Sunday, 31 August 2008

Turning 45!

Loads to say, especially after a lovely Full Moon Ceremony on Saturday evening, but no time to type it all up this evening, on account of today being my birthday! I've turned 45 today (gulp)! Loads to say about that as well, but it will have to wait!

I will write more tomorrow on these and other things that are happening for me right now.

Thanks for all the comments on the 'materialism' post, lots of comments that I really value. I will respond to them tomorrow as well.

Thursday, 28 August 2008

Holding Things Lightly

My morning meditations have been taking through the issue of materialism this week, through the turning of two tarot cards that warn of this. Taking the message contained within these cards as a starting place for meditation, I have come to see a number of things.

I have felt the challenge of what I actually value, and where I place my personal values. What is it that is of actual worth to me, and why are these things of worth? Where do I place my confidence and trust? Is it in what I do? What I own? Or is it in my intrinsic self and my relationship with Spirit?

The material isn't wrong. I live in this world, in this incarnation, and I am here for a reason. This world, this life, is here to be celebrated and enjoyed. However, just as I walk lightly on the earth, in honour of the Earth Mother, do I also hold material things lightly, or is ownership and the act of possession more important to me?

The material has the potential to block my relationship with Me, and also with Them. It can be one of those guy-ropes that stop the balloon from journeying into free flight. Materialism becomes a problem from the value and worth that I place in things - do I appreciate things, places and even people for who and what they are and their unique and special contribution that they themselves bring, or for what I can personally get from them? Is the value about them, or is it about how I can personally benefit?

This has sent me on a journey of searching my heart, understanding what it is I seek, and why I want it. It's been a journey of moving away from personal ownership and control to an appreciation, a sense of valuing each thing and each person that is important in my life. It's a recognition of the value and worth in everything simply because they are - not for what they offer. It's not about how I benefit from each thing and person, rather it's about the spirit, the gifts, the unique contribution each person and thing brings. It's about celebrating them, not what I receive.

This releases the trap of rivalry, of comparison and jealously and manipulation. It brings value and worth to all, and celebrates the life force in everything. It exposes the danger of attachment and neediness that often results from buying into that which is simply illusion. It nourishes and edifies spirit whilst moving away from the celebration of ego.

Again, another process rather than an event, but following the things that I have been shown this week, I truly am looking at people, things and places in a new way and in a new light.

Sunday, 24 August 2008

Standing Tall

It may seem funny that at 6’4.5” tall the Lord and Lady saw fit today to remind me to stand tall, but this was the case for me today.

Having a significant part of the day to myself, I took myself off to my beloved Glastonbury for a walking meditation. The meditative part of this was severally challenged by the fact that it is still half term. I had momentarily forgotten this but was soon reminded as it seemed that every parent in the south west with a screaming child had decided to take them to Glastonbury! But never mind as I still enjoyed moments of connection.

Sat on the Tor at 0900 this morning was beautiful. Yes, there were many more people there than is usual at this time, and it was noisy, but I was still able to enter into a (albeit brief) meditation. Sat there on the Tor I was so conscious of my place in The All. I use this phrase a lot, I know, but it is something that has come to mean so much to me. As I became aware of my place in The All, the first part of the message ‘Stand Tall’ began to hit home to me. I do not have to bow and scrape before Deity, because I am part of Deity just as Deity is part of me. My connection with The All isn’t something of a academic treatise, it is something of reality, of truth, of value and of power. The wind on my face is an aspect of Goddess, but it is also an aspect of me. Whilst I don’t want to suggest that in this I lose my identity, I had a sense of the boundaries of me blurring and merging with the boundaries of everything else. All connected. Interconnected, interdependent. It’s all about relationship; part of The All, one with All Things, yet uniquely separate. I can’t explain that conundrum at the moment, but in that second, in that brief moment on the Tor this morning, it made sense to me.

So much in life can cause us to walk with our head bowed, to feel that we are ‘less than’. This has been my experience for part of my life and, whilst in my head I may know that this is not true, sometimes that message doesn’t always make it to my heart. Or if it does, somehow my heart and soul need to be reminded at times! Today was one of those days.

I don’t want to write at length about the experiences that may have caused me to feel ‘less than’ as the very last thing I want to do is to create the impression that I am looking for sympathy or that I have my head so firmly stuck in my naval that I can’t see daylight. However, suffice to say that being thrown out of ones home and town, simply for being gay, being thrown out of the Christian church (which, although I am no longer Christian, was a huge and very influential part of my upbringing) for being ‘outed’ as gay, acquiring a disability that although not obvious, made me feel something of a failure, being told by teachers that I would never amount to anything, being bullied etc, etc. I mention these things only to illustrate a point, not to give the impression that I am on a ‘poor me’ trip. These things, which one can walk away from and overcome, can still haunt in the quiet moments, can still cause one to bow ones head, to feel ‘less than’ or ‘not part of’ and this was the message of my time on the Tor; a reminder, but a message nonetheless.

As I saw myself as part of The All, my sense of personal, magickal power was immense. I felt huge! Does that sound weird? I felt so big, as big as the heavens and earth and it felt like nothing was an obstacle. It was a momentary feeling, unfortunately (or perhaps if it continued I would explode) but it was there, I could have leapt from the Tor, convinced that I would land safely, such was the feeling. I just knew that I was part of Everything and that I had no need to excuse, justify, apologise or reason, I just simply had to be. Being me was enough because being Me is Everything. As I am, here and now, in the here and now, for this moment in time and at this moment in time is where and who and what I was intended to be – so it’s a cause for celebration, not depression!

I saw the Fire within me burning as I took a walk around Chalice Well in the biggest downpour of the day! I was soaked, but could have danced around the gardens! I was reminded of a time, a long time ago, when someone said that as they looked at me they saw me as a pillar of fire. That came back to me today, as I have been working with fire. I stood by the Yew Trees in the garden seeing myself as fire and as I did so (this is going to sound so crazy) I felt like a hot air balloon, wanting to fly, pulling and straining to each the highest height, yet held to the ground by loads of guy-ropes. These guy-ropes represented many things, some I describe above, but many of them having the power (if I invest that power in them) to cause me to feel inferior. As I became this pillar of fire, so the ropes began to snap and I was released to continue this journey. I saw that I don’t have to plead and supplicate Deity to release me, because as I stand tall, in my personal magickal power, I release myself. I am given the tools to set myself free.

What is important about this is that it comes from power within, not from human effort. The key, as it has been shown to me, is not to strive or struggle in ones physical, mental, emotional or psychological strength, but to relax into who you were intended to be, before name and form, and just let this happen. I don’t know if that makes any sense at all, but to me it seems and feels so right! Freedom, true spiritual liberation, comes not from human effort, not from obeying rules, not from sticking to dogma (of any kind or nature), not from some kind of inner neurosis, not from subjugation to any kind of hierarchal leadership, but simply from walking into the truth of You.

I know that not all those guy-ropes have been burned away, but I know they can be, as I continue this personal journey to myself. What’s key is that I know the fire to burn them away is mine, the tool has been handed to me. I just have to use it!

Friday, 22 August 2008

Well, I Wasn't Expecting That!

I was really touched today to find that my blog had been nominated by two fellow bloggers to win an award!

A really big thank you, and an even bigger hug to both The Green Witch and to Hen for both considering this little site of somewhat incomprehensible rambling worthy of such an honour - I really am touched by your kindness, thank you very much.

I set this blog up simply to record my thoughts, feelings and experiences along my spiritual journey and am both amazed and thrilled that other people are now stopping by to read and share my journey with me. It really means a lot. It especially means a lot as recently life events, both planned and otherwise, have kept me away from regular blogging - so thank you for sticking with me through a rather sparse period. I intend to return to my more regular posts in the very near future.

In accepting this award (I fear I'm about to do a Gwyneth Paltrow!!) I agree to post the following rules:

The Rules for those receiving an award are:-

1. The winner can put the logo on their blog
2. Link the person you received the award from
3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs
4. Put links of those blogs on yours
5. Leave a message on the blogs nominated

In anything like this, there are always people one has to leave out, and that pains me. All the blogs I list on my blogroll are more than worthy of a mention, and I wouldn't list them there if they didn't mean something to me. They are there because I value them, the people that write them, and the gems each of them contain. But, I can only nominate 7. In making my nominations I have tried, where possible, to avoid blogs that others have nominated, in an effort to 'share the love' so please don't be upset if I've not nominated you!

So, here, in no particular order, are my 7 nominations:

1. Evoking The Goddess. I love Paul's blog, and I love it for one simple reason: this man clearly loves the Goddess. Paul's blog carries such a passion and love for the Lady that I am inspired each time I read it. I just wish he would post more often! Thank you Paul.

2. Moonroot. I love this blog because I find it inspirational yet rooted and grounded in reality. I love the vibrant energy of this blog, it really seems to carry a real excitement and I find that energising and empowering.

3. Shamrock Witch. I love the way that this blog brings such beautiful pictures of the natural world. I always reminded my connection with and to all things when I visit this blog and what I really enjoy is that the pictures are taken out of love and wonder and this is conveyed so powerfully through this blog. It's a joy to visit.

4. The Sacred Space. This blog has the desire to connect with the Divine as it's centre and this is simply why I love it - it's a blog with a heart.

5. Starweavers Corner. I've been inspired to study and read further by this blog many times, it's a blog that feeds and inspires my curiosity and need to grow, but in a grounded and real way.

6. The Green Witch. Yes, this site has already won an award, but I have to nominate this blog as I am constantly amazed at the energy of TGW! She seems to comment on every blog in the pagan world, and this encouragement and support is something I value dearly. A constant inspiration!

7. Tea, Sympathy and Perfume. Mary's blog is one of such variety, I just love it! I love the poems and other art contained here as they awaken my deeper conscious in very real ways. This blog is written from a genuine heart and a genuine spirit, and this is evident in the writings here.

Please visit these very special places on the web - and all of those I have listed in my Blogroll, as each of them are very special indeed.

Tuesday, 19 August 2008


Today is the first day in a week that I have actually felt something like a human being! I think I must have had something more than a summer cold, as it was awful! My joints and eye sockets ached, I couldn't stop coughing and sneezing - yuck! Awful! Anyway, enough about that, that's not why I'm here and it's not the reason for this blog! I hope I can get back on course!

This week out has provided me with some time for reflection. I've not been off work or anything, but I have had more 'down time' than usual, and this has given the opportunity to at least ponder the things that I felt the Lord and Lady have been saying to me in recent days. I've not been able to do much about it, but I have had the opportunity to really listen to my own inner voice.

Just prior to this bug hitting home my meditations had been leading me to explore the element of fire more deeply. This is something that has been pressing home for some time, and it keeps coming back to me.

Sulis, my patron Goddess, is Goddess of water and of fire, and whilst I find a real, powerful and real connection with water and all that means, I struggle more with the element of fire. I think it's time to confront that and explore that to a more profound level.

Fire is the element of creativity, of transformation, of inner alchemy. Change is all around me and within, it's that natural passage of life, death and rebirth and this is a constant, however, it's also a dynamic thing, a profound thing, and it's something of a journey. It's also bloody uncomfortable at times! Whilst I like to think that I'm open to change, I know that in reality I shirk from it as much as the next person. I like to feel safe, secure and want to know that tomorrow will be like today, like everyone else, but I am finding that the more I embrace my path, the more unlikely that is going to be. Change is here to stay, it's a constant reality!

In my old Christian past the call would be one of "being transformed from glory unto glory" but I don't see my change like that. It's not that I'm reaching some state of holiness or perfection, it's more like I am becoming fully human. As I celebrate my spirituality, as I explore what sometimes feels like a greater separation this with body - spirit - the more I feel able to celebrate being in this body. I don't know if that makes any sense at all!

It's like as I see myself as more clearly living in this vehicle for this incarnation, the more the wonder of this vehicle hits home. I see myself as less of a victim, even though I know my vehicle is frail and prone to fail, I embrace my own personal responsibility, emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually, the whole nine yards.

Somehow it's like seeing my spirit as a fire within, burning from the inside out, burning the lies, the dross, the false things that I have believed and accepted, both about the world and about myself, and this transforming fire is burning, changing, transmuting, transforming, empowering, envisioning and igniting inner belief and passion. This is creativity! It's like Self is being released, but not a restricted self, not an apologetic self, but an empowered self, one who embraces ones spiritual heritage and moves in the power of that.

Fire is the illumination within, it throws light on my inner world as it is the power of inner sight and from this comes wisdom, which is again another form of creativity. Here again is power in that I am able to direct the force of spirit in tune with my will and to cause this to manifest in this world. Here again is responsibility, but here again this empowerment only arrives when I am fully in tune with the All. When I am true to who I am, before name and form, when my will is as Their will because I am assuming my place on the web. Not a whim, not a fancy, not a fluffy off the shelf spell, but being who I truly am.

This speaks to me again of relationship, with the All, with my inner world. I'm pleased to be back where I belong!

Sunday, 17 August 2008

I'm Still Here!

I've had a horrible summer cold since Wednesday that has hit me really rather hard. I got through the working week okay, but at the end of each day I've just been shattered. This weekend I've done little else other than watch DVDs and lay on the sofa! I just wanted to check in and let you know that I've not vanished. Now for another early night!

Let's hope next week sees a return to normality - whatever that is!

Sunday, 10 August 2008


It’s been a while since I’ve posted on my blog, which is unusual for me, but then it’s been something of an unusual time. Today I have had time to collect my thoughts and have been on a walking meditation, first to Glastonbury Tor, and then around Chalice Well, two favourite places of mine, and I feel far more centred and at peace as a result. I think this is going to probably turn into one of my classic rambles, so if it makes no sense, I apologise. But then, it’s a blog about my own journey and I feel that I’m just coming out of a time of confusion, so perhaps if it makes no sense it’s pretty reflective of where I’ve been of late! This blog is one that charts the highs and lows of my journey, and the very last thing I want to do is pretend that I’m someone I’m not or that I’m somewhere I’m not. For me, truth, transparency and integrity are key to any spiritual journey that has it’s roots in reality.

Seeing my father in hospital was not so much a shock as something of an awakening. Seeing him sat there, next to his hospital bed, wired up to a monitor somehow jolted me into a deeper sense of the transient nature of this incarnation. Death has been close to me over the past few months, well, many months in fact, in the sense that life, death and rebirth are realities and part of the mystery of my path, however, seeing dad all wired up was like a visual aid to this reality. In very recent years I have lost too many family members, as well as a beloved pet who was my best friend, crazy as that may sound. Here, before me in Yeovil District Hospital, was another testimony to the fact that whilst everything is forever because nothing really dies, the vehicle we use for each incarnation is not. Dad’s ‘vehicle’ was in something of a protest, it was failing, it was frail, yet he was very much alive. Each ‘bleep’ of the machine showed that his heart was working, yet in a sense it worked to foster that relationship between vehicles, whereas the reality I was after was deeper than that. This reality was spirit to spirit connection - this is where I’ve been this past week or so: an overwhelming feeling of wanting to break out of the prison that this vehicle often imposes and an all encompassing desire to leap into the reality of what it actually means to be Me. I’m not sure that sounds terribly pagan, but I’m discovering that this really is the heart of my path. I’m not talking about some pseudo-spiritual naval gazing exercise that is little more than a manipulation of the emotions of the psychologically fragile, but rather a true and dynamic spiritual journey to Myself. The heart of Me.

Somehow, somewhere, there is a balance, a dynamic, powerful, vital and real balance between being alive in this vehicle, and being truly Spirit, truly Me. Somewhere there’s a coming together of the two, some kind of divine relationship, yet at the same time both are separate. Today walking up the Tor was wonderful in a very physical, earthy, grounded sense. Rain was in the air, but it wasn’t really raining, the wind was blowing in my face, even taking my breath away at times. The view was interchanging between dark clouds, mist and heavy rain on the horizon to lovely warming sunny intervals where I could see for miles. I was so aware of every human emotion and the joy and wonder of actually being in this vehicle at this moment in time – in the now. It was lovely, it was great and I felt really alive in this body and my body loved the immediate connection with all that was around me. It was like a celebration of my humanity. Grounded, Earthed, I was part of everything that I could see and touch; I was connected with and to everything, but in a very physical sense and also in a very sexual sense. It was a wonder.

At Chalice Well I stood in my favourite place, between the two Yews. I love this spot as much as the actual Wellhead, as for me it resonates such a powerful energy of the reality of balance, of standing between the worlds, and of my calling to hold this balance in so many different ways. As I stood there I could feel myself falling, and I was falling and spiralling, yet at the same time I knew I was connected to this vast web, the Web Of Life. I could see myself on this Web and knew my part and role on the Web and although it felt like I had no control, I had total control. I had such a sense of connection, of being one with and part of the All. I was nothing, yet Everything, all at the same time, so small, yet huge and vast because I am part of the All, weak, yet so ultimately powerful, because, once again, I am part of the All.

As I walked to the Wellhead my mind was rushing with all these things I do that are simply just reflections of the me that I’ve been moulded to me, and not the me that is truly the me before name and form. Even work, my job, is in so many ways a falsification of type. Even the Bower Hinton Bike Ride that is in so many ways so very important, faded into nothing as I walked to the Wellhead and became simply another guy rope that was holding me back from a real sense of personal freedom. I saw, again, a need for another round of letting go!

Back in Glastonbury town centre I met someone who in reality I only know in a very superficial way, but today we spoke on a deeper level. She asked how I was, and I thought I would answer honestly as opposed to offering the usual socially polite tripe. At one point she said “It often seems like we find ourselves in the same place, but actually each time we find ourselves in a familiar place, we’re actually there needing to go deeper” and for me that was something of a confirmation of where I have been recently. There have been times where it has felt like I’ve been treading water, or going round in circles, and at times this has even caused me to doubt the reality of my spirituality, but actually I’ve been walking a labyrinth of continual initiation, a walk into and our from the heart of Me, the heart of Goddess and God.

Sometimes it feels like a labyrinth of fire, yet fire is the element of transformation. Fire brings freedom, spiritual reality, and power, it brings real and lasting change, it is cleansing, transforming, releasing, renewing, energizing. It brings light to ones path, and it burns away the dross, the rubbish, the clutter and it leaves the finest gold. It’s the element of alchemy, and I think this is the cauldron I’ve been in, in recent weeks!

The challenge now is to move on from here and not procrastinate. A real and magickal work is taking place, and I need to move with it into a new place.

Sunday, 3 August 2008

Checking In

Thank you to everyone who has been offering pagan prayers, thoughts, intentions and healing energy for my father and family. It really does mean a lot to me and I'm touched that so many of you have taken the time to respond - thank you.

Dad was discharged from hospital on Friday evening. He's well enough to be home, but not great. They seem to be clear that he has not had a heart attack, but he seems to have times when his heart and pulse rate just rocket. He's come out with this spray that people use for angina attacks (I forget what it's called) and he has to use that up to 3 times and if that doesn't stop the heart racing he has to call an ambulance. He had to use it yesterday, but seems to have had no need for it today. He also seems to have some memory lapses, but I don't know if they're connected or not.

I just hope that an appointment for the angiogram comes through sooner rather than later, then he, and all of us, can be clear on what's happening and on the way ahead. The stress of having to wait does seem to be having an affect on him, which of course it is bound to have.

I'm okay. I am worried, obviously, and at times all kinds of emotions seem to come to the surface. I would love to say that I'm in a deeply spiritual place over all this, but that would be untrue. I'm hanging in there, and I am aware of being held, but at the same time I am finding it difficult to apply my mind fully to any kind of spiritual practice beyond silent prayer at the moment.

I had a moment of working meditation whilst ironing my shirts for the week this evening! I was aware of being held and of my connection. This sense of my place in and with The All often comes over me when I step into meditation, and this evening was no exception. I was able to send love and healing from this place for a few moments. That was special.

Thanks again to everyone.