Friday, 30 May 2008

The Chariot

So much has been happening over the past few days, but I've also been busy with other things, so I've not been able to get to the PC to update.

The Chariot has appeared in my tarot spread over the past two weeks, and I find its reappearance really interesting. The Chariot seems to be brining me a clear message at the moment, and it's obviously something to which I need to pay attention.

There are two horses, one black, one white and this has worked over the past two weeks to reinforce the genuine need to bring together all aspects of self and not to see either as a polar opposite, but to integrate both into that inner relationship, thereby bringing inner wholeness through relationship. Life is gestated in darkness, seeds germinate in the dark, this the place of initial growth, yet as growth commences, so they seek the light. Both are required for life.

The horses are under the control of the driver. Control is a huge issue for me, I bulk at any kind of control, be it through individuals, organisations, structure, dogma or any such thing. I have fought for many years for the right to be my own person. I think an upbringing of control through religion is the root of this detirmination, but the message of the Chariot is clear in that deep inner emotions and impulses need to come under my own control. This control isn't a forceful, suppressing or oppressive thing, but rather a control that comes from discipline and from the development of my own true will. The inner impulses of which I speak are not wrong, and their expression is not wrong, but it's about bringing my own inner world under the control of my intellect and will and channeling these natural forces into a powerful force. It's a further development of knowing myself in an intimate yet powerful way.

"The tendency of the spiritual mind is to niceness but we should be firm minded not nice minded"

goes a quote that I heard some time ago, but for the life of me can't remember the source! The Chariot reinforces this message, true spirituality isn't always about being nice to all things, it's about deep inner transformation and growth, a series of continual transitions. To stand still is to stagnate, and stagnation equals death - it isn't an option.

There's something here about personal responsibility, taking personal control, speaking ones truth and standing up to take the consequences of that, not being afraid of change, not seeing change as a threat to security, but learning to move with the ebb and flow of spiritual movement, and being intuitive and responsive enough to both hear and heed the call. As a Magickal Being I create my own reality and I set my own destiny, and there's something here about accepting personal responsibility for that, not pointing the finger, not blaming people and circumstances, but realising that I can do something about it. This is the truth and reality of standing in ones power. It's a moving from bring reactive to proactive. The myriad emotions that exist within me, my desires, passions, thoughts, feelings are there to serve, not control. My body is where I am choosing to live in this incarnation, my senses are how I experience the world in this incarnation, and that's cool, but it's also not all there is, to limit myself to such a narrow experience of life is to miss out on spiritual dynamism and reality.

Personal determination, personal discipline, personal dedication, all requirements to a productive spiritual life. The rider of the Chariot knows the destination and there's little that will alter her course. Whilst there's something here of controlling anger and aggression, there is also something about developing those vital aspects of the spiritual being - determination and a focused, steadfast mind.

This is one more stage of the letting go process. Letting go of fear, the fear of change because any change shifts the foundation, alters the perception, shifts the goalposts. This is a letting go of that which no longer serves, but also an embracing of that which does - it's a 'little death' leading to a bigger life, a period of transition, stepping ever closer to initiation, which in itself is a continual process.

There's also something here of a walking consciousness, being aware of my intra-actions as well as my interactions, clearing out the conduit to allow for ever greater communication between Younger, Talking and Higher Self.

Now I need to pull all this together - I think that's enough to be going on with!!!

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Honesty With Self

The motives of ones one self are hard to define. We all do things because we have needs, and we want our needs met. The most pure of friendships exists because we have need of company, or the person brings into our life something that we need, even if just for a passing moment. It's a reciprocal thing, rarely altruistic in nature. So really examining ones own motives is a tough thing, but a necessary requirement. If we can't be honest with ourselves, who can we be honest with?

Calling Goddess to shine Her light into those dark and dusty corners of ones own experience isn't a comfortable thing, but it's a necessary thing. In her book Dion Fortune talks of the problems that could occur should Higher Self manifest in a body that is ill prepared - she cites St Paul being temporarily blinded on the Damascus Road as an example. Again, I shirk a little from the Christian analogy, although it serves a purpose.

There is something serious here. A need to apply oneself to the task in hand, of daring to be honest and frank with self and lowering the mask, even if it is just for me to look at! How honest are we being with ourselves about ourselves? When we are alone, truly alone, are we comfortable with ourselves?

I wrote some time ago about Crowley and how he felt it so important that we should write our own philosophy and be clear about what it was we were seeking and why. It kind of echoes Dion Fortunes words in the Training and Work Of An Initiate, in that she says, so clearly, that it's pivotal we release the bondage of the senses and of the flesh - that our desires become a desire for that true connection with the One Divine Life.

It's not that life ends, it's not that pleasure ends, it's not that fun ends, it's not that we cease to be, rather it's that we start the process of 'becoming', we begin that process of transformation, transition by transition, becoming who we really are. This must start with personal honestly, being clear about motives, where we are and where we want to be. Establishing that foundation of truth and personal integrity.

I'm not sure what's happened in these past few days, but I know that I've taken a step forward, I'm in a new place, yet not entirely sure where I am.

New Moon is coming up and I'm thinking of writing a brief ritual of my desire to move forward, a kind of setting my intention towards initiation, and seeing this grow and develop as the Moon waxes. It's a journey, and the journey of a lifetime, but this does feel like something of a new beginning.

Monday, 26 May 2008

The Illusion Of Ego

This is going to be short, but I just need to get a few things down from my thoughts and feelings of yesterday before I loose or forget them!

This posting carries an 'Incoherent Rambling' warning, as I'm thinking aloud, trying to grapple with my thoughts of the past few days. I doubt this will make any sense. It needs to be read together with yesterdays posting, and my reply to Tess on my Comments section.

Dion (Fortune) talks about the letting go of the 'bondage of the senses' which feels somewhat different to Ego as I have understood it to mean in the past. What I also find interesting, however, is that Dion hints at 'Westerners' struggling with this concept, so it could be that she was influenced by the Eastern concept of ego, which in Buddhism, is illusion and this illusion goes on to perpetuate all illusion. Could it be that the bondage of the senses, as described by Dion, has more to do with ones illusion of self, as opposed to who one really is? This would then tie in with the Witch's directive to 'know thyself' - and that is, to know who one really is, not who one thinks one is! In this instance it would be more about laying down falsehood, self delusion, false motivations, self seeking behaviours, passive-aggression, all those negative attributes that only work to attract negativity like a magnet, and only succeed in dragging one down into the mire. I don't think this is all that Dion means, but I do feel that it's a great part of it. Letting go of the lies of self illusion is part of the journey towards true initiation. It's about embracing the truth of oneself and letting go of the mask, the facade, that one may use to fool some of the people some of the time, but that which will never allow true connection to the One Divine Life. It's daring to look into the mirror that Goddess holds up for us to stare deeply into, and to really see who it is who looks back at us.

I think too, that there has to be something here about letting go of experiencing the world only through our physical senses. We experience the mundane world through our bodily senses, and this is fine, but it's not fine if we limit ourselves to this. As was said by an author whose name now escapes me:

. . . our consciousness is not dependant on the body, but can extend beyond the limits of the sensory world.

and Dion must have had this in mind as well, as she wrote these pages.

I also think, however, that there is something of the 'little death' here, and that this presents something of a battle. It's not a death of the 'sinful self' as Christians would have us believe, as I don't believe that we are inherently sinful. I'm not even sure that I know what 'sin' is anymore, even if it exists at all. Dion talks a lot about the 'flesh' and this reminds me too much of the writings of St Paul in the New Testament, however, I do think that there's a letting go of that to which we cling. Where does my sense of identity have it's birth? What is it that defines me?

I can point to markers along my life path that have shaped me in some way, sense or form. I can point to life events, significant events, childhood trauma, teachers, school kids, ill health, many, many things that have shaped me - but who is the Me that they have shaped? This is simply the me that clings to this body, the me that sees death as a threat to survival, as an ending. As The End. This is not the me that connects to the One Divine Life. I think that part of what Dion talks about is the laying down of the Overcoat. The me that isn't me at all. The me that is simply a mass of adaptations from the myriad interactions that have molded me over the years into something unrecognisable. The me that clings to this body is all of the above and in the laying down of this illusion I will begin to open the door to the manifestation of the One Divine Life.

I hope this makes sense in the morning!

Sunday, 25 May 2008

Seeking Clear Air

" . . . our individual lives, and every happening of those lives, is an integral part of the cosmic whole; it shows us our individual relationship to that whole."

says Dion Fortune in the book "The Work and Training of an Initiate." She also goes on to say that it takes 3 lives of steadfast effort to find the path on initiation. The more I read of this book, the more I feel that I am more than likely on life number 1, as the more I discover, the more I realise the little that I know!

The above quote stuck me in a powerful way, as I read it, as my part in the universal plan has been something that I've been thinking about in recent days. As we look at photographs of Nature in our back gardens, I've come to see that any person can be a lover of Nature, of the beauty that surrounds us, the wonderful flowers, trees, plants and incredible views from places of natural beauty, but few of us take the next step into not only appreciating but also experiencing that we are part of Nature. Part Of The All. We are not just Nature lovers, but Nature People. We not just observers of all that is around us, but we are intrinsically connected to all that is around us - we are part of the Cosmic Whole and we have a direct relationship with the Cosmic Whole. This is what is meant by on the Web of Life. We each have our place on that web, and we each send out our own unique vibration from our place on the Web of Life. More so, that vibration is required, it's needed, as we are interconnected to everyone else on that Web, and they need the vibration that we send. This is all part of the co-dependency of life.

Life, death and rebirth are part of the natural cycle of life, and as Nature People we move beyond the casual observation of all that surrounds us and understand that as we witness the happenings without, so we experience the same within. This also takes us to understand that "as above, so below." The 'little deaths' are required in order for us to move on in what I tend to see as a continual process of initiation. We are always spiraling in or spiraling out, as initiation isn't something that we experience as a one off, or as part of a series of 3, but something that is a continual part of our spiritual development.

Dion uses a lot of Christian imagery and uses a number of direct references to biblical themes in this book (I'm only just into it, so this isn't a review as such) and I struggle with this to a degree, because of my upbringing. It's clear that she never let go, completely, of her Christian roots. She talks a lot about triumphing over 'the flesh' and the need for the serious student to surrender the 'things of the senses' in order for the Higher Self to manifest. Whilst I struggle with the Christian concept of this, it does make sense to me when I see it in relation to the laying down of the Ego. It also makes sense to me when I see it as a path of 'little deaths' as Amber K talked about in her little book 'True Magick.' There is a call to sacrifice, there is a call to dedication. If we want to know that sense of true connection to the one Divine Life, then we have to live in accord with that one Divine Life and therefore our own motives are called into question and there has to be a process of 'sieving' before we can move on as true Magickal people. Dion talks about Westerners struggling with this because we see death as an ending, as opposed to a new beginning. Death is but a sunset, she says, to be followed by a new day. The laying down of our own desires and motives is the sunset before the process of initiation when we begin to know and experience the wonder of the Higher Self manifesting and through this knowing what it truly means to be connected to the One Divine Life. It's powerful stuff!

Dion talks of this process lifting us into a place of "serener air, clear of the accumulated heap of daily pettiness that threatens to bury us". I can relate to that statement so very closely!

Dion also talks of two paths, one being what she calls the path of the mystic (and she says that this path does not teach reincarnation) and the occult path. In this she seems (and remember that I'm only part in, so I may not be clear on her thinking at this stage) to separate religion and magick. As I've said before, I'm clear that magick can operate outside of a religious framework, there's no doubt about that, but for my path, magick happens within a clear spiritual and religious practice.

There's loads to draw from here, and I think I'm only just beginning to appreciate how it all fits together!

Saturday, 24 May 2008

Gift From The Goddess

Isn't it amazing what can suddenly appear in ones garden? I didn't plant this Iris, it's a gift from the Goddess (via a feathered friend, no doubt!) It's beautiful, such a deep purple, and so many flower heads.

Laura Mae, one of my cats, has also been making herself at home in the garden whilst I've been busy cleaning inside! She finds a bed in many and varied places, and she always looks so comfortable!

And now I'm off to a 50th Birthdy party!

Friday, 23 May 2008

She Reminds Me

These past two days have been somewhat chaotic, work wise. I'm not a workaholic, I don't work over my hours as a rule, but there are times when I have to get to meetings that start early, or situations where I'm just not able to get away on time, no matter how much I prioritise or time manage. I don't like it when that happens and I am starting to increasingly resent it when impacts and adversely affects elements of my life that I consider more important. It's just not physically possible for me to spend time in meditation when I have to leave the house too early. I'm also feeling quite tired, so I think an early night is called for!

I've been singing the chorus of a Julie Felix song most of today:

"She reminds me of who I am
She reminds me of who I am

She reminds me I'm a daughter (I sang 'child') of the earth
She reminds me of the sea that gave me birth
She reminds me I am the Mother's child
She reminds me of my passion deep and wild

She reminds me of who I am
She reminds me of who I am"

Such simple words, yet powerful in their simplicity. Simple is often powerful, why we have this need to over complicate I shall never know. These words often help me keep a sense of perspective when the mundane world bursts into my life with a little more force than I would otherwise want!

I am a child of the Earth, I came from the Earth and I will return to the Earth. My roots are deep in the Underworld, the place of death, preparation and rebirth, my trunk in this world with branches leading to the heavens, touching the furthest star, connected above and below. This song helps remind me of that.

And I am the Mother's Child. My first Goddess is Sulis (I talk about her on my web site) Goddess of the hot, healing springs of Bath. Mother of Fire, Mother of Water, Great Protector, First Mother, Healer and restorer, Goddess of blessing, Goddess of curse. Again, the simple words of this song can take me into a walking meditation in the midst of an otherwise busy and stressful day. And today has been stressful. Sulis, Goddess of Fire - of passion, of purity, of spiritual power, of transformation, of light in darkness, of strength, of creativity. Sulis, Goddess of Water, of healing, of connection with true Self, of deep emotion, of internal change and transition, of subtle shifts and movement, of depth, of understanding, true knowledge of self, knowing what's mine and that which does not belong to me.

Ah, it's good to be home, in every sense of the word!

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

The Chattering Mind!

For some reason I struggled to get past my chattering mind in meditation this morning. Things didn't flow quite as easily as they usually do. This probably wasn't helped by the fact that I had stubbed my toe just prior to going to the Temple Room and then when I was settling down to meditation, one of the cats decided that was the moment they needed to holler for about five minutes!

Once I settled, I had a real sense of a foundation having been laid - now I have to build upon it! It's like, here is where the work starts! It's like a piece of work has been accomplished, but now the real work begins.

The foundation is knowing myself, and some real progress has been made there, as who I am is the foundation of my spiritual and personal development. Key to this is listening to myself, really tuning into that inner voice, and knowing my own voice above the clutter, confusion and muddle of my own mind. So much clamours for my attention, often with a head full of work and other stuff, when I just don't want that clutter there! I called to Air this morning for all this crazy clutter to be blown away!

I'm entering a time where I need to dedicate and apply myself to some serious reading and study. I need to deepen my understanding and not just rely on what I know, but further that knowledge, and this needs to be combined with experience and practice. I'm part of the celebration and dance of life, but the joy and celebration comes hand in hand with the personal application and dedication.

Broadening my knowledge and understanding firms up and strengthens the solid foundation and allows for the building of the structure. I want the building to be built correctly, not on fluff and drivel, but with sound stuff! There's so much stuff out there and one needs to show real discernment when buying books.

All this has flowed from turning the High Priest card - and it's clear that my reading needs to expand beyond that of my own path to explore than which has informed it. I've starting reading Dion Fortunes 'The Training and Work Of An Initiate' so I'll see where that takes me!

Tuesday, 20 May 2008

Developing Will

So much of my spiritual journey in recent weeks and months has been about the amalgamation of light and dark, the coming together of an inner relationship, fully appreciating, respecting, loving and embracing my inner landscape and knowing that this is the foundation of my spiritual and magickal practice. It's been about establishing a true and powerful inner relationship between Younger, Talking and Higher Self.

Today I began to see and understand the next step along the path. From this understanding of my inner landscape comes an appreciation of my emotions, my feelings, my impulses. Those emotions that have their home in Younger Self. Some feelings are fully expressed, others are oppressed, or have been silenced for many years. There's no such thing, really, as an unexpressed emotion as it will come out in some way, shape or form.

As these emotions are accessed, as Andrew (YS) feels able to express them, or bring them to the attention of Talking Self, Will needs to be developed and strengthened. It's about bringing these emotions under Will. It's not wrong to express them, but such energy needs to be focused, and released in way that affects positive change, not maximum destruction! Channeling, focusing these powerful energies is a real work-out for Will. It's an incorporation of these emotions into my True Self and bringing them under appropriate and healthy control and thus as Will develops and grows so obstacles, barriers, people, all those things that block and restrict will, one by one, be removed, opening that spiritual conduit further. It's about focusing and channeling the energy where it needs to be - and where it needs to be for the most effective magickal results.

This is progress. Understanding the movement within, those inner shifts those changes, both quick and purposeful, applying wisdom, listening to the Lord and Lady and my Guides and walking the path laid out before me brings a real sense of inner harmony, of belonging, of wholeness, and a sense of preparation for future happenings.

Monday, 19 May 2008

Going With The Flow

The element of water presented itself again this morning, this time in the form of the Page of Cups. The Page of Cups can often speak of love, and in my case this morning he spoke of self love. Self love - acceptance of self, an embracing of self, a sense of ones one intrinsic worth. Self love flowing from a place of self forgiveness, of no longer playing the 'rejection' game but of welcoming, embracing and celebrating who one is - and ones right to be.

The Page of Cups also talks of deep magick, magick that flows from the inner relationship, the inner connection, magick that brings one closer to the Divine, to the Creatrix, to Her and her Consort. Magick that reveals the connection of all things, the interconnectedness and co-dependency of all things. Magick, not of 'getting' but of 'being', Magick that reveals mystery's and secret knowledge. Magick that reveals ones True Self, beyond the labels, beyond the adaptations, the environmental, social, emotional and psychological pressures.

The Page talks of the movement of water, often quick, swift, rushing, darting. Spiritual dexterity. The Otter that appears on this card, often associated with wisdom, reinforces the wisdom of water, that deep, true wisdom, wisdom of self, of time and of place. Knowledge from stillness that requires action. As the gift is given so the action follows - 'being', as vital as it is, requires a 'doing' as an end result. A moving on, a moving in, a moving with. A sense of knowing my own emotions, but also of knowing what are not my emotions, and where to place them, and the cleansing that comes from that.

The Page, in talking about deep magick, also talks of spiritual reality. Not the dogma, not the new Pagan Book Of Prayer, not spells from a recipe book, but spiritual reality written on the heart and soul, burned there by spiritual fire, leaving an indelible mark. A living spiritual reality that exists beyond the dictates of others, that rises above any liturgy, lexicon, rules or regulations into powerful experience.

She changes everything She touches, and everything She touches, changes. This movement is part of the continual cycle, and I need to move with it.

Sunday, 18 May 2008


The following is some incoherent ramblings from my Psychic Artist reading today. It's all rather random, but I've written it just as it comes before I forget it all and I'm not going to edit it as it needs to be just as it is!

From the reading I had to today, coupled with the work that I have been undertaking in recent weeks, I'm seeing that the core issue with my Younger Self is that he feels undeserving. Andrew does not believe that he has a right to receive good things. This makes him hungry for things he seeks outside of himself, because he desperately feels he needs those things, but when they come, in whatever form, he does not believe he deserves them. Andrew struggles to receive because he does not feel worthy to receive. Christian indoctrination from the past, mixed with abuses from others through the years have created something of an emotional and psychological roller coaster ride that have left Andrew believing that he needs to give, give and give again of himself in order to gain some kind of worth. This has eroded his sense of personal identity, his sense of validity - my sense of my Own True Will.

There is a powerful work of reclaiming that needs to take place, a real and genuine space clearing, a moving into a new realm of being, one that asserts my right to be because I am part of All That Is. I need no excuses, I need make no apology, I need not excuse myself because I have a right to be who I am and I am innocent. I am me, with a right to be. As Malcolm X once said:

"We declare our right on this earth . . . "

and I have a right to move into my full birthright. I don't have to earn it, I don't have to deserve it, I simply have to accept it - accept the gift because of who I am, not what I think I should be or what anyone else tells me I should be. This declaration of birthright comes not from a neurotic angst driven determination, but from a place of quiet, still, contemplative assurance in who I am, what I am, my place on the Web and my Own True Will.

This is frustrating in a way, because it's stuff that I know and have known for years - but somehow it's falling into place in a more powerful way that before. It's like it's taking on a new resonance, a new power - it all seems fresh and living in a way that it hasn't before.

Freedom is a big thing for Andrew, having felt caged most of his life by rules and regulations, by the expectations and demands of others. A cry for freedom that has led to some serious dead ends, but a freedom that again already exists within. It's all found within.

There is also a sense of awareness, of intuition, gifts that are mine and that I need to walk into to a far deeper level that I have thus far. This will bring secret knowledge and the ability to work on a deep soul level with both self and others.

I long for direction and I need to start sending out my own vibrations from my place on the Web. I need to stick my neck and chin out and make some waves. My destiny is in my own hands and although I need to know my calling and sense of that there is also something about creating my own reality through the assertion of my Own True Will. I need to start making things happen as opposed to waiting for everything to come falling into my lap. As I work from a place of my Own True Will, that place of personal clarity, then things will start to happen, things will begin to move forward.

Andrew needs the nurture and love that my family member Guide will bring. I think her name is Sylvia, but I have no reason why I think that. She brings wisdom, love, protection, assurance and teaches and leads, but she also expects Andrew to grow, respond and move into all that he is learning. Andrew can come out of the shadows into the light through that process of transformation, one phase of transition following another, each 'little death' leading to another new birth which is the continual process of initiation. I must walk through the open door, and it is an open door, from this phase of my development into my new place, my new level, my new place of initiation.

it's a trust thing. Me (Talking Self) the one who is typing this, needs to parent and befriend Andrew (Younger Self) so he feels confident enough to step out into this new world. It is a trust thing, it is a confidence thing - courage is required, but courage that is based on the fact that I am held in a place of love by the Divine and that Andrew will be looked after. He is also needed for who and what he is - his innate gifts are needed.

Procrastination is over, it's time to move forward. Not in a sense of making things happen out of human activity, nervous anxiety or neurosis, but from vibrating my place on the Web, making my spiritual presence felt and moving into the good and positive things that are going to open up as a result.

Saturday, 17 May 2008

Growing Pains

It's been one of those cleaning the house, doing the laundry and DIY days, so spare time has been something of a premium today. However, I found some time for meditation and I turned the 4 of Discs in a brief moment with the tarot.

The 4 of discs talking of holding on to things that no longer serve. This may be material things, it may be emotions, behaviour traits, people - anything, but the fact is that whatever it is one is holding onto it empty, it carries no real value or worth and is no longer serves.

For me, seeing this card today affirmed to me that my work with Younger Self (YS) is most certainly not over, but it also confirmed that I am indeed on the right course. YS, in all his insecurity and doubt, has led to some internalised thought processes and external behaviour patterns that no longer serve - they will not take me forward. I am a Magickal Being, I am a person of spirit, I do have spiritual depth, but to move forward, to progress spiritually, which is something I so want to do, I have to go through a process of relinquishing those things that no longer serve. Those things that restrict, that hold me back, that don't belong in the world of a Magickal Being. Only I can identify those things, only I can let go of them and only I can move forward. The choice remains with me. It's my path, only I can walk it. Now is the time for me to really look within, to look into my inner world and identify the real motivating forces within me. Are the fears and doubts of YS in control, or am I bringing YS into a place of safety and security that will enable him to lay those negative emotions down? As YS lays these things down his awesome creativity, intuition and imagination will come to the fore in a clear and unadulterated manner, making anything possible. This is a significant step, and once again, something of a continual process, but I am now at a place where I have to take a significant step forward and lay these things down. This is another 'little death.'

No one said that a spiritual journey was easy and I do feel as though I've been in something of a spiritual glasshouse in recent weeks, but this is the reality of walking a living and dynamic spiritual path. As has been said elsewhere on a pagan blog recently, 'we are held in a place of love' and this is true, and it is the love of Goddess and God that are leading me on, leading me forward to a new place, a higher place, a more powerful place. This is all about personal and spiritual development and growth, and growth of any kind brings growing pains! When one asks for and seeks transformation, as I have done, be prepared for the Lord and Lady to answer and work with you!

Tomorrow I am going to see a Spiritual and Psychic Artist. His name is Patrick Gamble and it's something that I'm both excited and a little nervous about. He is going to paint my Spirit Guide! Tomorrow is going to be another step forward!

Thursday, 15 May 2008

Charge Of The Goddess

"And you who seek to know me,
know that the seeking and yearning
will avail you not,
unless you know the Mystery:
for if that which you seek,
you find not within yourself,
you will never find it without."

Words from the wonderful Charge Of The Goddess.

This is the mystery of Goddess within and without - God within and without. The Divine is in all things and all things are in the Divine, I am Part Of The All. This is the wonder, this is mystery yet it is also reality. I find Goddess and God within, as well as without. Spiritual power exists within, as well as without. I find spiritual reality from looking inward, as well as outward and upward. "As above, so below" is the ancient cry, and equally as within, so without. Spiritual power begins, has its roots, in the positive and productive inner relationship between Younger, Talking and Higher Self. It's all about relationship.

Andrew, my Younger Self, is sensitive, nervous, devoted, loving. loyal, spiritual and intuitive. He's not been loved quite in the way that he deserved or needed and therefore can be a little needy at times. This causes him to look for too much without at times, he looks for what he needs within in others, and in other things, as opposed to finding it within.

It's time to really find what is real and needed within " . . . if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without."

Andrew has a strong spiritual connection, and this is something he has always known, but has been led down paths that were not for him. He's been led too much, and feels angry about this. He has been hurt, is fearful of some situations, and trust is a huge thing for him. To trust is like walking on ice - "will this provide the support I need?" It takes a very long time to gain Andrew's trust, and if it's broken, his sense of abandonment is very overwhelming.

Things are starting to turn and now it is time to commence the restoration of this inner relationship, to reestablish the connection between YS, TS and HS. As my inner world comes together so I move forward into new and exciting places. Andrew can find the love, security, power, support, strength, fulfillment and satisfaction he craves and needs within and there is so much inner landscape to explore.

And the inner world, the inner landscape is the launch pad into new worlds and new realities.

(The picture is not mine and can be found here)

Wednesday, 14 May 2008


I'm understanding, in a new and deep way how the exploration of self is all about relationship. It's about relationship with myself and relationship with the Divine. My relationship with Spirit moves to a new and higher level as my inner relationship deepens. It's like clearing out the conduit, getting rid of debris and dross in order for things to flow more smoothly, more effectively, more powerfully. Things were moving before, but this new level of personal work takes things to a new level.

Younger Self (YS) is full of such potential, but before that can be 'tapped' as it were, he needs to feel safe and secure to be able to step out of the shadow. YS tends to hide in the background, fearful of ridicule, and his role models have not been that brilliant. He needs to be taught by someone who actually values him and loves him for who he is. Talking Self needs to do this. It's weird, all this inner talk or 'self talk' as at times one could be forgiven for thinking that one has lost ones last remaining marble, but the effect it brings is amazing. There is a sense of wholeness, of feeling complete, and an inner sense of coming home. It is also showing me how destructive negative self talk is as it reinforces all the old patterns and negative belief systems that YS has. It's time to turn the tide in this respect.

Self love is vital here - an accepting and an embracing of self. All of this, all that I have written in the past few days can sound so feeble, so trite, so 'touchy feely' but in truth is profound stuff. When it drops from the head to the heart, it's life changing. When it moves from words on a page to words written in soul in indelible ink, anything is possible.

As my sense of identity grows, through this ever deepening inner relationship so my relationship with Goddess and God, both within and without, grows and deepens. My Will also strengthens and matures, and it is from Will that magick flows, love under Will, a Will based on a sound and profound knowledge of Self.

Goddess and God are immanent, within and without and all of this is about relationship; my relationship with myself, with Them and Them with me, because everything is connected, I am Part Of The All, there is no separation, there is no division, there are no walls - only the ones that I build. This is about a circle, a circle that cannot be broken because the ties are so strong, the relationship too deep, the connection too real.

It's real, it's there, it's happening, all I have to do is step into it.

Tuesday, 13 May 2008

Anything Is Possible . . .

I met with Younger Self again today and had a real sense of Younger Self being ruled by the expectations of others and as a result of this losing personal identity. This has caused YS to doubt himself on many levels and to feel 'less than' when compared to and with others.

YS seeks to be what others want him to be in order to stay safe, stay protected.

YS carries a huge weight of duty upon his shoulders and feels the need to respond to the demands and imperatives of others. "ought, should and could" rule too much of his existence. "Love me for who I am" is the cry of YS.

There is a blending into the background to stay safe, a keeping of the peace to avoid violence or the threat of violence or anger.

All the above has worked to make YS sensitive, sensitive to others, to energy shifts, to micro signals given by others. There is a real and genuine empathic gift that has arisen from all of the above. YS is a wounded healer. There is immense creative power within YS and such a positive force for healing. This is something that needs to be released.

I want to restore to YS his authenticity and his ability to be who he is, freely, without recrimination, without fear.

There is so much work to be done here. It's like I've understood so much, for so long, with my head. I know where my wounds are and I know the roots, but spending time really listening to Younger Self on a deeper and spiritual level has been incredible. I know I have more listening to do, but I also need to move into the area of healing.

A lot of this is about forgiveness. Forgiving those, truly forgiving those, who have caused hurt, pain, rejection and abandonment and with this, a space clearing. It's about clearing out those spiritual pipes of dross and debris that have restricted energy flow and limited magickal work. Opening those channels will aid and support spiritual communication between YS, Talking Self and Higher Self and thus there will be unlimited potential to magickal work. Not that this is a short-cut fix to spiritual development, I see this as an on-going process in many ways, but this is a watershed time. This moment, this period, has arrived for a reason and there seems to be such a powerfully positive energy about all this.

In YS lies so much positive creativity, so much positive energy. There is a huge restorative force, a deep empathic gift, deep intuition. YS holds the gifts of Water, and this can be released through this space clearing. YS sees no limitations, no brick walls, anything and everything is possible.

YS is stepping out from the bonds of restriction and it's exciting!

What is also fascinating is that a Ragwort plant has decided to sprout in the middle of my outside wall! It's not done it before! There's this minute crack in the wall and the Ragwort has just sprouted and it's a large plant too! Ragwort, magickally, brings protection. It's like a word from Goddess that this journey I am making is going to be a positive experience and that I am protected in it. I'm not going to get hurt. This is all about healing and moving on into a new dimension.

Monday, 12 May 2008

Meeting Younger Self

Journeying this morning to meet my Younger Self introduced me to a Younger Self full of adaptations. Younger Self learned to be a people pleaser, someone who knew how to conduct himself to minimise the risk of fallout - the risk of anger and also ridicule. Younger Self had learned the art of protection, not in classes of self defence, but the self defence mechanisms were equally as finely honed and well practiced. Most especially effective was the art of vanishing achieved through blending in with the crowd, of disappearing into the background. Younger Self was ruled by fear, fear of bulling, of aggression, of anger, yet equally of being smothered with emotion. Younger Self felt rejected, abandoned, bullied, scared, nervous but so much of this was effectively hidden as Younger Self learned to become an effective actor, to deflect the pain in such a way that few people, if any, knew what was really going on inside. So much was internalised, hidden, masked and never spoken of through fear of appearing something of a failure as this would only confirm to Younger Self what he always thought - that he was indeed a failure. This had been confirmed through words and actions by too many people not to be true.

Younger Self anticipates put downs, ridicule and failure, resulting in a perfectionist streak that is far too driven. The roots of this can be traced back to the words and echoes of those in positions of power. There is a huge undercurrent of anger in Younger Self that has never fully been expressed due to the misconception, again imposed by others, that such an expression would simply be an unacceptable loss of personal control. Younger Self can be too passive-aggressive, and learned, eventually, to become a kind of controller himself.

I don't want to go on about this at length, not because I can't deal with things, but because I see little worth or value in spilling it all out here. Neither do I want people to misconstrue that in sharing this I am seeking sympathy or anything remotely like that - I know that all of us can point to pain in our past, all of us can also equally point to times in our lives where we have caused others pain. I write this simply as a record of a journey, albeit a journey into very familiar territory. I want to be emotionally honest without being over emotional, if that makes any sense at all. It makes perfect sense to me!

What is key here, for me, is to release Younger Self from this prison of fear and adaptations. I can see, quite clearly, how this imprisoned Younger Self limits, restricts and hinders my spiritual growth. In different ways I've been here before, but the restriction remains, so there has to be a breaking through of the barrier whereby Younger Self can be truly released into a place of freedom and creativity, of joy and exuberance, free from fear, recrimination and a deep seated feeling of needing to keep everyone happy. Free from a false and imposed sense of duty into a carefree celebration of what it means to be free child, free Younger Self, full of energy and vitality, truly carefree.

I need to explore this further, and as I do, there needs to be a time of healing, a time of cleaning, a time of balance, all leading to wholeness.

In my Tarot meditation this morning I turned the Page of Cups. That first impulse of the element of water. Water, the place of depth, of intuition, of emotion, of feeling, of cleansing and of healing. A time of reflection, looking into the water and seeing the true self reflected back, the free self. The person I was always intended to be, before name and form, before adaptation. There's undoing to be done, forgiveness given and received. Here too, is a place of wisdom.

Great worth and value will come from this part of my journey.

Sunday, 11 May 2008

Scary and Exciting!

I have a feeling that my post today will fall into the 'incoherent rambling' category, but then, I do warn potential readers that my blog may carry such entries on my tag line! Consider yourself warned!

I really feel that I am on a mighty learning curve at the moment, and that this is something Goddess and God really want me to learn. I picked up a book this afternoon (I have a bookshelf full of unread books!) and began to read a little book by Amber K called 'True Magick'. It's a book that I've been drawn to for some time, but the pressure of work, doing up the house, doing the garden and a host of other excuses have kept me from it. All excuses I know, we can make time when we want to I guess.

Anyway, this book seems to take up where I left off from my post yesterday, and from the wonderful comments some of you have been making. I'm only about 70 pages into the little book, but it's as though it's talking directly at me. It's clearly the time for me to be reading it! Part of it confirms stuff that I've known for years and have been taught at various trainings along the way, but it also looks at things from a slightly different angle, or at times from a totally different perspective, and therefore old truths seem fresh.

What's amazing is that these first few pages are covering things that I have been learning directly from Spirit in recent weeks, and have been talking about here in the past week or so.

Firstly, I was once again struck by the fact that the path I walk is a path of personal transformation. I've spoken this week of the Death card being turned in my tarot meditation, and Amber K talks of this in the very first few pages of her book. She talks of the magickal path being one of great courage because each change is what is she calls a 'little death' and each 'little death' is part of rebirth. This is about the surrender of the old self in order to find a greater Life. Typing the words both chill and excite me at the same time. It's exciting because what is actually an act of self-sacrifice; giving up the little-persona self, leads to encountering the Greater Self, and this Greater Self is God/dess, because we are all part of The All. We are, each of us, part of All That Is. Wow, it just blows my mind the more I think of it! It's something I've always known, in my head, but I think that today the reality of it is travelling from my head to my heart and from my heart into my spirit.

Coupled with is I've been struck by the inner relationship between Talking Self (conscious), Younger Self (sub-conscious) and Higher Self (God Self). I've been drawn to the Younger Self today. Some people call it the Lower Self, Freud referred to it as Id. It's pretty amazing that I should fall upon these pages today, following my work with Darkness yesterday. In the Younger Self are my emotions, my feelings, my desires, drives, memories. Also, here in Younger Self is the person I was intended to be before name and form - the Free Child of TA, before adaptation. All those things that are hidden, yet motivate me and my behaviours are in Younger Self.

Just as yesterday I was drawn to explore my dark side and those things that are hidden within shadow so I have been exalted, through the pages of Amber K's book, to establish a relationship with my Younger Self. I'm reading Younger Self as the Child ego state of TA, yet this requires taking things to a much deeper level than the pages of I'm Okay, You're Okay, (a book that I read many, many years ago). Exploring and encountering Younger Self is going to be something of a painful journey. Whilst I consider myself to be very self aware I sense there are things that I am going to be confronted with that may hurt and surprise me, yet I sense this is where I need to be going at the moment. Clearly a pattern for now is coming together and there are things that I need to learn on my path to becoming a Magickal Being. For now it's about getting to know my Younger Self and those aspects of me that have remained hidden, or purposefully buried, for some time. From here is going to flow energy that I've not known the like of before.

It's both scary and exciting!

Saturday, 10 May 2008

Darkness and Light

Darkness and light. We often see light as possessing the good and the pure, with darkness being somewhat sinister and best avoided. Darkness often fills us with fear and causes us to recoil, we attribute negative characteristics to darkness, possibly because it saves us having to explore our own. We work to avoid our own darkness, keeping busy - even busy minds, to avoid staring into our own darkness. However, for as long as we avoid the necessary exploration of our darkness it is this very unexplored side that will be at the root of our behaviours, actions and interactions because it will remain our full motivating force. And, whilst that won't always be a negative thing, it will be something that has not been bought into our own consciousness.

Darkness and light is not an issue of polarity. I don't believe that they sit at opposite ends of the scale. Beauty can be found in darkness as much as in light, and good can result from darkness as much as from light. We need both. It's not about embracing one and avoiding the other, it's not about running towards one and running away from the other. It's not about good and evil. What it is about is relationship, bringing everything into that inner relationship experience and recognising that we need to be of both in order to be whole, to be complete. Without light we will never know the dark, but without dark we will never know the full truth.

Darkness teaches us so much about ourselves because so much of ourselves hides away in shadow. Often, what really motivates us is hidden away in secret places. We have to be brave enough to walk into those shadows and embrace our whole selves, letting the dark mingle and merge with the light to become one - to become me. To become you. We need both to be fully human and we need both to be fully authentic.

Embrace the dark of you! Allow the dark to teach and lead you and do not attempt to view light and dark as good and evil, but as equal in the relationship that makes you the unique person that you are.

With light, there will always be shadows - and that's a good thing!

Friday, 9 May 2008

Get Real

It's fascinating, but the 4 tarot cards I have turned this week all carry a similar message, just from different perspectives. They all talk about drawing apart for a while, of stillness, of taking time out to reflect before moving on. They talk of the need for solitude, even a time of personal retreat, to take stock, evaluate, reflect and learn before moving on.

I'm realising that this 'drawing apart' period is exciting and necessary as it's a time of preparation. It's a period of time in which I need to allow work to be undertaken that involves a time of 'unlearning.' This is about a letting go of not just old habits, thought patterns and behaviours, but a letting go of things that I have been taught in the past that no longer carry any worth or substance. Together with this is a time of testing as to what is real and what is not and in this allowing the gifts that I have been given time to nurture, develop and grow. This is all part of learning not only to rely on my natural senses, but to allow my consciousness to move to a higher as well as a deeper level and to trust my intuition and other gifts. This is a time of learning, of development, of growth and this demands some serious study and comittment. It's a time of getting to know my inner landscape on a more intimate and far deeper level. It's a time of embracing and accepting self before moving onto the next stage of my journey. It's also a time of personal honesty - it really is the time to get real!

Thursday, 8 May 2008

A Place Of Rest

I'm aware of the importance of being in a place of rest to enable all that I've been talking about to happen. There needs to be something of a drawing apart, a finding of that still, quiet place. Often that place will seem like the eye of the storm because from it one can see everything happening round about whilst one sits in that still, quiet place. It's like finding a cave whilst the storm blows all around you. One can observe the turmoil and angst from this vantage point and it's possible to really look deep inside from here.

There is a lot going on in my life that has the potential to sap and drain my energy and take me to a place where I cease to be productive - where I can become full of negativity. Significant changes at work, among other things. It's easy to simply see these as mundane things but the issue is how I choose to interact and engange with these things. I don't have to give the negative power, but it's only by understanding myself that I will be in a position to step back. This is starting to happen, but it needs to happen more! Also, internalising these things will not help either, it calls for an entirely different style of response.

There's a testing that's required, an evaluation of what is really happening and how I need to respond and what needs to be abandoned. It's not about a seeking of freedom, it's not about a desire to be set free, it's about moving into a spiritual place where I am empowered to set myself free. This is personal and spiritual empowerment.

Wednesday, 7 May 2008


As I continue to meditate on the Death card I can see that this is about a move into deeper truth and reality. It's about a letting go of pretence and show, a dropping of those things that perhaps only work to serve self, and an embracing of those things of a Higher Purpose. This is not about spiritual fluff, it's about spiritual reality and depth. It's like all that has gone before has been about preparing the land, now it's time to actually grow something!

At the time of Greening this is about 'becoming'. It's a real, active, dynamic and purposeful step into that which is of substance. It's a moving into the reality of what it means to be witch.

Self knowledge and self awareness although crucial are not enough. This awareness needs to lead to change, a genuine and active leaving of the past, a stepping out of those old patterns, those old reactions and intra-actions and an embracing of a whole new way of being. It's like seeing with shadow eyes, where everything looks slightly different because one is seeing with different vision - starlight vision. The shadows are deeper and everything has slightly shifted because it's a different reality. This is about moving to a different consciousness.

This is a journey of moving out of bondage and restriction into true freedom and liberation. This is true transformation and in a way it's not about moving forward, but moving back, becoming that person I was at the beginning, that person I was always intended to be. Neither is it simply about parapsychology, rather it's about powerful spiritual reality. In the power of Spirit one can shape ones own destiny, one assumes control because that control has been returned. One lives, moves, speaks with the power and authority of Goddess and God.

This all demands the requirement of daring to look deep inside at those things that have remained hidden for so long. Those deep, dark fears that motivate behaviours and a period of daring to be honest with oneself - what is it that really, honestly and truly motivates me? Hanging onto those negative patterns, even those things that seem well meaning, will only work to hinder growth.

It's time to become transparent and authentic, there's no other way forward.

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

A Cycle Ends

As I was meditating this morning I turned to the Tarot and turned the Death card.

It's interesting, as I celebrate this time of new beginning it's easy to forget that before it was a time of ending, a time, a place, where all was laid to rest. My spiritual practice isn't just about identification with the seasons. Although this is part of it, it's far, far deeper than that and I find if I do attempt to skim over something, Goddess brings me back to that same place again and again until I learn that lesson and learn it well!

As the land has travelled through a time of death, a time of ending before the reawakening, so have I. I have travelled deep into the Underworld during the winter months, knowing what it is to lay things down, to let go, to withdraw - retreat, even, and evaluate, reassess and listen anew to the voice of the Divine. I've felt both the fear and the excitement of this. It's clear to me now that a cycle has ended and I am moving on into a new phase of my life - but I need to leave behind the things that I have laid down and not pick them back up again!

This is going to be a year of moving into the new, of change, and I am not always going to have a template, a blueprint or a map and there will be times, like now, where I'm not always sure where to place my feet. What I will hear is the voice of Goddess and God - provided that I am listening. More than listening, I also need to respond. I am a solitary practitioner, I've known this is my calling for some years, but I've often veered away from it, wanting to work in groups, but this has never really worked for me. I don't believe that I've begun to appreciate or understand the depth of what working as a solitary practitioner means - there are depths that I have yet to explore and experience and this will only come about through personal application and dedication. I'm called to a role and this is something that I now need to start taking up. I'm so glad Goddess has patience!

A cycle has come to an end, a phase in my life, a pattern of learning, part of my path, is over. I now need to move on into the new and not attempt to recreate that which once was, or rather, that which I attempted to create. What is being built within me is a work of Spirit and my response, my role, is to learn to move with the subtle energies of Earth, and to the words of my Ancestors, and those of Goddess and God. It's about allowing a work to happen, a course to be taken as this is a period of transition. I'm moving from a time of preparation into a time of action and I am being called to respond to this.

There is power in solitude, not just in reflection, but in genuine solitary practice. The 'L' plates are falling of and the time has arrived to step into the challenge and to become that which I was called to be - which is to be who I was intended to be, before name and form.

So a layer is being peeled off, a cycle is ending, I'm moving into a new and powerful place - provided I move with it.

It's about moving into a deeper period of initiation.

Monday, 5 May 2008

The Green Man and The New Moon

I've walked about 10 miles today, and my joints are letting me know it! I went to the Kingsbury May Day Festival and my partner and I walked across the fields to get there. The festival itself has been going for about 10 years and always starts with a parade where the Green Man is ushered in. People then join in a 'Green Man song' that was written, I think, by a local to Kingsbury. There are also Morris Dancers, musicians, art and craft stalls and I noticed someone giving Indian Head Massage this year. It's a fun thing to go to and it hundreds of people go, it really is very popular. The veggie food was better this year, although my partner enjoyed tucking into his hog roast!

Walking the land is always a wonderful thing, and today the birdsong was just incredible, really lovely. The land is greening, and in many ways this is my favourite time of year. Everything is fresh and bursting with life, buds are bursting open, blossom is everywhere, and life is evidently returning. The birdsong this morning was almost as though the birds were celebrating this turn of the cycle of life, this rebirth. This powerful, young, vibrant energy is so evident and the excitement of Beltane continues on. The festival today wasn't pagan as such, but the joy of the season was there on so many faces today, it was great to see.

As I saw the Green Man today I was reminded, once again, of the raw, untamed, wild and free energy of the God. The Green Man once again taking centre stage as all the land is Greening. This promise of hope and new beginnings, this creative energy, this time of nurture and expectancy, a time where we can reflect on where we have been, where we are and where we want to be and more than reflect, take charge of our destiny by entering into this powerful energy in a real, dynamic and powerful way. I am part of the All, I am part of Nature, I am connected to the Greening - this is something pretty special to step into!

And today is New Moon, of course, again bringing a real, powerful and creative energy, so the time for setting intentions is doubly strong today!

With the Moon in her Maiden phase, and the God in his youthful, strong, lusty and sexually active stage, this is a powerfully creative time, a time of change, of growth, of greening. I sense a genuine need for change within me, at least, a time for clear direction on where to place my feet in the weeks and months that lie ahead and this is where I will be setting my focus for the week ahead. The Lord and Lady bring life, abundant, exuberant life at this time, and I will be seeking to draw this new life energy into my own experience.

Sunday, 4 May 2008

New Beginnings

It's New Moon tomorrow and I was aware of a desire for change within me before I realised that New Moon was imminent! There's a real stirring inside and it's on many levels. Changes at work, a desire for a deeper and richer spiritual experience and a sense of a general feeling of stagnation are all rising within me and all demanding attention. It's almost as if I sense that there's something I should be doing, or somewhere I should be going, but I've not quite sussed it yet! It's a very odd feeling.

I've even been brave enough to make New Moon Meditation Evenings a public thing at home! I just wanted to open the doors, make this a public thing and see if anyone wants to come along and join in. I'll just have to see what happens!

New Moon is clearly a time of New Beginnings, a time where intentions are set, guidance sought, healing given and courage girded. All these things I need. I'm needing to set my focus and this inner restlessness is all about moving forward on my spiritual path. The desire I have to move on is something that springs from need to know the Lord and Lady in a deeper and more meaningful way. It's a hunger that is growing within me and call that I need to answer, a call that I need to heed.

I stood on Glastonbury Tor in the rain today, calling to the Lord of the Wildwood. I saw, very fleetingly, a picture of man with long grey flowing hair, carrying a stang, walking up a hill. He was determined, clear of where he was going and where he wanted to be. It was a clear picture, I could even make out his clothing, but it was a fleeting picture, it vanished very quickly. I wasn't sure if this was a glimpse of myself, a kind of picture of where I need to be, or if it was someone coming to bring me a message. This is something that I will need to explore and revisit in my meditations this week.

Saturday, 3 May 2008

Lord Of The Wildwood

It was so good to be able to get out into the garden today, and boy did it need some attention! Now the lawn is mowed, weeds have been pulled up, borders tidied and everything looks lovely again! It's been wonderful to get my hands in the soil once more - nice and dirty! Great to get so close to earth in such a physical way and to feel part of the new surge of life. The dance of life is really underway and this year I feel such a part of it. Not a spectator, not an observer, not a commentator, but actually in there, as part of the dance, taking an active part. Taking up my place as part of the All, knowing my place on the Web of Life and enjoying actively being there.

Being outside and working with nature today has reminded me of my need to further and deepen my relationship with the God. It's funny, I feel so connected to Goddess, yet I am aware that I do not have that same sense of relationship with the God. I've moved on in recent weeks, and I've talked about that here a few times, but I feel that my experience of him needs to deepen. I need to awaken the God aspect of me to a deeper level.

I bought a new God icon at Beltane, as I was hearing his call then as well. Here he is:

I just love this icon! This is the God as Lord of the Wildwood, and this is often how I relate to him. Strong and powerful, yet full of compassion. Lord and protector of animals and plants, Lord of the witches, the wild, free, untamed passion and power of nature. The God exists outside of human control just as nature is outside of human control and I am sure that it is this aspect that causes me to shrink back a little, to become a little reticent. I am sure it is the 'control freak' in me, pulling back, just a tad, from releasing this wild and uncontrollable energy within.

In the garden today it was obvious that no matter how much clipping, pruning, mowing or weeding I do, Nature will still jump over the fence and mock my efforts! My garden will only be this tidy for a matter of days before a force more powerful than I sprouts from the soil once more, in an unpredictable way! I have plants in my garden that I most certainly didn't put there! The God is the same - he will 'spring up' in my life in unpredictable and surprising ways and although this causes me a degree of apprehension, I also know it's just want I need to happen!

Thursday, 1 May 2008

Beltane 2008

What an amazing day today has been - which was just as I expected!

I was awake and getting dressed at 04.50 and left the house at 05.30 to pick my friend up and set off for Chalice Well. Glastonbury for their Beltane Ceremony.

Chalice Well is a scared place and this is something that is tangible as you enter the gardens. Today, as I walked in to this now familiar landscape, the energy of the season was evident. New growth, buds bursting open, flowers welcoming the morning sun. The sky, although cloudy, was blue, the sunrise simply incredible and the birdsong was a chorus of praise to the Goddess and God. One just had to join in with them! Seriously, I've been singing all day!

Arthur's Court and was strewn with little tea lights as people lit them when passing by. Each one a small fire representing the Beltane Fire and carrying the intentions of each person who carefully placed them there. The Wellhead was also alight with tea lights.

People were gathering with expectant hearts and it was just so wonderful to see how many different people were there. People from so many walks of life, with so many rich, varied and unique experiences of life, on many different and varied spiritual paths, yet united in spirit.

As the ceremony commenced and the directions were being called in I was so aware of being sacred. That sounds such a pretentious thing to say, and I really don't mean it like that, but I just knew that I had no reason to be cowed or bowed because I was part of the universe! I had such a sense of being a 'star' as Crowley says, and being part of the All. I was one with All Nature because I am part of All Nature and this is what I was always intended to be. I had a powerful sense of taking up my rightful place in the Order of Things and, although I have a lot to learn and a very long way to go, where I am now is more than okay because I am where I am supposed to be! The sense of joy this created within me words cannot express.

I love private and intimate ceremony, but I also love taking part in these public events because there's something very wonderful about sharing with others and knowing and experiencing that deep connection we have with each other. Celebrating the fact that we are all One, we are Sacred, we are Goddess and God because we are in Them and They are in us.

This joy was celebrated by all as people jumped the Beltane Fire and weaved the ribbons of the Maypole. It was a joy to me that the ceremony focused on the Divine Union of Goddess and God, as this has been something of a personal journey for me. It's an area where, as a gay man, I have struggled over the years and the comment 'we all have masculine and feminine within us' however well intentioned can sound trite at times. But today the sense of that amazing spiritual creativity that is a powerful force within me was so tangible and real as this simple ceremony cemented that divine truth within me. For that I am both grateful and humbled. A simple truth, something I have known for more years than I care to remember, but something that today at Chalice Well seemed to come home to me in a more powerful way than ever before.

So, as I sensed, this Beltane has been a powerful and renewing experience for me. I'm looking to the rest of the year with a sense of anticipation. One cannot walk a path such as this without the continual process of deep transformation and so I know that change is a constant. She changes everything She touches, and Goddess has certainly touched me!