Restriction

I think most of you know that I start each week by turning 3 Tarot cards, and I use these 3 cards as a focus for my meditations for the week. I interpret each card with the other and use them as a kind of spiritual life coaching. It's a way that I am used to opening to Deity and through them I feel Deity speaks right into the heart of me. It's something I've done for some time now, it's even got to the stage where I am wondering whether I should begin to tweak and alter the way I spend time with Them before each day truly begins. It's something I've pondered for some time, but, for the moment at least, this is how I have been working.

This week the cards have been tough, and have challenged me to the core. I know that I've been growing of late, I have a real sense of spiritual development and I am aware of growing stronger, and closer to Source. However, this week there has been a strong word from the Lord and Lady of how I need to move forward if I am to continue this path and grow ever closer to Them.

These words are timely, as they have come with the arrival of Autumn Equinox. A time of growing introspection, a time of taking stock, gathering in, not retreating, but recognising growth and also doing some final husbandry. The cards this week have all been about this.

To be honest, and honesty and transparency is one the aims of my blog, I don't seek to present myself as something I am not, when I looked at them I groaned! I so wanted something lovely and fluffy, but no, not this time! I spoke of Air on my last entry, and Air can cut like a knife, a chilling blast that can separate flesh from the bone, and something of that blast has hit me with the cards this week.

Restriction has come up a lot for me this past year, and this week the cards have spoken of this once again. Restriction, but combined with self limiting, negative thought patterns, so the restriction comes not from external sources, but from within. There is something here around developing a keener, more attuned concentration, and a learning to filter out the negative rubbish that my chattering mind can bombard me with at times, and really see myself as I truly am. I've embraced so much of my True Self in recent months, and this is the truth about me that I need to invest in and feed - if that makes sense. Not in some kind of blind denial, but in a real and genuine intention to allow the light of my Higher Self to pervade all of me.

My trust and confidence in myself as a spiritual and magickal being has really grown in recent months, but the Lord and Lady have caused me to pause this week and check out, once again, just where that confidence is placed - is it in what I see as a growing ability, or is it in my relationship with Them. Relationship is part of the core of my spiritual path, and there has been something of a gentle reminder this week.

But then I turned the Tower, and to be honest, that floored me somewhat, as it's a card that has often spoken to me of destruction of something that I have been building, perhaps due to going off course. It momentarily confused me. As I paused and listened to the voice of the Lord and Lady I began to hear what it was they were saying, especially as I read the cards together, as they should be read. The message here was simple - don't underestimate my own intrinsic power. There was something here of taking up my own personal responsibility, but in way that recognises my own ability to create, and destroy, to build up, or to knock down - and this includes myself. As a spiritual and magickal being I create my own reality, I forge my own way ahead, so I cannot always point the finger when things go wrong, rather I have to examine myself, and see what it was about me, within me or of me that allowed that to happen - how did I leave myself open to that attack? If attack indeed it was. If something is not the way I want it or the way I think it should be, if it's causing an internal conflict or causing me to behave in a way or a manner that is not of my own true self, then something isn't right and I need to make it right, but I make it right not from some kind of brutal force, or effort, but from stepping into my rightful place on the web, and from operating from my true will - stepping into who I am.

So my restriction, my internal conflicts, my mind games, my mental conflicts come from me and my responses. It's a further and deeper call to see Source in and of all things and to respond accordingly, not from this body, this ego, but from my own true self.

This is a real challenge, a tough call, but it's part of the call to the deeper things of spirit.

The Chariot

So much has been happening over the past few days, but I've also been busy with other things, so I've not been able to get to the PC to update.

The Chariot has appeared in my tarot spread over the past two weeks, and I find its reappearance really interesting. The Chariot seems to be brining me a clear message at the moment, and it's obviously something to which I need to pay attention.

There are two horses, one black, one white and this has worked over the past two weeks to reinforce the genuine need to bring together all aspects of self and not to see either as a polar opposite, but to integrate both into that inner relationship, thereby bringing inner wholeness through relationship. Life is gestated in darkness, seeds germinate in the dark, this the place of initial growth, yet as growth commences, so they seek the light. Both are required for life.

The horses are under the control of the driver. Control is a huge issue for me, I bulk at any kind of control, be it through individuals, organisations, structure, dogma or any such thing. I have fought for many years for the right to be my own person. I think an upbringing of control through religion is the root of this detirmination, but the message of the Chariot is clear in that deep inner emotions and impulses need to come under my own control. This control isn't a forceful, suppressing or oppressive thing, but rather a control that comes from discipline and from the development of my own true will. The inner impulses of which I speak are not wrong, and their expression is not wrong, but it's about bringing my own inner world under the control of my intellect and will and channeling these natural forces into a powerful force. It's a further development of knowing myself in an intimate yet powerful way.

"The tendency of the spiritual mind is to niceness but we should be firm minded not nice minded"

goes a quote that I heard some time ago, but for the life of me can't remember the source! The Chariot reinforces this message, true spirituality isn't always about being nice to all things, it's about deep inner transformation and growth, a series of continual transitions. To stand still is to stagnate, and stagnation equals death - it isn't an option.

There's something here about personal responsibility, taking personal control, speaking ones truth and standing up to take the consequences of that, not being afraid of change, not seeing change as a threat to security, but learning to move with the ebb and flow of spiritual movement, and being intuitive and responsive enough to both hear and heed the call. As a Magickal Being I create my own reality and I set my own destiny, and there's something here about accepting personal responsibility for that, not pointing the finger, not blaming people and circumstances, but realising that I can do something about it. This is the truth and reality of standing in ones power. It's a moving from bring reactive to proactive. The myriad emotions that exist within me, my desires, passions, thoughts, feelings are there to serve, not control. My body is where I am choosing to live in this incarnation, my senses are how I experience the world in this incarnation, and that's cool, but it's also not all there is, to limit myself to such a narrow experience of life is to miss out on spiritual dynamism and reality.

Personal determination, personal discipline, personal dedication, all requirements to a productive spiritual life. The rider of the Chariot knows the destination and there's little that will alter her course. Whilst there's something here of controlling anger and aggression, there is also something about developing those vital aspects of the spiritual being - determination and a focused, steadfast mind.

This is one more stage of the letting go process. Letting go of fear, the fear of change because any change shifts the foundation, alters the perception, shifts the goalposts. This is a letting go of that which no longer serves, but also an embracing of that which does - it's a 'little death' leading to a bigger life, a period of transition, stepping ever closer to initiation, which in itself is a continual process.

There's also something here of a walking consciousness, being aware of my intra-actions as well as my interactions, clearing out the conduit to allow for ever greater communication between Younger, Talking and Higher Self.

Now I need to pull all this together - I think that's enough to be going on with!!!

Growing Pains

It's been one of those cleaning the house, doing the laundry and DIY days, so spare time has been something of a premium today. However, I found some time for meditation and I turned the 4 of Discs in a brief moment with the tarot.

The 4 of discs talking of holding on to things that no longer serve. This may be material things, it may be emotions, behaviour traits, people - anything, but the fact is that whatever it is one is holding onto it empty, it carries no real value or worth and is no longer serves.

For me, seeing this card today affirmed to me that my work with Younger Self (YS) is most certainly not over, but it also confirmed that I am indeed on the right course. YS, in all his insecurity and doubt, has led to some internalised thought processes and external behaviour patterns that no longer serve - they will not take me forward. I am a Magickal Being, I am a person of spirit, I do have spiritual depth, but to move forward, to progress spiritually, which is something I so want to do, I have to go through a process of relinquishing those things that no longer serve. Those things that restrict, that hold me back, that don't belong in the world of a Magickal Being. Only I can identify those things, only I can let go of them and only I can move forward. The choice remains with me. It's my path, only I can walk it. Now is the time for me to really look within, to look into my inner world and identify the real motivating forces within me. Are the fears and doubts of YS in control, or am I bringing YS into a place of safety and security that will enable him to lay those negative emotions down? As YS lays these things down his awesome creativity, intuition and imagination will come to the fore in a clear and unadulterated manner, making anything possible. This is a significant step, and once again, something of a continual process, but I am now at a place where I have to take a significant step forward and lay these things down. This is another 'little death.'

No one said that a spiritual journey was easy and I do feel as though I've been in something of a spiritual glasshouse in recent weeks, but this is the reality of walking a living and dynamic spiritual path. As has been said elsewhere on a pagan blog recently, 'we are held in a place of love' and this is true, and it is the love of Goddess and God that are leading me on, leading me forward to a new place, a higher place, a more powerful place. This is all about personal and spiritual development and growth, and growth of any kind brings growing pains! When one asks for and seeks transformation, as I have done, be prepared for the Lord and Lady to answer and work with you!

Tomorrow I am going to see a Spiritual and Psychic Artist. His name is Patrick Gamble and it's something that I'm both excited and a little nervous about. He is going to paint my Spirit Guide! Tomorrow is going to be another step forward!

Get Real

It's fascinating, but the 4 tarot cards I have turned this week all carry a similar message, just from different perspectives. They all talk about drawing apart for a while, of stillness, of taking time out to reflect before moving on. They talk of the need for solitude, even a time of personal retreat, to take stock, evaluate, reflect and learn before moving on.

I'm realising that this 'drawing apart' period is exciting and necessary as it's a time of preparation. It's a period of time in which I need to allow work to be undertaken that involves a time of 'unlearning.' This is about a letting go of not just old habits, thought patterns and behaviours, but a letting go of things that I have been taught in the past that no longer carry any worth or substance. Together with this is a time of testing as to what is real and what is not and in this allowing the gifts that I have been given time to nurture, develop and grow. This is all part of learning not only to rely on my natural senses, but to allow my consciousness to move to a higher as well as a deeper level and to trust my intuition and other gifts. This is a time of learning, of development, of growth and this demands some serious study and comittment. It's a time of getting to know my inner landscape on a more intimate and far deeper level. It's a time of embracing and accepting self before moving onto the next stage of my journey. It's also a time of personal honesty - it really is the time to get real!