Sunday, 18 May 2008

Undeserving

The following is some incoherent ramblings from my Psychic Artist reading today. It's all rather random, but I've written it just as it comes before I forget it all and I'm not going to edit it as it needs to be just as it is!

From the reading I had to today, coupled with the work that I have been undertaking in recent weeks, I'm seeing that the core issue with my Younger Self is that he feels undeserving. Andrew does not believe that he has a right to receive good things. This makes him hungry for things he seeks outside of himself, because he desperately feels he needs those things, but when they come, in whatever form, he does not believe he deserves them. Andrew struggles to receive because he does not feel worthy to receive. Christian indoctrination from the past, mixed with abuses from others through the years have created something of an emotional and psychological roller coaster ride that have left Andrew believing that he needs to give, give and give again of himself in order to gain some kind of worth. This has eroded his sense of personal identity, his sense of validity - my sense of my Own True Will.

There is a powerful work of reclaiming that needs to take place, a real and genuine space clearing, a moving into a new realm of being, one that asserts my right to be because I am part of All That Is. I need no excuses, I need make no apology, I need not excuse myself because I have a right to be who I am and I am innocent. I am me, with a right to be. As Malcolm X once said:

"We declare our right on this earth . . . "

and I have a right to move into my full birthright. I don't have to earn it, I don't have to deserve it, I simply have to accept it - accept the gift because of who I am, not what I think I should be or what anyone else tells me I should be. This declaration of birthright comes not from a neurotic angst driven determination, but from a place of quiet, still, contemplative assurance in who I am, what I am, my place on the Web and my Own True Will.

This is frustrating in a way, because it's stuff that I know and have known for years - but somehow it's falling into place in a more powerful way that before. It's like it's taking on a new resonance, a new power - it all seems fresh and living in a way that it hasn't before.

Freedom is a big thing for Andrew, having felt caged most of his life by rules and regulations, by the expectations and demands of others. A cry for freedom that has led to some serious dead ends, but a freedom that again already exists within. It's all found within.

There is also a sense of awareness, of intuition, gifts that are mine and that I need to walk into to a far deeper level that I have thus far. This will bring secret knowledge and the ability to work on a deep soul level with both self and others.

I long for direction and I need to start sending out my own vibrations from my place on the Web. I need to stick my neck and chin out and make some waves. My destiny is in my own hands and although I need to know my calling and sense of that there is also something about creating my own reality through the assertion of my Own True Will. I need to start making things happen as opposed to waiting for everything to come falling into my lap. As I work from a place of my Own True Will, that place of personal clarity, then things will start to happen, things will begin to move forward.

Andrew needs the nurture and love that my family member Guide will bring. I think her name is Sylvia, but I have no reason why I think that. She brings wisdom, love, protection, assurance and teaches and leads, but she also expects Andrew to grow, respond and move into all that he is learning. Andrew can come out of the shadows into the light through that process of transformation, one phase of transition following another, each 'little death' leading to another new birth which is the continual process of initiation. I must walk through the open door, and it is an open door, from this phase of my development into my new place, my new level, my new place of initiation.

it's a trust thing. Me (Talking Self) the one who is typing this, needs to parent and befriend Andrew (Younger Self) so he feels confident enough to step out into this new world. It is a trust thing, it is a confidence thing - courage is required, but courage that is based on the fact that I am held in a place of love by the Divine and that Andrew will be looked after. He is also needed for who and what he is - his innate gifts are needed.

Procrastination is over, it's time to move forward. Not in a sense of making things happen out of human activity, nervous anxiety or neurosis, but from vibrating my place on the Web, making my spiritual presence felt and moving into the good and positive things that are going to open up as a result.

2 comments:

wiccanwanderings said...

Sylvia means 'wooded' or 'forest'; could this have a meaning? It's interesting in the context of guidance through life!

Andy said...

Very interesting indeed, TGW! You're right, in context of guidance, there's something about 'seeing the wood for the trees' but there's also something about roots, belonging, interconnectedness . . . interesting!