of everything that I have built around me as a source of projection I find completeness and freedom.

Relationship

I'm understanding, in a new and deep way how the exploration of self is all about relationship. It's about relationship with myself and relationship with the Divine. My relationship with Spirit moves to a new and higher level as my inner relationship deepens. It's like clearing out the conduit, getting rid of debris and dross in order for things to flow more smoothly, more effectively, more powerfully. Things were moving before, but this new level of personal work takes things to a new level.

Younger Self (YS) is full of such potential, but before that can be 'tapped' as it were, he needs to feel safe and secure to be able to step out of the shadow. YS tends to hide in the background, fearful of ridicule, and his role models have not been that brilliant. He needs to be taught by someone who actually values him and loves him for who he is. Talking Self needs to do this. It's weird, all this inner talk or 'self talk' as at times one could be forgiven for thinking that one has lost ones last remaining marble, but the effect it brings is amazing. There is a sense of wholeness, of feeling complete, and an inner sense of coming home. It is also showing me how destructive negative self talk is as it reinforces all the old patterns and negative belief systems that YS has. It's time to turn the tide in this respect.

Self love is vital here - an accepting and an embracing of self. All of this, all that I have written in the past few days can sound so feeble, so trite, so 'touchy feely' but in truth is profound stuff. When it drops from the head to the heart, it's life changing. When it moves from words on a page to words written in soul in indelible ink, anything is possible.

As my sense of identity grows, through this ever deepening inner relationship so my relationship with Goddess and God, both within and without, grows and deepens. My Will also strengthens and matures, and it is from Will that magick flows, love under Will, a Will based on a sound and profound knowledge of Self.

Goddess and God are immanent, within and without and all of this is about relationship; my relationship with myself, with Them and Them with me, because everything is connected, I am Part Of The All, there is no separation, there is no division, there are no walls - only the ones that I build. This is about a circle, a circle that cannot be broken because the ties are so strong, the relationship too deep, the connection too real.

It's real, it's there, it's happening, all I have to do is step into it.

Anything Is Possible . . .

I met with Younger Self again today and had a real sense of Younger Self being ruled by the expectations of others and as a result of this losing personal identity. This has caused YS to doubt himself on many levels and to feel 'less than' when compared to and with others.

YS seeks to be what others want him to be in order to stay safe, stay protected.

YS carries a huge weight of duty upon his shoulders and feels the need to respond to the demands and imperatives of others. "ought, should and could" rule too much of his existence. "Love me for who I am" is the cry of YS.

There is a blending into the background to stay safe, a keeping of the peace to avoid violence or the threat of violence or anger.

All the above has worked to make YS sensitive, sensitive to others, to energy shifts, to micro signals given by others. There is a real and genuine empathic gift that has arisen from all of the above. YS is a wounded healer. There is immense creative power within YS and such a positive force for healing. This is something that needs to be released.

I want to restore to YS his authenticity and his ability to be who he is, freely, without recrimination, without fear.

There is so much work to be done here. It's like I've understood so much, for so long, with my head. I know where my wounds are and I know the roots, but spending time really listening to Younger Self on a deeper and spiritual level has been incredible. I know I have more listening to do, but I also need to move into the area of healing.

A lot of this is about forgiveness. Forgiving those, truly forgiving those, who have caused hurt, pain, rejection and abandonment and with this, a space clearing. It's about clearing out those spiritual pipes of dross and debris that have restricted energy flow and limited magickal work. Opening those channels will aid and support spiritual communication between YS, Talking Self and Higher Self and thus there will be unlimited potential to magickal work. Not that this is a short-cut fix to spiritual development, I see this as an on-going process in many ways, but this is a watershed time. This moment, this period, has arrived for a reason and there seems to be such a powerfully positive energy about all this.

In YS lies so much positive creativity, so much positive energy. There is a huge restorative force, a deep empathic gift, deep intuition. YS holds the gifts of Water, and this can be released through this space clearing. YS sees no limitations, no brick walls, anything and everything is possible.

YS is stepping out from the bonds of restriction and it's exciting!



What is also fascinating is that a Ragwort plant has decided to sprout in the middle of my outside wall! It's not done it before! There's this minute crack in the wall and the Ragwort has just sprouted and it's a large plant too! Ragwort, magickally, brings protection. It's like a word from Goddess that this journey I am making is going to be a positive experience and that I am protected in it. I'm not going to get hurt. This is all about healing and moving on into a new dimension.

Growing in Strength

Walking ones path takes one down many twists and turns, and I spoke of blind alleys just the other day. It's easy to walk with ones eyes wide shut, and I am keen to not only have my eyes wide open, but to also know and trust my third eye - to test that which presents itself to me for spiritual authenticity. I've had my fingers burned a few times in this respect, not just spiritually, but from people claiming to be of spirit, when this clearly was not the truth at all. Spiritual discernment, intuition, all these things work together to make a person a spiritually strong and sound person and this is where I want to be. Growing in spiritual stature makes a person strong, and strong minded to boot, and I am aware of this inner strength, this powerful sense of self, growing within me the more I journey with the Gods. This inner strength comes from a growing sense of destiny, a growing awareness of Goddess and God and an ever developing sense of who I am and who I was called to be. A sense of my own true Will. It's an ever evolving relationship with Spirit, and with Self, who is Spirit!

Divine Union

God energy is really evident at the moment. The God at this time is maturing into a young man and his hormones are everywhere! He is strong, determined, lusty, loving, powerful yet protective, compassionate, caring. His desires are strong, his love full. There is relationship, union, oneness in the divine ecstasy between Goddess and God.

And this union is within me as Goddess and God are immanent - the fruitfulness of this union exists, resides, echoes and reverberates within me. There is creation here, power here, the room and capacity for dynamic change and transformation. This is powerful stuff and the possibilities are endless as I move into the dynamism of this relationship.