I am really sorry that I've not had time to post on the many blogs I read, but I'm pretty tied up with rehearsing for a musical thing I'm involved with at the weekend! You can read about it on my other web site, I won't go on about it at length here. All I will say is please wish me luck - goodness knows I need it!
I'm frustrated at the moment, frustrated because I know that I have both a need and a desire to break through into a new place of spiritual and magickal experience, but I feel as though I'm stuck. I feel as though I've reached a plateaux and need to move on, but I'm being held back, and I'm being held back by my own natural defences. When I reflect back to Dion Fortunes comments around breaking free from the power of the senses and 'the flesh' I tend to interpret it this way for me, as opposed to some chastisement for indulging carnal desire. 'The flesh' fears, it has anxiety, it doubts and it learns how to protect itself from the things that trigger such reactions, but at the same time it also keeps the good things out. The person who has been hurt by love, for example, will shy away from love the next time. They will avoid getting hurt by love, but they will also miss out on the joy, excitement and passion of love. I feel a bit like that at the moment, as though I'm something of a closed book. I need to open to Spirit, to the One Divine Life in a way that I haven't managed before, but yet I still resist. My own body is in protection mode, and I need to break it of that and let the real me out!
That's not that I'm lying about me now! My sense of self awareness is acute and well tuned, but Younger Self needs to come out to play in a way that he hasn't for many a long time. He needs to indulge his sense of fun and games and I see Saturday as being part of that. The camp sense of theatre will be just what Andrew likes - provided it isn't another game of hiding and pretence. I can't afford for it to be about seeing approval and affirmation, but it does need to be a letting Andrew free ocassion!
Working elementally I have given these negative emotions of my body to the Lord and Lady. I've released doubts and fears to Air, I've seen worry and a sense of inferiority transmuted in Fire, I've seen anxiety and a drive for perfection washed and cleaned in Water and I've looked to these things becoming a reality in my physical experience in Earth. These things do not define me! It is the Lord and Lady who provide me with my true identity: A Son of the Lord and Lady! A Priest and Magickal Being! I am not subjugated, I am strong and powerful because I am of Goddess and God because they are immanent. I need to move on to what I actually Am and away from what I am not.
I have worked elementally in meditation, but I think I need to formalise this in ritual and ceremony, to build on what has been happening these past few days and to work elementally within ritual and powerfully enter into the experience of releasing these things. Following this, it will then be important to act in accord with the fruit of the ritual.
It's also time to stop writing about it, and actually get on with the work in hand!