The motives of ones one self are hard to define. We all do things because we have needs, and we want our needs met. The most pure of friendships exists because we have need of company, or the person brings into our life something that we need, even if just for a passing moment. It's a reciprocal thing, rarely altruistic in nature. So really examining ones own motives is a tough thing, but a necessary requirement. If we can't be honest with ourselves, who can we be honest with?
Calling Goddess to shine Her light into those dark and dusty corners of ones own experience isn't a comfortable thing, but it's a necessary thing. In her book Dion Fortune talks of the problems that could occur should Higher Self manifest in a body that is ill prepared - she cites St Paul being temporarily blinded on the Damascus Road as an example. Again, I shirk a little from the Christian analogy, although it serves a purpose.
There is something serious here. A need to apply oneself to the task in hand, of daring to be honest and frank with self and lowering the mask, even if it is just for me to look at! How honest are we being with ourselves about ourselves? When we are alone, truly alone, are we comfortable with ourselves?
I wrote some time ago about Crowley and how he felt it so important that we should write our own philosophy and be clear about what it was we were seeking and why. It kind of echoes Dion Fortunes words in the Training and Work Of An Initiate, in that she says, so clearly, that it's pivotal we release the bondage of the senses and of the flesh - that our desires become a desire for that true connection with the One Divine Life.
It's not that life ends, it's not that pleasure ends, it's not that fun ends, it's not that we cease to be, rather it's that we start the process of 'becoming', we begin that process of transformation, transition by transition, becoming who we really are. This must start with personal honestly, being clear about motives, where we are and where we want to be. Establishing that foundation of truth and personal integrity.
I'm not sure what's happened in these past few days, but I know that I've taken a step forward, I'm in a new place, yet not entirely sure where I am.
New Moon is coming up and I'm thinking of writing a brief ritual of my desire to move forward, a kind of setting my intention towards initiation, and seeing this grow and develop as the Moon waxes. It's a journey, and the journey of a lifetime, but this does feel like something of a new beginning.