Imbolc

This is one of my most favourite times of the year. The promise of Imbolc, for me, is one of the most powerful and moving of seasons, as we celebrate the fact, the truth that nothing ever dies. Here, for me, is where the wheel of the year brings forth its promise, those first stirrings of hope, those very early signs that the pain and challenge of the Dark Season is now bringing forth its promise. Just when it felt that all was lost, that death and dark were all there ever would be, comes the very early sign that there is hope. There is life . . . that the journey has not led to death, but it has led to transformation, to change, and now here, once more, is the promise of life. Nothing really dies.

And the Dark is often terrible – but necessary. I can’t subscribe to the fluffy notion that as a spiritual person all will be love and light. It’s not all about dancing and singing. That’s not real. That’s not life and it certainly isn’t a true spiritual experience. To embrace Light is to embrace Dark. Every seed of promise has its bed in the dark and germinates in the dark and only after the process of germination does it begin to reach of the light.

It’s so easy to lose sight of our spiritual reality and to believe that what we see, touch, hear, feel and taste is all there is. We experience this temporal existence through our five senses and at times it’s easy to become fooled into thinking along these temporal lines. We become attached to the material and to the physical, however subtly, and then it’s not long before we’re projecting the temporal into some kind of superior and only reality. This is a blind alley I have walked down too many times and it’s only when I fall into the pit at the end of this alley that I realise the folly of my ways. It’s The Fools Journey.

In my experience it is the Dark that reveals the folly of this and causes me to look within, as well as up, and to see the true reality and not just that which presents itself before me each day. Gwyn ap Nudd, Keeper of the Underworld, strips away all that is pretence, all that is not needed, all that does not serve, to reveal that which is of the Higher Mind. It is impossible to fully embrace the wonder of the Light if one has not travelled with the Dark. The Dark is the place of true transformation, where one is honed and then free to burst forth into the Light, as Light. Here is the mystery, here is the wonder.

Some like to look at the Dark as evil. This is a terrible but commonplace misunderstanding. The Dark is not evil at all, rather it is part of Life, part of the mystery, and part of me. As I journey into the very womb of the Mother so I am confronted with that which is unnecessary and contrary to my own spiritual evolution. Yes, here is often pain and here is often torment, but this is not evil or bad. The pain and torment comes from me, from my own attachment and refusal to let go. The pain is about my own resistance. The Dark is all about release, liberation and freedom and a true sense of being prepared for the wonder of rebirth. It is that continual process of Little Death that leads to the wonder of continual rebirth. I cannot appreciate the true wonder of rebirth if I have not allowed that to die which no longer serves my better interest.

There is nothing fluffy about this.

There has to be Death before Life. No matter how hard I have tried to avoid this in the past, the reality of the fact comes home, and at times has had to hit me hard. There are no short cuts, no quick fixes. If I want to walk in the way of the Gods, then I have to accept that I open myself to the fires of transformation and, if I want to know the joy and release that first has its promise at Imbolc, then I need to journey through the Dark that is Samhain.

So the promise of Light at Imbolc is a celebration because to me it’s about being catapulted out into a new place. It’s also about knowing that I am part of that Light. I am a Light of the World. As I continue to journey with The Mother, so I am being transformed, part of my journey before I return to source.

Nothing really dies. We may taste terrors, we may experience pain, we may stare death in the face, but we do not die and this is the promise, the wonder of Imbolc. The cycle continues, the circle is joined, the mystery is revealed.

Goddess and God reveal the wonder of this time of year in those swelling buds, those first green shoots that we can see in our own gardens. Within us too, those shoots are growing, those intentions set in the Dark are now reaching for the Light and will, very soon, burst out of the Dark, triumphant, as they reach for the Light, toward heaven, our true home.

And I am a Light of This World, as are all who walk with the Gods and who seek initiation. We bring Light because we are Light. The Light of our Higher Self radiates from within at ever increasing levels as we walk our path.

So at Imbolc I celebrate my true reality, my true connection. I am birthed, once more, from Darkness into Light and look to the forward year of promise and growth.

When I'm Calling Your Name . . .

I've said in a recent post that the events of the past few months have hammered home to me the truth that I am not my body. I live in my body for this incarnation, but my body is not me and I am not my body. I am more, much, much more than the flesh and blood that keeps my current vehicle physically alive. I am more than my drives, more than my impulses and more than flesh, blood and bone.

Likewise I am more than the things I feel. I am not my feelings and my feelings are not me. My emotions do not provide me with my identity. My identity comes from something much older, something that existed before my current body was formed and that will survive long after my current vehicle returns to the Earth.

This is something I've known for ages . . . but that's it, I've known it - has it actually sunk deep within me? I don't think it actually has. Like all of us I've become aware of just how much I've been clinging to this body and this apparent existance - that which I can so easily see, taste, touch, hear and smell, and it's this clinging, this inbuilt sense of dependence that in effect creates the false reality that has the potential to fool me over and over again until I start to trust, once again, in that which cannot be really trusted. The end result of this is that I actually loose connection with who I truly am. This happens as a result of impulse, or desire, overtaking will and instead of this vehicle becoming a voluntary collaborator, it becomes my master, and that's not good!

Spiritual growth has its birth in truly knowing who I am and more than that, living and acting and being in that truth. A member of staff said to me today "I'm a human being not a human doing!" and it made me smile that this old adage was being reflected back to me. It's a hackneyed statement, I agree, but one that contains such truth for all of that. What I do does not define me, even what I feel does not define me, it's the truth of who I really am that defines me and this comes from moving out of the realm of reactivity into the realm of claiming and living in the truth of my own birthright - I am from Source and I am of Source - I am as Source.

I have a sense of needing to travel back to the place of my origination. I have no idea if that makes any sense to any one at all, but I know what I mean! A need to travel back to the place of my true birth. Long ago, as recorded in this blog, I embraced Andrew, my Younger Self, and this was a deep and significant move forward for me, but in many ways that was something that happened on a psychological level - but no less real for that. Now I see I have a need to move in the power of my Magickal name and to truly embrace that aspect of me and to allow the power of that to flow through my physical body. I need to move in the power of who I really am and celebrate the strength and power of this. It's not just a case of being given a Magickal Name, it's actually about moving in the reality of that in a real and living way.

The more than time goes on the more disconnected I feel to this physical body. I don't mean that I disrespect it and I don't mean that I don't enjoy it. I experience this world and this incarnation through it, and many of those experiences and feelings are very pleasurable, but that's not all that it's about. I'm beginning to appreciate what the combining of the magickal and the pagan aspects of my spirituality means, and in a sense it feels as if I am becoming ever more Mystic. That's surprised me to an extent, but it seems that's the way I seem to be developing.

I don't think that this body needs to be punished into submission. Somehow it's about the body, the emotions, the mind coming together and working in cooperation and harmony with Spirit and somewhere in here, for me at least, it has something to do with fully and truly embracing that Magickal aspect of me and moving with it and in it. Truly being who I really am, fully connecting with my True Self, but on a much deeper level than I have hitherto experienced.

I don't pretend to know how all of this is supposed to happen, but it's a path that appears to be opening up ahead of me and it's one that I will have to walk down and, once again, it's a process that I feel will have it's inception at Imbolc.

It all starts on Sunday, then!

Initiation

. . . the work of a magician is to know and master his or her own self. The magicians task is to concentrate and manipulate the diverse forces in his or her own nature until those forces interact, disintegrate, and change to emerge reassembled and reborn. What occurs is not only a mystical experience or immediate perception of the presence of an almighty and supreme power, it is a complex rebuilding of the machinery of experience and perception itself.

I came upon this quote today which seems to encapsulate much of where I have been led in recent weeks and months. Whilst I cannot and do not consider myself to be a magician (yet!), the goal of this quote resonates deeply with me.

When I am called to 'know thyself' this really isn't a surface, self indulgent thing. It is about knowing myself in my physical body, knowing the reactions and interactions (as well as the intra-actions) of my body and senses, but it's also about something much deeper than that. It's also about knowing that I am not my body, but rather I am that which uses this body. The Spirit within me is that of the Universal Spirit - Source, that which is part of everything, in everything and is everything. This is the foundation upon which everything has been built and upon which I must also build. It's a concept which blows my mind, and in truth I don't think I've fully got my head around it as yet! However, it is something to which I am constantly being drawn, so without doubt I am being called to know and understand the profundity of this message.

The 'disintegration' part of the above quote is also interesting. This is another concept to which my mind is continually drawn. This is a process that I feel I shy away from in many ways, although I've been through it on some levels in the past. This is about another form of changing my perception - as the quote itself concludes. It's the way I see myself, my body, and consequently my ego, or talking self. It is about bringing the pillars of self down, of making that room, that space, that capacity within me that will allow the Inner Light of my Higher Self to manifest and shine from within me. I think it is a process as much as an event, but there is a personal call for me to work at a higher level on this very issue.

This leads to my rebirth, and at this time of Samhain death and rebirth are very much in the forefront of my mind. This is the rebirth of the Initiate. There is something here about really embracing Cerridwen's cauldon, of seeing myself in there, in the mix, so to speak, and being transformed as a result. Not just on a mundane day by day level, but on a true initiatory level. A letting go of the pampering and clinging to self, and an embracing of the true reality of me and what it means to be a Child of the Goddess - an Initiate.

The more I meditate upon initiation the more I see that it is not a one off event, but rather it is something like a spiral, and I spiral in and I spiral out, on this continuous cycle of initiation.

What I am after, what I am seeking is reality. I am not interested in delusion of self. I am setting my intention very clearly as this year closes and that is to open myself to Deity in a new and more profound way and to truly embrace my path and my calling. I don't fully know where this will take me and maybe I don't even fully appreciate the depth or gravity of what I am saying here, but this is the desire of my heart; to truly move into a new area of experience and depth. I seek to dance with my Gods in a close and profound way and for this to reflect itself through my own personal transformation and for this to be evident to others.