Tears and Hallucinations

It's been a strange old time and it's been a tough old time. I set up this blog in order for it to act as a timeline of my own spiritual development, a kind of on line journal or a diary, something that would work to act as a series of markers in the sand of particular milestones, rites of passage and of my journey through the valleys as well as my walks upon the mountain tops. These past weeks, although not borne in meditation, ritual or ceremony, have seen something of a change within me and this has been borne from nothing other than 'living my life'. It's been stressful, difficult, painful, scary and demanding and I kid you not, I feel absolutely shattered emotionally, physically and spiritually. I'm feeling somewhat spent right now. I have a strong inpatient sense of frustration about this.

Seeing my father in hospital, wired up to heaven knows how many machines, drains and drips everywhere, taking a cocktail of pills and potions has had a powerful effect upon me and in truth I don't fully understand or appreciate the depth or profundity of that effect. I'm in here in this incarnation for a reason and a purpose, no doubt, and I am sure that this present moment in time is all part of that plan, but I don't quite get the lesson at the moment. Seeing my dad in this fragile state has sent me back to so many times in my childhood as well as catapulting me into possible eventualities in the future that I'd rather not think about. It's caused me to reflect on great times, times of regret, and also of unsaid things that probably need to be said. There have been times when I've felt like a child in adult clothes, scared and wanting my parents to look out for me, yet as I look at them both, there have been times, many times recently, where the look in their eyes has been calling out for me to do the self same thing for them. That's tough and difficult to handle. It's more than a role reversal, it's something of a dynamic inner change. I also don't want to do anything that robs them of their own control over their lives and destiny - I don't want to take them over. All I've been able to do is be there for them, and I hope that's enough and I hope it tells them I love them, because I do.

I've had a funny old time with my parents. As born again Christians they were unable to cope with my sexuality and through my coming out I was sent away not only from the family home, but the town as well. The Christian Church disowned me and a rift appeared between my parents and I. My eventual embracing of pagan spirituality did little to heal that rift. However, over time a bridge has been made and a new relationship established and that's such a comfort and joy to me. They still don't fully approve of what they see as my 'choice of sexuality' although I don't see where choice comes into it, and I don't go into detail with them about my spiritual practice, as I see little purpose in that, I know they struggle with it and why put them through that? However, the fruit of my path, and perhaps theirs also, as led to us all being in a new place. The fact that I am able to provide such a strong level of support at the moment, at a time when they really need it, is a powerful testimony to a significant period of healing, and that's a wonderful thing. So that's one positive thing in the midst of all this.

Spiritually I feel a bit all over the place. I've not been able to focus on anything in particular, as my mind and concentration is shot. I'm finding it hard to give myself to anything at the moment, as my head seems to be dealing with so many thoughts and things that I need to do. I'm not happy about that as I feel I should be doing better in this regard, I should be more disciplined and more in control of myself and this situation. That's what my Inner Critic is telling me anyway, and I have to agree with him to a degree! "This is a lesson in powerlessness" my partner said, and whilst I understand where he is coming from in his humanistic approach to life, I don't like hearing it because I feel if I were in a stronger, more powerful place, I wouldn't be powerless. I'd be able to harness the natural forces in nature and do something more positive and effectual for my father, and indeed for my mother. So I'm not happy about that and I'm feeling somewhat feeble spiritually. I don't know if that makes any sense at all - I guess I'm just beating myself up when I shouldn't be I suppose.

Dad was told that for a while following his triple heart by-pass that he would have a couple days where he would feel emotional. Seeing ones 76 year old father cry is incredibly humbling. Not embarrassing, not uncomfortable, not something that I wanted to ignore, simply humbling. The old stiff British lip crumbled and he cried, not really knowing why and not really having any control over it. I think it was a combination of medication, his body's shock following such radical surgery and probably a sense of relief of still being here. I'm sure an operation of this scale forces one to face ones own apparent mortality, even for a born again Christian. "Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine, oh what a foretaste of glory divine" we used to sing as a family in Church, and I have no doubt at all that my fathers faith has been tested in this area. I'm not about to criticise him for his faith or his path. It may not be my path, I have serious questions and problems with it, but I won't deny his right to it. I obviously ask the same of him. This open expression of humanity, a place where roles were momentarily suspended and we came together as people without boundaries and pretence was special for me. It's an odd moment to treasure, I guess, but I do feel a sense of privilege that I was able to share that moment.

So he is home now, following the surgery, and appears to be slowly improving. There are some concerns around recent blood tests, and these worry me slightly, as they could potentially point to other problems, but I'm trying to put those concerns to one side as nothing definite has been said at this time. He's looking better each day, if only in very small ways, but I take that as positive. I just want his confidence in himself and in life to start returning, as his 'stuffing' has been knocked out of him, that's for sure. The pills he is on give him some concerning hallucinations at times, and they're not pleasant for him at all, but many of his medications are on a reducing programme, so I hope that soon enough this too will pass.

For me, I'm not sure what this period of time is all about. Clearly it's about cementing, reestablishing and to a degree, redefining, relationships, but I'm sure there are deeper things for me to get to grips with here as well. I want to grow out of this situation, to become stronger and find myself in a more spiritually robust place, but at the moment, I'm still feeling as though I'm in something of a fog, looking for the open door.

Pagan Prayer Request

Regular readers of this blog will know that my father has been expecting to undergo heart by-pass surgery. He will be having his operation on Monday 24 November at 1200 GMT. Please can I ask that the friends I have made via this blog think of him, pray to your Gods, light a candle, stand in your power, whatever it is your spiritual path leads you to do, and remember him? As you can imagine, it's a bit of a scary time for him, my mother (mum and dad are pictured here), my family and loved ones. My regular posting here has been somewhat interrupted by this, but I know I will be back, just as I am sure that he will return to health and strength. Please, stand with me in this, in whatever way you are led.

With my love and blessings.

Andy

Strange Times

A huge thank you to everyone who has left 'get well' wishes for me in recent weeks, I really have appreciated your thoughts and intentions. I don't know where this 'bug' came from, really, but it's hit me for six, it really did take the legs from under me. I've been feverish, coughing, sneezing and generally feeling really very unwell. I'm also aware that I have passed it on to at least 5 other people, one being my partner, the rest being work colleagues! Guess who is not exactly Mr Popular around these parts at the moment?!?

This bug, which although called 'Man Flu' by some, really has been rather vicious, has managed to sap me of all my physical energy. I've worked through it, I've not taken sick leave, but when I've come home from work, I've just collapsed on the sofa and I've also been going to bed earlier and getting up later. Consequently, my spiritual practice has suffered somewhat, and whilst I'm not happy about that, there's been little, in any practical sense, that I've been able to do about it. This is another reason why I've not posted here in recent weeks - there's been little to say! I've felt in something of a spiritual backwater, and it's not been a comfortable experience, especially as so much exciting stuff was happening leading up to episode. I guess in a way I'm looking for meaning within it all, but I'm not seeing a clear picture at the moment.

My professional life has also been playing something of a key role in terms of my silence. I've had an a project delegated to me, which has arrived, as ever, on top of my current workload, and it's been taking up an inordinate amount of time. This project, as well as taking up physical time, over and above my normal working hours, has also been sapping me physically and emotionally, as well as having something of a psychological effect. In short - it's been a really tough time work wise! I don't want to go into detail, it would be wrong, unprofessional and indiscrete, but lets just say that the past few weeks haven't exactly been my most favourite period of my professional life! Admittedly, I've taken this project on whilst not feeling in the best of health, and the stress of this project has probably led to the length and indeed depth of this particular episode, so something of a vicious circle - not helped by one week when my manager and colleagues were all on annual leave!

I also have the worry of my father. Regular readers (and I hope there's still a few of you out there!) will know that my father has been poorly. Well, on Sunday 24 November I will be taking him to Bristol Royal Infirmary where he will be undergoing a triple, and possible quadruple, heart by-pass. This is clearly a huge ordeal, and at 76, it's an even bigger challenge. He has the actual operation on Monday 25 and I would appreciate all the thoughts, pagan prayers, healing incantations, protection, spells, anything and everything that your own spiritual practice affords. I know he is going through this operation because he wants to be able to experience more time with the love of his wife (my mother) and family, so I hope that intention is what will carry him through. As a devout Christian, he wouldn't appreciate the sincerity of the spiritual pagan, but I know we rise above such things, so please remember him, my mother, me and my wider family in your practice.

So that's about me at the moment. Whilst poorly I have read 'The Secrets Of Dr Taverner' by Dion Fortune, and, in the character of Rhodes in the stories, I can see something of my own spiritual development mapped out in front of me. This book is a collection of short stories, some perhaps twee, some dated, yet they all contain spiritual truth, magical teachings, admonishments and lessons to the wise. The last two paragraphs of the entire book contain, for me, a vision of where I want to be. It seems that so much is stacked up against me in this mundane world, at the moment, acting as something of a barrier to my own progress. However, the lesson for me here is how I negotiate this series of hurdles . . . yet another lesson, and I still don't feel I have the physical energy, as yet, to attempt this negotiation, but negotiate it I must.

I'll sign off by quoting the final two paragraphs, and I wish you love and blessings:

Above me on the hill the great granite cross cut the stars, a Keltic cross, with a circle of eternity superimposed on the outheld arms of renunciation. The mist had come up and blotted out the low-lying land towards Frencham till I seemed to be alone on a crater of the moon. Cut off from all human influences, high up on the stark heights of the moors, I met my soul face to face while the unseen life that rose like a sea drew back as if to give me room for my decision.

And I hesitated, longing to plunge into that wonderful life, yet dreading it; when suddenly something gripped me by the heart and pulled me through. I cannot describe it better than that. I had passed an invisible barrier and was on the other side of it. Consciousness steadied again, the world was unchanged, there above my head still loomed the great cross, and yet in all things there was a profound difference, for to me, they had suddenly become alive. Not only were they alive, but I shared in their life, for I was one with them. And then I knew that, isolated though I must always be in the world of men, I had this infinite companionship all about me. I was no longer alone, for, like Taverner, Marius, and many others, I had passed over into the Unseen.

Bugs!

Thanks to everyone who has been posting on my blog in recent days. I wish each and every one of you a very blessed Samhain. I've been laid somewhat low with a really horrible and heavy cold. Some may call it 'man flu' but I have been feeling really rather poorly. This bug has drained me of all my energy and has left me feeling, physically, very low. Pleased be assured that normal service will be resumed on this blog in the very near future - I just need to get myself back to physical health first!

With love and many blessings, Andy

Labyrinth of Initiation

With the energy of Samhain increasingly evident, my attention is being drawn to the reality of initiation. I’ve mentioned initiation a number of times in recent blog entries, and this is because I have been led to see the depth of initiation and also the cycle, or perhaps more correctly, the spiral of initiation. In recent days I have come to see that this is in fact a labyrinth, and in fact the initiate travels this labyrinth throughout their journey, spiralling in and out, travelling back into the centre, that place of death and rebirth, and then spiralling out once again, at a new level, at a new depth, in a new place and with a new energy, before returning once again, for a new encounter with death and rebirth. Initiation is a process, and one that is not trivial, but rather is hugely profound.

My tarot spread this week has been really very pertinent to all that has been happening with me of late and this week has seen my eyes being opened to a great deal of powerful things.

The theme this week has been very much about initiation, and a challenge from the gods to really assess and evaluate my own motives in light of what I seek. Is it about me? What I can gain? My own self projection, or is it about my own transformation through the laying down of self in order to achieve the manifestation of Higher Self? This involves travelling into the heart of the labyrinth, of daring to approach Cerridwen’s cauldron, of truly experiencing death in order to be reborn into a new place of experience and existence. There’s nothing shallow about this, the challenge this week has been clear – am I prepared for this, is it truly what I want and am I honestly prepared to bring those final bastions of resistance down to secure my hearts desire?

Initiation isn’t something that’s conferred by ceremony. Although ceremony of some kind may mark this rite of passage, it isn’t the ceremony that brings the initiation; it’s the intention of the heart of the Seeker. Motives, integrity, transparency, and openness before ones gods are key. Being honest with oneself, and with ones gods.

The journey of the labyrinth isn’t easy, because as one spirals in, so one spirals into death. At the centre of the labyrinth resides Cerridwen’s cauldron, and this is the cauldron of transformation, knowledge and rebirth, but before rebirth and knowledge can be bestowed, there has to be a death. There’s no shortcut, this process cannot be avoided, and although it may happen over many stages and on many levels, happen it must. As I am walking towards the centre, I see the various things I have laid down over time, but there is more. The cauldron represents the womb of the Mother, and I am going to be expelled from this womb, born into a new place, but before this happens, I have to let go, and let go especially of the past – even of that which I think I have learned.

I say this because although two cards spoke of initiation and motives, the third card spoke of the illusion of the past, of looking back with nostalgia, but this nostalgia is false. Things of the past may look attractive and appealing, but when I reach out for them, they disappear, or they fail to satisfy, because they have little substance. They may be full of appeal, full of sparkle, full of quick fixes and many promises, but in truth, they are empty and shallow and will leave me as such. They are illusory, and I have to walk away – and vow never to return.

In the past, when I have walked the labyrinth, it has been at much shallower levels. I have walked it on the level of emotion, or on the level of desperate seeking. Now I walk it as a matter of Will. I choose to let go, I choose to abandon myself to my gods and I choose to embrace the womb of the Dark Mother in order to be reborn. I choose the path of true initiation. I choose this because I seek to be reborn, with new eyes, new vision and with new knowledge and I want to move from the emotional and psychological to the arena of spirituality. I want the Inner Light of my Higher Self to radiate from my eyes and spirit to flow from this chosen vehicle.

I choose to move to a new level and to a new state of consciousness. The past has been a preparation, and a valuable one, but however appealing and however seemingly attractive, if I am to grow, then I have to move on. This may be painful in places, but it is a test of how serious I am and a demonstration of my level of commitment. This is a breaking of old patterns, a letting go, even of people and places, and a goodbye to old systems of support. This is about reality.

It’s a tough call and I have to ask myself if I am truly ready.

I am called to open myself to the Fires of Sulis and abandon myself to Cerridwen’s cauldron. A sacrifice of control.

As I prepare for Samhain, so I continue to walk the labyrinth of initiation, ever closer to the womb of the Dark Mother, shedding all that stands in my way, until I too am in the cauldron, dead, transformed and reborn, not on a superficial level, but truly reborn, with a new name and new vision, ready for the next phase of my journey.

Flying Beds

I have a feeling that this is going to turn into something of a self reflective ramble so it will therefore be rather disjointed. This will not surprise regular readers of this blog, but to any newbies out there, my apologies!

In a recent conversation with my sister, she reminded me how, as children, we would play what we would call ‘Flying Beds.’ This was simply a childhood fantasy, where we would imagine that our beds had secret powers and would, at our command, take us anywhere at all, by taking to the air. We would soar, far away, in our imaginations, to places and people that we would create, painting on the canvass of young minds, uninhibited and unrestricted. As I have reflected upon this I have come to appreciate the longing for freedom that I have always sensed, deep with me. This is a desire to be free from the limitations and restrictions of the physical body and a deep conviction that there is more to life than that which presents as physical matter. I’ve never been fooled into believing that all I see is all that exists.

What I have come to see, in recent months, is that this longing I felt then was the voice of my Spirit – what Dion Fortune calls the ‘immortal spirit of man’ - that part of me that is of the One Divine Life and which seeks to make that divine and eternal connection. The immortality goes two ways. This is the God/dess within me, if you like, that part of me which makes me divine and which seeks communion, meaningful relationship, with the One Divine Life. This is a hunger that has always been there, it’s something that I’ve always known, and these whispers from Spirit, to my spirit, although expressed through various traditions along my somewhat complicated spiritual journey, have always been there, even at the times in my life when my communication receptors were rather ineffective or seemingly non-operational altogether! The One Divine Life has never let me go, even when I could be seen running at full speed in the opposite direction! And trust me, that has happened!

I don’t consider myself to be particularly psychic. I don’t see the aura’s of people as they’re walking towards me in the High Street, and I hardly ever seem to remember my dreams. I rarely see visions (although I have a few times) but I do find that I have a highly tuned intuitive nature and this has often shown itself when I’ve been reading tarot for people. Somehow, I just seem to know. I’ve been working with people, using the tarot, and somehow Source has spoken directly into their lives through me, often with dramatic results. This has often worked at its most powerful when I have allowed the cards to speak directly to me, not always following the established interpretation of the card as detailed in the accompanying book. This is a gift I’ve not used for some time, and is something that I would like to see develop. However, I use the tarot a few times each week for my own personal use and I’ve always found this to be really effective and meaningful. So the tarot, for me as well as for others, has been one vehicle where I have been able to fly from the restriction and limitation of this mind and body into a different place, with positive results.

“Confusion is the beginning of wisdom” says Dr Taverner to Rhodes in the Dion Fortune book ‘The Secrets of Dr Taverner’ and I’ve been feeling that way myself in the past few days. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a negative thing, I’m not throwing my arms in the air in some kind of doubting fashion, but I do have a feeling of ‘the more I read the less I seem to know’! Does that make any sense? I think this is because I have moved from the starter to the main course! I so relate to this Fortune quote because to me it speaks of being open, honest, and transparent. No one will ever grow on their path if they assume a kind of ‘know it all’ pretence and, sadly, I have spent too much time with people of this ilk during my spiritual journey. I am in a place now where I dare to ask the questions and whilst I know I have a firm foundation, this is not where I want to remain. I’ve not come this far simply to tread water. No, I want to build upon this foundation and establish something wonderful and lasting. So I am in a place of mild confusion at the moment. I feel like a chap who has just purchased a flat pack kitchen and can’t quite work out how to bring it all together. I have all the parts I need, I have the tools in the house, somewhere, if I can get my hands on them, but I’ve not yet quite connected the tools to the appliance! I remember feeling this way when I started a new school. Everything around me looked somewhat familiar, the routines were similar, but I was also painfully aware that I was the ‘new boy’ and I simply had to get on with it. That’s how it feels right now in the sense that I know I have some serious learning to do.

I think this is because I am seeking a way of bringing magic into my pagan practice in a real and meaningful way. I have been working with my gods, working with their energy, and therefore using magic in the sense of it being a gift from my gods and flowing from their energy and vitality. For me magic has to form part of my devotional practice. The object of my magic is to bring my manhood into my Godhood, to become more like the person I was created to be, before name and form, by allowing my Higher Self to manifest within me so that it is my Higher Self who looks through my eyes. I don’t see my magic as a way of obtaining ‘things’ necessarily, but I do see it as a way of transforming myself.

“Magic is more than waving a wand” says Dr Taverner, and this is obviously not news to me. I’m done with the fluff, done with the bubble gum, candy floss ‘buy a spell off the shelf’ mentality. I’m moving on to deeper and more profound things and in many ways it scares me! I’m far more aware of what I don’t know than what I do, I also know that I am a bear of very little brain! Part of me longs for a teacher, but at the same time I am aware of how I have learned so much over the years directly from Source. And this is objective of my quest, to get ever closer to Source. I don’t want fame or riches; I simply want to know, even as I am fully known.

Six Random Things About Me

I’ve been tagged by the lovely Mary, of Tea, Sympathy and Perfume blog, to write six random things about myself. So, in a little departure from my usual blog topic, here I am honouring the tag request! I think this is a great thing, as it provides you with something of the person, the human being, behind all the ramblings posts I make.

Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.

2. Post the rules on your blog.

3. Write six random things about yourself. (See below)

4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them. (See further below...)

5. Let each person know they've been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.

6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.


Six Random Things About Me:

1. I adore cats! Cats are so intelligent, sensual, loyal and loving. People often refer to cats as being aloof, I’ve never known this to be the case in my experience. I lost my Lilac Point Siamese called Dusty two years ago this December and I miss her, dreadfully, to this very day. Here she is on my lap:


2. I’m vegetarian. I know some pagans get upset about this, but I just find it impossible to eat other sentient beings. The way we intensively farm animals, the inhumane way we house and keep animals and live animal exports are other reasons for my vegetarianism. I don’t preach about it, I don’t criticise others for eating meat, just don’t expect me to do so!
3. I only see in one eye! I had a detached retina in 1986, and almost lost the sight in both eyes. I’ve had lots of ocular operations and the sight in my right eye is okay, but not brilliant!
4. I’m 6’4.5” tall!
5. I’m gay – but I think you know that! I’ve always known that I was gay, it really does feel like something I’ve known forever. It’s as much part of who I am as the colour of my eyes – it’s an intrinsic part of me and I am proud to be an openly gay man. I assert my right to be who and what I am! As a young boy it terrified me, I just couldn’t see how my life was going to pan out. As it is, I have been in a relationship with a man I love for the past 20 years, and that’s something else I am very proud of.
6. I’ve just made a Facebook page! Why, I’ve no idea, it just seemed like a fun thing to do at the time. If you have a Facebook account, please add me as a friend! I only have 6 at the moment and it feels very lonely!

Normal, serious posting will resume tomorrow!

And now for 6 friends blogs I really love and read every day:

The Green Witch – I love the TGW as she is always open and honest and shares from her heart. A real spiritual journey has it’s times in the valleys as well as on the mountain tops and I admire the Greenwitch for her honesty.

The Voice of Seshat. Seshat has taught me so much through her prolific writing.

House of Inanna – Brian shares a range of topics that never fail to interest me. I like the way he writes and I am often challenged by his thoughts.

Angels In The Whirlwind – A new blog to me, but I am intrigued by Boleskine’s magickal journey. As I move into a more magickal experience, albeit on a path different to his, I find his experiences fascinating and inspiring.

Starweavers Corner – because I have learned so much on this blog, Starweaver never fails to get me thinking.

This Guys Journey – a new blog to me and I just love the way that Bret writes, it’s so honest and refreshing. I think he has a real talent.

So a mixture of blogs, do please visit them and all the blogs on my blogroll. They’re there because I love them all!