Honesty

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on my blog, which is unusual for me, but then it’s been something of an unusual time. Today I have had time to collect my thoughts and have been on a walking meditation, first to Glastonbury Tor, and then around Chalice Well, two favourite places of mine, and I feel far more centred and at peace as a result. I think this is going to probably turn into one of my classic rambles, so if it makes no sense, I apologise. But then, it’s a blog about my own journey and I feel that I’m just coming out of a time of confusion, so perhaps if it makes no sense it’s pretty reflective of where I’ve been of late! This blog is one that charts the highs and lows of my journey, and the very last thing I want to do is pretend that I’m someone I’m not or that I’m somewhere I’m not. For me, truth, transparency and integrity are key to any spiritual journey that has it’s roots in reality.

Seeing my father in hospital was not so much a shock as something of an awakening. Seeing him sat there, next to his hospital bed, wired up to a monitor somehow jolted me into a deeper sense of the transient nature of this incarnation. Death has been close to me over the past few months, well, many months in fact, in the sense that life, death and rebirth are realities and part of the mystery of my path, however, seeing dad all wired up was like a visual aid to this reality. In very recent years I have lost too many family members, as well as a beloved pet who was my best friend, crazy as that may sound. Here, before me in Yeovil District Hospital, was another testimony to the fact that whilst everything is forever because nothing really dies, the vehicle we use for each incarnation is not. Dad’s ‘vehicle’ was in something of a protest, it was failing, it was frail, yet he was very much alive. Each ‘bleep’ of the machine showed that his heart was working, yet in a sense it worked to foster that relationship between vehicles, whereas the reality I was after was deeper than that. This reality was spirit to spirit connection - this is where I’ve been this past week or so: an overwhelming feeling of wanting to break out of the prison that this vehicle often imposes and an all encompassing desire to leap into the reality of what it actually means to be Me. I’m not sure that sounds terribly pagan, but I’m discovering that this really is the heart of my path. I’m not talking about some pseudo-spiritual naval gazing exercise that is little more than a manipulation of the emotions of the psychologically fragile, but rather a true and dynamic spiritual journey to Myself. The heart of Me.

Somehow, somewhere, there is a balance, a dynamic, powerful, vital and real balance between being alive in this vehicle, and being truly Spirit, truly Me. Somewhere there’s a coming together of the two, some kind of divine relationship, yet at the same time both are separate. Today walking up the Tor was wonderful in a very physical, earthy, grounded sense. Rain was in the air, but it wasn’t really raining, the wind was blowing in my face, even taking my breath away at times. The view was interchanging between dark clouds, mist and heavy rain on the horizon to lovely warming sunny intervals where I could see for miles. I was so aware of every human emotion and the joy and wonder of actually being in this vehicle at this moment in time – in the now. It was lovely, it was great and I felt really alive in this body and my body loved the immediate connection with all that was around me. It was like a celebration of my humanity. Grounded, Earthed, I was part of everything that I could see and touch; I was connected with and to everything, but in a very physical sense and also in a very sexual sense. It was a wonder.

At Chalice Well I stood in my favourite place, between the two Yews. I love this spot as much as the actual Wellhead, as for me it resonates such a powerful energy of the reality of balance, of standing between the worlds, and of my calling to hold this balance in so many different ways. As I stood there I could feel myself falling, and I was falling and spiralling, yet at the same time I knew I was connected to this vast web, the Web Of Life. I could see myself on this Web and knew my part and role on the Web and although it felt like I had no control, I had total control. I had such a sense of connection, of being one with and part of the All. I was nothing, yet Everything, all at the same time, so small, yet huge and vast because I am part of the All, weak, yet so ultimately powerful, because, once again, I am part of the All.

As I walked to the Wellhead my mind was rushing with all these things I do that are simply just reflections of the me that I’ve been moulded to me, and not the me that is truly the me before name and form. Even work, my job, is in so many ways a falsification of type. Even the Bower Hinton Bike Ride that is in so many ways so very important, faded into nothing as I walked to the Wellhead and became simply another guy rope that was holding me back from a real sense of personal freedom. I saw, again, a need for another round of letting go!

Back in Glastonbury town centre I met someone who in reality I only know in a very superficial way, but today we spoke on a deeper level. She asked how I was, and I thought I would answer honestly as opposed to offering the usual socially polite tripe. At one point she said “It often seems like we find ourselves in the same place, but actually each time we find ourselves in a familiar place, we’re actually there needing to go deeper” and for me that was something of a confirmation of where I have been recently. There have been times where it has felt like I’ve been treading water, or going round in circles, and at times this has even caused me to doubt the reality of my spirituality, but actually I’ve been walking a labyrinth of continual initiation, a walk into and our from the heart of Me, the heart of Goddess and God.

Sometimes it feels like a labyrinth of fire, yet fire is the element of transformation. Fire brings freedom, spiritual reality, and power, it brings real and lasting change, it is cleansing, transforming, releasing, renewing, energizing. It brings light to ones path, and it burns away the dross, the rubbish, the clutter and it leaves the finest gold. It’s the element of alchemy, and I think this is the cauldron I’ve been in, in recent weeks!



The challenge now is to move on from here and not procrastinate. A real and magickal work is taking place, and I need to move with it into a new place.