Knowing, Feeling, Being

Three words came to me very strongly in my meditation this morning:

"Knowing, feeling, being"

Knowing in terms of knowing my relationship with Deity and truly experiencing that relationship in a real and profound way. In knowing Deity I discover myself, my true self, and my own true will. In that relationship I know Goddess and I know God, it's a relationship that is dynamic, personal, deep and meaningful. In knowing Goddess and God the mysteries become known to me, as They reveal them. The elements bind me to Goddess and God and I begin to know Them as They know me - it's a mutual relationship.

Knowing in terms of knowing my Guides (I have 2 that I am aware of) and my animal guides (I have 3 that I am aware of). I saw a picture of myself with my animal guides this morning, and I have a closer awareness of them being with me as a result of this, but again this is something that I want to be real. Here too is a relationship, an experience, that I want to nurture, grow and develop. I know the things my Guides, and animal guides want to bring, their qualities, but this is an area where I struggle a little because I am conscious that it sounds 'fluffy' and I don't want it to be that way. I hunger after spiritual reality above all else.

Feeling in terms of feeling my own true emotions. One thing working with Sulis has shown me is the fact that it's so easy to carry thoughts, feelings, reactions and emotions that do not belong to me. I am now able to place them where they truly belong, and not drag them around with me like some dead weight over my shoulder. Feelings in terms of daring to feel, to really feel and experience emotion as a man. To truly know what it means and what it feels like to be human, yet at the same time know and truly feel what it feels like to be a magickal being. To glory in my humanity and to celebrate my spirituality, and the totality of the one and the both. Feeling in terms of touching and experiencing this world, the wonder of it and the wonder of all things in it, and the relationship of all things. To know and to feel that I am part of The All. Not a spectator, not an observer, but an integral part, and to feel the wonder and amazement of that. To be free to feel.

Being in terms of being who I truly am, before name and form. To truly be free to be me, to dare to be me, to step into me and the wonder of me - to celebrate Me! Being in terms of laying down drives, purpose, effort and striving and to relax and sink into being. To let everything else fade away as the wonder and joy of being washes over and through me. To fall into the arms of Goddess and to allow myself to be held, not to resist, not to struggle, but to accept Her embrace and not fight it. Being in terms of knowing that being me is okay - without excuses and without justification. Just being is enough, in fact it's more than enough!

As these three words, with their simplicity and yet at the same time their enormity washed over me I was conscious of the phrase "I am your Child." I am a Child of the Goddess, and of the God, their Child, and they are my First Parents. I am as a Child, but not childish, experiencing the joy and wonder of knowing, of feeling, of being and of entering into the relationship that brings these wonders.

This is true connection with the One Divine Life - the joy of that intimate relationship.

Balance

"Yes, you just have to be balanced Andy, don't you?" snapped a staff member a few years. I was trying to explain why I had written his reference in the way that I had, and he wasn't at all pleased. I think it meant that he didn't get the job, but I had to provide the reality, the balance, in his reference, not to have done so would have been pretty reckless.

This all came back to me this morning as I turned two tarot cards that seem to be polar opposites, one speaking of the need for action, and the other speaking of the need for rest. As I first looked, I was confused, but then the truth of the situation soon became apparent. As a Hedge Witch I am called to 'stand between' - between the world, between light and dark, day and night, justice and injustice - I am called to bring that balance, and sometimes to actually be that balance itself.

I find it incredible that I turned these cards in the week that is taking me to the Solstice Point! That place of perfect balance.

We've been talking a lot recently on our blogs about perhaps thinking too much when we should be actually doing something, and I agree that if we all do is think, then nothing will ever get done. However, I am convinced that what we do, especially when we're talking from a spiritual perspective, should come from a place of rest, a place of calm, a place of deep conviction, experience, knowledge and spiritual power.

I was once involved with a local Goddess movement, and I really thought that this group had something. I soon became disappointed when I began to look closer at the centre of this group, because what I found was not a powerful spiritual centre at all, but a core of questionable motives and general mistrust, suspicion and fighting. The ceremonies and rituals conducted came not from a spiritual centre, but from this fractured centre, there was no place of rest at the core, so things began to falter.

This is what the two cards were saying very powerfully to me this morning. I can be so reactionary, I can leap before I think, speak before I think, move into a place of stress and lose perspective, when at my core what I need is this place of rest. This rest isn't passive and it isn't inactive, it's proactive. It brings growth and it brings action, but it brings these things from a hub, from a centre that is at peace with self and with the One Divine Life. It comes from a place of connection that is aware of that connection, living in that connection and experiencing that connection. Not from a spiritual neurosis, but from a spiritual centre - a reservoir of spiritual energy.

There are echoes here of 'the essence of me' being at the core of all I do, and this isn't about rushing and doing, it's about a sincere knowledge and awareness of self, true self, and of my own true will, and this comes from a deep and personal relationship with the One Divine Life as revealed to me by the Lord and Lady.

So many opposing factors vie for my attention and place demands upon me on a daily basis, but I can choose to operate from this place of calm and this place of calm is a place of strength. I can set the scene as opposed to being ruled by unfolding events, I create my own reality. I do not have to operate from a place of turmoil and angst, I can move from a place of calm that inspires growth and development.

So it is all about balance. Yes, I have to move, there's action to take, I cannot be inactive, but I move from a place of calm, a place of rest, and this is a place of assurance and confidence in who I am, who I am called to be and the tradition in which I have my roots.

This balance is a place of personal power.

Essence Of Me

It's strange, considering that I talked about stability the other day, as I turned the 9 of Cups in my meditation yesterday, and this card talks about stability - the stability that comes from building on a firm and strong foundation, and this foundation arrives from the assimilation of all that I have been talking about here in recent months. Pagan bookshops are full of books that have instant spells, instant initiation, instant this, that and the other, but true initiation, true spirituality, is anything but instant. It comes from commitment, dedication, preparation and genuine surrender to the Lord and Lady.

The internal work I have been speaking about is something that is on-going, it's a process that needs to continue, as it is one that is leading me deeper into the experience of the manifestation of Higher Self - it's leading to initiation. These past couple of days work has taken over again, but now I need to claim some time back and over the weekend I want to get back into the Dion Fortune book, not to follow it slavishly, but in order to learn from her own experience and wisdom. I know that I have changed quite a lot in recent weeks, Spirit is at work, and I want this work to continue. For this to happen, I need to clear some space, and that can be as simply as taking an hour out with a book!

Transformation and growth is the fruit of my Pagan journey. Theurgy is what it is all about for me, my own personal transformation. My hearts desire is to experience what I once read as the 'ecstatic embrace of the Divine' and for me, this is about deepening my connection with the One Divine Life. I know I am connected, and I know that I experience this connection in a real way, but I want to move further forward in genuine and real experience of this.

This comes, I am sure, from a place of rest. I remember reading a text by Crowley where he spoke about ones own true will being not about purpose. I need to revisit the text, as I didn't fully comprehend the entire piece at the time, but I do remember being left with an impression of true spiritual experience coming not from some desperate seeking of meaning, but rather from a deep and profound revelation of ones true self, who one is as opposed to what one does. I'm sure Crowley meant more than that, but at the moment, it's that aspect that is talking to me the strongest. So the dedication, the commitment, the work that one needs to apply comes not from some desperate neurotic need to please or impress, as with the Lord and Lady there are no points to win, as love is there no matter what. No, it comes not from striving, but from a place of peace and a place of inner commitment to change, and a sense of knowing that this change will be for ones highest good and that the change will bring one to a place of knowing ones own true will. Simply Being.

And this brings me back to something that Shepton Witch said a few days ago, and, strangely, was something I think I said to her at much the same time, so it had to be right - it's about ones own true essence; that 'essence of me.' This is the true constant because this is who I was before name and form, before I adapted to this mundane world. It's about recapturing that essence of me and allow that to seep through all the other stuff.This is the me that Goddess and God see when they look at me, and this is the me I need to start seeing when I look in the mirror.