Journeying this morning to meet my Younger Self introduced me to a Younger Self full of adaptations. Younger Self learned to be a people pleaser, someone who knew how to conduct himself to minimise the risk of fallout - the risk of anger and also ridicule. Younger Self had learned the art of protection, not in classes of self defence, but the self defence mechanisms were equally as finely honed and well practiced. Most especially effective was the art of vanishing achieved through blending in with the crowd, of disappearing into the background. Younger Self was ruled by fear, fear of bulling, of aggression, of anger, yet equally of being smothered with emotion. Younger Self felt rejected, abandoned, bullied, scared, nervous but so much of this was effectively hidden as Younger Self learned to become an effective actor, to deflect the pain in such a way that few people, if any, knew what was really going on inside. So much was internalised, hidden, masked and never spoken of through fear of appearing something of a failure as this would only confirm to Younger Self what he always thought - that he was indeed a failure. This had been confirmed through words and actions by too many people not to be true.
Younger Self anticipates put downs, ridicule and failure, resulting in a perfectionist streak that is far too driven. The roots of this can be traced back to the words and echoes of those in positions of power. There is a huge undercurrent of anger in Younger Self that has never fully been expressed due to the misconception, again imposed by others, that such an expression would simply be an unacceptable loss of personal control. Younger Self can be too passive-aggressive, and learned, eventually, to become a kind of controller himself.
I don't want to go on about this at length, not because I can't deal with things, but because I see little worth or value in spilling it all out here. Neither do I want people to misconstrue that in sharing this I am seeking sympathy or anything remotely like that - I know that all of us can point to pain in our past, all of us can also equally point to times in our lives where we have caused others pain. I write this simply as a record of a journey, albeit a journey into very familiar territory. I want to be emotionally honest without being over emotional, if that makes any sense at all. It makes perfect sense to me!
What is key here, for me, is to release Younger Self from this prison of fear and adaptations. I can see, quite clearly, how this imprisoned Younger Self limits, restricts and hinders my spiritual growth. In different ways I've been here before, but the restriction remains, so there has to be a breaking through of the barrier whereby Younger Self can be truly released into a place of freedom and creativity, of joy and exuberance, free from fear, recrimination and a deep seated feeling of needing to keep everyone happy. Free from a false and imposed sense of duty into a carefree celebration of what it means to be free child, free Younger Self, full of energy and vitality, truly carefree.
I need to explore this further, and as I do, there needs to be a time of healing, a time of cleaning, a time of balance, all leading to wholeness.
In my Tarot meditation this morning I turned the Page of Cups. That first impulse of the element of water. Water, the place of depth, of intuition, of emotion, of feeling, of cleansing and of healing. A time of reflection, looking into the water and seeing the true self reflected back, the free self. The person I was always intended to be, before name and form, before adaptation. There's undoing to be done, forgiveness given and received. Here too, is a place of wisdom.
Great worth and value will come from this part of my journey.