I spent some time this morning in meditation, exploring the return of the Death card. Before long I realised that I was trying to reenact the experience of yesterday as opposed to simply 'being' and moving with the movement of spirit, both within, and without. As I noticed this I became aware of the thing that needs to die - control. I like to control my emotions, my environment and myself, I am always in control of me and this has it's root in fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of hurt - fear of death. Self preservation, although very natural reactions and inclinations, has resulted in me being a master of personal control, and this control can lead to a stilted spiritual life. Hard to go with the flow, hard to move with fluidity when one is also trying to exercise such control.
And then came greater confirmation, I asked for guidance and direction on this (probably because I want to do a little living now . . . I've had enough of dying!!) and I turned the 2 of Discs, a card that talks of the power of the Ace being polarised, a card of movement, a card of fluidity, a card that speaks of moving with the ebb and flow of the tides, of spirit. This card reinforces the message of change, but it also talks about flowing with that change, being comfortable and secure enough to go with it, as opposed to resisting and fighting the change.
Some of this is quite hard to take, as I've been in control of me for the past 45 years! The need for safety and security have informed a lot of my life decisions, as I guess they have many of us, so this is tough stuff. So many life events have taken place during my brief time in this incarnation that have threatened my existence and this has resulted in my perfecting the art of control. This isn't so much about manipulation, although I can see some of that in there at times, but purely about survival. But this survival mode has had the effect of snuffing out my own sense of self, my own faith and trust in myself and my ability to truly unwind, relax and enjoy the moment and ultimately, denied me the ability to 'go with the flow' of Spirit. To do these things is to relinquish control, to relinquish control is to feel unsafe, insecure, exposed and vulnerable but not to do these things is to miss the subtle and gentle nudges of Spirit.
This is deep stuff!
The past months have seen the Lord and Lady peel back layer upon layer, until I've been laid bare before them, and recent weeks have seen giant strides forward, but here I feel is the next lesson. Can I trust enough to let go? Can I trust me enough to let go? This is also about accepting, embracing, trusting and loving myself as I am, and thus negating the need, or the power, of approval from others.
I know that I have to stop treading water and take this next step and relax into the Now, relax into being, as Shepton Witch said and relax into my place on the Web of Life, within the Tree of Life and into that wonder of my relationship with the Divine. On one level, I have done this, and now it is though I need to let go of that final thing, or jump that final hurdle, or navigate this latest twist and turn in the continual cycle of initiation.
This is a thing of trust, of trust in me and of trust in the Lord and Lady and I didn't realise just how hard it is for me to trust - I am more cynical than I realised!
After setting my intention to meet the Lady, I had a picture of myself on a beech, waiting to meet Goddess. She opened her arms, and whilst looking back I could see the beech, all that I knew and understood, to move into her was to move into darkness. It wasn't all light and wonder, it was dark and unknown. Beyond her open arms it was black. I was being asked to take a step of faith, a step of trust, and a step in which I need to hand my control over to Her.
This is my next 'little death.'