Sunday, 14 November 2010

Children of the God’s

This has been a good week in terms of friends challenging me on various topics, yet these topics have had a couple of themes running through them: what do I actually believe and where is my place in the Universe? Good challenges to have and challenges that demand a response. The more that time passes the more uncomfortable I find it to live in a place of fuzziness. Increasingly I need clarity and anything else just seems to land me in a place of treading treacle.

I have become more convinced than ever that as human beings we are indeed Children of the God’s. I say this as I am really beginning to appreciate that we are souls on an evolutionary journey, choosing to rake this incarnation in humanity as part of our journey back to the Godhead. We don’t just have a spark of the Divine within us; we are a reflection of the Divine, part of the One Divine Life. We are Divine. We will one day, from one lifetime, travel home to the Godhead, or we may live as Ascended Masters, this I don’t fully understand as yet, and this is also many lifetimes away. At this point, for me, suffice to know that we are on that path, on that journey and that our own and our fellow human beings evolution is what actually matters, in the here and now.

Growing up in a Christian family and as an adult spending a number of years living within what I today openly and confidently describe as various Christian cults I was taught to think nothing of myself. I was taught to see myself as a doormat. Indeed, at a Bible College I attended for a number of years we actually had lectures on ‘being a doormat for Christ’ from a man who was an esteemed Christian speaker called Campbell McAlpine. I was taught that we had nothing of ourselves as whatever we did have was evil, worthless and of no consequence.

I now see that what we actually have is everything, yet this everything is housed in a body that has its own desires. These desires are not evil, they are not wrong, and to indulge them is neither evil nor wrong. There is, however, an issue of control, of who is in charge, and this is another subject I guess! Suffice to say that the answer lies in knowing ones true will and experiencing ones true connection to the Divine. When one is clear on ones path and ones connection then the issue of who is controlling who ceases to be relevant as all becomes clear.

But this entry is not about the body and the soul, I’ve talked about this before. This is more about the soul and my relationship with the One Divine Life.

I have been raised to see myself as nothing, as something small and insignificant, but now I see that I am indeed a Giant! I am a Giant because of I am part of the Whole, part of Source, not just an aspect of, but integral to the Divine. I am from and as my God’s. My soul cries to the heavens as my body celebrates this world and this life.

Key to this, I am convinced, is understanding our own true will. This is more than understanding our calling; this is more than understanding our purpose. I think it has to be about knowing and understanding, at a profound and revealed level, the will of our soul in this moment in time in this incarnation. It’s about our dynamic relationship with the One Divine Life. It’s about our God Self, our individuation, our encounter, even, with our Holy Guardian Angel. I can’t claim to have experienced that level of initiation as yet, but increasingly it’s a level to which I am drawn. This experience has to be central to fully moving from the small to the Giant experience.

I was before. I have lived many lives. My soul has been on and is on a journey, not just of education, but an evolutionary experience, bringing in that which needs to be and must be and my time in this incarnation is but one aspect of that journey. Discovering my true will is intrinsically linked with knowing who I was before name and form, discovering my truth before I took this form, before I chose to spend this incarnation within this body.

Within our physical is our spiritual self. This spiritual self, this God Self, this person we were before name and form is from and of the God’s. It is this aspect that needs to assume supremacy and it is from here that we create our own reality. The things we feel, the thoughts we have and the words we speak all have creative force and create our own reality. This happens on a solitary all the way through to a national and even international level. We are the masters of our own destiny because we create that which we experience. As Children of the God’s we create our own experiences, our own reality and we can affect our future.

I fall into the trap, all too often, I am learning, of allowing experience to create my own reality as opposed to creating my own experience from my own reality. If I am a Child of the God’s then I create, I do not allow my reality to be created for me. I’m in charge! You can see how this is a complete reversal from all that I was taught when I was a member of various Christian Cults.

This is difficult stuff, and I don’t claim to have any answers at all at this moment in time. All I am writing about is the revelation into which I am entering at this moment in time; the reality that is hitting at this moment. As ever on my own spiritual journey it is for me to take this deeper and further in my own life and in my own experience.

I know that this is about meditation, spending time with my God’s, my Guides and my Ancestors. This is about my God Self getting bigger and truly learning to speak my truth as I stand in my true Power as a Child of the God’s. This is about me recognising my place as someone who stands between and travels between the worlds.

This is about me standing firm when the shit of everyday life is flying in all directions. At this moment I allow these experiences to derail me, to send me off course, to spend a few days or even weeks out of kilter and I lose all sense of connection. This is one negative aspect of walking a solitary path, but this is more than made up for in many other areas.

But all of what I speak comes not from physical effort or striving. It comes not from activity as such, but more from simply knowing our true birthright. It comes from really knowing who we were before name and form and who are. Who we truly are. It comes from that moment of revelation and living in that revelation. Staying in that place is both simple and complex. It also demands a choice and in a sense it does come from a place of surrender.

We can influence and steer micro and macro life events, but we steer in connection with our own true will. Knowing our true course and the course we travel, just as the stars of the heavens travel their own course. They stick to their course, just as I should remain with mine, fulfilling the truth of my own true will without deviation. It’s a tough call! As we all play our part, so we inform the greater human consciousness and as such we can bring the One Divine Will to bear on international events.

The reality is that as Children of the God’s, we create. I guess the question is what am I currently manifesting? I think the honest answer to that is that I’ve probably been creating too much negativity in recent times. I need to remedy this. But this remedy is way above that of simplistic affirmations, it’s about affirmations that come from a place of depth, a place of true Divine revelation and spiritual reality that flows from a genuine connection and expression of my own true will.

We see, we feel, we think, we speak, we make it happen. My words bring forth reality; they create my own reality and lay before me my own destiny.

I may have been raised to see, think, feel and speak as a dwarf, but I am in fact a spiritual Giant.

We all are.

Monday, 3 May 2010

Body and Soul

I began this way too late to finish it properly! But, here goes!

As I peruse my own blog I have to stop and wonder if I have I have learned anything at all over the years! I read old posts and as I do it seems to me that I’ve been asking the same kind of questions for years! I’d like to think, however, that I am asking them at a different level, but I’m not always so sure! Jerome talked of always having more questions than answers, and that this works to assure humility, and I understand that. I think it’s the onion analogy again, everything is multilayered, and just as one understands one layer, one has to peel off another, and so on and so forth. It can make for a pretty exhausting journey! I assume that at some point one reaches the centre and then suddenly everything makes sense!

Today I have found myself back at the dichotomy between ego and soul. In recent months I have come to feel, with a deep sense of conviction, that (1) I have a soul and that (2) this aspect of me is divine and comes from Source – indeed, it is Source within me, Divinity in human flesh. This has been something of a significant step for me and some would argue, I suppose, that with this belief system I’m not really Pagan, but that’s for another blog at another time and in another place I think!

I found myself at Glastonbury Tor again today – as ever, one of my most favourite places. I arrived late and it was crowded, I much prefer it when I get there early and it’s just a few of us there. However, among the noise I managed to meditate for a while and was aware of my soul connecting with the heavens. I had a sense of my soul singing with Source and as I was aware of this I became aware of the song of Nature all around me and we were all singing the song of Source with Source, we were all in celebration. My own Divinity was connecting with the One Divine Life and we were in union and singing in unison. It was a most wonderful, albeit brief, moment.

At the same time I was aware of my roots being deep within Earth. I was drawing energy deep into myself from the very core of Earth and I became increasingly aware of my body belonging to Earth, and my soul to the heavens.

With this I went into something of a state of flux. My body, the current house of my soul, is of Earth. I don’t believe, as some would argue, that Earth, roots and the body are evil. Through my senses and through my body I feel, touch, taste, hear, see and understand this world and my place in it. My roots also connect me with my heritage, my ancestors and my sense of belonging with place and the spirit of place. This doesn’t separate me from my soul, but it supports my understanding of the house, the tent, within which my soul currently resides. Yet this body has desires, it has longings of its own, it has needs, and it has automated and learned responses, responses and desires that can feed the ego and which can, if I allow them, to overtake my spiritual path and quest, and here is my conundrum.

It is right to celebrate and experience the body, to take joy in this world and to revel in the wonder of what it is to be alive in this time and place and to enjoy that and those which surround us. It is right to be wild and free in Nature and to be one with Nature – we’re in this body for a reason! Yet, at the same time, I cannot be a slave to the body and its impulses. Whilst I don’t advocate a chaste and strict denial of the body – not for a moment – there has to be a place, when training as an initiate, where the body is somehow brought under the control of the soul, of spirit. Is this what Crowley calls ‘love under will’?

There’s a balance to be struck here, I guess and perhaps this balance is about each of us being ever present, being self and spiritually aware and knowing what is feeding the soul and what is feeding the ego at any given moment.

Today I had a clear sense that the only thing that truly holds me back from spiritual progress is me. The only limits that are placed upon my own spiritual experience are those that I myself set in place. Any ceilings, any blocks and any breaks are not imposed but rather allowed or even created by me.

As an individual with a hugely influential Christian past, one that seeks to cast a shadow over my spiritual development and progress, any talk or discussion of the body, the flesh, the ego, poses significantly difficult issues. However, as I read any writings of the Adepts, such as Dion Fortune, and the writings of other paths, I see that the issue of ego is always there, in some shape or form, and these writings, although may be expressed differently, talk about the need to bring the desires and needs of the body under some kind of control, and that there is a discipline required if one is to spiritually progress.

I think that my issue with this is about the fear of loss of sense of self. Much of human journey has been one of fighting for my right to be myself and to fully express myself – my sense of social identity, and to ensure that my right to be who I am is celebrated. My human journey has been one of moving out of suppression and oppression into true freedom – the freedom to be me, without condemnation or criticism or judgement.

So you see, this physical/human journey and the cost of that to me as an individual, together with the gain, appears, at some degree at least, to be at odds with the need to bring this self under control.

I think some of this may be that I am confusing what my True Self with my small self. My True Self is who I was intended to be before name and form. My True FREE self, free from the adaptations one falls into just to get through another day, to please the Boss, the Department, the neighbours, the ‘anything for a quiet life’ type of thing. But this also has to be about being free from the body being in charge, dictating, ruling what one does. It’s not about bringing the body into submission as such, it’s not about chastisement, but it has to be about who is in charge, who is in control? If I choose to have a wild time and indulge every sensory pleasure, then that’s fine, provided that I am doing so from a place of freedom and choice.

So True Self is Higher Self, that place of enlightenment, that place where Spirit shines from my own human eyes and I see the world, and my place in it, from a new place. But it is also about not letting go of my roots, not denying my place in this Earth and the fact that I experience this Earth through my bodily senses. It’s a marriage of body and soul, it’s a relationship between the heavens and Earth, between the Divine and mortal, a celebration of humanity and this earth realm and the Divine and the celestial realms.

From this understanding of True Self comes knowledge of my own true will, my own calling in this time and place, my connection with the One Divine Life and that connection of the Divine Will and mine and the two becoming one and the same. But I think that too is for another blog entry at another time. Now, I think it’s time for this human body to go to bed and rest!

Saturday, 1 May 2010

Sacred Masculinity

There may be some adult content in this entry.

I spent a significant part of today in Glastonbury, with a visit to the Tor and then to Chalice Well. The town was alive with its May Day celebrations around the Market Cross, as well as at Chalice Well, and many and varied events are planned for this evening, but this year, for me, it’s been a solitary Beltane and a time for inner reflection.

I remember, some years ago, attending a Goddess Beltane ceremony in Glastonbury. At this ceremony the leader of this particular group announced, proudly “today, as we celebrate Beltane, we allow The Phallus into our midst.” One could be forgiven for thinking that any male who attended any other of these Goddess ceremonies during the rest of the year could only do so if ones phallus was detachable and could left in a box, outside, before entry into the temple would be allowed!

So my call to the Gods this year has been a simple question: what is sacred masculinity? What does it mean to be divinely male?

It’s a question that has been relevant to me for most of my life.

I’ve mentioned many times that I was raised in an evangelical/charismatic family and as a result God the Father was an ever present reality to my daily life. But this Father God wasn’t always presented as austere, he was also shown as forgiving, loving, compassionate, but he did expect you to follow his edicts and commands. There was little room for individual expression and as a result, little room for any personal expression of self. Self was to be denied, so one has this sense of being more of a clone than an individual.

In my formative years in the Christian Church it was clear that men led. Men were in charge, women were subordinate. The male leaders of the Church had the power to command people to marry, and to order people to leave their hometown and set up house anywhere else in the world that they felt ‘God’ had said was right for them. If the leader said it, then it had to be right, there was little room for personal choice or decision making.

So this ‘God the Father’ was both controlling, dominant and authoritative, with a bit of love and compassion thrown in. However, no matter what an evangelical Christian tells you, this love was and is entirely conditional.

With this kind of patriarchal experience in my own background I could partially understand the opening message of the Goddess Temple leader that particular Beltane. Why would they want to allow this patriarchal God into their midst, if to do so would be to encourage little other than subordination and control? These women wanted to be open to express themselves and their spirituality, and their sexuality, without any sense of patriarchal domination, interference or domination – and justifiably so.

However, for me, as I sat there, hearing this, I felt unwanted, unloved, unwelcomed, contaminated, despised and little more than an invader into a space that I had no right to occupy. It was an incredibly uncomfortable moment in my experience as a spiritual seeker and one that I am unlikely to forget. So those words have left an indelible mark upon my spiritual development as any of those spoken by any patriarchal Christian leader from my past. Both have been as equally as damaging.

Significant to all of this is my journey as a gay man. Yes, I am male! I have a phallus and it isn’t detachable! What’s more, I am happy being male, I like being male and I am really happy that I am a gay male! Far gone are the days where I despised myself for my own sexuality, the days where I longed and prayed for ‘God’ to make me either straight or asexual, as it was apparent to me, as a child and as a teenager, that the God of the Christians had no time for me as a gay man. I am a male who is sexually attracted to males and I have no issue or problem with that. However, just as society at large has a problem with that, so does the pagan world, in some quarters, and this has presented me with problems as I’ve tried to understand what Sacred Masculinity is and what it means to me.

The Goddess community had no real understanding of how to cope with me a gay man at all. I was also given little room with which to help them with that problem – they didn’t really want to know or understand, or when they did, it was all about camp humour and jest. Together with that was the strong emphasis upon sexuality, fertilisation and creation – where did I fit in with all this? What did this kind of masculinity have to say to me? What was interesting was that the men I observed would go out into the woods and gather wood for the fire whilst the women would sow and spin . . . it seemed little different to my own childhood Christian experience.

Interestingly, I can easily embrace Goddess. I have little problem with the concept of the Divine Mother, and I hear Her voice and feel Her deep within me. The Great Mother, She who gave birth to All and who takes All back to Herself resonates and radiates throughout me. I sense Her, know Her and feel Her and I have little problem connecting with Her. I also know She loves me.

It’s the God that gives me the problem. What is it to be Sacredly Male? More than that, what is it to be Sacredly Gay Male?

One of my guides is a very naughty, young, gay Roman Centurion. But he’s no use in asking this question ‘cause all he wants to do is get naked and mess about! He really is very, very naughty, but he can be great fun! However, he isn’t that good at depth . . . not in terms of meaningful discussion, anyway!

Sat on the Tor this morning I called to Gwyn Ap Nudd, the dark lord of the Underworld whom I find it so easy to connect with at Glastonbury Tor. I called also to Herne, and to Cernunnos, as I knew there was something here I needed to grasp. I know I need to reflect what it means to be sacredly male and I want this to be truly incorporated into my spiritual, emotional, psychological and physical psyche.

Green men were everywhere today in Glastonbury, as I am sure you would expect, and they all came in their various shapes and sizes, as again, I am sure you would expect! I had a real sense of the Green Man and spirit of the cloven hoof as I sat there on the Tor. I drank this essence of masculinity, taking it deep within myself.

I’m bored of being asked if I’m a ‘top or a bottom’ but it’s something I get asked a lot. The honest answer to that question is it entirely depends upon the mood . . . I’m both! Although, I have to say, if David Beckham were asking the question I’d be whatever he wanted me to be at any given moment! This point is relevant because there are times when I want to be ritually fucked by the God, so that his essence, his power, his strength, his qualities radiate throughout every cell in my body. That probably makes no sense to you at all, but it does to me! I want him in me! This Green Man, this God of the Greening, this God who brings life, who initiates Creation, this spiritual catalyst, I want him in me. I know that as a body who is home to an immortal soul which contains the very essence of Source that this same power of Creation lays within me. I want to make it so. I want it initiated, brought into life, made real. The power of masculinity and femininity meet within the one vessel and through the fire of love and sexuality new creation comes forth.

I sometimes sit at the Wellhead at Chalice Well and want the God to turn up and take me there and then! Part of me can’t believe that I’m actually saying this out loud, but this Beltane I need to tell the truth! Some people will say that I’m being sacrilegious, but no, I’m not. I’m saying that I understand the magic and sacredness of sexuality, but I understand this as a gay man. Go figure.

I’ve somewhere to go in really understanding what it means to be divinely male. Today I have felt the fusion of compassion and strength, I have wondered at the power created when love and nurture meet. I have seen the magic of vitality, of sexuality, and of sacrifice. I have felt the power of assertion, tempered with true respect and measured with love. I have felt the brokenness, and seen the joy. I have tasted the sweetness of running in the woods and I have sensed the wisdom that comes only with time and experience.

These are some of the qualities of the Divine Male. I journey on in this most scared and spiritual of experiences and I embrace, as a gay and proud gay man, true sacred masculinity.

Sunday, 28 February 2010

Celebrating Difference

This post is something of a divergence from the main theme of this blog, yet at the same time it is also central to it as this post contains, I guess, what in many ways is the essence of me. In making a post such as this public I am, in many ways, making myself vulnerable (yet again!) to criticism and ridicule, but as this blog is all about my spiritual journey, with all its highs and lows, vulnerability is an absolute necessity, because without it, there is no change, there is no development and consequently there is no growth. Risk is demanded, stepping out of comfort zones a prerequisite, and daring to move into the unknown, hand in hand with and trusting The One Divine Life central to any kind of progression.

I’ve been quiet for the past few weeks and for no other reason than, once again, my professional life has been demanding more of my time and energy. I’ve been caught up in one of those periods where I’ve been finding it really difficult to ‘switch off’ at the end of the working day and time for personal meditation, reflection and spiritual practice has been really difficult because of this. I am never happy with this type of situation and I am always conscious of the shift this causes within me. I become uneasy with myself and become restless. I feel disconnected and separate and I really don’t like that feeling. It’s like I lose sense and connection with who I am and as a result I don’t relate well with all that’s happening around and within me because I am not reacting as me. I don’t know if that makes sense to you, but it does to me! Also, I find that I become overly reactive and I firmly believe that people of Spirit create, we contain the Creative force and therefore being pushed around by circumstance isn’t right and it isn’t comfortable.

Within all this there has been a personal challenge, and this challenge is all about who it is I take into my working day. Do I take my true self, the person I am, the person who is continually in this place of ‘becoming’ or do I take the person who is little more than the professional caricature? The person I am expected to be who wears the corporate uniform, speaks the corporate language and walks the corporate path? Whilst it is the latter that is seemingly demanded, it is the latter I am finding it increasingly difficult, if not impossible, to conform with. I am more aware that ever I have been of the pure anger that this continual demand causes to rise within me and I am not sure how to handle or what to do with that reaction at the moment. It’s something that scares me in a way because at times the anger feels so real and so powerful that it feels like if I expressed it, everything around me would combust into flames! I know that sounds really strange and dramatic, but that’s how it feels.

The root of all of this is the celebration of diversity, or perhaps I should say, the lack of it. A key aspect of my professional role, and one that has been very recently reaffirmed; is to manage equality and diversity, both in terms of service delivery and staff management. I guess I have been given this role because it is something to which I am totally committed, both personally and professionally. Some assume my commitment comes from the fact that I am a gay man, with a disability, who walks a minority spiritual path, but people who think that actually miss the point. My commitment to equality and diversity comes from nothing other than a firm and passionate belief that each and every human being on this planet has the absolute right to reach their full potential without imposed restriction of any kind. We, all of us, have a right to be who we are and we have a right to become who we are called to be. No one has a right to stand in the way of that, be they family, peer, neighbour, politician, manager or institution. Difference, that wonderful thing each of us brings because of who we intrinsically are, should not be ignored, should not be tolerated, should not be whitewashed in some kind of banal, powerless, ineffectual thing, but should be recognised, celebrated, trumpeted, enjoyed and revelled in. Difference is what makes us real, makes us vital, makes us powerful, and when we bring this difference together, when we link arms, utilise all the skills, attributes, differences and unique experiences each of us have, then anything is possible and anything can happen. This is the hub of creativity, the more richly diverse any group of people the more effective and productive it will be, no matter what the objective. Restrict this, in any way, and that creativity is not only stifled, but the human casualties will soon begin to mount up.

I don’t want to have a professional me and private me. I want to be me wherever I am at any given time. For years I fought what often feels like a terrible battle to be accepted as an openly gay man. The consequences of this were immense and have involved losing family (thankfully temporarily), security, jobs and promotion, but I refused, on any level, to deny who I am.

My visual disability has also caused me difficulties, especially in terms of my professional working life, and this has bought me into conflict with managers and departments as I have asserted my rights under disability legislation when actually I should have had no need to do so – the support should have been there, but it wasn’t. ‘Best Practice’ can be decidedly lacking when you least expect it, and the shock of that can be disabling in itself.

And spirituality I have endured ridicule as my deeply held convictions inform the way I think, feel, act, interact, experience and contribute to people, life and the world generally.

I guess all of these factors work together to develop within me a real empathy with people who experience less than they deserve at the hands of individuals and corporations. I think what I need to learn to manage within me, and it’s something that I don’t always find easy, is the emotional reaction this brings. My power and ability to empathise can be somewhat overwhelming at times, and it is this that I need to learn to channel in a productive way which ultimately results in positive outcomes for all concerned.

So I feel as though I am at some kind of watershed. In some ways if feels terrifying, in other ways it feels exciting, but I am consciousness of a huge amount of strength that resides within me at the moment. It’s like I am at a crossroads and this crossroads is about me asserting the true principles of equality and diversity, both individually and corporately, not only through usual working practice, but through truly bringing my complete self into the working arena. I want people to have a sense of the spiritual me as they encounter me. I don’t want people to view me as someone described me the other day; his words were that I was “the conscience of the service”. I want to be more than that. I want to be able to affect positive change for people through positively changing the way people are managed, bringing real cultural change and positive outcomes for the service. Sounds lofty and worthy, doesn’t it? I don’t want it to sound like that, I want it so sound real! And I want this to come from who I am, the true me, the real me, the spiritually connected me, the me who knows where he sits in connection with the Universe and who brings that power and reality into every aspect of his life.

I don’t want to be some kind of corporate robot who is little more than part of a huge machine. I want to bring the wonder and richness of true humanity into everything that I do through my appreciation of my own divinity and that of each person I work with, support, manage and encounter each day.

It’s an impossibly tall order . . . or is it? I just need to know where and how I take it from here!

Sunday, 7 February 2010


“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”

This famous quote made by Charles Darwin and the theme of change has been resonating with me for some time. It seems that on every level of my life, both internally and externally, change is afoot, and what is also interesting is that it is happening almost irrespectively of my engagement with it. It is happening, regardless, and the call to me is to move and allow the change to work what it needs to work within me.

And as change happens in the ‘mundane’ (although I don’t like to use that term) so it happens, and has to happen, on the spiritual plane. My path is a path of transformation, one of the evolution of my soul, In order to grow in the understanding of the dynamic of my own True Will so I have to open myself to change, to powerful transformation . . . to growth.

And this growth can be painful, as can all change. The transformative path I am walking is leading me deeper into appreciating that the call is to know the Will of my Soul, and to lay down the will of the ego. The clash and the battle at the centre of this can be immense. In some ways this internal tension is being played out at all levels around me at the moment, from structural and organisational changes at work, to changes with my own health, health struggles being experienced by my dearest friend, to changes in family dynamics and relationships through to changes in other interpersonal relationships. It’s everywhere and the changes I see externally simply work to mirror those that are taking place – or demanding to take place, within. If I am to listen to the quote above by Darwin, my response to this internal change is significant.

So what is my own true will? I’ve asked this question again and again on this blog, but I see that this is a question that I will continually ask because my own true will is dynamic and changing and not static. It has to be dynamic because change is constant in that it is constantly working to bring me nearer to fully understanding and appreciating the nature of my true will.

As I understand my own true will today it is to fully know and experience my true connection with The All. That sounds very simplistic, but then it has to be simplistic if I am to summarise it one sentence. For me my own true will is about really stepping into that place where I take up my role as a cog in the Universe that supports true interconnection and that draws the power and energy of that connection into my core and thus see it radiated into the Earth and into the lives of others. Being one with The One Divine Life. Being one with the Universe, the Cosmos. Simply being part of Source.

So the path of transformation for me at the moment is about removing those ties that bind, that hold me back, that restrict and hinder my move forward. These may be physical things, things are ‘out there’ on this plane, and they may be internal things, things of the ego, things of the past, perhaps even things of past lives, things that need more than to be released, they need to be divested of their power and part of that is about me stopping acting and thinking in such ways that actually gives these restrictive binds their power.

And this is why connection with spirit of place and with ancestors is important for me at the moment, because I see what is happening is like a paring back to the simple – back to that which really matters, that which is of value, is of meaning and that will forward the work of truly knowing and achieving the nature of my own true will.

Even more simply own true will is to know my Gods and be as one and at one with them. To take up my part in the Dance of Life and dance my steps at the right time and in time. To hear the beat and the rhythm and to dance accordingly no matter who or what is watching. To do this I need to do more than listen to the music, I need to become part of the music.

Monday, 1 February 2010

Imbolc Celebrations

I was up at 0630 this morning as I dearly wanted to climb Glastonbury Tor. I’ve mentioned many times that I love the Tor, it really is one of my most special places, and because it’s local to me (about 45 minutes away) getting there is not difficult. It’s such a great ‘high place’ and one of those places where ‘the spirit of place’ is just so tangible. Modern day historians cast doubt on whether Glastonbury Tor really was a place of pagan worship, and I recognise the validity of their arguments, but for me, the fact that many modern day pilgrims climb this place, with their intentions set, and the fact that so many rituals and ceremonies take place here ensures that the Tor is imbued with spiritual energy. The most spiritually resistant of people could not fail to sense the energy that radiates from this place.

I love the idea that the Tor is home to Gwyn ap Nudd and this is often the energy I connect with when I’m standing atop the Tor. I appreciate that this is the stuff of myth and legend, but it’s something that works for me. I find the Tor a place of real and deep grounding, and as my roots travel deep into the Tor I know I am in the place of the Dark womb, the place of transformation. In that sense I often experience the Tor as the key to the Underworld, and Gwyn ap Nudd is there as its keeper. As I said yesterday, it’s impossible to avoid this crucial aspect, we have to tarry in the Dark if we are ever to know the reality of Light.

However, a clear message spoke directly to my heart this morning, and that was to truly walk into the Light. It was a clear message and I felt something of a prod from Gwyn ap Nudd. It was almost as if he was saying that he was fed up with me hanging around in his territory and that he was booting me out! Yes, I’ll return, but a clear, resounding message that I had spent too long in the Dark and now it was time to embrace the Light trumpeted in my ears and soul. Gwyn ap Nudd is not to be messed with, and I felt his foot making contact with my backside and out into the Light went I!

It’s interesting that I find this a challenge, but I do. Some may shy from the Dark, but this aspect for me feels more comfortable that believing I have a right and a place in the Light. Believing that I am worthy is a huge challenge, and that I have a place and a right to stand as a Light of the World provides an even greater challenge. The kick out of the Underworld came as no surprise and now the challenge is to explore my place in this new world as Imbolc turns to Equinox.

Why is it a challenge? I think the challenge is on many fronts. It is, as I say above, a thing of appreciating my value, my worth, my will and my place, but it is also a thing of dedication. The Light is not a ‘love and light’ fluffy thing, but a challenge to growth. It is a test of dedication, of commitment and a challenge to throw ones hat in the ring and truly be who I was called to be before name and form. There is no place to hide in the Light, no dark corner, for the Light pervades all. It’s about being prepared to stand, to be counted, to rise up and be who I truly am. And I feel this challenge most acutely.

After breakfast I moved on the ceremony at White Spring. What a fantastic place, and what a marvellous job people have done in the redesign of the White Spring. The energy in this place is fantastic and the energetic fusion is palpable.

As we welcomed the Light, carried by Brighid, back into the world and into our lives, you can imagine, appreciating all that had gone before, my internal dialogue with the One Divine Life! As people spoke of Brighid I also connected with my own Patron Goddess, Sulis, Mother of Water and Fire, both so evident in this sacred place. As Fire and Water come together change is the only result, and I felt the calling and challenge for change within me.

Yet as people honoured Deity I was only too aware of the message and challenge to embrace my own Divinity. I have spoken of this before on these pages, yet there is something here that I have not truly entered into as yet. The challenge to an ex-Christian to even contemplate that I may be part of the One Divine Life is incredible – but that is because the Christian does not understand this reality. Poems were read, from such lovely people, and many spoke of this truth . . . know you not that you are part of Source. The Divine being that we celebrate, that we love, and that we call too and honour is not only within you but IS you!

A chap sang a most moving song at the White Spring. What is odd is that I couldn’t tell you thing about the content of this song now, but what shone through for me as he sang, beyond the words, was the wonder of connection. Oh how trite that word has become, but how powerful it is when one truly takes time to actually consider what it truly means! I was beaming at him as he sang, I couldn’t help it and I couldn’t stop it!

The power and strength of this reality hit home to me as we walked through the door from the White Spring into Chalice Well. If moving into the Light is about embracing our true Divine heritage, our true Divine Self, then the power of that is immense. It’s not a lightweight thing, how can it be? To say that we are all connected, not just with each other, but with The All, and not just like some kind of genealogical thing, but in the sense of being part of . . . being AS the Divine Life, then this is really powerful stuff. Yet I know and sense this to be true. Within my very being is part of the One Divine Life. My body will fail and crumble, but just as surely as nothing ever dies, that which is Divine within will also never die. I want this truth to shift from knowledge to living reality within me.

The time spent around the Wellhead was special for me only because of part of a poem spoken by a guy who was truly channelling the Divine. I was caught up in the excitement and wonder of the words that flowed from him as they underlined and magnified all that I write of above. It’s time to honour my true Divinity and to move in the power of that.

Do I sound arrogant? I can see how I may come across that way, but I do not write in arrogance. If anything, I write almost in fear at what this really means. I am also painfully aware that what I speak of is probably akin to that which Dion Fortune called Initiation, that moment where it is the Higher Self, the God Self, that radiates from one’s eyes. I am well aware that I am not at that point, as yet. I am a Seeker, a person who seeks Initiation, but at the same time I am more than aware of the road that I need to travel before I reach that point. In that sense the words I write speak as much of aspiration as they do revelation.

Together with this today was special because I connected with friends, both old and new, and loved the fact that a glance exchanged could communicate a thousand words.

A special day indeed!

Sunday, 31 January 2010


This is one of my most favourite times of the year. The promise of Imbolc, for me, is one of the most powerful and moving of seasons, as we celebrate the fact, the truth that nothing ever dies. Here, for me, is where the wheel of the year brings forth its promise, those first stirrings of hope, those very early signs that the pain and challenge of the Dark Season is now bringing forth its promise. Just when it felt that all was lost, that death and dark were all there ever would be, comes the very early sign that there is hope. There is life . . . that the journey has not led to death, but it has led to transformation, to change, and now here, once more, is the promise of life. Nothing really dies.

And the Dark is often terrible – but necessary. I can’t subscribe to the fluffy notion that as a spiritual person all will be love and light. It’s not all about dancing and singing. That’s not real. That’s not life and it certainly isn’t a true spiritual experience. To embrace Light is to embrace Dark. Every seed of promise has its bed in the dark and germinates in the dark and only after the process of germination does it begin to reach of the light.

It’s so easy to lose sight of our spiritual reality and to believe that what we see, touch, hear, feel and taste is all there is. We experience this temporal existence through our five senses and at times it’s easy to become fooled into thinking along these temporal lines. We become attached to the material and to the physical, however subtly, and then it’s not long before we’re projecting the temporal into some kind of superior and only reality. This is a blind alley I have walked down too many times and it’s only when I fall into the pit at the end of this alley that I realise the folly of my ways. It’s The Fools Journey.

In my experience it is the Dark that reveals the folly of this and causes me to look within, as well as up, and to see the true reality and not just that which presents itself before me each day. Gwyn ap Nudd, Keeper of the Underworld, strips away all that is pretence, all that is not needed, all that does not serve, to reveal that which is of the Higher Mind. It is impossible to fully embrace the wonder of the Light if one has not travelled with the Dark. The Dark is the place of true transformation, where one is honed and then free to burst forth into the Light, as Light. Here is the mystery, here is the wonder.

Some like to look at the Dark as evil. This is a terrible but commonplace misunderstanding. The Dark is not evil at all, rather it is part of Life, part of the mystery, and part of me. As I journey into the very womb of the Mother so I am confronted with that which is unnecessary and contrary to my own spiritual evolution. Yes, here is often pain and here is often torment, but this is not evil or bad. The pain and torment comes from me, from my own attachment and refusal to let go. The pain is about my own resistance. The Dark is all about release, liberation and freedom and a true sense of being prepared for the wonder of rebirth. It is that continual process of Little Death that leads to the wonder of continual rebirth. I cannot appreciate the true wonder of rebirth if I have not allowed that to die which no longer serves my better interest.

There is nothing fluffy about this.

There has to be Death before Life. No matter how hard I have tried to avoid this in the past, the reality of the fact comes home, and at times has had to hit me hard. There are no short cuts, no quick fixes. If I want to walk in the way of the Gods, then I have to accept that I open myself to the fires of transformation and, if I want to know the joy and release that first has its promise at Imbolc, then I need to journey through the Dark that is Samhain.

So the promise of Light at Imbolc is a celebration because to me it’s about being catapulted out into a new place. It’s also about knowing that I am part of that Light. I am a Light of the World. As I continue to journey with The Mother, so I am being transformed, part of my journey before I return to source.

Nothing really dies. We may taste terrors, we may experience pain, we may stare death in the face, but we do not die and this is the promise, the wonder of Imbolc. The cycle continues, the circle is joined, the mystery is revealed.

Goddess and God reveal the wonder of this time of year in those swelling buds, those first green shoots that we can see in our own gardens. Within us too, those shoots are growing, those intentions set in the Dark are now reaching for the Light and will, very soon, burst out of the Dark, triumphant, as they reach for the Light, toward heaven, our true home.

And I am a Light of This World, as are all who walk with the Gods and who seek initiation. We bring Light because we are Light. The Light of our Higher Self radiates from within at ever increasing levels as we walk our path.

So at Imbolc I celebrate my true reality, my true connection. I am birthed, once more, from Darkness into Light and look to the forward year of promise and growth.

Sunday, 24 January 2010

Papa Don't Preach!

I didn’t like having to delete one of the comments to my post of last week, as I don’t like censorship at all. However, as this space is my own spiritual journal where I record my own thoughts and spiritual journey I felt that someone posting the Christian gospel, asking me to walk a different path and stating that the Christian way was the only way, was not only disrespectful and rude, it was also insulting.

People who have journeyed with me over some time will know, from the posts I have made over the years, that I once was Christian. I was raised in an evangelical/charismatic Christian family and even went to Bible College. I know the Christian gospel as well as anyone. I have also chosen to reject it.

I’m making this the theme of my post this week for a reason, and the reason is this: I don’t believe anyone holds the key to absolute truth. I also don’t believe that any of us have a right to criticise the spiritual path of another. I cringe in horror and embarrassment when I look back at my life and think of the times when I have ‘preached the gospel’ at people, instead of respecting them, their journey and where they happen to be in terms of their journey. I really wish I could go back and apologise to each and every one of those people. This kind of attitude shows no respect for individual intelligence and neither does it respect people as individuals. It also shows an utter disregard for the integrity of others. It is this kind of fundamentalism that has caused our world to enter into many dubious and dangerous moments in recent and not so recent history.

Who am I to tell another what they should believe and who am I to tell another what they believe?

My spiritual journey has shown me that my body is a shell, it’s a tent, and it’s something in which I am choosing to live at this moment in time. My body is not me. My body simply houses that part of me that is before name and form, that part of me that is part of Source, part of The All. My soul is on an evolutionary journey and at this moment in time it lives within this body. No one can criticise where my soul is at today as it is where it is meant to be! By the same token, who am I to criticise you, your journey or where your soul is at today, for the very same reason. We will travel on our respective journeys until we have leaned and experienced what it is we needed until we rejoin Source and become at one with the One Divine Life. We make our own journey and we follow our own path and each is valid, each is special and precious and each deserves respect and honour.

I am not one of those pagans who hate Christians. I don’t understand people who dislike the followers of other paths so vehemently. I just don’t get that. I have reason to dislike the Christian path for so many reasons, but suffice to say that for me it was too restrictive and for me if did not value difference and diversity enough. The Christian doctrine to me was little short of a clone making factory and I found it to be something of a suffocating and claustrophobic experience and one that I have no desire to repeat. But this was my experience and for others who feel this is their way, I wish them well and I wish them blessings. I simply ask that they wish me the same.

I have no doubt that I am on the right path for me in this incarnation. Some people have wished me well on my ‘new path’ as some may perceive my recent draw to the Western Way as a new path. To me it isn’t a new path at all, rather a step along the path that I have always been walking. Where I have been informs where I am now, and there is no contradiction. I am simply placing my feel on the path that opens up before me.

And this brings me to where I am today. The comments made on my previous post were so very helpful as they have helped me to see the very real connection, or should I say, relationship, between my thoughts around ancestors and others thoughts around ‘the spirit of place.’ What I have seen is that there is indeed a relationship between the two.

I know that the wisdom, knowledge, experience, creativity and insight of my forebears reverberates within my very DNA. Their very being is present in the cells of my body. At the same time, the land they have walked has been invested with their energy through their spiritual practice as well as their everyday life and therefore the land also reverberates with this self same energy. Ancestors and land coming together.

And with this is the spirit of place. My forebears called to the elements, they called to their Gods, and as they were called, so the Gods responded. Someone once said that the more a God is called the more powerful in terms of energy and presence the God becomes. I don’t know what I think about that, but I can see that as a people call to the One Divine Life in the way that has been revealed to them, so this Deity forms part of the Group or Folk Soul.

As I walk the land I am beginning to sense all this in new and powerful ways. It is bringing a new sensitivity to the spirit of place and I can sense the energy of both those who have walked before and the Spirits of that place. The Gods have not deserted that space just because they are not called so frequently.

So the wisdom and mystery of my forebears, the land upon which I walk, and the Deities of that place lies before me. I just need to learn how to truly connect in such a way that I receive this wisdom.

I guess that is something of a lifetime journey!

Sunday, 17 January 2010

Acknowledging Ones Roots

I blogged some time ago about the importance of roots and this is something that has been with me again the past week or so. Truly knowing that sense of connection with Earth. I don’t mean this is a simple, fluffy visualisation sense, but in a true and dynamic sense of genuine and dynamic connection – a connection of power.

I have become increasingly aware of how this aspect of my spiritual path is frowned upon, not just by the Christian world but also by some parts of the magical community. Christians often view talk of connection with Earth, and our roots being firmly planted in our Mother as evil and wrong, and some people who follow a magical tradition have said to me that they consider such a practice to be ‘fluffy’ and without true foundation. I can the latter comment when one considers how trivialised such pathworking has become over the years, by some. But this is by no means the case for all. I think one has to delve deeply beneath the surface to find the true reality and it is important to avoid judging every book by its cover.

I have become convinced in recent weeks and months that the importance of connection with the spirit of place cannot be over emphasised. This is about truly connecting with ancestral wisdom, and this can be accessed through connection with the landscape, through tradition, as laid down in songs, myths and legends; and mystical connection with those who have gone before. To my mind this is both a valid and crucial aspect of spiritual practice.

Over the years I have allowed this apparent division between those who embrace Earth based spiritual practice and those who pursue a more Hermetic tradition to confuse and muddle my spiritual progress. I had allowed myself to get boxed into a pattern of thinking that was simply a case of ‘either or’ and that there was little, if any, room for a combination of both. Now I am starting to understand that one informs the other and the two can rest comfortably side by side as both are required for true spiritual development.

I cannot dismiss the wisdom of my ancestors. I see and sense a very real dovetailing of the Otherworld and the very real sense of the God-self. The two are not mutually exclusive. I know and understand and have experienced the power and majesty of the ‘spirit of place’ and know that what I see with my physical eyes is an expression of deity, of the Unseen. I think it is the dilution of this into commercial off the shelf packages of spirituality that has caused the damage for those who have truly experienced a powerful and real Earth based connection and celebrate deity in this way.

Ones roots cannot be dismissed. How can my branches reach to and celebrate and glory in the wonder of the heavens if I am cut off at the roots? How can I produce fruit that feeds and nourishes my fellow travellers if I have no way of drawing up rich and life giving energy? How can my spiritual self exist if it is separated from that wonderful and rich source of ancestral memory?

I am really beginning to see and understand not just the validity, but the crucial importance of connecting with what has been described to me recently as the ‘folk soul’. This speaks to me of that immeasurable and profound spiritual reservoir that is full of ancestral knowledge, wisdom, experience and power; a rich and dynamic spiritual energy source.

What I am not speaking about here, however, is a slavish adherence to the past that expresses itself through some kind of nationalistic spiritual expression of the past. To my mind the person who walks between the worlds today brings back ancient wisdom that meets the needs of human kind today. Our path has to be relevant to today and whilst we know and experience our connection with ancient consciousness, we bring the power of this into the world that we find ourselves in now.

That’s not to water it down, that’s not to pretend, but rather to bring ancient wisdom and knowledge to our current situation through a moving on from our roots rather than an attempt to remain stuck.

This is the challenge for me as I take my next faltering steps on my spiritual journey. My intention is to connect with my guides and forebears and to truly understand and experience the wonder and power of their connection with the One Diviner Life and bring this into my experience in the Now. This is not about living my spiritual life vicariously through them, but rather to fully and dynamically appreciate the foundation upon which my spiritual path and experience is based. I want to truly value and appreciate the wonder of my forebears experience and to fully appreciate the roots that sustain me and the energy that springs from these roots that in turn spurs me on to new experiences and growth.

Sunday, 10 January 2010

Relationship With Deity

On reading through some of my old writings there are a number of themes that strike a chord with me today. One that resonates most strongly with me at the moment is relationship with Deity. It’s been good to check back and evaluate my spiritual journey as it was happening some months ago, in some cases, many months, because this has allowed to me capture the essence of that journey and has enabled me to see where I want to walk in the months that lie ahead. It’s no coincidence, I am sure, that Imbolc is just around the corner! Things are starting to stir indeed.

I think my entire spiritual journey can be summarised in the title of this entry – it’s all about my relationship with Deity. Back in the days of my Christian upbringing, whilst God was portrayed as a God of love, there was a theme running parallel to this that whilst not saying “this is what you have to do in order to win God’s love”, it was saying, and very clearly, “this is the behaviour, conduct, attitude, thought processes, beliefs and lifestyle you have to mirror in order to maintain God’s love.” There was this incredibly rigid, inflexible, almost hostile, heavy and suffocating code one had to adhere to that had the result of driving any creativity, spontaneous expression, diversity or freedom right out of the door. This had the simple and sad result of creating nothing other than clones, people who all spoke, thought and acted alike, no difference, no diversity, no creativity at all. Just sameness, all stirred together with a sense of having to reach out for God.

And it’s that sense of ‘reaching out’ that is weighing heavy on me today and it is this that has caused me to write this entry today. A mental picture that remains with me from my Charismatic Christian days is of gatherings of people (and don’t get me wrong, the majority of these people were sincere, lovely people) all singing praise to their God with their hands lifted to heaven. But these hands were not just lifted, there was something desperate here, something that spoke of a desperate hunger and a need to reach out and grab something and to pull whatever it was they found back into themselves. There was a tragedy about this and it was this picture that struck me quite vividly even when I still moved in those circles. This desperate desire was something of a neurosis and it spoke of huge effort on the part of the seeker. It left me empty.

No relationship, and most especially one with the Divine, is about rules and regulations. It can’t be about an adherence to a code or religious following of some kind of dogma – this isn’t what relationship is. Relationship is dynamic, it’s real, it has energy and power, it makes things happen, it creates things, it brings things to birth, it changes things and it’s celebratory and has moments of pure ecstasy. This is relationship!

Reflecting on my path to date I have come to see that my relationship with the One Divine Life is not about this strict and inflexible system, and neither is about looking up or back, it’s about looking within. I’ve come in for some criticism in saying this, and it’s so easy to interpret my words as little more than a call to navel gazing. This isn’t what I am saying at all. What I am saying is, as Doreen Valiente was inspired to write in her Change Of The Goddess “for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.” This isn’t just about knowing how one ticks, it’s not just about a call to psychology, it’s about understanding the Mystery and wonder that lies within each one of us.

Each of us is an expression of the One Divine Life and in this each of us is divine. Within me is the very magick that birthed creation. The same energy, the same dynamic, creative relationship. It’s not about a desperate and hungry reaching out, begging to be filled by some distant God, but rather an understanding of that relationship that already is manifest within. The wonder of all this is within me. And this doesn’t exist just to make me feel better, it’s not some egotistical thing, it’s a realisation that the beginning of which brings wholeness and healing not just to individuals, but to the land, our Earth.

My path is a journey that possibly over many lifetimes will take me closer to that ecstatic embrace of the Divine. And this starts, I feel, with understanding where my place truly lies with the One Divine Life, and taking that place begins with an acknowledgement that I, as I am today, am a perfect and pleasing expression of the One Divine Life.

Sunday, 3 January 2010

Heaven and Earth

In many ways I know little of which I speak! The Western Way is a magical path that I feel has been calling me for some time, yet I’ve been in something of a haze of confusion as I’ve been looking for a way forward. Sure, I’ve read Dion Fortune, yet at the same time I have been sure that there has been something missing in my search. I was reminded today of a quote from Dion Fortune’s book “The Goat Foot God”. Hugh Paston says:

I don’t want anything spiritual, it isn’t my line, I had an overdose of it at Oxford. What I want is that something vital which I feel to be somewhere in the universe, which I know I need, and which I can’t lay my hand on

And for me, this is my quest. I want to make and experience that true connection with the One Divine Life and for this connection to change me and those I come into contact with. What I want is spiritual in the sense that I hunger for the inner courts of reality and not the outer courts of theatre. I don’t want pretence, show, theatre, costume and pseudo-glamour, I want all that stripped away in order to get hold of that which is real and to truly experience Them in my being. I think one of the reasons I have been silent here for so long is that I have been disillusioned with the peddling of spirituality, and whilst I know that each and every one of us has a living to make, there is something cheapening about it when it is peddled by people who have simply read the right books but experienced little. And reality has to be what it is all about.

I am conscious that I am setting out my store, and in a way I already feel the pressure of that, but by the same token one does not become an initiate of the Mysteries by attending a weekend workshop, I know that this is about commitment, dedication, spiritual practice, meditation and sacrifice. Key themes that have been with me for some time. So what I am talking about here is a process rather than an event, and one that I have control over.

As I stood on Glastonbury Tor yesterday I became aware of two things:

1. That I was deeply connected to Earth, at the same time I was aware that through this connection I was drawing up fire from the very centre of Earth and this fire became the centre of me

2. That I was connected to the Stars and celestial light radiated from my head and poured into my head.

These two things are the power of connection and to, at the moment, show the first steps on what I am understanding as the Western Mystery Tradition. There are two things running parallel: the deep connection to Earth with roots firmly planted in the ways and traditions of my ancestors, whilst at the same time reaching to the heavens and experiencing that deep connection with the One Divine Life. Here is a perfect union and one cannot be had without the other, the meeting of heaven and earth. This is something that I need to explore, as there is something about bring the reality of this into the Now – into my daily experience.

And here is an issue that trips me up again and again – bringing all of this into my daily working life. I’ve not cracked that as yet. On a daily basis I still see things that upset and offend me in terms of how people are treated and their humanity walked over, and increasingly, I find this impossible to accept. The actions of others have the detrimental affects upon the not only the careers of others, but also violates their human dignity, and somehow I am expected to support this in the name of progressing the organisation. This I find increasingly impossible. I feel that 2010 will be a time where, drawing on the fire that burns within me and the inspiration of my Gods I will be speaking not only my truth, but the truth, into these situations. Courage and strength, two words that were given to me by a Facebook friend yesterday, will be key in tackling this . . . and I will need them by the bucket load! It is stuff like this work situation that I allow to block my spiritual progress. I feel that it almost robs me of something. Instead I need to turn it around, and pour in to this spiritual void that is work, something of me. My true self.

I want to step away from Heaven and Earth as simply concepts, so that their reality radiates within and from me so that change is engendered, both for me, and for those who experience me in various ways as I go about my life.

Saturday, 2 January 2010

The Desire Of My Heart

I’ve been wondering what title I can give this blog entry as it’s been almost a year since I’ve written anything here. All titles that came to mind appeared to me to be either sentimental, out of proportion or simply stupid. So, I shall simply write what is on my heart and see what title reveals itself from that.

This blog has always been about keeping my own personal journal, a spiritual journal because I consider myself to be a spiritual person. From all the labels that one could attribute to me, and there are many,’ spiritual’ is the one that best defines me and who I am whilst also describing where and what I want to be. It is both a description and an aspiration and the wonder and magick of that can be found in the apparent contradiction. I guess what I have just written could sound arrogant to some, but to me this is an important statement of fact that I need to get clear in my own head. I am, first and foremost, above all else, a man of Spirit. That others have joined my journey by way of making comments on this blog has been a bonus in terms of the support such comments provide, but my writing was never about engendering comments, and that, I feel, is an important boundary to emphasise, because losing that sense of perspective is one of the reasons that I’ve been away.

I need to set out why I’ve been away in order to make sense of my return to the blogosphere.

2009 was an incredibly tough year on many fronts. In terms of my own health, serious health issues for people with whom I am deeply connected, challenging situations at work and my own internal challenges provided me with the need to retreat, to regroup, to challenge what is really important to me and what it is I actually believe. Many of these issues and situations, including my own health status, remain currently unresolved. I needed to step away from this public space because it was simply that: public. To write for the sake of blogging alone would be to move away from what this blog is all about, and at times there was nothing to write, as all I could do was ‘be’. The apparent external inactivity belied the huge inner workings that were taking place.

Motivation was also a key reason why I stepped back from the blogosphere. As I have set out, this space is simply my own spiritual diary. I found that in making this a public thing there was a huge temptation to write simply for the comments of others, or to impress. Much of this was a subconscious pressure that made its way into my conscious mind and when I became aware of it, I was really uncomfortable. I was also concerned about some of the things I witnessed within the blogosphere and the damage that some of this was doing to people. I needed to retreat, to examine my own motives and be clear about them. Was this blog something of ego, or something of Spirit? To put it to death seemed to me to be the most appropriate way of exploring that issue and for that to be true and sincere, it needed to be put to death without fanfare.

So why make this thing public at all? My answer to that is simply that I want my journey to be open to the scrutiny and the support of others, whilst also supporting others on their path. Whilst my path is essentially solitary, and no one else can walk my path for me, I value the support of those spiritual people of stature that I respect. Anything I say or experience should be open to challenge as well as support, otherwise there is no growth. And growth is what I want. This was something that I had to get absolutely clear in my head because the very last thing I wanted was for this blog to become something other than what I intended. I did not want to become some kind of minor pseudo-pagan celebrity; I wanted it to be real in terms of reflecting my own spiritual journey.

I thought of opening a new blog somewhere else, and then I saw that as opposing what this space represents. All the posts that go before reflect my journey; they are all stepping stones to where I am today, so why would I want to move away from them? They are important, even those where I sound confused and bewildered, because those states are also true reflections of where I have been, and probably where I will be again!

And I think here again is a reason I retreated. Some people saw me as some kind of teacher, and I can’t set myself up as that. I’m not. I’m simply a soul in a spiritual evolutionary experience, no different, no more special or important that anyone else . . . or perhaps I should say as important as everyone else. Mutual learning is wonderful, but that is not the primary objective of this space.

I think I also began to feel an unspoken pressure to adopt some kind of formally accepted path. I can’t do that, at least, not at this moment. I am simply me working with what has been revealed to me. However, I want a formal framework upon which I can hang my journey, and I feel that is the Western Mystery Tradition, but this is a path of which I know little and need to explore and experience on a much deeper level. I set this as an intention for the forward year.

From that, some may say I cannot call myself pagan. I understand the reasoning behind that, but for the purpose of this blog, and in terms of it reflecting where I have been, and in a sense, remain, I see no reason to change the blogs title at this point.

So why am I back? Because it is time to further the internal work that is part of my spiritual evolution. By committing my thoughts, feelings, revelations, disasters, progress, joys, sadness, highs and lows to a permanent medium I see the stepping stones of my journey, like setting cat’s-eyes in a new road; they beam the way ahead as well as showing the road travelled. All that I have written, including the silent times where nothing has been written, reflect where I have been, where I am now and where I am going. All of it needs to be in the mix to be real.

Today was an important day, and one that has thrown me back into the blogosphere as I needed to document this. I fully expect to be writing here more often from here-on-in. Important because today I faced an issue that I’ve been avoiding for some time, and that is one of trust. I have shied away from words like ‘faith’ and ‘trust’ because to me they had too many echoes associated with my Christian past. But today, this was challenged.

I was standing atop Glastonbury Tor, one of the most important places in my life, and was seeking to connect with Owl, one of my power animals. To my surprise, a Swan appeared to me, and to my even greater surprise, I realised that I was being invited to climb onto the back of this bird, and the fear this engendered was tangible. To do this means to place my safety and security into the hands of another, and life has taught me that I need to be in control of me, I need to be strong, I need to be the one who decides what happens and where . . . but this was a call to faith. A call to trust. Those words that scare me the most. In an attempt to dismiss this visualisation my head began to tell me that this nothing more than a Walt Disney fantasy, but the clear impression remained, I knew this was real and I knew this was a test. I needed to take the step . . . this was a call to embrace faith and trust but in a way in which those words were not loaded with historical context.

So I stepped onto the back of this bird and experienced the immediate protection of those powerful wings. I was safe. The immense power of this bird was not lost on me, I could feel it, and I also understood and felt its fierce protection, in this respect a reflection of Sulis, my patron Goddess.

So now I know I am being taken into new things. I don’t know the destination, but I know I have accepted an invitation to travel deeper into the Mysteries, and this is the desire of my heart.