Labyrinth of Initiation

With the energy of Samhain increasingly evident, my attention is being drawn to the reality of initiation. I’ve mentioned initiation a number of times in recent blog entries, and this is because I have been led to see the depth of initiation and also the cycle, or perhaps more correctly, the spiral of initiation. In recent days I have come to see that this is in fact a labyrinth, and in fact the initiate travels this labyrinth throughout their journey, spiralling in and out, travelling back into the centre, that place of death and rebirth, and then spiralling out once again, at a new level, at a new depth, in a new place and with a new energy, before returning once again, for a new encounter with death and rebirth. Initiation is a process, and one that is not trivial, but rather is hugely profound.

My tarot spread this week has been really very pertinent to all that has been happening with me of late and this week has seen my eyes being opened to a great deal of powerful things.

The theme this week has been very much about initiation, and a challenge from the gods to really assess and evaluate my own motives in light of what I seek. Is it about me? What I can gain? My own self projection, or is it about my own transformation through the laying down of self in order to achieve the manifestation of Higher Self? This involves travelling into the heart of the labyrinth, of daring to approach Cerridwen’s cauldron, of truly experiencing death in order to be reborn into a new place of experience and existence. There’s nothing shallow about this, the challenge this week has been clear – am I prepared for this, is it truly what I want and am I honestly prepared to bring those final bastions of resistance down to secure my hearts desire?

Initiation isn’t something that’s conferred by ceremony. Although ceremony of some kind may mark this rite of passage, it isn’t the ceremony that brings the initiation; it’s the intention of the heart of the Seeker. Motives, integrity, transparency, and openness before ones gods are key. Being honest with oneself, and with ones gods.

The journey of the labyrinth isn’t easy, because as one spirals in, so one spirals into death. At the centre of the labyrinth resides Cerridwen’s cauldron, and this is the cauldron of transformation, knowledge and rebirth, but before rebirth and knowledge can be bestowed, there has to be a death. There’s no shortcut, this process cannot be avoided, and although it may happen over many stages and on many levels, happen it must. As I am walking towards the centre, I see the various things I have laid down over time, but there is more. The cauldron represents the womb of the Mother, and I am going to be expelled from this womb, born into a new place, but before this happens, I have to let go, and let go especially of the past – even of that which I think I have learned.

I say this because although two cards spoke of initiation and motives, the third card spoke of the illusion of the past, of looking back with nostalgia, but this nostalgia is false. Things of the past may look attractive and appealing, but when I reach out for them, they disappear, or they fail to satisfy, because they have little substance. They may be full of appeal, full of sparkle, full of quick fixes and many promises, but in truth, they are empty and shallow and will leave me as such. They are illusory, and I have to walk away – and vow never to return.

In the past, when I have walked the labyrinth, it has been at much shallower levels. I have walked it on the level of emotion, or on the level of desperate seeking. Now I walk it as a matter of Will. I choose to let go, I choose to abandon myself to my gods and I choose to embrace the womb of the Dark Mother in order to be reborn. I choose the path of true initiation. I choose this because I seek to be reborn, with new eyes, new vision and with new knowledge and I want to move from the emotional and psychological to the arena of spirituality. I want the Inner Light of my Higher Self to radiate from my eyes and spirit to flow from this chosen vehicle.

I choose to move to a new level and to a new state of consciousness. The past has been a preparation, and a valuable one, but however appealing and however seemingly attractive, if I am to grow, then I have to move on. This may be painful in places, but it is a test of how serious I am and a demonstration of my level of commitment. This is a breaking of old patterns, a letting go, even of people and places, and a goodbye to old systems of support. This is about reality.

It’s a tough call and I have to ask myself if I am truly ready.

I am called to open myself to the Fires of Sulis and abandon myself to Cerridwen’s cauldron. A sacrifice of control.

As I prepare for Samhain, so I continue to walk the labyrinth of initiation, ever closer to the womb of the Dark Mother, shedding all that stands in my way, until I too am in the cauldron, dead, transformed and reborn, not on a superficial level, but truly reborn, with a new name and new vision, ready for the next phase of my journey.

Western Esoteric Tradition

My spiritual development of recent weeks has led me back to the Western Esoteric Tradition, and I find this keeps happening. It’s interesting, because although I feel led here, in a very strong way, I still struggle with certain aspects of it, such as the heavy Christian leaning. I think that this may perhaps have more to do with my lack of understanding at this present time, as opposed to anything about the Western Esoteric Tradition itself. Having a fundamental Christian background, it’s almost guaranteed that I would struggle when I see biblical quotes popping up in the books I’ve been reading by Dion Fortune and W.E. Butler recently.

However, all that to one side for the moment, I have to say that when I am reading the books that talk of the Western Esoteric Tradition, the quickening I feel in my spirit is incredible. I feel it rising up in my solar plexus and at times it is all I can do to contain it. It’s more than a feeling of excitement, although I definitely feel excited, it’s more like a spiral of energy pulsating from within me, working its way outward. It’s a tangible feeling and one that seems to not only come from within me, but also surrounds me. That sounds so fluffy it’s almost laughable, but I can’t deny the reality of the sensation. It’s like something of a homecoming and I have a genuine sense that at last I have found a tradition that I can finally hang all the things that make sense to me upon. This is not to say that I understand it all, necessarily, I am acutely aware that the vast majority of all this is very new to me indeed, but at the same time, the little that I have read and meditated upon is starting to make sense to me. There is a real and genuine resonance and it’s something that isn’t leaving me, it’s not a passing thing, there is something real here and it’s very clear to me that my future explorations, however tentative they may be, need to be in this direction.

I’ve gone mad today and purchased a number of books by Dion Fortune. It’s no accident that I have just joined a reading group who are exploring the works of this amazing woman and I am so excited to be part of this group. I have such a sense that we are on the periphery of such a time of discovery and I know that things are going to open up for me from here-on-in. It’s like the months leading up to today have been a time of preparation, a real tilling of the soil. What it leads to, obviously, is yet more preparation for the next stage! I am not claiming any kind of revelation as such, just a real and powerful sense of ‘this is it!’ this is where I need to be for the next part of my present incarnation. My intellectual and spiritual teaching will come via the books of Dion Fortune through the reading group and will inform my spiritual practice in the months ahead. I also see the New Moon Ceremonies that I run as a place where some group ritual work will begin to implement the things that I learn. It’s all coming together in a very real and exciting way, but I am also terrified!

Is ‘terrified’ the right word? Probably not, that’s probably too strong a word. I think I mean apprehensive, and I mean this because I know that I am about to venture into a new phase of my journey. I have a real sense of stepping out of the old and into the new, and I will use Samhain to ritualise this. I don’t fully know or understand where I am going, I never seem to know that, but I do have such a sense of this being the right step for me. I feel that I am about to launch into a new seat of learning and I am being led by Spirit. I also know that this is going to lead to a real time of personal challenge as I lay down aspects of personality that need to come under the subjection of Higher Self. This won’t be easy, but I know it needs to happen.

My Higher Self is starting to expand within me. It’s like I’ve created just enough room, brought down just enough pillars, cleared enough personal debris, for my Higher Self, that immortal spirit of man, to begin to radiate within me. I’m not being egotistical here, I’m claiming nothing huge, I am more than aware that I am still, very much, fallible man, but I am aware of things shifting and moving and changing. I am changing. I actually don’t feel the same. I’m stronger, I’m clearer, I’m more in tune with myself and with Source and I have a sense of destiny about me. It all sounds very grand, but it’s true, and if all this sounds like a load of tosh to you, to me it sounds and feels very real indeed.

The Death card that has been following me around over recent months is also coming back to my mind and focus. I think there is an ending here, but one that is signalling a new beginning. Dion calls very clearly for sacrifice, leading to death and new birth. She talks about sacrificing our preoccupation with our human senses, and through this to allow the Higher Self to manifest. “An appreciable clearance has to be made” she says, and I can attest to this. I also don’t think I’m anywhere near that ‘appreciable clearance’ as yet! I think all I’ve managed to do is just about clear out a very dusty corner, but it’s enough for my Higher Self to just about begin to radiate. I feel it, and I feel and sense it in my own meditations and ritual activity to know that things are genuinely shifting for me. It’s also starting to be reflected back from those I work with in ritual, and for that I am terrible excited.

When I was interviewed on the radio recently the interviewer said “your job and your spiritual path seem to be at odds with each other.” This threw me, momentarily, because it’s also something that has been on my mind a great deal. Managing people, services, budgets and the future, especially for the Local Authority, isn’t easy and there are times when I feel a genuine inner conflict and that’s not comfortable for me. I want to move away from this falsification of self. What I want and what I am seeking now is a way of bringing into my daily life, in a greater way, a more transparent way, a way that causes people to encounter Source when they encounter me. It’s a goal, a long term goal at that, but I once read about someone who aimed at nothing, and guess what? They hit it! I’d rather aim at something lofty and at least get half way there!

The Road to Samhain

Today I took myself out on a walking meditation. I have a few days leave from work, and I’ve been determined to put them to good use. No prizes for guessing where I went – yes, as I thought, you’ve guessed it - Glastonbury Tor and Chalice Well! I just love these places and I have such a genuine connection with them. I am so aware of how blessed I am to have such amazing places close by, but then I guess we all have our ‘special places’ and our connections to sacred sites. I also know that our mere presence, as a Magickal Being, makes any place sacred, as we connect to the Spirits of Place and work with them. And, over the years, such as with Glastonbury Tor and Chalice Well, these places become imbued with this energy. The words we speak, from the intentions that we make, have the power to create, or destroy, build up, or break down.

I also intend to visit Stanton Drew and Avebury during the oncoming days.

I have been aware of Samhain calling in recent days. Energy is shifting, and this has been reflected in a number of blogs that I regularly visit. As energy shifts, so my inner work shifts, and I have become increasingly aware that Samhain is just around the corner. Samhain is one of my most favourite festivals. The energy and power of this season drives right into the very core of me and both thrills and terrifies me, simultaneously. I think it needs to do both, and as such I never become complacent but rather see this time of death and rebirth as hugely significant as I step into a new spiritual and magickal year. It also makes this time real, and not superficial, on any level. It can be an incredibly painful time, as one lets go things that no longer serve, and then one reaches out to embrace the new. It’s not just about an acknowledgement of the season, but a real, genuine, and total connection with the season of death, and then rebirth. This is the time of transformation and transformation is central to my path. As I get closer to Source, the One Divine Life, how can I not be transformed?

As I reached the top of Glastonbury Tor, I was calling to Gwyn Ap Nudd, who I relate to as the king of the Underworld. He is the God of death and rebirth, as the Underworld is where souls are prepared for their rebirth. I was seeking guidance on that which I need to release, in preparation for my Samhain ritual. Words and images were flooding my mind and soon one word stood out about all others: Restriction.

I sat, leaning against the tower, in the wonderful warmth of full sun, seeking more insight into this word, and soon it became clear. So much of my work has been that of letting go of old patterns, both of behaviour and thinking, and moving into a new place. I am amazed at how far I have travelled, yet I still restrict myself, and this was key – the message for me was to let go of the limitations I place upon myself. It’s time to see how I limit me, mainly in my thinking, but also in my interactions with others.

Together with this were the limitations I place upon my progression upon my own path. Sometimes these limitations are borne of fear that stems from my Christian upbringing. It’s over 20 years since I broke free from the yoke of Christianity, yet still the echoes remain, quieter, much fainter than before, but at times they are still there. They are but whispers, just whispers, but whispers that at times hold me in check, stop me moving forward, because I doubt and fear and I feel that this doubt and fear often has its origin in a belief that I am not worthy. These things need to go as I want to move forward and I need to release the lies of the past as I move into the truth of Now.

There is no glass ceiling, nothing has been imposed, any restriction is there because I alone place it there. As my trust and belief in myself increases, so I need to step into my own personal responsibility and integrity. I am in charge of me. My words both create and destroy. As I embrace my own True Will I am my own light and I am my own master and therefore the bars of this self imposed prison can be torn apart – and this is my intention for this Samhain.

As I walked to Chalice Well I sat at the Wellhead and spoke with Sulis, my patron Goddess. She is the Goddess of the hot, healing springs of Bath, Goddess of blessing and of curse, Goddess of fire and water. As I listened to Her promptings I was increasingly aware that I have embraced her Water aspect – my intuition is well developed, I am aware of my own emotions, I own them, and disown those that are not of me, and my inner relationship is finely tuned. These things can always develop further, however I need to embrace her Fire and bring this further into the centre of my being. I need to allow her Fire to rise within me, that fire of passion, of alchemy, of transformation, of purification. This is the Fire that burns the dross and leaves the gem – the Fire of Inner Light. This is a clear call and a clear challenge.

Linked with this is the ability to receive. When I doubt my worth it is difficult to receive anything. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no wilting wallflower, but there are times when it’s difficult to receive because I don’t feel good enough, and I know where this has its root – firmly seated in the past indoctrination of Christian teaching.

So my Samhain ritual begins to take form. A relinquishing of the limitations and restrictions I place upon myself, a letting go of self doubt and limiting self belief, walking away from old concepts of me. And then a stepping into the truth of who I am – a Magickal Being, and a genuine stepping into the element of Fire, embracing the Fires of Sulis and seeing them rise and take hold within me. This will be a ritual that is designed to cement a process that is already at work within me and that will result in a deepening of this work through the art of causing changes in consciousness at will.

So mote it be!