Tears and Hallucinations

It's been a strange old time and it's been a tough old time. I set up this blog in order for it to act as a timeline of my own spiritual development, a kind of on line journal or a diary, something that would work to act as a series of markers in the sand of particular milestones, rites of passage and of my journey through the valleys as well as my walks upon the mountain tops. These past weeks, although not borne in meditation, ritual or ceremony, have seen something of a change within me and this has been borne from nothing other than 'living my life'. It's been stressful, difficult, painful, scary and demanding and I kid you not, I feel absolutely shattered emotionally, physically and spiritually. I'm feeling somewhat spent right now. I have a strong inpatient sense of frustration about this.

Seeing my father in hospital, wired up to heaven knows how many machines, drains and drips everywhere, taking a cocktail of pills and potions has had a powerful effect upon me and in truth I don't fully understand or appreciate the depth or profundity of that effect. I'm in here in this incarnation for a reason and a purpose, no doubt, and I am sure that this present moment in time is all part of that plan, but I don't quite get the lesson at the moment. Seeing my dad in this fragile state has sent me back to so many times in my childhood as well as catapulting me into possible eventualities in the future that I'd rather not think about. It's caused me to reflect on great times, times of regret, and also of unsaid things that probably need to be said. There have been times when I've felt like a child in adult clothes, scared and wanting my parents to look out for me, yet as I look at them both, there have been times, many times recently, where the look in their eyes has been calling out for me to do the self same thing for them. That's tough and difficult to handle. It's more than a role reversal, it's something of a dynamic inner change. I also don't want to do anything that robs them of their own control over their lives and destiny - I don't want to take them over. All I've been able to do is be there for them, and I hope that's enough and I hope it tells them I love them, because I do.

I've had a funny old time with my parents. As born again Christians they were unable to cope with my sexuality and through my coming out I was sent away not only from the family home, but the town as well. The Christian Church disowned me and a rift appeared between my parents and I. My eventual embracing of pagan spirituality did little to heal that rift. However, over time a bridge has been made and a new relationship established and that's such a comfort and joy to me. They still don't fully approve of what they see as my 'choice of sexuality' although I don't see where choice comes into it, and I don't go into detail with them about my spiritual practice, as I see little purpose in that, I know they struggle with it and why put them through that? However, the fruit of my path, and perhaps theirs also, as led to us all being in a new place. The fact that I am able to provide such a strong level of support at the moment, at a time when they really need it, is a powerful testimony to a significant period of healing, and that's a wonderful thing. So that's one positive thing in the midst of all this.

Spiritually I feel a bit all over the place. I've not been able to focus on anything in particular, as my mind and concentration is shot. I'm finding it hard to give myself to anything at the moment, as my head seems to be dealing with so many thoughts and things that I need to do. I'm not happy about that as I feel I should be doing better in this regard, I should be more disciplined and more in control of myself and this situation. That's what my Inner Critic is telling me anyway, and I have to agree with him to a degree! "This is a lesson in powerlessness" my partner said, and whilst I understand where he is coming from in his humanistic approach to life, I don't like hearing it because I feel if I were in a stronger, more powerful place, I wouldn't be powerless. I'd be able to harness the natural forces in nature and do something more positive and effectual for my father, and indeed for my mother. So I'm not happy about that and I'm feeling somewhat feeble spiritually. I don't know if that makes any sense at all - I guess I'm just beating myself up when I shouldn't be I suppose.

Dad was told that for a while following his triple heart by-pass that he would have a couple days where he would feel emotional. Seeing ones 76 year old father cry is incredibly humbling. Not embarrassing, not uncomfortable, not something that I wanted to ignore, simply humbling. The old stiff British lip crumbled and he cried, not really knowing why and not really having any control over it. I think it was a combination of medication, his body's shock following such radical surgery and probably a sense of relief of still being here. I'm sure an operation of this scale forces one to face ones own apparent mortality, even for a born again Christian. "Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine, oh what a foretaste of glory divine" we used to sing as a family in Church, and I have no doubt at all that my fathers faith has been tested in this area. I'm not about to criticise him for his faith or his path. It may not be my path, I have serious questions and problems with it, but I won't deny his right to it. I obviously ask the same of him. This open expression of humanity, a place where roles were momentarily suspended and we came together as people without boundaries and pretence was special for me. It's an odd moment to treasure, I guess, but I do feel a sense of privilege that I was able to share that moment.

So he is home now, following the surgery, and appears to be slowly improving. There are some concerns around recent blood tests, and these worry me slightly, as they could potentially point to other problems, but I'm trying to put those concerns to one side as nothing definite has been said at this time. He's looking better each day, if only in very small ways, but I take that as positive. I just want his confidence in himself and in life to start returning, as his 'stuffing' has been knocked out of him, that's for sure. The pills he is on give him some concerning hallucinations at times, and they're not pleasant for him at all, but many of his medications are on a reducing programme, so I hope that soon enough this too will pass.

For me, I'm not sure what this period of time is all about. Clearly it's about cementing, reestablishing and to a degree, redefining, relationships, but I'm sure there are deeper things for me to get to grips with here as well. I want to grow out of this situation, to become stronger and find myself in a more spiritually robust place, but at the moment, I'm still feeling as though I'm in something of a fog, looking for the open door.

Pagan Prayer Request

Regular readers of this blog will know that my father has been expecting to undergo heart by-pass surgery. He will be having his operation on Monday 24 November at 1200 GMT. Please can I ask that the friends I have made via this blog think of him, pray to your Gods, light a candle, stand in your power, whatever it is your spiritual path leads you to do, and remember him? As you can imagine, it's a bit of a scary time for him, my mother (mum and dad are pictured here), my family and loved ones. My regular posting here has been somewhat interrupted by this, but I know I will be back, just as I am sure that he will return to health and strength. Please, stand with me in this, in whatever way you are led.

With my love and blessings.

Andy

Strange Times

A huge thank you to everyone who has left 'get well' wishes for me in recent weeks, I really have appreciated your thoughts and intentions. I don't know where this 'bug' came from, really, but it's hit me for six, it really did take the legs from under me. I've been feverish, coughing, sneezing and generally feeling really very unwell. I'm also aware that I have passed it on to at least 5 other people, one being my partner, the rest being work colleagues! Guess who is not exactly Mr Popular around these parts at the moment?!?

This bug, which although called 'Man Flu' by some, really has been rather vicious, has managed to sap me of all my physical energy. I've worked through it, I've not taken sick leave, but when I've come home from work, I've just collapsed on the sofa and I've also been going to bed earlier and getting up later. Consequently, my spiritual practice has suffered somewhat, and whilst I'm not happy about that, there's been little, in any practical sense, that I've been able to do about it. This is another reason why I've not posted here in recent weeks - there's been little to say! I've felt in something of a spiritual backwater, and it's not been a comfortable experience, especially as so much exciting stuff was happening leading up to episode. I guess in a way I'm looking for meaning within it all, but I'm not seeing a clear picture at the moment.

My professional life has also been playing something of a key role in terms of my silence. I've had an a project delegated to me, which has arrived, as ever, on top of my current workload, and it's been taking up an inordinate amount of time. This project, as well as taking up physical time, over and above my normal working hours, has also been sapping me physically and emotionally, as well as having something of a psychological effect. In short - it's been a really tough time work wise! I don't want to go into detail, it would be wrong, unprofessional and indiscrete, but lets just say that the past few weeks haven't exactly been my most favourite period of my professional life! Admittedly, I've taken this project on whilst not feeling in the best of health, and the stress of this project has probably led to the length and indeed depth of this particular episode, so something of a vicious circle - not helped by one week when my manager and colleagues were all on annual leave!

I also have the worry of my father. Regular readers (and I hope there's still a few of you out there!) will know that my father has been poorly. Well, on Sunday 24 November I will be taking him to Bristol Royal Infirmary where he will be undergoing a triple, and possible quadruple, heart by-pass. This is clearly a huge ordeal, and at 76, it's an even bigger challenge. He has the actual operation on Monday 25 and I would appreciate all the thoughts, pagan prayers, healing incantations, protection, spells, anything and everything that your own spiritual practice affords. I know he is going through this operation because he wants to be able to experience more time with the love of his wife (my mother) and family, so I hope that intention is what will carry him through. As a devout Christian, he wouldn't appreciate the sincerity of the spiritual pagan, but I know we rise above such things, so please remember him, my mother, me and my wider family in your practice.

So that's about me at the moment. Whilst poorly I have read 'The Secrets Of Dr Taverner' by Dion Fortune, and, in the character of Rhodes in the stories, I can see something of my own spiritual development mapped out in front of me. This book is a collection of short stories, some perhaps twee, some dated, yet they all contain spiritual truth, magical teachings, admonishments and lessons to the wise. The last two paragraphs of the entire book contain, for me, a vision of where I want to be. It seems that so much is stacked up against me in this mundane world, at the moment, acting as something of a barrier to my own progress. However, the lesson for me here is how I negotiate this series of hurdles . . . yet another lesson, and I still don't feel I have the physical energy, as yet, to attempt this negotiation, but negotiate it I must.

I'll sign off by quoting the final two paragraphs, and I wish you love and blessings:

Above me on the hill the great granite cross cut the stars, a Keltic cross, with a circle of eternity superimposed on the outheld arms of renunciation. The mist had come up and blotted out the low-lying land towards Frencham till I seemed to be alone on a crater of the moon. Cut off from all human influences, high up on the stark heights of the moors, I met my soul face to face while the unseen life that rose like a sea drew back as if to give me room for my decision.

And I hesitated, longing to plunge into that wonderful life, yet dreading it; when suddenly something gripped me by the heart and pulled me through. I cannot describe it better than that. I had passed an invisible barrier and was on the other side of it. Consciousness steadied again, the world was unchanged, there above my head still loomed the great cross, and yet in all things there was a profound difference, for to me, they had suddenly become alive. Not only were they alive, but I shared in their life, for I was one with them. And then I knew that, isolated though I must always be in the world of men, I had this infinite companionship all about me. I was no longer alone, for, like Taverner, Marius, and many others, I had passed over into the Unseen.

Bugs!

Thanks to everyone who has been posting on my blog in recent days. I wish each and every one of you a very blessed Samhain. I've been laid somewhat low with a really horrible and heavy cold. Some may call it 'man flu' but I have been feeling really rather poorly. This bug has drained me of all my energy and has left me feeling, physically, very low. Pleased be assured that normal service will be resumed on this blog in the very near future - I just need to get myself back to physical health first!

With love and many blessings, Andy

Labyrinth of Initiation

With the energy of Samhain increasingly evident, my attention is being drawn to the reality of initiation. I’ve mentioned initiation a number of times in recent blog entries, and this is because I have been led to see the depth of initiation and also the cycle, or perhaps more correctly, the spiral of initiation. In recent days I have come to see that this is in fact a labyrinth, and in fact the initiate travels this labyrinth throughout their journey, spiralling in and out, travelling back into the centre, that place of death and rebirth, and then spiralling out once again, at a new level, at a new depth, in a new place and with a new energy, before returning once again, for a new encounter with death and rebirth. Initiation is a process, and one that is not trivial, but rather is hugely profound.

My tarot spread this week has been really very pertinent to all that has been happening with me of late and this week has seen my eyes being opened to a great deal of powerful things.

The theme this week has been very much about initiation, and a challenge from the gods to really assess and evaluate my own motives in light of what I seek. Is it about me? What I can gain? My own self projection, or is it about my own transformation through the laying down of self in order to achieve the manifestation of Higher Self? This involves travelling into the heart of the labyrinth, of daring to approach Cerridwen’s cauldron, of truly experiencing death in order to be reborn into a new place of experience and existence. There’s nothing shallow about this, the challenge this week has been clear – am I prepared for this, is it truly what I want and am I honestly prepared to bring those final bastions of resistance down to secure my hearts desire?

Initiation isn’t something that’s conferred by ceremony. Although ceremony of some kind may mark this rite of passage, it isn’t the ceremony that brings the initiation; it’s the intention of the heart of the Seeker. Motives, integrity, transparency, and openness before ones gods are key. Being honest with oneself, and with ones gods.

The journey of the labyrinth isn’t easy, because as one spirals in, so one spirals into death. At the centre of the labyrinth resides Cerridwen’s cauldron, and this is the cauldron of transformation, knowledge and rebirth, but before rebirth and knowledge can be bestowed, there has to be a death. There’s no shortcut, this process cannot be avoided, and although it may happen over many stages and on many levels, happen it must. As I am walking towards the centre, I see the various things I have laid down over time, but there is more. The cauldron represents the womb of the Mother, and I am going to be expelled from this womb, born into a new place, but before this happens, I have to let go, and let go especially of the past – even of that which I think I have learned.

I say this because although two cards spoke of initiation and motives, the third card spoke of the illusion of the past, of looking back with nostalgia, but this nostalgia is false. Things of the past may look attractive and appealing, but when I reach out for them, they disappear, or they fail to satisfy, because they have little substance. They may be full of appeal, full of sparkle, full of quick fixes and many promises, but in truth, they are empty and shallow and will leave me as such. They are illusory, and I have to walk away – and vow never to return.

In the past, when I have walked the labyrinth, it has been at much shallower levels. I have walked it on the level of emotion, or on the level of desperate seeking. Now I walk it as a matter of Will. I choose to let go, I choose to abandon myself to my gods and I choose to embrace the womb of the Dark Mother in order to be reborn. I choose the path of true initiation. I choose this because I seek to be reborn, with new eyes, new vision and with new knowledge and I want to move from the emotional and psychological to the arena of spirituality. I want the Inner Light of my Higher Self to radiate from my eyes and spirit to flow from this chosen vehicle.

I choose to move to a new level and to a new state of consciousness. The past has been a preparation, and a valuable one, but however appealing and however seemingly attractive, if I am to grow, then I have to move on. This may be painful in places, but it is a test of how serious I am and a demonstration of my level of commitment. This is a breaking of old patterns, a letting go, even of people and places, and a goodbye to old systems of support. This is about reality.

It’s a tough call and I have to ask myself if I am truly ready.

I am called to open myself to the Fires of Sulis and abandon myself to Cerridwen’s cauldron. A sacrifice of control.

As I prepare for Samhain, so I continue to walk the labyrinth of initiation, ever closer to the womb of the Dark Mother, shedding all that stands in my way, until I too am in the cauldron, dead, transformed and reborn, not on a superficial level, but truly reborn, with a new name and new vision, ready for the next phase of my journey.

Flying Beds

I have a feeling that this is going to turn into something of a self reflective ramble so it will therefore be rather disjointed. This will not surprise regular readers of this blog, but to any newbies out there, my apologies!

In a recent conversation with my sister, she reminded me how, as children, we would play what we would call ‘Flying Beds.’ This was simply a childhood fantasy, where we would imagine that our beds had secret powers and would, at our command, take us anywhere at all, by taking to the air. We would soar, far away, in our imaginations, to places and people that we would create, painting on the canvass of young minds, uninhibited and unrestricted. As I have reflected upon this I have come to appreciate the longing for freedom that I have always sensed, deep with me. This is a desire to be free from the limitations and restrictions of the physical body and a deep conviction that there is more to life than that which presents as physical matter. I’ve never been fooled into believing that all I see is all that exists.

What I have come to see, in recent months, is that this longing I felt then was the voice of my Spirit – what Dion Fortune calls the ‘immortal spirit of man’ - that part of me that is of the One Divine Life and which seeks to make that divine and eternal connection. The immortality goes two ways. This is the God/dess within me, if you like, that part of me which makes me divine and which seeks communion, meaningful relationship, with the One Divine Life. This is a hunger that has always been there, it’s something that I’ve always known, and these whispers from Spirit, to my spirit, although expressed through various traditions along my somewhat complicated spiritual journey, have always been there, even at the times in my life when my communication receptors were rather ineffective or seemingly non-operational altogether! The One Divine Life has never let me go, even when I could be seen running at full speed in the opposite direction! And trust me, that has happened!

I don’t consider myself to be particularly psychic. I don’t see the aura’s of people as they’re walking towards me in the High Street, and I hardly ever seem to remember my dreams. I rarely see visions (although I have a few times) but I do find that I have a highly tuned intuitive nature and this has often shown itself when I’ve been reading tarot for people. Somehow, I just seem to know. I’ve been working with people, using the tarot, and somehow Source has spoken directly into their lives through me, often with dramatic results. This has often worked at its most powerful when I have allowed the cards to speak directly to me, not always following the established interpretation of the card as detailed in the accompanying book. This is a gift I’ve not used for some time, and is something that I would like to see develop. However, I use the tarot a few times each week for my own personal use and I’ve always found this to be really effective and meaningful. So the tarot, for me as well as for others, has been one vehicle where I have been able to fly from the restriction and limitation of this mind and body into a different place, with positive results.

“Confusion is the beginning of wisdom” says Dr Taverner to Rhodes in the Dion Fortune book ‘The Secrets of Dr Taverner’ and I’ve been feeling that way myself in the past few days. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a negative thing, I’m not throwing my arms in the air in some kind of doubting fashion, but I do have a feeling of ‘the more I read the less I seem to know’! Does that make any sense? I think this is because I have moved from the starter to the main course! I so relate to this Fortune quote because to me it speaks of being open, honest, and transparent. No one will ever grow on their path if they assume a kind of ‘know it all’ pretence and, sadly, I have spent too much time with people of this ilk during my spiritual journey. I am in a place now where I dare to ask the questions and whilst I know I have a firm foundation, this is not where I want to remain. I’ve not come this far simply to tread water. No, I want to build upon this foundation and establish something wonderful and lasting. So I am in a place of mild confusion at the moment. I feel like a chap who has just purchased a flat pack kitchen and can’t quite work out how to bring it all together. I have all the parts I need, I have the tools in the house, somewhere, if I can get my hands on them, but I’ve not yet quite connected the tools to the appliance! I remember feeling this way when I started a new school. Everything around me looked somewhat familiar, the routines were similar, but I was also painfully aware that I was the ‘new boy’ and I simply had to get on with it. That’s how it feels right now in the sense that I know I have some serious learning to do.

I think this is because I am seeking a way of bringing magic into my pagan practice in a real and meaningful way. I have been working with my gods, working with their energy, and therefore using magic in the sense of it being a gift from my gods and flowing from their energy and vitality. For me magic has to form part of my devotional practice. The object of my magic is to bring my manhood into my Godhood, to become more like the person I was created to be, before name and form, by allowing my Higher Self to manifest within me so that it is my Higher Self who looks through my eyes. I don’t see my magic as a way of obtaining ‘things’ necessarily, but I do see it as a way of transforming myself.

“Magic is more than waving a wand” says Dr Taverner, and this is obviously not news to me. I’m done with the fluff, done with the bubble gum, candy floss ‘buy a spell off the shelf’ mentality. I’m moving on to deeper and more profound things and in many ways it scares me! I’m far more aware of what I don’t know than what I do, I also know that I am a bear of very little brain! Part of me longs for a teacher, but at the same time I am aware of how I have learned so much over the years directly from Source. And this is objective of my quest, to get ever closer to Source. I don’t want fame or riches; I simply want to know, even as I am fully known.

Six Random Things About Me

I’ve been tagged by the lovely Mary, of Tea, Sympathy and Perfume blog, to write six random things about myself. So, in a little departure from my usual blog topic, here I am honouring the tag request! I think this is a great thing, as it provides you with something of the person, the human being, behind all the ramblings posts I make.

Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.

2. Post the rules on your blog.

3. Write six random things about yourself. (See below)

4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them. (See further below...)

5. Let each person know they've been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.

6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.


Six Random Things About Me:

1. I adore cats! Cats are so intelligent, sensual, loyal and loving. People often refer to cats as being aloof, I’ve never known this to be the case in my experience. I lost my Lilac Point Siamese called Dusty two years ago this December and I miss her, dreadfully, to this very day. Here she is on my lap:


2. I’m vegetarian. I know some pagans get upset about this, but I just find it impossible to eat other sentient beings. The way we intensively farm animals, the inhumane way we house and keep animals and live animal exports are other reasons for my vegetarianism. I don’t preach about it, I don’t criticise others for eating meat, just don’t expect me to do so!
3. I only see in one eye! I had a detached retina in 1986, and almost lost the sight in both eyes. I’ve had lots of ocular operations and the sight in my right eye is okay, but not brilliant!
4. I’m 6’4.5” tall!
5. I’m gay – but I think you know that! I’ve always known that I was gay, it really does feel like something I’ve known forever. It’s as much part of who I am as the colour of my eyes – it’s an intrinsic part of me and I am proud to be an openly gay man. I assert my right to be who and what I am! As a young boy it terrified me, I just couldn’t see how my life was going to pan out. As it is, I have been in a relationship with a man I love for the past 20 years, and that’s something else I am very proud of.
6. I’ve just made a Facebook page! Why, I’ve no idea, it just seemed like a fun thing to do at the time. If you have a Facebook account, please add me as a friend! I only have 6 at the moment and it feels very lonely!

Normal, serious posting will resume tomorrow!

And now for 6 friends blogs I really love and read every day:

The Green Witch – I love the TGW as she is always open and honest and shares from her heart. A real spiritual journey has it’s times in the valleys as well as on the mountain tops and I admire the Greenwitch for her honesty.

The Voice of Seshat. Seshat has taught me so much through her prolific writing.

House of Inanna – Brian shares a range of topics that never fail to interest me. I like the way he writes and I am often challenged by his thoughts.

Angels In The Whirlwind – A new blog to me, but I am intrigued by Boleskine’s magickal journey. As I move into a more magickal experience, albeit on a path different to his, I find his experiences fascinating and inspiring.

Starweavers Corner – because I have learned so much on this blog, Starweaver never fails to get me thinking.

This Guys Journey – a new blog to me and I just love the way that Bret writes, it’s so honest and refreshing. I think he has a real talent.

So a mixture of blogs, do please visit them and all the blogs on my blogroll. They’re there because I love them all!

Married To Amazement

By way of 'surfing' some blogs recently I came across this beautiful poem. It touched me incredibly deeply and I am posting it here for your own meditation. However, please visit the blog Conversing With Paradise where it was originally posted and let Jeff (as well as I) know how much you enjoyed it!

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse
to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measles-pox;

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it is over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

Mary Oliver

Posting this may appear to be something of a cop out, but this could not be further from the truth. There is something so very powerful in the poem, the whole feeling of embracing life and running with it. For us, as Magickal Beings, we would want to take this further, to be sure, but as a springboard for journeying and meditation, I think this is wonderful.

I hope you like it too!

Western Esoteric Tradition

My spiritual development of recent weeks has led me back to the Western Esoteric Tradition, and I find this keeps happening. It’s interesting, because although I feel led here, in a very strong way, I still struggle with certain aspects of it, such as the heavy Christian leaning. I think that this may perhaps have more to do with my lack of understanding at this present time, as opposed to anything about the Western Esoteric Tradition itself. Having a fundamental Christian background, it’s almost guaranteed that I would struggle when I see biblical quotes popping up in the books I’ve been reading by Dion Fortune and W.E. Butler recently.

However, all that to one side for the moment, I have to say that when I am reading the books that talk of the Western Esoteric Tradition, the quickening I feel in my spirit is incredible. I feel it rising up in my solar plexus and at times it is all I can do to contain it. It’s more than a feeling of excitement, although I definitely feel excited, it’s more like a spiral of energy pulsating from within me, working its way outward. It’s a tangible feeling and one that seems to not only come from within me, but also surrounds me. That sounds so fluffy it’s almost laughable, but I can’t deny the reality of the sensation. It’s like something of a homecoming and I have a genuine sense that at last I have found a tradition that I can finally hang all the things that make sense to me upon. This is not to say that I understand it all, necessarily, I am acutely aware that the vast majority of all this is very new to me indeed, but at the same time, the little that I have read and meditated upon is starting to make sense to me. There is a real and genuine resonance and it’s something that isn’t leaving me, it’s not a passing thing, there is something real here and it’s very clear to me that my future explorations, however tentative they may be, need to be in this direction.

I’ve gone mad today and purchased a number of books by Dion Fortune. It’s no accident that I have just joined a reading group who are exploring the works of this amazing woman and I am so excited to be part of this group. I have such a sense that we are on the periphery of such a time of discovery and I know that things are going to open up for me from here-on-in. It’s like the months leading up to today have been a time of preparation, a real tilling of the soil. What it leads to, obviously, is yet more preparation for the next stage! I am not claiming any kind of revelation as such, just a real and powerful sense of ‘this is it!’ this is where I need to be for the next part of my present incarnation. My intellectual and spiritual teaching will come via the books of Dion Fortune through the reading group and will inform my spiritual practice in the months ahead. I also see the New Moon Ceremonies that I run as a place where some group ritual work will begin to implement the things that I learn. It’s all coming together in a very real and exciting way, but I am also terrified!

Is ‘terrified’ the right word? Probably not, that’s probably too strong a word. I think I mean apprehensive, and I mean this because I know that I am about to venture into a new phase of my journey. I have a real sense of stepping out of the old and into the new, and I will use Samhain to ritualise this. I don’t fully know or understand where I am going, I never seem to know that, but I do have such a sense of this being the right step for me. I feel that I am about to launch into a new seat of learning and I am being led by Spirit. I also know that this is going to lead to a real time of personal challenge as I lay down aspects of personality that need to come under the subjection of Higher Self. This won’t be easy, but I know it needs to happen.

My Higher Self is starting to expand within me. It’s like I’ve created just enough room, brought down just enough pillars, cleared enough personal debris, for my Higher Self, that immortal spirit of man, to begin to radiate within me. I’m not being egotistical here, I’m claiming nothing huge, I am more than aware that I am still, very much, fallible man, but I am aware of things shifting and moving and changing. I am changing. I actually don’t feel the same. I’m stronger, I’m clearer, I’m more in tune with myself and with Source and I have a sense of destiny about me. It all sounds very grand, but it’s true, and if all this sounds like a load of tosh to you, to me it sounds and feels very real indeed.

The Death card that has been following me around over recent months is also coming back to my mind and focus. I think there is an ending here, but one that is signalling a new beginning. Dion calls very clearly for sacrifice, leading to death and new birth. She talks about sacrificing our preoccupation with our human senses, and through this to allow the Higher Self to manifest. “An appreciable clearance has to be made” she says, and I can attest to this. I also don’t think I’m anywhere near that ‘appreciable clearance’ as yet! I think all I’ve managed to do is just about clear out a very dusty corner, but it’s enough for my Higher Self to just about begin to radiate. I feel it, and I feel and sense it in my own meditations and ritual activity to know that things are genuinely shifting for me. It’s also starting to be reflected back from those I work with in ritual, and for that I am terrible excited.

When I was interviewed on the radio recently the interviewer said “your job and your spiritual path seem to be at odds with each other.” This threw me, momentarily, because it’s also something that has been on my mind a great deal. Managing people, services, budgets and the future, especially for the Local Authority, isn’t easy and there are times when I feel a genuine inner conflict and that’s not comfortable for me. I want to move away from this falsification of self. What I want and what I am seeking now is a way of bringing into my daily life, in a greater way, a more transparent way, a way that causes people to encounter Source when they encounter me. It’s a goal, a long term goal at that, but I once read about someone who aimed at nothing, and guess what? They hit it! I’d rather aim at something lofty and at least get half way there!

Initiation

. . . the work of a magician is to know and master his or her own self. The magicians task is to concentrate and manipulate the diverse forces in his or her own nature until those forces interact, disintegrate, and change to emerge reassembled and reborn. What occurs is not only a mystical experience or immediate perception of the presence of an almighty and supreme power, it is a complex rebuilding of the machinery of experience and perception itself.

I came upon this quote today which seems to encapsulate much of where I have been led in recent weeks and months. Whilst I cannot and do not consider myself to be a magician (yet!), the goal of this quote resonates deeply with me.

When I am called to 'know thyself' this really isn't a surface, self indulgent thing. It is about knowing myself in my physical body, knowing the reactions and interactions (as well as the intra-actions) of my body and senses, but it's also about something much deeper than that. It's also about knowing that I am not my body, but rather I am that which uses this body. The Spirit within me is that of the Universal Spirit - Source, that which is part of everything, in everything and is everything. This is the foundation upon which everything has been built and upon which I must also build. It's a concept which blows my mind, and in truth I don't think I've fully got my head around it as yet! However, it is something to which I am constantly being drawn, so without doubt I am being called to know and understand the profundity of this message.

The 'disintegration' part of the above quote is also interesting. This is another concept to which my mind is continually drawn. This is a process that I feel I shy away from in many ways, although I've been through it on some levels in the past. This is about another form of changing my perception - as the quote itself concludes. It's the way I see myself, my body, and consequently my ego, or talking self. It is about bringing the pillars of self down, of making that room, that space, that capacity within me that will allow the Inner Light of my Higher Self to manifest and shine from within me. I think it is a process as much as an event, but there is a personal call for me to work at a higher level on this very issue.

This leads to my rebirth, and at this time of Samhain death and rebirth are very much in the forefront of my mind. This is the rebirth of the Initiate. There is something here about really embracing Cerridwen's cauldon, of seeing myself in there, in the mix, so to speak, and being transformed as a result. Not just on a mundane day by day level, but on a true initiatory level. A letting go of the pampering and clinging to self, and an embracing of the true reality of me and what it means to be a Child of the Goddess - an Initiate.

The more I meditate upon initiation the more I see that it is not a one off event, but rather it is something like a spiral, and I spiral in and I spiral out, on this continuous cycle of initiation.

What I am after, what I am seeking is reality. I am not interested in delusion of self. I am setting my intention very clearly as this year closes and that is to open myself to Deity in a new and more profound way and to truly embrace my path and my calling. I don't fully know where this will take me and maybe I don't even fully appreciate the depth or gravity of what I am saying here, but this is the desire of my heart; to truly move into a new area of experience and depth. I seek to dance with my Gods in a close and profound way and for this to reflect itself through my own personal transformation and for this to be evident to others.

Avebury

I had a really lovely day out on Friday. My special friend Jacquie and I, went to Avebury in Wiltshire, UK. We wanted to revisit the Avebury Henge, Silbury Hill and also the West Kennet Long Barrow.

There will be 3 videos in this post, so I hope you're able to view them as they will convey more than I am able to write. I would love to know how you experienced them and the energy they contain.

Avebury Henge is an incredible place. Not as visually striking as Stonehenge, perhaps, but what is remarkable, to me at least, is the different energy. Stonehenge has a very masculine energy, whereas Avebury has a very feminine energy. This struck me particularly as we entered the middle field. I had a great sense of 'birthing' energy here.

I've made a couple of videos for you, but they're not brilliant! They were simply taken with my camera, but hopefully they capture something of the spirit of place for you. Here's Avebury Henge:



From Avebury Henge we moved on to Silbury Hill. This is a most remarkable place. It is the largest man made mound in all Europe, yet no one really knows why it was made. As far as anyone can tell, it has no hidden treasures, artifacts, or any hidden religious significance, yet the energy from Silbury is almost overwhelming. I had a great sense of emotion - a real, deep tapping into my emotions. Joy, real joy was present and strangely both Jacquie and I burst into song - silly song - simultaneously. The energy from Silbury is peaceful, loving, in a way, there's nothing vengeful or aggressive here at all, as far as I can tell. People came from all over to contribute to the building of this mound, so it clearly had great significance to them. To connect with these people was special. I hope this video shares something of Silbury with you.



From Silbury we walked to West Kennet Long Barrow. To get there we passed by two very special trees, the second of which was covered in ribbons, prayer ribbons, left by many pilgrims.

West Kennet Long Barrow is one of the many prehistoric monuments that are part of the Avebury complex of Neolithic sites. It is one of the most impressive and well-preserved burial chambers in Britain, as well as being one of the most visited.

It was really odd, as there were a family of wasps in the entrance, making getting in there very difficult - almost as if they were guarding the place! Also, a couple had visited just before us and as well as lighting some lovely tea lights, had burned a lot - and I mean a lot - of incense, you can see the clouds of it billowing out from the entrance to the chamber!

The energy here is quite incredible. To connect with these people, my ancestors in many ways, is remarkable. Again, here it feels peaceful, nothing to be avenged, as far as I can tell, and it feels very much about respect and honour. This is a brief video, but again, I hope it captures something of the moment for you.



A lovely, special day, with a very good friend, and some lovely moments spent connecting with people, spirits and places that are, like me, part of The All.

The Road to Samhain

Today I took myself out on a walking meditation. I have a few days leave from work, and I’ve been determined to put them to good use. No prizes for guessing where I went – yes, as I thought, you’ve guessed it - Glastonbury Tor and Chalice Well! I just love these places and I have such a genuine connection with them. I am so aware of how blessed I am to have such amazing places close by, but then I guess we all have our ‘special places’ and our connections to sacred sites. I also know that our mere presence, as a Magickal Being, makes any place sacred, as we connect to the Spirits of Place and work with them. And, over the years, such as with Glastonbury Tor and Chalice Well, these places become imbued with this energy. The words we speak, from the intentions that we make, have the power to create, or destroy, build up, or break down.

I also intend to visit Stanton Drew and Avebury during the oncoming days.

I have been aware of Samhain calling in recent days. Energy is shifting, and this has been reflected in a number of blogs that I regularly visit. As energy shifts, so my inner work shifts, and I have become increasingly aware that Samhain is just around the corner. Samhain is one of my most favourite festivals. The energy and power of this season drives right into the very core of me and both thrills and terrifies me, simultaneously. I think it needs to do both, and as such I never become complacent but rather see this time of death and rebirth as hugely significant as I step into a new spiritual and magickal year. It also makes this time real, and not superficial, on any level. It can be an incredibly painful time, as one lets go things that no longer serve, and then one reaches out to embrace the new. It’s not just about an acknowledgement of the season, but a real, genuine, and total connection with the season of death, and then rebirth. This is the time of transformation and transformation is central to my path. As I get closer to Source, the One Divine Life, how can I not be transformed?

As I reached the top of Glastonbury Tor, I was calling to Gwyn Ap Nudd, who I relate to as the king of the Underworld. He is the God of death and rebirth, as the Underworld is where souls are prepared for their rebirth. I was seeking guidance on that which I need to release, in preparation for my Samhain ritual. Words and images were flooding my mind and soon one word stood out about all others: Restriction.

I sat, leaning against the tower, in the wonderful warmth of full sun, seeking more insight into this word, and soon it became clear. So much of my work has been that of letting go of old patterns, both of behaviour and thinking, and moving into a new place. I am amazed at how far I have travelled, yet I still restrict myself, and this was key – the message for me was to let go of the limitations I place upon myself. It’s time to see how I limit me, mainly in my thinking, but also in my interactions with others.

Together with this were the limitations I place upon my progression upon my own path. Sometimes these limitations are borne of fear that stems from my Christian upbringing. It’s over 20 years since I broke free from the yoke of Christianity, yet still the echoes remain, quieter, much fainter than before, but at times they are still there. They are but whispers, just whispers, but whispers that at times hold me in check, stop me moving forward, because I doubt and fear and I feel that this doubt and fear often has its origin in a belief that I am not worthy. These things need to go as I want to move forward and I need to release the lies of the past as I move into the truth of Now.

There is no glass ceiling, nothing has been imposed, any restriction is there because I alone place it there. As my trust and belief in myself increases, so I need to step into my own personal responsibility and integrity. I am in charge of me. My words both create and destroy. As I embrace my own True Will I am my own light and I am my own master and therefore the bars of this self imposed prison can be torn apart – and this is my intention for this Samhain.

As I walked to Chalice Well I sat at the Wellhead and spoke with Sulis, my patron Goddess. She is the Goddess of the hot, healing springs of Bath, Goddess of blessing and of curse, Goddess of fire and water. As I listened to Her promptings I was increasingly aware that I have embraced her Water aspect – my intuition is well developed, I am aware of my own emotions, I own them, and disown those that are not of me, and my inner relationship is finely tuned. These things can always develop further, however I need to embrace her Fire and bring this further into the centre of my being. I need to allow her Fire to rise within me, that fire of passion, of alchemy, of transformation, of purification. This is the Fire that burns the dross and leaves the gem – the Fire of Inner Light. This is a clear call and a clear challenge.

Linked with this is the ability to receive. When I doubt my worth it is difficult to receive anything. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no wilting wallflower, but there are times when it’s difficult to receive because I don’t feel good enough, and I know where this has its root – firmly seated in the past indoctrination of Christian teaching.

So my Samhain ritual begins to take form. A relinquishing of the limitations and restrictions I place upon myself, a letting go of self doubt and limiting self belief, walking away from old concepts of me. And then a stepping into the truth of who I am – a Magickal Being, and a genuine stepping into the element of Fire, embracing the Fires of Sulis and seeing them rise and take hold within me. This will be a ritual that is designed to cement a process that is already at work within me and that will result in a deepening of this work through the art of causing changes in consciousness at will.

So mote it be!

What Is My Path?

It’s been a few days since I’ve posted, but this hasn’t been because I’ve fallen into inactivity or procrastination! Mind you, both things have been enemies of mine in the past, and I am mindful of the different guises they assume with which to lure me!

I have a feeling this is going to turn into one of my rambling posts! Apologies! I just feel a need to summarise my journey to date, as I have a need to declare where I am here and now. Obviously, I’m leaving loads of detail out, just for the sake of space and to save you, dear reader, from pure and guaranteed boredom! I just have a need to make this post another significant marker, which for me, at the moment, is the main purpose of this journal. I hope that in some small way this post will also provide an essence of who I am and what I’m about. I feel it’s timely.

This was confirmed when I read one of Seshat’s recent posts. She writes in a way that often touches my spirit and soul, and this confirmed to me that I needed to make this entry.

As I have said in recent entries, things have been happening for me of late that have moved me on, spiritually, and there are doors opening for me, and I’m both excited and nervous about these things. I have a real sense of anticipation and expectation. There are many things changing around me, professionally, personally and spiritually, and some of these changes will be a constant, I just need to go with them for the time being, whilst other changes I need to take control of, magickally speaking.

I have been walking a pagan path for some years, but I think it’s true to say that probably half of that time I was walking a somewhat ‘fluffy’ path. I don’t say that disrespectfully, I think perhaps many of us come to our paths this way, it’s only with reflection that I see my time then was one of walking into awareness, step by step. This is why I don’t criticise those who seem ‘fluffy’ to me, although at times I may feel irked by them, especially when I feel their fluffiness is being inflicted upon me! I don’t criticise, because it’s not for me to judge where they happen to be on their path. That’s for them to work out. Only they and their Gods know where they are at this point upon their journey. It’s none of my business.

Recently I’ve felt a need to define my path anew. Not that it’s changed, as such, rather there has been something of an evolution, the result of my own spiritual development over time. I’ve felt the need for this redefinition only because I have felt a need to declare my Own True Will – the purpose I was placed here, in this incarnation, at this moment in time. My recent growth has been a result of study together with application and a heart that truly seeks to connect with the One Divine Life and to bring this connection to others, in whatever form they are ready to experience it at the point of development they themselves are at. I feel that is my True Will.

My background is one of fundamental Christianity. I mean the real Charismatic, speaking in tongues, healing the sick and raising the dead type. I even attended an evangelical/charismatic bible college in a bid to ‘get closer to God’ but none of this met that genuine sense of longing and healing I was experiencing within. Indeed, attending the bible college almost destroyed me, because all it showed me was that God found me, as a gay man, and someone who found this patriarchal presentation of religion difficult and uncomfortable, detestable. I was also seeking healing for my visual impairment. I was rejected by the Divine – or so it felt to me at the time, as none of this came to pass. I left the college empty, more empty than I had arrived.

In time I was thrown out of the Christian Church, because of my sexuality, and thrown out of the town, because my parents, pillars of the local charismatic church, felt me to be possessed of the devil. This, as you can imagine, sent my life into turmoil.

After a process of many life events, I moved into a kind of spiritual no-man’s-land, a kind of agnosticism that was pure self indulgence and which resulted in spiritual death – and potentially physical death, such was my carefree abandon. I just lived for myself. At the end of this period I was left with a real gaping whole within that was longing for spiritual fulfilment.

However, the One Divine Life had not let go of me, or my calling. And I do feel that I have a calling, dramatic and over the top as that may sound. I’ve wandered down too many blind alleys to count, but the fact is, the hand of the Divine always brings me back, and in these past few years I’ve found myself in a place I’ve never felt possible. This all began with my eyes being opened to the wonder of nature – or more correctly, Nature. I began to see that my years of searching, this desperate need to feel a sense of ‘belonging’ was futile, because I was seeking that which already existed – I WAS CONNECTED! That connection already existed, it was there, unbroken and vital, and this was such a sense of revelation and joy as I moved into the truth and the reality of this connection.

In time this led me to people who were practising a form of Goddess spirituality locally. I thought that I had found my spiritual home, but in time this proved not to be the case. I think some people there found a gay man – a man who loved and had sex with men – in the middle of a Goddess movement, difficult to handle. I don’t think they knew what to do with me or what to make of me! I don’t say this with any criticism towards any of the sincere and lovely people there at all. I loved many of them, but I think I was ahead of their time in some ways in that my mere presence perhaps challenged them in too many ways. That sounds arrogant and I don’t mean it that way, I just mean that as many of them were working out their own relationships with men, a man who openly professed to being gay forced them into a place that perhaps they were not ready for at that point in their own journey. I felt it right to withdraw from that particular expression of that movement and chose not to dedicate at the end of my first years training. It was the right decision; time has shown that to be the case.

This led me to concentrating and practicing my own solitary practice and it is here that the fireworks really started! As I began, somewhat blindly and with huge ignorance in many ways, to practice my own solitary pagan practice, embracing both the Divine Feminine and Masculine, it was like Source spoke directly into my life – honestly, it felt that powerful. Within my own practice my connection with the One Divine Life was realised and I dedicated myself to Sulis, Goddess of the hot healing springs of Bath (a local city) and to the Lord of the Wildwood. Opening myself to them began a process whereby their qualities began to manifest within me and I was enthralled within my pagan spiritual practice. I love my patron Goddess, and Her connection and energy in my life is a real and constant Truth, The Lord of the Wildwood has shown me what it is to be truly divinely masculine, and to Him I am both thankful and grateful. I have also made connection with a number of Guides and I have worked closely with my ancestors. All of this has led, as you can imagine, to real personal spiritual development.

However, of late, things have moved on, to an extent that at times provides great clarity, but at others throws me into confusion, and it is because of this that I feel a need to define my path. Not to put me into some kind of spiritual package or false bondage and restriction, but in a bid to express where it is I am coming from of late.

Flowing from recent happenings within my own spiritual practice I have found myself drawn to a more magickal expression of my spirituality. This has led some to describe me as a Magician, but this is a title I do not feel worthy to accept and neither do I feel it appropriate. I say this for a number of reasons. One, I know very little of Magick, although I am reading and studying for all I am worth. Also, I have a very real sense of my devotion to my Gods, and this relationship is powerful and real to me. As Seshat says in her post, Magick to me is a genuine gift from my Gods – an outworking of that dynamic relationship.

Boy, I am rambling today, I am sorry! I just need to get this down!

So this combination of a real and genuine pagan practice, that has been so personally powerful for me, and a progressing magickal element to this practice, has been confusing me. How do I combine the two? What does this make me? Am I turning into a ‘pick and mix’ pagan – something that I have never, ever, wanted to be? Have I finally lost the plot somewhere?!? Have I finally lost my very last marble?!?

All I can say is that my connection with the term ‘Hedge Witch’ has never felt more real and genuine. Yes, I am experimenting with Magick. Yes, some of Crowley’s writings have inspired me in ways that the written word has never done before. But, so have the writings of Dion Fortune. Another conundrum!

My path is one of combining the spiritual celebration of my connection with my Gods, with the magickal outworking of that relationship. In truth, right now, I’ve no idea how the fruits of this relationship will express themselves, all I know is, this is the path I am walking today. I am in the ever constant state of Becoming. This is my present home!

As for doors opening, I was walking down Glastonbury High Street the other day, and in a shop window was a very inconspicuous note asking for people to join a reading group exploring the works of Dion Fortune. My heart was in my mouth, and I signed up! I go to the first meeting this week, and this is what I mean about new doors opening, I don’t know where this is going to take me ... but I’m walking through the door!

I am Becoming!

Watch This Space!

So much has been happening for me spiritually in recent weeks that I hardly know where to begin. However, I feel a need to try and summarise in order to place a marker here at the end of the month, and also as now I enter the phase of the waxing moon, and the things that I record here I want to see grow and develop over the weeks ahead.

I have discovered a real power and strength in embracing my Own True Will, that is, being who I truly am and embracing my own course. I have a real sense of taking up my place on the Web Of Life, and I know the vibration that I send out on this Web. My actions, and indeed inaction, affect others on the Web, just as theirs affect me. We are interconnected and interdependent. Together, the notes of our collective vibrations are the orchestra of life.

All this leads to me having a new and sustained belief in myself, a confidence and strength. This comes not from some kind of puffed up, egotistical, conceited pride, or, equally as disastrous, from some kind of false or introverted humility, but rather from a real sense of who and what I am. Believing in myself, truly moving into that place of spiritual confidence, has been a theme of this New Moon - believing in my own inner relationship. And this confidence, this embracing of my own True Will, leads me away from the supplicating "if it be thy will" of my archaic Christian past, into a new place of where I can make it happen and affect positive change.

I will be buffeted and blown about at times, my vehicle is but human flesh, but the tides that are beneath the surface are stronger than any winds that may blow above, and therefore I will stay true to my course, even if it appears that I'm travelling in the opposite direction to everyone else!

I am a Magickal Being, I am Divine, because I am of the One Divine Life, just as the One Divine Life if of me. My goal, my aim, my desire, is to truly experience and reflect that most awesome and powerful of connections. To know, even as I am fully known. I seek the true, real and powerful initiation of the manifestation of the Higher Self within me, and I know that this brings a real, deep, intimate and personal challenge.

My tarot meditations of the past two weeks have made this challenge abundantly clear. Now is the time were I have to be serious about bringing down those pillars, those constructs, those beliefs and patterns that have reinforced the illusion of self. I have bought into my own personal hype too often! I can't avoid this - I have to truly experience the path of the 'little deaths' if I am to truly experience the manifestation of Higher Self. There are no shortcuts, and I've known this forever, yet still I shy away. This can happen no more. I have to let go of those things that are contrary to my own course, those things that will only bring inner conflict, those things that are at odds to my genuine calling and my true purpose in being here. To continue with them is to only continue this sense of separation from my True Self, and my True Self is Divine.

My desire now is to bring my manhood up into my Godhood. 'I live here on earth but my race is from the starry heavens' and I want this to shift from knowledge to experience. The mighty experience of last nights New Moon ritual has underlined and emphasised this truth.

It's been an incredible couple of weeks. A couple of weeks that throws so many things up in the air, yet at the same time makes so many things so perfectly clear. I don't see an easy road ahead, but I see a road that I want to walk, a path that I do not want to avoid or sidestep, yes, it will bring growing pains, but the alternative is not worthy of my consideration.

Things are changing on a personal, professional, spiritual and magickal plane for me. All is shifting and moving, all is fluid. At the centre of this is a movement in my spiritual experience, an embracing of a more magickal aspect to my spiritual practice. I don't fully know or understand how this is going to pan out, I don't fully understand the steps I have been taking of late, but this I know: they are the right steps, they are steps of Divine initiation and they are the steps in which I wish to walk.

As ever, it's a case of watch this space!

New Moon

What an amazing New Moon ceremony this evening! Four of us met in my Temple Room, and we worked elementally with New Moon energy, focusing on our relationship with Source, the All, and making room for our Higher Self to radiate within and from us. It was just such a special time, probably one of the most powerful times I've had in ritual.

Although we shared experiences at the end of the ceremony, I obviously can't share the experiences of others here, but I want to share a few of my own experiences.

I wrote the ritual based on my spiritual development of the past few weeks. The emphasis was very much upon deepening ones relationship and connection with Deity, with ones True Self and beginning to release the Inner Light of ones Higher Self. Obviously I needed to tread very carefully with this, so the emphasis was upon people working and holding the energy personally, moving at an individual pace that they felt was right for them, but then also blessing and giving to each other. It was a joy to see how well this worked.

As I was calling in the elements, the Lord and Lady, my Guides and Ancestors, I saw the room filled! It was strange because almost as soon as I noticed them, I couldn't see them, but I could sense and feel them. Truly, and honestly, the room was filled with Beings who were celebrating with us and blessing us as we gathered there. It was an incredible moment.

The sense of being filled, powerfully filled with energy at this moment for me was terrific and I don't think I've ever experienced anything quite like it before. As I sat down I was physically shaking.

We then moved to working with the elements. This was such an important ritual for me because it was about celebrating, experiencing and sharing our relationship and connection with The All.

With Earth, individually we held a conker, the conker acting as a simple symbol and representation of Earth, but also something that carries the energy and vitality of Earth. Individually we experienced our connection to Earth, knowing that we live here on Earth, but our race is from the Starry Heavens. For me my connection with the Underworld was strong once again, but also the fact that I am connected to the highest star. I saw myself taking this journey which was down a very long, straight road, I was travelling at pace, and the colours all around me were blurred somewhat. It was something like a parade and it felt like I was being welcomed into a new place.

Holding this energy we moved to Air, each of us smudging the other with white sage. This felt so cleansing and renewing, a real blowing away of the chaff and a sense of stepping into the new.

With fire we held tea lights, allowing us to visualise our Inner Light filling us from our Higher Selves.

With water we anointed each other, and for me this was about trusting and believing in my own intuition and starting to move in this trust. Believing in myself - a key lesson of recent months.

The energy was so high at this point I thought that I was going to combust! I had been holding the energy from each element and was conscious of this building within me, and as I glanced around the room I could see that each of us were holding it and moving with it. We really were working magically, it was wonderful.

Then we stood together, raising the energy that had built through the ritual and sending it to people and places where it was needed.

This sounds so simple as I write it, but the energy we had between us was more than tangible, it was incredibly powerful. I looked at everyone at the end and said "special, magickal people!" because to me it was an honour and a privilege to have worked a simple ritual with these people.

We are just an ordinary, small group of people, but tonight we connected and bonded in a very real and special way.

I think each of us have stepped into a new place with our Gods this evening and as the moon waxes so we will build upon and develop that relationship, each of us moving onward in the process of Becoming.

Foggy Day

Regular readers of this blog will know that Glastonbury Tor is a very special place for me. It's somewhere I visit regularly, both on my own and with a special friend called Jacquie. Why is it special? Probably because it's a 'high place,' somewhere where I find it so easy to commune with Deity. The spiritual heritage of the Tor is open to question and debate, but what is true is the fact that spiritual pilgrims have visited the place and invested their own energy here in recent times and as such the Tor radiates with a positive, healing, vibrant energy. I just love it there, it's a real spiritual home for me.

So it was that my friend Jacquie and I made a visit to the Tor this morning. We started our ascent at around 08.30, at a time when the entire area was covered in a huge thick blanket of fog. The air was damp and thick with fog and it's fair to say that as we were climbing our thoughts were pretty much "what on earth are we doing, we must be crazy!" It seemed that if there had ever been any doubt as to our sanity, climbing the Tor when it was almost impossible to see more than a few metres in front of oneself confirmed those doubts!

But when we got to the top it was like we had entered a new and different world. Truly, it was just incredible. The sun was shining down on the Tor and it was just so - hot! I had been wearing a jumper and jacket, but I threw these off because it was just so lovely and warm, it was truly glorious.



The shining sun caused a reflection of the Tor and tower to be cast upon the fog that incased us. By clicking on these pictures you can enlarge them, but you can clearly make out the Tor in reflection. I've never seen anything quite like this before, isn't it amazing?




When the fog was thick it was so easy to see how the Tor would have looked when it was an island. The fog looked just like water, it really looked as though you were looking out to sea, and it felt as though one could swim out from the hillside! As the fog began to thin in the heat of the sun, trees began to peep through the fog, giving an incredibly stunning view, just amazing. This picture captures the essence of this quite well. You can also see a House Martin in flight.


We were joined by a herd of cows, complete with Bull! The Bull seemed to want to enjoy the energy of the Tor with us, so visited by way of the Tower itself!


And this is me, testifying to the glorious sunshine on the Tor this morning! As we climbed down, we entered the thick fog once more, and it was back on with jumpers and coats for around an hour and a half before the fog totally cleared.



The analogy here is not lost on me. It's so easy to get lost in the fog when one focuses on the illusion of reality in this world. I often feel as though I don't know where to place my feet, yet as we shift our consciousness, stop relying on the limitations and distortions of our human senses, there is an entirely different experience to be had. We can enter a new and different realm. It may be a hard and difficult journey to get there, we have to bring down so many false towers that we have believed in for some time, some that have propped us up for decades, some that we may have only recently created ourselves, but as we bring them down, we make more room for the light of our Higher Self, our God Self, to radiate and permeate within, and we enter initiation, and the next phase of our journey begins.

Okay, perhaps a trite analogy in many ways, it's somewhat obvious, I guess, but after the developments and happenings for me in recent days, today acted like something of a visual aid, a physical confirmation of what has been happening within.

A blessed New Moon tomorrow, everyone.

There . . . I've Said It!

So much of my spiritual practice has been speaking to me of True Self in recent months, and my reading has also been reaffirming that which I have been learning direct from Spirit. To say this is exciting has to be the understatement of the century, but once again, this week, my reading has affirmed what I have been receiving directly from Source. I never cease to be amazed that in my own spiritual practice I hear the words of the One Divine Life.

I have a feeling that this entry is going to be one of the most important posts I’ve ever made. Blimey, doesn’t that sound dramatic? Trust me, I don’t mean to be a Spiritual Diva! What I’m simply doing is laying this post down as a significant marker in my spiritual and magickal development. Remember, the main aim of this blog is to act as something of a spiritual diary for me. What is wonderful, truly wonderful, is that I can share this journey with you, those who choose, for whatever reason, to read this spiritual journal. I treasure the fact that you do that, and make comments along the way, more than you can possibly imagine. I’m not a teacher, I’m not an expert, I’m not learned, I’m not a scholar, I’m not a spiritual or pagan leader of any kind, I’m simply a Seeker, a man hungry for both spiritual truth and spiritual experience, and this blog aims to simply track my own journey through the rough and the smooth, the valleys and the peaks. So when I say that this is going to be one of the most significant posts I’ve ever made, I say that this is what it will be for me. For some, it may be old hat. I just feel that this week has been something of a breakthrough for me. I feel like a rock climber who has reached a new and hitherto unexplored peak. As I look up, I see many more peaks to ascend, I’m by no means at the top and I am aware, more than aware, that I have a very long way to go, but as I look down, I can see how far I have come, and this is such a source of joy and celebration in my heart tonight.

Why have I said all that? Because I know that this is my path, and therefore what I say here can only be about my own journey. We each walk our own path, and have to walk that path alone. I have said the above because this post can only be about what is real for me, and talk about where I am at this moment in time. That some of you find inspiration from my incoherent ramblings is a joy to me, but I am also very mindful that what I write here cannot be absolute truth, but it is my truth.

Of late I have been confused as to how Source can be both immanent and also transcendent, then I came upon this quote: “. . . having created the Universe with a fragment of Myself, I remain.” It’s taken from the Bhagavad Gita – and as I read these words I experienced what was like an explosion within me, seriously, it was that powerful. This is a concept that I’ve known in my heart to be true, but it’s not something that I’ve seen reflected elsewhere, and suddenly here it was, before me and I wanted to jump up and down and sing! Yes! Source – my Deity, is immanent, but is also transcendent. I’ve known it, known it for ever, but reading those words showed me that I was not alone.

With this I saw that my soul is a replica of the greater universe, as the greater universe is the macrocosm, so my soul is the microcosm, a replica of it. “As above, so below.” I am the little universe within the greater universe – and so are you! Here is Unity, spiritual, powerful Unity. The phrase “we are all one” is not some trite, fluffy comment, but a hugely powerful statement of truth. The awesome reality of this just blows me away. “There is no part of me that is not part of the Gods” and the reality of this is something that I feel I am getting my head, heart and soul around for what feels like the very first time. I understand it and have no concept of it all at the same time!

So I am not separate, not desperately seeking to establish my connection with Deity, with Source, but I am part of this wonderful Unity. I am a Son, a Child, of the Gods. It’s just incredible. As I read this week, ‘. . . I am a Child of the Earth, but my race is from the Starry Heavens.’

My Gods are all aspects of Source, of the Supreme, perfect channels of the Supreme Power, each bringing into my experience aspects of the One Divine Life. The rays of their essential being radiate within and from me.

And although I see much imperfection within myself, I know that the call is to ‘dissolve and reform’. I’ve mentioned this here so many times in recent weeks, but once again the reality of it has hit home this week. This self which I have been fooled into believing is really me over the years, is nothing but illusion. The me that is so easy to cling to, the me that I indulge and pamper is not me at all. This is the me that needs to dissolve, little death by little death, as this is simply a mask to the True Self. This illusion dissolves to allow the manifestation of my True Self, the Inner Light, my Higher Self. This is my True Self.

This unity with my True Self brings me into contact, albeit for a fleeting moment, with the spiritual reality that is truly me - My Higher Self. I am part of the One Divine Life, and the One Divine Life expresses itself, in part, through me, just as through all matter, as all matter is part of the One Divine Life and indeed is the One Divine Life.

My Higher Self is my Inner Ruler who will continue to guide me on my path, a path of bringing my manhood up, up into my Godhood and I say this because I now know that my true aim is to achieve that which has always been true, the ecstatic embrace of the Divine, which works to seal the truth that my inner spirit is Divine, is Deity, living within and part of this body. This Divine Spirit grows and permeates through more of me, as more of the illusion dissolves and dissipates.

Oh man, this is powerful and awesome stuff, so much so it leaves me breathless.

I will mess up, get it wrong, make mistakes, let people down, upset people, go down wrong turns and blind alleys, because I am human flesh, but this I know, the Spirit that resides within me is Divine, and you know what? That makes me Divine too. There’s been talk on a few blogs recently about whether we should embrace just the Goddess, or just the God, or both, but now I see it’s not a case of that. The reality is we are all Gods and Goddesses! We are part of the One Divine Life and as such we are the One Divine Life!

There, I’ve said it!

But I say it with such a degree of humility and wide eyed wonder that my words simply can’t begin to express what I feel within. I could dance all night long; I can’t express how exciting this is!

This makes so much sense, at least, to me. I hope that something here resonates with you.

(Reference ‘Magic’, W.E. Butler, ISBN 1-870450-50-7)

Restriction

I think most of you know that I start each week by turning 3 Tarot cards, and I use these 3 cards as a focus for my meditations for the week. I interpret each card with the other and use them as a kind of spiritual life coaching. It's a way that I am used to opening to Deity and through them I feel Deity speaks right into the heart of me. It's something I've done for some time now, it's even got to the stage where I am wondering whether I should begin to tweak and alter the way I spend time with Them before each day truly begins. It's something I've pondered for some time, but, for the moment at least, this is how I have been working.

This week the cards have been tough, and have challenged me to the core. I know that I've been growing of late, I have a real sense of spiritual development and I am aware of growing stronger, and closer to Source. However, this week there has been a strong word from the Lord and Lady of how I need to move forward if I am to continue this path and grow ever closer to Them.

These words are timely, as they have come with the arrival of Autumn Equinox. A time of growing introspection, a time of taking stock, gathering in, not retreating, but recognising growth and also doing some final husbandry. The cards this week have all been about this.

To be honest, and honesty and transparency is one the aims of my blog, I don't seek to present myself as something I am not, when I looked at them I groaned! I so wanted something lovely and fluffy, but no, not this time! I spoke of Air on my last entry, and Air can cut like a knife, a chilling blast that can separate flesh from the bone, and something of that blast has hit me with the cards this week.

Restriction has come up a lot for me this past year, and this week the cards have spoken of this once again. Restriction, but combined with self limiting, negative thought patterns, so the restriction comes not from external sources, but from within. There is something here around developing a keener, more attuned concentration, and a learning to filter out the negative rubbish that my chattering mind can bombard me with at times, and really see myself as I truly am. I've embraced so much of my True Self in recent months, and this is the truth about me that I need to invest in and feed - if that makes sense. Not in some kind of blind denial, but in a real and genuine intention to allow the light of my Higher Self to pervade all of me.

My trust and confidence in myself as a spiritual and magickal being has really grown in recent months, but the Lord and Lady have caused me to pause this week and check out, once again, just where that confidence is placed - is it in what I see as a growing ability, or is it in my relationship with Them. Relationship is part of the core of my spiritual path, and there has been something of a gentle reminder this week.

But then I turned the Tower, and to be honest, that floored me somewhat, as it's a card that has often spoken to me of destruction of something that I have been building, perhaps due to going off course. It momentarily confused me. As I paused and listened to the voice of the Lord and Lady I began to hear what it was they were saying, especially as I read the cards together, as they should be read. The message here was simple - don't underestimate my own intrinsic power. There was something here of taking up my own personal responsibility, but in way that recognises my own ability to create, and destroy, to build up, or to knock down - and this includes myself. As a spiritual and magickal being I create my own reality, I forge my own way ahead, so I cannot always point the finger when things go wrong, rather I have to examine myself, and see what it was about me, within me or of me that allowed that to happen - how did I leave myself open to that attack? If attack indeed it was. If something is not the way I want it or the way I think it should be, if it's causing an internal conflict or causing me to behave in a way or a manner that is not of my own true self, then something isn't right and I need to make it right, but I make it right not from some kind of brutal force, or effort, but from stepping into my rightful place on the web, and from operating from my true will - stepping into who I am.

So my restriction, my internal conflicts, my mind games, my mental conflicts come from me and my responses. It's a further and deeper call to see Source in and of all things and to respond accordingly, not from this body, this ego, but from my own true self.

This is a real challenge, a tough call, but it's part of the call to the deeper things of spirit.

"Dawn"

My partner and I went to a local antiques fair today, antiques being a real passion of his. I share this passion, but perhaps not to the same extent as he does, or shall I say his level of commitment to them is greater than mine in that he spends time researching and learning about his main areas of interest, whereas I simply enjoy their beauty and marvel at the craftsmanship each piece displays. This is simply because my time has to go towards work, and increasingly more importantly, towards learning and experiencing more about my spiritual path. One simply can’t do everything!


Today at the antique fair my attention was arrested by this picture, and I just had to share it with you, so I took a picture of it! It's not a very good picture - it's really hard to take photos of pictures because of the angle and because of the glass - but I'm sure this will give you a rough of idea of what it looks like.

This is a piece of art by Ivy Ruth Ellis. She was an artist who trained at the Birmingham School of Arts and Crafts and she worked mainly as a print maker using the woodcut, linocut and wood engraving techniques and she exhibited her work from 1920 – 1939.

When I saw this, I just stopped in my tracks! I couldn’t continue past the picture, I just had to stop and admire it. Something about it just drew me in, and I think it’s because as I looked at it I was caught up in the wonder and power of the moment the artist has captured here. The picture is called ‘Dawn’ and to me the figure here is worshipping the return of the new day, with all the wonder, hope, promise and inspiration it brings. Far more than that, here, somehow, is a celebration of connection with the elements of morning, new beginnings, spring – the element of Air, in the East. Air that brings us inspiration, ancient wisdom, creativity, clarity, discernment, the voice of Lord and Lady on the wind and within our core being. Air that brings the words and wisdom of our ancestors to us, Air that blows away the chaff, the nonsense, those things that no longer serve and separates the worthwhile from the worthless, sometimes with great force. The reality of this experience can be really rather painful.

In this picture my own sense of joy and celebration at not just the wonder of nature, but the reality of being part of Nature, at one with nature, connected to and connected with the secret source of power and energy of Nature, is captured. The joy and wonder within this picture is apparent and contagious and I just had to purchase it! At the moment it’s sat on the mantelpiece as I spend time admiring it and deciding just where it’s home should be, but my guess is that it will just have to take up residence in my Temple Room! I know this is where it belongs.

There is something pure, simple and powerful captured within this work of art. To me spirituality can be made so complex, yet for me it’s heart is a simple truth – I am connected to and am part of the One Divine Life. It’s the journey of discovering and then continuing to experience this truth that is often the complicated part! The childlike figure in this picture, naked before the Lord and Lady and spirits of nature, is celebrating and experiencing the wonder of this simple truth. She is in awe of Divinity and at one with her own divinity. She is enjoying and knowing what I have always said is at the very heart of my own spiritual path – the ecstatic embrace of the Divine.

So within this simple yet beautiful picture my entire spiritual path is captured. This childlike figure is enraptured in the joy of the One Divine Life and this is where my heart belongs. I can sense her tears of joy and happiness and I can feel the wonder and excitement within her heart. Her hands reach out, not in a desperate, needy, neurotic compulsion to feel connected, but in a joyous embrace of the Beloved as she celebrates the wonder and reality of this connection and she is at peace in the knowledge of her Oneness. Her reaching out is a response the embrace of the Beloved.

This is the new place that I want to step into.

I Am My Own Light

The pagan path that I walk appears to be a path of 'becoming' - but not of becoming something different or new, rather it is a path of becoming truly authentically me. I've said before that it feels as though each stage that I walk, each phase that I enter, seems to take me back to who I truly am, back to who I was always intended to be, back to the very core, the very fibre of my being. It's like I journey back to discover my true self, but the Self I was always meant to be, the Self before name and form.

All life is gestated in darkness, but as it seeks to grow so it reaches for the light, and the theme of 'light' has been with me this week. What struck me, as I was calling in Fire from the south the other morning, was that I am my own light. That threw me for a moment, as it felt pretentious and it was an impression that I wasn't expecting to encounter, but the clear, sharp thought was there - "I am my own light."

As I meditated upon this, things began to become clear for me. Calling in the elements has been taking on a new power for me recently, in that I don't just call the elements in, I have a very real sense of actually becoming air, fire, water and earth as I call. This week things have moved on again, as I called in Fire, so I filled with the light of this fire. I could see, sense and experience this piercing and enveloping light, but it wasn't coming from above or below or around me, it was radiating out from within. The light was emanating from my own true self, my own true will and as I remain true my course, true to my authentic self, then I am guided by my own light, because I am part of Source, in Source and of Source, part of the One Divine Life. This is a further and significant step into the mysteries, because I am truly beginning to fathom, to comprehend, to see and understand what it means to open myself to my true birthright as a child of the Lord and Lady.

This light that was filling me must be the light of Higher Self, the light of initiation, the light of real connection to Source. At the moment I had stepped into a new place, and I can't pretend to have walked out of my Temple Room radiating light to everyone who happened to cross my path, but in that moment and time there was a connection, an experience, that hitherto I had not experienced.

I know that my roots are deep in the Underworld, the very womb of the Mother, and here my gestation takes place, here I am conceived and from here I have my true origin, my true heritage. But the womb of the Dark Mother, this place of death, life and rebirth, propels me into the light as I am born. All life reaches towards the light, and just as I am conceived in the dark, so I reach for the light. My roots in that place of transformation, my branches reaching to the light of the very heavens. As I celebrate my true connection with the All, so I Am. So my own light radiates from within. As the connection is made, so I am born, I become my true, authentic self. Someone I need to learn how to remain in this place!

And I guess this is the next step, bring that spiritual truth into physical reality as I live on this material plane.

Change

I have a growing confidence in myself, and this confidence is coming not from some kind of arrogant, puffed up, over inflated ego, 'holier than thou', type place, but from an ever deepening awareness of my own place in all things. As opposed to seeing myself as a kind of misfit, which I think is how I have probably viewed myself for too long, I am seeing myself as a jigsaw piece that brings completeness to a particular picture, a particular place in time. It's not that I don't fit, it's more that I am a necessary part that helps me, and everything and everyone else, fit. I have a role to play. It's back to this thing of all being connected, interconnected, all One. As I find my own true will, my own natural self, and as I move in relation to my true self, thus avoiding inner (and indeed outer) conflict, so the jigsaw becomes complete, so things begin to make sense and so I begin to play my part in making the picture complete and support and enable others to play their own part also.

There is something about personal responsibility here. I am the master of my own destiny, not a victim of circumstance, but a magickal being who creates my own destiny. It is my responsibility to be true to who I truly am, to act in accordance with my own true will, to follow my course in relation with the The All and to take confidence and responsibility in who I Am. This means more than simply speaking my truth, it's about being my truth. Every facet of me needs to authentically radiate my own reality, my own truth. As I move in accordance with my own true will and as I enjoy the inner harmony this brings, this harmony is what those around me will encounter. This is becoming increasingly important to me.

I am finding that so much of this has it's birth in my appreciation of my true connection with The All. In this past week, as I have been calling in the elements, and knowing that as I become those elements, within and without, I have been experiencing my true connection with them, as if my body holds the tension between them, if that makes any sense. I have been aware of not just 'holding that space' as it has been said to me before, but actually holding that tension, that real sense of energy in the centre of all. The sense of energy has been quite amazing, quite powerful.

I feel this is crucial, as I sense change coming, yet again. I am anticipating change in my work, both in the expectations of me in relation to my work, and my geographical location. Neither of these things bring any sense of joy, but I know that I need to be in a place where I am in control of what is happening to me, and of my reactions to the change. I can't allow myself to be 'done to' in this sense, but I need to see my place within this change and where I need to be. Somewhere in here it's about recognising what this moment is all about, and what I am to bring to this moment. Change can't be something that happens to me, it has to be a process that I am part of and instrumental within and as such I feel that I am being prepared for this. It's like a lesson.

There's a sense of authority here, again, not in egotistical way, but in a sense of truly standing up as a Priest of Goddess, and truly celebrating her immanence. Her qualities are within me and of me, as I am in and of her, so I move in that power, I move in that authority and I need to begin to bring this into reality here on the material plane.