Wednesday, 16 July 2008

The Death Of Control

I spent some time this morning in meditation, exploring the return of the Death card. Before long I realised that I was trying to reenact the experience of yesterday as opposed to simply 'being' and moving with the movement of spirit, both within, and without. As I noticed this I became aware of the thing that needs to die - control. I like to control my emotions, my environment and myself, I am always in control of me and this has it's root in fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of hurt - fear of death. Self preservation, although very natural reactions and inclinations, has resulted in me being a master of personal control, and this control can lead to a stilted spiritual life. Hard to go with the flow, hard to move with fluidity when one is also trying to exercise such control.

And then came greater confirmation, I asked for guidance and direction on this (probably because I want to do a little living now . . . I've had enough of dying!!) and I turned the 2 of Discs, a card that talks of the power of the Ace being polarised, a card of movement, a card of fluidity, a card that speaks of moving with the ebb and flow of the tides, of spirit. This card reinforces the message of change, but it also talks about flowing with that change, being comfortable and secure enough to go with it, as opposed to resisting and fighting the change.

Some of this is quite hard to take, as I've been in control of me for the past 45 years! The need for safety and security have informed a lot of my life decisions, as I guess they have many of us, so this is tough stuff. So many life events have taken place during my brief time in this incarnation that have threatened my existence and this has resulted in my perfecting the art of control. This isn't so much about manipulation, although I can see some of that in there at times, but purely about survival. But this survival mode has had the effect of snuffing out my own sense of self, my own faith and trust in myself and my ability to truly unwind, relax and enjoy the moment and ultimately, denied me the ability to 'go with the flow' of Spirit. To do these things is to relinquish control, to relinquish control is to feel unsafe, insecure, exposed and vulnerable but not to do these things is to miss the subtle and gentle nudges of Spirit.

This is deep stuff!

The past months have seen the Lord and Lady peel back layer upon layer, until I've been laid bare before them, and recent weeks have seen giant strides forward, but here I feel is the next lesson. Can I trust enough to let go? Can I trust me enough to let go? This is also about accepting, embracing, trusting and loving myself as I am, and thus negating the need, or the power, of approval from others.

I know that I have to stop treading water and take this next step and relax into the Now, relax into being, as Shepton Witch said and relax into my place on the Web of Life, within the Tree of Life and into that wonder of my relationship with the Divine. On one level, I have done this, and now it is though I need to let go of that final thing, or jump that final hurdle, or navigate this latest twist and turn in the continual cycle of initiation.

This is a thing of trust, of trust in me and of trust in the Lord and Lady and I didn't realise just how hard it is for me to trust - I am more cynical than I realised!

After setting my intention to meet the Lady, I had a picture of myself on a beech, waiting to meet Goddess. She opened her arms, and whilst looking back I could see the beech, all that I knew and understood, to move into her was to move into darkness. It wasn't all light and wonder, it was dark and unknown. Beyond her open arms it was black. I was being asked to take a step of faith, a step of trust, and a step in which I need to hand my control over to Her.

This is my next 'little death.'


Paul said...

The future is always dark and unknown and beyond the future is the darkness of the tomb. It takes a great deal of courage to step into the dark and let Goddess take you by the hand. Trust in Her and She will take you places you never dreamt you would ever go. Those who truly live do not try and control, they willingly step into the dark. Great post :)

Andy said...

"Those who truly live do not try and control, they willingly step into the dark." - what a wonderful, powerful and true statement. Thank you so much for that, Paul, it really speaks to me.

Anonymous said...

Peace Andy,

Powerful and honest post. I can relate to much of what you say. Expressed in an Islamic idiom, this encapsulates the human struggle to always surrender to the divine (the root meaning of Islam). Although the journey is eternal (in that one can never come to a place and say, 'I am perfect'), it does have all sorts of levels - all of which seek to strip away later accretions, to stand naked before the divine, as it were. Muhammad said (peace be upon him) of this stage: 'It is to serve/worship God as though you see Him, and though you see Him not, know that He sees you'.

Abdur Rahman

Andy said...

Peace Abdur

Thank you so much for your comment. I've added your blog to my Blogroll.

Surrender is the challenge that I am feeling, I think, and I've expressed in various posts on my blog, it does feel to me as though this is a continual thing, something that happens layer by layer, stage by stage, to an ever increasing depth. It's encouraging to see that this experience is reflected in other paths as at times one can feel very alone!

Standing before the Divine is just how I have been feeling of late, and I reflect this in my post above. It is about surrender, a sense of abandonment and trust in the Divine that takes one further into the next stage of spiritual development.

Thank you so much for your contribution, Abdur.