I had one of those special moments today where I met someone and it was like I'd known her for years. An older lady who was looking for someone to take her slot over in the ticket office at Chalice Well of a Saturday morning. I'd love to be able to do that, but with working full time it just wouldn't be practical, which is unfortunate, but the present reality. We walked back to the Glastonbury High Street together, just chatting, but chatting like friends and at some moments about quite deep stuff. She asked about work and I told her what I did and she reflected that it must be very stressful. I agreed and said that I wonder what will be left of me when I retire in 20 years. "There won't be anything left" she said, and she's not wrong. She told me about the time her husband, who was a senior probation officer, came home from work and informed the family that he had quit. The family cheered! I smiled, knowing that this is what I would like to do, but again, the practicalities of life take over. "You're always fighting yourself, aren't you?" she said, and again I agreed, there is this aspect of me. It's the Virgo with Leo rising element of me! I'm always learning the lesson of 'being' as opposed to 'doing' - it really is something of a cyclical lesson. I'd like to have the vision and bravery of her husband, but much as I would like to, it's a step that I don't feel able to take at this time. The cold reality of bills to pay and stuff can feel like a millstone around my neck at times, having what feels like a stranglehold on an otherwise productive and fruitful spiritual life. It's a balance thing again, I guess, and I don't have to feel 'less than' just because I hold down a demanding full time job - but at the same time, neither can I use it as an excuse for not moving forward on my chosen path. All to often I see the work me and spiritual me as opposing elements, whereas what I would love to do would be to truly integrate the both. That feels like an impossible dream at times, as the work ethic often contradicts my own personal ethic.
I think it's something that I hand to the Lord and Lady and ask simply that they guide me in the right steps to take and throw opportunities across my path that may cause me to start being able to move in a new direction - whilst there's still enough of me left!