Labyrinth of Initiation

With the energy of Samhain increasingly evident, my attention is being drawn to the reality of initiation. I’ve mentioned initiation a number of times in recent blog entries, and this is because I have been led to see the depth of initiation and also the cycle, or perhaps more correctly, the spiral of initiation. In recent days I have come to see that this is in fact a labyrinth, and in fact the initiate travels this labyrinth throughout their journey, spiralling in and out, travelling back into the centre, that place of death and rebirth, and then spiralling out once again, at a new level, at a new depth, in a new place and with a new energy, before returning once again, for a new encounter with death and rebirth. Initiation is a process, and one that is not trivial, but rather is hugely profound.

My tarot spread this week has been really very pertinent to all that has been happening with me of late and this week has seen my eyes being opened to a great deal of powerful things.

The theme this week has been very much about initiation, and a challenge from the gods to really assess and evaluate my own motives in light of what I seek. Is it about me? What I can gain? My own self projection, or is it about my own transformation through the laying down of self in order to achieve the manifestation of Higher Self? This involves travelling into the heart of the labyrinth, of daring to approach Cerridwen’s cauldron, of truly experiencing death in order to be reborn into a new place of experience and existence. There’s nothing shallow about this, the challenge this week has been clear – am I prepared for this, is it truly what I want and am I honestly prepared to bring those final bastions of resistance down to secure my hearts desire?

Initiation isn’t something that’s conferred by ceremony. Although ceremony of some kind may mark this rite of passage, it isn’t the ceremony that brings the initiation; it’s the intention of the heart of the Seeker. Motives, integrity, transparency, and openness before ones gods are key. Being honest with oneself, and with ones gods.

The journey of the labyrinth isn’t easy, because as one spirals in, so one spirals into death. At the centre of the labyrinth resides Cerridwen’s cauldron, and this is the cauldron of transformation, knowledge and rebirth, but before rebirth and knowledge can be bestowed, there has to be a death. There’s no shortcut, this process cannot be avoided, and although it may happen over many stages and on many levels, happen it must. As I am walking towards the centre, I see the various things I have laid down over time, but there is more. The cauldron represents the womb of the Mother, and I am going to be expelled from this womb, born into a new place, but before this happens, I have to let go, and let go especially of the past – even of that which I think I have learned.

I say this because although two cards spoke of initiation and motives, the third card spoke of the illusion of the past, of looking back with nostalgia, but this nostalgia is false. Things of the past may look attractive and appealing, but when I reach out for them, they disappear, or they fail to satisfy, because they have little substance. They may be full of appeal, full of sparkle, full of quick fixes and many promises, but in truth, they are empty and shallow and will leave me as such. They are illusory, and I have to walk away – and vow never to return.

In the past, when I have walked the labyrinth, it has been at much shallower levels. I have walked it on the level of emotion, or on the level of desperate seeking. Now I walk it as a matter of Will. I choose to let go, I choose to abandon myself to my gods and I choose to embrace the womb of the Dark Mother in order to be reborn. I choose the path of true initiation. I choose this because I seek to be reborn, with new eyes, new vision and with new knowledge and I want to move from the emotional and psychological to the arena of spirituality. I want the Inner Light of my Higher Self to radiate from my eyes and spirit to flow from this chosen vehicle.

I choose to move to a new level and to a new state of consciousness. The past has been a preparation, and a valuable one, but however appealing and however seemingly attractive, if I am to grow, then I have to move on. This may be painful in places, but it is a test of how serious I am and a demonstration of my level of commitment. This is a breaking of old patterns, a letting go, even of people and places, and a goodbye to old systems of support. This is about reality.

It’s a tough call and I have to ask myself if I am truly ready.

I am called to open myself to the Fires of Sulis and abandon myself to Cerridwen’s cauldron. A sacrifice of control.

As I prepare for Samhain, so I continue to walk the labyrinth of initiation, ever closer to the womb of the Dark Mother, shedding all that stands in my way, until I too am in the cauldron, dead, transformed and reborn, not on a superficial level, but truly reborn, with a new name and new vision, ready for the next phase of my journey.

Foggy Day

Regular readers of this blog will know that Glastonbury Tor is a very special place for me. It's somewhere I visit regularly, both on my own and with a special friend called Jacquie. Why is it special? Probably because it's a 'high place,' somewhere where I find it so easy to commune with Deity. The spiritual heritage of the Tor is open to question and debate, but what is true is the fact that spiritual pilgrims have visited the place and invested their own energy here in recent times and as such the Tor radiates with a positive, healing, vibrant energy. I just love it there, it's a real spiritual home for me.

So it was that my friend Jacquie and I made a visit to the Tor this morning. We started our ascent at around 08.30, at a time when the entire area was covered in a huge thick blanket of fog. The air was damp and thick with fog and it's fair to say that as we were climbing our thoughts were pretty much "what on earth are we doing, we must be crazy!" It seemed that if there had ever been any doubt as to our sanity, climbing the Tor when it was almost impossible to see more than a few metres in front of oneself confirmed those doubts!

But when we got to the top it was like we had entered a new and different world. Truly, it was just incredible. The sun was shining down on the Tor and it was just so - hot! I had been wearing a jumper and jacket, but I threw these off because it was just so lovely and warm, it was truly glorious.



The shining sun caused a reflection of the Tor and tower to be cast upon the fog that incased us. By clicking on these pictures you can enlarge them, but you can clearly make out the Tor in reflection. I've never seen anything quite like this before, isn't it amazing?




When the fog was thick it was so easy to see how the Tor would have looked when it was an island. The fog looked just like water, it really looked as though you were looking out to sea, and it felt as though one could swim out from the hillside! As the fog began to thin in the heat of the sun, trees began to peep through the fog, giving an incredibly stunning view, just amazing. This picture captures the essence of this quite well. You can also see a House Martin in flight.


We were joined by a herd of cows, complete with Bull! The Bull seemed to want to enjoy the energy of the Tor with us, so visited by way of the Tower itself!


And this is me, testifying to the glorious sunshine on the Tor this morning! As we climbed down, we entered the thick fog once more, and it was back on with jumpers and coats for around an hour and a half before the fog totally cleared.



The analogy here is not lost on me. It's so easy to get lost in the fog when one focuses on the illusion of reality in this world. I often feel as though I don't know where to place my feet, yet as we shift our consciousness, stop relying on the limitations and distortions of our human senses, there is an entirely different experience to be had. We can enter a new and different realm. It may be a hard and difficult journey to get there, we have to bring down so many false towers that we have believed in for some time, some that have propped us up for decades, some that we may have only recently created ourselves, but as we bring them down, we make more room for the light of our Higher Self, our God Self, to radiate and permeate within, and we enter initiation, and the next phase of our journey begins.

Okay, perhaps a trite analogy in many ways, it's somewhat obvious, I guess, but after the developments and happenings for me in recent days, today acted like something of a visual aid, a physical confirmation of what has been happening within.

A blessed New Moon tomorrow, everyone.

The Absorption Of Self

". . . the absorption of Self in the Beloved"

I came across this phrase today and it blew me away. It was so timely, following on, as it does, from my post of Monday September 1. As I read these words, they leapt from the page and burned themselves on my heart and in my spirit. This, above all else, is the single goal and single intent of my path. I seek to know the Beloved, just as I am fully known.

As I read these words, so much became clear to me, in a fraction of a moment. As I have said here before, the goal, the aim of my personal spiritual journey has been to know and experience what I have called the 'ecstatic embrace of the Divine' and here, in the words above, I see the path to this experience. As the layers of attachment to self identity are peeled away so I melt into the heart of the Beloved, into the core of the One Divine Life, and thus I know and enjoy that ecstatic embrace.

The attachment to self identity is a hugely powerful thing. Most of our lives are spent trying to 'make our mark' and this is usually by assuming roles of many kinds such as work roles, relationship roles, family roles, societal roles, and the like. We make our impression, assume our role, moreover, we assume the role we feel that we are expected, or intended, to play. We affirm the expectations of others, of society, of life. We play our part, do our bit. As we repeat these patterns, year after year, we come to believe that this is who we really are and as such, when for whatever reason those roles are removed, we are lost, bereft and directionless. We have simply become a player in a game.

Everyday life can cause us to absorb so much falsehood about ourselves. Our self concept becomes distorted and dysfunctional, blinkered, one dimensional and ineffectual. We cease to truly be.

The other day, in personal and private ritual, as I called in the elements, I was aware that I wasn't simply calling them in behind me, but I was becoming the very elements themselves. I was fire, I was water, and so on and so forth. I literally became the elements and it was amazing. This was such a confirmation to me that the words I have been writing here have been of spirit, as a theme throughout my writings of late has been one of interconnectedness.

I firmly believe that we are all stars, we are individual and unique, yet at the same time, we are interconnected and this is a connection with The All. So, although I stand alone as uniquely me, I stand connected with all my brothers and sisters on the Web. Here we are united, here we are together, here we are One. And it is One with All Things.

So, just as I became the elements because I am one with, part of and as the elements, so it is with Goddess and God. They are of me, and I am of them and we are one. I am part of and I am as Source. One. Oneness. At One.

So here is the absorption of self in the Beloved. I fall into the Beloved because I am of and one with the Beloved. I lose myself to find myself, in losing my self identity I find who and what I truly am, one with the One Divine Life. I create, because I Am.

This all makes such perfect sense, but at the same time it's blowing me away!

I want to move from theory to practice, to experience. There is a real and genuine hunger within me to move on to new heights, new places, new experiences. Stuff is shifting and happening around me, and I'm both excited, and scared!

The Chariot

So much has been happening over the past few days, but I've also been busy with other things, so I've not been able to get to the PC to update.

The Chariot has appeared in my tarot spread over the past two weeks, and I find its reappearance really interesting. The Chariot seems to be brining me a clear message at the moment, and it's obviously something to which I need to pay attention.

There are two horses, one black, one white and this has worked over the past two weeks to reinforce the genuine need to bring together all aspects of self and not to see either as a polar opposite, but to integrate both into that inner relationship, thereby bringing inner wholeness through relationship. Life is gestated in darkness, seeds germinate in the dark, this the place of initial growth, yet as growth commences, so they seek the light. Both are required for life.

The horses are under the control of the driver. Control is a huge issue for me, I bulk at any kind of control, be it through individuals, organisations, structure, dogma or any such thing. I have fought for many years for the right to be my own person. I think an upbringing of control through religion is the root of this detirmination, but the message of the Chariot is clear in that deep inner emotions and impulses need to come under my own control. This control isn't a forceful, suppressing or oppressive thing, but rather a control that comes from discipline and from the development of my own true will. The inner impulses of which I speak are not wrong, and their expression is not wrong, but it's about bringing my own inner world under the control of my intellect and will and channeling these natural forces into a powerful force. It's a further development of knowing myself in an intimate yet powerful way.

"The tendency of the spiritual mind is to niceness but we should be firm minded not nice minded"

goes a quote that I heard some time ago, but for the life of me can't remember the source! The Chariot reinforces this message, true spirituality isn't always about being nice to all things, it's about deep inner transformation and growth, a series of continual transitions. To stand still is to stagnate, and stagnation equals death - it isn't an option.

There's something here about personal responsibility, taking personal control, speaking ones truth and standing up to take the consequences of that, not being afraid of change, not seeing change as a threat to security, but learning to move with the ebb and flow of spiritual movement, and being intuitive and responsive enough to both hear and heed the call. As a Magickal Being I create my own reality and I set my own destiny, and there's something here about accepting personal responsibility for that, not pointing the finger, not blaming people and circumstances, but realising that I can do something about it. This is the truth and reality of standing in ones power. It's a moving from bring reactive to proactive. The myriad emotions that exist within me, my desires, passions, thoughts, feelings are there to serve, not control. My body is where I am choosing to live in this incarnation, my senses are how I experience the world in this incarnation, and that's cool, but it's also not all there is, to limit myself to such a narrow experience of life is to miss out on spiritual dynamism and reality.

Personal determination, personal discipline, personal dedication, all requirements to a productive spiritual life. The rider of the Chariot knows the destination and there's little that will alter her course. Whilst there's something here of controlling anger and aggression, there is also something about developing those vital aspects of the spiritual being - determination and a focused, steadfast mind.

This is one more stage of the letting go process. Letting go of fear, the fear of change because any change shifts the foundation, alters the perception, shifts the goalposts. This is a letting go of that which no longer serves, but also an embracing of that which does - it's a 'little death' leading to a bigger life, a period of transition, stepping ever closer to initiation, which in itself is a continual process.

There's also something here of a walking consciousness, being aware of my intra-actions as well as my interactions, clearing out the conduit to allow for ever greater communication between Younger, Talking and Higher Self.

Now I need to pull all this together - I think that's enough to be going on with!!!

Seeking Clear Air

" . . . our individual lives, and every happening of those lives, is an integral part of the cosmic whole; it shows us our individual relationship to that whole."

says Dion Fortune in the book "The Work and Training of an Initiate." She also goes on to say that it takes 3 lives of steadfast effort to find the path on initiation. The more I read of this book, the more I feel that I am more than likely on life number 1, as the more I discover, the more I realise the little that I know!

The above quote stuck me in a powerful way, as I read it, as my part in the universal plan has been something that I've been thinking about in recent days. As we look at photographs of Nature in our back gardens, I've come to see that any person can be a lover of Nature, of the beauty that surrounds us, the wonderful flowers, trees, plants and incredible views from places of natural beauty, but few of us take the next step into not only appreciating but also experiencing that we are part of Nature. Part Of The All. We are not just Nature lovers, but Nature People. We not just observers of all that is around us, but we are intrinsically connected to all that is around us - we are part of the Cosmic Whole and we have a direct relationship with the Cosmic Whole. This is what is meant by on the Web of Life. We each have our place on that web, and we each send out our own unique vibration from our place on the Web of Life. More so, that vibration is required, it's needed, as we are interconnected to everyone else on that Web, and they need the vibration that we send. This is all part of the co-dependency of life.

Life, death and rebirth are part of the natural cycle of life, and as Nature People we move beyond the casual observation of all that surrounds us and understand that as we witness the happenings without, so we experience the same within. This also takes us to understand that "as above, so below." The 'little deaths' are required in order for us to move on in what I tend to see as a continual process of initiation. We are always spiraling in or spiraling out, as initiation isn't something that we experience as a one off, or as part of a series of 3, but something that is a continual part of our spiritual development.

Dion uses a lot of Christian imagery and uses a number of direct references to biblical themes in this book (I'm only just into it, so this isn't a review as such) and I struggle with this to a degree, because of my upbringing. It's clear that she never let go, completely, of her Christian roots. She talks a lot about triumphing over 'the flesh' and the need for the serious student to surrender the 'things of the senses' in order for the Higher Self to manifest. Whilst I struggle with the Christian concept of this, it does make sense to me when I see it in relation to the laying down of the Ego. It also makes sense to me when I see it as a path of 'little deaths' as Amber K talked about in her little book 'True Magick.' There is a call to sacrifice, there is a call to dedication. If we want to know that sense of true connection to the one Divine Life, then we have to live in accord with that one Divine Life and therefore our own motives are called into question and there has to be a process of 'sieving' before we can move on as true Magickal people. Dion talks about Westerners struggling with this because we see death as an ending, as opposed to a new beginning. Death is but a sunset, she says, to be followed by a new day. The laying down of our own desires and motives is the sunset before the process of initiation when we begin to know and experience the wonder of the Higher Self manifesting and through this knowing what it truly means to be connected to the One Divine Life. It's powerful stuff!

Dion talks of this process lifting us into a place of "serener air, clear of the accumulated heap of daily pettiness that threatens to bury us". I can relate to that statement so very closely!

Dion also talks of two paths, one being what she calls the path of the mystic (and she says that this path does not teach reincarnation) and the occult path. In this she seems (and remember that I'm only part in, so I may not be clear on her thinking at this stage) to separate religion and magick. As I've said before, I'm clear that magick can operate outside of a religious framework, there's no doubt about that, but for my path, magick happens within a clear spiritual and religious practice.

There's loads to draw from here, and I think I'm only just beginning to appreciate how it all fits together!

Developing Will

So much of my spiritual journey in recent weeks and months has been about the amalgamation of light and dark, the coming together of an inner relationship, fully appreciating, respecting, loving and embracing my inner landscape and knowing that this is the foundation of my spiritual and magickal practice. It's been about establishing a true and powerful inner relationship between Younger, Talking and Higher Self.

Today I began to see and understand the next step along the path. From this understanding of my inner landscape comes an appreciation of my emotions, my feelings, my impulses. Those emotions that have their home in Younger Self. Some feelings are fully expressed, others are oppressed, or have been silenced for many years. There's no such thing, really, as an unexpressed emotion as it will come out in some way, shape or form.

As these emotions are accessed, as Andrew (YS) feels able to express them, or bring them to the attention of Talking Self, Will needs to be developed and strengthened. It's about bringing these emotions under Will. It's not wrong to express them, but such energy needs to be focused, and released in way that affects positive change, not maximum destruction! Channeling, focusing these powerful energies is a real work-out for Will. It's an incorporation of these emotions into my True Self and bringing them under appropriate and healthy control and thus as Will develops and grows so obstacles, barriers, people, all those things that block and restrict will, one by one, be removed, opening that spiritual conduit further. It's about focusing and channeling the energy where it needs to be - and where it needs to be for the most effective magickal results.

This is progress. Understanding the movement within, those inner shifts those changes, both quick and purposeful, applying wisdom, listening to the Lord and Lady and my Guides and walking the path laid out before me brings a real sense of inner harmony, of belonging, of wholeness, and a sense of preparation for future happenings.