Transitions

I'm just coming to the end of what has been a week of annual leave, it's been lovely! I had lots of plans, including sorting the allotment out among other things, but the snow arrived, in droves, and put pay to all my plans! That was a good thing really, as I had to adapt and change in light of the new circumstances and it actually forced me to rest and relax - which was probably something I needed above all else. I have so many lessons to learn about 'chilling' and 'being' and just letting go and trusting. This week I had a lesson in this first hand!

One thing I did this week was to treat myself to a framed photograph that I've been eyeing up for quite some time. It's been on display in the window of Dicketts (the stationers in Glastonbury High Street) for weeks, and I've never been able to simply walk by it, I've always been forced to stop, stare and journey with all the photograph conveys and contains. Photographs of pictures or photos never really work that well, but here it is, I hope this helps, in part, to explain why I love it so:



For me this photograph is all about change, about transition. It talks to me of moving from one phase of life to another. Perhaps from this physical plane to the heavenly realm through the death of this physical body. Perhaps the transition of initiation, with all the profound changes this brings, or perhaps through moving through another rite of passage. It's a photograph that for me captures wonder, excitement, joy and promise and it exudes trust; placing ones trust in Deity, in the Unseen. Behind is black and white, a one dimensional existence, ahead is the colour of wonder. It also calls for action, for the initiate to actually step forward, to step out in trust, to act according to ones firm belief. To me this picture is totally awe inspiring because it contains all this, and then some!

I guess this speaks powerfully to me because this is where I feel I stand at the moment. I am convinced that in some way, shape or form the calendar year of 2009 will be demanding a step of some kind from me. I don't know at this stage exactly what form this step may take, but it will be a step of transition, a step that requires me to move from one place to another, the opening of a new phase in my life, a new phase of growth, of development, of existence. This may relate to my working life or my spiritual life, I don't know, perhaps both, but movement definitely feels as like a theme for this year, whatever the nature of that change may be. Somehow I will be travelling into a new place, moving way from what may transpire to have been rather one dimensional into a multi dimensional and multi faceted experience.

My meditations and rituals for the early part of this year will, I am sure, focus around a kind of preparation for me, building upon the preparatory work that has gone before, and that has been recorded in this blog.

As well as this picture there is a place in Glastonbury that also has this kind of impact upon me. It's the area of the two great Yew trees at Chalice Well, captured perfectly and beautifully in this photograph, not taken by me, but by Morgana, of the Glastonbury Pilgrim Centre:



As I stand in this space in the gardens I am again powerfully reminded of my calling to 'stand between' as though I hold the tension between life and death, light and dark, heaven and earth. I don't know how that sounds to you, and I can see how it may sound pompous, but it really is a real and dramatic sensation and, just as I found it impossible to walk past the photograph, so I find it impossible to walk past the two great Yew trees. I've been fortunate enough to conduct ritual in this part of Chalice Well, working with this powerful energy. I consider that a great privilege.

The immediate challenge for me is to move forward in this revelation, using the energy I describe, deepening my relationship with Deity and stepping into this new phase, this next part of my calling. What I can't afford to do is simply tread water . . . this is a time of movement and change, that much is perfectly clear!

Labyrinth of Initiation

With the energy of Samhain increasingly evident, my attention is being drawn to the reality of initiation. I’ve mentioned initiation a number of times in recent blog entries, and this is because I have been led to see the depth of initiation and also the cycle, or perhaps more correctly, the spiral of initiation. In recent days I have come to see that this is in fact a labyrinth, and in fact the initiate travels this labyrinth throughout their journey, spiralling in and out, travelling back into the centre, that place of death and rebirth, and then spiralling out once again, at a new level, at a new depth, in a new place and with a new energy, before returning once again, for a new encounter with death and rebirth. Initiation is a process, and one that is not trivial, but rather is hugely profound.

My tarot spread this week has been really very pertinent to all that has been happening with me of late and this week has seen my eyes being opened to a great deal of powerful things.

The theme this week has been very much about initiation, and a challenge from the gods to really assess and evaluate my own motives in light of what I seek. Is it about me? What I can gain? My own self projection, or is it about my own transformation through the laying down of self in order to achieve the manifestation of Higher Self? This involves travelling into the heart of the labyrinth, of daring to approach Cerridwen’s cauldron, of truly experiencing death in order to be reborn into a new place of experience and existence. There’s nothing shallow about this, the challenge this week has been clear – am I prepared for this, is it truly what I want and am I honestly prepared to bring those final bastions of resistance down to secure my hearts desire?

Initiation isn’t something that’s conferred by ceremony. Although ceremony of some kind may mark this rite of passage, it isn’t the ceremony that brings the initiation; it’s the intention of the heart of the Seeker. Motives, integrity, transparency, and openness before ones gods are key. Being honest with oneself, and with ones gods.

The journey of the labyrinth isn’t easy, because as one spirals in, so one spirals into death. At the centre of the labyrinth resides Cerridwen’s cauldron, and this is the cauldron of transformation, knowledge and rebirth, but before rebirth and knowledge can be bestowed, there has to be a death. There’s no shortcut, this process cannot be avoided, and although it may happen over many stages and on many levels, happen it must. As I am walking towards the centre, I see the various things I have laid down over time, but there is more. The cauldron represents the womb of the Mother, and I am going to be expelled from this womb, born into a new place, but before this happens, I have to let go, and let go especially of the past – even of that which I think I have learned.

I say this because although two cards spoke of initiation and motives, the third card spoke of the illusion of the past, of looking back with nostalgia, but this nostalgia is false. Things of the past may look attractive and appealing, but when I reach out for them, they disappear, or they fail to satisfy, because they have little substance. They may be full of appeal, full of sparkle, full of quick fixes and many promises, but in truth, they are empty and shallow and will leave me as such. They are illusory, and I have to walk away – and vow never to return.

In the past, when I have walked the labyrinth, it has been at much shallower levels. I have walked it on the level of emotion, or on the level of desperate seeking. Now I walk it as a matter of Will. I choose to let go, I choose to abandon myself to my gods and I choose to embrace the womb of the Dark Mother in order to be reborn. I choose the path of true initiation. I choose this because I seek to be reborn, with new eyes, new vision and with new knowledge and I want to move from the emotional and psychological to the arena of spirituality. I want the Inner Light of my Higher Self to radiate from my eyes and spirit to flow from this chosen vehicle.

I choose to move to a new level and to a new state of consciousness. The past has been a preparation, and a valuable one, but however appealing and however seemingly attractive, if I am to grow, then I have to move on. This may be painful in places, but it is a test of how serious I am and a demonstration of my level of commitment. This is a breaking of old patterns, a letting go, even of people and places, and a goodbye to old systems of support. This is about reality.

It’s a tough call and I have to ask myself if I am truly ready.

I am called to open myself to the Fires of Sulis and abandon myself to Cerridwen’s cauldron. A sacrifice of control.

As I prepare for Samhain, so I continue to walk the labyrinth of initiation, ever closer to the womb of the Dark Mother, shedding all that stands in my way, until I too am in the cauldron, dead, transformed and reborn, not on a superficial level, but truly reborn, with a new name and new vision, ready for the next phase of my journey.

Initiation

. . . the work of a magician is to know and master his or her own self. The magicians task is to concentrate and manipulate the diverse forces in his or her own nature until those forces interact, disintegrate, and change to emerge reassembled and reborn. What occurs is not only a mystical experience or immediate perception of the presence of an almighty and supreme power, it is a complex rebuilding of the machinery of experience and perception itself.

I came upon this quote today which seems to encapsulate much of where I have been led in recent weeks and months. Whilst I cannot and do not consider myself to be a magician (yet!), the goal of this quote resonates deeply with me.

When I am called to 'know thyself' this really isn't a surface, self indulgent thing. It is about knowing myself in my physical body, knowing the reactions and interactions (as well as the intra-actions) of my body and senses, but it's also about something much deeper than that. It's also about knowing that I am not my body, but rather I am that which uses this body. The Spirit within me is that of the Universal Spirit - Source, that which is part of everything, in everything and is everything. This is the foundation upon which everything has been built and upon which I must also build. It's a concept which blows my mind, and in truth I don't think I've fully got my head around it as yet! However, it is something to which I am constantly being drawn, so without doubt I am being called to know and understand the profundity of this message.

The 'disintegration' part of the above quote is also interesting. This is another concept to which my mind is continually drawn. This is a process that I feel I shy away from in many ways, although I've been through it on some levels in the past. This is about another form of changing my perception - as the quote itself concludes. It's the way I see myself, my body, and consequently my ego, or talking self. It is about bringing the pillars of self down, of making that room, that space, that capacity within me that will allow the Inner Light of my Higher Self to manifest and shine from within me. I think it is a process as much as an event, but there is a personal call for me to work at a higher level on this very issue.

This leads to my rebirth, and at this time of Samhain death and rebirth are very much in the forefront of my mind. This is the rebirth of the Initiate. There is something here about really embracing Cerridwen's cauldon, of seeing myself in there, in the mix, so to speak, and being transformed as a result. Not just on a mundane day by day level, but on a true initiatory level. A letting go of the pampering and clinging to self, and an embracing of the true reality of me and what it means to be a Child of the Goddess - an Initiate.

The more I meditate upon initiation the more I see that it is not a one off event, but rather it is something like a spiral, and I spiral in and I spiral out, on this continuous cycle of initiation.

What I am after, what I am seeking is reality. I am not interested in delusion of self. I am setting my intention very clearly as this year closes and that is to open myself to Deity in a new and more profound way and to truly embrace my path and my calling. I don't fully know where this will take me and maybe I don't even fully appreciate the depth or gravity of what I am saying here, but this is the desire of my heart; to truly move into a new area of experience and depth. I seek to dance with my Gods in a close and profound way and for this to reflect itself through my own personal transformation and for this to be evident to others.

Honesty

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on my blog, which is unusual for me, but then it’s been something of an unusual time. Today I have had time to collect my thoughts and have been on a walking meditation, first to Glastonbury Tor, and then around Chalice Well, two favourite places of mine, and I feel far more centred and at peace as a result. I think this is going to probably turn into one of my classic rambles, so if it makes no sense, I apologise. But then, it’s a blog about my own journey and I feel that I’m just coming out of a time of confusion, so perhaps if it makes no sense it’s pretty reflective of where I’ve been of late! This blog is one that charts the highs and lows of my journey, and the very last thing I want to do is pretend that I’m someone I’m not or that I’m somewhere I’m not. For me, truth, transparency and integrity are key to any spiritual journey that has it’s roots in reality.

Seeing my father in hospital was not so much a shock as something of an awakening. Seeing him sat there, next to his hospital bed, wired up to a monitor somehow jolted me into a deeper sense of the transient nature of this incarnation. Death has been close to me over the past few months, well, many months in fact, in the sense that life, death and rebirth are realities and part of the mystery of my path, however, seeing dad all wired up was like a visual aid to this reality. In very recent years I have lost too many family members, as well as a beloved pet who was my best friend, crazy as that may sound. Here, before me in Yeovil District Hospital, was another testimony to the fact that whilst everything is forever because nothing really dies, the vehicle we use for each incarnation is not. Dad’s ‘vehicle’ was in something of a protest, it was failing, it was frail, yet he was very much alive. Each ‘bleep’ of the machine showed that his heart was working, yet in a sense it worked to foster that relationship between vehicles, whereas the reality I was after was deeper than that. This reality was spirit to spirit connection - this is where I’ve been this past week or so: an overwhelming feeling of wanting to break out of the prison that this vehicle often imposes and an all encompassing desire to leap into the reality of what it actually means to be Me. I’m not sure that sounds terribly pagan, but I’m discovering that this really is the heart of my path. I’m not talking about some pseudo-spiritual naval gazing exercise that is little more than a manipulation of the emotions of the psychologically fragile, but rather a true and dynamic spiritual journey to Myself. The heart of Me.

Somehow, somewhere, there is a balance, a dynamic, powerful, vital and real balance between being alive in this vehicle, and being truly Spirit, truly Me. Somewhere there’s a coming together of the two, some kind of divine relationship, yet at the same time both are separate. Today walking up the Tor was wonderful in a very physical, earthy, grounded sense. Rain was in the air, but it wasn’t really raining, the wind was blowing in my face, even taking my breath away at times. The view was interchanging between dark clouds, mist and heavy rain on the horizon to lovely warming sunny intervals where I could see for miles. I was so aware of every human emotion and the joy and wonder of actually being in this vehicle at this moment in time – in the now. It was lovely, it was great and I felt really alive in this body and my body loved the immediate connection with all that was around me. It was like a celebration of my humanity. Grounded, Earthed, I was part of everything that I could see and touch; I was connected with and to everything, but in a very physical sense and also in a very sexual sense. It was a wonder.

At Chalice Well I stood in my favourite place, between the two Yews. I love this spot as much as the actual Wellhead, as for me it resonates such a powerful energy of the reality of balance, of standing between the worlds, and of my calling to hold this balance in so many different ways. As I stood there I could feel myself falling, and I was falling and spiralling, yet at the same time I knew I was connected to this vast web, the Web Of Life. I could see myself on this Web and knew my part and role on the Web and although it felt like I had no control, I had total control. I had such a sense of connection, of being one with and part of the All. I was nothing, yet Everything, all at the same time, so small, yet huge and vast because I am part of the All, weak, yet so ultimately powerful, because, once again, I am part of the All.

As I walked to the Wellhead my mind was rushing with all these things I do that are simply just reflections of the me that I’ve been moulded to me, and not the me that is truly the me before name and form. Even work, my job, is in so many ways a falsification of type. Even the Bower Hinton Bike Ride that is in so many ways so very important, faded into nothing as I walked to the Wellhead and became simply another guy rope that was holding me back from a real sense of personal freedom. I saw, again, a need for another round of letting go!

Back in Glastonbury town centre I met someone who in reality I only know in a very superficial way, but today we spoke on a deeper level. She asked how I was, and I thought I would answer honestly as opposed to offering the usual socially polite tripe. At one point she said “It often seems like we find ourselves in the same place, but actually each time we find ourselves in a familiar place, we’re actually there needing to go deeper” and for me that was something of a confirmation of where I have been recently. There have been times where it has felt like I’ve been treading water, or going round in circles, and at times this has even caused me to doubt the reality of my spirituality, but actually I’ve been walking a labyrinth of continual initiation, a walk into and our from the heart of Me, the heart of Goddess and God.

Sometimes it feels like a labyrinth of fire, yet fire is the element of transformation. Fire brings freedom, spiritual reality, and power, it brings real and lasting change, it is cleansing, transforming, releasing, renewing, energizing. It brings light to ones path, and it burns away the dross, the rubbish, the clutter and it leaves the finest gold. It’s the element of alchemy, and I think this is the cauldron I’ve been in, in recent weeks!



The challenge now is to move on from here and not procrastinate. A real and magickal work is taking place, and I need to move with it into a new place.

Honesty With Self

The motives of ones one self are hard to define. We all do things because we have needs, and we want our needs met. The most pure of friendships exists because we have need of company, or the person brings into our life something that we need, even if just for a passing moment. It's a reciprocal thing, rarely altruistic in nature. So really examining ones own motives is a tough thing, but a necessary requirement. If we can't be honest with ourselves, who can we be honest with?

Calling Goddess to shine Her light into those dark and dusty corners of ones own experience isn't a comfortable thing, but it's a necessary thing. In her book Dion Fortune talks of the problems that could occur should Higher Self manifest in a body that is ill prepared - she cites St Paul being temporarily blinded on the Damascus Road as an example. Again, I shirk a little from the Christian analogy, although it serves a purpose.

There is something serious here. A need to apply oneself to the task in hand, of daring to be honest and frank with self and lowering the mask, even if it is just for me to look at! How honest are we being with ourselves about ourselves? When we are alone, truly alone, are we comfortable with ourselves?

I wrote some time ago about Crowley and how he felt it so important that we should write our own philosophy and be clear about what it was we were seeking and why. It kind of echoes Dion Fortunes words in the Training and Work Of An Initiate, in that she says, so clearly, that it's pivotal we release the bondage of the senses and of the flesh - that our desires become a desire for that true connection with the One Divine Life.

It's not that life ends, it's not that pleasure ends, it's not that fun ends, it's not that we cease to be, rather it's that we start the process of 'becoming', we begin that process of transformation, transition by transition, becoming who we really are. This must start with personal honestly, being clear about motives, where we are and where we want to be. Establishing that foundation of truth and personal integrity.

I'm not sure what's happened in these past few days, but I know that I've taken a step forward, I'm in a new place, yet not entirely sure where I am.

New Moon is coming up and I'm thinking of writing a brief ritual of my desire to move forward, a kind of setting my intention towards initiation, and seeing this grow and develop as the Moon waxes. It's a journey, and the journey of a lifetime, but this does feel like something of a new beginning.

Seeking Clear Air

" . . . our individual lives, and every happening of those lives, is an integral part of the cosmic whole; it shows us our individual relationship to that whole."

says Dion Fortune in the book "The Work and Training of an Initiate." She also goes on to say that it takes 3 lives of steadfast effort to find the path on initiation. The more I read of this book, the more I feel that I am more than likely on life number 1, as the more I discover, the more I realise the little that I know!

The above quote stuck me in a powerful way, as I read it, as my part in the universal plan has been something that I've been thinking about in recent days. As we look at photographs of Nature in our back gardens, I've come to see that any person can be a lover of Nature, of the beauty that surrounds us, the wonderful flowers, trees, plants and incredible views from places of natural beauty, but few of us take the next step into not only appreciating but also experiencing that we are part of Nature. Part Of The All. We are not just Nature lovers, but Nature People. We not just observers of all that is around us, but we are intrinsically connected to all that is around us - we are part of the Cosmic Whole and we have a direct relationship with the Cosmic Whole. This is what is meant by on the Web of Life. We each have our place on that web, and we each send out our own unique vibration from our place on the Web of Life. More so, that vibration is required, it's needed, as we are interconnected to everyone else on that Web, and they need the vibration that we send. This is all part of the co-dependency of life.

Life, death and rebirth are part of the natural cycle of life, and as Nature People we move beyond the casual observation of all that surrounds us and understand that as we witness the happenings without, so we experience the same within. This also takes us to understand that "as above, so below." The 'little deaths' are required in order for us to move on in what I tend to see as a continual process of initiation. We are always spiraling in or spiraling out, as initiation isn't something that we experience as a one off, or as part of a series of 3, but something that is a continual part of our spiritual development.

Dion uses a lot of Christian imagery and uses a number of direct references to biblical themes in this book (I'm only just into it, so this isn't a review as such) and I struggle with this to a degree, because of my upbringing. It's clear that she never let go, completely, of her Christian roots. She talks a lot about triumphing over 'the flesh' and the need for the serious student to surrender the 'things of the senses' in order for the Higher Self to manifest. Whilst I struggle with the Christian concept of this, it does make sense to me when I see it in relation to the laying down of the Ego. It also makes sense to me when I see it as a path of 'little deaths' as Amber K talked about in her little book 'True Magick.' There is a call to sacrifice, there is a call to dedication. If we want to know that sense of true connection to the one Divine Life, then we have to live in accord with that one Divine Life and therefore our own motives are called into question and there has to be a process of 'sieving' before we can move on as true Magickal people. Dion talks about Westerners struggling with this because we see death as an ending, as opposed to a new beginning. Death is but a sunset, she says, to be followed by a new day. The laying down of our own desires and motives is the sunset before the process of initiation when we begin to know and experience the wonder of the Higher Self manifesting and through this knowing what it truly means to be connected to the One Divine Life. It's powerful stuff!

Dion talks of this process lifting us into a place of "serener air, clear of the accumulated heap of daily pettiness that threatens to bury us". I can relate to that statement so very closely!

Dion also talks of two paths, one being what she calls the path of the mystic (and she says that this path does not teach reincarnation) and the occult path. In this she seems (and remember that I'm only part in, so I may not be clear on her thinking at this stage) to separate religion and magick. As I've said before, I'm clear that magick can operate outside of a religious framework, there's no doubt about that, but for my path, magick happens within a clear spiritual and religious practice.

There's loads to draw from here, and I think I'm only just beginning to appreciate how it all fits together!

The Dance Of Life

Creative energy flows from the union of the Lord and Lady. This divine and sacred union brings forth life, all life, and creativity. As a child of the Goddess, this same creativity manifests within me and therefore I can bring this same life, this same creativity to given situations. As I step into the reality and the power of this truth so it becomes the bedrock of my spiritual practice.

I am a Child of this union, this ecstatic coming together in passion. My life flows from this union and life and creative energy flows from me as a result.

This is initiation - the realisation and the entering into of my new birthright. The place of my true birth and the stepping into of my true self.

I belong as part of the Dance Of Life!

Sacred Union

As a gay man I have often had problems exploring the union of the Goddess and God, yet somehow this morning I was powerfully aware of this. As Beltane approaches I am becoming increasingly aware of this magickal union. More so, the fact that Goddess and God reside within me, and therefore this powerful creativity can flow from me. It's a time of change, a time of initiation, of power, of love and passion.

I have a sense of Beltane being a time where I am called to dedicate once again to the Lord and Lady, and is so doing I welcome, invite and evoke this divine union, and the fruit of this sacred union, within me. This is a time of rebirth and of taking my own spiritual journey to a new level.