Change

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”

This famous quote made by Charles Darwin and the theme of change has been resonating with me for some time. It seems that on every level of my life, both internally and externally, change is afoot, and what is also interesting is that it is happening almost irrespectively of my engagement with it. It is happening, regardless, and the call to me is to move and allow the change to work what it needs to work within me.

And as change happens in the ‘mundane’ (although I don’t like to use that term) so it happens, and has to happen, on the spiritual plane. My path is a path of transformation, one of the evolution of my soul, In order to grow in the understanding of the dynamic of my own True Will so I have to open myself to change, to powerful transformation . . . to growth.

And this growth can be painful, as can all change. The transformative path I am walking is leading me deeper into appreciating that the call is to know the Will of my Soul, and to lay down the will of the ego. The clash and the battle at the centre of this can be immense. In some ways this internal tension is being played out at all levels around me at the moment, from structural and organisational changes at work, to changes with my own health, health struggles being experienced by my dearest friend, to changes in family dynamics and relationships through to changes in other interpersonal relationships. It’s everywhere and the changes I see externally simply work to mirror those that are taking place – or demanding to take place, within. If I am to listen to the quote above by Darwin, my response to this internal change is significant.

So what is my own true will? I’ve asked this question again and again on this blog, but I see that this is a question that I will continually ask because my own true will is dynamic and changing and not static. It has to be dynamic because change is constant in that it is constantly working to bring me nearer to fully understanding and appreciating the nature of my true will.

As I understand my own true will today it is to fully know and experience my true connection with The All. That sounds very simplistic, but then it has to be simplistic if I am to summarise it one sentence. For me my own true will is about really stepping into that place where I take up my role as a cog in the Universe that supports true interconnection and that draws the power and energy of that connection into my core and thus see it radiated into the Earth and into the lives of others. Being one with The One Divine Life. Being one with the Universe, the Cosmos. Simply being part of Source.

So the path of transformation for me at the moment is about removing those ties that bind, that hold me back, that restrict and hinder my move forward. These may be physical things, things are ‘out there’ on this plane, and they may be internal things, things of the ego, things of the past, perhaps even things of past lives, things that need more than to be released, they need to be divested of their power and part of that is about me stopping acting and thinking in such ways that actually gives these restrictive binds their power.

And this is why connection with spirit of place and with ancestors is important for me at the moment, because I see what is happening is like a paring back to the simple – back to that which really matters, that which is of value, is of meaning and that will forward the work of truly knowing and achieving the nature of my own true will.

Even more simply own true will is to know my Gods and be as one and at one with them. To take up my part in the Dance of Life and dance my steps at the right time and in time. To hear the beat and the rhythm and to dance accordingly no matter who or what is watching. To do this I need to do more than listen to the music, I need to become part of the music.

The Question of Suffering

I still have to type in font 28 and then copy and paste this into my blog – and I can’t focus on this that clearly, either! I am so sorry that this means I am currently unable to read and comment on your blogs – please don’t think me rude! Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful comments.

I have been experiencing many emotions during what I have been referring to, both ironically and humorously, as my ‘time of confinement’. However, whilst said in jest, there is also some truth in there; as ever, ‘many a true word spoken in jest’. It is true, I do feel incredibly frustrated, and I do feel confined. There is so much that I am currently unable to do and as such my frustration with self, as well as my situation, grows and as these emotions grow so does resentment. I resent the fact that this situation has been foisted upon me. (False) guilt then comes along as my situation is not life threatening and will pass in a few weeks, so who am I to be feeling these things anyway?!?

But there is learning in all this. I am now wondering where my responsibility lies in this situation. How and why did this happen? Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way whatsoever thinking ‘why me’ in some kind of melodramatic ‘poor little me’ way, but what I am wondering is; have I somehow allowed a chink in my spiritual armour or a leak in my aura to develop and grow that has allowed this to happen, and if so, what can I do about this? Is there a lesson for me to learn in all this, or should the only lesson that suffering can ever teach be how not to suffer any more? Or, as I am spirit housed in this physical vehicle for a period of time in this incarnation, is suffering of the physical vehicle inevitable as it is fragile and weak and prone to fail – or is this something one can rise above?

As you can imagine, these questions are doing my head in! However, these are questions I am pursuing as I have never been given an answer to the thorny issue of suffering that I have found satisfactory from the pagan/magickal perspective.

In my long and distant Christian past suffering was also referred to as one of the consequences of humanities fall from grace – it was a consequence of sin. I was actually told that when I lost the sight in my left eye that I “clearly had sin in my life and that I couldn’t expect God to heal until the sin was dealt with and removed.” You can, I am sure, imagine how such a comment affected a 23 year old coming to terms with such a loss at such a tender age. This only added to my sense of guilt at being gay, as it felt that it had to be this fact that was preventing God from healing me. Whilst I moved in these Christian circles I saw many, many people in the most desperate and even life threatening situations come forward for healing, and leave as sick as they arrived, but with condemnation, guilt and rejection added to their issues and problems because, as it would have seemed to them, God chose not to respond to the cry of their heart. In my own personal experience I went through a period of profound depression as it seemed to me that the God who at the time I believed to be the creator of the Universe, who I thought I had a personal relationship with, had chosen to reject me. Being rejected by the creator of the universe takes some getting over!

Clearly, this was not the case and obviously I have moved on from something that happened 23 years ago – but you get my point. Christianity offers an answer to the question of suffering, unsatisfactory as it may be.

Buddhism teaches that all is suffering, that existence itself is suffering and that this is caused by desire and attachment. The Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eight-Fold Path deal with this, I over simplify, I accept this, however, what I am simply attempting to show is that Buddhism places suffering at the very heart of its teaching.

So, as a Magickal Being, how do I respond to the very real issue of suffering? As I deepen my relationship with Source so I enable the Divine to operate more actively and positively in my life. This isn’t about sin at all, rather it is about exploring the inner planes more fully and deeply and experiencing the manifestation of the Divine within me at ever increasing levels of reality. As my Higher Self manifests, can there be room for suffering?

Clearly there can. Leading occultists whom I have the deepest and most sincere respect for have died through contracting serious disease. Is this a reflection upon their spiritual development? I think not! To think otherwise is to imply judgement, and I don’t see how that is appropriate or necessary.

So what is the answer? Why is suffering so evident? How is it possible to have ones Higher Self manifest and then contract disease that threatens ones physical existence? Women and men of spirit, down through the ages, have cried out to their Gods with this question and it would seem there are as many answers as there are people asking the question. I don’t think I have an answer at the moment and I really would value the thoughts, ideas, and feelings of those further along the path than myself.

I wonder whether it really is a simple case of the divine spark within each of us being capable of a process of evolution through meditation, ritual, pathworking and encounter with Source, whilst the human vehicle is frail and susceptible to aging, pain and suffering and death as experienced by all things on this plane of existence, Suffering, it would seem, as Buddhists discovered long ago, is at the centre of everything and is maintained by our buying into dependence upon that which we experience through the limited human senses. The answer lies, it would seem, in the evolution of our soul, and our commitment and dedication to this process.

Restriction

I think most of you know that I start each week by turning 3 Tarot cards, and I use these 3 cards as a focus for my meditations for the week. I interpret each card with the other and use them as a kind of spiritual life coaching. It's a way that I am used to opening to Deity and through them I feel Deity speaks right into the heart of me. It's something I've done for some time now, it's even got to the stage where I am wondering whether I should begin to tweak and alter the way I spend time with Them before each day truly begins. It's something I've pondered for some time, but, for the moment at least, this is how I have been working.

This week the cards have been tough, and have challenged me to the core. I know that I've been growing of late, I have a real sense of spiritual development and I am aware of growing stronger, and closer to Source. However, this week there has been a strong word from the Lord and Lady of how I need to move forward if I am to continue this path and grow ever closer to Them.

These words are timely, as they have come with the arrival of Autumn Equinox. A time of growing introspection, a time of taking stock, gathering in, not retreating, but recognising growth and also doing some final husbandry. The cards this week have all been about this.

To be honest, and honesty and transparency is one the aims of my blog, I don't seek to present myself as something I am not, when I looked at them I groaned! I so wanted something lovely and fluffy, but no, not this time! I spoke of Air on my last entry, and Air can cut like a knife, a chilling blast that can separate flesh from the bone, and something of that blast has hit me with the cards this week.

Restriction has come up a lot for me this past year, and this week the cards have spoken of this once again. Restriction, but combined with self limiting, negative thought patterns, so the restriction comes not from external sources, but from within. There is something here around developing a keener, more attuned concentration, and a learning to filter out the negative rubbish that my chattering mind can bombard me with at times, and really see myself as I truly am. I've embraced so much of my True Self in recent months, and this is the truth about me that I need to invest in and feed - if that makes sense. Not in some kind of blind denial, but in a real and genuine intention to allow the light of my Higher Self to pervade all of me.

My trust and confidence in myself as a spiritual and magickal being has really grown in recent months, but the Lord and Lady have caused me to pause this week and check out, once again, just where that confidence is placed - is it in what I see as a growing ability, or is it in my relationship with Them. Relationship is part of the core of my spiritual path, and there has been something of a gentle reminder this week.

But then I turned the Tower, and to be honest, that floored me somewhat, as it's a card that has often spoken to me of destruction of something that I have been building, perhaps due to going off course. It momentarily confused me. As I paused and listened to the voice of the Lord and Lady I began to hear what it was they were saying, especially as I read the cards together, as they should be read. The message here was simple - don't underestimate my own intrinsic power. There was something here of taking up my own personal responsibility, but in way that recognises my own ability to create, and destroy, to build up, or to knock down - and this includes myself. As a spiritual and magickal being I create my own reality, I forge my own way ahead, so I cannot always point the finger when things go wrong, rather I have to examine myself, and see what it was about me, within me or of me that allowed that to happen - how did I leave myself open to that attack? If attack indeed it was. If something is not the way I want it or the way I think it should be, if it's causing an internal conflict or causing me to behave in a way or a manner that is not of my own true self, then something isn't right and I need to make it right, but I make it right not from some kind of brutal force, or effort, but from stepping into my rightful place on the web, and from operating from my true will - stepping into who I am.

So my restriction, my internal conflicts, my mind games, my mental conflicts come from me and my responses. It's a further and deeper call to see Source in and of all things and to respond accordingly, not from this body, this ego, but from my own true self.

This is a real challenge, a tough call, but it's part of the call to the deeper things of spirit.