Children of the God’s

This has been a good week in terms of friends challenging me on various topics, yet these topics have had a couple of themes running through them: what do I actually believe and where is my place in the Universe? Good challenges to have and challenges that demand a response. The more that time passes the more uncomfortable I find it to live in a place of fuzziness. Increasingly I need clarity and anything else just seems to land me in a place of treading treacle.

I have become more convinced than ever that as human beings we are indeed Children of the God’s. I say this as I am really beginning to appreciate that we are souls on an evolutionary journey, choosing to rake this incarnation in humanity as part of our journey back to the Godhead. We don’t just have a spark of the Divine within us; we are a reflection of the Divine, part of the One Divine Life. We are Divine. We will one day, from one lifetime, travel home to the Godhead, or we may live as Ascended Masters, this I don’t fully understand as yet, and this is also many lifetimes away. At this point, for me, suffice to know that we are on that path, on that journey and that our own and our fellow human beings evolution is what actually matters, in the here and now.

Growing up in a Christian family and as an adult spending a number of years living within what I today openly and confidently describe as various Christian cults I was taught to think nothing of myself. I was taught to see myself as a doormat. Indeed, at a Bible College I attended for a number of years we actually had lectures on ‘being a doormat for Christ’ from a man who was an esteemed Christian speaker called Campbell McAlpine. I was taught that we had nothing of ourselves as whatever we did have was evil, worthless and of no consequence.

I now see that what we actually have is everything, yet this everything is housed in a body that has its own desires. These desires are not evil, they are not wrong, and to indulge them is neither evil nor wrong. There is, however, an issue of control, of who is in charge, and this is another subject I guess! Suffice to say that the answer lies in knowing ones true will and experiencing ones true connection to the Divine. When one is clear on ones path and ones connection then the issue of who is controlling who ceases to be relevant as all becomes clear.

But this entry is not about the body and the soul, I’ve talked about this before. This is more about the soul and my relationship with the One Divine Life.

I have been raised to see myself as nothing, as something small and insignificant, but now I see that I am indeed a Giant! I am a Giant because of I am part of the Whole, part of Source, not just an aspect of, but integral to the Divine. I am from and as my God’s. My soul cries to the heavens as my body celebrates this world and this life.

Key to this, I am convinced, is understanding our own true will. This is more than understanding our calling; this is more than understanding our purpose. I think it has to be about knowing and understanding, at a profound and revealed level, the will of our soul in this moment in time in this incarnation. It’s about our dynamic relationship with the One Divine Life. It’s about our God Self, our individuation, our encounter, even, with our Holy Guardian Angel. I can’t claim to have experienced that level of initiation as yet, but increasingly it’s a level to which I am drawn. This experience has to be central to fully moving from the small to the Giant experience.

I was before. I have lived many lives. My soul has been on and is on a journey, not just of education, but an evolutionary experience, bringing in that which needs to be and must be and my time in this incarnation is but one aspect of that journey. Discovering my true will is intrinsically linked with knowing who I was before name and form, discovering my truth before I took this form, before I chose to spend this incarnation within this body.

Within our physical is our spiritual self. This spiritual self, this God Self, this person we were before name and form is from and of the God’s. It is this aspect that needs to assume supremacy and it is from here that we create our own reality. The things we feel, the thoughts we have and the words we speak all have creative force and create our own reality. This happens on a solitary all the way through to a national and even international level. We are the masters of our own destiny because we create that which we experience. As Children of the God’s we create our own experiences, our own reality and we can affect our future.

I fall into the trap, all too often, I am learning, of allowing experience to create my own reality as opposed to creating my own experience from my own reality. If I am a Child of the God’s then I create, I do not allow my reality to be created for me. I’m in charge! You can see how this is a complete reversal from all that I was taught when I was a member of various Christian Cults.

This is difficult stuff, and I don’t claim to have any answers at all at this moment in time. All I am writing about is the revelation into which I am entering at this moment in time; the reality that is hitting at this moment. As ever on my own spiritual journey it is for me to take this deeper and further in my own life and in my own experience.

I know that this is about meditation, spending time with my God’s, my Guides and my Ancestors. This is about my God Self getting bigger and truly learning to speak my truth as I stand in my true Power as a Child of the God’s. This is about me recognising my place as someone who stands between and travels between the worlds.

This is about me standing firm when the shit of everyday life is flying in all directions. At this moment I allow these experiences to derail me, to send me off course, to spend a few days or even weeks out of kilter and I lose all sense of connection. This is one negative aspect of walking a solitary path, but this is more than made up for in many other areas.

But all of what I speak comes not from physical effort or striving. It comes not from activity as such, but more from simply knowing our true birthright. It comes from really knowing who we were before name and form and who are. Who we truly are. It comes from that moment of revelation and living in that revelation. Staying in that place is both simple and complex. It also demands a choice and in a sense it does come from a place of surrender.

We can influence and steer micro and macro life events, but we steer in connection with our own true will. Knowing our true course and the course we travel, just as the stars of the heavens travel their own course. They stick to their course, just as I should remain with mine, fulfilling the truth of my own true will without deviation. It’s a tough call! As we all play our part, so we inform the greater human consciousness and as such we can bring the One Divine Will to bear on international events.

The reality is that as Children of the God’s, we create. I guess the question is what am I currently manifesting? I think the honest answer to that is that I’ve probably been creating too much negativity in recent times. I need to remedy this. But this remedy is way above that of simplistic affirmations, it’s about affirmations that come from a place of depth, a place of true Divine revelation and spiritual reality that flows from a genuine connection and expression of my own true will.

We see, we feel, we think, we speak, we make it happen. My words bring forth reality; they create my own reality and lay before me my own destiny.

I may have been raised to see, think, feel and speak as a dwarf, but I am in fact a spiritual Giant.

We all are.

Change

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”

This famous quote made by Charles Darwin and the theme of change has been resonating with me for some time. It seems that on every level of my life, both internally and externally, change is afoot, and what is also interesting is that it is happening almost irrespectively of my engagement with it. It is happening, regardless, and the call to me is to move and allow the change to work what it needs to work within me.

And as change happens in the ‘mundane’ (although I don’t like to use that term) so it happens, and has to happen, on the spiritual plane. My path is a path of transformation, one of the evolution of my soul, In order to grow in the understanding of the dynamic of my own True Will so I have to open myself to change, to powerful transformation . . . to growth.

And this growth can be painful, as can all change. The transformative path I am walking is leading me deeper into appreciating that the call is to know the Will of my Soul, and to lay down the will of the ego. The clash and the battle at the centre of this can be immense. In some ways this internal tension is being played out at all levels around me at the moment, from structural and organisational changes at work, to changes with my own health, health struggles being experienced by my dearest friend, to changes in family dynamics and relationships through to changes in other interpersonal relationships. It’s everywhere and the changes I see externally simply work to mirror those that are taking place – or demanding to take place, within. If I am to listen to the quote above by Darwin, my response to this internal change is significant.

So what is my own true will? I’ve asked this question again and again on this blog, but I see that this is a question that I will continually ask because my own true will is dynamic and changing and not static. It has to be dynamic because change is constant in that it is constantly working to bring me nearer to fully understanding and appreciating the nature of my true will.

As I understand my own true will today it is to fully know and experience my true connection with The All. That sounds very simplistic, but then it has to be simplistic if I am to summarise it one sentence. For me my own true will is about really stepping into that place where I take up my role as a cog in the Universe that supports true interconnection and that draws the power and energy of that connection into my core and thus see it radiated into the Earth and into the lives of others. Being one with The One Divine Life. Being one with the Universe, the Cosmos. Simply being part of Source.

So the path of transformation for me at the moment is about removing those ties that bind, that hold me back, that restrict and hinder my move forward. These may be physical things, things are ‘out there’ on this plane, and they may be internal things, things of the ego, things of the past, perhaps even things of past lives, things that need more than to be released, they need to be divested of their power and part of that is about me stopping acting and thinking in such ways that actually gives these restrictive binds their power.

And this is why connection with spirit of place and with ancestors is important for me at the moment, because I see what is happening is like a paring back to the simple – back to that which really matters, that which is of value, is of meaning and that will forward the work of truly knowing and achieving the nature of my own true will.

Even more simply own true will is to know my Gods and be as one and at one with them. To take up my part in the Dance of Life and dance my steps at the right time and in time. To hear the beat and the rhythm and to dance accordingly no matter who or what is watching. To do this I need to do more than listen to the music, I need to become part of the music.

Imbolc Celebrations

I was up at 0630 this morning as I dearly wanted to climb Glastonbury Tor. I’ve mentioned many times that I love the Tor, it really is one of my most special places, and because it’s local to me (about 45 minutes away) getting there is not difficult. It’s such a great ‘high place’ and one of those places where ‘the spirit of place’ is just so tangible. Modern day historians cast doubt on whether Glastonbury Tor really was a place of pagan worship, and I recognise the validity of their arguments, but for me, the fact that many modern day pilgrims climb this place, with their intentions set, and the fact that so many rituals and ceremonies take place here ensures that the Tor is imbued with spiritual energy. The most spiritually resistant of people could not fail to sense the energy that radiates from this place.

I love the idea that the Tor is home to Gwyn ap Nudd and this is often the energy I connect with when I’m standing atop the Tor. I appreciate that this is the stuff of myth and legend, but it’s something that works for me. I find the Tor a place of real and deep grounding, and as my roots travel deep into the Tor I know I am in the place of the Dark womb, the place of transformation. In that sense I often experience the Tor as the key to the Underworld, and Gwyn ap Nudd is there as its keeper. As I said yesterday, it’s impossible to avoid this crucial aspect, we have to tarry in the Dark if we are ever to know the reality of Light.

However, a clear message spoke directly to my heart this morning, and that was to truly walk into the Light. It was a clear message and I felt something of a prod from Gwyn ap Nudd. It was almost as if he was saying that he was fed up with me hanging around in his territory and that he was booting me out! Yes, I’ll return, but a clear, resounding message that I had spent too long in the Dark and now it was time to embrace the Light trumpeted in my ears and soul. Gwyn ap Nudd is not to be messed with, and I felt his foot making contact with my backside and out into the Light went I!

It’s interesting that I find this a challenge, but I do. Some may shy from the Dark, but this aspect for me feels more comfortable that believing I have a right and a place in the Light. Believing that I am worthy is a huge challenge, and that I have a place and a right to stand as a Light of the World provides an even greater challenge. The kick out of the Underworld came as no surprise and now the challenge is to explore my place in this new world as Imbolc turns to Equinox.

Why is it a challenge? I think the challenge is on many fronts. It is, as I say above, a thing of appreciating my value, my worth, my will and my place, but it is also a thing of dedication. The Light is not a ‘love and light’ fluffy thing, but a challenge to growth. It is a test of dedication, of commitment and a challenge to throw ones hat in the ring and truly be who I was called to be before name and form. There is no place to hide in the Light, no dark corner, for the Light pervades all. It’s about being prepared to stand, to be counted, to rise up and be who I truly am. And I feel this challenge most acutely.

After breakfast I moved on the ceremony at White Spring. What a fantastic place, and what a marvellous job people have done in the redesign of the White Spring. The energy in this place is fantastic and the energetic fusion is palpable.

As we welcomed the Light, carried by Brighid, back into the world and into our lives, you can imagine, appreciating all that had gone before, my internal dialogue with the One Divine Life! As people spoke of Brighid I also connected with my own Patron Goddess, Sulis, Mother of Water and Fire, both so evident in this sacred place. As Fire and Water come together change is the only result, and I felt the calling and challenge for change within me.

Yet as people honoured Deity I was only too aware of the message and challenge to embrace my own Divinity. I have spoken of this before on these pages, yet there is something here that I have not truly entered into as yet. The challenge to an ex-Christian to even contemplate that I may be part of the One Divine Life is incredible – but that is because the Christian does not understand this reality. Poems were read, from such lovely people, and many spoke of this truth . . . know you not that you are part of Source. The Divine being that we celebrate, that we love, and that we call too and honour is not only within you but IS you!

A chap sang a most moving song at the White Spring. What is odd is that I couldn’t tell you thing about the content of this song now, but what shone through for me as he sang, beyond the words, was the wonder of connection. Oh how trite that word has become, but how powerful it is when one truly takes time to actually consider what it truly means! I was beaming at him as he sang, I couldn’t help it and I couldn’t stop it!

The power and strength of this reality hit home to me as we walked through the door from the White Spring into Chalice Well. If moving into the Light is about embracing our true Divine heritage, our true Divine Self, then the power of that is immense. It’s not a lightweight thing, how can it be? To say that we are all connected, not just with each other, but with The All, and not just like some kind of genealogical thing, but in the sense of being part of . . . being AS the Divine Life, then this is really powerful stuff. Yet I know and sense this to be true. Within my very being is part of the One Divine Life. My body will fail and crumble, but just as surely as nothing ever dies, that which is Divine within will also never die. I want this truth to shift from knowledge to living reality within me.

The time spent around the Wellhead was special for me only because of part of a poem spoken by a guy who was truly channelling the Divine. I was caught up in the excitement and wonder of the words that flowed from him as they underlined and magnified all that I write of above. It’s time to honour my true Divinity and to move in the power of that.

Do I sound arrogant? I can see how I may come across that way, but I do not write in arrogance. If anything, I write almost in fear at what this really means. I am also painfully aware that what I speak of is probably akin to that which Dion Fortune called Initiation, that moment where it is the Higher Self, the God Self, that radiates from one’s eyes. I am well aware that I am not at that point, as yet. I am a Seeker, a person who seeks Initiation, but at the same time I am more than aware of the road that I need to travel before I reach that point. In that sense the words I write speak as much of aspiration as they do revelation.

Together with this today was special because I connected with friends, both old and new, and loved the fact that a glance exchanged could communicate a thousand words.

A special day indeed!

Rootedness

I, like you and many others I am sure, have been to countless ceremonies where one has been encouraged to visualise ones roots descending deep into the earth from the soles of ones feet. I’ve been taken through this so many times it’s almost become hackneyed, but in recent days this is something that has started to take on a greater and more powerful meaning for me. It’s starting to become real. I say starting as I feel that I am taking further steps into a deeper and more profound experience of what it means to truly be of the Earth, yet also of the celestial heavens.

We do not have to ‘get back’ to Nature because we ARE Nature! This truth is something I constantly have to remind myself of when the pressures of living in this incarnation seems to cause me to take my eye off the ball and I feel that I have lost that sense of connection. I haven’t lost it at all – the roots of Nature People are not suddenly cut off when other things rush in an attempt to seize our consciousness, any more than walking would snap them off. They are always there, travelling deep into the very heart of the Earth. And the fire that is found at the Earths core also travels through our veins. Nature, the wonder and the mystery of life, death and rebirth, this Earth, the Great Mother, is part of us and in us as we are in Her and of Her. We are from the dust of the Earth and we are touched by the hand of the One Divine Life just as all Nature is the Divine made manifest.

There is an art to being able to step back and shift ones consciousness, even whilst engaged in what seems to be the most stressful aspects of ones working life, and re-entering that area of consciousness that allows us not to reconnect, but to once again become aware of the reality of that continual connection; our rootedness. It is a constant, we just need to move into the awareness of that fact. I don’t claim to have mastered this, I don’t claim to be any kind of expert, I am just beginning to discover, however, that this is a truth that I can fully enter into. Our roots travel deep and wide into the heart of the Earth, just like a tree. We are not some flimsy seedling, we are as the most mighty of trees with roots the depth and strength of which cannot be overestimated. We are HUGE!

Yet at the same time we are filled with light from the One Divine Life, filled with the light from the One where Being comes from Unbeing. Our Higher Self can radiate from our physical eyes. From the void the One Divine Life flows into our Kingdom, this earthly, physical existence and brings life and I am filled with Divine Light. A child of Nature in my physical existence, a Son of the Gods in Spirit. My soul sings to the One Divine Life for I am of Them, yet my body celebrates and glories in being a Child of Nature. This is not a situation of conflict, but a wondrous union, a sacred mystery, a magical celebration. This is something of power. And as all Creation flows from Unbeing so I can bring into reality that which resonates with the Divine Will, for as above so below.

This is the true wonder of Oneness, of interconnectedness, and it comes from moving out of Ego into the reality of our Divine Relationship. Leaving attachment and moving into our God-Self. This is a process, an evolution, and I am a Learner in every sense of the word, yet I sense the reality of this and my intention is to move ever deeper into the truth of who I am.

My roots travel deep into the Earth, yet I am filled with Inner Light that flows from the One Divine Life and I am of and in that One Divine Life and both aspects resonate with the mystery of creation.

Reflections

Firstly, I genuinely want to thank each and every one of you who has sent messages of support in recent weeks, either here on my blog, via Facebook or directly in email. The encouragement and hope that I have experienced through your support and kindness has been immeasurable and my thanks and gratitude are heartfelt. You have shown, in your kind words, the truth that within each of us there is that Divine Spark and that through this we are all truly connected. When one hurts, we know and we respond by way of reaching out in love. This is not some fluffy sentimental thing, but a powerful demonstration of the love that flows from the One Divine Life. You have shown that to me in some measure, and for that I thank you.

I’m sat here at my PC writing this post in Word in font 26 and then I’ll copy and paste it into my blog – I just hope that works! I actually can’t even see this font size with any clarity as yet, so I hope that what I am typing actually makes some kind of sense! I am sorry, but as yet I am not in a physical position where I can read or respond to your blogs. I think it will be the end of April before I am able to do so. Please don’t think I’m ignoring you, I’m just not able to physically read at the moment.

Not being able to read or write following my eye surgery has been something of a frustration to say the least, this severe limitation upon my day to day living has thrown me upon others in a way that has deeply challenged my need for independence. My partner could not have been any more supportive, he’s been loving and wonderful, but whilst this has been a joy for me, it has also been something of a challenge. Allowing someone to do something for you, however basic that thing may be, starts from believing that you are worthy of ‘doing for’, if that makes any sense. And herein lies one of the lessons that I’ve been learning in recent weeks – an age old lesson that keeps coming back to me in various ways and in various degrees; one of truly believing my own self worth. Accepting and embracing my intrinsic value, believing that I am worthy of love, love from others, and love from the Divine. It’s a lesson that I thought I had learned many years ago, but I’ve seen that it’s actually one that we go on learning through our experience of this incarnation, and as we go on learning it so it travels deeper into our conscious and deeper in our soul, taking our soul ever forward on its evolutionary journey.

I am loved. Say it. Say it out loud. Look at your reflection in a mirror and say it out loud. Do you believe it? I have come to see, yet again, that I am indeed loved and held in the palm of the hand of the Divine. I am learning to trust that love and to move in the power of that love, to allow that vibrant energy to truly course through my veins and to move in the truth of what it means. Being catapulted into this however momentary experience of dependence has shown me, by way of the sudden and abrupt removal of many of my everyday supports and crutches that I can trust myself to the One Divine Life and that this One Divine Life truly manifests within me and surrounds me.

This realisation has come by way of struggle, resistance and fight! There were indeed things – thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behaviour patterns, call them what you will, that were holding me in a position of restriction, holding me back from my own spiritual growth and development and through having so much that I take for granted on a day by day basis removed, I was forced to look at things anew, and to allow a greater work to take place within me. I am in a far more secure place in terms of my relationship with the Divine as a result of truly waking up to the fact that the greatest limitations and restrictions I place upon myself exist in my own mind and heart. These can present as old concepts, ideas and practices that when unchallenged keep us in some kind of false place. I am starting to challenge many of these things. I can connect with all the powers within the universe, indeed, all the powers of the universe exist within me, so there are no limitations, there are no restrictions. I am now on a journey of truly moving into the realisation of this truth. It will be a lifetimes journey, I am sure, one of continual revelation, realisation and experience, a continual unfolding of truth and deeper truth, and one that will take me to many new places, much of which I will share here over time.

So this period of time has been one of a profound growing experience. It is one that has seen me travel to a very dark and depressed place, but one that has seen me rise up from there renewed, refreshed, challenged, and eager to move on spiritually in a very real and meaningful way.

I seek to grow and develop as a man of Spirit and as a man of Magick. I seek to deepen my connection with the One Divine Life by following the path that is right for me and through this commitment to deepen and intensify my relationship with the Divine. To know even as I am fully known. The Western Mystery Tradition continues to open up before me as the right path to follow, but I can’t claim to fully understand or appreciate all that this means at this moment in time. All I can do is respond to the call of the One Divine Life and place my feet one step in front the other as I move forward into a new place and a new experience.

May all beings be happy!
May all beings be joyful!
May all beings be in peace!

The Lesson of the Mole

I can't believe that it's been a week since I posted here, but sure enough, it is indeed a week since I've updated this blog. I'm not happy about that, but it's simply a sign of the times. Last week was a tough week work-wise, seeing me starting early and finishing late most days, and even with the additional hours put in, there is still a pile of work waiting to be done, with more being added all the time.

So today, I took myself out for a quiet pilgrimage to two of my most favourite places - Glastonbury Tor and Chalice Well. Regular readers of this blog will know that I visit these places often; living so close is a blessing of which I never become complacent. For me, today was about pursuing the movement that I spoke about in my blog of last week, testing it out, seeing what it means, where I need to place my feet. I didn't expect revelations, what I was looking for was some kind of inner knowledge of what needs to happen next to make this movement possible.

Movement and change surround me. Work-wise there is structural change taking place once again, with a plan of massive service change that will be take place in about 18months to 2 years, which will, of necessity, result in further structural change. Within 24 hours of hanging the picture I show in my post of last week I was confronted with the need to make an important work related decision, one that has the potential to affect my future in a number of ways.

Driving to Glastonbury this morning I was pleased to be alone. My work is all about people, be them staff or service users, and as such voices surround me all the time. Much as I enjoy working with people, today was very much about much needed time for me, away from noise, chatter, and clutter. I was making sacred space. As I turned a corner and the Tor, shrouded by mist with the tower just visible, came into view, the first of a number of experiences occurred - I cried! I wasn't expecting that and I can't say that I was feeling particularly sad, but clearly there was emotion there that needed expression and tears flowed freely as I smiled at the familiar and beautiful Somerset Levels, with the Tor standing tall and majestic. The energy from this sacred site was such that it drew emotion from me, releasing pent up feelings of frustration and confusion, cleansing and throwing out useless emotional clutter that wasn't serving me and that was hindering renewal. This was a deeper work of space clearing.

Climbing the Tor was harder work, physically, than normal. I don’t know why, perhaps it had something to do with the vegan chocolate cake I made yesterday in which I omitted to put enough baking soda! (note to self: read recipes thoroughly)!

As I reached the top of the Tor I walked to my favourite spot, stood, closed my eyes and became aware of my inner immortal spirit. I focused upon my true reality, the fact that I am spirit incarnated in flesh. I called to Source and saw my spirit intertwined with Source, like a huge silver cord travelling to the very heavens, bound together, wrapped up in one another, inseparable, and connected, one and the same. I’ve never seen this picture quite like this before, but it was clear, the cord was huge, massive, and it twisted and turned its way from the very core of me to the very highest heavens. I was aware of voices and movement of people around me, but nothing could break the power of this moment. This was a reminder of the strength, the power, and the unbreakable nature of my connection with Source.



Freedom was also a theme of my quiet meditation. In my minds eye I saw a huge bird flying toward me, expecting this to be an owl, my usual magickal bird, I was surprised to notice that it was, in fact, a Peregrine Falcon, swooping at great speed, revelling in the freedom of the wide open space that it enjoyed. I was conscious of my spirit longing for this same sense of freedom and aware that my own physical tent, this body that houses my immortal spirit can feel like something of a trap at times.

My consciousness was then taken to the little mole hills that were appearing around the Tor and here was the final lesson of today. These little hills of fresh soil were testimony of a huge amount of work going on, underground. Little, insignificant piles of soil concealing an industry of energy and effort taking place below by such a small creature. Here was the lesson in my stepping toward this need for movement – preparation. So much of our pagan world can be lost is show. The best robes, being seen in the right places, knowing the right people, the outer show, yet what is vital is the work that is happening within, and sometimes the outer evidence of this may be a simple little hill of soil, but underneath the personality is being prepared for that on-going process of initiation, whereby huge and significant changes are taking place, all in preparation for a new and dynamic phase of being. Encounters with Spirit, with Source, have to affect change, if they are real and genuine, and true freedom, true liberation, and true initiation are result.

The snow of recent weeks has had the effect of bringing the nation to a standstill, and we could be forgiven for thinking that in the face of Nature, we are powerless. Indeed, this was my first thought, but again today I have seen that this is not the case, because we are as much part of Nature as the snow itself, and that when the human mind, in true connection with its inner self, connects with the Divine Mind and picks up the message from the Divine Mind, we can bring anything into being. It may take some considerable time, but we are not powerless, we are more powerful that we may care to realise. Just like the little Mole, who builds tunnels and makes an incredible world beneath the soil, so we, when we connect with the Divine Will, can also bring into being things that are truly amazing.

So, as I walk towards this next phase of being, my call is to prepare, to put in the spadework, to strengthen and deepen my connection with Source and to step into my true calling.

The other things that are bothering me at the moment will then fall into place and become clear. I just need to shift my attention to that which is truly important.

Snow Thoughts

Today I spent sometime walking around the village in the snow and I took my camera with me, just to make a little video of my home village looking both romantic and magickal, I hope you like it!



As I was walking I was reminded of the wise words The Green Witch posted recently when she spoke of the need for silence. It’s something I’ve been mindful of for some time, and I think I’ve written of it in the past. It’s crucial that I stop and listen to myself, to my own inner voice. Remember;

if that which you seek,
you find not within yourself,
you will never find it without

So I need to take time to stop, to look, and to listen to that voice within, that voice which is the voice of my own immortal soul, the voice of my own divinity, my voice that is of Source and is Source for;

We are stardust, we are golden

And

Know ye not that ye are gods

And therefore this is the truth within which I must walk.

The voice that I listen to is the voice of the One Divine Mind, that voice that resonates from the starry heavens to my very soul, for we are One. I just need to take time to listen and to step into the truth of that reality – a truth and reality that already exists.

Walking in the snow seems to bring with it such a profound silence. All is still, and this was so evident today. Occasionally I happened upon children playing, and this only served to show me that the distractions in life may often appear innocent and enjoyable, but if they cut off that connection, if they provide a blockage as opposed to an open channel, then they are of little use.

In recent days I have taken stock of how far I have travelled. I can look back and see my own footprints in the snow and I can see just how far back they go. I have travelled a long way indeed. At times such as these, however, I wonder just how much I have actually learned during the course of such a journey! Right now as I feel myself moving into a new phase I feel the need for a teacher as I have a sense of needing signposts for this next phase upon my journey.

Perhaps that’s just sense of apprehension as I move into a new phase. Most of my spiritual revelation and learning has come from my own time alone with the Divine, and perhaps this is how it is meant to be. We’ll see, whatever happens and whatever my course, I know I’m turning a new and fresh corner, and my footprints in the snow lie behind me, not ahead.

What Is My Path?

It’s been a few days since I’ve posted, but this hasn’t been because I’ve fallen into inactivity or procrastination! Mind you, both things have been enemies of mine in the past, and I am mindful of the different guises they assume with which to lure me!

I have a feeling this is going to turn into one of my rambling posts! Apologies! I just feel a need to summarise my journey to date, as I have a need to declare where I am here and now. Obviously, I’m leaving loads of detail out, just for the sake of space and to save you, dear reader, from pure and guaranteed boredom! I just have a need to make this post another significant marker, which for me, at the moment, is the main purpose of this journal. I hope that in some small way this post will also provide an essence of who I am and what I’m about. I feel it’s timely.

This was confirmed when I read one of Seshat’s recent posts. She writes in a way that often touches my spirit and soul, and this confirmed to me that I needed to make this entry.

As I have said in recent entries, things have been happening for me of late that have moved me on, spiritually, and there are doors opening for me, and I’m both excited and nervous about these things. I have a real sense of anticipation and expectation. There are many things changing around me, professionally, personally and spiritually, and some of these changes will be a constant, I just need to go with them for the time being, whilst other changes I need to take control of, magickally speaking.

I have been walking a pagan path for some years, but I think it’s true to say that probably half of that time I was walking a somewhat ‘fluffy’ path. I don’t say that disrespectfully, I think perhaps many of us come to our paths this way, it’s only with reflection that I see my time then was one of walking into awareness, step by step. This is why I don’t criticise those who seem ‘fluffy’ to me, although at times I may feel irked by them, especially when I feel their fluffiness is being inflicted upon me! I don’t criticise, because it’s not for me to judge where they happen to be on their path. That’s for them to work out. Only they and their Gods know where they are at this point upon their journey. It’s none of my business.

Recently I’ve felt a need to define my path anew. Not that it’s changed, as such, rather there has been something of an evolution, the result of my own spiritual development over time. I’ve felt the need for this redefinition only because I have felt a need to declare my Own True Will – the purpose I was placed here, in this incarnation, at this moment in time. My recent growth has been a result of study together with application and a heart that truly seeks to connect with the One Divine Life and to bring this connection to others, in whatever form they are ready to experience it at the point of development they themselves are at. I feel that is my True Will.

My background is one of fundamental Christianity. I mean the real Charismatic, speaking in tongues, healing the sick and raising the dead type. I even attended an evangelical/charismatic bible college in a bid to ‘get closer to God’ but none of this met that genuine sense of longing and healing I was experiencing within. Indeed, attending the bible college almost destroyed me, because all it showed me was that God found me, as a gay man, and someone who found this patriarchal presentation of religion difficult and uncomfortable, detestable. I was also seeking healing for my visual impairment. I was rejected by the Divine – or so it felt to me at the time, as none of this came to pass. I left the college empty, more empty than I had arrived.

In time I was thrown out of the Christian Church, because of my sexuality, and thrown out of the town, because my parents, pillars of the local charismatic church, felt me to be possessed of the devil. This, as you can imagine, sent my life into turmoil.

After a process of many life events, I moved into a kind of spiritual no-man’s-land, a kind of agnosticism that was pure self indulgence and which resulted in spiritual death – and potentially physical death, such was my carefree abandon. I just lived for myself. At the end of this period I was left with a real gaping whole within that was longing for spiritual fulfilment.

However, the One Divine Life had not let go of me, or my calling. And I do feel that I have a calling, dramatic and over the top as that may sound. I’ve wandered down too many blind alleys to count, but the fact is, the hand of the Divine always brings me back, and in these past few years I’ve found myself in a place I’ve never felt possible. This all began with my eyes being opened to the wonder of nature – or more correctly, Nature. I began to see that my years of searching, this desperate need to feel a sense of ‘belonging’ was futile, because I was seeking that which already existed – I WAS CONNECTED! That connection already existed, it was there, unbroken and vital, and this was such a sense of revelation and joy as I moved into the truth and the reality of this connection.

In time this led me to people who were practising a form of Goddess spirituality locally. I thought that I had found my spiritual home, but in time this proved not to be the case. I think some people there found a gay man – a man who loved and had sex with men – in the middle of a Goddess movement, difficult to handle. I don’t think they knew what to do with me or what to make of me! I don’t say this with any criticism towards any of the sincere and lovely people there at all. I loved many of them, but I think I was ahead of their time in some ways in that my mere presence perhaps challenged them in too many ways. That sounds arrogant and I don’t mean it that way, I just mean that as many of them were working out their own relationships with men, a man who openly professed to being gay forced them into a place that perhaps they were not ready for at that point in their own journey. I felt it right to withdraw from that particular expression of that movement and chose not to dedicate at the end of my first years training. It was the right decision; time has shown that to be the case.

This led me to concentrating and practicing my own solitary practice and it is here that the fireworks really started! As I began, somewhat blindly and with huge ignorance in many ways, to practice my own solitary pagan practice, embracing both the Divine Feminine and Masculine, it was like Source spoke directly into my life – honestly, it felt that powerful. Within my own practice my connection with the One Divine Life was realised and I dedicated myself to Sulis, Goddess of the hot healing springs of Bath (a local city) and to the Lord of the Wildwood. Opening myself to them began a process whereby their qualities began to manifest within me and I was enthralled within my pagan spiritual practice. I love my patron Goddess, and Her connection and energy in my life is a real and constant Truth, The Lord of the Wildwood has shown me what it is to be truly divinely masculine, and to Him I am both thankful and grateful. I have also made connection with a number of Guides and I have worked closely with my ancestors. All of this has led, as you can imagine, to real personal spiritual development.

However, of late, things have moved on, to an extent that at times provides great clarity, but at others throws me into confusion, and it is because of this that I feel a need to define my path. Not to put me into some kind of spiritual package or false bondage and restriction, but in a bid to express where it is I am coming from of late.

Flowing from recent happenings within my own spiritual practice I have found myself drawn to a more magickal expression of my spirituality. This has led some to describe me as a Magician, but this is a title I do not feel worthy to accept and neither do I feel it appropriate. I say this for a number of reasons. One, I know very little of Magick, although I am reading and studying for all I am worth. Also, I have a very real sense of my devotion to my Gods, and this relationship is powerful and real to me. As Seshat says in her post, Magick to me is a genuine gift from my Gods – an outworking of that dynamic relationship.

Boy, I am rambling today, I am sorry! I just need to get this down!

So this combination of a real and genuine pagan practice, that has been so personally powerful for me, and a progressing magickal element to this practice, has been confusing me. How do I combine the two? What does this make me? Am I turning into a ‘pick and mix’ pagan – something that I have never, ever, wanted to be? Have I finally lost the plot somewhere?!? Have I finally lost my very last marble?!?

All I can say is that my connection with the term ‘Hedge Witch’ has never felt more real and genuine. Yes, I am experimenting with Magick. Yes, some of Crowley’s writings have inspired me in ways that the written word has never done before. But, so have the writings of Dion Fortune. Another conundrum!

My path is one of combining the spiritual celebration of my connection with my Gods, with the magickal outworking of that relationship. In truth, right now, I’ve no idea how the fruits of this relationship will express themselves, all I know is, this is the path I am walking today. I am in the ever constant state of Becoming. This is my present home!

As for doors opening, I was walking down Glastonbury High Street the other day, and in a shop window was a very inconspicuous note asking for people to join a reading group exploring the works of Dion Fortune. My heart was in my mouth, and I signed up! I go to the first meeting this week, and this is what I mean about new doors opening, I don’t know where this is going to take me ... but I’m walking through the door!

I am Becoming!

There . . . I've Said It!

So much of my spiritual practice has been speaking to me of True Self in recent months, and my reading has also been reaffirming that which I have been learning direct from Spirit. To say this is exciting has to be the understatement of the century, but once again, this week, my reading has affirmed what I have been receiving directly from Source. I never cease to be amazed that in my own spiritual practice I hear the words of the One Divine Life.

I have a feeling that this entry is going to be one of the most important posts I’ve ever made. Blimey, doesn’t that sound dramatic? Trust me, I don’t mean to be a Spiritual Diva! What I’m simply doing is laying this post down as a significant marker in my spiritual and magickal development. Remember, the main aim of this blog is to act as something of a spiritual diary for me. What is wonderful, truly wonderful, is that I can share this journey with you, those who choose, for whatever reason, to read this spiritual journal. I treasure the fact that you do that, and make comments along the way, more than you can possibly imagine. I’m not a teacher, I’m not an expert, I’m not learned, I’m not a scholar, I’m not a spiritual or pagan leader of any kind, I’m simply a Seeker, a man hungry for both spiritual truth and spiritual experience, and this blog aims to simply track my own journey through the rough and the smooth, the valleys and the peaks. So when I say that this is going to be one of the most significant posts I’ve ever made, I say that this is what it will be for me. For some, it may be old hat. I just feel that this week has been something of a breakthrough for me. I feel like a rock climber who has reached a new and hitherto unexplored peak. As I look up, I see many more peaks to ascend, I’m by no means at the top and I am aware, more than aware, that I have a very long way to go, but as I look down, I can see how far I have come, and this is such a source of joy and celebration in my heart tonight.

Why have I said all that? Because I know that this is my path, and therefore what I say here can only be about my own journey. We each walk our own path, and have to walk that path alone. I have said the above because this post can only be about what is real for me, and talk about where I am at this moment in time. That some of you find inspiration from my incoherent ramblings is a joy to me, but I am also very mindful that what I write here cannot be absolute truth, but it is my truth.

Of late I have been confused as to how Source can be both immanent and also transcendent, then I came upon this quote: “. . . having created the Universe with a fragment of Myself, I remain.” It’s taken from the Bhagavad Gita – and as I read these words I experienced what was like an explosion within me, seriously, it was that powerful. This is a concept that I’ve known in my heart to be true, but it’s not something that I’ve seen reflected elsewhere, and suddenly here it was, before me and I wanted to jump up and down and sing! Yes! Source – my Deity, is immanent, but is also transcendent. I’ve known it, known it for ever, but reading those words showed me that I was not alone.

With this I saw that my soul is a replica of the greater universe, as the greater universe is the macrocosm, so my soul is the microcosm, a replica of it. “As above, so below.” I am the little universe within the greater universe – and so are you! Here is Unity, spiritual, powerful Unity. The phrase “we are all one” is not some trite, fluffy comment, but a hugely powerful statement of truth. The awesome reality of this just blows me away. “There is no part of me that is not part of the Gods” and the reality of this is something that I feel I am getting my head, heart and soul around for what feels like the very first time. I understand it and have no concept of it all at the same time!

So I am not separate, not desperately seeking to establish my connection with Deity, with Source, but I am part of this wonderful Unity. I am a Son, a Child, of the Gods. It’s just incredible. As I read this week, ‘. . . I am a Child of the Earth, but my race is from the Starry Heavens.’

My Gods are all aspects of Source, of the Supreme, perfect channels of the Supreme Power, each bringing into my experience aspects of the One Divine Life. The rays of their essential being radiate within and from me.

And although I see much imperfection within myself, I know that the call is to ‘dissolve and reform’. I’ve mentioned this here so many times in recent weeks, but once again the reality of it has hit home this week. This self which I have been fooled into believing is really me over the years, is nothing but illusion. The me that is so easy to cling to, the me that I indulge and pamper is not me at all. This is the me that needs to dissolve, little death by little death, as this is simply a mask to the True Self. This illusion dissolves to allow the manifestation of my True Self, the Inner Light, my Higher Self. This is my True Self.

This unity with my True Self brings me into contact, albeit for a fleeting moment, with the spiritual reality that is truly me - My Higher Self. I am part of the One Divine Life, and the One Divine Life expresses itself, in part, through me, just as through all matter, as all matter is part of the One Divine Life and indeed is the One Divine Life.

My Higher Self is my Inner Ruler who will continue to guide me on my path, a path of bringing my manhood up, up into my Godhood and I say this because I now know that my true aim is to achieve that which has always been true, the ecstatic embrace of the Divine, which works to seal the truth that my inner spirit is Divine, is Deity, living within and part of this body. This Divine Spirit grows and permeates through more of me, as more of the illusion dissolves and dissipates.

Oh man, this is powerful and awesome stuff, so much so it leaves me breathless.

I will mess up, get it wrong, make mistakes, let people down, upset people, go down wrong turns and blind alleys, because I am human flesh, but this I know, the Spirit that resides within me is Divine, and you know what? That makes me Divine too. There’s been talk on a few blogs recently about whether we should embrace just the Goddess, or just the God, or both, but now I see it’s not a case of that. The reality is we are all Gods and Goddesses! We are part of the One Divine Life and as such we are the One Divine Life!

There, I’ve said it!

But I say it with such a degree of humility and wide eyed wonder that my words simply can’t begin to express what I feel within. I could dance all night long; I can’t express how exciting this is!

This makes so much sense, at least, to me. I hope that something here resonates with you.

(Reference ‘Magic’, W.E. Butler, ISBN 1-870450-50-7)

Restriction

I think most of you know that I start each week by turning 3 Tarot cards, and I use these 3 cards as a focus for my meditations for the week. I interpret each card with the other and use them as a kind of spiritual life coaching. It's a way that I am used to opening to Deity and through them I feel Deity speaks right into the heart of me. It's something I've done for some time now, it's even got to the stage where I am wondering whether I should begin to tweak and alter the way I spend time with Them before each day truly begins. It's something I've pondered for some time, but, for the moment at least, this is how I have been working.

This week the cards have been tough, and have challenged me to the core. I know that I've been growing of late, I have a real sense of spiritual development and I am aware of growing stronger, and closer to Source. However, this week there has been a strong word from the Lord and Lady of how I need to move forward if I am to continue this path and grow ever closer to Them.

These words are timely, as they have come with the arrival of Autumn Equinox. A time of growing introspection, a time of taking stock, gathering in, not retreating, but recognising growth and also doing some final husbandry. The cards this week have all been about this.

To be honest, and honesty and transparency is one the aims of my blog, I don't seek to present myself as something I am not, when I looked at them I groaned! I so wanted something lovely and fluffy, but no, not this time! I spoke of Air on my last entry, and Air can cut like a knife, a chilling blast that can separate flesh from the bone, and something of that blast has hit me with the cards this week.

Restriction has come up a lot for me this past year, and this week the cards have spoken of this once again. Restriction, but combined with self limiting, negative thought patterns, so the restriction comes not from external sources, but from within. There is something here around developing a keener, more attuned concentration, and a learning to filter out the negative rubbish that my chattering mind can bombard me with at times, and really see myself as I truly am. I've embraced so much of my True Self in recent months, and this is the truth about me that I need to invest in and feed - if that makes sense. Not in some kind of blind denial, but in a real and genuine intention to allow the light of my Higher Self to pervade all of me.

My trust and confidence in myself as a spiritual and magickal being has really grown in recent months, but the Lord and Lady have caused me to pause this week and check out, once again, just where that confidence is placed - is it in what I see as a growing ability, or is it in my relationship with Them. Relationship is part of the core of my spiritual path, and there has been something of a gentle reminder this week.

But then I turned the Tower, and to be honest, that floored me somewhat, as it's a card that has often spoken to me of destruction of something that I have been building, perhaps due to going off course. It momentarily confused me. As I paused and listened to the voice of the Lord and Lady I began to hear what it was they were saying, especially as I read the cards together, as they should be read. The message here was simple - don't underestimate my own intrinsic power. There was something here of taking up my own personal responsibility, but in way that recognises my own ability to create, and destroy, to build up, or to knock down - and this includes myself. As a spiritual and magickal being I create my own reality, I forge my own way ahead, so I cannot always point the finger when things go wrong, rather I have to examine myself, and see what it was about me, within me or of me that allowed that to happen - how did I leave myself open to that attack? If attack indeed it was. If something is not the way I want it or the way I think it should be, if it's causing an internal conflict or causing me to behave in a way or a manner that is not of my own true self, then something isn't right and I need to make it right, but I make it right not from some kind of brutal force, or effort, but from stepping into my rightful place on the web, and from operating from my true will - stepping into who I am.

So my restriction, my internal conflicts, my mind games, my mental conflicts come from me and my responses. It's a further and deeper call to see Source in and of all things and to respond accordingly, not from this body, this ego, but from my own true self.

This is a real challenge, a tough call, but it's part of the call to the deeper things of spirit.

"Dawn"

My partner and I went to a local antiques fair today, antiques being a real passion of his. I share this passion, but perhaps not to the same extent as he does, or shall I say his level of commitment to them is greater than mine in that he spends time researching and learning about his main areas of interest, whereas I simply enjoy their beauty and marvel at the craftsmanship each piece displays. This is simply because my time has to go towards work, and increasingly more importantly, towards learning and experiencing more about my spiritual path. One simply can’t do everything!


Today at the antique fair my attention was arrested by this picture, and I just had to share it with you, so I took a picture of it! It's not a very good picture - it's really hard to take photos of pictures because of the angle and because of the glass - but I'm sure this will give you a rough of idea of what it looks like.

This is a piece of art by Ivy Ruth Ellis. She was an artist who trained at the Birmingham School of Arts and Crafts and she worked mainly as a print maker using the woodcut, linocut and wood engraving techniques and she exhibited her work from 1920 – 1939.

When I saw this, I just stopped in my tracks! I couldn’t continue past the picture, I just had to stop and admire it. Something about it just drew me in, and I think it’s because as I looked at it I was caught up in the wonder and power of the moment the artist has captured here. The picture is called ‘Dawn’ and to me the figure here is worshipping the return of the new day, with all the wonder, hope, promise and inspiration it brings. Far more than that, here, somehow, is a celebration of connection with the elements of morning, new beginnings, spring – the element of Air, in the East. Air that brings us inspiration, ancient wisdom, creativity, clarity, discernment, the voice of Lord and Lady on the wind and within our core being. Air that brings the words and wisdom of our ancestors to us, Air that blows away the chaff, the nonsense, those things that no longer serve and separates the worthwhile from the worthless, sometimes with great force. The reality of this experience can be really rather painful.

In this picture my own sense of joy and celebration at not just the wonder of nature, but the reality of being part of Nature, at one with nature, connected to and connected with the secret source of power and energy of Nature, is captured. The joy and wonder within this picture is apparent and contagious and I just had to purchase it! At the moment it’s sat on the mantelpiece as I spend time admiring it and deciding just where it’s home should be, but my guess is that it will just have to take up residence in my Temple Room! I know this is where it belongs.

There is something pure, simple and powerful captured within this work of art. To me spirituality can be made so complex, yet for me it’s heart is a simple truth – I am connected to and am part of the One Divine Life. It’s the journey of discovering and then continuing to experience this truth that is often the complicated part! The childlike figure in this picture, naked before the Lord and Lady and spirits of nature, is celebrating and experiencing the wonder of this simple truth. She is in awe of Divinity and at one with her own divinity. She is enjoying and knowing what I have always said is at the very heart of my own spiritual path – the ecstatic embrace of the Divine.

So within this simple yet beautiful picture my entire spiritual path is captured. This childlike figure is enraptured in the joy of the One Divine Life and this is where my heart belongs. I can sense her tears of joy and happiness and I can feel the wonder and excitement within her heart. Her hands reach out, not in a desperate, needy, neurotic compulsion to feel connected, but in a joyous embrace of the Beloved as she celebrates the wonder and reality of this connection and she is at peace in the knowledge of her Oneness. Her reaching out is a response the embrace of the Beloved.

This is the new place that I want to step into.

The Power Of Relationship

In recent days I am beginning to see the dovetailing of a number of threads running through this blog, and that is that relationship stands at the centre of everything. My spiritual practice has it's centre, it's core, it's very being in relationship, and I'm talking about relationship within a number of areas.

Relationship With Self

This is where it starts: truly knowing oneself. This may begin on a psychological level, but this is not where this relationship can remain, it has to move on from here if one is to truly embrace the deep reality of spiritual practice. Knowing self in a real and dynamic way is one the most fundamental calls of many pagan paths, but this needs to move on to truly knowing the relationship within oneself. Those deep and hidden motivations, those dark areas one often shirks away from, it calls for stark and open honesty, transparency with self, but also with others and with Deity.

But this relationship also needs to move on from here, it cannot remain in what will only become a self serving and navel gazing exercise - this serves no purpose and no person. It needs to move into the complexity of the relationship between Younger, Talking and Higher Self, this deep and profound inner relationship, learning and discovering the part each aspect of self plays and providing the space, the freedom, the inner environment and the magical environment for this relationship to thrive. This is a process, but it is one that has to have a beginning and one that leads to true initiation with the manifestation of Higher Self - and this hails the beginning of a new relationship at a new and deeper level.

Relationship With Deity

Relationship with Deity is not a tokenistic thing, it is something of depth and power. It is not about what one can get from Deity, but from encounter and experience with Deity. It is about recognising the reality and power in immanence and recognising that Deity lives within, and one lives in Deity. I've touched on this in the Absorption of Self, but it is that profound lesson of losing self to discover the reality of the True Self, seeing that we are all One, part of the All, that in this respect, we are all Goddesses and Gods, as we all share the one relationship, we are all interconnected, interdependent and in living, dynamic relationship. Here we discover that the emphasis is not so much on polarity, but upon the wonder of a living, vibrant relationship.

Relationship With The Universe

Here I have begun to see the wonder in recognising ones place with the Universe, or The All. This began when I began to notice that as I called in the elements (earth, air, fire and water) that I was starting to become the very elements themselves. I will admit that I still don't fully understand this and I am trying to move deeper into awareness of this relationship, but I could see myself as fire, as water, as air and as earth in a real and dynamic way. And it moves on from here. Each star has a course. and the star moves freely in that course without hindrance. We too have a course, a place, a role, a relationship within and as part of The All, and as we move into that relationship so we too move without hindrance and in power. I don't claim to have fully grasped the full reality of this, but I am beginning to understand the significance and wonder of this fact. Moving into my own orbit. my own special and unique place. separate and self contained, yet interconnected and in perfect relationship with The All.

Relationship With Each Other

Again, we contain all we need for life, existence, fulfillment and spiritual power within, as we are each separate and unique, yet at the same time there is wonder, power and growth in coming together. We don't need each other in some kind of negative, needy way, but as we come together in true relationship with each other, there is much magic to be made. When that real and dynamic contact is made, on a profound level, there is wonder to behold, a strength that hitherto has not been experience. It's beyond communication and moves into another realm of experience altogether.

As I travel along my spiritual journey I begin to appreciate the reality of all I have said above. I don't pretend to have fully experienced it fully as yet, I know I have a very long way to go, but I do see that at the heart of everything, from my very core outwards, relationship, relationship within, without and with everything is the very heart of my journey.

The Absorption Of Self

". . . the absorption of Self in the Beloved"

I came across this phrase today and it blew me away. It was so timely, following on, as it does, from my post of Monday September 1. As I read these words, they leapt from the page and burned themselves on my heart and in my spirit. This, above all else, is the single goal and single intent of my path. I seek to know the Beloved, just as I am fully known.

As I read these words, so much became clear to me, in a fraction of a moment. As I have said here before, the goal, the aim of my personal spiritual journey has been to know and experience what I have called the 'ecstatic embrace of the Divine' and here, in the words above, I see the path to this experience. As the layers of attachment to self identity are peeled away so I melt into the heart of the Beloved, into the core of the One Divine Life, and thus I know and enjoy that ecstatic embrace.

The attachment to self identity is a hugely powerful thing. Most of our lives are spent trying to 'make our mark' and this is usually by assuming roles of many kinds such as work roles, relationship roles, family roles, societal roles, and the like. We make our impression, assume our role, moreover, we assume the role we feel that we are expected, or intended, to play. We affirm the expectations of others, of society, of life. We play our part, do our bit. As we repeat these patterns, year after year, we come to believe that this is who we really are and as such, when for whatever reason those roles are removed, we are lost, bereft and directionless. We have simply become a player in a game.

Everyday life can cause us to absorb so much falsehood about ourselves. Our self concept becomes distorted and dysfunctional, blinkered, one dimensional and ineffectual. We cease to truly be.

The other day, in personal and private ritual, as I called in the elements, I was aware that I wasn't simply calling them in behind me, but I was becoming the very elements themselves. I was fire, I was water, and so on and so forth. I literally became the elements and it was amazing. This was such a confirmation to me that the words I have been writing here have been of spirit, as a theme throughout my writings of late has been one of interconnectedness.

I firmly believe that we are all stars, we are individual and unique, yet at the same time, we are interconnected and this is a connection with The All. So, although I stand alone as uniquely me, I stand connected with all my brothers and sisters on the Web. Here we are united, here we are together, here we are One. And it is One with All Things.

So, just as I became the elements because I am one with, part of and as the elements, so it is with Goddess and God. They are of me, and I am of them and we are one. I am part of and I am as Source. One. Oneness. At One.

So here is the absorption of self in the Beloved. I fall into the Beloved because I am of and one with the Beloved. I lose myself to find myself, in losing my self identity I find who and what I truly am, one with the One Divine Life. I create, because I Am.

This all makes such perfect sense, but at the same time it's blowing me away!

I want to move from theory to practice, to experience. There is a real and genuine hunger within me to move on to new heights, new places, new experiences. Stuff is shifting and happening around me, and I'm both excited, and scared!

Knowing, Feeling, Being

Three words came to me very strongly in my meditation this morning:

"Knowing, feeling, being"

Knowing in terms of knowing my relationship with Deity and truly experiencing that relationship in a real and profound way. In knowing Deity I discover myself, my true self, and my own true will. In that relationship I know Goddess and I know God, it's a relationship that is dynamic, personal, deep and meaningful. In knowing Goddess and God the mysteries become known to me, as They reveal them. The elements bind me to Goddess and God and I begin to know Them as They know me - it's a mutual relationship.

Knowing in terms of knowing my Guides (I have 2 that I am aware of) and my animal guides (I have 3 that I am aware of). I saw a picture of myself with my animal guides this morning, and I have a closer awareness of them being with me as a result of this, but again this is something that I want to be real. Here too is a relationship, an experience, that I want to nurture, grow and develop. I know the things my Guides, and animal guides want to bring, their qualities, but this is an area where I struggle a little because I am conscious that it sounds 'fluffy' and I don't want it to be that way. I hunger after spiritual reality above all else.

Feeling in terms of feeling my own true emotions. One thing working with Sulis has shown me is the fact that it's so easy to carry thoughts, feelings, reactions and emotions that do not belong to me. I am now able to place them where they truly belong, and not drag them around with me like some dead weight over my shoulder. Feelings in terms of daring to feel, to really feel and experience emotion as a man. To truly know what it means and what it feels like to be human, yet at the same time know and truly feel what it feels like to be a magickal being. To glory in my humanity and to celebrate my spirituality, and the totality of the one and the both. Feeling in terms of touching and experiencing this world, the wonder of it and the wonder of all things in it, and the relationship of all things. To know and to feel that I am part of The All. Not a spectator, not an observer, but an integral part, and to feel the wonder and amazement of that. To be free to feel.

Being in terms of being who I truly am, before name and form. To truly be free to be me, to dare to be me, to step into me and the wonder of me - to celebrate Me! Being in terms of laying down drives, purpose, effort and striving and to relax and sink into being. To let everything else fade away as the wonder and joy of being washes over and through me. To fall into the arms of Goddess and to allow myself to be held, not to resist, not to struggle, but to accept Her embrace and not fight it. Being in terms of knowing that being me is okay - without excuses and without justification. Just being is enough, in fact it's more than enough!

As these three words, with their simplicity and yet at the same time their enormity washed over me I was conscious of the phrase "I am your Child." I am a Child of the Goddess, and of the God, their Child, and they are my First Parents. I am as a Child, but not childish, experiencing the joy and wonder of knowing, of feeling, of being and of entering into the relationship that brings these wonders.

This is true connection with the One Divine Life - the joy of that intimate relationship.

Inner Temple

"How come you're so calm all the time?" someone said to me today "why don't you get angry [about this] I just can't get over how calm you are!" It's true, the issue she was mentioning has been raising high emotion at work, and has done for about a week, but somehow I have been able to address the situation from a place of calm, a place of peace, which has amazed even me! I do show emotion, and I do get angry, but somehow in this particular situation at this particular moment in time I've been able to draw on an inner resource of calm and peace and have remained pretty unflustered. This is a particularly good sign for me and one that I'm really pleased about. It's progress!

This inner place of peace, of security and safety is one that I have been building of late. It's like my Inner Temple, not a place of retreat, as such, as it's not a place of hiding, but a place of operation - but one that is unaffected by external stimuli. It's a place from where I can face the storm, even enter into the storm, but a place in which I am protected, a place of being held. I would like to be able to say that this place is somewhere I constantly remain, but that would be a lie! All too often I step out of this wonderful place of connection, and as soon as I do so, I know it! However, it's somewhere I am learning to live more often these days. This is the place of trust in the Divine and in my connection with the One Divine Life. This Inner Temple, in this sense, isn't so much a place, but an outworking of my relationship with the One Divine Life and of an innate trust in myself that flows from the wonder of this relationship.

Flowing from this I saw this morning that I can lay my angst, stress and worry down. The deeper I enter into the wonder of this relationship the less I need to operate from fear and anxiety and the more I can move into trust, both of Goddess, and of myself. The key is the wonder of relationship with Deity.

It's a choice, and it's also a shift of perspective. I can view my situation, my life and my future with limited vision, or with moonlight eyes. I can allow the Lord and Lady to show me all that is possible, or I can remain limited to human effort. I can travel beyond the limitation of this body and connect with the Universal Consciousness (and this I see as my Guides, my Ancestors, those and the energies of those who have gone before and the Lord and Lady). My consciousness can extend way beyond the limitations of this sensory world and therefore my perception of whatever it is that is facing me can shift. I can choose to shift my view, my perception and therefore my experience.

I turned the Sun card this morning and my mind was taken to the heat of midsummer, the heat of the Sun God. How he energizes all life, the life spark, the catalyst. There was a lizard on the card, and the sun provides them with energy, and there is a legend that the sun of the morning gives lizards their sight for the day as they are blind without it. I look to this energy, to the Sun God, to Deity, to The One Divine Life, for this special sight, this inner sight, for true inner vision.