Quite A Journey

Yet again it seems as though I have disappeared off the face of the earth! It's been ages since I have posted here, but that is simply because I've not been able to see to make any posts! Whilst I tried writing in large fonts in a Word document, and then copying the article to my blog, I found that even this caused me eye strain as I was not able to see the keyboard properly.

Thankfully I feel that I am now through the worst. I have new glasses and these appear to have corrected my problem with close vision. The lens that has been inserted into my eye that works has corrected my long and middle vision. My eye pressure that was way too high now appears to be within normal limits once again, indicating that it probably was a reaction to the steroid drops that were prescribed.

It's been a real journey and I will confess to having travelled to some pretty dark places during this time. I don't have the time or the energy to post about them now, but I am sure that they will inform posts I make in the future. I have been forced to face a number of shadows in my closet and I feel that I have come out of this particular journey changed. It really feels as though I have been back in that cauldron of transformation - once again!

How have these events changed me? I feel more in control of myself and feel less prone to allowing others to take over the steering wheel of my life. I feel my priorities are clearer and I feel that I have a greater strength in articulating and asserting these priorities. I feel stronger in myself and I feel I know myself better. I feel I have a better grasp on what is important and, actually, I feel as though I have less ability to suffer fools! By that I mean those who get so wound up about things that actually don't really matter! I feel like a wise old fool, and the contradiction there is important!

My recent situation whilst not life threatening has been life changing. I've felt the fear and threat of that in a very real way. However, whilst midway though this journey my best friend in all the world was diagnosed with breast cancer. This was so weird, in 24 hours my dear friend went from being well and happy to being told she had an aggressive cancerous tumour and needed major surgery. It's been like blows have been coming from all sides and I really don't know why or what all of this has been about. As you can imagine, as well as my own stuff, my dear friend's journey has also been occupying my mind and taking my energy, as this is where it has been most needed. I'm so pleased to be able to say that recent tests have revealed that there has been no spread to the cancer my friend has experienced and she is now awaiting details of all the follow up care she will need. Please keep her in your thoughts, prayers and spiritual practice.

And here I am at Beltane, a time where I long to dance with the Goddess and God and feel the real power of their love coursing through my veins, providing renewed energy to every aspect and sphere of my being. I feel in need of this in a very real way. I feel quite drained, spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I look for a time of renewal this Beltane.

Release

Life and time have both run away with me these past couple of days, and I don't have that much time now, but I want to check in briefly with my blog to record something that happened in meditation this morning.

I've been drawn to spend more time practising the presence of Goddess and God, as well as meeting with my Guides and animal totems. I guess some would call it pathworking, some would call it journeying, others would call it by a hundred other terms, but for me it's been an exercise in travelling to other realms, both within and without, above and below, with the intention of meeting Deity and Guides.

Today I was pushed for time, and I think I was so mindful that I was pushed for time that things simply didn't work (I learned a valuable lesson here!) but yesterday I had a very special time. One of my Guides is called Sylvia, at least that's what I think she's called, and just as Sulis, my patron Goddess is a Mother Goddess, Sylvia is a mother figure. She is also an ancestor on my mothers side. She's strong but protective, and at one point as I was journeying to meet her I felt her embrace. I had this real sense of her moving toward me and embracing me. This was a fleeting yet powerful moment and as she did this I felt a real emotive response within me. I filled with tears and really wanted to cry because the embrace was free from all agenda. There was no ulterior motive in this embrace, it was an embrace of unconditional love with total unconditional positive regard. It was an embrace of acceptance for who I am and a real sense of pleasure for who I am. It was lovely, a truly lovely moment.

I struggle with journeying like this because of the control issues I have spoken of in other entries - I find it difficult to let go. But, it is something that I want to work with and deepen. I am conscious of the call to deepen my relationship with Deity and practising the presence of the Lord and Lady, and my Guides is key to establishing not just a cognitive relationship, but one that has true meaningful depth.

Naked

I saw today that my need to control is like putting on a suit of armour - it's a protection. As well as concealing the wounds inflicted at various stages of my life through various methods and means, it enables me to hide. However, as well as providing protection this suit of armour keeps others out. It also limits energy flow, it hinders spiritual growth because I don't stand naked before the Lord and Lady and as a result, it's not the full me, the complete me, the true me, that I present before them.

This armour also works to hinder my vision, it restricts my view. It only allows me to see straight ahead, as through a tunnel, missing those subtle, gentle things that take place on the periphery. A brief journey this morning took me through a field, but the grass was high, I couldn't see over it - yet there was a path through this field. I came to a stream and there was no way over, yet a little further along, there was a bridge that provided safe passage. Each difficult moment had a solution in the Now, at the moment it was needed. I'm never alone.

In their kind replies to recent posts, Paul spoke about letting Goddess take one by the hand as one steps into the dark, and this describes my feelings of the moment perfectly. Shepton Witch spoke about trusting in ones self and ones personal relationship with the Divine as being the most important thing, and again, this describes perfectly the place I find myself. I know that, once again, it's time to step into the dark, to embark on another phase, another part of my spiritual journey with the Lord and Lady, and this phase is about a challenge of my trust, both in myself, and of the One Divine Life. It's a stepping into the darkness, a kind of abandonment to the Lord and Lady, taking my hands off the steering wheel and allowing Them to lead, guide, direct and show the way. A shedding of the doubts and fears that are associated with the senses and the temporal, and an embracing of perfect love and perfect trust. It all sounds so easy, doesn't it?!? I think here is another process, rather than an event. Perhaps it's a series of 'little events', just as there are a series of 'little deaths' that together combine to make the spiritual journey just that, a journey, a path that has to be travelled.

The process that lies before me has been one that has been gently building over recent weeks and in many ways it's a process that has already begun. It's about taking each piece of armour off, piece by piece, examining it, understanding it, appreciating why it is there, but then setting it down. Taking it off and leaving it off, until I stand, truly naked, before Goddess and God - and in this nakedness is my true wholeness. Standing stripped of everything that I have built around me as a source of projection I find completeness and freedom.

The Death Of Control

I spent some time this morning in meditation, exploring the return of the Death card. Before long I realised that I was trying to reenact the experience of yesterday as opposed to simply 'being' and moving with the movement of spirit, both within, and without. As I noticed this I became aware of the thing that needs to die - control. I like to control my emotions, my environment and myself, I am always in control of me and this has it's root in fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of hurt - fear of death. Self preservation, although very natural reactions and inclinations, has resulted in me being a master of personal control, and this control can lead to a stilted spiritual life. Hard to go with the flow, hard to move with fluidity when one is also trying to exercise such control.

And then came greater confirmation, I asked for guidance and direction on this (probably because I want to do a little living now . . . I've had enough of dying!!) and I turned the 2 of Discs, a card that talks of the power of the Ace being polarised, a card of movement, a card of fluidity, a card that speaks of moving with the ebb and flow of the tides, of spirit. This card reinforces the message of change, but it also talks about flowing with that change, being comfortable and secure enough to go with it, as opposed to resisting and fighting the change.

Some of this is quite hard to take, as I've been in control of me for the past 45 years! The need for safety and security have informed a lot of my life decisions, as I guess they have many of us, so this is tough stuff. So many life events have taken place during my brief time in this incarnation that have threatened my existence and this has resulted in my perfecting the art of control. This isn't so much about manipulation, although I can see some of that in there at times, but purely about survival. But this survival mode has had the effect of snuffing out my own sense of self, my own faith and trust in myself and my ability to truly unwind, relax and enjoy the moment and ultimately, denied me the ability to 'go with the flow' of Spirit. To do these things is to relinquish control, to relinquish control is to feel unsafe, insecure, exposed and vulnerable but not to do these things is to miss the subtle and gentle nudges of Spirit.

This is deep stuff!

The past months have seen the Lord and Lady peel back layer upon layer, until I've been laid bare before them, and recent weeks have seen giant strides forward, but here I feel is the next lesson. Can I trust enough to let go? Can I trust me enough to let go? This is also about accepting, embracing, trusting and loving myself as I am, and thus negating the need, or the power, of approval from others.

I know that I have to stop treading water and take this next step and relax into the Now, relax into being, as Shepton Witch said and relax into my place on the Web of Life, within the Tree of Life and into that wonder of my relationship with the Divine. On one level, I have done this, and now it is though I need to let go of that final thing, or jump that final hurdle, or navigate this latest twist and turn in the continual cycle of initiation.

This is a thing of trust, of trust in me and of trust in the Lord and Lady and I didn't realise just how hard it is for me to trust - I am more cynical than I realised!

After setting my intention to meet the Lady, I had a picture of myself on a beech, waiting to meet Goddess. She opened her arms, and whilst looking back I could see the beech, all that I knew and understood, to move into her was to move into darkness. It wasn't all light and wonder, it was dark and unknown. Beyond her open arms it was black. I was being asked to take a step of faith, a step of trust, and a step in which I need to hand my control over to Her.

This is my next 'little death.'

From The Inside, Out!

It was lovely to be back in my Temple Room and back into my morning spiritual practice. I didn't have that much time, just 30 minutes, but it was so good to be able to move in the presence of the Lord and Lady and to be able to feel the touch of My Guides and animal spirits. It was like coming home after some time away, a real joy to be back in warm, familiar company.

I will confess to an audible laugh when I turned 3 Tarot cards this morning. I had asked Deity for guidance on my future, for direction, for steps to take on my path toward spiritual depth revelation, and what card did I turn again? Yep, the Death card! I had to chuckle, as well groan! I thought: "haven't I done enough dying?" evidently the answer is a resounding no! As I turned the other cards they spoke of moving forward in my tradition and moving deeper into intuition, a need to hear my own inner voice above that of the hundred other voices that clamour for attention.



This was an important morning. I called to the Lord and Lady, asking for their guidance. I also called to my Guides and totems, because I needed to hear their voice. In recent months I feel that I've travelled over a very large distance, growing as taught directly by Spirit, but this morning I felt as though I had been brought back to the start once more. Clearly there is a lesson that I am not learning, there is something that I need to learn, or at least, there is something that needs to travel to a far deeper level.

I began to see the lesson that I need to learn. I saw that whilst intellect supports my path, it isn't my path. The part of me that needs to analyse everything, understand everything, know everything, simply works to feed my chattering mind. It keeps me bound to that which holds me back, it feeds the mind only. The greatest spiritual discovery comes not from a text book, not from a blog, but from my own relationship with the Divine. The communion of Spirit with spirit. Yes, the words, traditions and experiences of others are vitally important, and my path is based upon a sound tradition and the knowledge of others feeds and nourishes my own progress and development, but there is much more than that. The heart, the centre, is my own spiritual relationship and interconnection with all things. My confidence needs to be in my own spiritual connection and the revelation that emanates from that dynamic connection.

I mistrust my own experience at times because of the criticism of others and because of my own lack of confidence in myself. I am apt to put myself down. This morning I saw that I need to have a greater confidence in my own experience and develop a trust in the gifts that I have. Believing in my intuition, believing in my own spiritual heritage, and trusting my own experience of the Divine. To put myself down is to deny Their faith in me.

This is a continuance of letting go of the false labels that have been attributed to me in the mundane world, but I also saw that whilst I am free of those things, I've been given the tools to set myself free. This is a work that comes from within, a work that results from me using the gifts I have been given - a spiritual empowerment that works from the inside, out. It's time I believed in me as much as the Lord and Lady believe in me!

I felt the call of the Lord and Lady, asking me to deeper my connection with them, and also with my Guides and totems. A time of journeying to meet them on a deeper level awaits, to build upon this relationship and to experience them. I saw one of my Guides, just briefly this morning, and I was dancing with her, but I was a child, a free child. I've always sensed this Guide as a Mother figure, and I saw her as such this morning. All of this seems to speak to me of walking away from fear - one of my biggest hurdles, and moving into this relationship of trust that means trust self as much as the Divine.

Soul Reunion

This quote struck me quite profoundly today ". . . death itself is an ecstasy like love, but more intense, the reunion of the soul with its true self."

I'm sure pages have been written about such a statement, as the depth of this comment, the profundity of it, is not lost on me. In death we are reunited with Goddess and God, once again whole, as we were before we entered into this incarnation. We are returned to that place of love, that place of power as love that was once divided is here, once again, complete. This life is, in effect, a journey, a path, a longing even, to return to that place from whence we came and, as such, in this life, as much as in death and then rebirth, can we commence that journey of becoming who we really are, returning to who we were intended to be, before name and form. Our experience of life has caused us to adapt, to change, because this is how we survive the mundane, the day to day living, yet as we continue to do this day after day, year after year, we loose connection not only with Source, but also with who we truly are. Spiritual practice, our spiritual journey, brings us to a place where we are able to re-establish that connection with the Lord and Lady. She of the starry heavens, He of the Wildwood, our First Parents, Goddess and God who gave us life. Here, in whatever form our spiritual practice takes, as our connection is deepened with Divinity, so our connection is made with Self, our true Self. We begin to become who we were always intended to be, that journey of returning is commenced.