Essence Of Me

It's strange, considering that I talked about stability the other day, as I turned the 9 of Cups in my meditation yesterday, and this card talks about stability - the stability that comes from building on a firm and strong foundation, and this foundation arrives from the assimilation of all that I have been talking about here in recent months. Pagan bookshops are full of books that have instant spells, instant initiation, instant this, that and the other, but true initiation, true spirituality, is anything but instant. It comes from commitment, dedication, preparation and genuine surrender to the Lord and Lady.

The internal work I have been speaking about is something that is on-going, it's a process that needs to continue, as it is one that is leading me deeper into the experience of the manifestation of Higher Self - it's leading to initiation. These past couple of days work has taken over again, but now I need to claim some time back and over the weekend I want to get back into the Dion Fortune book, not to follow it slavishly, but in order to learn from her own experience and wisdom. I know that I have changed quite a lot in recent weeks, Spirit is at work, and I want this work to continue. For this to happen, I need to clear some space, and that can be as simply as taking an hour out with a book!

Transformation and growth is the fruit of my Pagan journey. Theurgy is what it is all about for me, my own personal transformation. My hearts desire is to experience what I once read as the 'ecstatic embrace of the Divine' and for me, this is about deepening my connection with the One Divine Life. I know I am connected, and I know that I experience this connection in a real way, but I want to move further forward in genuine and real experience of this.

This comes, I am sure, from a place of rest. I remember reading a text by Crowley where he spoke about ones own true will being not about purpose. I need to revisit the text, as I didn't fully comprehend the entire piece at the time, but I do remember being left with an impression of true spiritual experience coming not from some desperate seeking of meaning, but rather from a deep and profound revelation of ones true self, who one is as opposed to what one does. I'm sure Crowley meant more than that, but at the moment, it's that aspect that is talking to me the strongest. So the dedication, the commitment, the work that one needs to apply comes not from some desperate neurotic need to please or impress, as with the Lord and Lady there are no points to win, as love is there no matter what. No, it comes not from striving, but from a place of peace and a place of inner commitment to change, and a sense of knowing that this change will be for ones highest good and that the change will bring one to a place of knowing ones own true will. Simply Being.

And this brings me back to something that Shepton Witch said a few days ago, and, strangely, was something I think I said to her at much the same time, so it had to be right - it's about ones own true essence; that 'essence of me.' This is the true constant because this is who I was before name and form, before I adapted to this mundane world. It's about recapturing that essence of me and allow that to seep through all the other stuff.This is the me that Goddess and God see when they look at me, and this is the me I need to start seeing when I look in the mirror.