Monday, 16 February 2009

A Confused Ramble

I know I've written about this before, but I am constantly aware of how attached I am to this physical world. It's all I've known for the past 46 years and as I touch and feel and smell and see and hear all that is about me it's reality and substance are undeniable, but then, as I buy into that seeming truth I become aware of my own bodies mortality. This body is temporal, transient, passing through this reality, this dimension, this plane. A vehicle, a tent, housing my immortal spirit, a spiritual evolution.

Lately I have been wondering where the three strands of my path: (1) pagan, (2) spiritual mystic and (3) magick, dovetail, and sometimes I wonder if they come together at all! However, in my heart, I know they do. To me the 3 make sense and work together very well, but at other times, as in my opening paragraph, there appears to be conflict, and it is this conflict that I am trying to resolve at the moment.

My pagan self tells me this world is to be honoured and respected, celebrated and enjoyed, for it is the Divine manifest. My body is also to be enjoyed and my senses are the tools I have to understand, explore and enjoy this world. My spiritual mystic self tells me that this is a one dimensional experience and I can travel beyond this plane, both in my mind and in my spirit, to higher and greater realms and that to buy solely into this plane is to limit and hinder myself and will result in my not fulfilling all that I am capable of. My magickal self tells me that I can steer the chariot, that in finding my own true will and in living my life in accordance with the One Divine Mind I am capable of more than I can appreciate because I am more than flesh and blood. I am one with The All, part of the mystery. Here is conflict, but also here is unity and somewhere here is balance, and it is this balance that I am currently seeking within what feels like a patch of confusion at the moment.

I'm growing out of something and growing into something else and I don't quite get it at the moment. I'm shedding a skin, moving on, taking the next step, and me being me I need a framework to hang all of this upon, a philosophy, something upon which I can build, but at the moment I feel more like I'm walking into a new area that is unknown to me, unfamiliar, and I feel a little more spiritually unsure, less confident. Not questioning, as I know I'm where I need to be . . . I guess I'm just a little more unsure of where it is I actually am!

Right now I'm more aware of what I don't know than what I do. I'm not entirely sure I like that feeling, but here, once again, is a call for me to relinquish control and, not go with the flow as such, because as it was once put to me 'only dead fish go with the flow', but rather to understand just where I am and to slowly steer the ship through this part of the journey until the next destination becomes a little clearer for me.

I guess I'm also wanting to be sure that I do indeed have it right, so there's some introspection and a testing of myself going on as well. Never a bad thing, but not always a comfortable place to be!

1 comment:

starofseshat said...

This is the problem with working predominantly as a solitary - if you are a hard-working solitary you will continually question your direction, motivation, achievements. This is good, but I know from my own experience that it can tie you in knots and make you feel like you are actually not going anywhere.
I will be posting a piece soon (just waiting for approval from a particular person!) that could give you food for thought on a couple of issues: the role of spirituality next to magick and the role of the body in spiritual development. I will send you an email when the post is up.
love to you
Seshat