Body and Soul

I began this way too late to finish it properly! But, here goes!

As I peruse my own blog I have to stop and wonder if I have I have learned anything at all over the years! I read old posts and as I do it seems to me that I’ve been asking the same kind of questions for years! I’d like to think, however, that I am asking them at a different level, but I’m not always so sure! Jerome talked of always having more questions than answers, and that this works to assure humility, and I understand that. I think it’s the onion analogy again, everything is multilayered, and just as one understands one layer, one has to peel off another, and so on and so forth. It can make for a pretty exhausting journey! I assume that at some point one reaches the centre and then suddenly everything makes sense!

Today I have found myself back at the dichotomy between ego and soul. In recent months I have come to feel, with a deep sense of conviction, that (1) I have a soul and that (2) this aspect of me is divine and comes from Source – indeed, it is Source within me, Divinity in human flesh. This has been something of a significant step for me and some would argue, I suppose, that with this belief system I’m not really Pagan, but that’s for another blog at another time and in another place I think!

I found myself at Glastonbury Tor again today – as ever, one of my most favourite places. I arrived late and it was crowded, I much prefer it when I get there early and it’s just a few of us there. However, among the noise I managed to meditate for a while and was aware of my soul connecting with the heavens. I had a sense of my soul singing with Source and as I was aware of this I became aware of the song of Nature all around me and we were all singing the song of Source with Source, we were all in celebration. My own Divinity was connecting with the One Divine Life and we were in union and singing in unison. It was a most wonderful, albeit brief, moment.

At the same time I was aware of my roots being deep within Earth. I was drawing energy deep into myself from the very core of Earth and I became increasingly aware of my body belonging to Earth, and my soul to the heavens.

With this I went into something of a state of flux. My body, the current house of my soul, is of Earth. I don’t believe, as some would argue, that Earth, roots and the body are evil. Through my senses and through my body I feel, touch, taste, hear, see and understand this world and my place in it. My roots also connect me with my heritage, my ancestors and my sense of belonging with place and the spirit of place. This doesn’t separate me from my soul, but it supports my understanding of the house, the tent, within which my soul currently resides. Yet this body has desires, it has longings of its own, it has needs, and it has automated and learned responses, responses and desires that can feed the ego and which can, if I allow them, to overtake my spiritual path and quest, and here is my conundrum.

It is right to celebrate and experience the body, to take joy in this world and to revel in the wonder of what it is to be alive in this time and place and to enjoy that and those which surround us. It is right to be wild and free in Nature and to be one with Nature – we’re in this body for a reason! Yet, at the same time, I cannot be a slave to the body and its impulses. Whilst I don’t advocate a chaste and strict denial of the body – not for a moment – there has to be a place, when training as an initiate, where the body is somehow brought under the control of the soul, of spirit. Is this what Crowley calls ‘love under will’?

There’s a balance to be struck here, I guess and perhaps this balance is about each of us being ever present, being self and spiritually aware and knowing what is feeding the soul and what is feeding the ego at any given moment.

Today I had a clear sense that the only thing that truly holds me back from spiritual progress is me. The only limits that are placed upon my own spiritual experience are those that I myself set in place. Any ceilings, any blocks and any breaks are not imposed but rather allowed or even created by me.

As an individual with a hugely influential Christian past, one that seeks to cast a shadow over my spiritual development and progress, any talk or discussion of the body, the flesh, the ego, poses significantly difficult issues. However, as I read any writings of the Adepts, such as Dion Fortune, and the writings of other paths, I see that the issue of ego is always there, in some shape or form, and these writings, although may be expressed differently, talk about the need to bring the desires and needs of the body under some kind of control, and that there is a discipline required if one is to spiritually progress.

I think that my issue with this is about the fear of loss of sense of self. Much of human journey has been one of fighting for my right to be myself and to fully express myself – my sense of social identity, and to ensure that my right to be who I am is celebrated. My human journey has been one of moving out of suppression and oppression into true freedom – the freedom to be me, without condemnation or criticism or judgement.

So you see, this physical/human journey and the cost of that to me as an individual, together with the gain, appears, at some degree at least, to be at odds with the need to bring this self under control.

I think some of this may be that I am confusing what my True Self with my small self. My True Self is who I was intended to be before name and form. My True FREE self, free from the adaptations one falls into just to get through another day, to please the Boss, the Department, the neighbours, the ‘anything for a quiet life’ type of thing. But this also has to be about being free from the body being in charge, dictating, ruling what one does. It’s not about bringing the body into submission as such, it’s not about chastisement, but it has to be about who is in charge, who is in control? If I choose to have a wild time and indulge every sensory pleasure, then that’s fine, provided that I am doing so from a place of freedom and choice.

So True Self is Higher Self, that place of enlightenment, that place where Spirit shines from my own human eyes and I see the world, and my place in it, from a new place. But it is also about not letting go of my roots, not denying my place in this Earth and the fact that I experience this Earth through my bodily senses. It’s a marriage of body and soul, it’s a relationship between the heavens and Earth, between the Divine and mortal, a celebration of humanity and this earth realm and the Divine and the celestial realms.

From this understanding of True Self comes knowledge of my own true will, my own calling in this time and place, my connection with the One Divine Life and that connection of the Divine Will and mine and the two becoming one and the same. But I think that too is for another blog entry at another time. Now, I think it’s time for this human body to go to bed and rest!

Celebrating Difference

This post is something of a divergence from the main theme of this blog, yet at the same time it is also central to it as this post contains, I guess, what in many ways is the essence of me. In making a post such as this public I am, in many ways, making myself vulnerable (yet again!) to criticism and ridicule, but as this blog is all about my spiritual journey, with all its highs and lows, vulnerability is an absolute necessity, because without it, there is no change, there is no development and consequently there is no growth. Risk is demanded, stepping out of comfort zones a prerequisite, and daring to move into the unknown, hand in hand with and trusting The One Divine Life central to any kind of progression.

I’ve been quiet for the past few weeks and for no other reason than, once again, my professional life has been demanding more of my time and energy. I’ve been caught up in one of those periods where I’ve been finding it really difficult to ‘switch off’ at the end of the working day and time for personal meditation, reflection and spiritual practice has been really difficult because of this. I am never happy with this type of situation and I am always conscious of the shift this causes within me. I become uneasy with myself and become restless. I feel disconnected and separate and I really don’t like that feeling. It’s like I lose sense and connection with who I am and as a result I don’t relate well with all that’s happening around and within me because I am not reacting as me. I don’t know if that makes sense to you, but it does to me! Also, I find that I become overly reactive and I firmly believe that people of Spirit create, we contain the Creative force and therefore being pushed around by circumstance isn’t right and it isn’t comfortable.

Within all this there has been a personal challenge, and this challenge is all about who it is I take into my working day. Do I take my true self, the person I am, the person who is continually in this place of ‘becoming’ or do I take the person who is little more than the professional caricature? The person I am expected to be who wears the corporate uniform, speaks the corporate language and walks the corporate path? Whilst it is the latter that is seemingly demanded, it is the latter I am finding it increasingly difficult, if not impossible, to conform with. I am more aware that ever I have been of the pure anger that this continual demand causes to rise within me and I am not sure how to handle or what to do with that reaction at the moment. It’s something that scares me in a way because at times the anger feels so real and so powerful that it feels like if I expressed it, everything around me would combust into flames! I know that sounds really strange and dramatic, but that’s how it feels.

The root of all of this is the celebration of diversity, or perhaps I should say, the lack of it. A key aspect of my professional role, and one that has been very recently reaffirmed; is to manage equality and diversity, both in terms of service delivery and staff management. I guess I have been given this role because it is something to which I am totally committed, both personally and professionally. Some assume my commitment comes from the fact that I am a gay man, with a disability, who walks a minority spiritual path, but people who think that actually miss the point. My commitment to equality and diversity comes from nothing other than a firm and passionate belief that each and every human being on this planet has the absolute right to reach their full potential without imposed restriction of any kind. We, all of us, have a right to be who we are and we have a right to become who we are called to be. No one has a right to stand in the way of that, be they family, peer, neighbour, politician, manager or institution. Difference, that wonderful thing each of us brings because of who we intrinsically are, should not be ignored, should not be tolerated, should not be whitewashed in some kind of banal, powerless, ineffectual thing, but should be recognised, celebrated, trumpeted, enjoyed and revelled in. Difference is what makes us real, makes us vital, makes us powerful, and when we bring this difference together, when we link arms, utilise all the skills, attributes, differences and unique experiences each of us have, then anything is possible and anything can happen. This is the hub of creativity, the more richly diverse any group of people the more effective and productive it will be, no matter what the objective. Restrict this, in any way, and that creativity is not only stifled, but the human casualties will soon begin to mount up.

I don’t want to have a professional me and private me. I want to be me wherever I am at any given time. For years I fought what often feels like a terrible battle to be accepted as an openly gay man. The consequences of this were immense and have involved losing family (thankfully temporarily), security, jobs and promotion, but I refused, on any level, to deny who I am.

My visual disability has also caused me difficulties, especially in terms of my professional working life, and this has bought me into conflict with managers and departments as I have asserted my rights under disability legislation when actually I should have had no need to do so – the support should have been there, but it wasn’t. ‘Best Practice’ can be decidedly lacking when you least expect it, and the shock of that can be disabling in itself.

And spirituality I have endured ridicule as my deeply held convictions inform the way I think, feel, act, interact, experience and contribute to people, life and the world generally.

I guess all of these factors work together to develop within me a real empathy with people who experience less than they deserve at the hands of individuals and corporations. I think what I need to learn to manage within me, and it’s something that I don’t always find easy, is the emotional reaction this brings. My power and ability to empathise can be somewhat overwhelming at times, and it is this that I need to learn to channel in a productive way which ultimately results in positive outcomes for all concerned.

So I feel as though I am at some kind of watershed. In some ways if feels terrifying, in other ways it feels exciting, but I am consciousness of a huge amount of strength that resides within me at the moment. It’s like I am at a crossroads and this crossroads is about me asserting the true principles of equality and diversity, both individually and corporately, not only through usual working practice, but through truly bringing my complete self into the working arena. I want people to have a sense of the spiritual me as they encounter me. I don’t want people to view me as someone described me the other day; his words were that I was “the conscience of the service”. I want to be more than that. I want to be able to affect positive change for people through positively changing the way people are managed, bringing real cultural change and positive outcomes for the service. Sounds lofty and worthy, doesn’t it? I don’t want it to sound like that, I want it so sound real! And I want this to come from who I am, the true me, the real me, the spiritually connected me, the me who knows where he sits in connection with the Universe and who brings that power and reality into every aspect of his life.

I don’t want to be some kind of corporate robot who is little more than part of a huge machine. I want to bring the wonder and richness of true humanity into everything that I do through my appreciation of my own divinity and that of each person I work with, support, manage and encounter each day.

It’s an impossibly tall order . . . or is it? I just need to know where and how I take it from here!

The Lesson of the Mole

I can't believe that it's been a week since I posted here, but sure enough, it is indeed a week since I've updated this blog. I'm not happy about that, but it's simply a sign of the times. Last week was a tough week work-wise, seeing me starting early and finishing late most days, and even with the additional hours put in, there is still a pile of work waiting to be done, with more being added all the time.

So today, I took myself out for a quiet pilgrimage to two of my most favourite places - Glastonbury Tor and Chalice Well. Regular readers of this blog will know that I visit these places often; living so close is a blessing of which I never become complacent. For me, today was about pursuing the movement that I spoke about in my blog of last week, testing it out, seeing what it means, where I need to place my feet. I didn't expect revelations, what I was looking for was some kind of inner knowledge of what needs to happen next to make this movement possible.

Movement and change surround me. Work-wise there is structural change taking place once again, with a plan of massive service change that will be take place in about 18months to 2 years, which will, of necessity, result in further structural change. Within 24 hours of hanging the picture I show in my post of last week I was confronted with the need to make an important work related decision, one that has the potential to affect my future in a number of ways.

Driving to Glastonbury this morning I was pleased to be alone. My work is all about people, be them staff or service users, and as such voices surround me all the time. Much as I enjoy working with people, today was very much about much needed time for me, away from noise, chatter, and clutter. I was making sacred space. As I turned a corner and the Tor, shrouded by mist with the tower just visible, came into view, the first of a number of experiences occurred - I cried! I wasn't expecting that and I can't say that I was feeling particularly sad, but clearly there was emotion there that needed expression and tears flowed freely as I smiled at the familiar and beautiful Somerset Levels, with the Tor standing tall and majestic. The energy from this sacred site was such that it drew emotion from me, releasing pent up feelings of frustration and confusion, cleansing and throwing out useless emotional clutter that wasn't serving me and that was hindering renewal. This was a deeper work of space clearing.

Climbing the Tor was harder work, physically, than normal. I don’t know why, perhaps it had something to do with the vegan chocolate cake I made yesterday in which I omitted to put enough baking soda! (note to self: read recipes thoroughly)!

As I reached the top of the Tor I walked to my favourite spot, stood, closed my eyes and became aware of my inner immortal spirit. I focused upon my true reality, the fact that I am spirit incarnated in flesh. I called to Source and saw my spirit intertwined with Source, like a huge silver cord travelling to the very heavens, bound together, wrapped up in one another, inseparable, and connected, one and the same. I’ve never seen this picture quite like this before, but it was clear, the cord was huge, massive, and it twisted and turned its way from the very core of me to the very highest heavens. I was aware of voices and movement of people around me, but nothing could break the power of this moment. This was a reminder of the strength, the power, and the unbreakable nature of my connection with Source.



Freedom was also a theme of my quiet meditation. In my minds eye I saw a huge bird flying toward me, expecting this to be an owl, my usual magickal bird, I was surprised to notice that it was, in fact, a Peregrine Falcon, swooping at great speed, revelling in the freedom of the wide open space that it enjoyed. I was conscious of my spirit longing for this same sense of freedom and aware that my own physical tent, this body that houses my immortal spirit can feel like something of a trap at times.

My consciousness was then taken to the little mole hills that were appearing around the Tor and here was the final lesson of today. These little hills of fresh soil were testimony of a huge amount of work going on, underground. Little, insignificant piles of soil concealing an industry of energy and effort taking place below by such a small creature. Here was the lesson in my stepping toward this need for movement – preparation. So much of our pagan world can be lost is show. The best robes, being seen in the right places, knowing the right people, the outer show, yet what is vital is the work that is happening within, and sometimes the outer evidence of this may be a simple little hill of soil, but underneath the personality is being prepared for that on-going process of initiation, whereby huge and significant changes are taking place, all in preparation for a new and dynamic phase of being. Encounters with Spirit, with Source, have to affect change, if they are real and genuine, and true freedom, true liberation, and true initiation are result.

The snow of recent weeks has had the effect of bringing the nation to a standstill, and we could be forgiven for thinking that in the face of Nature, we are powerless. Indeed, this was my first thought, but again today I have seen that this is not the case, because we are as much part of Nature as the snow itself, and that when the human mind, in true connection with its inner self, connects with the Divine Mind and picks up the message from the Divine Mind, we can bring anything into being. It may take some considerable time, but we are not powerless, we are more powerful that we may care to realise. Just like the little Mole, who builds tunnels and makes an incredible world beneath the soil, so we, when we connect with the Divine Will, can also bring into being things that are truly amazing.

So, as I walk towards this next phase of being, my call is to prepare, to put in the spadework, to strengthen and deepen my connection with Source and to step into my true calling.

The other things that are bothering me at the moment will then fall into place and become clear. I just need to shift my attention to that which is truly important.

When I'm Calling Your Name . . .

I've said in a recent post that the events of the past few months have hammered home to me the truth that I am not my body. I live in my body for this incarnation, but my body is not me and I am not my body. I am more, much, much more than the flesh and blood that keeps my current vehicle physically alive. I am more than my drives, more than my impulses and more than flesh, blood and bone.

Likewise I am more than the things I feel. I am not my feelings and my feelings are not me. My emotions do not provide me with my identity. My identity comes from something much older, something that existed before my current body was formed and that will survive long after my current vehicle returns to the Earth.

This is something I've known for ages . . . but that's it, I've known it - has it actually sunk deep within me? I don't think it actually has. Like all of us I've become aware of just how much I've been clinging to this body and this apparent existance - that which I can so easily see, taste, touch, hear and smell, and it's this clinging, this inbuilt sense of dependence that in effect creates the false reality that has the potential to fool me over and over again until I start to trust, once again, in that which cannot be really trusted. The end result of this is that I actually loose connection with who I truly am. This happens as a result of impulse, or desire, overtaking will and instead of this vehicle becoming a voluntary collaborator, it becomes my master, and that's not good!

Spiritual growth has its birth in truly knowing who I am and more than that, living and acting and being in that truth. A member of staff said to me today "I'm a human being not a human doing!" and it made me smile that this old adage was being reflected back to me. It's a hackneyed statement, I agree, but one that contains such truth for all of that. What I do does not define me, even what I feel does not define me, it's the truth of who I really am that defines me and this comes from moving out of the realm of reactivity into the realm of claiming and living in the truth of my own birthright - I am from Source and I am of Source - I am as Source.

I have a sense of needing to travel back to the place of my origination. I have no idea if that makes any sense to any one at all, but I know what I mean! A need to travel back to the place of my true birth. Long ago, as recorded in this blog, I embraced Andrew, my Younger Self, and this was a deep and significant move forward for me, but in many ways that was something that happened on a psychological level - but no less real for that. Now I see I have a need to move in the power of my Magickal name and to truly embrace that aspect of me and to allow the power of that to flow through my physical body. I need to move in the power of who I really am and celebrate the strength and power of this. It's not just a case of being given a Magickal Name, it's actually about moving in the reality of that in a real and living way.

The more than time goes on the more disconnected I feel to this physical body. I don't mean that I disrespect it and I don't mean that I don't enjoy it. I experience this world and this incarnation through it, and many of those experiences and feelings are very pleasurable, but that's not all that it's about. I'm beginning to appreciate what the combining of the magickal and the pagan aspects of my spirituality means, and in a sense it feels as if I am becoming ever more Mystic. That's surprised me to an extent, but it seems that's the way I seem to be developing.

I don't think that this body needs to be punished into submission. Somehow it's about the body, the emotions, the mind coming together and working in cooperation and harmony with Spirit and somewhere in here, for me at least, it has something to do with fully and truly embracing that Magickal aspect of me and moving with it and in it. Truly being who I really am, fully connecting with my True Self, but on a much deeper level than I have hitherto experienced.

I don't pretend to know how all of this is supposed to happen, but it's a path that appears to be opening up ahead of me and it's one that I will have to walk down and, once again, it's a process that I feel will have it's inception at Imbolc.

It all starts on Sunday, then!

There . . . I've Said It!

So much of my spiritual practice has been speaking to me of True Self in recent months, and my reading has also been reaffirming that which I have been learning direct from Spirit. To say this is exciting has to be the understatement of the century, but once again, this week, my reading has affirmed what I have been receiving directly from Source. I never cease to be amazed that in my own spiritual practice I hear the words of the One Divine Life.

I have a feeling that this entry is going to be one of the most important posts I’ve ever made. Blimey, doesn’t that sound dramatic? Trust me, I don’t mean to be a Spiritual Diva! What I’m simply doing is laying this post down as a significant marker in my spiritual and magickal development. Remember, the main aim of this blog is to act as something of a spiritual diary for me. What is wonderful, truly wonderful, is that I can share this journey with you, those who choose, for whatever reason, to read this spiritual journal. I treasure the fact that you do that, and make comments along the way, more than you can possibly imagine. I’m not a teacher, I’m not an expert, I’m not learned, I’m not a scholar, I’m not a spiritual or pagan leader of any kind, I’m simply a Seeker, a man hungry for both spiritual truth and spiritual experience, and this blog aims to simply track my own journey through the rough and the smooth, the valleys and the peaks. So when I say that this is going to be one of the most significant posts I’ve ever made, I say that this is what it will be for me. For some, it may be old hat. I just feel that this week has been something of a breakthrough for me. I feel like a rock climber who has reached a new and hitherto unexplored peak. As I look up, I see many more peaks to ascend, I’m by no means at the top and I am aware, more than aware, that I have a very long way to go, but as I look down, I can see how far I have come, and this is such a source of joy and celebration in my heart tonight.

Why have I said all that? Because I know that this is my path, and therefore what I say here can only be about my own journey. We each walk our own path, and have to walk that path alone. I have said the above because this post can only be about what is real for me, and talk about where I am at this moment in time. That some of you find inspiration from my incoherent ramblings is a joy to me, but I am also very mindful that what I write here cannot be absolute truth, but it is my truth.

Of late I have been confused as to how Source can be both immanent and also transcendent, then I came upon this quote: “. . . having created the Universe with a fragment of Myself, I remain.” It’s taken from the Bhagavad Gita – and as I read these words I experienced what was like an explosion within me, seriously, it was that powerful. This is a concept that I’ve known in my heart to be true, but it’s not something that I’ve seen reflected elsewhere, and suddenly here it was, before me and I wanted to jump up and down and sing! Yes! Source – my Deity, is immanent, but is also transcendent. I’ve known it, known it for ever, but reading those words showed me that I was not alone.

With this I saw that my soul is a replica of the greater universe, as the greater universe is the macrocosm, so my soul is the microcosm, a replica of it. “As above, so below.” I am the little universe within the greater universe – and so are you! Here is Unity, spiritual, powerful Unity. The phrase “we are all one” is not some trite, fluffy comment, but a hugely powerful statement of truth. The awesome reality of this just blows me away. “There is no part of me that is not part of the Gods” and the reality of this is something that I feel I am getting my head, heart and soul around for what feels like the very first time. I understand it and have no concept of it all at the same time!

So I am not separate, not desperately seeking to establish my connection with Deity, with Source, but I am part of this wonderful Unity. I am a Son, a Child, of the Gods. It’s just incredible. As I read this week, ‘. . . I am a Child of the Earth, but my race is from the Starry Heavens.’

My Gods are all aspects of Source, of the Supreme, perfect channels of the Supreme Power, each bringing into my experience aspects of the One Divine Life. The rays of their essential being radiate within and from me.

And although I see much imperfection within myself, I know that the call is to ‘dissolve and reform’. I’ve mentioned this here so many times in recent weeks, but once again the reality of it has hit home this week. This self which I have been fooled into believing is really me over the years, is nothing but illusion. The me that is so easy to cling to, the me that I indulge and pamper is not me at all. This is the me that needs to dissolve, little death by little death, as this is simply a mask to the True Self. This illusion dissolves to allow the manifestation of my True Self, the Inner Light, my Higher Self. This is my True Self.

This unity with my True Self brings me into contact, albeit for a fleeting moment, with the spiritual reality that is truly me - My Higher Self. I am part of the One Divine Life, and the One Divine Life expresses itself, in part, through me, just as through all matter, as all matter is part of the One Divine Life and indeed is the One Divine Life.

My Higher Self is my Inner Ruler who will continue to guide me on my path, a path of bringing my manhood up, up into my Godhood and I say this because I now know that my true aim is to achieve that which has always been true, the ecstatic embrace of the Divine, which works to seal the truth that my inner spirit is Divine, is Deity, living within and part of this body. This Divine Spirit grows and permeates through more of me, as more of the illusion dissolves and dissipates.

Oh man, this is powerful and awesome stuff, so much so it leaves me breathless.

I will mess up, get it wrong, make mistakes, let people down, upset people, go down wrong turns and blind alleys, because I am human flesh, but this I know, the Spirit that resides within me is Divine, and you know what? That makes me Divine too. There’s been talk on a few blogs recently about whether we should embrace just the Goddess, or just the God, or both, but now I see it’s not a case of that. The reality is we are all Gods and Goddesses! We are part of the One Divine Life and as such we are the One Divine Life!

There, I’ve said it!

But I say it with such a degree of humility and wide eyed wonder that my words simply can’t begin to express what I feel within. I could dance all night long; I can’t express how exciting this is!

This makes so much sense, at least, to me. I hope that something here resonates with you.

(Reference ‘Magic’, W.E. Butler, ISBN 1-870450-50-7)

Restriction

I think most of you know that I start each week by turning 3 Tarot cards, and I use these 3 cards as a focus for my meditations for the week. I interpret each card with the other and use them as a kind of spiritual life coaching. It's a way that I am used to opening to Deity and through them I feel Deity speaks right into the heart of me. It's something I've done for some time now, it's even got to the stage where I am wondering whether I should begin to tweak and alter the way I spend time with Them before each day truly begins. It's something I've pondered for some time, but, for the moment at least, this is how I have been working.

This week the cards have been tough, and have challenged me to the core. I know that I've been growing of late, I have a real sense of spiritual development and I am aware of growing stronger, and closer to Source. However, this week there has been a strong word from the Lord and Lady of how I need to move forward if I am to continue this path and grow ever closer to Them.

These words are timely, as they have come with the arrival of Autumn Equinox. A time of growing introspection, a time of taking stock, gathering in, not retreating, but recognising growth and also doing some final husbandry. The cards this week have all been about this.

To be honest, and honesty and transparency is one the aims of my blog, I don't seek to present myself as something I am not, when I looked at them I groaned! I so wanted something lovely and fluffy, but no, not this time! I spoke of Air on my last entry, and Air can cut like a knife, a chilling blast that can separate flesh from the bone, and something of that blast has hit me with the cards this week.

Restriction has come up a lot for me this past year, and this week the cards have spoken of this once again. Restriction, but combined with self limiting, negative thought patterns, so the restriction comes not from external sources, but from within. There is something here around developing a keener, more attuned concentration, and a learning to filter out the negative rubbish that my chattering mind can bombard me with at times, and really see myself as I truly am. I've embraced so much of my True Self in recent months, and this is the truth about me that I need to invest in and feed - if that makes sense. Not in some kind of blind denial, but in a real and genuine intention to allow the light of my Higher Self to pervade all of me.

My trust and confidence in myself as a spiritual and magickal being has really grown in recent months, but the Lord and Lady have caused me to pause this week and check out, once again, just where that confidence is placed - is it in what I see as a growing ability, or is it in my relationship with Them. Relationship is part of the core of my spiritual path, and there has been something of a gentle reminder this week.

But then I turned the Tower, and to be honest, that floored me somewhat, as it's a card that has often spoken to me of destruction of something that I have been building, perhaps due to going off course. It momentarily confused me. As I paused and listened to the voice of the Lord and Lady I began to hear what it was they were saying, especially as I read the cards together, as they should be read. The message here was simple - don't underestimate my own intrinsic power. There was something here of taking up my own personal responsibility, but in way that recognises my own ability to create, and destroy, to build up, or to knock down - and this includes myself. As a spiritual and magickal being I create my own reality, I forge my own way ahead, so I cannot always point the finger when things go wrong, rather I have to examine myself, and see what it was about me, within me or of me that allowed that to happen - how did I leave myself open to that attack? If attack indeed it was. If something is not the way I want it or the way I think it should be, if it's causing an internal conflict or causing me to behave in a way or a manner that is not of my own true self, then something isn't right and I need to make it right, but I make it right not from some kind of brutal force, or effort, but from stepping into my rightful place on the web, and from operating from my true will - stepping into who I am.

So my restriction, my internal conflicts, my mind games, my mental conflicts come from me and my responses. It's a further and deeper call to see Source in and of all things and to respond accordingly, not from this body, this ego, but from my own true self.

This is a real challenge, a tough call, but it's part of the call to the deeper things of spirit.

I Am My Own Light

The pagan path that I walk appears to be a path of 'becoming' - but not of becoming something different or new, rather it is a path of becoming truly authentically me. I've said before that it feels as though each stage that I walk, each phase that I enter, seems to take me back to who I truly am, back to who I was always intended to be, back to the very core, the very fibre of my being. It's like I journey back to discover my true self, but the Self I was always meant to be, the Self before name and form.

All life is gestated in darkness, but as it seeks to grow so it reaches for the light, and the theme of 'light' has been with me this week. What struck me, as I was calling in Fire from the south the other morning, was that I am my own light. That threw me for a moment, as it felt pretentious and it was an impression that I wasn't expecting to encounter, but the clear, sharp thought was there - "I am my own light."

As I meditated upon this, things began to become clear for me. Calling in the elements has been taking on a new power for me recently, in that I don't just call the elements in, I have a very real sense of actually becoming air, fire, water and earth as I call. This week things have moved on again, as I called in Fire, so I filled with the light of this fire. I could see, sense and experience this piercing and enveloping light, but it wasn't coming from above or below or around me, it was radiating out from within. The light was emanating from my own true self, my own true will and as I remain true my course, true to my authentic self, then I am guided by my own light, because I am part of Source, in Source and of Source, part of the One Divine Life. This is a further and significant step into the mysteries, because I am truly beginning to fathom, to comprehend, to see and understand what it means to open myself to my true birthright as a child of the Lord and Lady.

This light that was filling me must be the light of Higher Self, the light of initiation, the light of real connection to Source. At the moment I had stepped into a new place, and I can't pretend to have walked out of my Temple Room radiating light to everyone who happened to cross my path, but in that moment and time there was a connection, an experience, that hitherto I had not experienced.

I know that my roots are deep in the Underworld, the very womb of the Mother, and here my gestation takes place, here I am conceived and from here I have my true origin, my true heritage. But the womb of the Dark Mother, this place of death, life and rebirth, propels me into the light as I am born. All life reaches towards the light, and just as I am conceived in the dark, so I reach for the light. My roots in that place of transformation, my branches reaching to the light of the very heavens. As I celebrate my true connection with the All, so I Am. So my own light radiates from within. As the connection is made, so I am born, I become my true, authentic self. Someone I need to learn how to remain in this place!

And I guess this is the next step, bring that spiritual truth into physical reality as I live on this material plane.

The Absorption Of Self

". . . the absorption of Self in the Beloved"

I came across this phrase today and it blew me away. It was so timely, following on, as it does, from my post of Monday September 1. As I read these words, they leapt from the page and burned themselves on my heart and in my spirit. This, above all else, is the single goal and single intent of my path. I seek to know the Beloved, just as I am fully known.

As I read these words, so much became clear to me, in a fraction of a moment. As I have said here before, the goal, the aim of my personal spiritual journey has been to know and experience what I have called the 'ecstatic embrace of the Divine' and here, in the words above, I see the path to this experience. As the layers of attachment to self identity are peeled away so I melt into the heart of the Beloved, into the core of the One Divine Life, and thus I know and enjoy that ecstatic embrace.

The attachment to self identity is a hugely powerful thing. Most of our lives are spent trying to 'make our mark' and this is usually by assuming roles of many kinds such as work roles, relationship roles, family roles, societal roles, and the like. We make our impression, assume our role, moreover, we assume the role we feel that we are expected, or intended, to play. We affirm the expectations of others, of society, of life. We play our part, do our bit. As we repeat these patterns, year after year, we come to believe that this is who we really are and as such, when for whatever reason those roles are removed, we are lost, bereft and directionless. We have simply become a player in a game.

Everyday life can cause us to absorb so much falsehood about ourselves. Our self concept becomes distorted and dysfunctional, blinkered, one dimensional and ineffectual. We cease to truly be.

The other day, in personal and private ritual, as I called in the elements, I was aware that I wasn't simply calling them in behind me, but I was becoming the very elements themselves. I was fire, I was water, and so on and so forth. I literally became the elements and it was amazing. This was such a confirmation to me that the words I have been writing here have been of spirit, as a theme throughout my writings of late has been one of interconnectedness.

I firmly believe that we are all stars, we are individual and unique, yet at the same time, we are interconnected and this is a connection with The All. So, although I stand alone as uniquely me, I stand connected with all my brothers and sisters on the Web. Here we are united, here we are together, here we are One. And it is One with All Things.

So, just as I became the elements because I am one with, part of and as the elements, so it is with Goddess and God. They are of me, and I am of them and we are one. I am part of and I am as Source. One. Oneness. At One.

So here is the absorption of self in the Beloved. I fall into the Beloved because I am of and one with the Beloved. I lose myself to find myself, in losing my self identity I find who and what I truly am, one with the One Divine Life. I create, because I Am.

This all makes such perfect sense, but at the same time it's blowing me away!

I want to move from theory to practice, to experience. There is a real and genuine hunger within me to move on to new heights, new places, new experiences. Stuff is shifting and happening around me, and I'm both excited, and scared!

The Fires Of Transformation

I've spoken many times on my blog about my path being a path of transformation. What do I mean by that? Simply, that as I get closer to Source, so I begin to see who and what I truly am. It's like the real me slowly, very slowly, comes into focus. I've described it as Goddess holding a mirror to my face, showing me my true reflection, or as layers of an onion being continually peeled until I reach my true centre, or as the false labels, habits, behavioural and thinking patterns falling away, one at a time. It's like Air blowing away the debris, Fire creating inner alchemy, Water revealing true and authentic emotion and Earth showing me my true roots. It's a continual, powerful process. I've talked of embracing my own inner relationship between Younger, Talking and Higher Self and how this spiritual relationship realises true results. This process has been continuing for me, and this was emphasised at my New Moon ritual on Saturday.

So much is starting to come into my consciousness, I'm becoming aware of so many things that at times it's hard to process. Odd as it may sound, there's so much happening that it almost feels as though nothing is happening, because sometimes it feels as though life stands still. Or rather, it's like I stand still in the middle of life and it's happening around about me, yet within, deeper, calmer more profound things are at work.

What has been hitting me hard, and I mean hard, is this sense, this growing awareness, that I am one with Source, one with the Divine Life. That's a really scary thing for an ex-Christian to say! I do not claim to fully comprehend this, nor do I fully understand it. I am certainly not able to articulate it, but the truth of this is beginning to hit home. As I sit and meditate I am increasing aware of my attention and awareness shifting from seeing myself as 'me' with a little 'm' to Me, part of Source, at one with the Divine Life, I am becoming increasingly aware of my Higher Self, my Greater Self. This sounds so puffed up, and I don't mean it like that at all, as I am claiming nothing other than a sense of truly beginning to become aware of who I am before name and form, before the lies of false attributes were believed. I am returning to myself in a real sense. I am conscious that again I stand at the beginning of another part of the journey. I claim nothing other than being in the starting blocks, once again, about to set off. I'm on the track, but unsure of the destination. It's scary at times.

I know that my connection to my self identity is strong. Hell, I've fought long and hard, what feels like all my life in this incarnation, for the right to be who and what I am. I have struggled, fought, campaigned and lost everything for the right to be seen as a complete individual. Proud to be me, proud to be gay, proud to be free. Now, as I move forward in Spirit, I feel the challenge of seeing this as an illusion, just as all adherence to things, even self, that is filled with self importance and false attachment. It's a powerful challenge, as the ego, this external self, tends to shout, scream and cry for attention. I also struggle because I need to be sure that I am hearing the call correctly, because at times it resonates too powerfully with old Christian teaching. However, as much as I struggle, I know, somewhere within, that the call I hear is true, it is real, and it is not about losing self, it's not about 'dying to self', it's about finding my True Self. I've talked a lot in the past about 'little deaths' and this feels like a logical part of that continual process.

This is a breaking free of all illusion and attachment that has informed my perceived self identity. Labels, interactions, perceptions, dreams, aspirations, ego patterns, demands upon others, expectations. I am suddenly seeing what I think Crowley must have meant when he spoke of being free from 'purpose.' Sometimes I think I think understand, that I might actually have 'got it' and then as soon as I do, it's like I lose the grip once again and it falls, through my fingers, from my hands. May be one never 'gets it' one just keeps walking in the right direction.

This New Moon felt very much like a time of seeing my identification with self beginning to dissolve as I move into a new awareness of my Greater Self. A new process has started. I can claim nothing magnificent, just a deep, a truly deep sense of having moved into a new space. It feels like only a simply forward step, but it also feels very new.

This feels like an ever moving cycle of losing self and finding Self, and as I start to see myself losing my focus on the self I thought I was and believed I was my eyes are opening to my True Self and not only my connection to Source, but the truth that I am of Source, part of the One Divine Life, truly One with The All. Part of me wants to add 'whatever that means' because in truth I don't fully understand or appreciate the enormity of what I am writing, I just know that there is truth here, there is reality here, there is power here and it is here that I will experience the ecstatic embrace of the Divine - " we are all stars".

This sounds so muddled and confused, and in a way it feels like that, but it also feels perfectly clear. In getting closer to Source, the One Divine Life, I am discovering my True Self, and I am that I am, part of The All. Not an observer, not a spectator, not sitting there in awe and wonder, but actually part of it all, one with it all, intrinsically connected, interconnected - at One.

I'm excited, scared, clear, confused, happy, all at the same time!

I'm sure there will be more to follow this, if you can cope with me!

Illusion

The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says: “It's a girl”.

Says Shirley Chisholm, and I agree with her. With the label comes the expectations, with the expectations comes the enforced limitations, the glass ceiling, the mapped out future, the expected behaviour, and people will interact according to those labels eventually, in time, the woman will respond to those labels according to type, reinforcing and confirming the stereotype. It’s not just true for women; it’s true for all groups who are pigeon-holed, stereotyped and labelled. In fact, it’s true for all of us. No matter who we are, we have lived in this world for some time and during that time so much will have been placed upon us in psychological terms as well as in emotional, sexual, social and spiritual terms. Those expectations, those imperatives have always been there and they are so hard to escape. They cause us to adapt, to respond accordingly, and as such the process of losing connection with who we really are has its beginning with our physical birth.

I don’t know if this ramble has it’s roots in Paganism or not and as such it’s something that once upon a time I would not have made public for fear of recrimination, but right now I simply don’t care! This has been a week of powerful revelation for me, and this ramble is key to all that I feel has been made clear. Well, it’s clear to me at least!

A phrase that I have used many times since first hearing it is a call to return to “who we were, before name and form.” It struck me the first time I heard it and it’s remained with me ever since. This week it seems to have come home to me in a powerfully clear way. For me, to be who I am before name and form links and overlaps with ‘know thyself.’ This is another phrase that is oft repeated, but what does it actually mean? Is this is call to psychological self awareness? A kind of self actualisation or individuation, or is it something far deeper and more profound than that? I am convinced, after my experiences of this week, that is something far deeper.

I’ve discovered that to be who I was, before name and form, is to journey back and to embrace the true Me, my True Self, and my True Self is free from labels, free from purpose, free from expectation, free from responses, free from inter and intra-actions, free from all those things that cause me to be who I think I should be because others, because situations, because circumstances, tell me that is who I am.

I’ve seen that it’s not about what I do, it’s not about my responses, my needs, my goals, my aspirations, my concerns, my worries, it’s about ME. Anything that is a response is not me, not the true me, it’s a reaction or an intra-action, these things do not define me because the things that cause those said responses often originate from a person with an agenda, or they come from a situation that has the result of placing expectation and duty upon me. The most altruistic of people will have an agenda, and they also have an opinion or an expectation of me – and this triggers a response according to type and when I respond in this way I am not responding from who I really am, I am responding from who I think they think I am. A game springs into motion that has the result of further alienating me from me.

This week I have journeyed back, or within, and have begun to see those labels, those attributes that are not of me, but are born of the expectations and demands of others, or of systems, such as the world of work, or education, all those things that work to breed conformity and control and compliance. Those things that lock one into the mundane and have the effect of sealing off the True Self. All of this keys in with so much that has been happening for me in recent weeks, and all that has been reflected here in my blog. This is a continuation of a process, a process of discovery of Self in Spirit and of coming of spiritual age.

Looking out from the Tor this morning I saw a field of sheep. The sheep thought that they were free, and in a way they were. They had each other, they had food, they had all they needed – but they were contained and constrained. They were fenced in and they were under control. Soon, these beautiful, sentient beings will be slaughtered and served up as Lamb Shank at the bidding of some human being. The freedom that the sheep think they have is an illusion.

True freedom comes from breaking out of the illusion, out of the control of others and from a real embracing of our True Selves – our spiritual Self. It’s about the embracing of our Birthright, our true connection to Nature, our true connection of the Celestial, it’s from seeing ourselves free from purpose, free from any sense of external or internalised control and from seeing the truth of who we really are – Children of the One Divine Life and true Divine Magickal Beings.

At the centre is me and at the centre is you because we are of Spirit. The rest is illusion, the rest are simply hooks that cause us to respond, when the key is to be. This is all part of the continual process of initiation, that continual walk of the labyrinth, moving in and out in continual motion.

From that place of being, anything is possible. As for me, I know that I am at the starting blocks, I’m no expert at all, but I know that this is a new beginning and it’s exciting.

Liberation

I treated myself to another day in Glastonbury today. People will think that I was crazy, spending so much of my leave in the one place, but I truly love the place and its energy and am just so happy chilling there. I've also spent far too much money, but hey ho.

I can't believe that I was lying on the Tor in wonderful sunshine this morning! It's pouring heavy rain now, but this morning the skies were blue and the sun was terrific and I was looking at amazing views like this (not my photo):



Meditating at the Tor, and at the Chalice Well Wellhead later I heard Goddess say "At the centre is you". This confused me for a while, because in my mind I have always thought that at the centre is Goddess - is Spirit, but the more I meditated on these words the more I came to realise that at the centre is me, because I too, am Spirit. I am Spirit choosing to live in this body in the here and now. I am Spirit and I am of Spirit, and Goddess is also at the centre, because She is in me and of me, and I am in her, and of her, and in that sense there again is the sacred Oneness, the interconnectedness, the sacred unity, the sacred relationship. I am bound to Her, yet also free, because she brings freedom.

I saw that my path is a journey, and this journey is a journey to the real me - the free me. I saw myself walking the labyrinth of life, and at the centre of the labyrinth was me.



again, this confused me, because I expected to find Goddess at the centre of the labyrinth, and indeed have done when I have made this journey before, but this time, it was me, in a place of freedom and release, a place, it felt, with Higher Self manifested, a place of initiation.

I worry about parapsychology and I have never wanted my path to be some kind of spiritualised psychology, because one can know oneself without any spiritual intervention. I have had counselling and I have trained and qualified as a counsellor, but this journey showed me something far more powerful that any kind of self awareness or self actualisation of the psychological kind. This was about seeing me in Spirit. Having a glimpse of myself as seen by the Lord and Lady, in that place of true freedom.

I know myself well, and sometimes my level of self awareness, and intuition generally, scares me, but this was something else - I was seeing myself as no one else ever has, because all the defences, those things we need to survive this life, were all gone. I was welcoming the light, not hiding, not pretending, not putting on a show, just free and able to be me. It was a special place and a place I want to be able to access again.

In bringing something of this into my everyday reality I think it's about starting to respect how I talk of myself and to myself. How often do I say things like "idiot" or "stupid" or treat myself with frustration and anger, when in reality, in doing this, I am denying my birthright and who I truly am. This is about a deeper sense of self love, and not a self rejection. Not just an acceptance of who I truly am, but a real sense of taking joy in who I truly am. This is the reality of "know thyself" - seeing oneself free from the effects and the necessary accoutrements gathered from living this life.

So, again, it's about believing, believing who and what I truly am, from the perspective of the One Divine Life, not from the reflections of others, or more importantly, not from my own intra-actions. I am a Magickal Being, and that's not about ego, not at all, and it's deeper than some kind of 'mind over matter' self belief, it's much more than that. It's about accepting the word of the Lord and Lady and acting in accord with their word.

The White Hart

Standing between heaven and earth this morning was incredible, the energy was so tangible and powerful. I had such a sense of standing between, and a real sense of the presence of Badger as a power animal, he who knows the secrets of the inner workings of earth, I know I wasn't standing in that space alone. It was, as ever for me, a fleeting moment, but standing there was a real powerful experience, and the sense of the tension, the power between the two, and the fact that I was there, in a scared circle, between the two, was quite amazing.



Following this my attention turned again to the Lord card, and as well as badger, the Stag is represented. The Lord card has the energy of Herne the Hunter, who was also Herne the Hunted. When hunting the white hart, I have read that the white hart was a symbol of self, and the thing that the Magician hunts is indeed Self, true Self. So much brings me back to this place, time and time again, but I guess one overriding purpose of this journey is the continual discovery of Self. The layers peeling off the onion, the journeys to different realms, discoveries of deeper truths, seeing self reflected back at me, all reveal continual aspects of Self - it's the personal and spiritual development thing, both happening side by side. How can one encounter Divinity and not be transformed? How can one remain static when the call of the Lord and Lady is to move deeper into the Temple.

This knowledge of self is deeper than a psychological appreciation or self awareness, although that of course has it's place, no, it's about ones true origin and knowing why one is in this time and place - right now. Deeper than purpose, it's about a profound assurance of what Now is about, and ones own place in it. Fully and truly being Self in the Now through a deep and profound appreciation of what that means brings such results for self and others. It takes 'being' into an entirely new realm, as this state of being is beyond relaxation and calm, it's about movement into a new place altogether. Here is a place that I have glimpsed, just sampled, but it's one that I want to learn to simply step into and enjoy.

The Illusion Of Ego

This is going to be short, but I just need to get a few things down from my thoughts and feelings of yesterday before I loose or forget them!

This posting carries an 'Incoherent Rambling' warning, as I'm thinking aloud, trying to grapple with my thoughts of the past few days. I doubt this will make any sense. It needs to be read together with yesterdays posting, and my reply to Tess on my Comments section.

Dion (Fortune) talks about the letting go of the 'bondage of the senses' which feels somewhat different to Ego as I have understood it to mean in the past. What I also find interesting, however, is that Dion hints at 'Westerners' struggling with this concept, so it could be that she was influenced by the Eastern concept of ego, which in Buddhism, is illusion and this illusion goes on to perpetuate all illusion. Could it be that the bondage of the senses, as described by Dion, has more to do with ones illusion of self, as opposed to who one really is? This would then tie in with the Witch's directive to 'know thyself' - and that is, to know who one really is, not who one thinks one is! In this instance it would be more about laying down falsehood, self delusion, false motivations, self seeking behaviours, passive-aggression, all those negative attributes that only work to attract negativity like a magnet, and only succeed in dragging one down into the mire. I don't think this is all that Dion means, but I do feel that it's a great part of it. Letting go of the lies of self illusion is part of the journey towards true initiation. It's about embracing the truth of oneself and letting go of the mask, the facade, that one may use to fool some of the people some of the time, but that which will never allow true connection to the One Divine Life. It's daring to look into the mirror that Goddess holds up for us to stare deeply into, and to really see who it is who looks back at us.

I think too, that there has to be something here about letting go of experiencing the world only through our physical senses. We experience the mundane world through our bodily senses, and this is fine, but it's not fine if we limit ourselves to this. As was said by an author whose name now escapes me:

. . . our consciousness is not dependant on the body, but can extend beyond the limits of the sensory world.

and Dion must have had this in mind as well, as she wrote these pages.

I also think, however, that there is something of the 'little death' here, and that this presents something of a battle. It's not a death of the 'sinful self' as Christians would have us believe, as I don't believe that we are inherently sinful. I'm not even sure that I know what 'sin' is anymore, even if it exists at all. Dion talks a lot about the 'flesh' and this reminds me too much of the writings of St Paul in the New Testament, however, I do think that there's a letting go of that to which we cling. Where does my sense of identity have it's birth? What is it that defines me?

I can point to markers along my life path that have shaped me in some way, sense or form. I can point to life events, significant events, childhood trauma, teachers, school kids, ill health, many, many things that have shaped me - but who is the Me that they have shaped? This is simply the me that clings to this body, the me that sees death as a threat to survival, as an ending. As The End. This is not the me that connects to the One Divine Life. I think that part of what Dion talks about is the laying down of the Overcoat. The me that isn't me at all. The me that is simply a mass of adaptations from the myriad interactions that have molded me over the years into something unrecognisable. The me that clings to this body is all of the above and in the laying down of this illusion I will begin to open the door to the manifestation of the One Divine Life.

I hope this makes sense in the morning!

I Am My Path

I'm at a place of taking stock after a period of stepping back and evaluating. I've clearly been led into a still quiet place for a reason, and I think, quite simply, that part of the reason, possibly even the majority of it, is to show me not just that such a place exists, but that I am able to enter it. That me, who has such a chattering mind, can enter this still quiet place and commune with Spirit and with myself. This place allows me to survey where I am and where I am going, but with the focus not on results, not on purpose, but on a sense of 'being.' This is not, however, a place of inactivity, on the contrary, it is a place of discovery, a place of deep and profound spiritual experience. It is where my being, my true self, is able to begin the journey of discovering my dynamic nature and where I begin to take steps on the process of coming to know and understand my own True Will, my True Self. I'm seeing this as a process, and not an event - it's a path, a journey, a process of continual discovery. It's not about what I do, it's not about what I achieve, it's not about the result, it's about 'being' and understanding how my true Nature manifests in my life. I sense also a kind of alignment, that is, the more time I spend in communion with Spirit the more I gain glimpses, a deeper appreciation of my true self - my course, my path - because I am my path.