Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Watch This Space!

So much has been happening for me spiritually in recent weeks that I hardly know where to begin. However, I feel a need to try and summarise in order to place a marker here at the end of the month, and also as now I enter the phase of the waxing moon, and the things that I record here I want to see grow and develop over the weeks ahead.

I have discovered a real power and strength in embracing my Own True Will, that is, being who I truly am and embracing my own course. I have a real sense of taking up my place on the Web Of Life, and I know the vibration that I send out on this Web. My actions, and indeed inaction, affect others on the Web, just as theirs affect me. We are interconnected and interdependent. Together, the notes of our collective vibrations are the orchestra of life.

All this leads to me having a new and sustained belief in myself, a confidence and strength. This comes not from some kind of puffed up, egotistical, conceited pride, or, equally as disastrous, from some kind of false or introverted humility, but rather from a real sense of who and what I am. Believing in myself, truly moving into that place of spiritual confidence, has been a theme of this New Moon - believing in my own inner relationship. And this confidence, this embracing of my own True Will, leads me away from the supplicating "if it be thy will" of my archaic Christian past, into a new place of where I can make it happen and affect positive change.

I will be buffeted and blown about at times, my vehicle is but human flesh, but the tides that are beneath the surface are stronger than any winds that may blow above, and therefore I will stay true to my course, even if it appears that I'm travelling in the opposite direction to everyone else!

I am a Magickal Being, I am Divine, because I am of the One Divine Life, just as the One Divine Life if of me. My goal, my aim, my desire, is to truly experience and reflect that most awesome and powerful of connections. To know, even as I am fully known. I seek the true, real and powerful initiation of the manifestation of the Higher Self within me, and I know that this brings a real, deep, intimate and personal challenge.

My tarot meditations of the past two weeks have made this challenge abundantly clear. Now is the time were I have to be serious about bringing down those pillars, those constructs, those beliefs and patterns that have reinforced the illusion of self. I have bought into my own personal hype too often! I can't avoid this - I have to truly experience the path of the 'little deaths' if I am to truly experience the manifestation of Higher Self. There are no shortcuts, and I've known this forever, yet still I shy away. This can happen no more. I have to let go of those things that are contrary to my own course, those things that will only bring inner conflict, those things that are at odds to my genuine calling and my true purpose in being here. To continue with them is to only continue this sense of separation from my True Self, and my True Self is Divine.

My desire now is to bring my manhood up into my Godhood. 'I live here on earth but my race is from the starry heavens' and I want this to shift from knowledge to experience. The mighty experience of last nights New Moon ritual has underlined and emphasised this truth.

It's been an incredible couple of weeks. A couple of weeks that throws so many things up in the air, yet at the same time makes so many things so perfectly clear. I don't see an easy road ahead, but I see a road that I want to walk, a path that I do not want to avoid or sidestep, yes, it will bring growing pains, but the alternative is not worthy of my consideration.

Things are changing on a personal, professional, spiritual and magickal plane for me. All is shifting and moving, all is fluid. At the centre of this is a movement in my spiritual experience, an embracing of a more magickal aspect to my spiritual practice. I don't fully know or understand how this is going to pan out, I don't fully understand the steps I have been taking of late, but this I know: they are the right steps, they are steps of Divine initiation and they are the steps in which I wish to walk.

As ever, it's a case of watch this space!

Monday, 29 September 2008

New Moon

What an amazing New Moon ceremony this evening! Four of us met in my Temple Room, and we worked elementally with New Moon energy, focusing on our relationship with Source, the All, and making room for our Higher Self to radiate within and from us. It was just such a special time, probably one of the most powerful times I've had in ritual.

Although we shared experiences at the end of the ceremony, I obviously can't share the experiences of others here, but I want to share a few of my own experiences.

I wrote the ritual based on my spiritual development of the past few weeks. The emphasis was very much upon deepening ones relationship and connection with Deity, with ones True Self and beginning to release the Inner Light of ones Higher Self. Obviously I needed to tread very carefully with this, so the emphasis was upon people working and holding the energy personally, moving at an individual pace that they felt was right for them, but then also blessing and giving to each other. It was a joy to see how well this worked.

As I was calling in the elements, the Lord and Lady, my Guides and Ancestors, I saw the room filled! It was strange because almost as soon as I noticed them, I couldn't see them, but I could sense and feel them. Truly, and honestly, the room was filled with Beings who were celebrating with us and blessing us as we gathered there. It was an incredible moment.

The sense of being filled, powerfully filled with energy at this moment for me was terrific and I don't think I've ever experienced anything quite like it before. As I sat down I was physically shaking.

We then moved to working with the elements. This was such an important ritual for me because it was about celebrating, experiencing and sharing our relationship and connection with The All.

With Earth, individually we held a conker, the conker acting as a simple symbol and representation of Earth, but also something that carries the energy and vitality of Earth. Individually we experienced our connection to Earth, knowing that we live here on Earth, but our race is from the Starry Heavens. For me my connection with the Underworld was strong once again, but also the fact that I am connected to the highest star. I saw myself taking this journey which was down a very long, straight road, I was travelling at pace, and the colours all around me were blurred somewhat. It was something like a parade and it felt like I was being welcomed into a new place.

Holding this energy we moved to Air, each of us smudging the other with white sage. This felt so cleansing and renewing, a real blowing away of the chaff and a sense of stepping into the new.

With fire we held tea lights, allowing us to visualise our Inner Light filling us from our Higher Selves.

With water we anointed each other, and for me this was about trusting and believing in my own intuition and starting to move in this trust. Believing in myself - a key lesson of recent months.

The energy was so high at this point I thought that I was going to combust! I had been holding the energy from each element and was conscious of this building within me, and as I glanced around the room I could see that each of us were holding it and moving with it. We really were working magically, it was wonderful.

Then we stood together, raising the energy that had built through the ritual and sending it to people and places where it was needed.

This sounds so simple as I write it, but the energy we had between us was more than tangible, it was incredibly powerful. I looked at everyone at the end and said "special, magickal people!" because to me it was an honour and a privilege to have worked a simple ritual with these people.

We are just an ordinary, small group of people, but tonight we connected and bonded in a very real and special way.

I think each of us have stepped into a new place with our Gods this evening and as the moon waxes so we will build upon and develop that relationship, each of us moving onward in the process of Becoming.

Sunday, 28 September 2008

Foggy Day

Regular readers of this blog will know that Glastonbury Tor is a very special place for me. It's somewhere I visit regularly, both on my own and with a special friend called Jacquie. Why is it special? Probably because it's a 'high place,' somewhere where I find it so easy to commune with Deity. The spiritual heritage of the Tor is open to question and debate, but what is true is the fact that spiritual pilgrims have visited the place and invested their own energy here in recent times and as such the Tor radiates with a positive, healing, vibrant energy. I just love it there, it's a real spiritual home for me.

So it was that my friend Jacquie and I made a visit to the Tor this morning. We started our ascent at around 08.30, at a time when the entire area was covered in a huge thick blanket of fog. The air was damp and thick with fog and it's fair to say that as we were climbing our thoughts were pretty much "what on earth are we doing, we must be crazy!" It seemed that if there had ever been any doubt as to our sanity, climbing the Tor when it was almost impossible to see more than a few metres in front of oneself confirmed those doubts!

But when we got to the top it was like we had entered a new and different world. Truly, it was just incredible. The sun was shining down on the Tor and it was just so - hot! I had been wearing a jumper and jacket, but I threw these off because it was just so lovely and warm, it was truly glorious.

The shining sun caused a reflection of the Tor and tower to be cast upon the fog that incased us. By clicking on these pictures you can enlarge them, but you can clearly make out the Tor in reflection. I've never seen anything quite like this before, isn't it amazing?

When the fog was thick it was so easy to see how the Tor would have looked when it was an island. The fog looked just like water, it really looked as though you were looking out to sea, and it felt as though one could swim out from the hillside! As the fog began to thin in the heat of the sun, trees began to peep through the fog, giving an incredibly stunning view, just amazing. This picture captures the essence of this quite well. You can also see a House Martin in flight.

We were joined by a herd of cows, complete with Bull! The Bull seemed to want to enjoy the energy of the Tor with us, so visited by way of the Tower itself!

And this is me, testifying to the glorious sunshine on the Tor this morning! As we climbed down, we entered the thick fog once more, and it was back on with jumpers and coats for around an hour and a half before the fog totally cleared.

The analogy here is not lost on me. It's so easy to get lost in the fog when one focuses on the illusion of reality in this world. I often feel as though I don't know where to place my feet, yet as we shift our consciousness, stop relying on the limitations and distortions of our human senses, there is an entirely different experience to be had. We can enter a new and different realm. It may be a hard and difficult journey to get there, we have to bring down so many false towers that we have believed in for some time, some that have propped us up for decades, some that we may have only recently created ourselves, but as we bring them down, we make more room for the light of our Higher Self, our God Self, to radiate and permeate within, and we enter initiation, and the next phase of our journey begins.

Okay, perhaps a trite analogy in many ways, it's somewhat obvious, I guess, but after the developments and happenings for me in recent days, today acted like something of a visual aid, a physical confirmation of what has been happening within.

A blessed New Moon tomorrow, everyone.

Friday, 26 September 2008

There . . . I've Said It!

So much of my spiritual practice has been speaking to me of True Self in recent months, and my reading has also been reaffirming that which I have been learning direct from Spirit. To say this is exciting has to be the understatement of the century, but once again, this week, my reading has affirmed what I have been receiving directly from Source. I never cease to be amazed that in my own spiritual practice I hear the words of the One Divine Life.

I have a feeling that this entry is going to be one of the most important posts I’ve ever made. Blimey, doesn’t that sound dramatic? Trust me, I don’t mean to be a Spiritual Diva! What I’m simply doing is laying this post down as a significant marker in my spiritual and magickal development. Remember, the main aim of this blog is to act as something of a spiritual diary for me. What is wonderful, truly wonderful, is that I can share this journey with you, those who choose, for whatever reason, to read this spiritual journal. I treasure the fact that you do that, and make comments along the way, more than you can possibly imagine. I’m not a teacher, I’m not an expert, I’m not learned, I’m not a scholar, I’m not a spiritual or pagan leader of any kind, I’m simply a Seeker, a man hungry for both spiritual truth and spiritual experience, and this blog aims to simply track my own journey through the rough and the smooth, the valleys and the peaks. So when I say that this is going to be one of the most significant posts I’ve ever made, I say that this is what it will be for me. For some, it may be old hat. I just feel that this week has been something of a breakthrough for me. I feel like a rock climber who has reached a new and hitherto unexplored peak. As I look up, I see many more peaks to ascend, I’m by no means at the top and I am aware, more than aware, that I have a very long way to go, but as I look down, I can see how far I have come, and this is such a source of joy and celebration in my heart tonight.

Why have I said all that? Because I know that this is my path, and therefore what I say here can only be about my own journey. We each walk our own path, and have to walk that path alone. I have said the above because this post can only be about what is real for me, and talk about where I am at this moment in time. That some of you find inspiration from my incoherent ramblings is a joy to me, but I am also very mindful that what I write here cannot be absolute truth, but it is my truth.

Of late I have been confused as to how Source can be both immanent and also transcendent, then I came upon this quote: “. . . having created the Universe with a fragment of Myself, I remain.” It’s taken from the Bhagavad Gita – and as I read these words I experienced what was like an explosion within me, seriously, it was that powerful. This is a concept that I’ve known in my heart to be true, but it’s not something that I’ve seen reflected elsewhere, and suddenly here it was, before me and I wanted to jump up and down and sing! Yes! Source – my Deity, is immanent, but is also transcendent. I’ve known it, known it for ever, but reading those words showed me that I was not alone.

With this I saw that my soul is a replica of the greater universe, as the greater universe is the macrocosm, so my soul is the microcosm, a replica of it. “As above, so below.” I am the little universe within the greater universe – and so are you! Here is Unity, spiritual, powerful Unity. The phrase “we are all one” is not some trite, fluffy comment, but a hugely powerful statement of truth. The awesome reality of this just blows me away. “There is no part of me that is not part of the Gods” and the reality of this is something that I feel I am getting my head, heart and soul around for what feels like the very first time. I understand it and have no concept of it all at the same time!

So I am not separate, not desperately seeking to establish my connection with Deity, with Source, but I am part of this wonderful Unity. I am a Son, a Child, of the Gods. It’s just incredible. As I read this week, ‘. . . I am a Child of the Earth, but my race is from the Starry Heavens.’

My Gods are all aspects of Source, of the Supreme, perfect channels of the Supreme Power, each bringing into my experience aspects of the One Divine Life. The rays of their essential being radiate within and from me.

And although I see much imperfection within myself, I know that the call is to ‘dissolve and reform’. I’ve mentioned this here so many times in recent weeks, but once again the reality of it has hit home this week. This self which I have been fooled into believing is really me over the years, is nothing but illusion. The me that is so easy to cling to, the me that I indulge and pamper is not me at all. This is the me that needs to dissolve, little death by little death, as this is simply a mask to the True Self. This illusion dissolves to allow the manifestation of my True Self, the Inner Light, my Higher Self. This is my True Self.

This unity with my True Self brings me into contact, albeit for a fleeting moment, with the spiritual reality that is truly me - My Higher Self. I am part of the One Divine Life, and the One Divine Life expresses itself, in part, through me, just as through all matter, as all matter is part of the One Divine Life and indeed is the One Divine Life.

My Higher Self is my Inner Ruler who will continue to guide me on my path, a path of bringing my manhood up, up into my Godhood and I say this because I now know that my true aim is to achieve that which has always been true, the ecstatic embrace of the Divine, which works to seal the truth that my inner spirit is Divine, is Deity, living within and part of this body. This Divine Spirit grows and permeates through more of me, as more of the illusion dissolves and dissipates.

Oh man, this is powerful and awesome stuff, so much so it leaves me breathless.

I will mess up, get it wrong, make mistakes, let people down, upset people, go down wrong turns and blind alleys, because I am human flesh, but this I know, the Spirit that resides within me is Divine, and you know what? That makes me Divine too. There’s been talk on a few blogs recently about whether we should embrace just the Goddess, or just the God, or both, but now I see it’s not a case of that. The reality is we are all Gods and Goddesses! We are part of the One Divine Life and as such we are the One Divine Life!

There, I’ve said it!

But I say it with such a degree of humility and wide eyed wonder that my words simply can’t begin to express what I feel within. I could dance all night long; I can’t express how exciting this is!

This makes so much sense, at least, to me. I hope that something here resonates with you.

(Reference ‘Magic’, W.E. Butler, ISBN 1-870450-50-7)

Tuesday, 23 September 2008


I think most of you know that I start each week by turning 3 Tarot cards, and I use these 3 cards as a focus for my meditations for the week. I interpret each card with the other and use them as a kind of spiritual life coaching. It's a way that I am used to opening to Deity and through them I feel Deity speaks right into the heart of me. It's something I've done for some time now, it's even got to the stage where I am wondering whether I should begin to tweak and alter the way I spend time with Them before each day truly begins. It's something I've pondered for some time, but, for the moment at least, this is how I have been working.

This week the cards have been tough, and have challenged me to the core. I know that I've been growing of late, I have a real sense of spiritual development and I am aware of growing stronger, and closer to Source. However, this week there has been a strong word from the Lord and Lady of how I need to move forward if I am to continue this path and grow ever closer to Them.

These words are timely, as they have come with the arrival of Autumn Equinox. A time of growing introspection, a time of taking stock, gathering in, not retreating, but recognising growth and also doing some final husbandry. The cards this week have all been about this.

To be honest, and honesty and transparency is one the aims of my blog, I don't seek to present myself as something I am not, when I looked at them I groaned! I so wanted something lovely and fluffy, but no, not this time! I spoke of Air on my last entry, and Air can cut like a knife, a chilling blast that can separate flesh from the bone, and something of that blast has hit me with the cards this week.

Restriction has come up a lot for me this past year, and this week the cards have spoken of this once again. Restriction, but combined with self limiting, negative thought patterns, so the restriction comes not from external sources, but from within. There is something here around developing a keener, more attuned concentration, and a learning to filter out the negative rubbish that my chattering mind can bombard me with at times, and really see myself as I truly am. I've embraced so much of my True Self in recent months, and this is the truth about me that I need to invest in and feed - if that makes sense. Not in some kind of blind denial, but in a real and genuine intention to allow the light of my Higher Self to pervade all of me.

My trust and confidence in myself as a spiritual and magickal being has really grown in recent months, but the Lord and Lady have caused me to pause this week and check out, once again, just where that confidence is placed - is it in what I see as a growing ability, or is it in my relationship with Them. Relationship is part of the core of my spiritual path, and there has been something of a gentle reminder this week.

But then I turned the Tower, and to be honest, that floored me somewhat, as it's a card that has often spoken to me of destruction of something that I have been building, perhaps due to going off course. It momentarily confused me. As I paused and listened to the voice of the Lord and Lady I began to hear what it was they were saying, especially as I read the cards together, as they should be read. The message here was simple - don't underestimate my own intrinsic power. There was something here of taking up my own personal responsibility, but in way that recognises my own ability to create, and destroy, to build up, or to knock down - and this includes myself. As a spiritual and magickal being I create my own reality, I forge my own way ahead, so I cannot always point the finger when things go wrong, rather I have to examine myself, and see what it was about me, within me or of me that allowed that to happen - how did I leave myself open to that attack? If attack indeed it was. If something is not the way I want it or the way I think it should be, if it's causing an internal conflict or causing me to behave in a way or a manner that is not of my own true self, then something isn't right and I need to make it right, but I make it right not from some kind of brutal force, or effort, but from stepping into my rightful place on the web, and from operating from my true will - stepping into who I am.

So my restriction, my internal conflicts, my mind games, my mental conflicts come from me and my responses. It's a further and deeper call to see Source in and of all things and to respond accordingly, not from this body, this ego, but from my own true self.

This is a real challenge, a tough call, but it's part of the call to the deeper things of spirit.

Saturday, 20 September 2008


My partner and I went to a local antiques fair today, antiques being a real passion of his. I share this passion, but perhaps not to the same extent as he does, or shall I say his level of commitment to them is greater than mine in that he spends time researching and learning about his main areas of interest, whereas I simply enjoy their beauty and marvel at the craftsmanship each piece displays. This is simply because my time has to go towards work, and increasingly more importantly, towards learning and experiencing more about my spiritual path. One simply can’t do everything!

Today at the antique fair my attention was arrested by this picture, and I just had to share it with you, so I took a picture of it! It's not a very good picture - it's really hard to take photos of pictures because of the angle and because of the glass - but I'm sure this will give you a rough of idea of what it looks like.

This is a piece of art by Ivy Ruth Ellis. She was an artist who trained at the Birmingham School of Arts and Crafts and she worked mainly as a print maker using the woodcut, linocut and wood engraving techniques and she exhibited her work from 1920 – 1939.

When I saw this, I just stopped in my tracks! I couldn’t continue past the picture, I just had to stop and admire it. Something about it just drew me in, and I think it’s because as I looked at it I was caught up in the wonder and power of the moment the artist has captured here. The picture is called ‘Dawn’ and to me the figure here is worshipping the return of the new day, with all the wonder, hope, promise and inspiration it brings. Far more than that, here, somehow, is a celebration of connection with the elements of morning, new beginnings, spring – the element of Air, in the East. Air that brings us inspiration, ancient wisdom, creativity, clarity, discernment, the voice of Lord and Lady on the wind and within our core being. Air that brings the words and wisdom of our ancestors to us, Air that blows away the chaff, the nonsense, those things that no longer serve and separates the worthwhile from the worthless, sometimes with great force. The reality of this experience can be really rather painful.

In this picture my own sense of joy and celebration at not just the wonder of nature, but the reality of being part of Nature, at one with nature, connected to and connected with the secret source of power and energy of Nature, is captured. The joy and wonder within this picture is apparent and contagious and I just had to purchase it! At the moment it’s sat on the mantelpiece as I spend time admiring it and deciding just where it’s home should be, but my guess is that it will just have to take up residence in my Temple Room! I know this is where it belongs.

There is something pure, simple and powerful captured within this work of art. To me spirituality can be made so complex, yet for me it’s heart is a simple truth – I am connected to and am part of the One Divine Life. It’s the journey of discovering and then continuing to experience this truth that is often the complicated part! The childlike figure in this picture, naked before the Lord and Lady and spirits of nature, is celebrating and experiencing the wonder of this simple truth. She is in awe of Divinity and at one with her own divinity. She is enjoying and knowing what I have always said is at the very heart of my own spiritual path – the ecstatic embrace of the Divine.

So within this simple yet beautiful picture my entire spiritual path is captured. This childlike figure is enraptured in the joy of the One Divine Life and this is where my heart belongs. I can sense her tears of joy and happiness and I can feel the wonder and excitement within her heart. Her hands reach out, not in a desperate, needy, neurotic compulsion to feel connected, but in a joyous embrace of the Beloved as she celebrates the wonder and reality of this connection and she is at peace in the knowledge of her Oneness. Her reaching out is a response the embrace of the Beloved.

This is the new place that I want to step into.

Tuesday, 16 September 2008

I Am My Own Light

The pagan path that I walk appears to be a path of 'becoming' - but not of becoming something different or new, rather it is a path of becoming truly authentically me. I've said before that it feels as though each stage that I walk, each phase that I enter, seems to take me back to who I truly am, back to who I was always intended to be, back to the very core, the very fibre of my being. It's like I journey back to discover my true self, but the Self I was always meant to be, the Self before name and form.

All life is gestated in darkness, but as it seeks to grow so it reaches for the light, and the theme of 'light' has been with me this week. What struck me, as I was calling in Fire from the south the other morning, was that I am my own light. That threw me for a moment, as it felt pretentious and it was an impression that I wasn't expecting to encounter, but the clear, sharp thought was there - "I am my own light."

As I meditated upon this, things began to become clear for me. Calling in the elements has been taking on a new power for me recently, in that I don't just call the elements in, I have a very real sense of actually becoming air, fire, water and earth as I call. This week things have moved on again, as I called in Fire, so I filled with the light of this fire. I could see, sense and experience this piercing and enveloping light, but it wasn't coming from above or below or around me, it was radiating out from within. The light was emanating from my own true self, my own true will and as I remain true my course, true to my authentic self, then I am guided by my own light, because I am part of Source, in Source and of Source, part of the One Divine Life. This is a further and significant step into the mysteries, because I am truly beginning to fathom, to comprehend, to see and understand what it means to open myself to my true birthright as a child of the Lord and Lady.

This light that was filling me must be the light of Higher Self, the light of initiation, the light of real connection to Source. At the moment I had stepped into a new place, and I can't pretend to have walked out of my Temple Room radiating light to everyone who happened to cross my path, but in that moment and time there was a connection, an experience, that hitherto I had not experienced.

I know that my roots are deep in the Underworld, the very womb of the Mother, and here my gestation takes place, here I am conceived and from here I have my true origin, my true heritage. But the womb of the Dark Mother, this place of death, life and rebirth, propels me into the light as I am born. All life reaches towards the light, and just as I am conceived in the dark, so I reach for the light. My roots in that place of transformation, my branches reaching to the light of the very heavens. As I celebrate my true connection with the All, so I Am. So my own light radiates from within. As the connection is made, so I am born, I become my true, authentic self. Someone I need to learn how to remain in this place!

And I guess this is the next step, bring that spiritual truth into physical reality as I live on this material plane.

Saturday, 13 September 2008


I have a growing confidence in myself, and this confidence is coming not from some kind of arrogant, puffed up, over inflated ego, 'holier than thou', type place, but from an ever deepening awareness of my own place in all things. As opposed to seeing myself as a kind of misfit, which I think is how I have probably viewed myself for too long, I am seeing myself as a jigsaw piece that brings completeness to a particular picture, a particular place in time. It's not that I don't fit, it's more that I am a necessary part that helps me, and everything and everyone else, fit. I have a role to play. It's back to this thing of all being connected, interconnected, all One. As I find my own true will, my own natural self, and as I move in relation to my true self, thus avoiding inner (and indeed outer) conflict, so the jigsaw becomes complete, so things begin to make sense and so I begin to play my part in making the picture complete and support and enable others to play their own part also.

There is something about personal responsibility here. I am the master of my own destiny, not a victim of circumstance, but a magickal being who creates my own destiny. It is my responsibility to be true to who I truly am, to act in accordance with my own true will, to follow my course in relation with the The All and to take confidence and responsibility in who I Am. This means more than simply speaking my truth, it's about being my truth. Every facet of me needs to authentically radiate my own reality, my own truth. As I move in accordance with my own true will and as I enjoy the inner harmony this brings, this harmony is what those around me will encounter. This is becoming increasingly important to me.

I am finding that so much of this has it's birth in my appreciation of my true connection with The All. In this past week, as I have been calling in the elements, and knowing that as I become those elements, within and without, I have been experiencing my true connection with them, as if my body holds the tension between them, if that makes any sense. I have been aware of not just 'holding that space' as it has been said to me before, but actually holding that tension, that real sense of energy in the centre of all. The sense of energy has been quite amazing, quite powerful.

I feel this is crucial, as I sense change coming, yet again. I am anticipating change in my work, both in the expectations of me in relation to my work, and my geographical location. Neither of these things bring any sense of joy, but I know that I need to be in a place where I am in control of what is happening to me, and of my reactions to the change. I can't allow myself to be 'done to' in this sense, but I need to see my place within this change and where I need to be. Somewhere in here it's about recognising what this moment is all about, and what I am to bring to this moment. Change can't be something that happens to me, it has to be a process that I am part of and instrumental within and as such I feel that I am being prepared for this. It's like a lesson.

There's a sense of authority here, again, not in egotistical way, but in a sense of truly standing up as a Priest of Goddess, and truly celebrating her immanence. Her qualities are within me and of me, as I am in and of her, so I move in that power, I move in that authority and I need to begin to bring this into reality here on the material plane.

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

The Power Of Relationship

In recent days I am beginning to see the dovetailing of a number of threads running through this blog, and that is that relationship stands at the centre of everything. My spiritual practice has it's centre, it's core, it's very being in relationship, and I'm talking about relationship within a number of areas.

Relationship With Self

This is where it starts: truly knowing oneself. This may begin on a psychological level, but this is not where this relationship can remain, it has to move on from here if one is to truly embrace the deep reality of spiritual practice. Knowing self in a real and dynamic way is one the most fundamental calls of many pagan paths, but this needs to move on to truly knowing the relationship within oneself. Those deep and hidden motivations, those dark areas one often shirks away from, it calls for stark and open honesty, transparency with self, but also with others and with Deity.

But this relationship also needs to move on from here, it cannot remain in what will only become a self serving and navel gazing exercise - this serves no purpose and no person. It needs to move into the complexity of the relationship between Younger, Talking and Higher Self, this deep and profound inner relationship, learning and discovering the part each aspect of self plays and providing the space, the freedom, the inner environment and the magical environment for this relationship to thrive. This is a process, but it is one that has to have a beginning and one that leads to true initiation with the manifestation of Higher Self - and this hails the beginning of a new relationship at a new and deeper level.

Relationship With Deity

Relationship with Deity is not a tokenistic thing, it is something of depth and power. It is not about what one can get from Deity, but from encounter and experience with Deity. It is about recognising the reality and power in immanence and recognising that Deity lives within, and one lives in Deity. I've touched on this in the Absorption of Self, but it is that profound lesson of losing self to discover the reality of the True Self, seeing that we are all One, part of the All, that in this respect, we are all Goddesses and Gods, as we all share the one relationship, we are all interconnected, interdependent and in living, dynamic relationship. Here we discover that the emphasis is not so much on polarity, but upon the wonder of a living, vibrant relationship.

Relationship With The Universe

Here I have begun to see the wonder in recognising ones place with the Universe, or The All. This began when I began to notice that as I called in the elements (earth, air, fire and water) that I was starting to become the very elements themselves. I will admit that I still don't fully understand this and I am trying to move deeper into awareness of this relationship, but I could see myself as fire, as water, as air and as earth in a real and dynamic way. And it moves on from here. Each star has a course. and the star moves freely in that course without hindrance. We too have a course, a place, a role, a relationship within and as part of The All, and as we move into that relationship so we too move without hindrance and in power. I don't claim to have fully grasped the full reality of this, but I am beginning to understand the significance and wonder of this fact. Moving into my own orbit. my own special and unique place. separate and self contained, yet interconnected and in perfect relationship with The All.

Relationship With Each Other

Again, we contain all we need for life, existence, fulfillment and spiritual power within, as we are each separate and unique, yet at the same time there is wonder, power and growth in coming together. We don't need each other in some kind of negative, needy way, but as we come together in true relationship with each other, there is much magic to be made. When that real and dynamic contact is made, on a profound level, there is wonder to behold, a strength that hitherto has not been experience. It's beyond communication and moves into another realm of experience altogether.

As I travel along my spiritual journey I begin to appreciate the reality of all I have said above. I don't pretend to have fully experienced it fully as yet, I know I have a very long way to go, but I do see that at the heart of everything, from my very core outwards, relationship, relationship within, without and with everything is the very heart of my journey.

Monday, 8 September 2008

Angiogram Appointment

The Bike Ride was a great success with between 75 and 80 people taking part, so that's brilliant.

I am taking my father to hospital tomorrow for his angiogram, so your thoughts, pagan prayers, rituals and intentions will be very gratefully received. It's going to be a very early start, as I have to pick him up at 06.30 tomorrow, so an early night for me!

I've lots to share, but it will need to wait until later in the week!

Time for bed!

Friday, 5 September 2008

Bower Hinton Bike Ride

A slight departure from my usual spiritual topic, but I wanted to spend a few moments telling you about the Bower Hinton Bike Ride. This is a sponsored bike (push bike) ride that I organise to raise money for the Orchid Cancer Appeal. Orchid exist to raise money to fund research into the diagnosis, treatment and prevention of male cancer. They also promote awareness of these diseases.

So what we're talking about is testicular and prostate cancer. Men aren't good when it comes to talking about these things, but it is something that we need to get better at. We need to learn a lesson from women here. Women have learned the importance of self examination in terms of noticing subtle changes in their breasts. They also talk about these things with each other. Men don't do this! We are rubbish when it comes to checking our balls and we certainly don't discuss this with each other. In a very real way here, silence can equal death. When picked up early, 98% of men make a full recovery from testicular cancer, so this shows just how important it is to check yourselves out!

As people get wise to the effects of smoking, and the cases of lung cancer begin to slowly diminish, prostate cancer is becoming the most serious issue in men.

The Bower Hinton Bike Ride works to raise money and also, and equally importantly, to raise awareness of these previously neglected diseases.

It takes so much work getting this even off the ground and running smoothly. Too much work, really! Organisation, planning, getting people to take part, publicity, health and safety stuff, insurance, you name it, I've been doing it. I'm not complaining, as it's my choice to do this, but I have noticed the impact upon time more so this year. At this point, with the ride happening on Sunday, it's reached its peak and I have no time to myself at all. The fact that it has impinged on other areas of my life has bothered me this year and it's something I need to sort out in my head. The house is full of bike ride materials!

So please do think of me on Sunday! We need fine weather for a start! We don't need sun and heat, we just need it to be dry from about 1000 - 1300! Please think about us and all the cyclists if you have a moment.

I'm sure normal service will be resumed on this blog from Monday onwards!

Thursday, 4 September 2008

On The Radio

I had a brief interview slot on BBC Radio Somerset today, to promote the Bower Hinton Bike Ride. Imagine my surprise when the interview didn't really touch on the bike ride in any depth, but rather discussed my spiritual path. I was both amazed and thrilled! I was aware that people listening may well be experiencing a sense of spiritual hunger, so I was wanting to connect with anyone who would perhaps describe themselves as a 'seeker' and somehow point them in the right direction. Encouraging people to get out and walk the land and connect with Nature in the now, in the moment, seemed the best and most appropriate way. I was really pleased that I was invited to enlarge on this, and was able to talk about connecting with The All. It was both a surprise and a joy.

I'm not used to this kind of thing, and I know I could have done better, but if you want to listen to my brief conversation, BBC Radio Somerset do a Listen Again feature. I don't know how long this link will be active, but if you're quick and click on the 'Morning Jo' link below, and then forward to roughly 2.40 you will hear me come on just after The Bangles!

Hope you enjoy it!

Mornng Jo

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

The Absorption Of Self

". . . the absorption of Self in the Beloved"

I came across this phrase today and it blew me away. It was so timely, following on, as it does, from my post of Monday September 1. As I read these words, they leapt from the page and burned themselves on my heart and in my spirit. This, above all else, is the single goal and single intent of my path. I seek to know the Beloved, just as I am fully known.

As I read these words, so much became clear to me, in a fraction of a moment. As I have said here before, the goal, the aim of my personal spiritual journey has been to know and experience what I have called the 'ecstatic embrace of the Divine' and here, in the words above, I see the path to this experience. As the layers of attachment to self identity are peeled away so I melt into the heart of the Beloved, into the core of the One Divine Life, and thus I know and enjoy that ecstatic embrace.

The attachment to self identity is a hugely powerful thing. Most of our lives are spent trying to 'make our mark' and this is usually by assuming roles of many kinds such as work roles, relationship roles, family roles, societal roles, and the like. We make our impression, assume our role, moreover, we assume the role we feel that we are expected, or intended, to play. We affirm the expectations of others, of society, of life. We play our part, do our bit. As we repeat these patterns, year after year, we come to believe that this is who we really are and as such, when for whatever reason those roles are removed, we are lost, bereft and directionless. We have simply become a player in a game.

Everyday life can cause us to absorb so much falsehood about ourselves. Our self concept becomes distorted and dysfunctional, blinkered, one dimensional and ineffectual. We cease to truly be.

The other day, in personal and private ritual, as I called in the elements, I was aware that I wasn't simply calling them in behind me, but I was becoming the very elements themselves. I was fire, I was water, and so on and so forth. I literally became the elements and it was amazing. This was such a confirmation to me that the words I have been writing here have been of spirit, as a theme throughout my writings of late has been one of interconnectedness.

I firmly believe that we are all stars, we are individual and unique, yet at the same time, we are interconnected and this is a connection with The All. So, although I stand alone as uniquely me, I stand connected with all my brothers and sisters on the Web. Here we are united, here we are together, here we are One. And it is One with All Things.

So, just as I became the elements because I am one with, part of and as the elements, so it is with Goddess and God. They are of me, and I am of them and we are one. I am part of and I am as Source. One. Oneness. At One.

So here is the absorption of self in the Beloved. I fall into the Beloved because I am of and one with the Beloved. I lose myself to find myself, in losing my self identity I find who and what I truly am, one with the One Divine Life. I create, because I Am.

This all makes such perfect sense, but at the same time it's blowing me away!

I want to move from theory to practice, to experience. There is a real and genuine hunger within me to move on to new heights, new places, new experiences. Stuff is shifting and happening around me, and I'm both excited, and scared!

Monday, 1 September 2008

The Fires Of Transformation

I've spoken many times on my blog about my path being a path of transformation. What do I mean by that? Simply, that as I get closer to Source, so I begin to see who and what I truly am. It's like the real me slowly, very slowly, comes into focus. I've described it as Goddess holding a mirror to my face, showing me my true reflection, or as layers of an onion being continually peeled until I reach my true centre, or as the false labels, habits, behavioural and thinking patterns falling away, one at a time. It's like Air blowing away the debris, Fire creating inner alchemy, Water revealing true and authentic emotion and Earth showing me my true roots. It's a continual, powerful process. I've talked of embracing my own inner relationship between Younger, Talking and Higher Self and how this spiritual relationship realises true results. This process has been continuing for me, and this was emphasised at my New Moon ritual on Saturday.

So much is starting to come into my consciousness, I'm becoming aware of so many things that at times it's hard to process. Odd as it may sound, there's so much happening that it almost feels as though nothing is happening, because sometimes it feels as though life stands still. Or rather, it's like I stand still in the middle of life and it's happening around about me, yet within, deeper, calmer more profound things are at work.

What has been hitting me hard, and I mean hard, is this sense, this growing awareness, that I am one with Source, one with the Divine Life. That's a really scary thing for an ex-Christian to say! I do not claim to fully comprehend this, nor do I fully understand it. I am certainly not able to articulate it, but the truth of this is beginning to hit home. As I sit and meditate I am increasing aware of my attention and awareness shifting from seeing myself as 'me' with a little 'm' to Me, part of Source, at one with the Divine Life, I am becoming increasingly aware of my Higher Self, my Greater Self. This sounds so puffed up, and I don't mean it like that at all, as I am claiming nothing other than a sense of truly beginning to become aware of who I am before name and form, before the lies of false attributes were believed. I am returning to myself in a real sense. I am conscious that again I stand at the beginning of another part of the journey. I claim nothing other than being in the starting blocks, once again, about to set off. I'm on the track, but unsure of the destination. It's scary at times.

I know that my connection to my self identity is strong. Hell, I've fought long and hard, what feels like all my life in this incarnation, for the right to be who and what I am. I have struggled, fought, campaigned and lost everything for the right to be seen as a complete individual. Proud to be me, proud to be gay, proud to be free. Now, as I move forward in Spirit, I feel the challenge of seeing this as an illusion, just as all adherence to things, even self, that is filled with self importance and false attachment. It's a powerful challenge, as the ego, this external self, tends to shout, scream and cry for attention. I also struggle because I need to be sure that I am hearing the call correctly, because at times it resonates too powerfully with old Christian teaching. However, as much as I struggle, I know, somewhere within, that the call I hear is true, it is real, and it is not about losing self, it's not about 'dying to self', it's about finding my True Self. I've talked a lot in the past about 'little deaths' and this feels like a logical part of that continual process.

This is a breaking free of all illusion and attachment that has informed my perceived self identity. Labels, interactions, perceptions, dreams, aspirations, ego patterns, demands upon others, expectations. I am suddenly seeing what I think Crowley must have meant when he spoke of being free from 'purpose.' Sometimes I think I think understand, that I might actually have 'got it' and then as soon as I do, it's like I lose the grip once again and it falls, through my fingers, from my hands. May be one never 'gets it' one just keeps walking in the right direction.

This New Moon felt very much like a time of seeing my identification with self beginning to dissolve as I move into a new awareness of my Greater Self. A new process has started. I can claim nothing magnificent, just a deep, a truly deep sense of having moved into a new space. It feels like only a simply forward step, but it also feels very new.

This feels like an ever moving cycle of losing self and finding Self, and as I start to see myself losing my focus on the self I thought I was and believed I was my eyes are opening to my True Self and not only my connection to Source, but the truth that I am of Source, part of the One Divine Life, truly One with The All. Part of me wants to add 'whatever that means' because in truth I don't fully understand or appreciate the enormity of what I am writing, I just know that there is truth here, there is reality here, there is power here and it is here that I will experience the ecstatic embrace of the Divine - " we are all stars".

This sounds so muddled and confused, and in a way it feels like that, but it also feels perfectly clear. In getting closer to Source, the One Divine Life, I am discovering my True Self, and I am that I am, part of The All. Not an observer, not a spectator, not sitting there in awe and wonder, but actually part of it all, one with it all, intrinsically connected, interconnected - at One.

I'm excited, scared, clear, confused, happy, all at the same time!

I'm sure there will be more to follow this, if you can cope with me!