Heaven and Earth

In many ways I know little of which I speak! The Western Way is a magical path that I feel has been calling me for some time, yet I’ve been in something of a haze of confusion as I’ve been looking for a way forward. Sure, I’ve read Dion Fortune, yet at the same time I have been sure that there has been something missing in my search. I was reminded today of a quote from Dion Fortune’s book “The Goat Foot God”. Hugh Paston says:

I don’t want anything spiritual, it isn’t my line, I had an overdose of it at Oxford. What I want is that something vital which I feel to be somewhere in the universe, which I know I need, and which I can’t lay my hand on

And for me, this is my quest. I want to make and experience that true connection with the One Divine Life and for this connection to change me and those I come into contact with. What I want is spiritual in the sense that I hunger for the inner courts of reality and not the outer courts of theatre. I don’t want pretence, show, theatre, costume and pseudo-glamour, I want all that stripped away in order to get hold of that which is real and to truly experience Them in my being. I think one of the reasons I have been silent here for so long is that I have been disillusioned with the peddling of spirituality, and whilst I know that each and every one of us has a living to make, there is something cheapening about it when it is peddled by people who have simply read the right books but experienced little. And reality has to be what it is all about.

I am conscious that I am setting out my store, and in a way I already feel the pressure of that, but by the same token one does not become an initiate of the Mysteries by attending a weekend workshop, I know that this is about commitment, dedication, spiritual practice, meditation and sacrifice. Key themes that have been with me for some time. So what I am talking about here is a process rather than an event, and one that I have control over.

As I stood on Glastonbury Tor yesterday I became aware of two things:

1. That I was deeply connected to Earth, at the same time I was aware that through this connection I was drawing up fire from the very centre of Earth and this fire became the centre of me

2. That I was connected to the Stars and celestial light radiated from my head and poured into my head.

These two things are the power of connection and to, at the moment, show the first steps on what I am understanding as the Western Mystery Tradition. There are two things running parallel: the deep connection to Earth with roots firmly planted in the ways and traditions of my ancestors, whilst at the same time reaching to the heavens and experiencing that deep connection with the One Divine Life. Here is a perfect union and one cannot be had without the other, the meeting of heaven and earth. This is something that I need to explore, as there is something about bring the reality of this into the Now – into my daily experience.

And here is an issue that trips me up again and again – bringing all of this into my daily working life. I’ve not cracked that as yet. On a daily basis I still see things that upset and offend me in terms of how people are treated and their humanity walked over, and increasingly, I find this impossible to accept. The actions of others have the detrimental affects upon the not only the careers of others, but also violates their human dignity, and somehow I am expected to support this in the name of progressing the organisation. This I find increasingly impossible. I feel that 2010 will be a time where, drawing on the fire that burns within me and the inspiration of my Gods I will be speaking not only my truth, but the truth, into these situations. Courage and strength, two words that were given to me by a Facebook friend yesterday, will be key in tackling this . . . and I will need them by the bucket load! It is stuff like this work situation that I allow to block my spiritual progress. I feel that it almost robs me of something. Instead I need to turn it around, and pour in to this spiritual void that is work, something of me. My true self.

I want to step away from Heaven and Earth as simply concepts, so that their reality radiates within and from me so that change is engendered, both for me, and for those who experience me in various ways as I go about my life.

The Road to Samhain

Today I took myself out on a walking meditation. I have a few days leave from work, and I’ve been determined to put them to good use. No prizes for guessing where I went – yes, as I thought, you’ve guessed it - Glastonbury Tor and Chalice Well! I just love these places and I have such a genuine connection with them. I am so aware of how blessed I am to have such amazing places close by, but then I guess we all have our ‘special places’ and our connections to sacred sites. I also know that our mere presence, as a Magickal Being, makes any place sacred, as we connect to the Spirits of Place and work with them. And, over the years, such as with Glastonbury Tor and Chalice Well, these places become imbued with this energy. The words we speak, from the intentions that we make, have the power to create, or destroy, build up, or break down.

I also intend to visit Stanton Drew and Avebury during the oncoming days.

I have been aware of Samhain calling in recent days. Energy is shifting, and this has been reflected in a number of blogs that I regularly visit. As energy shifts, so my inner work shifts, and I have become increasingly aware that Samhain is just around the corner. Samhain is one of my most favourite festivals. The energy and power of this season drives right into the very core of me and both thrills and terrifies me, simultaneously. I think it needs to do both, and as such I never become complacent but rather see this time of death and rebirth as hugely significant as I step into a new spiritual and magickal year. It also makes this time real, and not superficial, on any level. It can be an incredibly painful time, as one lets go things that no longer serve, and then one reaches out to embrace the new. It’s not just about an acknowledgement of the season, but a real, genuine, and total connection with the season of death, and then rebirth. This is the time of transformation and transformation is central to my path. As I get closer to Source, the One Divine Life, how can I not be transformed?

As I reached the top of Glastonbury Tor, I was calling to Gwyn Ap Nudd, who I relate to as the king of the Underworld. He is the God of death and rebirth, as the Underworld is where souls are prepared for their rebirth. I was seeking guidance on that which I need to release, in preparation for my Samhain ritual. Words and images were flooding my mind and soon one word stood out about all others: Restriction.

I sat, leaning against the tower, in the wonderful warmth of full sun, seeking more insight into this word, and soon it became clear. So much of my work has been that of letting go of old patterns, both of behaviour and thinking, and moving into a new place. I am amazed at how far I have travelled, yet I still restrict myself, and this was key – the message for me was to let go of the limitations I place upon myself. It’s time to see how I limit me, mainly in my thinking, but also in my interactions with others.

Together with this were the limitations I place upon my progression upon my own path. Sometimes these limitations are borne of fear that stems from my Christian upbringing. It’s over 20 years since I broke free from the yoke of Christianity, yet still the echoes remain, quieter, much fainter than before, but at times they are still there. They are but whispers, just whispers, but whispers that at times hold me in check, stop me moving forward, because I doubt and fear and I feel that this doubt and fear often has its origin in a belief that I am not worthy. These things need to go as I want to move forward and I need to release the lies of the past as I move into the truth of Now.

There is no glass ceiling, nothing has been imposed, any restriction is there because I alone place it there. As my trust and belief in myself increases, so I need to step into my own personal responsibility and integrity. I am in charge of me. My words both create and destroy. As I embrace my own True Will I am my own light and I am my own master and therefore the bars of this self imposed prison can be torn apart – and this is my intention for this Samhain.

As I walked to Chalice Well I sat at the Wellhead and spoke with Sulis, my patron Goddess. She is the Goddess of the hot, healing springs of Bath, Goddess of blessing and of curse, Goddess of fire and water. As I listened to Her promptings I was increasingly aware that I have embraced her Water aspect – my intuition is well developed, I am aware of my own emotions, I own them, and disown those that are not of me, and my inner relationship is finely tuned. These things can always develop further, however I need to embrace her Fire and bring this further into the centre of my being. I need to allow her Fire to rise within me, that fire of passion, of alchemy, of transformation, of purification. This is the Fire that burns the dross and leaves the gem – the Fire of Inner Light. This is a clear call and a clear challenge.

Linked with this is the ability to receive. When I doubt my worth it is difficult to receive anything. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no wilting wallflower, but there are times when it’s difficult to receive because I don’t feel good enough, and I know where this has its root – firmly seated in the past indoctrination of Christian teaching.

So my Samhain ritual begins to take form. A relinquishing of the limitations and restrictions I place upon myself, a letting go of self doubt and limiting self belief, walking away from old concepts of me. And then a stepping into the truth of who I am – a Magickal Being, and a genuine stepping into the element of Fire, embracing the Fires of Sulis and seeing them rise and take hold within me. This will be a ritual that is designed to cement a process that is already at work within me and that will result in a deepening of this work through the art of causing changes in consciousness at will.

So mote it be!

The Fires Of Transformation

I've spoken many times on my blog about my path being a path of transformation. What do I mean by that? Simply, that as I get closer to Source, so I begin to see who and what I truly am. It's like the real me slowly, very slowly, comes into focus. I've described it as Goddess holding a mirror to my face, showing me my true reflection, or as layers of an onion being continually peeled until I reach my true centre, or as the false labels, habits, behavioural and thinking patterns falling away, one at a time. It's like Air blowing away the debris, Fire creating inner alchemy, Water revealing true and authentic emotion and Earth showing me my true roots. It's a continual, powerful process. I've talked of embracing my own inner relationship between Younger, Talking and Higher Self and how this spiritual relationship realises true results. This process has been continuing for me, and this was emphasised at my New Moon ritual on Saturday.

So much is starting to come into my consciousness, I'm becoming aware of so many things that at times it's hard to process. Odd as it may sound, there's so much happening that it almost feels as though nothing is happening, because sometimes it feels as though life stands still. Or rather, it's like I stand still in the middle of life and it's happening around about me, yet within, deeper, calmer more profound things are at work.

What has been hitting me hard, and I mean hard, is this sense, this growing awareness, that I am one with Source, one with the Divine Life. That's a really scary thing for an ex-Christian to say! I do not claim to fully comprehend this, nor do I fully understand it. I am certainly not able to articulate it, but the truth of this is beginning to hit home. As I sit and meditate I am increasing aware of my attention and awareness shifting from seeing myself as 'me' with a little 'm' to Me, part of Source, at one with the Divine Life, I am becoming increasingly aware of my Higher Self, my Greater Self. This sounds so puffed up, and I don't mean it like that at all, as I am claiming nothing other than a sense of truly beginning to become aware of who I am before name and form, before the lies of false attributes were believed. I am returning to myself in a real sense. I am conscious that again I stand at the beginning of another part of the journey. I claim nothing other than being in the starting blocks, once again, about to set off. I'm on the track, but unsure of the destination. It's scary at times.

I know that my connection to my self identity is strong. Hell, I've fought long and hard, what feels like all my life in this incarnation, for the right to be who and what I am. I have struggled, fought, campaigned and lost everything for the right to be seen as a complete individual. Proud to be me, proud to be gay, proud to be free. Now, as I move forward in Spirit, I feel the challenge of seeing this as an illusion, just as all adherence to things, even self, that is filled with self importance and false attachment. It's a powerful challenge, as the ego, this external self, tends to shout, scream and cry for attention. I also struggle because I need to be sure that I am hearing the call correctly, because at times it resonates too powerfully with old Christian teaching. However, as much as I struggle, I know, somewhere within, that the call I hear is true, it is real, and it is not about losing self, it's not about 'dying to self', it's about finding my True Self. I've talked a lot in the past about 'little deaths' and this feels like a logical part of that continual process.

This is a breaking free of all illusion and attachment that has informed my perceived self identity. Labels, interactions, perceptions, dreams, aspirations, ego patterns, demands upon others, expectations. I am suddenly seeing what I think Crowley must have meant when he spoke of being free from 'purpose.' Sometimes I think I think understand, that I might actually have 'got it' and then as soon as I do, it's like I lose the grip once again and it falls, through my fingers, from my hands. May be one never 'gets it' one just keeps walking in the right direction.

This New Moon felt very much like a time of seeing my identification with self beginning to dissolve as I move into a new awareness of my Greater Self. A new process has started. I can claim nothing magnificent, just a deep, a truly deep sense of having moved into a new space. It feels like only a simply forward step, but it also feels very new.

This feels like an ever moving cycle of losing self and finding Self, and as I start to see myself losing my focus on the self I thought I was and believed I was my eyes are opening to my True Self and not only my connection to Source, but the truth that I am of Source, part of the One Divine Life, truly One with The All. Part of me wants to add 'whatever that means' because in truth I don't fully understand or appreciate the enormity of what I am writing, I just know that there is truth here, there is reality here, there is power here and it is here that I will experience the ecstatic embrace of the Divine - " we are all stars".

This sounds so muddled and confused, and in a way it feels like that, but it also feels perfectly clear. In getting closer to Source, the One Divine Life, I am discovering my True Self, and I am that I am, part of The All. Not an observer, not a spectator, not sitting there in awe and wonder, but actually part of it all, one with it all, intrinsically connected, interconnected - at One.

I'm excited, scared, clear, confused, happy, all at the same time!

I'm sure there will be more to follow this, if you can cope with me!

Standing Tall

It may seem funny that at 6’4.5” tall the Lord and Lady saw fit today to remind me to stand tall, but this was the case for me today.

Having a significant part of the day to myself, I took myself off to my beloved Glastonbury for a walking meditation. The meditative part of this was severally challenged by the fact that it is still half term. I had momentarily forgotten this but was soon reminded as it seemed that every parent in the south west with a screaming child had decided to take them to Glastonbury! But never mind as I still enjoyed moments of connection.

Sat on the Tor at 0900 this morning was beautiful. Yes, there were many more people there than is usual at this time, and it was noisy, but I was still able to enter into a (albeit brief) meditation. Sat there on the Tor I was so conscious of my place in The All. I use this phrase a lot, I know, but it is something that has come to mean so much to me. As I became aware of my place in The All, the first part of the message ‘Stand Tall’ began to hit home to me. I do not have to bow and scrape before Deity, because I am part of Deity just as Deity is part of me. My connection with The All isn’t something of a academic treatise, it is something of reality, of truth, of value and of power. The wind on my face is an aspect of Goddess, but it is also an aspect of me. Whilst I don’t want to suggest that in this I lose my identity, I had a sense of the boundaries of me blurring and merging with the boundaries of everything else. All connected. Interconnected, interdependent. It’s all about relationship; part of The All, one with All Things, yet uniquely separate. I can’t explain that conundrum at the moment, but in that second, in that brief moment on the Tor this morning, it made sense to me.

So much in life can cause us to walk with our head bowed, to feel that we are ‘less than’. This has been my experience for part of my life and, whilst in my head I may know that this is not true, sometimes that message doesn’t always make it to my heart. Or if it does, somehow my heart and soul need to be reminded at times! Today was one of those days.

I don’t want to write at length about the experiences that may have caused me to feel ‘less than’ as the very last thing I want to do is to create the impression that I am looking for sympathy or that I have my head so firmly stuck in my naval that I can’t see daylight. However, suffice to say that being thrown out of ones home and town, simply for being gay, being thrown out of the Christian church (which, although I am no longer Christian, was a huge and very influential part of my upbringing) for being ‘outed’ as gay, acquiring a disability that although not obvious, made me feel something of a failure, being told by teachers that I would never amount to anything, being bullied etc, etc. I mention these things only to illustrate a point, not to give the impression that I am on a ‘poor me’ trip. These things, which one can walk away from and overcome, can still haunt in the quiet moments, can still cause one to bow ones head, to feel ‘less than’ or ‘not part of’ and this was the message of my time on the Tor; a reminder, but a message nonetheless.

As I saw myself as part of The All, my sense of personal, magickal power was immense. I felt huge! Does that sound weird? I felt so big, as big as the heavens and earth and it felt like nothing was an obstacle. It was a momentary feeling, unfortunately (or perhaps if it continued I would explode) but it was there, I could have leapt from the Tor, convinced that I would land safely, such was the feeling. I just knew that I was part of Everything and that I had no need to excuse, justify, apologise or reason, I just simply had to be. Being me was enough because being Me is Everything. As I am, here and now, in the here and now, for this moment in time and at this moment in time is where and who and what I was intended to be – so it’s a cause for celebration, not depression!

I saw the Fire within me burning as I took a walk around Chalice Well in the biggest downpour of the day! I was soaked, but could have danced around the gardens! I was reminded of a time, a long time ago, when someone said that as they looked at me they saw me as a pillar of fire. That came back to me today, as I have been working with fire. I stood by the Yew Trees in the garden seeing myself as fire and as I did so (this is going to sound so crazy) I felt like a hot air balloon, wanting to fly, pulling and straining to each the highest height, yet held to the ground by loads of guy-ropes. These guy-ropes represented many things, some I describe above, but many of them having the power (if I invest that power in them) to cause me to feel inferior. As I became this pillar of fire, so the ropes began to snap and I was released to continue this journey. I saw that I don’t have to plead and supplicate Deity to release me, because as I stand tall, in my personal magickal power, I release myself. I am given the tools to set myself free.

What is important about this is that it comes from power within, not from human effort. The key, as it has been shown to me, is not to strive or struggle in ones physical, mental, emotional or psychological strength, but to relax into who you were intended to be, before name and form, and just let this happen. I don’t know if that makes any sense at all, but to me it seems and feels so right! Freedom, true spiritual liberation, comes not from human effort, not from obeying rules, not from sticking to dogma (of any kind or nature), not from some kind of inner neurosis, not from subjugation to any kind of hierarchal leadership, but simply from walking into the truth of You.

I know that not all those guy-ropes have been burned away, but I know they can be, as I continue this personal journey to myself. What’s key is that I know the fire to burn them away is mine, the tool has been handed to me. I just have to use it!

Fire

Today is the first day in a week that I have actually felt something like a human being! I think I must have had something more than a summer cold, as it was awful! My joints and eye sockets ached, I couldn't stop coughing and sneezing - yuck! Awful! Anyway, enough about that, that's not why I'm here and it's not the reason for this blog! I hope I can get back on course!

This week out has provided me with some time for reflection. I've not been off work or anything, but I have had more 'down time' than usual, and this has given the opportunity to at least ponder the things that I felt the Lord and Lady have been saying to me in recent days. I've not been able to do much about it, but I have had the opportunity to really listen to my own inner voice.

Just prior to this bug hitting home my meditations had been leading me to explore the element of fire more deeply. This is something that has been pressing home for some time, and it keeps coming back to me.

Sulis, my patron Goddess, is Goddess of water and of fire, and whilst I find a real, powerful and real connection with water and all that means, I struggle more with the element of fire. I think it's time to confront that and explore that to a more profound level.

Fire is the element of creativity, of transformation, of inner alchemy. Change is all around me and within, it's that natural passage of life, death and rebirth and this is a constant, however, it's also a dynamic thing, a profound thing, and it's something of a journey. It's also bloody uncomfortable at times! Whilst I like to think that I'm open to change, I know that in reality I shirk from it as much as the next person. I like to feel safe, secure and want to know that tomorrow will be like today, like everyone else, but I am finding that the more I embrace my path, the more unlikely that is going to be. Change is here to stay, it's a constant reality!

In my old Christian past the call would be one of "being transformed from glory unto glory" but I don't see my change like that. It's not that I'm reaching some state of holiness or perfection, it's more like I am becoming fully human. As I celebrate my spirituality, as I explore what sometimes feels like a greater separation this with body - spirit - the more I feel able to celebrate being in this body. I don't know if that makes any sense at all!

It's like as I see myself as more clearly living in this vehicle for this incarnation, the more the wonder of this vehicle hits home. I see myself as less of a victim, even though I know my vehicle is frail and prone to fail, I embrace my own personal responsibility, emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually, the whole nine yards.

Somehow it's like seeing my spirit as a fire within, burning from the inside out, burning the lies, the dross, the false things that I have believed and accepted, both about the world and about myself, and this transforming fire is burning, changing, transmuting, transforming, empowering, envisioning and igniting inner belief and passion. This is creativity! It's like Self is being released, but not a restricted self, not an apologetic self, but an empowered self, one who embraces ones spiritual heritage and moves in the power of that.

Fire is the illumination within, it throws light on my inner world as it is the power of inner sight and from this comes wisdom, which is again another form of creativity. Here again is power in that I am able to direct the force of spirit in tune with my will and to cause this to manifest in this world. Here again is responsibility, but here again this empowerment only arrives when I am fully in tune with the All. When I am true to who I am, before name and form, when my will is as Their will because I am assuming my place on the web. Not a whim, not a fancy, not a fluffy off the shelf spell, but being who I truly am.

This speaks to me again of relationship, with the All, with my inner world. I'm pleased to be back where I belong!

Fire

No two people experience the Divine in the same way, each individual's experience is just that - individual. The path I walk, whist others support me and work with me at times, no one can truly walk my path with me. We each of us walk alone in that sense. My relationship with Spirit, with Divine, is my relationship and my life and the way I live it is my own responsibility. Books will support my journey, the experiences of others will teach and guide, magickal theory way well underpin my direction and provide a foundation that I build upon, but beyond all this, beyond theory and dogma I stand naked before Goddess and God.

My true guidance and direction come from my own relationship with the One Divine Life. It is time for me to trust in this relationship and who I am before Goddess and God. The land beneath my feet, the wind that blows in my face, the rain on my body, the aroma that fills my senses, all these things carry the voice and inspiration of Goddess and God. The voice that calls from deep within my own soul, my own true voice, is the voice of the Divine. There is no room and no need for dogma, for scripts and rules, what simply matters is the celebration of true connection with the One Divine Life.

My path is a living path. I am not just a conduit of divine energy, I am a cauldron where all is energy, all is transformation and transmutation. From here, from this living internal reservoir of life, of abundant life, I draw my strength, inspiration and energy. This is the place of Divine Balance, where the energy from my incorporation and assimilation of opposites; of life and death, of dark and light, fuel and energise my daily experience and work to create growth and transformation.

I feel that I am moving from water to fire, from that place of preparation into a place of action, albeit a slow and steady movement forward.

Fire is an element I've struggled with in the past. I'm think I'm about to start a new lesson!

The Still Quiet Place

I seem to spend so much time 'doing' that I forget to 'be'. It's so easy to get caught up the demands placed upon me, and to spend my time responding to them that who and what I am gets lost in the midst of all this. The working day demands so much, and then there are different things that require attention at home, that before I know it I'm a 'human doing' and not a 'human being'. I find it so easy to think that frenetic activity brings results - and this is simply a trap that has the result of yielding nothing.

This morning I was so aware of entering that still, quiet place. It's not about battle, not even battle for time, it's not about trying to appease opposing forces and it's not about physical energy, or even earnest desire, it's about entering the Temple - the Inner Temple.

I was conscious of the element of water this morning, that deep, profound, still, mighty ocean. It can appear calm, still, almost as though nothing is happening, and yet it contains so much life and it has such strength, incredible depth and such power. This morning I relaxed into this, consciously letting go of effort, of trying and letting all those clamouring voices and anxieties go. Inside, deep inside there is my Inner Voice, my True Self, and there is something about entering that quiet place where my Inner Voice can be heard. It's about making connection with Me and in this knowing myself and my true will. Any kind of magickal work has to start here - with really knowing and understanding who I am - more than that, who I was intended to be, before name and before form.

In some ways it sounds corny, but I did see my true self, my inner self, as a very small candle flame, as something that needs nurture to grow in stature, strength and power. My attention was then shifted to the element of Fire and my little candle flame grew into a pillar of fire, of pure spiritual energy.

What wasn't lost on me was Sulis, my Goddess, who is Goddess of water and also of fire. As I embrace Her, this great Mother Goddess more fully, so I will more fully know my own true self.